96. How to Talk About Money in Marriage

Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started 

and we are  live! Welcome, everyone, to the Connected for Real podcast. I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman. I'm a marriage coach for women in business. That intersection between how everything affects marriage and especially how everything affects your business, being a married woman. All of that good stuff. And this time we are talking to Carol Glazer about money and marriage.

The reason why I am doing it this way is because I decided for 2024, we are breaking it down by pillar. And because I have four pillars in my program, God, marriage, business, you, I wanted to talk about money and how it affects. That's each one of the pillars and look out for next month because then we're talking about food and then month after we're talking about more amazing things.

So stay tuned with today. Our focus is on money and marriage and Carol, introduce yourself first. Let's hear who you are and then we'll get right into it.  So hi. Thank you for inviting me. I'm really excited to be here. I love talking about money. I love to encourage people to talk about money. I am an international mindset mentor and speaker and author, and I have a new book coming out very, very soon.

It'll be first on Amazon and then it'll be in print. Very excited about that. And I work with business people, entrepreneurs, and leaders  to help them build the life that they want to live, instead of striving for that lifestyle,  to strive for the life that they want to live.  And to make peace with money  and just to start off with a really shocking, for me, it was a shocking statistic when I first learned it,  that money is the number two reason that couples get divorced.

And this is globally.  And how sad is that? Because when they  are in the process of getting divorced, sadly. That's when they talk about the  money. And that's not gonna really, it's  not the best time to start talking about money, but I have found that too. I found that to be very true. And here are the things that I am hearing from my clients.

First of all, nobody is ready to be poor. Nobody has been. given any tools.  Nobody was told that life was going to happen and that you may not have the money you need in order to live. And then you're gonna have to deal with things that are hard. Nobody was told that it's possible that your husband might not get a job and then he'll be unemployed.

And then what? You know? And then it starts to really snowball from he's a loser. He doesn't have a job. He can't get it all together. He's not supporting me. What am I supposed to do? Well, you know what? I'm going to go do my own thing and I'm going to be the one. And then like, if he's not doing it, then what do I need him anyway?

And it starts to really snowball. And it all started from basically, you know, sort of.  hitting you and you being like nope, God, I think this is a mistake.  I was supposed to have a fairy tale ending. Like everything was supposed to be all right. After I got married, you know, like the hardship was finding the guy.

Then I found him and I was supposed to have this, like, everything is perfect from here on. But then life hits, what do you do when life hits? Right. And then there's those feelings of shame and guilt that come with it.  Okay. I call it money guilt, money, shame, and also let's say that the husband isn't employed right now and they have a business and then there's that tremendous amount of stress because the financial responsibility will sit on only one of the partners.

Okay. And one of the main reasons this happens is because we don't talk about it. We aren't taught this before you get married. There are basic skills that no one teaches us. And that's what I do. I teach people how to talk about money, how to make peace with money. You have to first start by talking about money, and especially in relationships. 

If we don't open up that conversation before, and we have a crisis that we have to deal with, we need tools how to deal with that. Okay, so you're unemployed now. Let's open up this conversation.  Okay, because the one who's unemployed right now has a whole set of beliefs or paradigms about money and how they're supposed to support them, and then they feel really bad about themselves. 

And then we get into the self worth, and it's self worth  against self worth,  okay? People are like this,  right? Instead of going like this, okay? Tough times. Fairytale will come. If we know how to deal with what's going on right now,  right. And I'm thinking of the other side too. I don't want to be all like, Oh, it's all the husband's fault or whatever.

A lot of times money issues come from one person being more of a spender and the other person being more of a frugal saver type person. So a lot of men will complain their wives are spending all my money and what is this and whatever. And it's not necessarily because they're trying to empty the bank account.

It's just that they're not communicating. They don't have a clue.  We're expectation is  what is what is in the bank, right? A lot of people have no idea. They've never been taught how to cross that line between single to married or from one family to a new one that they're creating. So this is a really important topic.

And I think we have to start with, how do you talk about money? So I put together a really simple system that anyone can follow because there are ground rules when you have that money talk. So I've been married for 43 years. Still deeply in live with my husband and we have had challenges and there's been a crisis here and there's been a crisis there.

I left a, a really solid good job and started a business.  There were a lot of challenges there, so what we do is once a week, we have a money talk, and I was raised in a household where whenever my parents talked about money, there was conflict.  There was never a peaceful conversation about money.

So for me, every time money would come up in a conversation, I would physically freeze.  Because I didn't want to be in conflict.  So we set up one day a week, where we actually open our bank account.  and see what was spent. Okay. What expenses are on our credit cards  and see what's  what expenses we can expect.

Now, let's say the war, which is a really good example when I was really honored to have my daughter in law and their two babies move in with us there. It came. It came from the heart, but physically there was an expense.  Okay, you know,  Three months, another adult, two babies in the house. It's more water.

It's more electricity. It's, the gifts for the kids. It's going to the bookstore and getting another, but there are things that are there. So that Monday, not Monday, that week when we opened up our bank account and we sat down and we talked. We knew that we needed to free up money.  Okay, but we do it this way and I set up I call it the five key system  for any conversation that we have about money and especially if you've never talked about money before  So number one the first and most important key is during this conversation.

It's a non Judgmental zone.  Okay, we can't judge each other.  Okay, she's spending all my money. It's our money first of all Okay Understanding that it's your life. It's our life together. Okay. And having that conversation without saying, I can't believe you bought another shirt. Because that results in people hiding their purchases. 

I don't know if you've ever heard about that. But there are people that women, men, both. It's not only women. They'll buy something, they'll hide it in the closet. And then when they wear it, Let's say a shirt. Okay, let's say you bought a shirt and when you wear it  The other, you know, the other partner will say, is that new  and what is the most common answer? 

Do you know?  No,  no, it's not new. What? You didn't say I wear this before.  Okay.  So being able to say I bought this shirt this week. What do you think of this shirt?  Okay. Right. No, I mean. I see this. I saw this when I was growing up. I had a friend. We went shopping with her mother. Okay, like it was me sort of tagging along and we all these things had a great shop.

We got things on sale, whatever it was, we went to an outlet, you know, I was excited for me. This was a totally new experience and we get back to her house. And the first thing the mother says in the car before we get in is nobody tells daddy what we bought. You do not tell him how much this cost, you do not tell him what we bought, and I was like, what? 

This was so foreign to me, but I saw it happening in real life,  and it was the most impactful experience as a teenager, to just realize that different families have different ways of talking about money. And I was like, there is no way I want to be like that, you know, I would rather  not buy the shirt than have to hide it, you know, right. 

Right. And this is another lesson that I learned when I was growing up. Like my mom would do it. My father would always react to new purchase. And he was a, he was a buyer as well. He did the gadget things.  So, but they never talked about it without arguing.  Okay. So it was a correction that I needed to make in my marriage.

When I started my marriage, I said, whenever I buy something I'm going to tell you. And he says, I really don't care what you buy. And I said, I don't care. This is my correction for myself. Is when I buy something,  we do it and I can tell you at the beginning  three months ago when this all began we had this power surge in our house,  someone was on the roof, fixing our roof because the roof flooded the house  and we needed to buy in one day,  a washing machine, a dryer, a stove and a television on the same day. So we talked about it, and we were able to say, okay, so in order to do this, this is what we need to do. It wasn't a question of if, it was how is this going to happen? You know, where are the funds we're going to free up for this?  And it's about the planning. So, number one is the non judgmental zone. 

And number two, really important, is to ask open ended questions.  Okay, so give me an example of an open ended question about money. Okay, an open ended question would be what would, what would you like to happen?

Right. Okay, what would you like to happen? Okay, how would you like to plan this? So that that way  Instead of saying what are the purchases you would like to buy? Okay, these are the purchases we're gonna make in the next  12 months  Okay, because I also talked about Family planning this is the money talk with your partner, but it's also the money talk that we have with the kids at the beginning  Okay, the next 12 months.

What are the things that you want to happen that will cost money  so they can come with the biggest trips to Disneyland. They can come up with whatever it is. They want to come up with  and then we break it down. How can we make this happen? Will it happen? This year will happen next year will happen in 5 10 years. 

So that open ended question  in a non judgmental zone allows you to talk. I'm not going to judge you. It allows you to want, which is so powerful because a lot of us are not allowed to want, especially when it comes to money.  I Had this very recent example where I'm planning my birth, and I'm thinking what I want, and ideally I really want a home birth, but do I really need a home birth?

Because, I mean, there's nothing that bad about going to the hospital, and home birth costs money out of pocket, and going to the hospital is free, and a friend of mine even told me, and you get free diapers, and, you know,  Literally, like, that's going to really break your wrist. I like that.

I like that. But it's this mindset of, well, if it's not a necessity, then maybe I don't have to have it, and then I'm just being spoiled. Maybe I don't really need it. And I was sitting there Really trying to figure out why am I giving myself such a hard time when in reality, like this is what I want, I'm allowed to want it even if I have no reason for wanting it, except that it's a luxury, it's just going to make me feel amazing to not have to go into a fight,  you know, like go into birth as if I'm going into war, I can just be at home and not have to deal with all these things,  right?

So what if  The first two keys you use on yourself,  right? You start thinking these thoughts, stop judging yourself and Ask yourself an open ended question  That's exactly what I did and after I asked myself and after I brought God into it Which is you know my process the calm method, I brought it to my husband and I asked him, I just feel like, you know, maybe I, maybe it's it's baby-ish of me to ask for something that I don't have to have, but I really want it.

And he says so why can't you have it?  Surprising because that's when you really realize you've created a relationship that is supportive because even when you question yourself,  he'll come to your help and be like, no, no, it's okay. And this is crazy because my husband was not, not a home birth guy.

He was very medical  and with time he's just realized that this is what I need. This is the right thing for me. So he's super supportive and he's the one who talked me into it.  It was very cute. That's amazing. And you know, I reminded of something that happened during Sukkot.  Okay. Where I thought, one of the first questions I  ask a new client is what do they want? Make a list of things that you want. And it's so hard for people to say, this is what I want.  And I was with one of my granddaughters and her father and she wanted another lollipop.  Okay. She'd already had one and she wanted another.  And he said only one and he handled the situation beautifully.

Really? He, okay. Just amazing, whatever. And she looked at him and she said, Okay, it's not good for me. I understand too much sugar. But this is what I want. And then she stood there and she screamed  at the top of her lungs. We're in a shopping mall, right? Top of her lungs, I want another lollipop!  And he was like so embarrassed.

And I said, don't be embarrassed.  Let her keep this.  That she can say these are the things I want and as a parent It doesn't mean that everything she wants she can have but to be able to articulate what I want To be able to articulate that you want a home birth. Okay. Oh, I love it You know what one of the most important things knowing what you want when I ask my clients What do you really want?

Also the first question I ask I think all of us should be asking this The first thing they say is what they don't want, but I don't want to be poor anymore, but I don't want him to be so negative, but I don't want it to be so critical. I don't want this life to feel this way. And it's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know what you don't want. Now. What do you want? Like, Oh you know, it's so hard  actually. There's a little trick and what you don't want, what you want.  Think of that you're holding a magic wand. What you don't want is on one end  And what you do want is exactly on the opposite end of that. 

So I don't want to be poor.  So I want to be rich  Do you want to be rich or do you want to be wealthy?  I have no idea what the difference is. I just want to have the ability to be abundant. How's that?  And the ability to be abundant. If you're really clear about that, what does that look like? Hmm.  I think it's being able to, you know, have the things that I want and provide for others the same. 

Okay. So,  how much is that  in dollars?

Because if you don't know, you can't get there. There's this great quote, and I can't remember who said it,  that having the best map in the world will not help you if you don't know where you're going.  So, think about that for a minute. How much is, it's not how much is enough,  it, what is that number? And when  you get the number,  as an individual you have somewhere to strive towards, and as A couple is a married couple, right?

It's more attainable. It's not less attainable. It's more attainable.  So first, what do you want?  What does your partner want? And what do you want together? And when we do that in terms of money,  like all these emotions come up  like endless. I mean, if I have a lot of money, what does that make me?  Right?

Because people who are wealthy are complete the sentence, but fine.  Well, should I complete it the way you wanted me to complete it? No, no. I did a lot of work on that, you know. Wealthy people  are stingy. Wealthy people are mean. Wealthy people have their nose up in the air.

But I've, I've really done a lot of work. And I've, I'm like wealthy people are wealthy people.  Wealthy people have the ability to be more generous.  I like that. That sounds good. They can give more. You can give more if you have more money. Right.  And that's the place that I come from. Place of giving.

Because giving is receiving is giving is receiving is giving is receiving.  So, our third key is actually all about that. It's how we share our feelings.  So, non judgmental, open ended questions. Okay? And share our feelings.  Being like a multi billionaire makes me feel uncomfortable. That's a feeling. 

And because money is so emotional, you're going to have to deal with the feelings because if not, it's just going to all be running your life in the background. So exactly.  The way I say it in my book is money is an emotion.  Okay.  It's not only emotional, it's an emotion in itself.  It doesn't matter what sum of money, I could say 5, 20, 20, 000, 200 million,  it will be an emotion.

So I really believe that money is an emotion, and the more we share our emotions with each other about, wow, I bought a shirt for  1. 99 that makes me feel like a queen,  okay? And then you wash it,  and then it shrinks, and it disappears. Right? And then I'll say,  instead of saying to myself, I wasted 1. 99, right?

I'll say, I learned a lesson from this. Check this out. When am I learning from this? And we're always learning. You know that. Life is all about lessons. It's all about learning. And especially in relationships.  Every day for 43 years, I've learned something. And it's amazing when you can do it and talk about money because it's all based on how we were raised. 

Someone said something to us. Someone said money doesn't grow on trees. And my son when he was very young said, Ema, you're wrong. Money's made out of paper. Paper grows on trees.  So he never had to go through that. He never had to work through it. And he's married to this is my other, one of my other sons.

And he's married to a woman who has a lot of money stories. A lot of paradigms that are stuck there and there will never be enough. Okay. That scarcity mindset that's so hard to live with.  And as couples, when we have somebody who was raised. With a scarcity mindset, there will never be enough.  And they marry someone  who,  someone who believes there will always be enough.

Right? They'll spend easily, they'll invest easily. Whereas the other one will be angry about the investment  if they don't talk about it.  How to grow your money, okay?  And one is taught, only save your money. Never invest. Investing is a risk. And the other one is a risk taker.  So, the more we talk about this, and if we do it once a week,  right?

 It's mind blowing to do it. So, share the feelings. And be open and honest. Is key number five. The more honest we are, the more open we are. It makes me really uncomfortable that you're going to invest in something let's discuss it. Convince me!  Right. Okay. So  if we set this up as a longterm goal, it's not going to happen during your first conversation.

Not going to happen.  Okay. No, you have to, you have to build a muscle and you know, you've had this for 40 something years where you're talking about money all the time. But people who have never talked about money or people who are so triggered by money are going to have such a hard time just being able to open the door, let alone be all those things.

And so I want all you listeners to be very, very kind to yourself and very compassionate because it's not going to be, you know, okay, I sat down with my husband.

I told him how I feel about money and he exploded. Thank you very much. Now you made it worse. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not how we're doing this. Thank God you're married. So you have your life ahead of you to figure out how to talk about money and what works for you and how does it work? One of the things that I found is we really do meetings really well when we're walking or actually doing things so we'll go to a place or from a place and that's when we're alone in the car and suddenly I'm like, Oh, you know, I had to tell you a bunch of things and that was a good time to talk about it.

us. I know that my husband's focusing better when he's multitasking, as opposed to focusing by just, you know, give me the eye contact because he's better at multitasking. Focus. So I figured that out and I can lean into that,  but you have to figure out works for you in order to make this work. Don't take someone else's system or whatever, you know, thing and say, well, it has to be this way. It has to be on the friday morning and it has to be with coffee or chocolate and cookies or whatever. No,  absolutely. Okay. This is what works for us.  Okay, this is what works for us. This is what I teach.

You have to start the conversation. The first part of it is, Being comfortable with yourself and where you are  with your money mindset. Where are you first, okay? Yes. Understanding what's going on with you and how you're connecting your self worth to your net worth. And when we start separating our self worth from our network, that's when like true peace happens. 

Okay, and it's a process.  It's a process to say, my business isn't doing so well right now. But I'm doing fine.  That's, that's a big one,  right? Because you are not your business. You know, in couples where the husband is just not finding himself, not figuring it out. There's something weird about the money thing.

Right. And like, we're, we're, we're getting poorer. Things are, you know, things are not doing well and I'm getting frustrated and I'm, you know, sick of asking or whatever. And the woman becomes more and more agitated, more and more resentful. This is actually, you know, if you can sit down and have a conversation about separating the worth, you know, you're my husband and I still love you. It's not you, you, let's just remember guys, please, please let's put this out there. You are not the provider. God is right. God is providing. He's the one making sure you're eating and alive and have what you need. If your husband isn't making the money, it is not because he is broken is because this is what is right now, right?

This is God's will. And you can totally change the conversation by detaching the worth from the money. You know, being able to say  how you're doing has nothing to do with what we have, and I am supporting you with whatever a lot of guys I found  are afraid to take risk because they don't want to let their wives down again.

But it could be that they have an amazing idea or they're really motivated by something and they're just so scared because,  because of what she's going to say, because how she's going to react. And I think if, if the wife just knew that all she has to do is  be supportive and not judge him by how much money he's making.

He would be so much more  wealthy, right? He would be so much more successful just because he's going to be more confident in whatever he's doing.  Exactly. It's about worthiness. Okay. So how we feel worthy enough. I always say that if you want to know how rich you are, think of all the things that you have in your life that can't be about with money.

And one of the important things is your family.  It's your family. It's your relationship. And when we stop judging others,  we stop judging ourselves.  And when we do that, then everything starts to fall into place because we need to trust.  Okay? We need to trust and take action. Trust and take action.

Trust and take action right. Talk about aligned action, right? Because you're, as soon as you trust and bring that into the picture, then you're going to be guided and it's going to be less on you and more on listening and following, right? So the, the control and the weight of the situation is off your shoulders.

And it's an amazing feeling. And actually I found that almost every woman who's been through my program, any of my programs  turns around and tells me like six to nine months after, Oh, my husband got a new job. Oh my God, my husband got a raise. Oh, my husband's opening up his own business.

Something along those lines, because there's something that happens when you detach from  that conditional love. Exactly. So powerful. So, so powerful.  And there's, there's something else is that every person we meet  is a reflection of who we are. Okay. Okay.  As water is to water. It's a, it's from Tehillim and it's, it's a beautiful thing. 

What is it they're reflecting in me? What is it the spending habits are reflecting in me?  Where do I look inside to be able to help our relationship  move forward? Right now I'm going to take the responsibility. If it's a hard time, I'm going to take this responsibility of being the uplifter.

Someone who lost their job, then you uplifting again and again and encouragement again and again and again.  And the more encouragement you get, the more encouragement  that you give, you'll receive it.  In the future in some  way and and just letting go of the judgment. And what I wanted to say about the five key system  is that I often tell people  to try it with a friend first before you try it  with your partner. 

Oh, interesting.  So that you have a really good friend and you can sit down and say, this is the system. I want to try it out on you  and see how it works.  Okay. It's really hard to have a nudge judgmental conversation about money. The first time  you always want to tell them, but if you would have done it this way, or you would have done it this way, right.

Just to be actively listening in that conversation  and saying, Oh yes, I see. That's how you feel. This makes me feel like this and this.  And you practice it and then  you can try like maybe just step one.  Pick any of the five  and just start with one of them.  Okay. So let's review the five so that we don't get confused.

Number one is nonjudgmental. So don't go telling him what he did wrong or that it's his fault or, you know, guys don't start looking at all the numbers and being like, how did you do this? And that  just, if you need to speak about something, you can speak about your emotions, how you feel, right?

That was number three, but wait, so the number one is judgmental. Don't be judgmental. Number two, open ended questions. Yes. You're a good student. Okay.  I'm listening. I'm really, I'm using my memory skills over here. So number two is open ended questions. Don't put someone into a corner by asking them a question that will force them to think of the how right away, try to leave it open for what.

Are you interested in how, you know, how do you want it to look like almost like dreaming and wanting and allowing that space to just be for just a minute before you start getting all granular. I love that.  Number three was Emotions, share feelings, share. Ooh, good. Okay. So share feelings, share your feelings about how, you know, how you feel about money, what it brings up for you,  whatever history, you know, things  from your past. All the stories beliefs, you know, and this is something really fun to suddenly be like, Oh, you know what?

I realized, you know, something that I didn't think had to do with money has so much to do with money. These are really fun conversations when you get into them. It's also a memory glitter. Do you know what a glitter and a trigger?  A glitter is the opposite of a trigger.  Okay.

So if you have an emotional trigger, you can have an emotional glitter.  Oh, I get it now. Okay.  So when you get that emotional glitter, now I know, I remember when I was really little and my parents took me to the grocery store.  Right? They said this, this and this.  Right? And then you get the glitter from that. 

Well, I don't have to do that. My kids don't have to experience that. That was hilarious. And. Every conversation we have about money, a memory comes up,  okay? Right. It could be a memory of us when we were first married. It could be a memory when we were going through a crisis. It could be something really funny that happened with money. 

And it's accepting and trusting,  okay? It's trust there, it's trust here, and then it's trust  in the other.  Right, right. Trust in God, trust in yourself and trust in your husband. Such a beautiful thing.  I love it. Okay. So we're at number three. Number four totally escaped me. Active listening.

Did you say that one?  I don't know if we have a chance. No, cause I'm, I missed it. Okay, so active listening. Let's talk about that one.  Okay, so there's listening and there's active listening.

Listening is,  I sort of heard what you said,  okay? I sort of accept what you said.  Active listening is telling someone,  I hear what you said.  I don't have to agree with you, but I heard what you said.  Right. I've heard of, you know, active listening versus listening. When you're listening, your brain is formulating an answer as you're listening. 

It's coming up with what you're going to say next. And in active listening, all you have to do is listen. Just repeat back to them what they said in different words to prove that you were listening. So your brain is now doing completely different action, which is collecting information and making sure that you heard every detail so that you can formulate it back into, you know, a mirror.

That's, that's so powerful because you're working with your brain, not against your brain, right? Like we're not trying to Don't do what you're doing before, you know, and then like your brain is just going to go, okay, so what should I do instead, but more like just stop trying to respond. You don't have to say anything.

There, there doesn't have to be a defense mechanism saying like, but I, you know, I hear what you're saying, but  But, and we always use teach my clients to use not to use the word, but  Yes, of course. But that's what you do when you're listening. You listen and you try to learn. Okay, so I'd love to tell you that  I'm always actively listening while my husband is talking,  okay?

Not the truth,  okay? Because I'm always authentic. To be an active listener, you have to be focused on that.  You're only focused on that. And that's not going to happen when you're driving. And that's not going to happen when the kids are walking around. Okay, it's not going to happen while  somebody's at a party or something else emotionally is going on with you.

It's really hard to be an active listener. In these past three months, I have been an active listener more than I have,  I would say for the past 12 months.  I'm actively listening to what people are telling me so that I can hear them through their filter and not through my filter.  Right. Because the last three months has just been war experiences that are so individual to each one. 

And  when a person shares what they're going through a regular listener would just be like, Yeah, well, you know what happened to me? Or Oh, well, you know, my son, you know, my husband, my whatever, like you, you right away, just respond and move the conversation along without really giving space. And this is one of those times when active listening is really gonna  create some deep connections because that's exactly what we need right now.

So good for you. That's amazing. Okay, so it's the active listening, but it's not like you need to go step 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. It's a combination of them.  The non judgmental zone is the no negotiation there, okay? The minute you reach that you Take away the judgmental part of all of this  then  the rest happens  You actively listen because you don't have to judge anymore  Okay, you actively share your feelings because there is no judgment so you can share your feelings. 

There is no shame There is no guilt.  It's just  Connecting it's reconnecting  and that's why that's why this works. There are all kinds of things that go on in the programs that I do. There's legacy building. There's legacy mindsets. A mindset legacy that you're leaving your children.

It's more important than anything else you could leave them.  If you leave them with a healthy, wealthy mindset, then they're set for life.  Okay? And when we create these zones That are not judgmental.  That's where the magic happens. What would you say if a person says, okay, very nice.

We talked about it nonjudgmental, but then as soon as I said something personal, as soon as I was open and honest, as soon as I expressed my emotions, the other person became judgmental and it closed me up. What do you do in order to Come back and you know repair that in a way that will allow for next time to be better, right?

We don't want you to close up and then never do it again. That would be the worst thing possible Okay, so start slowly start slowly start slowly. It's a process  People don't like to hear that, but it is a process. I'd like to say that it's magic. One, two, three, everything will go away.

Everything will be perfect.  When you agree that you're going to have a five minute conversation about money, for five minutes, with no judgment, then you learn how to do it. If you've never been an active listener, you  don't know how to do it.  It's a technique. These are all techniques. Being honest is something I believe that is  the basis for all,  all relationships.

It doesn't matter what relationship you're in,  and still there's a wisdom there that everyone has.  When is the right time?  Right. And also, you know, it's, it's like anything else. Some people are not honest. And open because they were  hurt for being honest and open, right? And so there they have protective mechanisms around it, you know, I don't want to tell them the truth because then I'll get in trouble.

I don't want to say certain things because then, you know, whatever. And your, your protective mechanism goes into effect.  The more aware you are and the more you can deal with that on your own beforehand, the easier it will be for you.  And  the beautiful thing is that when you're in a marriage and it's a long term relationship and you truly, honestly want to make it work,  you will find a way to make it work. 

Yes. Yes.  And the first way I really believe this about Bat-Chen,  first we have to make peace with ourselves.  and our own self worth. That's the number one place we need to start. Making peace with ourselves, with our worthiness, with who we are, with what we want.  And once we understand what it is that we want,  then we can make intentions. 

Okay, people talk about goals, it's the beginning of the year of  2024, I have all of these goals I'm gonna go and I say goals are great, now what's your intent?  being really specific with yourself, what it is that you want and talking to your partner  about what is you want to create together. 

Okay. Right. And I want to bring here an asterisk because a lot of times I get people who come to me and say, We want this that the other and I was like that's great. But what do you want? Well, what do you mean? I want what we want, you know, it's like okay, but what do you want?  Because we're a couple we sometimes get swallowed by the we and we don't give ourselves permission to have an identity of our own and to have our own wants and Then it just sort of mushes together And that mush isn't, isn't really going to get you anywhere when you know, Oh, this is what I want.

This is what he wants. It happens to be, you know, that together we have a want,  but I really want it for my reasons. I have my own intentions. Oh, it's such a different energy. Totally different. Totally different. And that's why I say our self worth.  Okay. Our self worth  is. Who we are, what we bring  to this world, what, what the gift we were given to be here  and how are we going to use that  and then to bring that into a relationship  to be able to say this is my self worth, this is who I am and what it is that I'm bringing  and to be able to have that conversation  and be honest and in a non judgmental  conversation  It's magic.

That's the magic. First, figure out what you want,  what your intentions are, how you want to see your life. And these are all conversations that we're supposed to have before we get married.  Supposed to. Supposed to. We're supposed to have these conversations.  And sometimes I get married when I was very young, so I had no,  no idea how to do this. 

I had to grow into my self worth. I had to grow into all of this. And in the meantime, be in a marriage, and then be a mother,  okay? And to remember who I  am, and what it is that I want.  And, and it's a beautiful thing when it comes together.  It is. I think that's so relatable. Most people, and especially if we're talking money mindset, money emotions are so tied to the family that we came from, right?

The way that we grew up, the people who we were around. When you sit down to a date or when you're engaged and you want to start talking about money. you're still not at the place where you're disconnected from that past. You're still in that, you know, environment. And so there's a lot of things that are going to be in your blind spot because you're not going to see them yet.

You haven't moved far away enough to turn around and be like, Oh no, that's there. That's from there. That's not, that's not a fact. That's just. I believe, right? But like a lot of times, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. I'm supposed to notice or I'm supposed to, you know, have seen this. There is no way for you to see it.

It was right behind your back,  right? It's like only when you disconnect and move away and start a family and start to live and then have kids and then realize you're saying the same exact things your parents used to say and then react a certain way when there's no money or when there is money or blah, blah, blah.

Then you can stop, pause, turn around, be like, where is this coming from? What's going on? What's the story? And a lot of times we're hard on ourselves for not finding things sooner when in reality this is exactly when it had to come up and this is exactly when you had to find it. So let go of that. And just deal with it now, right?

You know, there's a saying, yes,  everything is exact. I love it. Everything is exact.  And Abraham Hicks says you are always in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.  And  it's something that goes with me every day. The days that I get stuck, I get stuck too. Okay. And on the days that I get stuck, like last three months. 

Just went by for me. It's like October 15th without the 7th in the middle to me. It's October 15th So  we all get stuck, but we need to remind ourselves To be kind to you and this is what I teach all of my clients Know it be kind to you not be kind to yourself Be kind to you  be kind to you when you think about money be kind to you and you want to talk about money  Okay, you need to plan a financial future. Debbie Sasson. Amazing. Amazing. What she teaches, she teaches up building the future, building a financial plan, building things the way that you want them to look  instead of just saying, Oh, I'm stuck. How am I going to get out of here?  Oh, I can't talk to him. He lost his job.  If I talk to him about it, he'll be insulted. 

And leave the story alone and say, that's what I'm here for.  Right? I know what I want. And if he doesn't know what he wants yet.  That's that's okay. Eventually you get there. You're exactly where you are. He's exactly where he is and you don't have to be simultaneously  exactly at the same time and place every single thing, right?

So it allows just like the judgmental thing. Don't judge the fact that he's not ready. You know, you weren't ready two days ago.  You can't make as much as you want to try. You can never make anyone ready for something.  Right. They have to be ready themselves.  Right. Somebody said you could have, you could have convinced this person to work with you. 

And I said that it's not my job to convince them.  It's the need that they need to have  to work on this. Right. You, you want to work on money. You want to work on money mindset.  Great. This is what it's going to take.  Okay. There's work to be done. It's fun. It's just like so much fun.  Okay. It's fun money.

Money is fun. And when we get that,  when you internalize it, that money is fun. Money is meant to serve us.  We're not here to serve money. Money is something good. It's not something that you need to fear.  Money is something good, and it's something we need to invite into our lives.  Yeah, I mean, you mentioned believing money is bad and dangerous and scary.

Why would you want more money? You know, why would you allow that into your life? You would avoid money at all costs. So you have to look really deep at these stories and, you know, really examine what's going on behind the scenes that, you know, you don't really want to be something, but you know, it can be something really simple that someone said  that it was having a conversation about money. 

And you walked by as a six year old and you internalized it, it doesn't have to be a traumatic experience. It doesn't. A lot of people have traumatic experiences. I'm not, you know, I'm not belittling that at all. In my book that's coming out soon each chapter begins with a story. Okay. It starts with a story and about the lessons that I learned as a child.

Okay.  They're like all the wrong things about money, and  it's amazing how it influences you through the rest of your life.  But when you get that money, it's fun. And I'm going to go to the opposite here.  that money is fun. It's here to serve you.  It's not that you have to always be in a rat race looking for money, serving money, but money is here to serve you. 

And when you get,  when you're able to understand that money is fun. That money you can play games with, okay? Money you can enjoy. And more than that, I'm giving everyone permission to love money. We don't allow ourselves to enjoy money.  I love it. Okay so Karel, tell everybody how they can work with you, how they can find you, because everybody wants money to be fun, and everybody wants to get to the other side of the feelings of discomfort around money.

How can people find your book, find you, work with you,  give you money?  And give me money, because I do enjoy money. I, you know, I feel really good about saying that. I enjoy money, and I want people to be able to enjoy money and talk about money. And the more you talk about money, the more comfortable you get.

The more you're able to say, this is how much I made last month.  Whether it's a really big number, or it's a really small number, it really doesn't matter, because it's a matter of fact thing. Okay, so I have a free ebook  that I will give to whoever wants to contact me. Or whatever, and it is an e book, and it's called Money Mindset Detox. 

I love it. It's fun. It gives you an introduction to money. And I have a book that's coming out that was now renamed. The original name was What My Mother Never Taught Me About Money. Mm hmm. And now it is how not to think about money,  the publishers decided and I decided to go with it. It should be released in March. 

We're going through a whole branding process. It's really exciting. It's an excellent book  and you can find me on my website. Bat-Chen has the Rebbetzin has the Rebbetzin has my website. And all of my links, you can find me on Facebook at Karel Glazer  and on  Instagram, it's Karel J Glazer.  And I give out tips and value and sometimes it's just fun to follow me.

Sometimes it's really deep  to follow me and sometimes it's really energetic and sometimes it's just really mellow. But there's always something to learn from the things that I post. And I invite you all into this amazing world of money,  of enjoying money.  I do not promise. That money will fall from the sky,  but I will give you an exercise Right now  that I advise Anyone to do in any financial situation wherever you are in your life  And we stand up  we take a deep breath in deep breath out right hand on our heart  We  look it's someone if you have someone next to you  And you say, I am worthy, I am worthy, I am worthy, I am worthy, I am worthy. 

We do this three times a day. It brings a peace  to  start with.  I want to thank you so much  for this.  It's been fun. It's been interesting. You've challenged me, which I really love being challenged.  And  I want to.  Remind everyone to be kind to themselves  and that  Your future is right now. Everything is exact.  And if you want to move forward,  give me a call. 

I'll talk to you  and you're invited and you know, I invite you into my world because it's so much fun. It's so much fun in there. so  much, Karel. It's been a pleasure. I mean, this is one of the longer episodes because we just can't stop. There's so much to say, and I could probably go on for another hour if we could, but I feel so blessed to have had you and thank you so much to everybody for listening all the way to the end.

Next week, we are talking about God and money and why did God create money and what's all this about? So stay tuned. It's going to be really fascinating.  And if you haven't been in touch yet with me about working together, I have three month program that is starting right now. And I am, you know, open doors.

There's only a handful of spots. So make sure that you come. You can go to connected for real dot com slash coaching and see all the details. Or you can just look in the links below. So There are going to be Karel links. There's going to be my links and you can schedule a free discovery call and we can go deep dive into creating your roadmap to really see what you want and how to make it happen.

So let's do it.  You're amazing. And I just. I'm gonna add one more thing. In another three weeks, I am launching a brand new program  called from burnout to blissed out. So if you're a business, a female business owner, entrepreneur, and you're feeling like really burned out,  really just, you know, drop me a message and let's get you in.

It's a basic program. It's a mini mind.  There are four meetings, so it's right to the point and  for huge mind shifts that can get you from burned out to.  Thank you.  I love it. Everybody check out the links below and we are going to come back next week with an amazing podcast. Stay tuned and thank you.

Don't forget to be connected for real.

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Can you share it with them?  I am Rebbetzin Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.