97. Is divorce Genetic?

And we are  live welcome everyone to the connected for real podcast today. I am in a solo episode and I'm excited to be addressing this question because it is a question from a follower  and I love it. I love answering specific questions that come in. So the question was, my parents and my grandparents are divorced.

I'm dating now and I'm worried. Is divorce genetic? And it was such a great question because is divorce genetic? And, you know, some of you have heard parents who say, be careful or some people. I've even heard say that it's contagious. Ooh.  So let's discuss it a little bit, because I think that it's really important to put the facts out there and to bring up a little bit of the awareness. 

It's also really great that you're asking this question because it's just the only thing you know, right? It's like your parents are divorced. Your grandparents are divorced. So there's a lot of subconscious beliefs and you know things and thoughts that are part of Your world that maybe you don't even know are warped or not fully aligned because it's just The only thing you know, and the only thing you've seen, so we're going to talk about that. 

And first I want to talk about, what is genetic or what does it mean when something runs in the family?  And when I was looking into this, you know, just thinking at loud, I realized that, a lot of the things that we talk about. are parallel to the physical world, right? If I want to address something that is in the spiritual world with my soul, something that has to do with my emotions,  my, non tangible part of my life, what I can do is I can see the Parallel, I could see the physical world and I can learn something from it and then be able to bring it back.

So when I think of the physical world, when something is genetic or it runs in the family, it means you are more likely to get it. It does not mean you are doomed, right? It does not mean that you have a guarantee that you are going to have the same sickness as all your parents and grandparents and that there is nothing you can do about it.

What it does also mean is that you're going to have to be a little bit more on top of it because it runs in the family or because it is genetic or because there is something that is leaning towards having a higher risk. So you're going to become a lot more intentional, a lot more conscious about making sure that it doesn't happen to you.

And in the physical world, you know, my, my go to  example was heart disease,  right? It's if there's heart disease in the family, then what do you do and how do you deal with that in your own life as  As a individual, you want to have the best life. You want to live, you know, a vicious life full of life and excitement and fun and do all the things  and you want to live long.

You don't want to suffer. So how do you make that happen? By the way, there is a quote that I found and it says heart disease is often viewed as genetic inheritance because families tend to share lifestyle habits, such as diet, a high of intake of sugar, fat, sodium leads to common conditions that can increase the likelihood of heart disease.

But here's the quote, our daily habits, although not hereditary are typically learned, shared and passed between family members. So the daily habits  have more to do. With your risk, then the actual hereditary part, isn't that so awesome?  Because then you can control what you can control,  which is your daily habits, your thought patterns, your things that you are doing, and you know, actions that you're taking.

These are all things that you can control. Things you cannot control are. You know, none of us can control what is actually going to be the outcome. Only God can, right? So that's not going to leave you much room,  but when we bring it back to, Oh, even in the physical world, heart disease is made up of part genetics and part.

Daily habits and. Isn't it amazing that you can actually do something about it? So the risk is definitely there, but it does not mean that you're going to die.  It does not mean that you are doomed. It does not mean that there is no other chance. It actually is good news. It means that you have to be more conscious and more intentional about your life so that it doesn't happen to you.

And I'm saying, this is the good news because. All of us are being pushed to be more conscious and more intentional in all parts of our lives. And, you know, a lot of the time we can use things that motivate us.  And we want to be more intentional. We want to be more conscious so that we can succeed. And a lot of times we are pushed into a corner and then we're like, Oh, now I have to be more, you know, more conscious and more intentional.

Like,  right. But either way, that's where we want to end up. We want to be more conscious and more intentional. So how do we do that? And specifically in this context of this question.  So if you had higher risk for heart disease or any other, you know, genetic thing that was physical, you would probably get professional guidance.

You would go often to, you know, a doctor or health professionals that would help you get on the right diet and exercise more and invest in yourself. You would do things differently. Because you realize that has more to do with your habits and more to do with your mindset than it does with Physicality of your body, right?

And this is really fun because you can actually reverse  The hereditary story and change the entire loop of what happens next with your children and their children just by being intentional. This is something really amazing that I just cannot get over how much we can control and how much we do have power over our lives.

Okay, so this makes me extremely happy.  You're not doomed.  And a long time ago, we had guests and my friend Rachel was here and she said, just because I come from a broken home  doesn't mean that I have to be a broken person.  And it was such a good quote. I memorized it right there. And then even though it was in the middle of Sabbath and I couldn't write it down,  it is so powerful just because I came from a broken home, doesn't have to make me a broken person.

And she made that her life. She made that her. Motto of everything that she does is I am going to be intentional and I'm not going to keep the ball rolling I'm gonna stop it right here and I'm going to do the things differently  and She said she went to classes. She asked for advice. She invested in herself She got coached.

She got you know therapies She got whatever she needed in order to process whatever it was to find what? What are good skills? What are good tools that she needs to know in order to have a good marriage? And she created one of the strongest marriages that I know, really. And I,  I'm an expert. I see marriages all the time, and this is really awesome to watch how a person can be so hands on with their focused dream and focused goal.

So.  What does divorce come from? Not from random genes. Right? And not from just hereditary, Oh, it just happens to me that this is just how it is. And this is what happens. It's not gonna happen to me. Well, if you don't do anything about it, you can't guarantee that.  Most of the time, it's the negative looping.

That is modeled to us. And then we just sort of think that that's normal. And we go into those loopings ourselves. Right? So there's a lot of drama in the mind. There's a lot of stories. There's a lot, you know, and I'm doing this with my hand because it's a loop. Right? And there's like reruns in our heads, like our brain just gets caught on something that's nice and juicy, and then it reruns over and over and over again, and then you tell the same story a million times so much that, you know, to the point that people are like, I've heard this before, I get it.

I know your story. And it's like, why am I so attached to the story? So you're, you're attached to the story because you are using the story as a comfy blanket. You are using the story as a protective mechanism. If I am wrapped up in the story, then I don't have to do anything. Then it's such a good excuse to just sit here and be comfy and be under my blankets and not have to  do anything different. 

And a lot of it has to do with that mental laziness. So instead of having to be intentional and be conscious and be, you know,  take action. It just gives me a great feeling about, well,  I have a great story. That's that, that gives me a total excuse, you know, gets me out of it. And I am going to keep looping.

Now we're not doing this consciously. When you're looping, you are a hundred percent not doing it consciously. And a lot of people are suffering from their loops and they're like, how do I get out of this loop? How do I get out of the story? And first thing is just be aware that it's happening behind the scenes, that your brain is using it as. 

A mechanism that it just presses the button, right? Default, default, default. So we have to be super conscious to catch it.  Right? It's going to happen. The story is going to come up. What do I do in order to catch it? What do I do in order to like, you know, wait, wait, wait, pause. I'm not sure I want to go down this route.

I'm not sure I want to sit there and, you know, rehash all of that story again. And when we're able to  catch it, that's when you become conscious, right? It's like, I'm no longer just, you know, dreaming and going with the loop and just letting my body do the thing that's default. I am taking charge. I'm leading.

That's an amazing feeling. Okay. So that's number one.  The second thing is that we're lacking the right tools and the right skills. Okay. There is a skillset that comes with making a good marriage. Good. Right, and making a marriage successful and being able to successfully survive life with another human being that is so different than you and you cannot understand why in the world you ended up together. Every marriage that I have seen is one of these, like, what was God thinking when he did this? Now, you know, once you get out of that and over that hump, then you're like, Oh, okay. So he put us together for a reason and we can. Focus on that reason, you know, really put our mind to making this work, even though it doesn't make sense to us. 

But for the most part, marriage is not just smooth sailing. It takes a lot of work and it takes a lot of conscious effort to be the good one, to want it to work, to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.  And. When you come in with that attitude, when you know what it takes and when you have the glue that it takes to stick together, even though  it stinks, even though right now I cannot stand you, but I still love you,  right?

That is going to be the thing that separates. The people who break and the people who don't, it's the skillset of being able to stick. It's the skillset of being able to get through it and see past it.  And a lot of people are lacking this skill. And that's one of the things that I see a lot. is, you don't realize you're lacking it if you'd never saw it,  but it's one of the really important skills and tools that you need to have in your belt.

So make sure  that you are  exposing yourself  to those skill sets in other ways. Okay, so make sure that you go and visit people who do show real life to you. Okay, having a mentor who is all  perfect  and everything's fine and we never fight and we never have any drama in the house and the kids are always so well behaved and everything is just so perfect is not going to give you the skill sets you need.

It's more like. Oh, sure. You could see how we deal with our kids screaming at the table. You can see how we deal with disagreement and being annoyed at each other or whatever, because we're willing to give you that  inside, inside scoop that, you know, the inside view on what's going on behind the scenes.

Because we understand that you actually have never seen it. You don't have that. So definitely an amazing thing to to see, by the way, this is a total tangent. But this is one of the reasons why I love being  me and what I do. One of the things that I try very hard to.  to you is that realistic and authentic and relatable part of myself, that it's okay that we don't agree.

It's okay that my husband is. Not perfect, or let's say it this way, it's okay that he's perfect and I'm not.  Just kidding.  We're both not perfect. Surprise, surprise! We are human, and we're meant to be not perfect.  And it bothers me when people try to be too perfect, and I also see past  certain mentors and certain people who  almost fake it.

You know, like, Oh yeah, I will help you with your relationships and I will help you, blah, blah, blah. And then behind closed doors, they can't even be in the same room without fighting. The disconnect between what they're showing and where they are at is just so lacking for me.

And when I was starting to do this work, I became extremely conscious and intentional. About being my real self and that is why I think some of you are listening here because you like that. It's relatable. You like that. I am human and that I'm not perfect. Maybe you like that. If you need me to be perfect, just make sure you raise your hand and let me know so I can just You know, clarify that I'm not perfect and I will never be, probably.

I mean, I'm trying to perfect myself. I'm working really hard. But it's not about the result. It's about the journey. And I am enjoying the journey, let me tell you. And I'm working really hard to just get 1 percent better every day.  It's, it's, it's a progress. I'm, I'm getting there. Okay, back to our topic at hand. 

It's all about the habits, the lifestyle, right? And the thought processes, what is going on up here in your mind is going to affect everything that you are living. It actually creates realities, literally, because Okay, I may have used literally wrong. I'm sorry, Abby. Abby is my husband. He knows when to use literally correctly and he corrects me all the time.

And I don't think he listens to my podcast, but he definitely reads my emails. And  I'm just saying it out there. If he did hear this, or if any of you are like him and you're smart, just know that I think I caught myself and I'm not really sure about this one. So let's. you know, backtrack for a second.  You  are thinking  most of our thoughts are default thoughts because our brain likes to just be as simple as possible, as lazy as possible.

Just give us the easiest thought to think. We also have our, you know, soul and then the other part of. What's pulling us down, right? So there's like the soul is going up like a flame and then there's that weight pulling us down that's, you know, trying to give us all these thoughts that are going to keep us nice and comfy and not really going anywhere  and that conflict, right, is the difference between conscious and unconscious and default and intentional.

So for the most part, a lot of your thoughts are going to be default. A lot of your thoughts are going to be unconscious, and there's going to be a lot of subconscious. Stuff that is running your life in the background, what we want to do is make sure that we create habits and we make them a lifestyle of  learning to become connected with ourselves to really become intentional.

And what does that mean for me? And how do I do it? You know, in my own world, let me tell you, you are so unique. I do not agree that everybody should meditate or everybody should journal or everybody should wake up, you know, 5am and do their thing and blah, blah. No, like there is no one size fits all anything. 

The most important thing for you to do is get in touch with what works for you. Because some people do really well with going in the shower to think. And to become intentional. Some people do really well by exercising, by going outside, by, you know, I don't know, do you? You do you!  But find what works for you, because this is going to save your life, this is going to make your thought process

it's different. It's going to change the programming in your brain to create a lifestyle that is completely different than what you are used to, than what you came from, than what you were modeled. Okay. So this is really important. I really want you to make sure to take the time to get in touch with yourself and find the thing that works for you and then lean on that thing  all the time.

If you need help finding this, by the way, I have a guide, and it's called the Guide the free guide to unravel overwhelm.  And I love it because that is exactly what it does. And it does everything else, but it is so simple is just finding the one thing, what I call the marble and letting that marble push all the other.

Dominoes so that you have a domino effect, but you only have to control that one marble and get it to move. Okay? I am Tracking my own marble. I've been tracking it for a while I can show it to you and share it with you if you'd like but I'm just putting it out there if you need help getting out of overwhelm or just all of those thoughts and the noise and unraveling your life from that big knot that feels like it's stuck Get that at connected for real dot com slash guide and you can find that link down below Okay, so we talked about is divorce Genetic is it hereditary?

Does it run in the family? Do I have to worry? What am I going to do about my dating life? And all those wonderful thoughts and you know, questions that came up. So you are not doomed.  The good news is that there is much that you can do to become conscious and intentional and to get into daily habits and a lifestyle that will create.

A marriage that lasts. Okay.  I'm going to put it out there right now. It's not going to be easy. Marriage is not smooth sailing.  Marriage is meant to shake you up and get what's inside you to come out. Right? There was once a great meme of like, why did the coffee spill? Because there was coffee in the cup.

And, you know, if it would have been tea, then the tea would have spilled. It's to show us that, you know, when we shake up, what is in us is going to come out.  And if I have coffee within me, then when I shake up, because life is going to shake up, right? Then the thing that's going to come out is going to be coffee.

But if I have tea inside, it's going to be tea. If I have trust in God, like ultimate trust that He is taking care of me, and that I am in the right hands, and He's orchestrating everything so perfectly, and I am getting exactly what I need, and I was put together with the exact person I need to deal with, then this is exactly the situation that we need to be in and this is so perfectly  tailor made for me right now.

And since I'm stuck in this challenge, I also know that God gave me everything I need in order to get through the challenge. And I have every tool and every skill that I need. And if I need, I have the people I can lean on. And he's going to guide me to the right guides. And he's going to help me know exactly what to do next.

If I can just lean, Oh my gosh, people, when you can have that inside you and things shake up, that is, what's going to come out and it's going to come to your help. And it's going to really serve you. If what I have inside is a bunch of stories about how men are this, that, the other, or it's always the women's fault, or this is always how it ends up, and I can't trust anybody in anything.

Nobody's there to help me. I, you know, everybody's out to get me all the stories that are universal. You're not the only one thinking them.  But if I am regurgitating these things and looping in them so long and brewing  in all of that negativity and all of that, you know, junk noise,  then when there's a shake up, you better believe that stuff is going to come out.

And it's not going to serve you. It's not going to help you. It's not going to guide you anywhere. Good. So  make sure you put in your cup when night, when everything is nice and calm and you're able to really focus, put into your cup,  the things that you want to have there for the time of. The spill. Okay. I don't wish on anyone that things should happen to you.

And you should be forced into that shake up. But I'm just telling you in reality, life shakes up. There's winds, there's tornadoes, there's movement, there's lots of things that are going to happen. We're in the month of January now, and all of the talk of the topic now in my podcast is all about money.

Nobody is expecting to be poor. Nobody goes into a marriage being like, my husband's not going to get a job, and then we're not going to have an income, and then we're going to be poor, and then we're going to have to figure it out, and then I'm going to have to start being frugal, and I'm not used to it.

And why is this happening to me? Nobody goes into a marriage thinking this is going to be cool.  But a lot of people, and I would say even most people have to deal with some sort of shakeup that is financial. In a marriage, it doesn't matter if it's in the beginning of your marriage, in the middle of your marriage, in the end of your marriage, at some point in your marriage, there's going to be less money than you want there to be. 

And then you're going to have to deal with it. And you're going to be like, Oh,  what do you want from me now? Right?  And the answer is, be ready, be prepared. Who really is supporting you?  Is it your husband? Is it the job?  Or is it God, you know? And when I think, oh, my husband is supposed to support me and he's not getting his act together.

Maybe he's depressed. Maybe he's in bed. Maybe he's really down. Maybe he's not functional. Maybe he's not doing his manly duties and I'm angry and annoyed with him and I'm resentful that I even have to live this life and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, alert story, right? 

Or I could be like, okay, God, you are the source of  livelihood. You are the source of life. You are the source of everything. So how about I just turn to you and be like,  what do you want from me? What do I need to do now? What do I get to lean into in this situation. It's obviously to help me grow, right?

And let me tell you the last thing your husband needs if he is in bed, all depressed and not having a job is for you to point out how much of a loser he is. And push him down even further.  It would be so much more helpful if you were like, You know what? It has nothing to do with you. God is the provider.

God is the source of money. And he's gotten, you know, he got us. He's right here. He's got our back. All we need to do is just Get through this and we can get through this. Can you imagine what a different energy that is? If a wife told that to a husband who was feeling like a loser anyway. Wow. Right. So let's just become a little bit more conscious, a little bit more intentional about what we say in certain situations, specifically about money.

Just because this month is money. I wanted to bring that in and to tie that up, but in any situation. Everybody's going to have to deal with something that has to do with kids.  Guaranteed. You're either not getting pregnant fast enough, getting pregnant too fast, having too many kids, you know, in a batch, not having them fast enough. 

The kids are causing you trouble. They're not exactly as you want them to be. There's something wrong with Blah, blah, blah. Some people have to deal with health issues. Some people have to deal with emotional things. Some people have to deal with labels. Some people have to deal with, come on, like there's so much, so much in the children department.

Right. And every couple is going to have to deal with that. You don't get married being like, Oh, I'd like to sign up for the you know, this, this, this option right here. I think I can handle that one better. No, we don't sign up for the challenges that we get. They're exactly orchestrated to be custom made to us and our abilities and our purpose  in this world.

Okay. So stay focused.  Don't get confused here. It's very important that you stay aligned and that you remember that What's going to get you through it  is not blame and not shame and not any of that mud throwing stuff  It's going to be the intentional high consciousness stuff That's going to really come to your aid  and that's why I am here to help you Okay,  so let's talk about how you can thrive  in any of the stages of life that you're in If you are dating, if you're newly married, if you're not so newly married, if you're very, very longly married at any point  in your journey, if you need the right skills and the right support, and if you're ready.

To really up level your  mental programming so that you can  get up there  in your actions in the way that you act and react and proact. That's the word for proactive, yeah?  Just so we understand each other. I crack myself up. I love it. I'm having so much fun just doing this podcast for you.  Okay, back to the things I was saying.

Then, if you're ready, and I know you're ready. You know why I know you're ready? Because  You know, you're ready. You're being called to be ready and it's scary, but you're ready So if you are ready, and when you are ready, please schedule a deep dive discovery call with me It is a free 60 minute call where we are going to extract the three main obstacles That are holding you back.

Okay. I don't want to work on everything in your life I want to work on the three things that are going to really move the needle. I want to attack the three main objectives and really, really like squeeze the lemon out of them so that you can detangle all of the other parts. Okay.  After we extract those and I, I really, I listen, I'm very good listener, ask good questions.

So definitely worth the 60 minute discovery call.  At the end of that discovery call, I'm going to create a roadmap for you. And I'm actually going to give you the recommendations and the practical steps that you need. This is super fun because at this point you could be like, Yep. That's cool. Let me go try that myself.

Or, you know, thank you so much, but I'm not really in alignment with what you said or whatever you get to do you. Yeah. But if you do decide to work together, there is just an incredible power of what can happen during those months that we work together. Right now I'm offering a three month program of just private one on one.

It's the cheapest way to work with me. Okay.  When I was doing groups, it was more expensive. Okay. This is like a real special.  tHe reason why I'm doing this is because I found that you really need one on one help in order to get to where you want to go. And on top of that, because I've had all of my masterminds and all of my groups, I'm giving you access to all of my curriculum.

So you get the trainings, the sessions. the meditation library, everything that I have available is going to be available to you. And right now, because I am expecting a baby.  sO you get extra time with my stuff because I'm going to be on maternity leave. So you're going to have an extended period of time With the recordings and with the meditation library and all of that.

Of course, you also get what's up support from me. So my clients love it that they could just send me a voicemail or a text message being like, this is what's stopping me today, or I can't get out of this loop, or what do I do about this? My husband did this, that the other,  you send that to me, I will give you feedback and we can go back and forth.

So you not only are you getting the. one on one personalized coaching. You're also getting, you know, in between calls, the asynchronous coaching, which is really cool. Super valuable. Okay. So I'm inviting you to come and dream big and live big. I want your marriage to feel supportive and amazing to you.

I want you to be ready to break through all of those ceilings that are keeping you small, that thing that's pulling you down and keeping you comfy and you know, you know, that that's not what you're being called to do. And you're not meant to be kept small. I want you to know that. And I want you to know that we can help you with that.

 You don't have to stay small just because that's what's happening in the background. Okay. So we're going to reprogram that. And. If you're ready to bring God into your life,  because it's all about that. It's all about really being able to bring God into it and turn on the light  on that darkness, turn on the light so that you don't have to deal with all the unknowns. 

All by yourself,  right? So, okay, let's put together a personalized plan for you. All you have to do is go to connected for real. com slash coaching.  You'll see all the details there, but you should just click on the schedule a call there. It will take you directly into my calendar, find a time that works for you.

Let's meet and let's talk about your specific situation and how you can have a complete breakthrough. I am so excited about this opportunity. Okay. Let's just wrap it up with how we started so that, you know, I don't confuse you too much being that I am great at going on tangents. We started out by talking about the followers question.

My parents are divorced. My grandparents are divorced. I'm getting worried about what's going to happen with my marriage when I actually go out and get married.  What is your advice?  I gave you a lot of amazing advice how to. Stay conscious, how to become intentional, how to change the loops of your brain, how to reprogram your brain.

And that, you know, basically you have to get into a good rhythm within yourself and your own habits so that you can create a new legacy from here on. Okay. Stop the ball from rolling, stop this snowball effect that's going on. With whatever is happening till this point, change the rhythm, change the narrative, change what's actually happening.

And from here on, you start a new legacy. You start modeling something new for your own life, for your kids, for your grandkids, and change the story. It's possible. It's possible in the physical world. We see people healing real disease just by changing their lifestyles. And it's possible in the spiritual world and the, you know, non tangible world just as much.

Okay. So that is the podcast episode for today. I love you all. I can't wait to see you next time and don't forget to be connected for real. And yes, by the way, up. Thank you for reminding me. I love it that there is a way to put in comments by the listeners.  If you have a question and you want to send in your question, feel free to send me a question. 

Advice at connected for real. com. That is my email and you should let me know what is on your mind and what you want me to address next. I love you and don't forget to be connected for real. Bye.