83. The Effects of War on Marriage

Welcome to the Connected for Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started.

 And we are live. Welcome to the connected for real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman and I am a marriage coach specifically for women in business. That is my obsession is that intersection between marriage and business and how they affect each other. And right now we are in week three of the war.

So we week one was a real Woof! Week one was really hard and it shook up a lot of our world. Week two was a little bit more grounding. We started to catch ourselves. Things started falling into place. Systems started becoming a little bit more apparent. And now week three is becoming a tiny bit more hopeful on a personal front.

Not so much on a, you know, big picture front. I have no idea what is actually going on in the war. It's looking pretty difficult. So, I am continuing to pray a lot, continuing to encourage my children to pray, which is really very cute and very beautiful, to watch how all of the children of the town Get together every single day and they pray loud and they get all excited about it.

And they really have soldiers in mind and six people in mind and, and they pray for peace. It's just a really beautiful experience. So I keep encouraging my kids to go do that. And of course, we're trying to keep as much normalcy and routine as we can, just so that our children can feel a little bit of safety and structure.

And with all that, we're still dealing with a lot. So today's topic is about the effects of war on marriage. And the reason why this is coming up is because on Thursday last week, I sat down to journal and we had a, I have a coach and I was doing homework for, for her coaching program. And. I started writing something that had nothing to do with the homework, but sort of went into it and it got me into this whole typing thing, I guess, a rant about how the war is affecting marriage and what are the things that I'm going to have to deal with as a marriage coach after the war is over, or like the after effects of war, the post war effects on marriage.

And it brought me back to remembering COVID and how COVID affected marriage and, and, I realized that the effects are very different, even though some people may think that they're very similar. So let me tell you a little bit of what I'm talking about. One thing that I have realized, and by the way, the same day that I predicted all these things was the day when two people called me and started complaining about their marriage and how the war is affecting it.

So I was like, Oh boy, I should really be careful with what I predict. But on the other hand, I felt like predicting it and getting my head wrapped around it before it started to show up was almost like  the medicine before, before the hit.  So let me tell you a little bit about what I predicted.

So number one is the first thing that happened on day one of the war was that all the men were called up and. A lot of the people suddenly went into their houses. On a whim in the middle of Shabbos in the middle of the most beautiful holiday of happiness and, you know, joy and all that stuff. And suddenly they were on their phones.

They were getting into cars. They were putting on their uniforms and they were wearing guns. And the kids were seeing this and were witnessing what was going on and how basically the entire town. Emptied of most of its men and some women, and it became very scary and apparent that something big is happening.

If every single person is being called up, it's a big deal, right? So those guys are on the front lines. And their heroes and their wives are missing them and praying for them and loving them. And everybody is supporting their wives. And you know, there's babysitting service here that's for free. All the teenagers are, you know, joined hands to really support all these women.

 And so there is really a good support system for these. people in this category. But then there is another category that I've become very familiar with. One that where the men did not go to war because they either did not serve in the army or they're not needed right now in the army, right? So you have a lot of men who are still here and, you know, still doing their thing.

And sort of trying to figure out how they can be of service. So men with guns can be of service by volunteering to protect the schools and,  the nurseries and everything else. So there's a lot of volunteers walking around and guns and they feel very, I guess they feel useful. It might feel like it's a little bit of like a  it's a lot to do for no money, but they are, they sort of have what to do.

You know,  there's a little bit of like usefulness there, but then there is the third group of people who I, I was laughing with my children because there was a message that went out that said, there's a support group for men. Please encourage your husbands to come. And I Okay. Who are the men who are going to show up to the support group?

They're the men who do not have any experience of going to the army, they probably are not born here and they feel very unuseful. And there's a lot of emotions of like, where do I fit in all of this? This situation, right? And on top of all this, a lot of the volunteer stuff that's actually doable is happening by women, right?

It's like cook for the soldiers and get this to them and get that to them. And of course, the men could be very useful and very helpful. They could drive things, they can, you know, show up to places, they can help with things. But it also is affecting them in a very deep way in their own identity, in their own way of seeing themselves.

And I'm seeing that. So thank God my husband was not called up to war. And he is a rabbi and he learns or studies, I should say, because learns is a Yiddish ism. It's not actually English to say he learns. So he studies Torah every day and he continued doing that even stronger when the war started.

So he took upon himself his duty of being a soldier in this army. Of, you know, the parallel army. Those who are supporting the war by praying and by fasting and by studying as much as they can. He's also answering a ton of questions from the front. A lot of his students, a lot of his co workers or co rabbis are sending him questions from the front lines.

What do we do about this? How do we deal with that? What do you think about this? So he's dealing with a lot of details and a lot of big picture issues and questions that are coming up, which is really interesting. And if you want, you can follow him. He has a lot to say on the Machon Shiloh youTube channel.

I am finding that those who didn't find their thing yet are having a very hard time and It becomes more Exasperated by the fact that the women do have what to do So people who have called me in the last couple of days, the wife is very active She is in charge of volunteer services, and she's calling people right and left, and everybody knows they can call her or they can turn to her.

She's on WhatsApp 24 7. She's accessible and dealing with a lot of issues. Some of these women are in the helping... professions. So they're the psychologists and the coaches and the therapists, the ones that are helping people. And so right now they are the most called upon and they're servicing a lot more than they would if they were regular, you know, in regular times.

So they're busy and they're being pulled thin and there there's a lot going on in their life too. And so The roles almost changed where before the husbands were very useful and very capable of, you know, doing things now. Suddenly you have a situation where the wife is so exhausted and so stressed and so filled with all of the war stuff, right?

And the noise and the and the stress. The anxiety that she then turns to him is like, ah, takes it all out on him.  And that's when things can start going downhill because he's already not doing well. He's already feeling very shaky about his identity. He's feeling very uncomfortable with his.

Situation that he found himself in and by the way, I have a cousin who was in the army and his entire unit was not called up like every single unit was called up except mine, right? It feels weird. It's like, what am I doing here? And I even heard today from someone whose son was not called up because his unit wasn't called up and he pushed for the last two weeks to be called up as something.

Just take me please. Because he needed to feel like he belonged, right? So this is not something that I made up. It's a real thing that these guys are feeling and  it might very well be in the subconscious and they're not thinking it out loud and maybe they're not aware of it, but it's something that suddenly hit them.

It's either you're on the front lines and you're a hero or you are stuck behind and what is up with you? And now I have to figure it out, right? And then on top of that, if their wives are doing a lot of this helpful service and being part of the war efforts and all of that, they're suddenly stuck with the kids and the housework and the food and the laundry.

And so we have a little bit of shift here. This is very different than COVID. It's very different than COVID. When COVID hit, the biggest problem was we're stuck together in the same house, in the same space for so long and we just can't stand each other. Right? And there's stress levels and opinions and all the talk about this and that that is getting in between us.

That was a real issue that had to be dealt with, but this is a different issue completely. here in Israel, the issues have sort of popped up and they're new. They're new. And I'm talking about it now, probably because I'm the only one who's going to talk about it for a while until somebody is going to start seeing it and speaking about it too.

I want you to become aware of it. Okay. So step one. Take a minute, take a deep breath and just realize that we are not in normal times, that this is going to shake up a lot of what we knew, a lot about how we felt about ourselves, a lot of things that we thought we understood, right? We are The city here going, Oh my gosh, what's going on?

Right? Like one day I'm thinking, no way I'm never getting a gun. And then the next day I'm applying for like, what's going on? Right? So there's a lot of things that happened in the last two weeks that shook up a lot of what we thought we knew, what we thought was normal. What we thought was. given default, all this stuff, right?

Very scary, very shaky, very weird. And on top of all this, we're being called to do things that are outside of. what we're used to. So, you know, for me being home with the kids full time again, after having them for 16 days straight for the holidays, after having them for like months straight for the summer, it was like PTSD all over again.

It was very hard to suddenly find myself having to Carve out space for the things that matter to me and actually make it work. It was really, really hard for me. And my husband just fell into step and like went into his role so quickly that I felt a little alone. I felt overwhelmed. I had a really hard first week.

Right. And A lot of people had a very, very hard first week. We even said that last week in my podcast, you probably heard. You know, somebody said, boy, last week felt like a year, right? And that's pretty much how it was. It was a very long, very long first week. Second week actually went very fast. And I think that's because we Finally started to like pull ourselves together.

I got really grounded. I did the most that I could to just like refocus myself. I went to yoga. I did, you know, things that grounded me. I did things that made me feel useful for the, you know, for the overall. nation. And so I suddenly, like, I felt more confident with where I was and the days went by more easily.

Now I'm finding that this third week is calling us to become aware of the things that are shifting with the things that are happening around us and to become a little bit more graceful with how we treat each other because nobody knows what's actually going on behind the scenes. Everybody is very focused on the war that is external, that is happening, and that we can see and hear about.

And nobody is focusing on the wars that are happening within us. And that could be the wars of anxiety, the wars of just self identity, self centeredness, and also, The wars that are happening within homes that we do not hear about, right? So if you just had a big fight at home and then you go out and you try to be, you know, normal with your friends or with the people around you, it might be very hard to know that.

When you're just an outsider, so let's get very, very aware of it so that we can be really nice to each other that we can contain all of these parts of ourselves and understand that it's not all the war. It's not all about what's going on. It's not all focused on that. When you expand your horizons and you see what's actually happening beyond 

 What you think is all it, you know, all it is, is this when you expand that and you see suddenly, oh my gosh, there is so much more going on. You can become a little bit more compassionate, a little bit more nice. Sweet understanding and your communication changes because instead of blame and shame and low consciousness, you can rise a little bit higher to understand, to listen, to hear, to take notes, to just fully be with the other person.

And that's the support that we need right now. Okay.

What to do about it. We talked about what is actually happening and I want you to walk out of here with really practical skills,  What can we do

in this situation right now, when there is a war on the outside and a war on the inside when there are two parallel wars going on and one of them is private and one of them is public and it just feels so insignificant to be complaining about your own wars when something so big is happening. But on the other hand, that's the war that matters the most to you right now.

Even though it's private, even though nobody knows about it, it's happening. Hopefully it's not happening, but if it is happening, it's happening to you, and it's changing your life. And at this moment, you get to decide, is this changing my life for good? for good things? Or is it changing my life, in a completely different trajectory?

And the way that you become intentional right now about this situation is going to decide for you. what is happening in the future. I believe that people who hit this wall, you know, were pushed into this corner, found themselves in a situation where, Oh my gosh it's no longer just like, Oh, we're fighting a lot or things aren't well, but it's like becoming really, really obvious that there's a bigger problem here.

You know, usually big things are going to. Force that you know, sometimes things are just sort of like, ah, it's okay As you know, I have spoken a lot about this. Okay is not okay in marriage Okay, so if you tell me yeah, my marriage is fine. Fine is not fine. I'm not okay with that Okay, so fine is not fine and okay is not okay We gotta get to the place where you are so intentional and so so excited about your marriage that you are like, Woohoo.

It's amazing. I love my marriage. I think everything's just can't get better than this. And then it keeps getting better than this. That's where my clients are. That's where I want you. Okay, that's where I am also. So thank God for that. And I did that intentionally. I think that I got into this whole thing because my marriage was fine and I changed it and became intentional about it and really pushed it over the edge.

So if your marriage was fine, and now it's being shaken up and it's being forced to take a turn, so fine is very... You know, parve, it's very sort of on an equilibrium type of thing where it's like, it's not bad enough to go worse, but it's not good enough to get better. And then suddenly something hits it.

And so now the balance is completely off. Everything's up in the air. Nothing is on balance. What do you do now? The best thing that you could do is become intentional, become intentional. Choose that this shake up, this situation, this thing that happened to me right now is going to push me over the edge to the right direction.

I am so excited about this. You know, it's like people say, I don't think I could have said that when I actually found out I had cancer, but cancer was the best thing that happened in my life because it changed my life in a way that I would not have been able to change myself. Right? A lot of people say that.

After they are done with all of the life changing events that happen when they find out something really big happened to them, right? Or you know, after a stroke or after a big, big car accident or whatever. It's like you think for it many, many years later when you realize that it pushed you to make certain decisions.

It pushed you to become more intentional. It pushed you to choose to live. And by choosing to live and by choosing to become intentional, you are living a better life. You are intentional and taking yourself in the direction that you want and not just going with the flow. It's an amazing experience.

Right. So right now is that time where you get to choose, where you get to become intentional. Now of course I welcome you to come work with me. I have a mentorship right now, three months one on one where I help you get from where you are, whatever that is, to where you want to be. We're talking specifically marriage and business.

Some people focus more on their marriage because that is the thing that is burning right now. Some people focus more on the business. And then we make sure that the marriage is supporting the business growth. Either way, it has to be aligned. It has to be intentional and it has to be, you know, with maturity, you have to be ready for it.

Cause it's, it's going to be fun and it's going to be work, but it's going to be amazing. And it's something that I watch all my clients go through. And it's like, wow, you know, like deciding to do it is most of the work. Right. And sometimes we need to push from God. And he's like, shake up because you're not going to do it any other way that shake up is happening.

And if it is happening for you, grab it and do something with it. Use it to propel you forward and do not let it push you down. Okay? It is not meant to push you down. If you are feeling like it's pushing you down, do not. Styles clash a watch woman married to an ostrich. I love that. Yes, let's talk because that's one of the things that I deal with so much.

All the different types that God puts together. And it's so funny, you know, styles clash, no kidding. You know, we once spoke about. Hoarders and minimalists being married to each other. Boy, that can really get tough, right?

And same here if you're like very aware very on top of it You want to be involved and your husband's like I don't want to know anything that's happening Just leave me alone. Leave me out of it head in the sand It could get really frustrating and what do we do when that happens? So first thing is become intentional don't just go with the flow and keep clashing As when you have you're telling me styles clash.

Well, very nice if the styles keep clashing then you're just You're just reactive, right? Like, he clashes, you clash, he clashes, you clash, and you just keep clashing through each other. It can get very boring very quickly. But if one of you, and this is where I'm going to remind you all that you can single handedly change your marriage.

I do not agree with, it takes two to tango. You need two people in order to blah blah blah. No, you don't.

Happy to have back my old first world problems. I know, right? Yes. If you tell me it needs, you know, he needs to play along for us to change this marriage. Forget about it. That's a lie. That is a lie and that's a lie. I don't know why everybody believes it I don't know why everybody says it is not true and i've seen it.

I've seen it with my own two eyes You can single handedly Completely change your marriage just by becoming intentional because here's what happens the second you change the dance You force the other person to have to change it too, right so they can make a choice They're you know their own people they can go right or left whatever they want they can do But they no longer can continue on with this like naggy back and forth go with the flow thing.

The flow has been disturbed because you've become intentional. Like now, because you became intentional, you didn't just disturb the flow for no reason. You disturb the flow in a way that you can now. You know, sort of make the flow go the way you want, which is why it's so important to work with someone who's going to guide you through it and have your back when you don't know what to do next.

It's really, really important to have that guide, that coach, that person that you could lean on, but you can 100 percent single handedly change your marriage and you should 100 percent single handedly change your marriage if you're in a situation where you're clashing. If you're in a situation where things are not.

Yay, you know, this is amazing And if you're sitting around going, yeah, I know but it's really bad, right? Like no, there's no such thing If you're still alive, there's always okay I have never seen someone who approached me and said I am ready to make a change who was too far off. I even had someone who was already doing all the paperwork and already dealing with all the things and still was able to turn it around.

So I'm really, really strong about this. You know, I'm pushing it hard because I want you to know that it's possible. I want you to know that you can do this. Yes. You need the right support. Yes. You need the right tools and the right skills, but it's doable. And it's usually easier than you think. Okay? The harder work is to be honest with yourself, to be vulnerable, to be able to like take responsibility for the things that you can take responsibility for, and to start taking action in the right direction.

All those things are great, but the first thing you have to do is want. The first thing you have to do is want it. You have to say, you know what? I want it. I want something better. I want to stay married and happy. Here's the thing, what's happening. And I'm talking a lot of like really basic things, but I think it's really, really important.

And I'm saying these things today because it's been brought to my attention that these are the issues that we're dealing with. Some people have been in a marriage where it's like, well, I've learned to live with the pain.

That's not a normal marriage. That's not okay. You know, it's, it's not like, you know, if you were. suffering from leg pain and the doctor says, well, you have two choices. Either you live with the pain or you amputate. And you're like, well, amputating sounds terrible. So I'm just going to live with the pain.

Like. Why is not anybody mentioning healing like there is a third option here of Healing the pain and then never having to feel it again and then being completely healed and able to use your leg Why is it the norm to learn to deal with the pain? Why is that? The thing that everybody thinks is like, Well, I've learned to deal with it, now he's just annoying, and I learned how to ignore him, and I learned how to deal with his craziness, and I learned how to just like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm suffering, cause he's still as critical, and still as annoying, and still as frustrating, and I still feel just as alone, but at least I'm not divorced. What's that? What is that? Why is that the only two choices? And why is that okay with everyone? I'm here to say this is not okay. There is something called healing.

If something is hurting you physically or spiritually. or in your life, whatever it is, you should look for healing. And if you didn't find it here, you go there. And if you didn't find it there, you keep going. You do not give up on finding healing. Because when you can heal something that hurts, then it will never hurt again.

It will just be healed. And then you will be cured. And then you can... Face your husband and love him the way that you loved him the first time and the way that you hoped your marriage would be Not having to, you know, be okay with what is because this is what I got. Oh, this isn't what I signed up for but it's okay because I'm getting used to it.

It doesn't work like that. I want you to get So happy, so extremely like, wow, that you're like, my life is better than I could have ever imagined. Like, I signed up for something and things just keep getting better. And like, I keep being surprised at how much he loves me. I keep being amazed at how much he cares for me.

I keep, you know, being surprised that he knows exactly what I need or want. That's what I want your life to look like. It's like, so fun. It's so fun to have someone who loves you so much and knows what you need and just wants to be there for you. But you can't have that without creating that. You can't have that without becoming intentional.

And if you're just sitting around learning to live with pain, then you're wasting a lot of your energy. Because you're not healing it, you're just dealing with superficial stuff. Not my cup of tea. You know that. I am very deep. I cannot do superficial.

So let's wrap it all up. Just like last week we spoke about, and the week before also, if you listen to my podcast, Connected For Real, the Connected For Real podcast or you watch my YouTube channel, or or anything in, yeah, we're unconsciously making plans for after the war, it encourages us, I love that, yes.

So I'm making plans for when, when there's a temple built, you know, I'm like, okay, I'm going to need to bring these, these many offerings and can it be like, you know, this busy and that thing, it's very exciting. I, I feel like it's going to be very busy there. So, so that's what it's encouraging us is thinking, thinking that big picture.

So just like we said. In the podcast in the past, we got really comfortable with our lives. Things were so good that we were just sort of default. And then after a while, you know, God was like, you guys aren't wanting ideal enough, like you don't want. What's better and what's waiting for you enough that you're not asking for it.

So I need to shake you up so that you wake up and realize, Oh, instead of asking, Oh, I just want to go back to what was, I just want to go back to my reality, right? My first world problems that I had before. Why do we just ask for, I want to go forward to the ideal. I want to have what is meant for me.

Something is waiting for us to ask for and to get, right? This is, this is what it's all about. There is a lot more that we can have. That we're not even aware of because it's so not tangible for us, you know, God having his home built and then everything else falling into place and then no suffering ever is a real reality that we are waiting for, but if we don't want it, if we don't know to want it, then we're just still asking for going back and guys, we're not going back.

We just want to keep forward. So same thing with your marriage. If at this point, you sort of were like, okay, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm okay. Things are fine. I learned how to deal with the pain. I learned how to deal with his craziness.

I know how to go around him and not tell him things or whatever. All that stuff. God is like shaking you up going not happening. That's not right. That's not for you. I want you to realize there's something better. There's something better waiting for you, and you just need to want it. So, step one is want it.

What do I really want, right? In the calm method, we talk about the four steps. Step one, connect to yourself. Step two, ask for abundance. That's when you turn to God and you ask. But first, you have to know what you want. Step three is listen for the answer and step four is master a higher level of consciousness.

So let's focus on step one. What do you really want? What do you want in your marriage? What do you want in your life? What do you want that is going to be even better than what you have right now? And then you can go into step two and ask for it and really pray and request it. And then step three. Listen for the answer.

That's when you listen to reality and you actually follow God's guidance and step four is master a higher level of consciousness because as soon as you're able to click into that and follow those steps you're going to be able to then rise to a higher level of consciousness where you are no longer living in that lower icky stage and you've risen to actually seeing things from a higher place from better view sometimes even better air You know, the air quality is nicer up here and you start to sort of fly, okay?

So, in order not to fall back down, the idea is that you're always bringing back to yourself by mastering a higher level of consciousness. And we could talk more about this. In future episodes, by the way. Today's my birthday. I Forgot to say that but that was very exciting. I just remembered So yeah, there you go So that's what we're all about. Don't forget that I am inviting you to come communicate with me. Send me an email advice@connectedforreal.com

if you would like to work with me. Is three months of one on one private mentorship The price is twenty five hundred dollars You will get a hundred percent of me and you will see real results. Our focus is on Your first session is free. It's a discovery call. You will actually solidify together with me a plan and then once you're cool with it and we're like, yes, ready to go, we shoot forward and actually get to that.

destination. Okay, so I want you to want and then take action. I pray that you have a wonderful marriage and that this shake up of the war only leads you to more amazing and beautiful things in the world and in your life. I pray that we have peace, that Yisrat Hashem, please God, that all of the soldiers come home safe, healthy in their minds, in their spirits, and physically in their bodies, and may we have really good news really soon, because I'm really ready.

I love you all. We'll see you next time.

 And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.

Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.