123. How to Transform Your Story For Improved Communication in Marriage

 Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started. 

 And we are live.  Welcome everyone to the connected for real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, marriage coach for women in business. And today we are talking about communication and marriage.  It's such a great topic and who better to have to talk about this than Mara Eller. Mara, introduce yourself. 

Hi everyone. I'm Mara Eller. I'm in the United States. I'm a writer, teacher, and editor. I'm passionate about using words to connect with ourselves, to connect with each other, and to connect with God in more powerful ways that, you know, bring us more fully into the lives that we are called to live. 

That's awesome.  Okay, Mara and I are together in a mastermind, and I think that gives you a really fun behind the scenes of people's businesses and personalities. And one of the things that I love about you and why I wanted to bring you on is your ability to polish a story and really pick up all of the nuggets along the way, you know, really the process of writing.

And I want to hear more about that. And especially how it affects marriage  yeah, well, you know, in thinking about, you know, we've had some conversations in our mastermind and, you know, through that channel, but in thinking about what I really wanted to share with your audience  in regards to marriage specifically, like we will touch on some writing and how that can be a tool, but.

The big idea that I wanted to talk about is  the idea that our reality is formed by the stories we believe and all the ways that that impacts ourselves and our relationships with others. including especially our spouses, right? So I actually have a couple of quotes that I include, well, I pulled, I pulled some of this material,  these, these quotes from a writing class that I offer called Unearthing Beauty, where I walk students through a process to dig into their memories to really unpack the stories that they believe about themselves and who they are, that color everything that they believe, and of course,  All of us have these and do this.

So I wanted to share a couple of quotes and then just like a framework  if this is a new concept, you know, if like, what, what am I talking about here? Does that sound good? Yeah, it sounds amazing. I'm excited about it. I totally agree. By the way, we're all swimming in our stories. That's how I learned it  when I was introduced to it, but it was like, get out of the pool and just look at the story from outside. So you're not in it. And that that's something that really helps me re focus and realign. So let's hear  your framework. I'm so excited about this. Well, I love that metaphor you mentioned too of like swimming in our stories kind of makes me think of like there's some  little like Fable type things like the fish is like I'm looking for the ocean Where's the ocean and it's like you're in it, but you can't see it.

Right? So a huge part of what I try to help people do is  learn to see their stories and that's where all the change begins. I mean, sometimes just seeing it  is all you need. So  love that. All right. So author Grant Morrison writes, we live in the stories we tell ourselves. In other words, and that's the end of the quote, we create our own worlds through our interpretations of what happens to us. 

Life advisor Susannah Galland says something similar. She says, Every one of us has a specific, unique story that we tell ourselves about ourselves. This is our go to story. Our individual, internal self narrative defines our entire world. Our stories shape the context in which we view what happens to us.

Most important, they drive our behavior in any given situation.  As she continues, because these stories lie in the unconscious part of our brains, none of us really knows what our entire go to story is. We might realize a sentence here or a paragraph there, but all in all, we're basically blind to it.  Yes, we're so blindsided to our own story.

And sometimes, most times I find that that's why you need a coach. That's why you need somebody to, help you reflect it back to you. Because then you can have  a new pair of eyes looking at the situation going, Oh, I see where the problem is. Or I see where you know, we're getting caught up.  And it could be something so simple to fix, but we just don't see it.

It can be totally eye opening once we start to see it. So I wanted to share one example for my life in case that helps bring it down into  concrete reality for anyone listening or watching.  But I'll just add one thing that these stories that we believe about ourselves can be. 

 Good stories or negative stories. And, you know, usually every story has a mixture. Right. But  when I say good or bad, it's more like true or untrue.  And so,  you know, that truth is going to be grounded in  who we know we are, like who God tells us that we are and who you know, who we're called to be.

But a lot of times our stories can be out of alignment with that, but we don't even realize it. So. I'm going to share one that's out of alignment because those are the, I mean, just the world we live in, right? A lot of our stories end up getting pretty twisted and it's by recognizing that and then thinking about how we might be able to reframe that story that we can really grow and transform, which then of course affects our relationships too. 

So a story that I came to believe about myself  early on was that  all the stories start with  Facts might like there are experiences that happen to us and and those are just facts  The story comes when we create meaning based on those facts. So facts that happen to me friends Abandoned me without explanation this happened like multiple times So, that led me to believe that I'm the kind of person who makes people want to leave. 

In my story, then, the story that I was living, or lived for most of my life, people randomly decide, like, this is the kind of story where people randomly decide they don't like me anymore and abandon me. So, that influences my behavior. I then live alone.  Looking for signs that someone might be  about to abandon me. 

And so I interpret things through that lens and I need continual validation  to relieve my anxiety that this is about to happen again. So that made me very sensitive to criticism. Of course, I still am these things, right? Even it's gotten a lot better being able to recognize this and name it, but. You know, it doesn't magically just go away.

So, you know, it makes me very sensitive to criticism and I tend to internalize any negative emotions that I pick up in the people that I love. And I'm a pretty  sensitive person that way that I pick up on a lot of emotions. So anytime my husband  is in a bad mood, I'm like  subconsciously,  not consciously.

Right. But I'm like, is he mad at me? Is it about me? And I don't even have a real, like, we have a very. Strong connection and grounded marriage that I really am not concerned that he's going to leave me in any kind of logical sort of conscious way, but this still affects me emotionally.  So how does this relate to communication? 

When we're talking with our spouse, we are, or anyone, we're always talking from a particular narrative about the way the world  It's like dialogue in a novel or a movie.  And so if we don't know what that movie is or what that novel is,  you know, both our own story and the story that our husband is living in,  then we cannot accurately interpret what's going on. 

And we've probably all been in those situations, right? Where you're like, You know, this is what happened and your husband's like, no, this is what happened. And you're like, are we on a different planet? Like I was there,  right? And you know, sometimes our memories, well, memory is pretty, pretty fickle, but  a lot of the time what's happening is that it's the interpretation that is not matching up. 

Right.  Oh, my gosh. So I have a friend, Hannah Mason, who wrote a book and she calls this the ATM machine in your mind. And it basically stands for, and that means, so you see something, you know, there's a fact on the ground, whatever, something happens. And that means he doesn't love me. And that means that he's, you know, falling into his loops again.

And that means that he's going to leave me. Right. And so the meaning that you give to it is the beginning of the story that you swim in,  right? And I love that you brought that up because it is so powerful to just be aware of that ATM machine in your head and be like, okay, the ATM machine is out of order today.

I'm just going to look at it in a neutral way. He just said he doesn't want beans or whatever, right? Like he's just Stating a fact and it has nothing to do with anything. Like it does not mean anything. And suddenly it's like, Oh, okay.  Yeah.  So   sometimes I struggle with, Oh, it doesn't mean anything. 

What can help me if I'm struggling with that is like, well, what else could it mean, like, what are the other possibilities? And so that invites.  into a posture of curiosity,  which is so different from  a posture of like, anger and blame that,  at least speaking for myself, is very easy to go into, right? You know, like, What did you say?

Like he wanted beans or something and it was like, Oh, I should have got, he thinks that I should have, you know, like all this like defensiveness that then will come out as anger. Well, it's like, well, what are the other possibilities here? And we can consider with our imaginations, what they might be, or we could ask questions. 

Right? And so it's really asking questions, either in our own minds or out loud of.  that then we start to become aware of these stories.  And you're like, I also love neuroscience stuff. And you  can't be curious and angry at the same time. Like they're just completely different parts of the brain. I mean, there could be some overlap as your brain is shifting, right? 

But it short circuits anger when you start asking questions. And that's also the basis of Of nonviolent communication, which is something I'm just learning a little bit more about. There's someone else in our mastermind who just started a podcast called love each other better. And I just listened to her first episode and it was so on point for this conversation that it's like all about  cultivating curiosity and really listening to each other and seeking connection and understanding over blame and anger. 

Yes. You know,  blame, shame, anger, all those things are low consciousness. And we're talking about high consciousness. It's like, get out of the mud  and start to see things differently because, Oh, if you're not in the mud anymore, then suddenly you could see better. You can, you know, breathe better. You can start to fly.

You know, there's like different things that you can do outside of the mud and. You can't be in both places at the same time. You can't be low consciousness and high consciousness at the same time. And something that's, you know, extremely fascinating for me also. Yeah, I love, I love that you're saying, you know, also, can you imagine having this conversation, like you're in the middle of a fight and he says something, you're like, one second, I need to pause you right there.

What do you mean by that? You know, what does that mean? Yeah. You know, and it's like, what do you mean? What do I mean? Of course, you know what I mean, you know, Like no, I really want to understand and it changes  the whole fight because now it's suddenly like it's annoying It's annoying that you're stopping me in the middle of  the loop You know,  you're breaking the cycle of something that we're so used to doing. 

There's a dance we fall into when the two stories sort of  hit each other, right? So it's like, I have the dance and he has the dance, and then we dance together, and suddenly you like change a move and everybody just, you know, Looks at each other like, huh, what just happened?  And that's a great, great thing to do because you can just open up for new, new experiences, new energy, new newness.

Yeah.  Yeah. Getting out of those  scripts that have become  so comfortable, but are not what we really want and  our brains. Are wired to just do what's familiar. So it can be tricky to figure out how to get out of that, especially when your emotions are involved and you're going into fight or flight. 

So it can be helpful to find. Like a word or phrase that, you know, you can use. And then if your husband is also on board with this kind of work to some degree, then you can talk about it together. But  something about, you know, help me under like, I really want to understand.  What's going on for you or if what's going on seems hostile, you know, find your own word.

But it's going to require  a lot of listening, which can be hard.  But if you can, again, get curious about like, I wonder what the story might be underneath here. This is so interesting.  And then it gives you a little bit of emotional distance. I want to say something about what you said before the stories, you know, positive or negative.

True or false,  something we have to realize is that the stories are here to protect us.  Your brain builds the story in order to protect you. Like you gave a great example of people abandoning you. And of course your brain came up with that story because it saw a pattern. and it needed to protect.  So anytime I feel like it's coming, I need to brace myself.

I need to be ready. I need to be, you know, more proactive about taking charge and, you know, being the first one to leave the, conversation or whatever. So your brain is doing the best that it can in order to protect you with the information it has. The question is, what if the facts on the ground have actually changed and your brain is still working with very old programming and that's really when we get into some really big trouble because you're projecting a story onto a situation that isn't even  appropriate anymore.

Like it's not even talking about the same things, but you,  your brain is just doing its job. So I think it's really important to just validate that the stories aren't, You know, Oh, you're just believing in story or like you're swimming in your story and it's, you know, it's your fault that you feel so like a victim all the time or whatever, right?

Like it's so easy to judge  ourselves and other people for the stories they're living, but we have to realize that we're not going to give up on the story. We're not going to let go of that hold until we see what it was actually here to do for me and then be willing to say, Oh, it's not doing that anymore.

You know, the benefit is gone and I can let go. I'm like, that's something that's so powerful.  That is such an important point. I'm really glad you brought it up because  like it hadn't kind of come to me in this, in this setting yet, but that that's definitely part of what we do in my writing class, where we  start with like,  What?

Well, I, I try to help people see their stories by looking at individual formative events and then asking, okay, so what happened?  How did that affect my life? And then how did I feel about that? And then the next step is.  What needs did those feelings reveal?  And like, this is  a really basic concept that so many of us do not know.

And I didn't know it for a long time either, but  feelings are there to tell us what we need. Bad feelings tell us when our needs are not being met and positive feelings tell us when our needs are being met. So  it's a really important step to think, okay, I felt this way now. Like, what does that show me about my needs? 

And then by looking at those needs, I feel like that's a really good path to that self compassion where you think, Oh,  I had some valid, important needs and  then the next step after that is how did I try to get those needs met?  And then you start to see, Oh,  I created this story to try to meet those needs, and some of the things I tried maybe were good, and some of the things ultimately were not helpful,  but they were there to try to help me. And then you can look at, are those needs getting met now?  How, how are the circumstances surrounding those still valid needs different?

And, my old strategies. Be actually holding me back instead of moving me forward.  Hmm.  Wow.  Who? Yeah. . I mean, there's, it's like a process. And that's where I think that level of complexity  is definitely gonna need a guide, you know, whether it's in coaching or counseling or  through writing.

And writing is a wonderful way to  get a little bit of like narrative distance for ourselves so we can. Often do a little bit more of that deep processing on our own through writing. Or of course, my favorite way is through writing with a guide, which would be what I do in the course.  That's a great goal, but I think there's also a lot of things that you can do without going quite that deep and getting quite that far. 

Yeah, in my training for journaling, one of the things I say is that when I am thinking through something in my head, my brain will, you know, sort of pause mid sentence and realize where this is going and then be like, eh, let's distract you and put you over here instead, or, you know, let's sort of take a tangent over there and just not finish that sentence.

But when I'm writing It forces me to finish the sentence and I can fully see what's going on behind the scenes. And sometimes it's the most  deep, intense, Beautiful things that come out when I'm allowing myself to be like, this is what I really want, or, you know, this is what this means to me. And then I suddenly see like, you know, this really means a lot to me, you know, and, and I'm not upset for no reason, you know, or , there's something there.

And so writing is really powerful in that way that it forces me to Like you said, take a little distance, but also finish the sentence, you know?  Especially for those of us who are easily distracted.  I would be on that list for sure.  Yes.  Well, you know, your brain is doing its brain job, right? So if it can protect you from feeling uncomfortable, it will.

Because discomfort is, it's like, you know, your brain's enemy. Like, I don't want to be uncomfortable. I'd rather be nice and cozy. Even if comfort zone is not actually comfortable, we tend to go for that because 

Yeah,  so I think, it's important to recognize  that discomfort  and then intentionally  take a different tack, like in our conversations, because  healthy communication, what we want in our marriages is really about connection.  But so many times  we can think that communication is about information. 

And really that's so much less important, right? Oh, okay. One second. Pause that. That was  mic drop.  Most of us are communicating for connection,  but we think it's for information. That is so powerful. That's, that's, wow. Okay, thank you. Keep going. Go on. Sorry.  So,  so yeah, like, , the information, the facts can be really distracting to our true goal that we  often you just completely forget about, which is connection. 

So, you know, whenever that starts to happen, if we can notice it enough, then we can, you know, pause and pivot and ask questions of our spouse and, you know, also hopefully ourselves to try to really get to that story that's underneath. The specifics of whatever we're arguing about, or, talking about,  you know,  it's really interesting because my husband's very much like, you know, straight square, he just wants the information and I am very much of a connector. 

So I'll be telling a story and he's like, he needs to know  what the fact is, or he like stops me mid sentence to like fix the grammar or something. I'm like, it really doesn't matter. Just listen to the point, you know? And so it's such an important thing to realize. Sometimes it really doesn't matter.

Like the words themselves are not as important as what's happening underneath the, you know, underneath the ground. Like, why are you telling me the story is sometimes more important than the story itself. And, you know, I want to give everybody who's listening  a tip that I had to really internalize,  verbalize your goal when telling the story beforehand.

So it's like, listen, I have to tell you what happened, but it's not about what happened. It's about how I felt and what, you know, So let me just tell you the background information so you have  enough details that, that I can then talk about how I felt and what happened next. So my husband now is ready for a different type of conversation because he's been told what's coming.

And it's easier because now I'm not going to be stopped, for details or for, you know, major whatever's  I can just keep going through the story, cut and, you know, cut to the chase of what I really want to talk about, and then get into the emotional need or whatever that I needed to tell the story for. 

I think that's really important. So communicate before you communicate is a very cool skill. 

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  Yeah. I mean, that makes me think of the classic, you know, when you're sharing a problem and then your husband just tries to fix it and you're like, No, I don't want you to fix it. So my husband has learned now, he's like, do you want advice or you don't want advice right now?

Yeah, this is one of the classic men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Like, you know, men just want to fix it. And women don't want it to be fixed. They just want it to be heard. And so, yeah, my husband will do the same thing. Like, is this a men, women thing? Like, do you actually want me to tell you what to do or do you just want to complain about it? 

Yeah. So  one of the phrases that I really like that can also help if we're starting to feel ourselves  getting upset or getting emotional then we can, I love this from Brené Brown. If. I don't know if you know her, but she has a lot of great stuff and  she tells people to say the story I'm telling myself about this is,  and so you can just say it in your mind and then figure out what, how you would finish that sentence, but finish the sentence,  or you can actually say it out loud, which is even more helpful because then the other person can hear.

Oh, this is their story. And you're hearing, Oh, this is my story. And then they can say, Oh, well, well, this was my story. And there's,  I mean, just that one tool can be so powerful. Like in my marriage, trying to remember the specifics, but  there was a time recently where I was like,  I was trying to compliment my husband and he heard it as a criticism. 

And so it was like, I mean, it's not that exact phrase but I had to tell him, this is the kind of story that I'm trying to communicate right now. Like, this is a story about me complimenting you. And he was like, Oh, what? Okay. Say it again. And he had to hear it over again through this different lens  because his story was completely opposite to mine. 

I love that. I love that being able to just talk about what's going on behind the scenes and the lens that you're seeing things through is really helpful. And and of course I also wanted to say  information is important, like in marriages, you know, sometimes I feel like the bulk of our interaction is like, Management, you know, it's like we're on the same team and we have a goal, which is like feed the children, get the children, you know, or like whatever it is that we're trying to  accomplish together and our communication is very.

 Practical and it needs to be efficient,  you know,  so it's not to say that information doesn't matter. The information matters, but you know, what matters more is.  Your relationship, that connection. So  whenever, whenever you start to feel that aspect getting sort of off kilter, I think that's a good time to come back to, okay,  I was focusing on information or he was focusing on information,  but what really matters is connection.

How can we shift our communication back towards that emphasis? I  actually have another thing about that. Another layer to that whole thing of like, it's not actually information versus connection.  Connection will lead to better information.  So good. So  paradoxically, stories can be more accurate than facts, which can be hard to wrap our minds around.

But  so much of the conflict in our marriage can arise from the disconnect between our interpretations. of the same exact facts. And we naturally assume that our interpretation is the only one is  the correct one, but it's so isn't right. Our interpretation of the facts is a hundred percent based on that story that we're living inside.

So if we can figure out those stories, Then we can understand the interpretive lens that we're each using  and we'll actually have better information.  Yes, I love it. That is so amazing. And it's so true. It's so true. And I was just in a leadership conference for women,  a woman's, you know, a global women's leadership conference.

And  one of the things that they were saying. That when you have women at the table, they first connect  and then they could talk about the facts  and they solve problems more easily. And there's, you know, conflict resolution that is just More in flow because they've created a connection, you know, they're able to start the conversation with , let's first get to know each other.

Let's see  what's our goal and whatever. And then it's so easy, you know, but when you don't have women in the room and all the men are just like, Looking at information and thinking is very easy. We just need to make the information work out. It doesn't always work out.

Right? Because they're not really getting that other perspective.  So getting to like,  yeah, like getting to the root of things. Right. And you know, if, if the, I don't know, underlying stuff is, is matching up, then you're fine to just talk about the surface details, but if there's anything off with those underlying stories and needs and motivations, and you don't get to that, then  all of those surface detail information stuff.

Things are, like, not going to  Move you forward in meaningful ways, and you're still going to have conflict.  So if you can see those stories and , understand the other person's lens, then conflict can almost just dry up. Like it's that powerful  in my experience. It's so true. Somebody just asked me, why are you so confident that what you're telling me to do is going to work?

You know, one of my clients,  are you just like a profit or do you just have a lot of experience? And I said,  I think it's just my superpower, you know, like the ability to see past  your story because I'm not in it,  so I can help you very easily because. I'm seeing something you're not. 

And it's extremely powerful. It's like, it was really fun how she asked it. She's like, why are you so confident?  Like,  it made me double take, you know, like, who said I'm confident? But yeah, have you been in here? Because that is not my experience.  And I want to go back to the story thing. Because a lot of times what's happening is we're swimming in our own story.

Our husband is swimming in his story. We're so comfortable with our story because we've been believing this story for 20, 30, 40 years. And, and we're not really moving out of the story because it's, it's our identity.

It is so strange to then have to think, Oh, I can let go of the story or I can change the story. Or, you know, the fear is bigger than any transformation. I think as soon as you can visualize, , all the doors that will open. Yeah. You know, it makes it much easier. But I think the fear is the first thing that comes in is like, what? 

You want me to give up my, the way I always saw myself, you know?  I think that can manifest as  disbelief too, or, you know, skepticism like  what are you talking about?  I can't do that. No one can do that. You know, like, what is that nonsense? But  God is a God of story. And so it shouldn't be surprising that stories have this kind of power.

And he's also a God of continual creation and recreation. And in his image, we're invited into that process. So  we really, Are all invited to be co authors of our lives  with him.  We do have the ability to change our stories. If we want to, but that doesn't make it, it doesn't make it easy. So, I want to remind everyone that the first step is just being aware of them and.

So much can change without you even trying when you become aware of something  and then 90 percent of the work.  Yeah. And then the next question is,  do you like your story? Do you like the story you're living in? And if you love it, then stay there, do it, you know, just be aware of it, try to share it with your husband and  other people, but  great stay in it.

But if you don't like it or if there are parts of it that you don't like,  then you really do have a choice. You can change it. And I think writing can be a helpful tool there. That again, the more we can understand the story that we're in, and like, see the mud that we're swimming in,  then the more we can start to see where exactly  the false parts  are, or the parts that are no longer serving us. 

Yeah. And a lot of times what I find  with my clients is that, and with myself, obviously,  is that the story will usually  pop up, you know, like remind, like, we suddenly like, remember that this is our story when we need to, you know, You know, protect. So you're like trying really hard and working so hard and doing this thing.

And then the story pops up and  sort of pulls you back down. So it will usually come to your, you know, to be your savior, right. As you're starting to fly, right, right. As you're about to get out, your story comes and reminds you like, wait,  that's not who you really are. Right. I have a great example of this when I was starting my business.

Like you're about to get hurt. So exactly. When I was starting my business, I was in a course about, it was called hold your story or hold that thought, hold that thought.  And it was, it was magnificent. And we had to find what the story is, you know, what is the belief that we were telling ourselves?  And my story was, I can't be successful because I'm not organized enough.

I'm too much of an artist. I go with the flow. I have so much fun. I'm not structured. My routines aren't perfect. That type of person, you know, and of course I'm married to a husband who is extremely routine and extremely structured and perfectly aligned in all of his like, you know, little cubes and stuff.

And so I have a lot to aspire to.  And so I'm always comparing myself and saying, no, I'm, I'm the opposite. I'm the artist. I'm the flow. I'm this, that, the other spontaneous, whatever. And when I questioned that, I'm like, first of all,  I'm successful because  I am so go with the flow and because I have so much of that artistic creativity of figuring it out That's one thing but also Who said i'm not organized and I started going through my entire life and all the things I am organized in And by the way, like if you see me now, this is part of a series Of an entire year that i'm planning ahead Because I'm having a baby.

So I actually sat myself down and got the entire year printed out and little sticky notes of every single week of what the topic is and who's the guest and all this stuff. And it's like mind blowing to think about myself now, you know, like five years later from that moment,  I'm saying like,  really, you're not organized.

 Is that really true? Right. And so I read myself. From that story by just finding evidence , for the other side, for the other stories.  Yeah, there's so much in that, like  you actually can, by naming that story about yourself that you're not organized, then you can figure out what's the story based on.

Are those facts actually accurate? Are they  really old or is it based out of comparison? You know, and then  you can also decide what you want to do about it. So it's like, okay, well, maybe I am disorganized in certain ways, or maybe I'm not as organized as, you I want to be.  All right, well, let's work on that.

And then all of a sudden that story isn't holding you back anymore. It can actually help you. And then in that process, then the story changes.  Yeah,  it's really fun too, because,  you know, for me, I compare myself a lot because that's how I find who I am as you know, I'm a very people person. So also like,  how can I be a podcaster or , have this thing.

I have nothing new to say. You know, I'm married to a guy who's constantly coming up with new things and, you know, new ideas. My sister is a content creator. Like she is just like a well of information and she comes up with all the stuff and like, who am I? I'm not teaching anything new, you know, and the thing that helped me the most as I heard a podcast, this guy said, it doesn't have to be new.

It has to be true.  And I was like,  and that gave me permission to start.  And as soon as you start, you open up the gates and all the things that you say are suddenly new to someone else. And you say them in a new way. And you Experience different things and are able to talk about them. They're all new because they're your experiences.

So  the story of, Oh, I'm not really a content creator. I'm not really a person who creates new.  It's such a false story, but it was holding me back and it was really interesting. Like that's just another example as we speaking, I think it's really fun to see , where the stories are hiding. 

Yeah.  And of course it's endless,  which is great.  Endless excitement and, and interest where we discover these new things. I think also it's not just for interest. I think God does it on purpose. You know, there is a reason why  we are called to, to do things and to grow and to become, because that's the whole point of being here, right?

So we're here to connect. We're here to light up the world. We're here to become the next version of ourselves. And so  really, this is the simplest way to do it.  Is by being able to turn on the lights on awareness, just, know what's going on. You know, it's like, what's going on behind the scenes.

What am I thinking? What am I believing? What are the stories I'm telling myself? And just, I don't, you don't have to fix it. You don't have to change it. You don't have to do anything with it. Just know it is already so much work. And then after that,  it just sort of starts to shift because. your awareness is enough to want to do something about it. 

Yeah. Your brain can start  working on it even subconsciously then  because you've given it the tools that it needs to think about things in a different way.  And I think another another sort of tool that can be helpful. And  Actually thinking about this when you're sharing that story about  someone saying, well, how can you be so confident that this is going to work?

Or, you know, and I was thinking, well, somebody might be asking, well, how can you be so confident that I can change my story or that I don't know that there are even other options for this story and  apart from  my experience doing this with people and your experience doing this with people, but is, is something like. 

 Learning about and looking for patterns  that exist in the world. And so as like a literature, you know, reader, writer, person,  I see those patterns a lot in the books I read or the movies that I watch. But you know, you can find them anywhere by observing people., but when you start looking for these stories, then you'll start noticing patterns,  and then that'll help you be able to see new possibilities.

for yourself. Like, I'm not thinking of a good example, but, you know, something where it's like,  a lot of our stories will end up blaming us for whatever's happened.  And then when we can start finding other ways. explanations then that can be really powerful.  Wow.  That's really powerful. Okay. We could talk about this all day, but our time is up.

I want to hear how people can contact you, how they can work with you. Tell me more about the Unearthing Beauty course, because that is something that just blows my mind and what you've created there. So go ahead, tell us. Yeah. Well, okay. So the unearthing beauty personal writing course if that's something that Is, piquing your interest or that you feel like  God might be calling you to, I'd love to talk to you more about it, or you can learn more on my website. And I think there's going to be a link somewhere in show notes.

But again, it's a 12 week course where I guide you through this whole process of exactly what we're talking about and also teach you a lot of  repeatable, valuable writing skills and strategies that you can then use to write about things  for the rest of your life. And I give you.

individual feedback every single week on your writing to guide you again through  the personal spiritual growth process of understanding and identifying your stories, but also through the process of growing as a writer.  If that's something that appeals to you,  you don't have to be a writer,  but some people will be aspiring writers in the course.

There's like all kinds of big range of abilities and, and goals as far as writing.  And then I also wanted to point people to a free download that I have on my site called find the heart of your story.  And  this helps you name the values that are most important to you. And then start thinking about why you're doing it.

And how you came to hold those values so dear,  why are those are your top values? And this is one way that you can start uncovering these soul stories, you know, these stories that have become really foundational to the way that you see yourself in the world. So I believe we'll have a link for that. 

And I'd love  to hear about it. If, if anyone looks it up. I also have a newsletter you can get on and post on instagram sometimes.  That's really cool. What's your instagram handle? It is at mara dot eller.  There you go. That's so cool. If you're ready on instagram, make sure you follow me at connected for real.

And I am so excited about this course, not only because there is the coaching aspect of finding your story and really questioning and looking and being curious, but also on the writing end, the polishing and the learning to get rid of, you know, extraneous distractions  that don't serve the story and learning to really make it a cohesive story that can flow.

I think that on  a level of writing, it's really fun to know that at the end there is a product, like there is an actual result that you can look at and say, Oh, You know, this is the way I want my story to sound. So there's, you know, there's a lot to talk about with  choosing to think on purpose, you know, choosing the story you want to believe and really rewriting the story and rewriting the narrative.

And sometimes  you don't have to rewrite the whole thing, you know, from scratch, sometimes you just have to get rid of some  annoying details that don't really add to the story and are just adding more stress and more negativity. So that's that's  just really powerful, in my opinion, about your course is how you have both  angles, the inner work and also the technical work, you know, and how they play.

With each other to support each other and also amplify the voice of the other. Right. So you can't do the writing without the inner work. You can't do the inner work without, really pushing it to the next level and perfecting it. So there's something really special about that. You say that so well, I need to write these, write those words down after this. 

But yeah,  you walk away with at least one polished story that you'll feel proud of. And  if you're inspired to share it, you know, that could be something to put on a blog, or to even try to publish in a magazine, or just to share with people you love, or just keep for yourself to remind you of, the truth of your story.

And your power to rewrite it.  Yeah, that's so beautiful. Thank you so much for being with us and thank you for all that you shared. This was extremely educational and inspirational and connective. And  I got so much out of it. I hope the listeners did too. I'm sure they did. Any last words before we close? 

No, just remind you that. You know, your story matters and you can do it.  Be brave, dive in and,   just watch the beauty  be revealed.  I love it. Unearth the beauty. Okay. So thank you so much for listening. Make sure you come back next week for another episode and don't forget to be connected for real.

 And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.