128. How to Thrive as a Parent

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started.  

 And we are live. Welcome everyone to the connected for real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman and I am so excited today because we have Ariella rainbow. We're talking about parenting and you,  as you guys know, we have the four pillars, God, marriage, business, you, and every single month we picked a different topic.

And so this month's topic is parenting and we're down  to the last pillar, which is you and how important it is for you to take care of yourself within all of this, you know, crazy, all the stuff that you're doing so that you can contain, and you can expand and you can create space for all the parts of you.

So first we're going to start with Ariella introducing herself, and then we're going to get right into it. So let's do it. Ariella, introduce yourself.  Wow, very exciting to be here. So my name is Ariella and I am obviously I'm a play therapist and a parent coach, and I help also parent child dyads.

I also incorporate somatic work to what I do, and EMDR, and  trauma specialist kind of work to help people recover from things they've been through that were difficult.  So yeah, I have a private practice up here in the north and I also see people online virtually.  So that's a little bit about what I do.

Some people ask me, what is a play therapist? They're like, what kind of play is that? So it's really based on the idea that children's primary language is play not speech. You ask them, how was your day? And they're like, fine. And you start playing with them and it all comes out through metaphors.

So it can be, you know, from a little kid,  All the way up to, I feel like adults really express themselves more creatively through play and through other kinds of forms of self expression. Besides words, words don't always go as deep as other mediums can.  So, yeah.  That's amazing.  When I met you, I was so excited about.

What you do because it is so different, right? We are used to talking a lot about how we feel and about what's going on in our lives I'm trying to pinpoint exactly how to communicate what I'm you know What's going on inside and it's very difficult to translate an emotion or, you know, this tornado thing that's happening with all the different parts in words.

And so when I found out you do this in play, I'm like, yes, let's talk about it. How can we play more? Because I like having fun. Well, I've had sessions with kids that were like almost wordless. You know, there was a child who I worked with and he had been through this kind of thing. It was like a tragic disaster kind of thing and words weren't going to work for this kid.

And we had like a whole session that was just in the in a sand tray with me asking a little bit of prompts or questions and him showing me everything through. in a sand tray and then a whiteboard and then with his body. So, and I would say that to translate that to kind of adults, we do lots of things that are play and we don't really think of them as play.

Like dancing is play  and dancing is a, like one of my great metaphors for, I mean, we can dance on our own, but there's something so energetically different about dancing with someone else. And. I'm not talking about marriage in our topic, but you know, marriage is a dance and also parenting is very much a dance and it takes two people and that's very playful.

And that's like part of being attuned to someone else is, is a playful thing. Like conversations are playful. So there's lots of play that  we don't necessarily notice. It's like, Oh, that is play or I'm being playful right now.  So yeah. And even just last night. I'll give it like a personal example of I was cleaning up the kitchen and my son and I were drying and we had dish towels and there was some music playing and we ended up playing this funny.

Thing with the, with the dish towels, where we were both kind of using them like those, I don't know if you've seen those poi things that go back and forth. And it didn't take long, but we had so much fun in just a few minutes playing this game that was kind of like a dance and then turned into a little bit of like a a game where you had to try to get the other person's dish towel onto the ground, like whack it away from them.

And the dog started getting all excited and into it because there's such a great energy. To play and people often are like, Oh, I don't, I don't have time. Like I, that sounds great. But  you know, we're too busy. Like there's the next thing to do, but actually adding play in makes the energy so much lighter that all of a sudden  things get done easier and more smoothly and the connection is better and stronger.

So then it's not a drag. It's, it's uplifting and light. So, so yeah, I'm a big fan of, of bringing playfulness into parenting  and even into being with oneself in a more, connected and playful way.  Yes. Oh my gosh. I'm totally into this. Give us some examples of what practical things we can do in the moment.

What that don't take too much time, but can really create that connection with our kids.

I'm gonna start in a different place Okay, I'm gonna start from the place of being attuned  Because for example before I start playing with another musician I have to make sure my instruments actually in tune and then we make sure we're in tune together  Actually one of the core things that I  about when I'm doing parent coaching and that I also is almost like, like the way a dance might have dance steps.

You know, if you learn the waltz, like you learn, it's like the left foot and then the right goes like this and then the right goes back and the left goes like this and it makes a little box. That's very different than what it's like to actually dance with the music on. To be what when you see you see balls and you see people dancing like waltzing around the room.

So there's  the tools and the steps and then there's this  organic, beautiful thing that happens when a person's in a state of flow.  So  I feel like even before I want to give examples of specific things to do with play, which and I often tell people it's more like a recipe book. It's like you see what's in the recipe book, but then you work with what you've got in your house and what you actually want to put in your recipe.

So the, the three  steps of this dance are A, B, and C. And this comes from , some somatic training that I've done that I was like, Oh, well that really applies both to my personal growth and also my relationships with the people around me and especially working with kids. So A is acknowledgement and awareness. 

And acknowledging an awareness  could just be like, wow, this is a kid with a lot of energy or, you know, actually I'm feeling really low key right now.  So one thing might just be like tuning into what's happening.  And it's a really crucial step and acknowledging might be saying that out loud. Wow, you've got a lot of energy right now.

Or, you know, I'm feeling out or about myself. I might feel like I need to get out of the house.  I've been here too long, like those are examples of some of the awareness, acknowledging or even body centered, like noticing, you know,  taking a moment and noticing that, actually something feels uncomfortable in my belly right now.

So all of those are examples of  the A of acknowledging awareness. An acceptance. And then, and the acceptance part just flows right into B, which is being with  or taking a breath. They're  the, both of the Bs of like, I often stop and just need to breathe or take a breath before the  parents often jump into the, like, stop that.

Don't do this. But this moment of breathing and being with is so important. It's almost like music wouldn't be music if it didn't have rests in between the notes. If it was just a constant note, it wouldn't actually, it needs the rests and the measures. So that kind of pause is so important. And then comes the C, which is connection and curiosity and creativity and all the other C's, communication, all that stuff.

So, and that could be.  Often, you know, if it's say it's a child who's got a lot of energy, you know, like, wow, you got a lot of energy.  I'm finding this place in myself where I can  meet that. That's the being with, and then it might be like, okay, obstacle course across the room. Like, okay, you have to clear the table, but you have to figure out how to get to the kitchen without stepping on, you know, not with breakable dishes.

Right. But like something. So that might be an example of a kind of playful, creative solution. Or really for each child across the ages, it's like meeting them where they are. So even if it's a kid who perhaps likes playing video games or leaving, you know, the discussion of screens and video games for later.

In general for another time, but  a child who might be doing something that I don't relate to, but I'm going to meet them there and play a two player game with them or for, for 10, 15 minutes where it's like, I meet them in their world and I connect to them. Oh, I think we might have a cat visitor in a second. 

Okay. She likes to be wherever I am.  So those are some examples of the ABCs of parenting, which is both something I practice with myself and of what needs to happen next here. You know, acknowledging. being with, befriending, breathing, and then noticing what, what needs to happen next.

And that could be put on some music and dance, or that could be get out of the house for a little while, or that could be sit down and do the work that I need to do. So so that's a little bit, the kind of  the parenting and, and me dance, where the way that I'm I do myself growth is going to  have a ripple on effect in my parenting.

And the way that I work on my parenting also comes back around and feeds my soul. Yes. Yes. I love it. I love it because first of all, awareness is 80 percent of the work. I always say this, you know, if somebody is aware of what they need. or what they're feeling or what's going on. They just bring it up to the surface. 

That's most of the work right there. You know, then, okay. So, you know, now I know what to do and how to help you, but I can't, I can't do it for you. And having awareness is so, so key  and it makes things so much easier. So I love that you're saying, stop trying to be parent first, first, be, the vessel. 

first be able to really, you know, contain yourself, be aware of yourself, know where you are. And this morning, I was exhausted. And also yesterday, I fell on my knees. So my knees were were scraped and ouchy. And I was like, everything hurts. And I have no patience, you know, because in like, when you're in pain, patience goes out the window, you're like, The, the most different person. 

And this morning I just wanted the kids to just like, just go get your own clothes, please. And just  get dressed and just do it already. And let's get out. Cause I just need to be out already. Cause I need to come back in and I have to do all these things and I have a meeting and you know, and I was feeling so icky and so slow and so heavy just because I was in pain.

And then once I was able to say that. I was like, Oh, you know, because I'm in pain, I have no patience.   Just saying it made me realize, Oh, okay. You know, I can have compassion with myself. I can get it. I get it. There's nothing wrong with me. It's just that I'm having one of those days. Yeah. And so it helped me move myself,  a little bit more and just be a little nicer to the people around me just because I was aware of it's not, it's not about me.

It's really just about what's happening.  Thanks for saying the word compassion. Cause when you said that the little light went off, it was like, Oh, that was the seed that I didn't say that's so critical is that is the compassion right there. And that works.  for ourselves, totally. Like, it's not easy to juggle all of this, whatever it is.

And, and it works across the ages as well. Like, it's not easy to be too, oh my gosh, to have, like, all the big feelings, not the vocabulary to express it. Or it's not easy to be a teen, to come with compassion, to come with, All the, the self judgment and the comparing and the identity forming. So really  compassion that C is, is super, super and critically important.

And Dan Siegel, who's a great author, maybe you've heard of him. So he's written some fabulous parenting books, one called the whole brain child. Anyway, so he says, name it to tame it,  you know, sometimes saying something. Giving it a name,  being able to articulate it, identify it. And when we can do that for ourselves, you know, I'm just really stressed right now or whatever it is, or I'm feeling excited.

 And we can do that for our children too. That's part of our. Role out of being a container and helping to kind of  contextualize things for them is part of our job is kind of helping them to, in a really nonjudgmental way, identify and name.  feelings and we can also tread lightly there. I'm like, sometimes if,  if I'm not sure, I'm like, that could be  really upsetting, or maybe you're feeling embarrassed, or maybe you're feeling uncertain, and then give a little space for a child to kind of be like, yeah, or no, or which one of those.

 I once did that with one of my kids like it sounds like you're really annoyed and like I'm not annoyed. I'm disappointed. I'm like, wow, you had the words to say that,  you know, that was really impressive,  right? But it really is very powerful when you leave that space for them to You know, make it more exact  exactly even that kind of process is helping them focus and clarify like no Not that this and so so even being there and helping them in that process of identifying  what they're going through what they might be feeling And  you said the breath was the second thing and I just realized that is the only reason why I'm able to show up now and be you know, my full self is Between taking the kids and coming home and doing all the things I had to do I also set myself down and put on one of my meditations from the meditation library that I have and I'm basically following myself, you know, telling myself what to do in a guided meditation.

And it was so good. Like now you're saying it, I'm like, Oh,  that's what I intuitively did so that I can come and be here, you know, showing up fully. Because if I would show up the way I was feeling half an hour ago. Maybe it wouldn't come out so great. You know, nobody wants to listen to that episode.  We're out there improving my patience. 

I actually, I have a bell, like a meditation bell alarm thing in my phone. Like I found this app and it, it goes off once an hour. It sounds exactly like one of those Tibetan meditation bells. And what's fascinating is that when I do what I need, That often is exactly what the environment around me needs, like, so I have this bell that goes off  to help me remember just to take a few deep belly breaths and then, what do you know, everyone who's around hears that  and has all gotten into this groove of like, 

and even doing it just right now,  I feel the difference. And so this great story, my kids never forget that. One day I was like, I need to go find a tree that has fallen over, but it's still alive.  And we all went out on this hike to like a forest to go find a tree that had fallen, but was still growing.

And that was what I needed. So it's often, yes, our kids have needs. And I'm super attuned to what a child, if I'm working in the room with them, or if they're my own children, or if they're You know, I'm hearing a parent sharing about their child. I'm super attuned to  where the child's coming from, but there's this fascinating  thing, this phenomenon of this  golden opportunity for for self growth and self actualization through self development.

Through parenting that is about being mindful of what my own needs are. That helps everything run so much more smoothly and beautifully and in an inspired way, really.  Yes. And that's exactly what we're talking about today is that you focus, you know, because A lot of times we're so focused on the child and their needs and how I'm supposed to be the perfect parent for them so that they could be the perfect child.

I just had this conversation a couple of days ago with one of my friends who says, I totally think my kid has ADHD. She's eight years old. She's making me crazy. She sings at the top of her lungs, like six o'clock in the morning. She's running around, she's doing, she's so, so active. She's all over the place.

She can't get herself, you know, dressed, but she does know how, and she just doesn't want to, and all these things she's describing, right. And she's having a really hard time. It's like, okay. And I told myself, I'm going to get a parenting coach right as. I'm finished with this project. Okay. So the project is finished and now I'm ready, but I'm so scared.

I'm like, no, I'm not ready to become the parent. I need to be for her to have the perfect parent for who she needs to become. So maybe I should hold off on getting a parenting coach. And I was like, no, no, no, no. That is exactly why you need a parenting coach right now, because you just said the biggest fallacy.

You do not need to be a perfect parent for your child to finally get the skills they need and be able to put themselves together. Your kid just needs you. To be more centered and to be ready for whatever comes. You can be imperfect. We all should be imperfect. That's how we're made. Right. Stop trying to, you know, stop falling into that belief.

Just stop. So that is what I, this exact conversation I had two days ago.  Totally. That's one of the,  really important components is seeing the success, also seeing our successes.  in the imperfection is that it's, it's really,  again, if it's like a dance,  there's a lot of  mismatches and then picking back up and carry on dancing.

And so yeah, I encourage parents to both write down their own successes at the end of the day, because it's easy, easy, you know, it's the, the negativity bias.  That we have a tendency to see the things that went wrong or have  the brokenness kind of stand out, but actually it's really important for us, whatever we put the magnifying glass on growth, you know, so really important to make a list of successes at the end of the day, either in a journal or sit there and write them down or mentally go through them.

And to do the same thing for our kids, you know, I'm a a wonderful teacher. Miriam Adahan has this little pamphlet. It's called the book of my godliness. And she talks about how completely powerful and uplifting it is for a kid to see their successes and their, what they overcame written down.

And so, you know, I, I used to have these little notebooks for tiny ones. The kids would decorate them with stickers or whatever. And they had their name. And from the youngest ages, it would have the things that were either challenging for them or their, you know, what they, what in their two year old, three year old world we're working on.

They would be written down in this book at the end of the day. And then they hear it. I would read it out to them the next morning when they came for breakfast or you find the right time. Or even just a kid when you, you might have a shopping list on the fridge because those are the things that are missing.

That's important. You're going to go to the store and get those, but what if you had a piece of paper and you were writing down all the successes and accomplishments of your child on the fridge? That's very validating. So yeah, like it's not about perfection. It's about progress, but it is definitely what we, what, what are we shining the light on?

Cause that, that's what we'll see the most.  Yes, and you know this brings me to asking you because I think it's really important for us as parents to hear this  the Correlation is made, you know If you want to help your child help yourself and you have to contain them and you have to you know Be aware of what they need and you have to blah blah blah blah and we have a list of things that we as parents should do, need to do, have to do in order to help our kid thrive.

And I feel like that pressure. Is just too much.  Yeah. You just said it. Too much. It's too much. And, and then at the end of the day, you realize actually,  if God wanted them to have a perfect parent, he would have made you perfect, but it didn't need that. Like for them to grow up and become the humans that they need to be and become who they're really being called to become.

You, you need to do nothing.  Like really you're doing it not for them You're doing it for yourself to make your life easier to make it easier for you to handle what's happening in your own family in your own home in your own Atmosphere, but at the end of the day, they're going to thrive no matter what they don't need you to change yourself I feel like the pressure when once you take away the pressure Then it's easier to You know, sort of take a deep breath and pick yourself up and be like, okay, so I'll just do whatever I can. 

Yeah, I definitely  am with you with the imperfect is, is good enough, you know, and that we, we will make mistakes. And  I say about relationships with children that actually it's the adult who's responsible for the building, maintaining, and repairing of the relationship.  So  the thing is, I think we are really important and I think we are really  critical.

I think a lot of the unmet needs of children and they're, no one's gonna get through childhood with, without some unmet needs. That's the way it goes. But a lot of the relational trauma that adults have, it is coming  from childhood, from either shaming, from critical parents.  So  saying that if, if we just kind of abandoned them in the woods and they'd be, they'd be thriving, they'd be fine.

I think we have to take a little bit more. This is Pixie the cat, Pixie.  So yeah, I have to do cat therapy, play therapy as well. I've sometimes noticed like this cat is bored and needs something to do. And I go find some hair or something. And then  my husband jokes, I do play therapy with the cats.

what you're saying is. I'm not saying abandon your kids, but I'm saying the pressure of thinking that you have to be something,  like all the pressures on you to be the parent and to contain their craziness and to change them and to help them change their ways and change their personality and change, you know, and figure out what works for them and give them the skills and give them the tools and do the right, like the to do list is just so big and so.

so overwhelming that, and at the end of the day, like you said, we're all going to end up with something, you know, there is not a single person who cannot blame their mother for something in their life. Right. And I think  as a mother, knowing that I have a lot less pressure to try and not, you know, try to avoid  doing things that are going to, You know, scar my children forever.

I make my rules. I do my things. And then like, I'm really sorry that this doesn't work for you in your life right now, but this is our rule in the house. Right. And it takes away from the pressure of having to accommodate them and make sure that they're okay with everything that's going on. So at the end of the day, that's going to just, you know, backfire. 

I'm, I'm thinking of the  garden metaphor here because we are not their everything. Yeah. Even when you're a connected confidence. Playful parents with a good relationship with your child which is that, that's my passion to help parents get to that. We're not there everything. And I think about gardening as a great metaphor of like trying to get the right conditions going, but we can't make a carrot  grow any faster than it's going to grow. We just kind of are trying to do our best to.  Understand and and parenting is often about  getting a seed or a little sapling or a little something that you don't even know what it is.

It's like getting, getting a little mystery plant from the nursery and kind of having to figure it out as we grow. Like, okay.  a little yellow over there. Maybe it's getting too much direct sunlight. Let's try it over here and trying to help a child thrive is a little bit about kind of creating, seeing what a child's talents or skills or abilities are and, and working with what is hard for them, helping kind of create the best conditions for them to grow, but no, we can't make them grow and, you know, just, you know, Like those little, we can't even make a child sleep, but we can create the right conditions as much of like kind of conducive environment for going to sleep.

So we're kind of like the, the gardeners on that level of  trying to create the most conducive environment for adaptation, for resilience, for growth and all that stuff. So,   I love this metaphor because, you know, what you're saying is you get this surprise seedling thing, you have no idea what it is you put in the ground.

You try to figure it out. You realize, oh, it's a carrot. And you're like, I don't want to carry it. I wanted something else, you know, and you're supposed to be someone else. And  we have these situations where we're fighting reality. When In reality, there is nothing to fight. You can't control who they are, what they are, how they're growing.

If they're, you know, a little kinky or if they're straight or if they have, you know, too many greens coming out or whatever,  there is nothing we can do to change them or straighten them. You know, I feel like a lot of us are trying to do this.  Take a deep breath, they just are, you know, and. 

Control what you can control. And the only thing you can control as a gardener is yourself and what you do. It's not the results ever. Yep. Can't turn an apple into an orange, but we can still try to learn  what helps the, an orange tree thrive. Like yesterday I was talking with my friend and she used to have all this grass in her backyard and I was like. 

And she said, well, it turns out my orange tree was getting too much water and it was only producing like one orange a year. And I'd rather have a fruitful orange tree than grass. So I'm, I'm not, I'm not going to water the grass now because I'm trying to help my orange tree. And that was a great example.

It's like there's all the information inside this orange tree to be this great orange tree, but. We can check ourselves, like what am I doing that is either helping or hindering and make changes along the way.  So, yeah, I actually thank you for making the connection because I hadn't thought of what a great metaphor for her orange tree was and hopefully she'll have lots of oranges on that tree now, but yeah, I can't, can't can't change what the plant is.

But as we go trying to be in touch with and notice. A lot of noticing which is stepping back. I mean, when a painter looks at their painting, they usually take a few steps back to see what it, what's going on there and what needs to happen next. And that's the process that we can't necessarily, it doesn't unfold all at once. 

Right. It's a slow unfolding process. And I love the mixed metaphors that are going on in my head right now because, you know, you're talking about grass versus the tree and she's choosing the tree over the grass. And then my, the metaphor that went in my head is like, the grass is always greener on the other side.

Like a lot of times we do things.  Because what other people are going to say matters more. And we want to make sure that our grass is green and that it looks okay. And that we're, you know, if anybody catches us doing this thing, then they'll be so proud or I'll, I'll get the mother of the year award or whatever.

And at the end of the day, it's like, stop watering the grass. It's not actually helping your tree, you know, please make what matters most matter and everything else not matter. And  it just popped in my head. I'm like, Oh my gosh, mixed metaphor. Crazy thing going on in my head.  Cool. Yeah. Often  it's about saying it's Not necessarily a big deal if a kid gets to school a couple minutes later, if they went to school with their battery fully charged, if they, if there was like in a loving, sweet way, and it's about knowing what matters and those moments of  the grass or the tree, the grass or this orange tree, what matters more?

You know that everything looks orderly in the house so that we have a house that's vibrant and alive and and that we've got energy and love here. That's that's positive.  So it's finding that the balance and also clarifying  what are the priorities right here.  That  my backyard looks green and grassy and looks nice or that this other  important growth is happening, but I want it to that it's going to take some sort of sacrifice, something has to give.

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 And, you know, I do love that we're talking about this as well, because. One of the things that she had to do is a little bit of research, a little bit of understanding of knowledge about the tree and figuring out that, Oh, your tree is being overwatered. Wait a minute. I didn't even know that was a thing, right?

So being able and willing to learn new things along the way, which, you know, in my opinion, is really knowledge is power. And the more you surround yourself with people whose expertise is, you know, gardening, parenting, marriage, whatever. They're going to start saying things that you were like, Ah, I never thought of that.

Oh, that's all I have to do? Stop watering it? Like, really? That's, that's, it's that easy? You know, so sometimes just talking to the right people, getting the right knowledge, understanding how things work in the world differently than what you expected makes all the difference.  Yeah, it's a constant learning opportunity to be I'm always reading another book and trying things on.

And then it's about making it yours. I mean, a lot of this parenting thing is also parenting ourselves and, and that has to be authentic, meaning not just,  Oh, years ago, I remember I read some book and And I was like, I'm going to try this technique. I can't remember what it was. It was like a one, two, three kind of warning system or whatever.

And I, I think it was my eldest daughter was like, you read some book. Didn't you? It's like, she could see right through that. I was like trying somebody else's thing on. So yeah, it really is a lot about, it's about learning and there's some, some wonderful resources out there. More and more, we understand about brain science.

We understand about the fight, flight or freeze response. We understand about the three part brain, you know, the inner, the middle and the prefrontal cortex and we understand how, you know, when a person or a child feels threatened that this goes crazy there and make the line that all of their, their, their prefrontal cortex skills like language  and planning and delayed gratification.

And,  problem solving, all those kind of go out the window. We know so much, and it is really helpful to know all those things. And then, at the end of the day, there's also this just sort of being here now,  this very simple thing. There's like, it's, it's kind of,  it's, it's more about  the stillness in the right here right now. And being with a child who doesn't want to put their clothes on or whatever, and kind of picking up one sock and picking up the other and having them have a conversation. Like, I don't think he knows how to get his clothes on. Yes, he does. He really knows. I saw him yesterday. He can put his clothes on all by himself.

And so there's this, it's like, there's lots of knowledge and they, if we can absorb it and go in, but then at the same time, just as much as, as the more that we can kind of completely be present in the moment with ourselves and with whoever we're with.  Whoever's in front of us right now for me. It's you and my cat who's behind the screen, you know That's really tremendously powerful right there, right?

You know, you also reminded me when you said writing down things I had this I use it sometimes like every so often when I see a kid is  Really really  all over the place  I sit down and I'm like, wait, wait, wait, we have to write your rules. Cause you know, when you're the queen, you have rules.

What are your rules? Well, my rules are everybody has to eat ice cream all day long. I'm like, okay, one second. And I designed their name with a little crown and all these like fancy things around, and I start writing like. The rules of the queen, you know, and I put their names and it's like, okay, rule number one, everyone has to eat ice cream all the time.

And I'm like, Hey, what else? And now she's suddenly stopped. Like, Oh, what else? Well, everybody has to wear pajamas all day long, you know? Okay. So number rule number two, and I really  write it out. Like so fancy. And so, you know,  High level. It is so cute to find it many, many years later and remind them of this.

And, and everybody's cracking up. Like, could you imagine if we all had to walk around in pajamas and eat ice cream all day long? That'd be terrible, you know? And, and we're all cracking up, you know, five, six years later, but in the moment it worked so well because it gave them the space to imagine and play and think and just be themselves and Forget about all the things that are going on that are making them so jittery. 

Yeah, and empowering. That, that's the word that was coming to mind. It's like you just gave them power because it's one of the things that is, it's difficult for us and especially difficult for kids is how profoundly powerless we can be.  And, Especially for kids who don't necessarily, they didn't, they feel like they didn't choose their parents.

They didn't choose where they live. Maybe they didn't choose where they go to school. They didn't choose lots of things.  And so those moments of empowerment and giving them power, you know, they don't happy at school. Okay. Yeah. If you were the. Head teacher. If you were the principal, what, what would you do if you ran a school?

What, what are some of the things that you would make sure,  and that gives them, like in fantasy, you can give a child something sometimes what they're lacking. And that helps. That is therapeutic. And that's one of the things that I do. I run workshops that are lots of fun and give parents.

 Therapeutic skills because  I always say, like, I don't really have a magic wand. You know,  I do what I do, but I really believe that parents can be given over a lot of these therapeutic skills that, that a therapist has. And I'm with a child once a week, parents are with them. You know, 24 seven or something like that  and are so vital.

And so those moments like that playful, Oh, I was like, just wanting to be your daughter right there. Cause it's just so nice to have, you know, instead of like, well, that's ridiculous or that to go with it, that you went with it and you're like, let's write that down, you know,  right. Let's put up a profit.  It works extremely well when you have like very power children, right?

The ones that, you know, something great is going to come out of them, but right now they're just too little to figure out how to harness all that power. It is so powerful for them because they're like, Oh yeah, one day I will be able to make decisions and I will, you know, have a say and, and then  what will I do with that power?

You know, so it's also a little bit of  allowing them to figure out what matters to them and  almost like find yourself type of thing. Yeah, they're getting to try it on. Yeah.  Yeah. It's really fun. What other ideas do you have for us?  Well, I, it helps if I have a topic.  Often parents kind of talk in a global way and then I'm like, okay, give me a specific and then we can work with it.

You know, some of the things are like not not cooperating or not listening. You know, when a parent asks them something or it could be getting ready on time. Sometimes those are. Those are some of the big ones or, or losing a temp, losing temper, you know, like freaking out about things.  Those are some of the examples you choose one. 

Why don't we, if you want to take something real for you, if you've got some, I, I am not saying this is real by any means, but I think that a lot of people with teenagers have a hard time  helping them get out of bed and going on time and, you know, starting their day. People have a really hard time getting up bed.

Personally,  I just did coaching on this last year and it changed my whole morning because  I had a real transformation in my decision making about not snoozing and not staying in bed and just, okay. I just, do it, you know, so every single morning I get up even though I don't want to.

And I really understand them because it's not just because you're teenagers, because it's hard to get up and it's so fuzzy and yummy inside. Right. So how do you help them?

choose to get up and start their day. You know, you see that they're frustrated. You see that they want to succeed and they're just not able to. Yeah.  Well, so we're talking about will here.  Yeah. So I would probably start by just exploring, what's their ideal? Yeah. What is it that they actually would like to happen? What do, what would they like to really happen?  And then I would explore either what, what's getting in the way? What's preventing that from happening? This is the curiosity, by the way, the sea of the curiosity, and you kind of just go in like a little bit of a researcher, a little bit of just doing a little kind of low key interview with them, of just being curious, like what, without judgment, without, you really have to, and you know it's going to, if you don't do this, how will you get a job, none of that, just like being kind of curious what's, what's preventing them?

What might be their ideal wake up? Like, what do you think it is that you need to make it work for you? And that's going to be so unique and specific. It could be one kid's like, well, I need you to come in quietly and just touch my shoulder, or maybe they say like, I need to be woken up with music.

That would help me. So. There's, there's devices like Amazon puts out this echo dot or whatever. That's like, no, no visuals, but you could have an alarm that just goes off that wakes you up with music.  So those are some of the starting points that I would take  because if I have, if it's my will versus their will, then there's this phenomenon called counter will, where I'm trying to do something and I'm going to then be pushing up against their will.

So the more it's really coming from  their will, like often, you know, parents will present some sort of challenge. And I'm like, well, do they want to get dressed on their own? And like, no.  Okay. Interesting. So then we're like,  things really are going to be much more successful when they're starting with self will, when you want to, you will, and when you don't, you won't.

So there it's kind of like about the,  Arousing that in a child or like I and help it. Like you said, it's about awareness. So it's really about  helping them. And as they become older, it's really more about stepping back so that we don't keep pushing into the counter will and  helping them figure out.

Their solutions. What are, what is the problem and what are the solutions that's going to work for me because it might be really creative, but it might not be what I think what the solution is that works for me and it might be like for you. Maybe it was like  snooze was like a no, no for you.

Maybe. I'll tell you what the crazy thing is. Now that you're talking, I remember myself, you know, being the same way, not wanting to get up, staying in bed as long as I can. Then my father would walk in and be like, we're leaving the house in five minutes, if you're in the car, I'm leaving without you. And then I would have.

Exactly five minutes to get up. I would jump out of bed. I would get dressed quickly. I would grab a granola bar I would run out with my backpack and I was always on time in the car before it was time to leave, right? And so I thought like I'm really good at getting up in the morning I don't need that much time and so I could really sleep in and all this stuff that I was telling myself but  Then I got married and my husband says this is the funniest memory he ever has from like our first Week, you know of being married  The alarm clock was on his side of the bed. 

I'm sleeping And when the alarm clock went off I got up, jumped over his bed, reached over, snoozed it, went back to my bed, went to sleep.  And he's like, you were already up, you already moved, you already came across the entire room. Like, what were you doing?  I'm like, what do you mean? Isn't that normal? Like, doesn't everybody snooze?

And he was like, No, that was, that was crazy. That was ridiculous. I've never seen such a thing. Right. So just awareness of, Oh, it doesn't have to be that way. And, and then my next big thing was I realized I actually hate being woken up by an alarm clock. I want to be up by.  You know, either light, noise, humans, my awareness, like I don't want to have to deal with some like noise or some thing that's telling me what's going on, you know, I, yes, very much, very much.

I do not like any of that stuff. And once I let go of the alarm clock and I was like, I do not like alarm clocks. I do not want alarm clocks. I just want to be, you know, naturally woken up,  I naturally wake up before the kids,  you know, I naturally am suddenly like, Oh, I think it's time to wake up. And it just happens from within. 

And it helps me. It helps me be like, Oh, look at that. Isn't that cool? Like my body has this ability to know what to do without having to be forced from the outside. And it feels really nice. So then my next step was Okay. So now I need to get out of bed before the kids, because that's my goal is like, if the kids get into my bed, I will not come out like, you know, either we're snuggling or we're fighting or they're fighting over who's next to me.

It's just, I can't stand it.  So how did you figure this out about yourself?  About the alarm. 

I'm always on a mission to find what works for me. And I think, you know, the awareness piece is really great. It's stopping and really being like, wait, what is going on. You know, what is my, like you said, what's my ideal wake up style? And I was like, if I was a millionaire and I have to do anything and I could just do whatever I want, I'd have this beautiful room with, you know, the big light, you know, big window and light curtains and blah, blah, blah, right?

Like my big vision. And I wouldn't have an alarm clock in the room. I would just wake up from the sun and the air and the birds and the noise and whatever. And like, I would get up and start to, you know, start my day and just, you know, do the things that feel good and have things going on that I'm going to like, you know, if I was a millionaire and I don't have to do anything.

But I want to be around people and I want to be helping and serving and doing the things I'm doing right. I probably would not stop working in what I'm doing now because it, this is, you know, this is part of my millionaire vision is like, Hey, if I get to choose, then I'm going to choose the thing I want to do.

And so here I am serving people and being, you know, my best self, but it's, you know, it's these games that I play with myself about, like, if I get to choose, then why do I need to do someone else? It's like, what works for someone else?  And it's really, really great,  right? You figured this out about yourself and that is the great, the greatest tool that we could give to a child because we get these precious years with them.

You know, that expression, the, the days are long, but the years are short and I love it.  And, and they're going to be their own people. They're not going to have a father saying, wake up, we're getting in the car five minutes to go.  And this is this, this process of giving our children skills that they'll be able to  be independent  adults who can also figure out what works for them and doesn't.

And, you know, the more we're able to, I think, help them tap into that. At a younger age, the better we're giving them a foundation for being you know, confident, capable adults as they go along. Yeah. And I, you know, you're asking me how I got to this. I think it's really important to also say it's in stages, right?

Like you figure out one thing and then you live and you figure out another thing and then you live more, right? Like I just, I, when I have newborn babies, so my rule is six o'clock is  Like anything before six, I put them back to sleep or I go back to sleep, whatever. As soon as six o'clock hits, it's like, that's it.

Don't fight it. Just get up, start the day. And as soon as I made that rule for myself, it made it so much easier because now I don't have to decide, should I get back into bed? Is it worth it? Is that, are the other kids going to wake me up? Like really soon is whatever. It's like, no, there's a rule. Six o'clock is morning.

You know, that's it.  And, and that, and that took so much of the pressure off. So things like that, it takes time until you finally give yourself the permission to find what works for you. And then you get to the next level and you're still dealing with the same things, but you're dealing with them on a different level.

Right? So we're constantly going, you know, in that spiral of we're going up a level, but we're not fully there yet. Cause I think that it's never going to go away. Right? Like my nature is I'm a night person and I don't really like to be up in the morning, but having kids changes you in that way.  Yeah.  And the other word that I was thinking of while you were sharing that is like the limit.

You found the limit. And, and that often That is the,  the big job often of the parent is like identifying what the actual limit is. And I see sometimes parents not being clear about what the limit is, and that's awfully confusing, both for themselves and for their children. And when we can identify, and sometimes  maybe our limit needs to not be where we originally would like it to be, but we find the real limit. And then when we can identify what those limits are with whatever it is, I don't know, screens or suites or play dates or sleepovers or the, the, the list is endless, you know? So, so that is a lot of the work of just being able to identify what the limit is and then when we can kind of acknowledge our child, this is a another.

Another great kind of tool that I give to parents. And I think we can use it with ourselves as well. Because like I said, I feel like parenting is, is both we're parent. We have to parent. I need to parent myself actually. And, and that makes me more capable. Enhances my ability really to parent my children, but it's Acknowledging what the desire is like I'd like to sleep all day you'd like to just sleep all day or wake up when you're ready to wake up, you know and Wish that school would just start when you got up Acknowledging what the wish or the desire or the and then it's C is communicating the limit  The whatever that is, but, but school starts at eight or, but  I have to get up in the morning, even though, or I need to something, I need something to wake me up in the morning and it's communicating what that limit is or  no getting out of bed before 6am day starts at six.

That's the limit, right? Communicating the limit day starts at six. And then the last step is kind of targeting the alternatives. What, so what, yes.  What do you suggest?  With older children, I would turn it around and ask them what the options are, the alternatives are with younger kids.

We give them two options, you know, no sweets before dinner, but you can have you know, after we, after dinner, or after we clean up. So those kind of. Like age appropriate option, the, the, what? Yes. So there's that work though, if you, that you said of like, you figured out, you identified what the limit is.

It's like, and it was a switch. It sounds like you made in your head. It was like, no,   for business until  6am. So, yeah, that's another great example of.  By the way, I would like to give credit where credit is due. There's a wonderful  play therapist from University of Texas. He's called Gary Landreth and he's got this coined, this little, this little acronym ACT, which is A C T. Acknowledged. the desire, communicate the limit, target alternatives. And that, that is, again, it's like, those are the steps of the dance.

And then you've got to do the actual dance live and with the music when you're with your children. But it's, you're, you're so great. Cause you're just kind of  finding the next little, you have to find the nuggets. It feels like gold mining with you. Like you just go find another gold nugget.

And I think that's, you know, that will wrap up. What we're talking about is at the end of the day, you know, what we're trying to do is not educate children. It's educate adults, right? We're growing the next generation and they're going to continue growing even after they leave our nest. And just like I had to figure myself out even into my thirties.

You know, my children are going to be doing the same thing. They're going to find what works for them and they're going to become parents and be like, Oh, I don't know how I can handle this. I thought I had it all figured out, but these people, you know, these little children are, you know, changing all my dance moves and, and I have to figure it out again.

And then, you know, With time, really all we can give them is the courage and the ability to know that you're constantly growing and you have to constantly be educating yourself and investing in yourself and in the skills and tools that you have. I, you know, there's nothing else we can do for them. We can't give it to them and say, here, I did all the work for you.

All you have to do is follow, the binder, you know, on page 37 and you'll be fine. Life will be good. It's, it's really not like that. Each one of us has our own experience that we have to go through. We can  just be pioneers in the path of self growth and development and awareness  and have patience for the process, both with ourselves and with our children. 

So, Ariella, tell us how people can find you and where they can work with you.  Oh, well, I have a website, www. rainbowplaytherapy. com. Hopefully it will take you to my website and not somebody else's. And I do have a phone number and I offer online through, you know, Zoom, those kinds of means people can book times with me.

And I work with people all over the world and yeah, you've got me, got me going and we could talk all day. So if you want to contact me, I'm happy, for anybody who feels like I could be an agent of change and help for them to reach out directly. It's my, my passion is helping children through challenges and helping parents. 

Also have thriving relationships with their children of all ages. So yes, thank you so much listeners for coming with us on this amazing journey and make sure you tune in next week for another amazing episode. Thanks so much, Ariella. And don't forget to be connected for real 

And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.  Can you share it with them?  I am Rebbetzin Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.