Slow Down You're Doing Fine - Prozac, santosha, and be-ing

Have you ever had a moment where it feels like a part of the authentic version of you just fell into place?

I just had another moment like that this past week, and it shifted a lot of things for me. All the way from sudoku and jigsaw puzzles on my phone, to how I view mental health medications for myself.

In a recent session with my therapist, she told me something which I already have heard a thousand times. She said “Remember you’re a human being not a human doing.”

I found it so frustrating because I felt like I was already doing that…

Kind of…

Mostly…

Maybe…

Okay, so not really.

After reflecting on it a little bit, I think I realized my inner high achiever was still being driven by learned internal pressures, external societal pressures and the extra hustle culture pressures in the entrepreneur space. Even when I thought I was ‘relaxing’ I was still pushing myself. Expecting growth, improvement and results of some variety.

This next bit ties into all of this, just bear with me.

I had started Prozac working up to some high doses to help curb some of my OCD intrusive thoughts and compulsions, but I only agreed to start it with the lens of seeing this medication as a bridge. A temporary crutch to lean on while I did the ERP work to get back in control of my OCD and then come off it.

I’ve tried other antidepressants before and noticed a little difference, but nothing like what I’ve been feeling on this dose of Prozac. It works with my body’s natural chemistry in the best possible way.

Even so, I still considered it a temporary thing. Something to just help make it possible for me to lean into the anxiety and the fear and not either (a) have a panic attack or (b) dissociate.

Even though I know some people need medications like SSRIs because their body just doesn’t create enough serotonin for them… Even though I’ve said to many people that a medication for mental health is no different than a medication for a heart condition or a liver condition…

I don’t see something like this Prozac to be something that I needed to be on long term. It was a temporary thing until I could get control of my OCD.It was something to help me while I did all the personal development and therapy I needed to make OCD something I didn’t have to fight with anymore. 

I think there's a lot of mental health stigma that I was hanging onto, like people with mental health take the pill and don't do anything else about it. “They”, whoever they are, stay in that victim mindset. 

And while that might be true for some people, it's definitely not true for most. I do agree that people with mental health struggles are some of the strongest people. Maybe it's the perceived lack of commitment that I struggle with? Maybe I feel they should be doing more, fighting harder, or taking more personal responsibility?

And there it was.

I liked how I felt on this dose of Prozac.

I felt more like me, I had more focus, and I felt like my energy levels were higher in general. At the same time, I immediately felt immensely guilty for thinking this way.

I've always wanted a pill that fixes things, and now that I have one, I'm fighting it. Why?

What if I allow the battle to be just a little bit easier? What if I can relax a bit more? Why is that a bad thing? Why am I resisting something that makes my life easier? 

Because it's wrapped up in my identity. I see myself as a fighter - and so I create opportunities in my life to continue the fight. Resistance is a big thing for me. I feel comfortable in resistance. My high achiever loves the good fight, the struggle and the eventual triumph. 

But resistance isn't acceptance. 

Resistance isn't Santosha.

What if I give myself permission to stay on this dose of medication for a while? I’m not giving up the extra work, the ERP, the therapy, intentionally scaring myself and leaning into the anxiety and fear - those aren’t going anywhere.

Wondering what this has to be about being a human being instead of a human doing? I’m getting there.

Sharing with my partner that I was going to chat with the Psychiatrist about staying on this dose started a domino effect of realizations.

Primarily that I had an all-or-nothing view on “be-ing”.

For some reason, in my head taking time to ‘be’ meant that I had to be doing nothing. And usually when I do that I feel anxious, or start meditating or doing pranayama breathwork, or something.

But what if ‘being’ for me just looked like accepting ease and calm into my life a bit more.

Staying on the dose of Prozac was a BIG step in that direction - and it felt so …good. Like I was actually accepting what my needs are.

Then I had this ah-ha, lightbulb moment when I realized that so much of this resistance, fight and high achieving drive for personal growth and development was sneaking into so many areas of my life that I could really just relax into and be easeful.

For example, I have a sudoku app on my phone that I do in the mornings to help my brain come online and feel awake enough for the day to really begin. In this sudoku app there are four levels ranging from easy to extreme. I’ve been on the hard level for a while and at some point decided I ‘needed’ to go up to the extreme level because it was important to get better at this game. I didn’t like it. I found it really taxing on my mental energy. But I stuck with it because isn’t that what I’m supposed to want? To get better at it? To develop this skill?

I was pushing myself when I could just choose ease.

And the jigsaw puzzle app I have on my phone - the maximum number of puzzle pieces is 400, so naturally that’s what I always did. Again, pushing myself when I could just choose ease and fun.

Other levels of santosha came along with this acceptance of wanting to stay on Prozac for at least a little while with no pressure to work to come off it as soon as possible.

Like staying on the mode of Sudoku that I enjoy without feeling guilty that I’m not challenging myself to get better. Or only doing 144 piece puzzles on my phone because the puzzle pieces fit nicely on my screen, I don’t have to zoom in to see the whole puzzle. Also I get to do more of the puzzles in this app because they don’t take me as long, so I get to look at so many more pretty things!

So maybe this is what me as a human ‘being’ looks like?

Maybe it’s not so much about doing nothing, just sitting there and taking time to ‘be’. 

Maybe for me it’s more about doing things that are fun, don’t need to challenge me, don’t require personal development or skills development. 

The things that make me happy. That help me feel calm and more connected to myself. 

And maybe that’s what being a human ‘being’ looks like for you too. Not stopping completely. Just choosing ease over continuing to push yourself to be more.

What do you think?