145. How to Create the Best Routine for You

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started. 

 And we are live Welcome everyone to the connected for real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman. I'm a marriage coach for women in business and Today with me is Gila green and we are talking about routine and And you, as you know, there are four pillars, God, marriage, business, and you, and today we're really focusing on you and how you can bring routines into your life.

What you could do if you fell off the routine and off the rhythm, and you're just feeling like, ah, I can't do this again, or I don't know how to get into it. So, So we're really into that. Gila has a special angle that she is bringing in, which is the writing angle, and she'll tell you all about it. So Gila, introduce yourself. 

Well, first of all, thank you very much. Robinson Grossman for having me here. It's really nice of you to invite me to your show.  My name is Gila Green. I'm originally from Ottawa, Canada. That's where I grew up. But I've been living here in Israel for,  I don't know, a long time, more than 20 years, probably more.

 Let's not get too into the exact dates, but for a very long time. I've also lived in, in Johannesburg South Africa. So I traveled around a bit before I settled here.  I am a novelist. I have a new novel coming out right now and another one in 2025. And before that, I've published four.

So I have six published novels, a lot of short stories and short works. I also teach creative writing. I've been teaching creative writing for 20 years, and I'm a writing coach and editor. And also I'm a college lecturer for English as a foreign language. I have five kids. Three are married. It is not true that you can write more when your kids get married.

I have found that to be a myth.  And that's another one of those myths that they tell you. I actually feel I had time to write a lot more when my kids were younger. I think because everything is more scheduled, you're talking about routine. So there's a lot more of a routine for most people, hopefully, hopefully for everyone, but it's never going to be everyone, when you have really little kids.

And I think that routine actually. Force me to really write in very specific times, and now that they're not so little, I have a bit too much choice. of when to write. So  that's such an interesting point. I love that you bring that up because a lot of our listeners are telling me they are waiting for their kids to grow up to do something, right?

Like, when my kids grow up, when my youngest is old enough, when something happens, right? And you think to yourself, yeah, yeah. But in reality, it's not necessarily going to be any easier. And I think getting into a rhythm is more like a muscle. And less a time bound thing, you know, it's not necessarily as dependent as you think on the external things.

It's more dependent on you and how you grow the muscle of doing things and actually getting things done.  Yeah, absolutely. I bought into that too. But I have not found that to be true. Like I said I also think frankly, compared to other people. I was a very late adopter of social media.

I didn't have time for social media and I didn't really see much value. And now I honestly believe that I wouldn't have written as many novels if I would have been on social media. You know, I was like one of those people that  Would get that reaction. Like what you're not on Facebook, like sort of like I said that I don't  have a refrigerator, you know, like I keep my food outside or something that really kind of extreme reaction, especially if you're an author.

But I see now, first of all, social media takes up a lot of your time. And I  just didn't particularly interest me. And  I felt too busy. It wasn't because I was morally against it or something like that. It wasn't taking a stand. I just didn't. See the value it takes up a lot of time that I would that I used in the past for writing so we can reverse that for people today They should look at how much social and i'm talking about everything Social media just means everything Facebook, YouTube you know, Instagram, like everything, whatever you consider social media, they're all just as time consuming, in my opinion.

 And as I said before, when your kids are really young, you usually have to keep to quite a strict routine, or you're just going to have chaos, I'm sure. There's always exceptions, but most people have to have. Some type of routine and then therefore you just know, you know that every day from let's say from eight o'clock the house is quiet So that's your time and everyone if the last one's in bed at eight o'clock And that's it.

Whereas when they're older, I mean, you know, my house is quiet every evening at now  So I don't have to sort of make that Giant hot drink at five to eight and sit down because that could be today. It could be tomorrow Right. There's that flexibility You Because there isn't this only three hours from 8 to 11 where my house is quiet And then I know someone's gonna wake up around 11 or whatever it is.

So that's another issue about routine And just also I think economically when you have older kids you often again not necessarily But in my case you want to work more to help them out, right? That means that they have  Different rents and  different expenses and you wanna help them. So you might be motivated to work more and then you're going to be writing less if the writing is, you know, a novel for yourself.

So it's very rare that there's something that's kind of black and white. You really have to look at the whole.  whole picture.  Yeah. And I love that. You said you can assume your kids are all in bed by eight. I'm like, please bless me. Let this be me.  I have kids who are, you know,  I'm in that stage where my youngest is napping, but too old to nap, but because they have mandatory nap, he naps.

And then he comes home and is up until like 9 30 or whatever. And you're like, ah, can we just end the night already?  So,  right. I hear it. Well, I was really big on exhausting them. Like I was basically park queen, you know, we, again, there were a lot fewer screens in those days, there were a lot more rollerblades and bikes and even the,  The city where I live, the population was a lot lower, so it was safer to go around on the bikes and quirkiness and all those things.

Now it's more of a city and, I was part queen. I needed them tired, tired, and so that they would go to sleep. So we were outside a lot. I used to be park queen. I don't know what happened to me. I think I just got a little bit more comfy in my comfort zone. But that's actually one of my favorite places to be, first of all, for interaction.

And second of all, cause the kids really, they do, they exhaust themselves and they run around and they have so much fun. So it's so true. Also, it depends in different seasons, you have different things, you know, in the winter, it's a lot harder To get out. And in the summer, of course, like, you know, you could be out all night. 

Yes. Yeah, that's true. But I used to, you know, I I wanted those two hours or three hours. So I did what I could to get them and it makes them hungry being out in the park. Like, you know, they're going to eat tired. So again, I think now it's a little harder with with more screens and more screen options.

Yeah, you guys,  it's a new world out there. Our teenagers are growing up and it's a completely different reality than, you know, than when we were teenagers, that's for sure.  100%. Okay, so let's get into how can a woman or a listener   get into a routine. And. Especially with all the frustration of I've tried this before and I just can't, I'm just not a routine type of person. 

Exactly. So we talked about this a little bit before. I think the most important thing is to know yourself and to not look at what your friend's doing or someone you follow online is doing. or a relative is doing because  for a lot of times that's just going to Frustrate and depress you because you want to be like them and you're not meeting that standard So the most important thing to do is to look at yourself because everybody does something in routine.

It, it's, you, it's almost impossible to have no routine at all. The idea that you would,  eat at a completely different time every day or, you know shower at a completely different time every single day, et cetera, et cetera. That's pretty extreme. So most of us do some things. Showering, basic hygiene, eating some type of exercise.

Every day, even if it's that you watch a certain show every day, even if that's all you have, there are very few people who have absolutely no routine whatsoever. Even if we don't consider ourselves, you know, sort of schedule, you know, everything's on an Excel file, hyper organized people, we don't have to go from one extreme to the other.

So if you are a new writer, if we're talking about writing and you want to get into writing, could be, you know, it could be flash fiction, it could be poetry, it could be a novel, it could be a memoir. It doesn't really matter. It could be short stories, could be anything, be essays. As I was saying before, you should look at how you are with routine.

And if you pretty much manage most things, by yourself. For example,  you do eat lunch every day by yourself. Even if there's no one around, you know, there are people who wait, they'll look at their watch and I'll say, well, so and so is gonna come home. This child or this partner or this neighbor or whoever it is, someone's gonna come home in another hour.

So I won't eat right. You need that sort of other person or you won't actually cut up a salad. You'll just kind of  stick something in the microwave and, you know, eat something less satisfying or less healthy, but you know that if someone's with you, you're going to cut up the salad and set the table and make sure there's a protein and you're going to  do it nicely and properly.

So if you're one of those people that is more motivated by company, maybe because you're more extroverted or that's just who you are, then there's a good chance that if you're struggling to get into writing. You need another person. So today, one of the benefits of social media is that it's not very hard to find that person.

There are all kinds of Facebook groups called you know, looking for beta readers, looking for writing partners. There are just so many of these Facebook groups, you know, find one, ask around. Asking your library. If you are a member of some kind of synagogue or church, there's almost always a book club, or it's not hard to find people who are into literacy and reading and books.

And a lot of those people are also trying their hand at writing something as well. So it's very easy to find someone and either,  you know, you book a zoom, you go on at the same time and turn off your cameras, you turn off your sound, and And you say, okay, we're just writing for 45 minutes. I used to have a writing partner that we, that was a little different.

It was more writing exchange where we used to literally like 45  minutes, we'd write 10 pages and then we would exchange those 10 pages. You know, when you were really sort of struggling, that's usually when you're in, you know, what's called like the slow middle of a novel, you kind of have this really great start.

You've got this spectacular ending in your mind, but the middle is almost always the most difficult part of any novel because your canvas is, you know, 250 pages long. So there's that saggy middle happens a lot of movies. If you pay attention or series, there's kind of a saggy middle, right?

Sometimes in the movie, you're like, okay,  is something going to happen and then it picks up. So it's a, well known problem. And that's something you can do. If you are somebody who does go for a walk every single evening at 8 o'clock or whatever it is and will bother to make the salad and make the homemade dressing and do all those things by yourself, then you probably don't need that for your writing either.

It's not 100%, but as I was talking about before the show, people's habits tend to be global habits. We tend, we're really, we're pretty predictable. I know we all think we're really unique and sophisticated, and we are, but we're also quite predictable usually, right? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and you know, everyone kind of knows that.

So if you can do that, then you probably don't need it. So you just need to find those times and don't listen to any of that you have to write every day. You don't have to write every day. Okay, you don't. I don't write every day  and I've written eight novels and published six and I don't write every day I don't.

I have periods where I'm not in writing zone I'm more in marketing zone or I'm more in teaching zone or I'm more in in family zone or whatever it is There's a different priority going on and I don't write every day and I had you know, five kids under the age of nine and  And I didn't write every single day So, but you do have to write regularly people who come to me,  to write a chapter and then wait, you know, 10 months  is probably not going to work out.

So we have to sort of  get real with these two extremes. If you can write every day. Fantastic. Amazing. If you can't, writing once a year is also not the solution. So, generally in life, you're trying to like walk the middle path. If you can write twice a week, you know, three times a week,  maybe one weekend morning and two evenings, you can mix it up.

 One time you can give up your lunch break and one time you can give up a weekend morning or whatever it is. Then you should be fine. And I would say that in this case, people always say it's quality over quantity. I would say in this case that's not true, and you should try to set yourself a word count.

Like, I'm going to write, you know, three and a half thousand words, or  even a thousand words, twelve hundred words. Because it also is very discouraging if you are looking at a larger work, like a short story collection or a memoir, and you're only writing a page that could be discouraging too. So you want to break it down, right?

You want to say, if I could do five pages a week, that's 20 pages a month, if the average novel is 220 pages, so how many months do I need? I can do this whole thing in like, you know. 18 months,  whatever it is, so that it's very clear and you're meeting small goals. The important thing is small goals, achieve small goals.

You can achieve small goals, you can say, and then maybe you can up it. You can say, okay, I can actually, I think I can do eight pages a week. I think I can do 10 pages a week. Hey, that's, that's 40 pages a month. So all of a sudden 220 pages doesn't seem  so impossible, right? Because in three months.

You're at 120 pages. So in six months, you've got a first draft of a novel,  right? That's amazing I think you know what you said about not having to be perfect is really helpful for people who are perfectionists  Because the first thing you do is like I can't even I can't even finish this thing. So I'm not gonna start You know, and that's so sad because you should definitely start, you know, like you're never going to lose anything by  collecting all of your ideas or making notes or an outline or something, like get them all out on paper.

I find a lot of the things that I create are based on little things that I've written throughout the years. And then I go back, I'm like, Oh yeah, that could totally be a whole episode, right? But I. I don't necessarily think of it that way when I'm having the idea or when I jotted down that note or whatever it was.

So  also I didn't have a podcast at the time, so little did I know that this could actually feed something, right? So there's something really important about giving yourself that  benefit of not having to be perfect. I  mean, that is sort of a cliche that is true, which is  all writing is rewriting. 

Okay. So really all writing is rewriting. That's the process. It's a process. I think again, we live in a time where people want things quickly. They want them fast. Now there's so much self publishing. So there aren't the gatekeepers that there used to be. So people get an idea and they want the whole thing wrapped up and like, I'll have people come to me and they'll say, okay, let's start, you know, writing coaching sessions, I'm sure I'll be done by the end of the summer.

And, and we're meeting, you know, a year and a half later, cause they realize That  that first draft is out, but it needs a lot of work and they work, they have lives, they can only, you know, let's say really perfect two chapters a month. So that's what we do and it can take a year and it can take a year enough, but you have to enjoy the process also and not just the finished product all the time.

Often it's more fun to write a book than have a finished book.  Okay, it can be more fun to write it. And that's what, I think it's so this is such a good illustration for life in general. You know, starting something can be a lot more exciting when people find and stumble into something that makes them excited and happy.

Oh my gosh I really have to learn more about this or I really have to start doing this or, you know, even just whatever it is,  trying new things for the first time and sort of committing and you're all gung ho about it. And then it's like,  wait, there was, you know, there was the perfecting part. It's like, we're never done. We're never there. You're never arrived. It's more like now you get all of life to,  rewrite and refocus and, and almost  adjust what you've done or what you've accomplished  or what you started, so you know, that's when people get burnt out because they're like, I thought it'd be done already. I thought this would be over And it's like, why, why did you think that this is life, right? There is no such thing. So this is when you stop yourself and be like, okay, how do I make this fun? How do I make this exciting? You know, before we went live, I told you if this is not fun, we're not doing it.

Right. Because if I'm not having fun. Doing my podcast, then I'm not going to do it. I know that about myself and I want to be consistent and I want to be there  to serve and to show up every single week.  And I know I'm not going to be able to do that if I feel like I'm dragging my feet and having to do it a certain way.

Also some decisions I had to make about starting was I'm going to just show up the way I am always not going to do my makeup. I'm not going to put on different clothes or have to hold up to a higher standard just because I am on camera. Because I'm never going to keep that up, you know, like if there is another step between me and recording I'm just not gonna do it.

So Being really clear about what works for you is extremely important And it's such a nice point that you brought out like get to know yourself get to know what works for you Stop comparing yourself because those are all really great pieces of advice. Thank you. Yes, I think also something that's really important just because i've been doing this so much for so many years that it's important for people to hear is that even though I do have male clients and I'm very happy to have male clients, the majority of my clients tend to be female. 

And I wrote a post about this not too long ago, maybe, maybe six months ago on my site that I noticed that women apologize  and men don't apologize.  So  the first time  either a woman emails me, you know, a potential client, she just wants to know who I am, what my services are, or we have a first zoom. 

It's very common that they spend the first  either, you know, paragraph if it's an email or five minutes if we're speaking, apologize. They have this thing that this is actually really selfish. They should be putting their time into their, Spouses or their partners or their children or their work something that actually, you know brings in more income and Writing a book is really selfish But now they're either reaching a certain age or just a certain point in their life in general They've always wanted to do this.

They've waited they spent you see i'm apologizing. They spent all this time apologizing for wanting to do this for being willing to pay to do it and get professional  input. That's another  few lines of apology and male clients don't apologize. They're just, you know, they present what they want to do.

Can I help them with their vision? Yes. No. What do I think? You know I've never had someone apologize to me who's male  either for budgeting off a certain amount, you know, to get this professional input or the fact that it's taking up his time, et cetera, et cetera, And I would really like to encourage everyone, of course, but women in particular, to stop apologizing.

It is perfectly fine to want to write for yourself poetry, a book, a life story, auto fiction, it doesn't matter, whatever it is. You do not need to apologize. You do not need someone's permission. It is not selfish. Clearly there's something that you really want to tell which is part of life and wanting to express yourself and  just, just stop.

You don't have to do it. You just don't have to do it and it is not wrong. And I get so many explanations about it and I  it took me a while to realize that this was a pattern.  And only after I'd been doing it for a couple of decades, I realized that all at least 50 to 70 percent of women spend our first few meetings apologizing for having the meetings.

And I love that you brought that up because it's one of the biggest things that keeps you from starting a routine. And from falling into a rhythm is believing that this is even something you're allowed to do or worthy of doing. You know, if subconsciously your brain is telling you,  what are you doing?

This is not your thing. How could you be? And what are you thinking? And all these thoughts that are holding you back. You're going to self sabotage so quickly because it's just not in alignment with what you think you deserve. And this is something that we work on a lot in my coaching  is opening up to abundance and opening up to having it all.

Right.  This whole thing with like, I have to choose like, Oh, because I'm a mother and because I'm married, because I have a life and because I, you know, believe in God and I have all these other priorities, then I need to choose between writing and, you know, maybe something of those priorities has to lower itself. 

Like, no, no, no, no, no, my dear, God wants you to do it all,  he's putting this into you, you know, like you're saying, there's a calling, there's this thing that's pulling you, and you know it, you know that it's not you wanting to do this,  it's coming from inside, it's almost bursting out of you, it's part of God's will for you.

And he did not sit around meaning for you to take something off your plate so that you could make more room for this.  Why don't you just get a bigger plate? You know, this is what we do is how do you expand yourself and allow for more room and more space  and more spaciousness to be able to contain all the parts of you, right?

So. your marriage and your children and your life and also the thing that you're being called to do and it doesn't have to come at a price of anything else. Once you can rewrite that in your brain and really experience that, it's a new level of consciousness, right? Because now you're You're committing to something that is a doable.

You're no longer self sabotaging. So you're being really honest about what you can handle. You're being really honest about what works for you. For example, I always need accountability. Like I know myself, I love having a coach. I love having accountability. I have accountability buddies. I have accountability groups for different things.

I. Love it when people call on me to be their accountability because then I get to be all like, well, let's do it You know, and i'm a really good accountability buddy, too. So I know myself i'm not gonna go into writing a book all like okay i'm just gonna sit down and do this a you know, a couple of days of Whatever a week or whatever it is.

It's just not gonna get done but if I have Somebody who's specifically there to make sure I do it and make sure to tell me how to do it and hold my hand through the hard parts, you know, like you were talking about that middle where it's saggy and feels like it's not going anywhere. Same with life, right?

Same with anything you're doing. Business is the same way. Marriage is the same way. It's like you get all excited and then there's this middle. It was like, Oh, yeah.  This again, you know, like we have to get through it. I find that I need that. So I really think that you're going to allow yourself to do things the way that work for you.

If you're being honest about this is what I need to be doing and it doesn't have to come at a price. It could just be the thing I'm doing and the fact that you brought up this apologizing thing, which by the way, my father always said he was teaching in a co ed school.  And he said, the boys raise their hand and they throw the question out and the girls raise their hand.

They say,  Can I ask a question? He's like, I just called on you. Do you think you can ask the question? Right?  And he always, you know, he always told us that it's like so funny. Why are girls asking if I already gave them permission? Like I just called on them.  What is this thing? You know, and ever since I was a teenager, this was a conversation in my family, because it really is our nature.

To apologize. And something I heard from Rifka Malka Perlman, she said, instead of apologizing, use thank you. Instead of sorry for being late, say, thank you so much for being so patient.  It changes the energy and it allows you to just be respectful of yourself and also respectful of them. This is just amazing tip that I heard, but I really love it that you brought this up because it really is one of those things that can completely throw you off.

the routine just subconsciously.

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Yes, absolutely. And another thing I would say  in this vein is  when you want to do something, put it in the right category. So writing, because we're doing this kind of focus on writing, is something you need to do.  And there are other people, but this might stop them from getting into routine, is they've put it in a category of something I need to learn about.

Well, I don't know anything about writing. So it's workshop after workshop. I have had times where I've had to say to people, I used to  offer regular workshops, now I pretty much only do one on one or maybe just a morning workshop, but not these regular six and eight week workshops, but I used to do them a lot, where I've had to tell people, even though  I welcome it, but you cannot sign up again. 

Okay, you, you cannot re register for my workshop because  it's like reading about dancing, about ballerinas, or reading about guitar playing, or these are things you need to do, which by the way also ends up happening with my English as a second language students, right? Like you need to do something with the English language.

Speak it, listen to it write it, something.  I cannot just keep giving you, you know, you just want notes, grammar rules, and rules about how to write a paragraph. There's only so much we can review the notes. You need to sit down. and write a paragraph. I cannot keep giving you lecture after lecture about how to write a paragraph.

At a certain point, that's done. And it's the same thing with the creative writing.  These are things, and sometimes I think it's, honestly,  the reason why the person can't get into a routine and do it is this action is not in the right category in their head. They've got it in the category of I don't know.

I'm an accountant, or I'm a dentist, or I'm an administrator. I don't know anything about writing, so I'm going to learn about it for three years. No!  There's no reason to do that. You'll never, first of all, you'll never find your voice that way. You're only going to be listening to other people's voices.

You're absolutely not going to be listening to your own, except for maybe, you know, very, very short exercises, which are, are very tailored, and  in a very small space that someone's giving you the prompt. It's not even your motivation. It's not even your emotion. So that, that's another thing I would say is if you're stuck and you're trying to get a routine, you don't have the energy, I would check in my head.

What category have I actually put this action in,  because it could be that you need to switch drawers and stop learning about writing and actually write.  I love it. My coach used to say in her podcast, there's a concept called just in time learning like, we have this need to learn everything in case I need it one day.

And she says, don't worry, there's just in time learning when you need it, it will come up and you will be able to learn it and then move on. But if you're not taking action, there's no point of learning anything. So learn the first step and do the first step, then you get to step two and you're going to learn about step two right as you need it so that you can take step two and you end up getting a lot more movement that way and also you don't waste a lot, you know, we procrastinate by learning and sort of, you know, think we think we're doing something, you know, I'm planning on writing the book, you know, plan the plan type of thing.

And this is such a great point also. It's the excuses that we give ourselves of I'm working on it, right? I am. I'm totally working on it.  But I'm not, sort of, really.  No, you're not. You don't need to take three, four, five, seven workshops. You don't need to do a master's degree in creative writing.

That's all you need. If you want to get into the academic side, like, and actually, like in my case, I want to be an editor. So if you want to be a book editor and a master's in creative writing might be extremely helpful, but that's because you're trying to use it from a business aspect to help other people as opposed to just helping yourself.

I'm not saying you, you shouldn't do it, but it's not necessary. It's just an excuse. You don't have to Most novels from the beginning of time were not written by people with master's degrees  in creative writing.  You know, I don't think Shakespeare attended any particular school.

So,  you know, this just becomes, and also you end up that way with so many opinions and so many different rules and perspectives that I often find that those people,  it's then like they're trying to write like 10 different people almost. Almost. Too much stuff.  Find this also with all these trainings where you're almost trained to follow their intuition because that's the system that they came up with and now they're going to train you on this and now you're just a trained facilitator for whatever they're doing, following their rules, following their framework, following their steps.

And they train you on how to follow their intuition. But like, you can't do that. You can't, if you are here. To serve someone you have to be able to trust yourself and be so confident in your guidance, like the guidance you're getting through you and not through anyone else.  It's such an interesting twist  on all of these,  different modalities. 

Right. Well,  also to me, it really reduces your enjoyment of what you're doing because you're so busy trying to remember every single rule and approach that, that so many different people have put into you. I've talked to people and I'm talking, people can struggle with this for two decades. 

People can have a story, usually something from their childhood that they want to tell and it would be so helpful if they could get it on a piece of paper. It would be so therapeutic. It  Just  so effective and good for them in so many ways. And they're struggling with it for decades. And when I have a zoom with them, it's usually because they have so many different voices in their head already that like the whole original the natural desire that came from them.

It's like, what about that? Like, what just about that? You know, all those people you listen to, they didn't have your experience.  They're just trying to help you with their way, but that's not your way. And I've really managed, I'm grateful to say to unblock, you can unblock someone in like 45 minutes to an hour.

Who's been going to unbelievable the resume  of experts they've been going to. And you can unblock somebody really quickly by just, like you said, just giving them permission,  just, okay. Okay. You've learned all those things, but now let's just talk about your story. It just becomes clutter ultimately.

Like the anti workshop,  you know, now you have to declutter.  Whereas other people, like, who struggle, maybe one professional workshop would be what could just get them going. They'd meet other people, they'd have a sense of community.  Writing is kind of ironic that way because you do it yourself, but community really helps. 

So, hopefully, sometimes you can be in the wrong, the wrong community that's just shredding you. If you're just being shredded to confetti all the time, if you feel awful after every time your stuff is workshopped, then you're not in the right community for you. So, you can be in the wrong community also, you can be unable to get into routine because you actually, it would benefit.

For you to sign up to something and get a bit of a framework around it and some pointers and just maybe some writing prompts to spark you. And it can be because you've taken too many, again, it's all, it's that balance thing. Again, usually in my opinion, when someone's really struggling with something  and we're talking about writing here, so we'll stick to writing.

Something's not in balance.  So they're doing something too much or something not enough.  So you might be taking way too many workshops, listening to way too many people. Don't ask 10 people's opinion every time you write a new page.  Okay, you're getting way too much input or you're just trying to do everything yourself.

You're embarrassed to tell people that you even want to write. You don't want to show anyone your work. It's all hidden. So usually there's something out of balance. one way or the other.  Yeah, I really like the concept of find one expert you trust and  sort of lean on that because it allows you to have that inner voice and, you know, expression and things, whatever it is, but then you present it to someone who you trust knows better than you or is going to be able to guide you.

And then it allows the feedback to sort of  because you don't feel overwhelmed by it. You just know what you need to do next, you know? And so there's something really powerful about that. Somebody came to me and said, I want to work with you, but I'm also working with this therapist and I don't want to give her up.

So I'm just going to do both. And in the end, what I find is  you end up  almost contradicting yourself, you know, constantly checking. I, Oh, you say this, let me, let me check with her. Oh, she said this, let me check with you. And it's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, this too much, right? Because you don't have the confidence of just trying something fully.

Instead, you keep checking your notes to make sure that it aligns with someone else's line of thought.  I really like that. And then you can always, you know, take a pause, get a different, you know, different eyes on it or feel it, it, feel it out and stay like, Oh, this is not feeling so right anymore.

Whatever it is. But it's really important to just get one teacher,  start to follow, start to get into a rhythm,  and not overthink it. Because the overthinking is a lot of times what's going to really get in your way.  Yes,  I very much agree with mentors, mentoring and again, like you just, Intimated now.

It doesn't have to be forever. I haven't used the same editor for every single book  okay, because every editor is going to have strengths and weaknesses and maybe now you feel  you've got dialogue down You've got location down. You need more help with plot or you need more help with Endings  and so you don't you know, you want to go to an editor who's stronger on that Some people come to me specifically You For the Jewish angle, they don't come to me  because they think I'm particularly strong on anything, but a lot of people who  have Jewish characters, let's say, and they're not in any way religious, they're not even traditional, they want to make sure that those characters don't sound phony.

Sound realistic, et cetera. That's now called sensitivity reading. I didn't know it used to just be part of editing, but now it's specifically sensitivity reading. So you don't, you can, you can use different mentors for different aspects. I wrote a book. That took place in South Africa's Kruger National Park.

I am clearly not South African. I wanted that someone from South Africa to pick up the book and feel that they really were in Kruger National Park and not like it was this artificial  foreigner imposed. And so I made sure at the end to ask someone who was not an editor at all, but who I know went to Kruger National Park at least once or twice a year for the last 20 years.

So they would definitely know. If that was the authentic atmosphere or not, you know, you really need to broaden your view. A mentor doesn't even have to be a specific professional  in that specific thing. They can just be someone with a lot of experience and knowledge. And I wanted that person to read it and say like, this sounds authentic to you.

I didn't want South Africans to say, why are you writing a book that doesn't take place in a country you're from?  You didn't do it very well. So I didn't want that. But you don't have to be deterred. You can still do it. And then use other people's experience. There are so many things you can do that you yourself don't have those tools.

There are so many people out there today. It's so much easier to find them than ever. You know, I've never fired a gun in my life. I've had scenes where someone has to fire a gun.  So I find someone to read those three pages. Like, is this what it's like to fire? Because I don't want it to sound.  Right.

 You take pride in what you do in your craft and you want it to sound real. You don't want someone to say, Oh my gosh, this person's clearly, you know, sometimes you're watching a film and you're like, okay, this person's clearly never let's say had a baby, right? All those labor scenes where you're like, okay,  sure.

That took two minutes and that was fun.  That's not too realistic. You don't want that, right. They have to do that, you know, for certain reasons for television or whatever, but you don't want that  in your book. So there are so many ways to fill in those gaps that you don't have. It's so easy today to find people.

And you'll see that most people are so willing to do that and to help. So all of those blocks are really just excuses.  I love it. I love it so much. We could go on forever, but I think  we're going to wrap it up because we spoke about so many parts of routine and how we get into a routine, what happens if we get off the routine, how do you get back on, and it's all about just stop trying to be a perfect perfectionist.

You know, there is no perfect. Let yourself do it, messy. Let yourself take action and let yourself lean on people who can help you, right? So maybe it's a coach and it's a full experience of hand holding. Or maybe it's just a mentor who you turn to when you need certain things. Or maybe it's just experts in different fields that can be those go to people for you.

But whichever way, don't think that you have to do this alone. And I love what you said about community. Community is So crucial, especially because you're doing this alone, right? And your brain can just go into a whole goose chase about, Oh, I'm all alone in this. I don't know what I'm doing, whatever. And it's like, if you had other people who are doing the same exact thing,  be able to tell you, Oh, that's totally normal.

You know, I think that all the time, or I do that all the time. Or I'm also having a hard time with this. What do you do with it? How do you deal and whatever. There is something really powerful about. being able to succeed with the help of community. So I love that you brought that up  and just overall getting into a rhythm has to be about you and what works for you and nothing else. If you're trying to be like someone else, if you're trying to copy someone else. Be it in the writing style or in the workshopping or in, you know, running around like a chicken without a head, trying to do what other people are doing. If it's not the right fit for you, it's never going to work for you.

And then you're going to feel like a failure for no reason, because you're not a failure. You're a success in  everything that you do, you are successful at when you do it the way that works for you. And so I really want you to be willing to unapologetically be you and allow the rhythm to come from within.

And I found that, you know, you said before,  find the things that you already are doing. This is really good advice when you're trying to sleep train a baby, right? It's like, instead of trying to put them into a schedule that says in the book, like just  the first step is write down what they're doing already.

Like notice the patterns. See, oh, he's waking up every single night at this hour, or he is, you know, doing this thing that  is, I'm starting to see a rhythm, starting to see a pattern. What can I do with that pattern? Can I adjust it? You know, now you're suddenly working with your baby and not. forcing something new on him.

Same thing with yourself. If you find that you're actually not eating breakfast until 10 a. m. because you're running around doing different things. Oh, okay. So can I drink water at least, you know, first thing in the morning so that I'm hydrated and I'm not feeling like I'm going to faint. By 10 o'clock, you know, that might be the time your body needs to eat, but at least you're hydrated, you know?

So like, where are the little adjustments I can make within my own rhythm and within my own  routine that will feed and nourish what I'm already doing as opposed to trying to like, You know, completely scratch everything and change it from, you know, from the ground up. I think that's really powerful. So thank you.

And do you have anything else to add? I think in general, really just expanding on what you said, that you only have to take small steps. You don't have to wake up tomorrow morning and be a completely different person. Nobody does that. And if they did, it probably wouldn't last more than 72 hours.

And then you not only wouldn't be back where you started, you'd be farther back than when you started because you'd feel like a failure. So just do something small. Really just do something small. And you'll see how quickly  I don't want to get to Woo woo on you, but you'll see how quickly that energy of succeeding in something small will lead to something bigger.

I do the same thing, you know, with my college students, right. Come in on the first day.  I don't speak English. I'm terrible at English. I hate English. English hates me. And, and that's the end. That's the compulsory course, so they really don't have any choice. And  I really try very much from day one, just to forget about that.

I'm not asking you to learn English right now. It's not what I'm asking you to do. I'm asking you to do, let's do this one thing. Let's, Watch this one, three minute  YouTube and let's understand it. And let's look at how many words we really do know. Let's make categories.  Let's say the whole YouTube is 500 words.

The 100 words that we knew before we even pressed play. The 100 words that we remembered, so we knew them once. And the 100 words that this is not adding up to 500, but The 100 words that we didn't know at all. So how many new words really are there? You know, just constantly breaking things down, constantly breaking down.

There's nothing less intimidating than looking at a blank screen and saying, okay, this only has to be like 230 pages or so.  And it's just blank. And you just see one sentence there and you just think, forget it. Right. It's like a baby. You can't look at a baby and say, Oh, I have to turn this into a functioning screen.

18 year old like you can't do that. You'll no one will ever have babies. No one will have kids That's what someone's you know, someone's looking at your baby and saying how are you going to turn this child into a functioning 18 year old? You're just gonna be like, oh my gosh, I don't know. There's this no You just have to deal with this baby today.

So, That's such a good point and it reminds me of my free guide to unravel overwhelm Which everybody should go check out Download at connected for real. com slash guide. And it's exactly that's four steps to unravel overwhelmed, but just picking one thing and making that your marble so that you could start to see the dominoes falling into place, but the dominoes are not going to do it themselves.

It's this one thing that you take by yourself and start putting into action that will throw all the dominoes. To then start to move, right? So find your marble, let me know what it is. Cause I love getting feedback. I love it when people reply and tell me, Oh, this is what I'm working on. Or this is what I found.

Definitely, you know, go check it out. Connected for real. com slash guide. And I can't wait to hear how it went for you. And Gila, where can people find you? So the best place to find me is my website, which is https://gilagreenwrites.com/. I'm always updating it, all my novels are there, all my editing and coaching services are there.

And I also interview a different author every month on my site. So hopefully there'll be lots of useful things. Children's authors, YA adult authors. I do the whole spectrum. There's a new interview every month. So please come and visit me.  That's so cool. So Gila green writes. Yeah.  Gila green writes. 

Awesome. Very good. Thank you so much for listening and thank you so much for being part of my world. Don't forget to come back and join us again for the next one and don't forget to be connected for real. Thanks.  Thank you.

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