125. Learn How to Parent From G-d

 Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started. 

 And we are live!  Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman and today with me I have Tziporah Wayne and I am so excited. Our topic today is parenting and God. And I love love it when  I'm playing with these,  four pillars, God, marriage, business, you, and then I pick a topic, and the topic of the month is, and then it's parenting, and then it's like, who would be the guest to talk about this?

And it just feels so fun to Find all the perfect people for all the perfect topics. And so we're going to start with Tziporah introducing herself and then we're going to get right into it. Cause there's a lot to talk about and I'm super excited about it. So let's go Tziporah introduce yourself. Yay.

First of all, hi, I'm so happy to be here. I'm crazy passionate about this topic and  I'm, just thankful to be here and to be able to you know, shine my light in this way with you  I love you. I'm so excited. You guys should know Tziporah and I met so early on in my business I think you were in the first retreat or maybe the second one like one of them.

Yes Really, really early on. And then, you know, those were the days I would meet with each person who showed up and meet everybody and get to know them and then, you know, that's how I made the best friends. I love it. Yeah,  yeah, no, we connected then. I mean, that's the beauty, by the way, for people that are looking to connect with, but then it's, you know, it's beyond, I got so much out of our 10 minute, 15 minute conversation from the get go.

So yes, anytime I offer a free 15 minute consultation, grab it.  Yeah, so, so the way we met was initially who doesn't want to improve their marriage, you know, themselves and their marriage. That's initially how we connected. And then we've stayed in touch, you know, thank God. And I am many called me my happy heart coach.

So I have been working with kids most of my life. And as a result of working with kids, I've also worked with their Parents.  So I was a high school guidance counselor for nine years in public school. I am now known as Morah Tziporah in the day school and in the preschool here. So I'm very thankful. I love the kiddos.

And I love their parents. So, because we're all in the same boat together. So,  we're all in this together. No one's alone in this, even though we often feel  alone. Oh, let's talk about that. Because I think one of the biggest issues is that we think we're a special snowflake. You know, we have this explosive kid we can't deal with or we have this situation that we just can't handle and we're saying to ourselves, this is so embarrassing.

I am the only person in this universe who has this problem. It must mean something about me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right? And we're like, yo people, it's everyone's experience. We are all in this together, right? And I love it when, when you see like a kid throwing a tantrum in some store and all the mothers are looking at each other like, don't worry.

We get you. It's okay. Right? Like there's a secret code of like, you're okay. It doesn't mean anything. But when you're in that situation, you feel so alone. And that I think is what makes it so much harder because it's not the issue itself. It's what we feel about the issue. It's like  the feeling of the feeling, the meta emotion,  feeling the feeling is mortifying at times, especially in those high intense.

high stress moments and we personalize it. We're like, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with my child? Right. Right. We take it personally and forget that parenting is the great equalizer  with or without money. You know, no matter where you live, every child has various personality characteristics. Hashem, speaking of  parenting in God, that's the way God designed it. 

You know, and that our children and, and God chose Hashem chose these children for us as our, as, as far as I'm concerned, I was blessed with one, I'm an older mom. I'm blessed with one, but having worked again, I can't compare myself, but I've worked with kids so long and I'm objective also. I'm not talking, you know, my child, my child, right.

And I can help other people see  what the people, we all have our blind spots.  So we are mortified at what they are. We often can't see the blind spots and we're petrified, but what's going on, what we see in front of us.  And we forget.  That Rebetz and Miriam Feldman, one of my greatest quotes that I love,  is, and we forget this,  and Rebetz and Miriam Feldman said, 

They're not yours. Oooh.  They are a gift. They're a gift from Hashem. And it doesn't mean, That we don't get scared, that we don't get mortified, that we don't get  petrified, angry, all, all feeling the feelings, right? We are human beings, we are limited, and God is limitless. 

And we have such high expectations of ourselves because we have such high expectations for our parenting and our kids.  That is, I believe in what, in all the parents that I speak to, that is what I hear is the gap between what is happening and what we want.  Oh, this should, it's not supposed to be this way.

Right. You know, that's the most frustrating experience of all. It's like when I saw other parents and I was not a parent, I thought I was going to do it differently. And I had a plan, and I knew it would never happen to me.  And this is not my type of parenting style. And then you get into it and you're like, Oh, Oh, oh, exactly.

And I really, again, what I've worked with most parents on, and this is how it relates to the topic of how,  what I see it to be is how parenting our children relates to God parenting us,  is that  Hashem has infinite compassion and patience with us.  And it was Rabbi Yitzchak Meistelman who I interviewed on my Raising a Mensch Masterclass series.

where Jewish parents have joined. I was a guest on that by the way, you guys were, thank you. Thank you. Yes, you were. He said, Hashem gives us space  to make mistakes.  Like we don't, you know, God forbid get struck down by lightning when we make a mistake.  Can we give our children that same space when they're imperfect? 

Hashem gives us  infinite forgiveness  Infinite compassion and yet we expect more from ourselves  than Hashem expects from us. Are we expected and intended to grow and learn and change through parenting? Yes, but can we be patient with ourselves  through the process? Can we not beat ourselves up internally and then externally? 

Right? Because if we're frustrated with ourselves, how does that come out?  Right? Oh, this is so hard for, this is so hard for people who really just want to get it right, you know? I think that one of the biggest things is that we don't see it as a process. We don't see it as a journey. We see it as a result.

And I just want a press  the check mark button and be done and be like yes, I did it I am so proud of myself of how I raised my children and look at how they came out And you know, we're sitting here and i'm almost laughing because it sounds so ridiculous  It's the things that are going through my brain, right?

It's like, what is going to mean? I am a good parent? And how do I measure my good parent ness, and can I judge? You know, how I'm doing along the way based on how they're acting? And all these things are just like total baloney.  Yes, total baloney because first of all with something I heard that I really love is your kids are not your business card  Your kids are not your business card it is not your representation of how good you are or how valuable you are as a parent it just They're your kids, but they're also human, and they get to choose their own ways, and they get to make their own mistakes, and they get to live their own lives.

And could you imagine what a pressure it is for a kid to have to be almost like the, you know, like when people window shop and they judge the dresses by what's happening in the window, right? It's like, oh, they're judging my parents by how I act. Excuse me. Why? You know, it's just not fair. It's not okay.

There's so much. Yes. Yes. That whole concept of you're embarrassing me. But you're you. Your child is a child. It's just that. And Bat-Chen, what reminded me of what you just said is, listening to you speak, what we want as parents is, I want it and I want it now. And then we wonder why, and then we wonder why  our kids do this now, never mind what's going on inside with our reactions, right? 

 We're all on this personal growth journey with our children. And I really do love that concept of  yours. They're not yours. The reason I love that is it separates me. It separates the personalization.  And, it puts a gap in between and I'm not saying that we're able to access that always in the moment, but it might give us pause.

And again, I always go back to that self compassion for being human and that we all, including parenting coaches,  including parenting coaches across the board. We're all on this journey together. And while I've been, I want to add as part of who I am and what I do,  I am an advanced trainer of the nurtured heart approach,  which I love.

It's a whole framework of how to view any relationship, especially with your children and also internally. How can we be kinder to ourselves? How can we can be kinder to our kids? How we can really see the greatness in ourselves, in our kids while being, as you said, imperfect.  Oh, yes.  Yes. And I want to say something else.

You said, you know, they're not yours. And there's another facet to that. And that other facet is, They're gods, right? So God is a partner here and he's in charge just as much maybe more, but you know, if we're, if we're doing, you know, fair, fair thirds, you have mom, dad, and God, we're all three, you know, in this together,  let God in.

Let him in because we so often think that we're alone. We're in this with no support. We have to figure this out all by ourselves. And then we're like, why, why? Yes. And I, and by the way,  and I'm sure you hear common themes in talking with, with women about marriage, I'm in business. I have no doubt you hear themes. 

Similarly, I hear themes. In talking with parents and it's almost always.  I'm a bad parent. I have no clue what to do. When my child is this, I'm messing up. How does this resonate with people? I'm messing up my kid.  That's going to put them in therapy. That one thing, that one thing right there is if we know what,  what our children are going to have to work through as adults, of course, we have to be the best we can be.

And we pray to  God for guidance and patience.  And compassion for us through the process. And we also pray for our kids.  You know, to have a  healthy, good life, to be happy human beings, to connect with God himself. And, you know, God believes in us. Can we believe in our children the same way that God believes in us?

Keri Bar Cohn, who I also have interviewed, by the way  Rebbetzin Tap. She said I remember exactly what you said. I'll sort of bring that up in a moment. She had said, if we don't believe in our kids, who's going to believe in them? Yeah.  You know, she's like, you know, she's like a cheerleader. I mean, I, you know, fully, you know, fully exuberant.

If we don't believe in our kids, who is going to believe in them? And it's easy with our negativity bias in the world. Psychology, you know, speak with negativity bias. It's easy to see what's wrong.  It takes zero effort. To see what's wrong. Cause it's right there. This isn't how I want it to be. I want it right.

This isn't how I want it to be.  Right. With anything in our lives, we're talking about children right now. And can we have, again, the patience through that process,  but if we don't believe in ourselves and the gift that we've been given via our children, right. Look, I got married older. I have friends that don't have children.

I've been davening for a very long time. You know, I will say as an older mom, there's someone who went through infertility. You know, challenges that they really are a gift that the of fertility, you know, we are co creators with, with God. You know, each person, the fingerprints of each child, the thing of every human being, right? In snowflakes you were mentioning before.

You know we're all created uniquely.  You know, and are we able to, as much as humanly possible, not all the time, because we have to be,  you know, patient, compassionate with ourselves as much as possible. Give ourselves grace, much like God gives us grace and space. I gotta write that down, grace and space. 

Yeah, I love that.  You know, and Hashem, you know, God gives us encouragement all the time. And I call them, I mean, I've heard from someone else, kisses from Hashem,  right? When something happens and it just comes together, just right,  just right. It's a kiss from Hashem. And what do our children need from us?

They need our kisses. They need our hugs. They need our love more than anyone in the world.  My daughter,  since she was little. My nose gets red when I get emotional. That's my tell.  She'll say to me, even now, she's eight and a half. She'll say to me, especially when she's tired. Mommy, I want you.  Mommy, I want you. 

And every time my heart just, you know, when she's tired and wants some, you know, connection or she's not feeling you, mommy, I want you.  And I really get,  can we transfer that into our connection with God? We're not alone. We're not just alone amongst coaches, amongst people who are here for support. Yeah. 

We're friends for that matter, but we're also not alone that we're in this life for a mission and for a purpose. One of which is, if you're listening, is a parent, or soon to be, or hope to be a parent.  You know, so  I love,  I love it. You were talking about patterns and I'll tell you one of the patterns that I see a lot with my, with my clients.

So I'm blessed to have a lot of older than me clients in their fifties and sixties, figuring out their new path, you know, like, you know, pivoting, finding things it's fun, you know, and like, Late forties, fifties, sixties. I also have, younger clients. So definitely, you know, I'm just looking for patterns right now.

And I find that the older crowd, and I'm not calling you old.  I don't think it personally, it's all good. No, no, all of, all of you listeners. I'm not calling you old. What I'm saying is that there's a different perspective when you are. in the thick of things with your young kids, it feels like it's never going to end.

And I have coined that term  infinity pain, you know, the pain of feeling like it's never going away. You fall into this belief that it will never pass. It will never be different. Like this forever. And then your kid grows up like five years later and your kids are ready in daycare. And you're like, Oh my gosh, I have hours for myself.

What do I do with all this extra time? Right? Like life starts to change and, when you're in the thick of things, then that's a different. You know hardship then when you're a little bit older and your kids are now older teenagers Maybe getting married maybe already married maybe moved out of the house Maybe chose a different lifestyle and these are the things that I deal with and love to deal with Is Really giving that space and grace like you were talking about It was like it means nothing about you if they have a different relationship with god than you have Because you can't have their relationship with god.

They need to have that relationship for themselves And so it's really important to just let go Of that control and trying to make it the way it needs to be and should be and could be and blah blah blah and And just allow them to find themselves because God, just like we said, right? He is a partner to, he is a parent to them just as much.

And so he's going to find ways. God is pretty cool about creative solutions, right? He's the creator. So I love it that he can create sparks and situations where The older child who's now an adult finds him in his own life in his own way and starts to sort of figure his own relationship out. And what's beautiful is that if we can let go of us needing to be the ones in charge, then the kids or, you know, young adults, the children can turn back and say, Oh I found my own.

My own journey, but if it's so held and so hard, like, ah, it has to be my way, then they don't have the freedom and the space to come back and talk to you about it. And then you'll never know. But at the end of the day, they're always going to find that relationship because it's theirs, right? They want to belong to God, just like they want to belong to you because we're all in this.

You know, the trio together.  Yes. Beautiful. And by the way, and that's where our role modeling  and open communication with them fits right in, and not expecting our another quote, I love quotes from the people I interviewed, right? So our rabbi, Rabbi Ilan Feldman said, if you want to raise a match, you have to be a match.

And it doesn't mean.  That's a mic drop right there. Sorry, guys. Get in.  Take a deep breath. Listen up. If you want to raise a mensch,  you have to be a mensch, right? Because we can't give them something that we don't have. And that is where I, I always go back to.  Life in general, but you know, parenting is the constant mirror,  right?

When we see behavior in our child, it's not my fault, right? But it is a reflection often. I mean, granted, again, Hashem gave them their own unique personality traits, right? And we have the nature nurture thing going on.  And the two primary people and people in their lives are the parents, right? So what we see if we are really open to learning and growing as people and as parents, we can take it as an opportunity.

We can also take it as like, Oh, I messed up. Oh my goodness. I can't believe my kid's doing that. And then blaming ourselves.  Right? That's one route.  Right. The other route is having, again, some self compassion, forgiving ourselves, much like God forgives us for being human.  I mean, think about it this way, He made us human, so there isn't much to blame here, but okay.

You know, and Hashem, God put us in our own, you know, I often think about how, like, I was born in Massachusetts. I could have been born in Zimbabwe. I could have been born anywhere in the world. But as born to my two parents in this world,  it is mind blowing that in and of itself is existence of God as far as I'm concerned.

Right? Like where did we come from? Right? And we still have choice when we grow up, as you're saying, to become the best we can be. And parenting is that opportunity to say, Ooh, how can I, how can is the  behavior I'm seeing? How can I, that's a reflection to me. How can I learn from this? How can I learn and grow from this?

Because beating ourselves over the head with a club doesn't help ourselves, our connection to God, or our connection to our kids.

  Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly? Feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one on one private coaching is for and I want to invite you, just you and me, For a free deep dive discovery call.

This is a 60 minute free call where I ask you lots of questions And we extract the three main things that are holding you back I then put together a personalized plan for you where I create a roadmap of recommendations With practical steps  the call is free and so valuable in itself. So go book yours today Now back to the show 

 You know, one time someone said is it actually working beating yourself up? You know, because let's just be honest really, if it was working, then great, then let's keep doing it.

But I'm not seeing you moving forward. I'm only  seeing you being stuck. So is it actually working? And I love that because when you realize all these, you know, cause they come from protective mechanisms and from ways that we automatically react. Right. A lot of it is default is the way that our brain, you know, sort of picked up on what I'm supposed to do next and then does it to us in, you know, in order to.

Pretend that it's in control. But in reality, calling myself lazy does not make me not lazy. It makes me feel bad about myself. And then it makes me feel lazier because I just don't feel motivated to do anything. And again, the same thing with any other thing, like I'm a bad mother. Well, then there's no point of trying because I don't know how to be a good mother and I don't know what a good mother looks like and a good mother.

You know, if you want to go into that is an entire list of things that are completely.  Unattainable. And then you start going into this loop of, you know, even if I get to half of that list, I'm not going to ever make it. So again, that perfectionist, forget about it.  I raised my hand. I'm a total perfectionist.

If I go with my nature and I just go like default, let's just, you know, go with whatever  my default is believing I'm lazy. My default is believing that I'm not good enough and my default is believing that if I can't do it perfectly I'm not gonna do it at all. Can you imagine if I would live in default right now?

I wouldn't be doing any of the things I'm doing any  Yes, you know, what's beautiful about this, you're choosing to rise above it. You're choosing to say, okay,  this feels hard. You're acknowledging, feeling the feelings like you said before. This is hard  but here's the thing I also want to say is that anyone who's listening to this is already a quote unquote good enough parent.

Now does that mean, you know, you're off the hook for never learning anything ever again?  No,  because we love learning and growing. That's why we're listening. That's why we're here. That's the journey we're on. You're clearly growth oriented people. I want to share. When I was pregnant with our daughter,  I asked someone a question.

I was like, Oh my goodness. You have that question. Am I going to be a good mom?  And she said, just by asking the question, you're already good. Like we all want to be good because that inner child in us, like I want to be good. You know, to our ultimate parent. God, no, we want to be good. Right. And we still have that inner striving that, but yet striving for that perfection now,  which is not realistic, right?

The unrealistic expectation gets us off the hook  for not stepping out of our comfort zone  and learning and growing, whether it's on your own or with someone else for support, I mean, the beauty of working with someone else. I mean, I'm safe for both of us, including myself. I have my own people that I turn to.

Right? Because I'm far from a perfect parent, you know, I, I have my own baggage, right? We all do. We all do. That's the whole point. You know, we're intended in this lifetime by God to,  you know, quote unquote, perfect, quote unquote, right? And to work through our challenges as best as we can. And I truly believe that's all we really can do.

We are not malachim. We are not angels. We are not perfect. But striving to do the best we can in this lifetime, the best we can.  And if we all, by the way, look back at who we were five years ago. As you're saying, by the way, age and stage.  You know, five years go by, we're not the same person. Our children aren't the same people.

And everything, this is a whole other mind blowing conversation I've had recently in my house, is everything in life, literally just this week, everything is waves.  Everything is waves. Nothing's always up here. Nothing's always down here.  We daven, we We hold on to the good times, we like store them up, so we can remember them, so when we're going through the rough times, we can wait a minute.

Okay, this isn't, as you said, the infinity pane. This isn't going to last forever. Nothing lasts forever. This is temporary. If we can take away the significance that we add to what's happening in the moment, which does feel huge.  in the moment.  And if we're able to take a step back or get a good night's sleep or go take a bath or take care of ourselves for a minute, you know, walk outside for five minutes and get some fresh air  because we have to take care of ourselves.

I'm talking to myself too, by the way, I always say that I'm not exempt. I mean, you guys all know we are, we're always talking to ourselves, right? I heard once someone say I'm doing this so that I don't forget because I know that I'm not going to actually do it if I'm not teaching it to someone else. And it's so true.

It's so cute because that's really  what it's all about.  And , there's a saying, everything is everything is in God's hands, except our.  Fear of God, but it's not really fear of God. I think it's more the consciousness, right? It's like we were talking before anything that's default.

It's you know, it's not in our control It's things that we programmed early on or things that Just, you know, happen, whatever. It's the way that we protect ourselves. It's the way that we fell into step with what, what was happening around us. Right. I'm the oldest I'm the good one. And therefore I need to be good all the time.

And that's where my perfectionist came from. And that's where I was holding myself back from failing. Cause I couldn't fail because I had to be the good one. Right. And I have to do things the way that you're supposed to do them and not break any rules in the business world. And until I finally gave myself permission to be myself and to just be like, okay, guys, I am not doing any of the things anybody else is doing.

I am breaking all the rules. I get to be creative. I get to have fun. I get to show up the way I want, but like, it took me so long to get over that because we all have those default things and protective mechanisms, but as soon as you can override.  the default and override the protective mechanisms and override everything that's automatic in your brain.

Cause all that stuff is just, you know, that's just nature. That's just part of the game, but then your consciousness comes in and you can fly and now you're in control and now you're actually in a different place. And that's what makes me come alive. When I can help someone  actually reach a level. Where they are conscious, like really conscious, where they have God in their life on such a level that nothing phases them because, oh, don't worry about it.

I'm in good hands. You know, I'm taken care of. He's got my back. We're in this together.  I'm going to take it one punch at a time, one step at a time, you know, so it makes you, it makes you conscious, makes you present, makes you alive. It lets you shine. It lets you be yourself, authentic, unique, vulnerable, like all the stuff we want  is all hiding in that higher level of consciousness. 

You Mike dropped there. You know, and I believe.  And it really is, when we're not looking to the past, when we're not in that automatic default mode, like you're saying, when we're not living in the past from fear, usually from fear, when we're not worrying about the future, talking about parenting and God. 

Can we put our faith  and trust in Hashem, in God,  that everything's going to be  just fine.  By the way, I have a mantra that I learned, and it's I heard it many years ago at a third meal on Shabbos. And it was, it's all good.  It's all from Hashem, and it's all for me. Now, it's all good, meaning it doesn't always look good,  doesn't always look good, doesn't always feel good.

We can't always understand how it's good.  It's all from Hashem,  our, our creator, our most compassionate, merciful, forgiving, nurturing, who gave us life.  Right? And loving. And only wants the best for us, right? Things happen for us to look, they're intended to be lessons, not why is this happening to me? Why is this happening for me?

We can shift that approach  and we usually can't do that by ourselves. We usually need support for that. Usually. It's all for Misham who loves us, who created us and it's all for me, my own personal growth and development.  So, when I'm conscious, my consciousness is  raised up, then I can be in a place of, okay, from here  I can pray, I can dove into Hashem. 

God, you take this, this, you know, the 12 steps are based on this, by the way, all the 12 step programs of any across the board of let go, let God, how much control do I really have? Really, do I have, and my understanding from Rebetzin Tzipporah Heller Gottlieb of the, it's all in the hands of Hashem, except the fear, the reverence, the consciousness of Hashem is, she had said, what that means is like our moral choices. 

And again, anyone who's listening here, we're all striving to do the best we can.  And Hashem has, as support, Rebbe Tzintzipora Harris also says, has infinite ways, has infinite, this gives me such peace.  infinite ways to bring us  and our children to where we need to be in ways that we can't even remotely imagine. 

I mean, I, I'll tell you, I'm a balistuva. I, meaning I grew up reform. I grew up a reformed Jew in Plymouth, Massachusetts. I knew not much about Judaism and I'm still, still so much, so much.  I don't know. I grew up religious. I was the daughter of the rabbi and I still have much to learn. Exactly. I mean, I know, I know this much.

You know what I'm saying? Like, this is my own little corner of the world. You know what I mean? So,  but,  there is just so much to learn and grow in this world.  God is so infinite and there is so much knowledge and so much to know that even if you've been learning it your entire life and you've been seeped in it, you still only know a drop in the bucket.

And that's the beauty because, you know, and also that's the beauty of just in time learning, which is a concept I learned from my coach, Steph Crowder. It was something that I really loved. She said. Instead of trying to learn everything you have to know in order to be the perfect parent, you know, just come to peace with the fact that you're never going to know everything and you're going to find the things you need to know along the way.

So it's going to be just in time learning. I have. You know, young children. Now I'm going to learn about young children. When I get to adult, you know, teenagers, I'll learn about teenagers. And when I get to the next stage, I'll learn about how to deal with that. And the honest truth is that it's all really universal and it's all calm comes down to, you know, work on yourself, figure yourself out, work out your own kinks and your own baggage and your own stuff.

And your kids will just. Gain from that so much. I also want to add that When you have a choice between working on your marriage and working on your parenting marriage comes first Because your children automatically get so much So much out of you working on your marriage. They learn they pick up You're modeling for them how to be an adult that can figure things out with their spouse This is the biggest gift that you can give them and it's something that I hear a lot.

No, but my kids matter more  You don't realize How much it affects your children? When you put them before your husband, yes, and that and by the way That also is our relationship with hashem Talk about like, you know A hierarchy like it's all it's all in the bowl. It's all in the mix. And Hashem created us and we strive to do the best we can.

We, you know, living Jewish values. We do the best we can. Something's better than nothing. Right? And same with our,  your marriage. And again, talk about, as you said, role modeling for our children,  right? Role modeling connection as Hashem does with us. Role modeling connection.

As best as we can, not perfectly, not perfectly. We're all learning and growing.  In the process, you know,  role modeling, fun for them, role modeling, communication, you know, playfulness, whatever we would like to.  It comes from, I wanted to add, I want to add something, please role model, how to be imperfect.

for your Children. My daughter once said it's annoying how imperfect you are. Because you're so perfect at being imperfect because I will actually say what I'm thinking and I will talk through what I'm experiencing so that my kids can see behind the scenes and they see that. I am showing up even though I don't want to, and I'm doing it imperfectly, even though I don't think it's, you know, the perfect way to do it.

And you know, here are the things I'm going through and here are the things that I'm thinking through and those are gifts. Yes. Yes, I, I often say it's and talking to myself as a recovering perfectionist, right? So good enough, good enough,  doesn't have to be perfect. No, as you know, we in school, it's like, you know, no one's perfect except for Hashem.

No one's perfect. And it's true. It's really like, it's good enough. You know, when you say recovering perfectionist, I'm cracking up because I don't think any  perfectionist can actually be fully recovered because we want to be fully recovered as perfectionists. We want to just check it off and be like, I am perfectly recovered. 

Never again.  You know, it's not going to happen again, you know, that default mode is never going to come up again. I still see in my life where it pops up. You know? And the beauty is, I want to bring this up too, because this is so perfect to bring in right now. We are all in cycles and in seasons and in rhythms and we're always going to have to deal with the same Things over and over again and when they come up, please remind yourself that this is just the next level up Right, you've gone up a level You're definitely in a different place now.

And this is coming up again to take you to the next level. It's almost like the elevator, right? It's like, here, we're going up a step, you know, it's all great. But don't fall into this whole thing of like, and it's coming up again, you know, because you can just  go crazy. Right? It's like, I thought we dealt with this already.

Yeah, well, when we rise up,  right? We're just looking at a different view, you know, I love this analogy of I'm looking at you straight on if I look if I grow and shift  five degrees, I'm not looking at you. I'm looking over here.  And that's a whole different view than looking straight at you. It's a whole different vista of things to look at things to absorb things to be challenged by.

It's a different perspective on life that you're elevated to. It's like, as you just mentioned, I thought I was done with that.  And this again, that was, we're saying before it goes into the waves of life, different age and stage, and doesn't necessarily  look, we're alive because you know, the waves on a, on a heart monitor, right?

It's going up and down. We are alive.  God forbid  the line goes flat, then there's nothing more. Right. Not here in this world, at least, you know, and that there's, you know, the growth happens when you are having those ups and downs, because I'll tell you something about the downs that made me feel better about them. 

I once said, to my coach. Why am I telling people I can help them if I'm still, you know, living with a husband who is still a human being, who's still a little bit not perfect and sometimes gets a little bit blah, blah, blah. I'm not going to say, you know, I bleeped it out because my husband does listen sometimes  my emails and tells me about what I did wrong.

So I'm not going to tell you that he is human and imperfect. He's awesome. But how can I tell you what to do when in reality, I'm still dealing with the same things, right? And the answer was you're dealing with the same things so that you can be relatable so that you can help these other people because.

You cannot see what someone else needs. If you never needed it yourself, you cannot see what someone else  is experiencing if you never experienced it yourself. And so when I'm in the downs, I thank God for that. I'm like, you know what? This is so frustrating. I can't believe I'm stuck down here. I just want to get back up.

This feels like the worst thing possible and stinky and blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. And I get very. I'm very good at complaining. And then,  you know, I remind myself that this is really, really important for my brand. Cause part of my branding is being authentic is being real. It's being open is being see through.

I want you to know I'm human too. I have a husband, I have children, I have a life and thank God for that. Because if not, then how would I be able to help you? Like, you know, some, some perfect you know, I don't know, whatever polished person's going to tell you what to do with your life. It's so icky. No way.

Nobody wants to hear from them.  What's neat about that though. What's really fascinating. This is one of the things I wanted to bring up is the downfall. Of comparing. Oh, I learned this on Facebook. It was a quote I saw years ago and I'd steal it every time. Comparison is the thief of joy.  When we look outside at other people, what they're doing, what we perceive they're doing,  there's a reason that there's a saying, you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

There's a reason that there's a saying for that, because we are all human. We are limited.   If I stand on top of my building, I can't even see the main street. Whereas God,  in his infinite wisdom of everything in the world, Our Creator, our merciful, most loving Father, who we strive to be for our children, right?

Again, who models for us how we can be as parents.  Hashem's limitless.  It's limitless. But when we compare ourselves to other people, other parents, other coaches, who we think is perfect, including myself, including us. You know, there's, don't be deluded into thinking anyone in the world, even those that have made millions of dollars, they ain't perfect.

No, one's perfect. They just might have more money or be more polished, right? You and I are who we are, you know, but it goes back to that whole conversation about blind spots. We all have, and that is by design. We drive in a car, we have blind spots in our lives. We have blind spots. I believe that was designed by God.

So we need other people. We're not meant to be alone and figure this out alone, whether it's parenting, whether it's marriage, whether it's coaching, whether it's,  you know, God gave us the Torah, hello, like,  you know, we don't do, you know, if we were, if we're observing Shabbos, if we're observing Shabbos, you know, Shabbat for the Swarden, you know,  forgive me.

So, you know, we don't do this. We don't do this. That could seem very restricting. But the beauty of not doing this and not doing this and living a life  of morals, you know, are striving to live the best we can be, right, of following a life of Torah or of Jewish values.  And when you don't do this, then you create a container for yes, you create a container for beautiful, sweet connection inside. 

When we, when we stay off of our phones as much as we can around our kids, when we don't Run out the door when we, when we, you know, don't listen to them when we don't,   when we don't do these things, we then have this beautiful space to create of connection and relationships, you know, and then we can have an influence if we don't create time and space, whether it's for God, you know, connecting to who we are and to our souls and who we were created to be in this world and our mission and purpose in this world.

And we all have a unique mission and purpose in this world. I'm not you, you're not me,  right? My strengths and challenges have enabled me to be where I am today.  Had I thought I'd be a religious Jewish woman?  Did I ever think I'd be being interviewed by, you know, by Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman? Oh my goodness, a couple years ago, who knew?

Right? If you believe it's a kiss from Hashem  that we connect with people and they bring us to, you know, they help support us to where we need to be next.  You know, but if we, if we don't do this, if we don't, if all the no's that we're not, you know, we,  whether it's for Shabbos observance or Judaism or for connecting with our kids.

I don't put my phone on the table. We create a space for connection and relationship. I think just boundaries in general are containers, right? Every container has a boundary and that's how it can contain. If you don't have a container, then everything is just going to sort of  flap, you know, all over and there's nothing holding it.

So you need boundaries. And I, I really believe that God is,  modeling that for us. Right  in showing us how to do that in all the different parts of our lives and I love that we brought this up  This has been so fascinating and I wish we could talk for another whole hour But our time is coming up and I want people to know how to find you and how they can work with you So tell everybody where they can find you and also just so you guys know All the links are going to be linked below in the show notes So make sure you look for those.

Thank you. I love talking with you. I love your authenticity and your freedom in, in, in talking and just how real you are. And it just  That's all I think anybody really wants, frankly. I think polished, you know, is overrated.  I'm not polished. That, you know, that didn't come out right. No,  no, listen. I think that once you let yourself be yourself,  the polish just happens on its own.

Because the more comfortable you get with yourself, the less awkward it is to try and fake a polish. And then there's this natural polish that just comes out. There's a shine. There is, you know, this, this delicateness.  that almost just, you know, exudes from you without trying when you're able to lean in.

And it took me a while to find it. You know, I want to be completely honest with you guys. I, I was petrified of speaking in public. I was petrified of trying to help people. Like, who am I? I'm hiding behind the screen. I was the graphic designer. Like, I didn't want anything to do with having to be in the front.

of anything, you know, leave me out of it.  And God had other plans. Yeah. And as you say, God is running the world and he's orchestrating everything and he's also the best coach. So he will take you step by step. Until you need to get to where you are. Right. And there's, there's only that reason that I am here because I was able to get to a place where I'm just following and listening.

I'm going to listen. I'm going to do what you say. I'm going to take the next step and I'm going to do it scared. And I'm just going to keep going. And that was the only way that it worked. Right. And, and that's what I help my clients do is I really want you to feel like you are becoming your best self and you are allowing yourself to rise to the next version of yourself because that's what it's all about.

It's, it's really all about that.  And that's, and that's what I do also with, with my clients as well. It is  helping parents take the next step and seeing the goodness in themselves, seeing the goodness in their kids  and how we can communicate on a deeper level and deepen connection and joy with kids.

 We're not alone. And I, I want to share with your audience, by the way, and the links will be included, is I have 50, it's called Happy Heart Families, 50 personal prayers for your family, and they are all bringing God into the picture, reminding, and they're all, like, personal affirmations turned into a prayer, in very simple English.

I'll give, I'll give you one example. You know, I strive to be a source of love and compassion for my Children. That's what God gives us. I trust that God will provide me with the strength and wisdom needed to be the best parent I can be.  Right. If we can add this into our self talk in a positive way, it makes a world of difference.

So how can people reach me? So  you'll do the links. I have my Raising a Mensch Masterclass Series, which you can gain access to. I have  my free gift to your audience, which is the Happy Heart Families, the prayers. And please shoot me an email at,  myhappyheartcoach at gmail.  com. 

I would love to connect You can sign up for 20 minutes of a connection call and we'd love to see if we're a good match for each other. But I help parents connect with their kids and connect, you know, more with who they are in a real way and connect to God, you know, God willing, baby steps, one step at a time.

That's all we got.  Thank you. I love it.  I love it. I love it. You guys totally take her up on it. 20 minutes with Tziporah is such a gift, such a gift.  And I'm so grateful that God put us in this together. Oh, there's such a beautiful,  comment. One second. Thank you. You're a beautiful class.  You guys, this is why I do it live, because it feels so nice to get comments and, you know, have questions live, it feels so good.

And going back to like why, you know, why I do things the way I do them, because it works for me. You don't have to go live if you don't want to, but I, I know this really fills me up, so.  Thank you so much. Thank you, God, for bringing us here, for, , bringing us together, and for letting us do this amazing podcast episode. 

I would love for you guys, if you're listening, to let us know what resonated, and what you loved, and what  hit the spot. So definitely get in touch with us. We love it. And make sure you come back next week for another amazing episode with another amazing guest.

And don't forget to be connected for real. Thank you so much, Tziporah.

 And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Rebbetzin Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.