118. I Want My Husband to Be Happy

Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started. 

And we are live.  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, and today I am in a solo episode. I'm just going to brain dump what's going on in my head because there's a lot of these questions coming in all at once from my clients, from potential clients, from you, the listeners, and I want to address this really important point.

 I want my husband to be happy.  And we all want our husbands to be happy. That's what we're here, right? A wife wants her husband to be happy and to thrive and to have a good life. And so we're going to be talking about that today. I want him to be happy. And let me break it to you just for a second.

I'm gonna be really honest right now Some people are happy Being unhappy,  you know those people like they're happy being miserable or they're happy feeling bad and it's not because There's something wrong with them, but because happiness comes in all shapes and sizes and happiness is a different definition for each person So it's not just this thing you can get from the one size shop and be like happy, right?

It's like what makes you happy? Everybody has different things that makes us happy We're so unique and we're gonna go back to that because we're unique let alone they're unique, right? So every single human is unique and your husband is no different. He is unique. And what makes him happy is not necessarily what makes you happy or what you expect to make most men happy. 

Now, the other thing is that A lot of times, protective mechanism comes into play, and all sorts of different layering that we put on ourselves, you know, armor sometimes,  we can call it that that almost like  Makes us comfortable with the unhappiness because it's comfortable because we know it because it's known it's predictable.

It's something that I know how to deal with. And a lot of people can fall into that and You know, husbands fall into it just as much because they're human. So let's talk about that a little bit. I'm going to give you some examples that were coming in. Okay. So here's one, he's becoming so weak. I wish he would get his act together, exercise, eat right.

He's always out of energy. He comes home and just collapses on the couch. And I hate it because I know he can feel differently. Right, so here she's actually really concerned and she wants to help him and she doesn't know how because everything she has told him until this point hasn't worked, okay? So, how do we deal with that?

Another one is he's so overweight. He's holding himself back. I wish he would start to enjoy life intentionally eat the right foods and actually enjoy them Enjoy his walks and be present and proactive and do the things that matter to him, right? So the overweight is just a symptom of how down he feels about himself and about You know almost like there's no point and she sees that and she wants to help him get out of that  Another one is, he's so negative.

This one is a big one. So common, so common, and I talk about this one also in my own journey. He's so negative, he's so critical, all he sees is lack and black and ugly and  the missed dish and the overlooked chore and all the things that are wrong. I wish he would just be positive and work on his mindset.

Right? How many people have said that? I'm raising my hand right now in case you don't see it because you're just listening. Whoa, that one is such a common one because criticism is real and this is just how we are, you know, we're different. And here's another example. He's always sick.

 It's so limiting to him. He's always,  taking medicine and trying to feel better, but it slows him down and he's all stressed. And I just want him to feel better and drink more water and go outside and stop taking medication because it's not good for him. Right? Like these are real concerns.

We really want the best for our husbands. The last example that came in very recently and is really a big one. And I don't want to skip any of these because they're so real. They're so. Real. He's so anxious. He worries about everything. He lets it get to him. It makes him paralyzed from taking action.

It bugs me that he doesn't let himself live. Right. And it's so tangible. His anxiety is so tangible and the little things that he does in the big things that he makes decisions about. And in the fact that he just can't get over himself,  guys,  This is a big issue, right? And all these are different examples of husbands who are just not happy, right?

We're looking from the outside being like, I just want you to be happy.  And honestly, I'm sure every single one of you has tried something to help her husband, right? This is not the first time you're like, Oh, I just noticed he's unhappy. This is something that keeps going and is just getting to a point where it's part of the dance.

It's part of the story. It's part of his being. And, and it's concerning. And that's why you come to me. Right. The marriage coach. Here I am. And I get to hear all these from a place of frustration and from a place of almost hopelessness. Like what do I do next? So here's some breaking news for you. 

Why do you want him happy? Because  you want to be happy, right? We want him happy so we can be happy and we can't be happy if he's not happy.  Congratulations. We have just become dependent on our husbands for our happiness. And, you could be dependent on him for his happiness, right? Like, I need you to be happy for me to be happy.

That's totally me, by the way. And there's the other one of, I need him to make me happy. I need him to figure out what makes me happy and just do the things that make me happy. Both of those are a dependency that is not. going to be your friend, right? It's not serving you. I'm not going to start calling it names and giving it titles.

I'm just going to tell you straight out it's not serving you. And here's what happened. God created the world with each one of us has the key to happiness, of our own selves, right? We have the key to our own happiness. And at some point, we are conditioned, we are socialized, we are, you know, go through things in our life where we think that if we give away our key, then someone else will fill that happiness for us.

And we don't have to do it ourselves, which is very easy and very fun, but isn't actually going to work. Right? Okay,  so we end up falling into this loop of I need you to be happy. I need you to make me feel loved. I need you to make me feel secure and stable and free and whatever other things we need from our husbands.

If you have heard my marriage breakthrough retreat, there is a story of me and how I had to actually do it. Detach myself Physically I mean it wasn't physical it was in my mind, but it was very real. It was imaginary It was a meditation where I actually detached myself from my husband and having him Be the source of my happiness the source of my stability the source of my freedom the source of my security all of that Okay, because as as long as we are dependent on him for our happiness, we are going to be dependent, right?

Not so fun, not so fun. Because at the end of the day, you want to be free and in control and excited about your own happiness, right? So how do you get out of the loop? How do you get out of the loop? Well, let's talk about the loop first. What is the loop?  Well, here's, here's how it works. Husbands, men, are programmed to want to make you happy, right?

They have their wife, the lady who they're, impressing and getting to be theirs. And their job is to make you happy. So in the beginning it's very easy because you laugh at all their jokes and you get all their stuff and it's very cute and funny and and it's wonderful.  So as long as they're making you happy they feel successful.

Right? Because that is the way that they measure their success is by how happy you are. So what happens when you're not happy? They feel like a failure. And it doesn't matter how successful they are on the outside. They could own all the buildings in the world. They can be the most important people in the world.

They can have, you know, people bowing down to them for all we care. They do not care about anything else but their wife and how happy she is. Okay, so the way that they measure their success is by how happy you are. And if you're unhappy, you're unhappy with yourself, you're unhappy with them, you're unhappy with life, it doesn't matter about what you're unhappy about.

They feel you. The blow they feel like a loser. They do not feel successful at all If anything, they feel like a failure and the more failures a man gets hit with right like we know that they don't like Being hit in the ego by our failures by their failures. The more failure hits them the more they feel like there's no point and then they stop trying. 

Now, let me just tell you, when you're unhappy and you are dependent on them for your happiness, a lot of times, it doesn't matter what they do for you to be happy because at the end of the day, it's like a bottomless pit. You're just so needy and there's no, you know, Nothing that's going to be good enough.

And so it's really a setup for failure and we don't want to be that honest with ourselves. He's like, oh, no, it's not like that but in reality, this is how it is and this is how it works and so We want to be happy so they need to make us happy for us to be happy They need to be happy, you know They need to be a perfect person and not be sick and not be unstable and not be anxious and not be  worried not do any of the things and like stay in shape and Do all the things, right?

Cause I need you to be happy. It's not really unconditional love, cause I need you to be happy for me, not for yourself. It's a little, a little convoluted there, but let's just put that aside for a minute. You know, for the most part we're just needy, right? And so we're in a loop, because we're not happy, they're not happy, we're not happy, they're not happy.

The fact that they're not happy makes us unhappy. The fact that we're unhappy makes them unhappy. And on and on we go. Do you see the loop? Okay, so now we're in a loop, how do we get out? How do we break the loop?  That's the biggest question. The million dollar question, how do we break the loop? And the answer is, How Be happy! 

That's amazing! The answer's so clear! Be happy! You want him to be happy, you be happy. You want him to exercise, you go exercise. By the way, exercise, automatic mood booster. You're gonna be happy in no time. You want him to come alive, you come alive. You want him to get help, you get help.  Right? No, but he needs the help more. My friend. This is how it works. This is where we fall. We think they need to do it first,  right? It's like, there's a problem. We're in a loop. Come on, do something about it. But no, no, no. You want to be happy. You're the one who cares about this. So you're the one who's going to do something about it.

And so you be the first to take action. What you're doing is not only are you helping yourself. Be happy by taking responsibility, by taking your control back, by taking the key to your own happiness back and reclaiming it. But also you're breaking the loop for him because if you really want your husband to be happy, the first thing you need to do is be happy. 

And it's hard stuff. I'm being really, really real right now.  Okay. So become happy. It'll make you successful and make him successful. It is so powerful. And in my story, you guys know, this is what happened. I told my husband, you know what? I see you're so stuck. I see you have so much to give. I see that you're so amazing.

Why don't you just open up a YouTube channel, start a podcast, start giving classes. Like really, you have so much to give. And my husband's Looks at me like what do you want from me? You know, like I said, I know I know what's good for you, right?  And then I said, you know what never mind i'm gonna do all those things because apparently i'm giving myself the Prescription of what I need in order to be happy, right?

So I opened up a podcast. I opened up a youtube channel I started giving classes I leaned into my own happiness and the things that make me come alive. Now, guess what happened? That's not the things that make him come alive. What made him come alive is actually writing his book and publishing and completely blowing out of, you know, out of the park.

So, that's really the most important and powerful. God created a mirror effect, okay? You walk into the house, you saw a mirror, you see yourself in the mirror, and there is a stain on your shirt. What do you do? Woo automatically  go to the mirror, clean the mirror, wipe the mirror, scrub the mirror.  The spot's not going away.

You know why? Because it's not on the mirror. The mirror is just showing it to you. That is exactly what is happening in life. Okay? You have people around you. Usually your husband is that mirror that actually is enlarging and shows you every single pore and every single wrinkle. And it. shows you what is something that you have to work for yourself.

So  the mirror of effect is a wonderful thing because we can't see it on ourselves, but we could see it on others. So if you're sitting around going, I want my husband to be happy.  I want my husband to start exercising. I want my husband to drink more water. I want my husband to be more present. I want my husband to come alive.

I want my husband to whatever, fill in the blank. And for me to be happy, I need him to  fill in the blank, right? That is God's gift to you so that you can open up your eyes and see the mirror effect. Okay? So it is exactly what you want and exactly what you need to do in order to get there. Now, Byron Katie has this one great question and the work by Byron Katie, right?

This is a six statements or six questions that you fill in the blanks. And one of her questions is one of my favorite questions, and it's for you to be happy. What do you need him to think, say, feel, or do? Okay? And you basically say, I need him to,  and then you think of the four things. I need him to think, this.

I need him to say this. I need him to feel this. I need him to do this for me to be happy. And then you realize, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That was a trick question because if I need him to do, say, feel, or think these things, that means that I'm dependent on him for my happiness.  So what I actually wrote down is a prescription, a prescription of my own happiness. 

If I want to be happy, I'm going to take what I think about other people and what I think they need to do and think and say and feel and all the stuff, and I'm going to start implementing it into my own life and taking action onto my own  reality, right?  And not only is that going to be the prescription for you to be happy, it's also going to be the roadmap to help you and your husband rise above that low feeling and really get out of the loop.

Because as soon as you break the loop, you're changing the dance, you're able to free him from being in the loop. Okay, so there's like a an amazing Magical side effect that happens from you breaking a loop and a lot of us are like we can't control other people of course We can't but what we can do is we can free them from having to be in the loop allowing them to now go into a new reality or a new fork in the road where they can choose a new mode of action.

So this is a great way for you to make your husband happy is by freeing him from having to be in the loop. Okay.  Now you're going to tell me, ouch,  this doesn't feel nice. I actually have to take responsibility, I have to do something. I have to take action.  I don't know where to start, you know, and I want you to notice it.

that what we were expecting our husbands to do  is something that we ourselves are intimidated by. Isn't that humbling?  You know, sometimes we're like, Oh,  so when I was telling my husband, Oh, just start a YouTube channel. Oh, just start a podcast. Just start giving classes online. Just lean into this thing that is extremely gigantic and overwhelming, and you don't really know where to start.

I was so intimidated by all the things that had to go into opening up a channel, and starting a podcast, and knowing what to say, and oh my gosh, all the stuff, right? And so, I realized suddenly, I was expecting him to do all that? For me to be happy, and see him shine, and see him thrive, and see him come alive, and I was expecting him to do a lot of work that I myself didn't know where to start.

And when I started, I realized how difficult it was for me to expect that from him, especially when he was feeling low, especially when he was feeling down, right? So here we are,  like almost creating impossible to do lists for our husbands, just giving them more feeling of failure because I told you what to do and you still didn't do it. 

Huh.  Take a deep breath for a minute. Allow that to just wash over you. It's extremely humbling. 

And if you want to  take that first step and you don't know what the first step is, there's actually a great freebie I have that you can download. It's called The Guide to Unravel Overwhelm. And in that guide, I give you the four steps to actually getting there. That one little thing, I call it the marble, that when you start to roll it and when you start to give it momentum, it hits the first domino and that hits the second domino and it creates the domino effect.

And you can actually redesign your entire life by this one thing. action. And it's pretty powerful. And it's so powerful that it changed my life. And it's so powerful that I give it to you for free because I think it's that important for you to unravel your overwhelm and to actually do it. Get yourself into action that is going to stick.

Okay, so I talk about what to do  How to choose what to do and then also how to let it stick and you know how to start so Go get that  it's at connectedforreal. com slash guide. Okay?  connected for real. All one word, no numbers, okay? So it's not 4 it's F O R, okay?

connectedforreal.com/guide. And you're going to be able to Download that for free. It's my gift to you and definitely tell me how it works for you because it has changed so many people's lives. Okay, so let's just bring this back down to  the easiest thing would be to judge, to get frustrated with him, to expect him to be first to take action, then to blame, shame, push down even further and be stuck in that loop.

Our brain likes to do things easy.  Our brain is a little lazy. It likes to just cut corners and find the easiest way. Easy is not necessarily what's going to get us to where we want to go. Okay. But this is one option and you are free to choose this option if you ever want to. The next option is hard, but worth it.

It's to be compassionate and humble and understanding and loving and caring. And may I even say unconditional love. Right? I don't need you to be happy for me to love you. I don't need you to be healthy for me to love you. I don't need you to be stable or aligned or, you know, calm for me to love you. It's very hard, very hard unconditional love because suddenly it's like, ooh, can I even say that?

Then let alone feel that?  So hard, but Then, we  unattach ourselves from those things and free him to be happy, healthy, stable and aligned.  And it's just, again,  the beautiful side effect of  what we're doing here. Okay. Also hard, but totally worth it is being brave, taking the first action, taking responsibility for your own happiness and wanting something better.

And here's the danger. Protecting yourself by projecting onto the future,  what you already saw in the past.  This is a protective mechanism, okay?  He's always sick, so he's always going to be sick. He's always negative, so he's always going to be negative.  He's always tired. So he'll always be tired and so on and so forth.

So  There's no hope there. There's not motivation to do anything or take any action Towards any change because your brain doesn't even believe it's possible.  You're like, what's the point? Right? And this is where we fall into danger, because it's so easy to think this way. We already know what is, and we are right here right now, and all we see is this.

So it must be this is what it is going to be, forever.  And I call this infinity pain. Because you're in the pain now, and you think it's going to last forever. And so,  why bother?  So I'm here to tell you,  and let you know that it's possible. It's possible for you to be happy.  It's possible for you to break the loops.

It's possible for you to change the dance. It's possible for you to create a different reality. And I'm here to support you through it. That's why I'm doing this show. That's why I do the work that I do because my clients.  get the results by breaking the loops, by changing the dance, by becoming intentional, by doing all the things to really live a conscious life and create a new reality.

And as we said, you know, you can't go into this by saying, Oh, I'm going to get a coach so I can make my husband happy. It doesn't work like that. I wanted to take responsibility for my happiness. The side effect to that and the magic that will come along with it is going to be. the happy husband. Okay. So you can't control him, but you can definitely allow him to join in on the fun.

 And I always love to see that the joining is really powerful. Okay. So here's where I invite you to come and work with me. to come and sign up for a discovery call. It's free. You are going to get a full 60 minute conversation where I get all of the information that's specific to you and your unique challenges.

And then we really create a plan based on that and put together a roadmap where I'm going to walk you through how to get to your destination. And I love it. I love it because I get to see you. Where you start, and where you end, and I get to mirror that back to you, and I get to hold your hand throughout the whole process, and I am so  in the trenches with you.

And, you know, a lot of people tell me, just do some like, recorded thing, and throw it into the ethernet, and like, you know, just let it sell itself, and I'm like, I can't, I need to really be there. I need to hold you, and feel you, and help you, because I like that type of support. I love it when my coaches are there in the trenches with me and where I can ask for coaching You know when I need it and I can really get the support I need when I need it So i'm offering that to you So if you want more information about this go to connected for real.

com slash coaching You're going to be able to see all the information there. And also you're going to be able to schedule a free deep dive discovery call. And I highly recommend you do that and I look forward to meeting you there. So have a great day and I love you. I'm proud of you and I believe in you.

You can totally recreate a new reality for yourself. And I never want you to forget that because you are connected for real. And when you're connected for real, God. is the one that is sending all of that abundance and recreating  the world every single second. So you get to tap into that when you're connected for real and really change the world.

 Thank you so much for listening and don't forget to be connected for real. I'll see you next time.

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Can you share it with them?  I am Rebbetzin Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.