136. How to Bring G-d Into the Dating Experience

Mindel Kassorla is an author, teacher, and matchmaker who infuses all of her work with a growth-oriented and G-d centered approach. Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman is a marriage coach for women in business. In her LIVE show and the "Connected For Real" Podcast, she interviews amazing women to enhance all the parts of our life: Specifically the four pillars: G-d, Marriage, Business, & You. Together they will talk about finding G-d in the matchmaking process.

 Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started.  

 And we are live! Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman and I am a marriage coach for women in business. What that means is that I love the intersection between marriage and business and how they pull you apart and how we can make them work together and how you can get them to support each other and how you can get them to be in alignment

in alignment and have a life that feels in flow. That's all the stuff that I do. And I love what I do. And as you know, in this podcast, we talk about the four pillars. So there's God at the core, marriage and business working together. And you as your whole self, the container that holds all these beautiful things that are in your life, right?

And today specifically, we're talking about the first pillar, God,  Our topic is dating. So what better guest to have than Mindel Kasorla? And I'm going to let Mindul introduce herself and then we're going to get right into it, dating and God. So Mindul, introduce yourself.  Hi everyone. So I am so excited to be here with Bat Khan Grossman, Rebetzin Bat Khan Grossman.

Me and her go way back to even before she necessarily called herself Rebetzin. So that's why I made that flip. We are good friends because we used to do graphic design together. So she is a multi talented individual who uses all of her strengths. And also a role model for me, cause I try to do the same.

I have a lot of different interests, but the main one we're going to focus on today is that I really try to help people find their soulmate and to build a strong home. on a foundation of God with that person. And today I'd really just love to share with you how I try to help singles through the dating process and that it shouldn't just be something that they're trying to get past, but something that they grow through so that when they actually do get to the point of marriage, they've gained something from this whole process.

That's my goal.  I love it.  I love it. I love it so much because yes, it's not something to just, get through like, Oh, I just need to, you know, check the box and be married. And by the way, I find that a lot of people end up working with me because they felt like they just needed to get to the other side and they didn't process the process of dating.

It's true in so many areas, Batran. Like it's, in so many stages, we just look at it as kind of like a pathway to the next instead of something to enjoy for what it is. Like pregnancy, like schooling, anything. It is such  an experience to build your self awareness and to learn more about who you are.

And I think sometimes we really miss sight of that.  Yes. Yes, guys, life is a journey. Every single part of our life is a journey. We're all inside a journey. Okay. So let's get right into it.  What do you have to say about dating first in general? And then we'll get really into the practical nitty gritties.  Okay, so I would say that my approach in general, you know, they called me a shadchan or a matchmaker. I think everybody might be hearing in the background, like some fiddler on the roof tunes going on now.

I, I'm that go between, right? I'm that person who will look at you as a whole person and try to figure out what defines you and yourself and discuss that with you. And then I'm going to try and find somebody who matches those values. And I think even the daters themselves sometimes get a little bit caught up in nitty gritty details.

And I'm always trying to kind of see a larger picture and also help them see that picture. So I act as the go between and my goal in being that go between is to really make the process as focused and as growth oriented as possible and to really limit the amount of pain and agony that can happen through dating.

Although pain and agony are part of dating, but they don't have to be so intense. And  as my goal, I really tried to be that person to make things softer and easier to swallow and to help this couple. Build the relationship or to have the clarity to end the relationship if it's not going anywhere. 

Yes  Oh my gosh, don't get what dating throws me back 20 years 

You know like what it's been 20 years but it you know, I still wake up.  Sorry, but I still wake up from nightmares that i'm like back in that stage like still dating And then I like wake up in a cold sweat and i'm like, okay Oh my God, I don't have to go through that anymore.  Yes, it was. I actually think that I grew a lot through the dating process because I, you know, you know, me, I'm an intentional person.

So I used to write down what I learned from that day. And I would really give myself these little mini challenges of, you know, even though it didn't work out, what did I learn? And even, you know, what did I learn about myself? What did I learn about what I'm looking for? Right. And of course there were the times that I got overwhelmed or it really hit me.

I remember one time I went out with somebody and I got sick the next day that he told me, like when he said no right away, like it hit me, I got a sore throat and I was sick for a whole week and I feel like it was So correlated like I know it was right because I was disappointed and I like here I went out and I you know put myself out there and  Such a such a hard thing to go through and so of course like me straight to my you know to my body straight into my Protective mechanism of like, okay, we're not going out this week anymore.

We have to take a break It was by the way, I think I went out with five guys in one week and that that was done You  So my body was already overwhelmed.   There's just a lot that goes on in that process and it's an intense process. And by the way, every intense process is going to have that intense growth.

Right. So like in business, they tell you, if you go into a launch, that launch is going to make you grow because it's an intense process of trying to launch a thing. Right. So I think that's just natural.  I just wanted to comment on what you said about, you know, after each date, writing down something you learned or that you gained and whenever I meet with people for the first time, I always like to say that.

It's kind of more of a cliche line, right? Each person you meet brings you closer to your soul mate. And I think people usually think of that in more esoteric terms, like God has this plan that you have to meet so many people until you meet your soul mate. But I tell them it's not just esoteric. It's very practical.

Every person you meet brings. out another part of you teaches you something about what you're looking for, what you're not looking for about what's important to you, and it actually brings you closer to your soulmate in a very tangible way,  right? And I want to say something. I'm not sure if it's about the number of people you have to go through.

Or if it's, you know, you have to learn certain things along the way. And sometimes I feel like if you didn't learn it the first time, you're going to have to deal with it the second time. And sometimes you start seeing patterns. Like I keep going out with the same type of issue, or I keep going out and something keeps coming up. 

What am I supposed to learn from this? Right? Because it's not going to go away until you learn what you need to learn. I was literally just talking to someone else's mentor, a girl who's, who's dating now about that exact topic that often when I see people start dating, they have sort of repeated patterns of reasons why they say no.

And they don't either that they're very. They're too quick to give something a chance or they're too lenient and they just let themselves keep going when they really shouldn't or they're very nitpicky about something or they're just willing to go out with anybody and there are these common mistakes and I always find that the exact things that they said no to somebody for in the beginning Often are something that they ease up about when they meet their spouse.

And it's almost as if in the beginning that was them and, and God sent them that person, and that wasn't going to be the person they were going to marry. And even though they shouldn't have said no for that reason, and it was, maybe it wasn't it picky, you know, but that wasn't their soulmate  as they went through that process, when, when God sees, okay.

You've worked on yourself now. Now I'm going to send you the person who you're going to be able to see in the right perspective. It's like you said, it's, it's not the number of people. It's a process of growth that when you've completed that process, then you're ready to find the person you're supposed to marry. 

Yes, yes. And  I think that, you know, in the, in the dating topic, right? There's like the four pillars and most of the things that keep coming up are the fact that we have to focus on ourselves, focus on our growth and be in the process, right? Instead of trying to get over it and just, you know, get on with the show.

There's so much to learn about yourself. There's so much to prepare. There's so much to create, you know, sort of like expand to allow for this. new abundance to come in. And I wonder if we're really aware of how much God is running the world, right?  Because we tend to be so grabby, like I'm doing this with my hands because that's what it feels like.

You know, it's controlling. It's, it's this grabbiness of like, Oh, it has to be done this way or it should be this way, or things have to work out, whatever,  and a lot of times we end up  creating or gaining a lot of baggage throughout this process,   today I heard the most fascinating thing. 

The what did she say? I was in a class with Leora and she said, we were learning Shahr Habitachon, the gate of trust,  and we were talking about making a decision. She was talking about  the fact that you have two choices.  Right. Oh, the fantasy of the unchosen. That's what she called it. And she basically said, there's two choices and   there's always going to be the choice you didn't choose.

So then your brain starts going into a whole fantasy about like, how was it supposed to go and what if I would have gone there and this.  So then we end up having all these thoughts and all these emotions about how things could have gone and how things should have gone and what's going on and this and that wherever, right?

And, It's exhausting. It's draining. And it's not actually serving us because we don't know. Yeah, I think that doubt is one of the most intense feelings that people have in the dating process. There's a lot of self doubt, a lot of, I'm not sure, I don't know, maybe could be not, you know, and a lot of lack of clarity.

So I'll tell you, there's, there's two pieces to that. I always tell the people who meet with me, that before each date they should pray for clarity and that it should be mutual.  Not that it should go well. We don't know what's supposed to go well. We don't know that this is supposed to be the person you're supposed to marry, but clarity that you ask God to show you what it is you need to see to make a very clear decision.

Like I think about it when I was dating, I would say, God, if this isn't my guy, then let me hate everything about him and just know with clarity he's not for me. And if he is, just let me fall absolutely in love with him and love everything about him and I won't have any doubts. And yeah, okay, fine. You can show me the bad stuff later, you know, cause there's always bad stuff.  I think it gives people a lot of grounding. And that's the second piece that once you've prayed for that, you're able to put a lot more trust in the process and trust  in God to guide you. So you don't really feel like you're making this decision alone. You feel like if I pray to God to give me that clarity, then what I see is what I see, and I'm going to do the best I can with what I see, even though it's so hard to make these kinds of decisions and people get really stuck on the decision piece,  a no is just as hard as a yes. 

Oh, you know what? I think a maybe is the worst.  Yes. Actually, I don't know if you're familiar with Aliza Ben Shalom. She's a guest. Okay. Awesome. So a couple, it was about a year and a half ago. I ran this seminar for hundreds of women in my community. Some were dating, some had daughters who were dating, and we had a huge lineup of awesome speakers.

And Aliza Ben Shalom was one of them. Definitely one of the most dynamic people we had on the lineup. And she did this really cool thing with the audience where she said, Stand up, sit down. Stand up, sit down. Stand up. Now don't sit. Kind of like squat as you're about to sit down, but don't let yourself sit.

And she said, hold it. And she's telling the whole audience, like, hold it, hold it. And then she goes, okay, now you can sit.  And she says, that's what a maybe feels like. We have such a hard time holding the maybes. Maybes feel very uncomfortable. So we'll either just go forward when we shouldn't, or we will say no.

More often, people just say no, because they don't want to hold a maybe. You know what is one of the most common things I hear, especially from women who are dating?  I don't know if I should go out again. I'm just going to say no, because I don't want to waste anyone's time.  And I say back to that, you are not wasting someone's time if you're just trying to sincerely get to know them better.

Don't be scared to give it another shot. Don't be scared. I have no problem with you coming back to me after two more dates and saying, Mrs. Kasorla, I told you so. It wasn't for me. I'll be like, okay.  So now you were able to say it with clarity. Before you were just guessing,  say it with clarity. And then, you know, if you don't actually find the clarity, then you end up having that, maybe I did the wrong thing, or maybe I should have thought, it's like so much easier to just be done with it and put it down and move on.

 One more point on that. I find that for people it's much harder, even though it's counterintuitive, much harder to say no than to be said no to. They would rather the decision fall into the other person's lap. And just like you're saying, if they say no, then they almost always walk away with doubt.

If the other person says no, they have very few regrets. There's not so much they could control. But if it was me, then oh my god, like, maybe I made the wrong decision. Maybe I'm gonna be single the rest of my life. It's very scary.  I think that one of the things that kept me going and kept me alive throughout the whole process was this belief.

And you know, this is 100 percent right, exclusive trust in God that God  has a plan for me. This is all already worked out. He's orchestrating, you know, the whole plan is planned out. And I just need to go through the motion, but I knew a hundred percent that I was going to be married to an amazing guy.

And I was going to end up at  the best place for me. And, and knowing that and just holding onto that vision and that, you know, goal in my mind kept me going. It was like, okay, so I'm once, like you said, I'm one step closer to the goal. But if a person keeps telling themselves. Oh my gosh, I'm going to end up single forever and I'm never going to find anyone.

And he doesn't even exist because I'm looking for a unicorn and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then that negative self talk creates the reality of like, why? There's no point. What is the point of going out again and again? And again, if I keep telling myself I'm going to end up single.  Right. So that's another challenge I find aside from the doubt, right?

Is the jadedness. Yeah.  I don't want to keep trying. It's the same old thing over and over again. Why keep going on with this? Each one, okay, whatever. Like I'll just, I'll do it because they told me, but there's no excitement. When there's no excitement going into the date, it is almost a hundred percent chance of failure. 

And, and you know, I think a big part of that is giving yourself healthy breaks is a lot of self care and compassion while you're going through the process is a lot of just self care spiritually, especially. really, really having like good connections, good friendships, good mentorships that are outside of the dating. 

And if you're sucked into it all the time and it becomes your only reality, then yeah, you do get jaded. You have to build yourself outside of that also so that you have something to give, right? If the only thing you have to talk about on the date with the guy is all the people you dated the past three weeks.

And that's like, really like   I'd  love to add to that. I think that you have to realize that you're still living, right? Like being single is not death, right?  Being single just means that you are single. That is just your status, but you still alive. You still have things that make you happy.

You still have things that get you all excited. You still have things that you like to do.  Please give yourself permission to love life and be excited and live. I remember  going to all these classes and doing art and going on, you know, walks and just having a good time with myself and connecting to what I liked. 

Because. It's the best way to, you know, just do the thing you're doing. You know, like nothing is your way.  It's like, I have to say that what I said before about, you know when we, when we talk about each person you meet, it's not just esoteric, it's also practical. So what you're saying now, I'm going to say the opposite.

It's not just a practical thing. Like it'll keep you happy. There's an esoteric spiritual power. When a person can  go through that time period, Besemcha, with joy. Because, remember we were saying before about how each person has to go through a process. So if you're somebody who just is like, I don't like this, I want to move to the next stage.

I'm not happy with whatever God gives me. I don't like my life so much. Whatever, just get me through this process. Then, I'm happy. You're not going to be a great marriage partner. Marriage has lots of stages and lots of places where you could get stuck or feel uncomfortable. You need to be able to show almost show God and say like,  I am really happy with it, with whatever you throw my way.

I have faith in the process and I'm joyful with everything I have. I recognize the blessings in my life. I'm just going to share a personal story. When I started dating,  I was very blessed. I didn't date for too long, but. The amount of time, once you start, it feels like ages it doesn't really matter.

It's like the pregnancy is eight months and then a year, right?  Yeah, yes, exactly. So when I started dating, I was really invested in it and I'm thinking, okay, I'm ready to build my home, get out of this situation. I was a dorm counselor with a bunch of whiny girls and no privacy and, you know, and I just really wanted to get myself out of there.

And then. I took a really big jump of trying to be more self aware and I met with a life coach. And the first thing she focused on was what is it you're looking forward to when you get married? And you know what I said? It was so embarrassing. I said, I want my own kitchen. I just want to be able to cook good food.

So she said, let's get you good food now. What plans can we make so that you can have good meals now? I wasn't having any time to cook healthy meals and we figured it out. And I have to tell you, it was life altering in that moment to realize I can have joy where I am right now. And the next month I met my husband. 

And there's no coincidence for it.  I felt like when I said to God, I'm happy where I am, He said, okay, great. I'm going to give you more.  Yeah, it's so true.  And, you know, I have on the other side of, of the coin, you know, people who got married and then are like, now I need a baby and I need it now.

And I'm ready. My husband's not ready. And, you know, and I don't have just one of those clients. There's a bunch of people who are really obsessed over getting To the next stage, right? Like when a baby is born and then they want it to walk and talk and then you're like, okay, forget it. I just want them to be independent.

And then you're walking them down the aisle. You're like, Oh no,  everything. It goes so fast.  And we just keep trying to jump stages. Yes, but that's the whole thing that if you can't be happy where you are now, then this actually came up in one of my meditations early on  we had to meet with our  future self or something.

And she said, if you can't be now, now you won't be able to be now later. That's what she told me. Now, of course, the thing that cracked me up is that my future self is just as makeup words as I am right now. So like guys, don't worry, nothing will change. I'm still going to be talking. Like I talk to me, making up sentences that don't make sense, but it was so perfect because like, if you can't be present right now, where you are.

without clients with all this frustration with trying to work hard at, you know, doing all the things and not really seeing results. Then once you have the results, and once you have the clients, you're not going to be able to be now later, right? You're not going to be present even when everything works out.

It was one of the best things that happened to me, right? Getting that message from my future self, because it forced me to constantly bring myself back to, well, this is where I am right now. And when I have clients, I'll have clients and I'll be fine. Like either way, I'm still, I'm still okay. I'm still happy.

I'm still alive. And you know what I feel like now that I am on the other side, and this is very fun for me to talk about, cause I totally forgot about it until you were talking. Is like  so many years later and I'm sitting here. I have a podcast. I have clients. I'm actually  Well, like this is so fun. Thank you god, right and i'm able to be present  Of course, I still have my moments where i'm like, okay, I want more, you know, where do I get the next one?

What do you know like that? That's a normal reaction but for the most part i'm able to have a schedule and a routine and a You know, my entire calendar is filled with all these things that make me happy. No matter what, like, it doesn't matter if I have a client or not. I'm still going to that art workshop thing on Wednesday, right?

I'm excited about it because that's what makes me come alive.  So I'll tell you, you just reminded me also of  a Mashal, a parable that. One of my favorite teachers, her name is Mrs. Dina Spoon Maker. She's a big role model for me and a mentor of mine to this day. When people are very growth oriented.

So they're generally not gonna be content with the stage they're at, and then they're gonna look towards something in the future. But she says that imagine you have somebody who is looking to buy a new.  They have a small house. They want to buy a bigger house, so they find a house that's for sale and they buy it.

But in the meantime, it has to go undergo like major renovations and they're gutting it. All those renovations are going on. They sell their current house because they're thinking, well, I don't need this house anymore. You know, this one, I outgrew it and it's, it's uncomfortable and it's gross and I just want my new house, but the new house isn't ready yet.

And she says, life is about being able to live between the two realities that you are growth oriented and you're looking towards the future, but you still have to live in the now. So, yeah, And you have to live with who you are today. So even though you want to be X in the future, right now you're Y. And if you're not happy with that, you're not going to get to X. 

You've got to be able to be content with the me now and be growth oriented. And I think that this is something that we have a very hard time with. When you have to hold two realities.  It's a difficult thing today that people want to just be able to pick and stick themselves there instead of holding both  Yeah, and you know what the beauty is with that This is exactly what we're expected to do right because on one hand god gives us everything we need We have this, you know total Promise from god i've got you, you know, everything you need you have there is absolutely nothing that you need That you're going to be lacking, but I'm also going to give you the want, that thing inside that wants more, because

that's, what's going to motivate you to get to the next level, right? That's, what's going to motivate you to always go and try to fill the lack that God created in the world. So there's this like, wait, do I, you know, if I want more, am I not grateful? If I'm grateful, then do I just like passively live through life?

I'm like, well, this is all it is. No, we're actually meant to hold both because that's how God created the world.  You know,  we see that reflected so perfectly in the idea of prayer.  Prayer is that moment where you say,  God, there are some things that I want different. I want this. I want that. I want, I want, I want.

And then you close the sitter, close the prayer book of whatever kind.  And then you live life and that's where faith comes in.  There's a time for that kind of questioning and asking and saying this is where  I'm striving or wish I could have something different and there's a time for contentment and we have to be able to live in both realities and know when to compartmentalize properly.

It's it's also so powerful in the dating process to see people grow towards that.  That they, they have a very hard time with any of the holding both. Holding both about two people. You know, to be able to look at someone as a composite figure. And he can be this, and this. She can be that, and that. And they're not a contradiction, and that's okay.

And I can be the way I am, and they can be the way they are. And that's also okay, that's what a marriage is. I mean, we are combining a male and a female. So they are about as different as can possibly be.  And you're going to put two people who are total opposites into a house. That's what a house is doing.

It's holding both. It's holding two total opposites. And that's why we say that's where we find God in the home.  God is in the home because that's where we take opposites and we put them together and we see that everything is really unity.  And that's what God is. God is complete unity. God is not just the dark or the light.

God is everything.  And when we see that two people who are so different can come together, that's, that's the presence of God.  Yes. Oh, I love it. I love it. And this is exactly what I do, by the way, with the marriage and business. I bring God into it and then everything just sort of falls into place because once you have alignment to the main core, then everything else works.

Everything else falls into place. Everything else just comes together so beautifully and. You know, a lot of people are like, I don't know what you did, but it worked. Right. I just had a client tell me this. We had a session on Sunday and now is Monday. And she's like, I don't know what you did, but today was the most productive day of my life.

Right. I did not much, right? We did a meditation. We did like, we did deep work, but I didn't do anything. I just allowed her to connect deeper. To God and allow him into her life so he can be a part of running the show Or you know more like let him run the show It changes your life and you don't realize the potential of that until you let it in and then you're blown away  So I I speak to my students about this a lot I teach in seminaries in israel, and I have students who are post high school and I teach them about You know, be tough on putting your trust in God.

We do maybe like a version of the trust game, right? They fall backwards, the front has to catch them. And then I always tell them this story and it gets them cracking up every time. So I hope you laugh,  but I tell them how there was a man who was standing on the edge of a cliff  and he's looking over the edge and then all of a sudden, whoops, he slips and he falls over the side and he's like scraping down the side of this massive cliff and he grabs onto a tiny little branch.

And he's hanging on for dear life, right, to this little branch and he's watching the branch kind of like snap, snap, snap, you know, ready to fall and he's like, Whoa, God, what am I going to do? And then all of a sudden, this voice comes out from the heavens and says, this  And he's like, Oh my God, I must've died.

Nope. No, no, no. This is God. I have the power to save you and I'm going to do it, but I just got to ask you one thing. And the guy's like anything, anything, you know what? I'll be the best. I'll give all my money to charity, like whatever you want. And God goes,  you got to let go of the branch.  And he's like, no, sorry.

God can't do that.  And that's really what our creator wants from us  to just let go.

Oh, let go. He went. God in that process and say, I'm really not in this alone at all. I'm totally being supported  and just realize that, but we have such a hard time letting go of our little branches. Yes,  and that's the control that we have. That's the grabbiness. It's like we think that yeah, yeah, God I know you know better, but  I really think I know what I'm doing, you know Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like my five year old when I'm like, okay, it's time to go.

No, no, no, mommy I want to tell you something. I want to tell you something. It's time to go inside but mommy but mom, you know,  we're like little kids who just can't admit that God knows better.  Oh, yes. And once we do admit, then it always works,  right? It always works.  It's just one of those things that  is fail proof and it is so hard to do.

Because it goes both ways.  At that point, there's no bad turnout.  Right. No matter what happens at that point, no matter the outcome, you're so  content. You know, they say that when a child crosses the street, a little child crosses the street in a stroller with their parent. 

So they're not looking around thinking, Oh no, maybe a car's going to hit me. What's going to happen? They just go.  And when we do that, then whether things turn out the way I wanted or differently,

 It's all good because I just trust.  Once you've accepted that God is guiding you, there is no bad outcome.

They're right. Whether it's the thing you wanted or it's something else, it's all good because God is good. Yes.  Yes. And it's a very calming feeling to Just be able to put your trust in something higher than you. Let me tell you something. I think that our conversation is bringing me very clearly to  recommending anybody who is having a hard time with .  Any of the process of trusting in god or you know with dating with money with whatever it is Go and check out the gate of trust This book will change your life and specifically I really like the one that chabad came out with It's white.

It's beautiful And it is so well written and easy to read. The translation flows, so you don't feel like you're choppy. You feel like it's just really reading,  easily and There's explanations on the bottom. There's stories. There's things but  it is one of the biggest life changing books that you can read Read  in order to get rid of God baggage and in order to realign. 

  Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly? Feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one on one private coaching is for and I want to invite you, just you and me, For a free deep dive discovery call.

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 So we were talking a lot about letting go.

And just being able to welcome God into the picture and kind of just say, Hey, I know that God's got my back here. He's really got this and I can rely on him. So we have a pass up that tells us a verse in Torah that says, hashleych al hasham y'havcha v'hu y'chal kalacha, that we should pass your burden onto God and he will sustain you.

He will take care of you. So I love that word pass. Because the word hashleich, pass, I look at it as an English acronym for P A S S. And I'm going to tell you what each one of those stands for. I teach this to my students every year when I'm trying to teach B'tchon, Faith in God, and I think it applies to any process.

The P stands for plan.  Plan and be willing to change the plan. right? Don't get too stuck on it. Be flexible. We should have a plan. We should be responsible. And at the same time, know that, you know, best laid plans are laid to waste. And  we don't have control over what's going to actually happen. And to be able to go with the flow and just live with it, with whatever God chooses for us.

That's plan. A, A stands for Assure  yourself that you can do this.  We get stuck in so much negative self talk that we're not willing to jump into things to take a little bit of risk. Dating has so much risk. You're risking vulnerability. You're risking meeting new people, relationships, risking potentially feeling pain and even potentially feeling good, which sometimes we're also scared of.

So there's a lot of risks here and we need to assure ourselves I can do this. I'm strong. I will get through whatever it is. I've been down hard roads before and I survived. I survived being rejected. I survived rejecting and it will be okay. It might hurt. It might sting, you know, but just like before you get a shot, you tell yourself  it's going to hurt for, for a little bit.

I can do it. I will survive it. So that's a sure, assure yourself you can do it.  The S, the first S, stands for stop reasoning, stop trying to figure out solutions, stop trying to be the one with all the answers. God is infinitely more creative than we are. Right, we have the holiday of Pesach, Passover.

I assure you that the nation of Bnei Yisrael, when they were standing in front of this giant  Yamstuf, this, this this ocean in front of them. They had no clue what God was going to come up with that. He was going to make it split into two and let them walk through. We have no clue what God has in store for us.

We don't have to come up with the answers. If a person is getting really negative and jaded when they're dating and they're thinking, is there really anyone for me, little old me? Could God really find someone who could love me with all my imperfections? Yes. God has all the solutions and you don't have to come up with them.

You just need to trust the process.  And the last S  stands for Seek. And that's really the beginning of the process. This is not in order of how you should approach it, but it's the beginning and the end. That it really encompasses everything. Seek God. Seek God in every moment. Pray to God. Look for His hands in things.

Look for opportunities to show gratitude, to appreciate the blessings in your life and where they come from. And just seek out the good. And be able to  live through it with God in your life. And I really think that this encompasses that balance of being involved in the process and also being able to take a step back and say that God's running the show. 

Yes.  Yes, yes, yes. Oh, I love it so much. I'll tell you what comes up for me. So I have the calm method, you know, connect to yourself, ask for abundance, listen for the answer and master a higher level of consciousness. You know, the only way to be calm through any situation is first to know what you want, right?

Connect to yourself. You have to know what you want because that's step one, right? A lot of times we think step one is just turned to God. But actually when you turn to God before knowing what you want, it sounds like I don't know what you want from me. I don't know. Right. Like it's very icky and the energy is not there.

So if we come prepared and we're like, this is what I want.  God, this is what I want. And I just want to know if it's up, you know, if it aligns with your will and if it does show me, guide me, help me, if not, then, you know, show me, guide me, help me to what you want and what's better for me. So. You know, connecting to yourself, ask for abundance, listen for the answer.

And this is something that we're not taught, right? It's like most people are like, just talk to God, ask God, go to God, turn to God. And it's like, yes, okay, I did that. But what now? So, listen for the answer is a really important skill. And it's being able to see God in,  His answers in reality through what's actually happening when you take action.

So, you know, you're like, okay, I'll go on a date and you go on the date and you get the answer. And usually like, it's extremely obvious. Right. And if God is in the front of your mind and is very active, cause you just had this calm. Experience, right? you know exactly what you want.

You're super focused. You ask God to show you, and then you see it. You're like, wow, that was amazing. Right. And that's usually when we get those  mind blowing moments where like, I can't believe God totally  did that, you know? But then once that happens, people get into this, like, okay, next, what else do I want, what else can I play with?

Right. And you get into this  wheel of, of trying to constantly get. More and more self development, more and more connection, but it's exhausting because you've never really taken the last step, which is master a higher level of consciousness. And that's what you get to, like you said, seek, find the evidence, celebrate it, be in the moment.

Allow it to just wash over you and  really fill you up and then  yes. And then once you're on the higher level of consciousness and you're starting to fly and you're starting to see things differently, it's going to be much easier for you to get into that rhythm again. So you're not going to feel like you're in the mud, trying to always figure it out all alone.

I don't know what I'm doing. Really? You're going to get into a really good place. And with dating, I think this is, you know, priceless to be able to be able to be able to lean into that process. So I love it that our processes are very similar, very aligned. Yeah,  there you go. Yeah, it really, it's very humbling to be in the position that I'm in.

because it shows me all the time that God is leading the process. Meaning the people who are dating, they see a part of it. But also when I see all the back and forth behind the scenes, things of like, why did I even know this person or that person to introduce them to each other? And all the different people that I had to know in order to know that person.

And there's so much, you can't help but see it. I really feel so humbled by it.  What? What'd  I do? We just lost you!  What?! My internet is full! My bars are full! Everything is full!  I'm just like, okay, God, we start talking about you and praise your, your name and being like all like God cheerleader.  I heard something great recently.

I don't care if it's recording or not. I'm just telling,  I heard something great recently that when we say, Oy, O Y, like Oy, we should turn it into. Only you, only you, God can make this better. Only you, God can help me out of this mess. Only you, this is totally you. And I'm just little me. It's so true. I hope I'm talking now and you can hear me.

Yes, we can hear you. And you know, what's amazing is that, you know,  In a podcast that's all about God and how we bring God into the situations that we're in and specifically dating, which is one of the biggest deals, right? Like, what does God do all day? You know, making matches, like it is.

So gigantic to take a man and a woman and be like, yes, you are a perfect match. Go on, build a home. And you know, and then they get married and all this stuff comes down crashing, you know, like all their, Oh, perfection. And Oh, he's never going to change. And she's never, you know, and it's like, yeah, we're still human.

We're going to change. Things are going to. You know, go wonky because that's what life is like.  And God is still there, still guiding, still showing us why it's exactly how it needs to be. And everything is orchestrated. And, you know, while we're talking about this. God is throwing us all these tech issues that make it so interesting, right?

Yeah, exactly. Interesting is the greatest word on the planet, right? It's not bad. It's not frustrating. It's interesting. Who wants a boring, straight podcast, you know?  Yeah, who wants that? Exactly. Guys, I am recording something like 50 something episodes ahead of time. And this is the first time it is happening to me.

So this is like the weirdest thing in the planet, but and my internet is usually great. I'm just saying it's not me.  Of course it's not you.  It's not you. It's me, right? We submit ourselves to a higher power. That's it. That's all it is. I was saying that when I see a couple, I have no need  to push or to pull or to nudge.

I'm like, I'm just a messenger here. It is not my job to decide who's supposed to get married. It is to be a. Humble messenger as much as I can. And to remember that this is totally not in my hands. It's not in my hands. If they get married, it's not in my hands. If they stay married, it's not in my hands. If they have a good marriage, it's all so out of my hands.

And it's very, very refreshing to feel that,  right. It's very humbling.  Yeah. Yeah.  And stabilizing for me. Cause it reminds me that in any area of my life, that's true.  In my own marriage with my kids, I put in the effort I can. And really I can't control people. I can't control circumstances. And it's just a, it's a constant learning process for me.

I have to say that's part of why I do it. I think it keeps me grounded a lot as much as,  you know, you have to deal with interesting personalities and give people advice, even when they don't want it and hear other people's complaints, but it's, it's a very. Growing process for me.  It really is. Yeah.  I love that.

I love that. And I love that you say, you know, for you to see behind the scenes and to be able to  watch how God works, you know, a little bit from, from what's happening. Like, you know, the girl doesn't know what's happening with the guy. The guy doesn't know what's happening with the girl. And you're sitting there seeing both sides of the behind the scenes.

Sometimes that's just It's fascinating because it opens your eyes to a complete new reality. And it makes you realize how much is going on behind the scenes that we are so unaware of. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And that, that's really life, right? Like God is sitting there making all the matches in our lives, not just dating, but he's matching us up with our job and he's matching us up with our friends and he's matching us up with every single thing that we need in our lives.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he's sitting there saying, if only you knew what was going on back here, right? And we don't, we're these little people with very little information. And that's why we need to trust.  Yes. Yes. I love it. Okay. Let's talk about how people can find you because I'm just, you know, super excited that we get to be in this virtual room together again. Well, if everybody can see my name at the bottom of the screen, it says Mindel Kassorla. with two S's. You could email me. That is my email. Mindel Kassorla with no space at gmail. com. I do meet with people pretty regularly. I would say that the population that I deal with most often is the Orthodox Anglo community in Israel.

that are looking to date through a matchmaker. So that's usually a specific demographic. If you're not part of that demographic, you know, I'm always happy to have a conversation and see where I can guide you. And we can talk more one on one about what I can help you with on a, you know, one time basis or a long term basis, but in general, in terms of actual match making.

So I would say that that's, you know, that's the basic population I deal with. And  I always love hearing from people. I love hearing people's stories and meeting new people and just expanding my own horizons in the different types of people I know and people I work with. So please reach out.  I love it.

I love it. And you know, you were talking about people who use matchmakers or don't or whatever. I want to just say, so everybody knows  there's the thing that we think is right for us, right? Like there's the thing that we're like, Oh, I'm never going to do that. Or, Oh, this is never going to happen to me.

But then there's God's plan. And there's a lot of times where. We can be very flexible and very open and sort of know that there's many options of finding your match. And, and I think that's very calming because you think it's going to come from one way, ends up coming, you know, right from the window and you're like, how did that happen?

And I would tell you, most people find that that's the story of their process. Like I have a friend who was meeting with matchmakers. And so random, she met this other really super ultra orthodox guy in her college classroom, who they never would have said boo to each other. And somehow they just collided, not physically.

And they, they're such a cute marriage. And then I know someone else who married her cousin. like a second, third cousin, you know, not too weird, but  they, you know, they were each just going into this blind. Like we are so blind and, and being open to  I guess I would say, you know, you have to make space for God by being open to different possibilities.

And I think people sometimes have this picture that, Oh, only certain people go out through a matchmaker. But really, you know, anytime a friend says, Hey, I think you'd be great for so and so that's a matchmaker, right? When your great aunt is like, okay, my next door neighbor's son would be so cute for you.

So that's a matchmaker. And when we started this, me and my husband were really in it as a team. we meet with people together.  When we started this, we were just setting up the people we knew very personally. It wasn't like a professional shop and, and I still try. To maintain that type of relationship and presence.

When I sit down with people, I love how, when they walk away, they say, wow, this was different than any other meeting I had with a shadchan. I really enjoyed this meeting. It was just fun.  Right. I really just try to sit and get to know somebody like a friend. You know, I think one of the things that that I was really open to is just, you know, okay, I'll share, I'll talk to anyone I'll go and I'll meet and whatever.

Like it, it was, I was very open and it made it easier for me.  In a lot of ways, because, you know, I went out with a guy who says, Oh, I actually have a friend. My roommate would be much better for you. And that's by the way, how I met my husband. And, it was super cute. Right? Cause like, here you are like doing all these like  twists in the air, trying to figure out how to find your guy.

And everybody's telling you, this is where you need to go and this is who you need to speak with. And these are the types of guys, whatever. And in the end, it's like. He was not anywhere near those places and if I would have, right, if I would have spent all that time going to all those places that people said, Oh, this is the type of guy you're looking for.

I wouldn't have found him there.  Right. And I think that was my own approach was that for my own calm and serenity, I met with, I don't know, two or three different matchmakers. And I said, God, like, if you're going to send me my spouse, Wherever it's gonna come from, it's gonna come from. I don't have to drive myself crazy to introduce myself to every single person with Hi, I'm Mindle Casorla.

Well, I wasn't Casorla then. I'm Mindle Zauber, and I'm dating. You know? And who set me up? Of all people, my sister's husband's mother. My sister's husband's mother, my sister's mother in law. She is a really wonderful person who  has a next door neighbor. Also an older woman who knew my husband.

So these two  older ladies are just schmoozing, right? I know a boy who wants to learn Torah and live in Israel. And she's like, Oh, I know a girl who wants to marry a learning boy and live in Israel. And they set us up and it was so cute because we say, me and my husband always say it was a shot in the dark, but it was such a perfect shot. 

Yeah, and you know what? These are the best situations because at the end of the day, it gives a lot of hope to the people who are trying really hard to control and to hold and to grab and I'm going to try everything. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. I'm going to run around like crazy, you know, doing it.

And it's like, you don't need to, you need to do your part and then, you know, play the game. But really it's all about trust. It's really all about trust. And it's something that we always have to remember.  Yeah. You know, my teacher who I mentioned before, Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker. So one of the things she says is when people think like, Oh, well maybe if I am living in such and such place, then I won't find  my soulmate.

Or if I do this, then I'm not going to, she says, You know, God has a plan. I don't really think he's sitting up there in heaven saying, Oh, you know, shucks Shira just did this. And now I have to rewire everything.  No, he already knows, like you said before, he's got it worked out. You can't really mess with that.

And by the way, on the flip side, God doesn't need your help.  Right. You, you need to do what you need to do for, for your own calm and serenity and being part of the process for a lot of reasons, but God doesn't need your help. And we have to remember that, that he's got this all worked out and we're just living through it and living through it is the journey.

That is it.  When, when we think we're supposed to accomplish something, that's when we get side railed.  We have to remember that our whole purpose here is to live through what God is giving us.  Yes, yes. And live through it with our values. I wanted to emphasize that, that I think you were mentioning before like what are other advice that I could give people of how to go through this process seeing God in it.

And I think a big one there is that if you're totally focused on an end goal in any way, arena, then you're gonna cheat, lie, steal and push over whoever you need to in order to get what you need, right? If somebody just wants to make money and they go into business, then they'll just do whatever they need to without any value system.

If your goal is to live a value centered life,  then. It totally changes the way you're going to go about that business and making money. And it's the same with anything. And especially with dating, we don't want to lose ourselves in the process or lose our values. We have to hold onto what we value in terms of our, our, our qualities, our character traits, our self, that we value, our religious values, our interpersonal values, anything that is important to us.

We want to make sure that we're living that as we go through the process. And if we're going to start getting catty or jealous or angry or, ew, why did you do that? Or why did the matchmaker say that? Or I'm so, we're losing ourselves. And that's really the most important thing that's going on here.  Yes.

Yes,  guys, this was a perfect way to wrap it all up is God is in control and your job is to stay as aligned as possible so that you can go through it and grow through it and come out on the other side being ready for the next stage of growth, right? It's like it's all a journey and we're not here to just.

You know click a check mark We are here to grow through the experience and really become the next version of ourselves and then the next version of that self so  Take your time Let it be easy allow it to Be guided and trust that you are exactly where you need to be and you're going to get to the exact person you're going to You know, you're bound to meet  and having that very clear vision and very clear belief is going to keep you from losing hope and just feeling completely overwhelmed. 

But can I just want to emphasize one thing that you just said, I am exactly where I need to be. And I'll add to that. Thank you, Hashem. Thank you, God, for putting me exactly where I need to be. Say that day in day out and it will be life changing.  I love it. I love it. Oh, thank you.  Great. Well, Mendel, if people want to reach you, mindelkassorla@gmail.  Com, right? Yeah. My name, Mendel Casorla, at gmail. com. I just want to put it out there that in two weeks, so we can have, March 17th, I'm going to be giving a four week Zoom dating series on Sunday nights, Eastern time. And if you would like information about that, you can also shoot me an email, and I'm happy to give you the flyer and tell you more about if it's appropriate for you and your needs.

It's for women only. And mostly geared, geared towards the same public that I told you I normally work with, which is the Anglo right wing Orthodox community, not just in Israel, cause this is international, but people who are generally open to dating through a matchmaker, that's who it's going to be geared towards. 

That sounds amazing. And just so you know, the podcast does drop after that date. So if you guys are listening when the podcast is dropped, then send her an email anyway and ask when the next event is happening because Mendel is awesome and she's constantly making these amazing things. Awesome. I'm happy to update anyone if I give another series or even just, you know, to hear more about you. Yeah, sounds amazing. Great. Thank you so much for being so patient with us and our tech issues, and thank you, God, for making us have the exact tech issues we needed at the exact moments we needed, and, you know, thank you for letting us try again and, you know, pulling it all together.

So, yeah. And thank you for your patience, Bat-Chen. This was such a pleasure. Thank you.  Oh, this was so much fun. And you listeners, please make sure to come back next week because we have an amazing, amazing bunch of guests coming  next week and the week after all about dating. And I can't wait to hear your feedback on what you thought. 

And don't forget to be connected for real.  Thanks so much, Mindel.  Thank you.

 And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.