90. Hanukkah & Marriage

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started. 

 And we are live. Welcome everyone to the connected for real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat chen Grossman, and I'm a marriage coach for women in business. That is what I love to talk about. Always about marriage. But today, because it's Hanukkah, happy Hanukkah to you.  May we see a lot of light this year, specifically. 

Amen.  I am so ready for light people.  So ready. Today we're talking about Hanukkah and marriage. And let me tell you, I really, really brainstormed this one because I wanted to come at this from a different angle than most people. I like being refreshing. I like being that person who you can count on for non repetitive and, you know, No Regurgitating other people's stuff So I got really creative this time and I thought it through The topic really speaks to me and it's a hard one So I needed to really make sure that I am 100 percent with you and all that to say That Hanukkah is an awesome holiday.

It is a holiday that is all about winning. It's all about succeeding in surviving and actually thriving.  It is standing up for something and going all the way. So there's a lot of things that we talk about in Hanukkah. Of course, there's the light  and lighting the candles and being the light and making sure that you're not just hiding your lights, but really putting it out for people to see.

And that's a really awesome, you know, topic I could go on to for an entire episode just for that. But I won't because you know, that's, that's nice, but it's not deep enough. And I wanted to go even deeper. There is  the war, the war that was won, even though they had very, very little chance of winning, you know, we're talking a professional army with armor and  elephants and everything.

And they're just like really, really trained well. And there are thousands and thousands and thousands of them and they come at. These like, you know, a couple of men like who's with me? Come, you know, join me. And it's like, grab whatever you have. It's like we don't have much,  right? And it's like, I have a sword and a rock, right?

 We did not we did not come prepared for this war. We didn't have the amount of people. We didn't have the resources. We did not have what it takes to win a professional army that is armored to their teeth. And yet, that is the miracle that we did. We actually won because of the Push the perseverance, the determination not to give up and not to give in.

But that's all great is not what we're going to talk about today because  the war had to start from something. And that's what I wanted to  dig deep into today. What had to happen for the war to really break? What needs to happen for you to say enough?  This has just gotten to a point where I'm not okay with this anymore, right?

So the Jews are being really pushed. They're like, okay, from today you can't circumcise anymore. Oh man, so we have to figure out ways to circumcise under cover. And, you know, maybe we should, shouldn't. Some people start to come up with reasons of how you should listen to them. And this is just, you know, one thing.

And then, oh, you can't. Keep sabbath either. Oh, wait, wait. Okay. Wait, what's going on? And you can't learn Torah. Oh my gosh They're taking away everything what's going on? And then you know some of your kids and your friends and your neighbors are starting to turn into Hellenized jews and it's like, you know, come on people just get on with the with the times what's wrong with you being all so You know old fashioned and stuff.

And so there's a lot going on Right? And there's a lot of this, like, real discomfort  in the Jewish community in the land of Israel with where the Jews belong, and then yet they're being  sort of pushed around  and it gets so bad that they even have this. law that every woman who gets married is first going to be taken to be raped by the main guy, you know, the governor, and then she can go back to her husband.

So on her wedding day, she is basically signing up for the worst thing possible, that any person would just, you know, I'd rather die than have to go through that. And people are still not  standing up  and what had to happen when this is, you know, there are definitely different versions in most versions, you will hear that   the thing that broke the camel's back was when they came and made the Jews.

 Sacrifice a pig  and one Jew actually was willing to do it because he was afraid and he was like, okay, I guess we'll have to do this. And the other Jews were like, no way. This is where we put the line down. We are not doing this. This is really, really against God. This is just totally red lines, right?

Red flags, red lines. We are not doing this. And they killed everything.  And that started the war. That's the external story and it's definitely, you know, part of the story, but the internal story and what's really, really behind everything was the wedding night of the daughter of one of the most important priests in Israel, okay?

And she's getting married to a very nice Jewish family, the Hashmonaim family. Or maybe it was the Hashmonaim daughter marrying the priest's son, whatever it was.  Very important families are getting together. They're getting married. They have a fancy wedding. Everybody is there. And the girl in the middle of her wedding takes off all of her clothes and stands there naked.

And her brothers come to her with with their swords and I'm like, we're gonna kill you. What are you doing? This is so embarrassing. What do you think you're doing? And she says, the fact that that governor is going to take me and completely ruin my life. This is not okay and her brothers realize she's right.

She's right. This is the red line. This is where we're going to say enough. And so they go and they start the war by killing the governor who was going to rape her. And that starts the entire thing. This is what I want to talk about because this makes me angry. Okay. Really, really angry. And for years and years and years and years, I'm telling you, this gave me nightmares.

nightmares because it is every girl's nightmare  to have to deal with such a thing. Intimacy is the most holy and beautiful and pure thing that you can do. And then for someone to take it and ruin it to an extreme like that is so Awful and so disgusting.  And  what she was saying is  okay. With the fact that I'm the only one who's miserable around here.

Like this is everybody's problem.  This should be everybody's red line. Not just my red line. Everybody should. Get up in arms and be really upset about this. And she made a point and the point was made. And this was the thing that broke the camel's back. This was the event that created the beginning of the war.

And the thing that actually lasted for way longer than we realized  to get the Jews to have their freedom, to not have to bend over backwards and give up on their values just because someone else is in charge. Okay. They got their, their sovereignty back. And it makes me think about our lives.

It makes me think about  all the things that we go through and like some things start to not be so okay, but it's okay enough and then it's fine. And it's okay. And it's like, you sort of like, you know, shuffle through life being like It's not bad enough. You know, pick your battles and we don't really want to make us think about things and I'm not one to start a fight and all these things that we say,  and it's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what is going to make you realize something is wrong? 

What is going to happen for you to stand up and be like, that's it?  I have to say something. I have to do something. I'm going to actually change what's happening.  What has to happen?  And this is a question that I think is a really important question to ask yourself.  And there's always two choices.  There is the, Hey, I just realized I'm not really happy here.

Something is wrong. Something isn't right. I'm not a hundred percent in my ideal state. And so I want to get out of default mode. and become intentional. So I'm going to do something about it. Okay, that's one way. And that's a wonderful way. I like to choose that way. When I become aware of something not going right, I will do something about it.

It's just the way that I like to function because I don't like the other way. The other option is something really, really bad has to happen for you to realize that things are not okay. If suddenly you found out your husband did something that was really awful and you're like, how could you and he's like, well, you're never in the mood and I don't know what else to do and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I knew things were bad, but I didn't realize they were this bad.

Hello? Really? Does that have to come to that for you to realize it's that bad? Or let's take some other very, you know, less extreme examples.  You get to a time when suddenly you have to make a decision about the kid's schooling and you realize you're not on the same value scale  Something's really weird about making this decision.

You're not in alignment and these are your children And so how do you deal with that? That's a big  point 

What's going on? What are we going to do? How about a vacation that you're so excited and looking forward to, and then the whole thing just goes  flat because you have different ways of seeing a vacation. One person just wants to be, and the other one thinks that because we're here, we have to do, we have to see every single monument, we have to go out and see every single thing, we have to experience everything in this town before time runs out.

And you're like, no, I just wanted to be with you. I just wanted to like stay in the hotel room, sit and stare, like staring at each other's eyes. Like, that's all I want. I want your attention. That's why I left the kids. That's why I flew away. That's why I'm here.  And then you realize, hello, we have.

Something going on behind the scenes under the current and we're not dealing with it.

Some other examples are health issues, right? Like, sometimes I hear the woman is very proactive and, you know, preventative. And she wants him to eat the good foods because she sees him eating the bad foods and she's like, I don't want you getting  sick. I want you to be healthy. I want you to live a long life.

And then suddenly he's like, ah, whatever. And he goes and he eats and he does whatever he wants. And then, you know, what needs to happen for him to wake up and be like, Oh, I think she was right. And maybe I should  take my life into my own hands. Right. And how do you deal with not saying I told you so. 

I help, I help women with this, with these issues. Very, very common issue. The health issue is a huge one. What about money? Money is a big one too.  What happens when suddenly there is no money or suddenly there's a lot of money and you have to make decisions on money, but you didn't actually have money conversations that were healthy before this.

So you're both working from very triggered places about money and you're coming up with things that mean something, even though it's just money.  It's,  these are major life decisions and major life  Times that are breaking points  and I'm wondering I'm sitting here saying What has to happen for someone to stop everything and say, you know what?

I'm ready. I'm ready right now I'm ready to invest in myself. I'm ready to invest in my marriage. I'm ready to turn things around  I'm excited about it

and the question is does something have to happen for you to go and say  now I have now I need help or Can you be? Can you be proactive about it? Can you be intentional about it and say This is my goal for 2024.  This is my goal for  this time in my life.  I want to feel good. I want to feel supported.

I want to feel safe. I want to feel stable. I want to feel connected. I want to feel in love. I want to feel excited about having a husband and being in this house with these people. I want my atmosphere in this house to feel like I actually like being here and I don't want to. feel like I need to run away  and I don't want to use my business as an escape anymore.

That's the ideal. The ideal is for you to realize, Hey, there's room for improvement. And I think now is the time.

So in this Hanukkah season where we're talking about. Lights and we're talking about winning wars and we're talking about victory  and Miracles and we're talking about putting an end  to Disgrace things that shouldn't be happening But are happening because nobody is saying anything and nobody's standing up for them  even within your own household there are things they're just like  I can't pick.

I don't have the energy to pick this fight.  You know what? You don't need the energy. You need the support. You need the accountability. You need somebody to turn to and Who will tell you what to do about it,  right? If my husband is saying things to my kids in a way that feel really unaligned and I feel really bad about the way that he's speaking to them or the language or the attitude,  then  it's not about, oh, I just don't have the energy to fight with him or to tell him or to like get into this whole discussion. 

Maybe it's about, I need the support.  That will get me to a place where I know what to say and I know how to say it. So that  it can be heard so that things can actually change so that the atmosphere in the home is different than it is now without having to get to a place where it's like, okay, that's it red line.

And by the way, the second you wait for a red line, your reaction to the red line is very intense and very extreme because it's loaded.  But when you make a decision from your  frontal cortex, you are. Thinking it through  and you're able to plan it out. And you're able to get the right, the right mindset around it. 

And that's why it is so important to work with a coach to get yourself help, to get support. And let me tell you, it doesn't have to be bad. Things don't have to be bad. That's the whole point of this whole episode.  is how bad do things have to get in order for you to say enough?  And the answer is, not bad at all!

You just have to become aware of something that isn't working, that isn't aligned, that isn't sitting right. Just one thing. And be like, you know what? I'm gonna focus on this one thing.  And I'm going to make sure that this doesn't snowball. Because, let me tell you, not saying anything is gonna snowball. I mean, when they came up and stood up and said, okay, there are new rules.

You can't do this and you can't do that. And you can't do the other thing. And they keep adding rules and rules and rules, right? They didn't come and say, first thing is every, you know, virgin has to come to us the night of her wedding. That was probably not the first thing they said. They started with little light things and, you know, started getting worse and worse. 

The snowball is really, really fast and it goes faster than you think because you get, you know, we get used to things very quickly, right? We're sitting here in war and I was just taking my son to nursery  and I said to one of the women, I'm like, it's crazy, but like, we got used to this new routine so quickly and it's not okay. 

There are people on the front lines. There's some of our, you know, students and kids and, and husbands and people are really fighting for their lives. And we're, we're sort of like, okay, you know, we're not as hot about the prayers anymore. We're not as like, you know, strong with our  anxiety about it.

Thank God. Right. But like, It's not okay.  It's not okay that we get used to things so quickly. And the reason why we have to take action as soon as we realize something is a little off is because we'll get used to it  and then it won't bother us anymore.  Right? Like right now. I decided to go live even though I have something else going on because I knew that if I would wait any longer, I would not feel as hot about this topic.

Like if I researched just a little bit more, if I need to find out any more information, if I feel like it needs to be perfect, I will not  go into it with the same energy. That I am right now  because

I heard enough. I heard enough to make it enough and it  bothered me enough to make this podcast and to speak up about when is enough.

So I invite you to  allow yourself to take action  when you realize something needs to be done.  Stop letting it slide. Stop just letting it go. Yes, in the moment, if it's not the right time to pick a fight, please don't pick a fight, but  take action to get support in order to know what to do next. If you need to schedule a call with me, there is a link down below.

You can call, you know, you can come in and And get a free discovery call with me. It's actually a really deep dive discovery call. You get a full hour with me where we really break down. What are the things that you need to focus on? And I build you an entire roadmap with the three main things that we're going to be working on.

And if you don't want to continue and work on them on your own, you can do that. I'm, I'm very into DIY. I will give you everything you need in order to do it yourself. And if you do choose to work with me, we can work together for three months.  It's an amazing, amazing process.  I also want to invite you to the intimacy masterclass, which is happening December 17th.

So this is actually the last podcast I am doing before the live on December 17th.  It's a masterclass that is 90 minutes long and is all about creating a rock solid marriage  from the inside. Okay, we're talking the inside of yourself and the inside of your marriage, the core, the intimacy, the place behind closed doors that nobody else gets to go into, but you and your husband.

And This is an amazing opportunity for you to come open minded and ready for an experience. It is not just, you know, me talking and blabbing at you. It's an experience that you are going to go through and find the answers from within. It is amazing. And we're also going to be getting a lot of practical tools, but how to make it work so that it actually works.

Now, the coolest thing is that this would be enough to make the whole thing worth it. Actually, I have this, you know, 10 X concept in my head that The, the mass, the value of the mastermind is 10 X what it costs. So the price is 97, but the value you're going to be receiving is probably going to be 10 times that. 

And I really, really believe in it because that is why I work so hard to make it so awesome. But on top of that. I believe that you have to take action. You have to implement what you learn. You know, knowledge is everywhere, but implementation is everything. I have a friend, Mahayan, who said that, and I love that.

You have to implement because knowing stuff is not enough.  about what you do with it. And so you get a free implementation call with me and it's private and you get on zoom and for 15 minutes, you can ask me any questions. We can plan out how to take what you learned and implement it into your own life.

You can ask me specific questions about your specific situation. It is amazing. So if this wasn't enough, Let me tell you, there's always more. I love, love, love connecting and meeting you and actually giving you personalized attention.  So besides the masterclass that's happening on December 17th, you also get the implementation call, make sure you take advantage of it is super awesome. 

And in order to sign up for that, you go to  connected for real dot com slash intimacy. Make sure you sign up. It's 97. It's. Going to be awesome, and I can't wait to see you there.  Okay. Happy Hanukkah everyone Thank you for listening all the way to the end and I love you all I bless you that your light should shine and you should have the courage to  Put it out to the to the world and not just keep it inside. 

I love you all Don't forget to be connected for real

 And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.