149. How to Reinvent Yourself

Nechama Shaina Langer is an Expressive Arts Therapist. Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman is a marriage coach for women in business. Together they will discuss how to reimagine our story and how to make new life choices and stay inspired. Join them live or watch the replay!

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started. 

 And we are live. Welcome everyone to the connected for real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat chen Grossman. I'm a marriage coach for women in business, and I love doing this podcast. And today with me is Nechama Sheina, who is super awesome and she's going to introduce herself, but let me just tell you the topic today is renewal and you.

So this episode is going to be airing during the month of the high holidays. This is a new year. This is a new experience. And we want that renewal to just sort of wash over us and help us hit that reset button. So we're going to get right into it. But first, Nechama Sheena, please introduce yourself and tell everyone why you are so cool. 

Yeah, so I am a mom of two teens.  So that's a whole new experience in itself. And I am an expressive arts therapist. So I have a master's in clinical psychology with a specialization in using dance, drama, visual arts therapy as a therapeutic practice. I gather women together in healing retreats, solo one on one retreats.

I'm always learning  new information and new modalities and they all connect to each other and they all bring some kind of new life force to the therapy room. And I always infuse spirituality  and just now I ended my weekly dance art, Parsha infusion. Parsha is beautiful. the portion of the Torah  reading for that week.

And so we embody. A concept, an idea from the Parsha and we really make it new for ourselves every year. I love that. Yeah. I love that.  That sounds so fun. Oh my goodness.  It is.  Okay. I love that you said I'm always renewing and, you know, bringing life into the conversation because I think that is part of what makes life so much more exciting when you can,  sort of press that reset and, you know, Revive, renew, sort of refresh the situation and your eyes and the way that you see things.

So I love that. Let's get into a couple of really practical things. What can a listener do  in order to really feel it? Because, you know, high holidays can bring with them a lot of  to do lists and hecticness and stuff that is going on behind the scenes. And it's sometimes hard to connect to that renewal energy.

So what can a person do  to really connect into that and really lean into that renewal?  So from a visual arts perspective one project that I really hold dear to my heart, which is actually around this, these weeks of the Parsha, Parsha. Which is the Hoshen. The Hoshen is the priestly breastplate  that the high priest used to wear.

And it had 12 different stones representing the 12 different tribes. And when we had a question of how to move forward in our life in some aspect sometimes we would go to the high priest and we weren't asking the high priest, but actually this Hoshen was like an oracle. This breastplate and the letters of the tribes were inscribed into the stones and these letters would light up and we would have to choose how to read  our answer, how to read this advice that Hashem is giving us, God is giving us.

Through this piece. And so we always have this opportunity to choose how we want to read the messages that are given to us.  And so one expressive arts intervention that I like to use is I ask people to bring their old journals, these old stories. The stories of our heart, and  wanting to approach them and look at them in a different way.

And sometimes we have to take them apart,  sometimes tear them apart,  re read them, and cross out lines, circle words, and put them in a new order, in order to really have a new vision  from the old story, so inspired by the old story. But create something new from it instead of being stuck in our old stories. 

And I actually,  I'll share for our visuals here, I'll share actually a Katuba  I actually  did this is on Parchment. And 

so I actually wrote this katuba for myself many years ago.  And I actually I, I encourage all my clients. to stay married and do whatever they can to stay married. But I got divorced. I tried everything I possibly could. And that was the conclusion is also a mitzvah to get divorced. If you need to get divorced and God forbid.

And so what I did with my ketubah is I actually created a loom out of it. I cut  in between each line  and I gathered a group of women actually right before quorum. So we're coming close to that anniversary. And I invited them all to help weave in  a new story to the next chapter of my life and not disregarding  everything that I learned from my marriage and having two beautiful children.

But weaving in a new story. So there's many ways to take old information and  make it new and make it present for, for today, just like actually in this week's Parsha also, it talks about the woven tapestries that the women have this chokhmat lev, they had wisdom of the heart of how to weave. And there's midrash that they were weaving, like the story, of past, present and future. 

I love them. Yeah. And so  kind of inspired by that.  Yeah. Do you know that I met a woman who actually has a group of women who are all trained in weaving so that, when the time comes, they will weave the, you know, the things that need to be woven for the third temple. It's so fascinating. It's so beautiful.

And they're actually working on it already. It's just magnificent.  I want to really double tap on what you said. Yes, we want all, you know, all marriages to succeed. And you know, who more than I. Who is like very invested, in marriage coaching and, you know, wanting you to really find a way to thrive and make it work.

And I love that you said, and it's, you know, sometimes God's will is that you just have to move on or, you know, things just have to work out, not the way you wanted it to be. And so, instead of fighting reality and being like, it's not supposed to be this way, just being able to. Move on to the next chapter without disregarding the past, and I think that's one of the most important things you said is a lot of people will reinvent themselves, and I see this a lot with people who become religious or suddenly, you know, change their Identity somehow, you know?

Oh, that was the old me. I have an easy example. I was a graphic designer for 15 years. That was my identity, right? People ask you, what do you do? Who are you? Oh, I'm a graphic designer, and when I pivoted to become a marriage coach, and specifically for women in business, I first, I wasn't even talking about my graphic design days because.

What do they care? You know, like it has nothing to do with this. Mm-Hmm. And I realized that by divorcing myself from my past self and my past identity, I'm actually robbing you, the listeners, everybody from seeing part of that journey and, and it's amazing when you bring all of yourself. Into the table, all of the parts of you and even the ones that you may be not so happy with, or, oh, that's just in the past or whatever.

It's part of you. It's part of your experience. It's part of your life. And it's so important to really enjoy all those different colors, right? All the different shades and all the different parts.  Yeah my marriage definitely got me to the next step of. Becoming  an expressive arts therapist.

I don't think I'm not sure if I would have gotten here without  the trials and joys of marriage,  of being a mother and seeing what it's like to be in dynamic of intimate relationship.  Yeah, I love that.  To like really pushed me to do everything that I'm doing today is like bringing women together and circles and supporting women  in ways that maybe  I didn't have the support through my marriage,  you know? 

Yeah. Yeah.  That was inspirational.  I absolutely love talking about renewal because  You know, a lot of times we sort of stagnate into something or things just get so comfortable that we can just sort of, sink into them. And it feels nice because, you know, sinking into a nice fluffy blanket or whatever, you're like, I'm here, not moving.

Thanks so much. Bye. You know,  it's so easy to get sort of stuck in that comfort zone. And it takes so much courage to even be willing to get up and  start doing something, take action, move forward on a new dream on a new endeavor on something that is coming in the next chapter. And I think that courage is   maybe you can help us with how do we leap into that courage?

How do we lean into or pull that energy so that we can really, you know, get out of that comfort zone. Yeah. So So one creative intervention is like taking old journals and,  you know, putting them in a different order and creating  this art piece with  colors, sewing the pieces together. Another thing that I do to encourage my clients to visualize what they want for their future year, let's say we'll do it around Rosh Hashanah, the new year is we'll create vision boards. 

And what, what are they bringing into  their life visually, so they can see it every day, they can be really inspired by that every day by looking at it.  And what is the physical and spiritual? material things that they want to bring in. And so  there's a lot of symbolism in images, right? It doesn't just have to be the house, but I'll share a personal story that I was living in Berkeley, California.

Very high rent. Right after I got divorced, I was living in a very small place,  650 square feet. I was sharing a room with my daughter. My son had a very large walk in closet. With a window  and he was just waiting to move and,  be in a home.  And one day I decided I am going to draw a picture of our new future home. 

And at dinnertime, I sat down with a little sketch, just very simple sketch. It can be elaborate with, you know, magazines and colors, or it can just be very simple. And I drew three bedroom home.  With the front living room had lots and lots of windows.  And I also drew a washing machine, a dryer, a dishwasher, because those were three things I have not had actually until  I moved to Israel.

Actually. And I made this huge, huge leap. I have this little,  right, this little sketch of  our future home.  And actually during COVID. August, 2020 with the blessings of my children's  father. I moved myself and two children to Israel. We made aliyah.  And not only did Hashem God give me   the home with the three bedrooms with the two bathrooms that were also in my picture.

Cause the kids were always like but Hashem gave me.  a palace  with a gorgeous dance studio where I gather women to dance in and a beautiful, the front room is my clinic where I see clients with an art studio. So this beautiful, beautiful space with lots of windows. It's a, it's a sunroom.  I love it.

And so this is a great tool to just, even if you're not an artist, just draw simple little sketch or get magazines, cut out your images. Cut out the words  and just create something to look at, to actualize in your life.  And don't remember to like, thank Hashem, thank God every day for all the details in your life.

And also to  share the miracles that happened in your life, you know? Yeah, I love it.  To believe that transformation can happen in many different ways.  Yeah, I think just the courage of wanting, you know, the courage of being willing to want  is really hard for people  because you get to a point where you think this is forever. I call that infinity pain, you know, where it's like, you think that this will never end.

And when you're in it, there is just no, And insight. And, you know, we see this with easy stuff. Like when you have a newborn, you're like, that's it. I'm never going to sleep again. You know? And, and it feels like you're doomed for life. And then they grow up a little and they're like, Oh, Oh my gosh, it just happened.

You know, it's like the baby sleeping through the night. And that's just an easy example, but a lot of the things that we perceive as, you know, painful or frustrating or just  never ending. The pain gets worse when you fall into that belief that it's forever You know when you fall into the belief that it's infinity, right?

And if we can just remind ourselves that everything comes and goes the good stuff comes and goes and that's why we should be grateful For it every second is here and the bad stuff comes and goes and you know We know that everything is good because everything is from god But to us, you know in this world, we're being realistic and you know, we're living this reality. We have judgments of what feels nice and what isn't.

And I think it's really important to allow ourselves to become aware of it. And then also catch ourselves in the moment, be like, as much as this feels like it's never going to end, there has to be an end in sight. And even if I don't see it, it's around the corner. It's really, really close.  I get a lot of strength from that.

Beautiful. Yes. Yeah. We have to. And you know, one of the other things I do is dream therapy.  So it's, definitely like looking at our dreams, our sleeping dreams, but also having the courage to dream awake and  actually, you know, in movement or dance therapy, how do we bring it into our body?  What we want to actualize and yeah, it's very courageous.

To even communicate to ourselves, first of all, of what we really want and really knowing that Hashem, God is limitless.  that anything's possible.    We can't forget to say thank you.  Thank you for what it is. We always start our dance with hodaya, with thanking,  and then with asking, asking Hashem to bring down  what  we need to Be of greater service. 

Yeah. And I think that's really important as a reminder to everyone, you know, just because you have everything you need, doesn't mean that you're not allowed to want more. And  when you start dreaming about more, it does not make you,  ungrateful for what you have. So a lot of us will, you know, put the two side by side and be like, I don't You can't be here and there, but actually you can, you can have both sides of the coin at the same time. 

You know, God gave me everything I need. And thank you for that because you know, you always have what you need. That's just a given. God is like that. He's so good. And. God wants you to want more. He put that want in you so that you push yourself to the next level so that you can serve at a higher level so that you could really lean into that.

So I love that we're talking about this because a lot of us will naturally fall into these beliefs that there's something wrong with me if I want more. Like, you know, I say, I say to people, like, you know, in this season in my life.  I want more. I want a bigger house because  I'm expecting.

That's why we're batching this, right? We're recording ahead of time. So at the time of this this goes live or, you know, drops in your, in your ears. I probably, you know, already have the baby and life is probably different, but   I'm in this stage where I'm like, Oh my gosh, you know, family is getting bigger.

House should get bigger too. I really love bigger space. And, and I think to myself, how is it even possible? It's like,  it's almost embarrassing to ask because. Who am I to say, you know, like, I'm already in a big place, you know, so I have to constantly remind myself that they don't negate each other.

They are allowed to coexist.

Beautiful. 

  Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly? Feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one on one private coaching is for and I want to invite you, just you and me, For a free deep dive discovery call.

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 Okay, let's get more into it. You know, specifically, we're talking about you as the container of your life. And I want to focus a little bit on that expansion. Because like we said, there's a lot of things that we're holding in our life. There's a lot of parts of our life. Like we said, there's your past, there's your present, there's your future, there's all your dreams, there's all the things that, you know, are, Almost like maybe we'll call them baggage, right?

There's  a lot going on and the one who's holding it all is you. So how can we almost  breathe a new, fresh breath of air into that container, you know, to like  almost allow what isn't serving us. to go and create more space for what is to come. What are  some good ideas that you have? 

So what's interesting you mentioned about allowing things to go with IFS, with internal family system therapy,  we often, you know, take those parts of us that are the baggage that we don't want anyone to look at. We don't even want to look at it.  We actually invite them to be our friend  because it sometimes could be like a child Right.

It's the inner child that really wasn't getting what it needed.  Usually that's bugging us and that's just nagging,  right? And saying, you're not good enough. You didn't do that right.  How do you think you're ever going to succeed? So we befriend those parts, those shadow parts. And  in order to  move on sometimes to the next stage, to the next chapter we need to  give that part of ourselves.

Some new life force that they never received, something that we need to feed ourselves. Our inner child  that was really lacking a certain kind of nourishment, whether it was love, attention,  being seen, being witnessed.  So yeah, so  we can be friend those different parts instead of just telling them to like, get out of here, get lost. 

Right. And we tell them, you don't have to sit in the driver's seat, you can sit right next to me and I've got you, I've got your back, I'm here with you, I'm not gonna forget about you. So,  yeah, those are some ways we kind of tend and nurture these parts of ourselves that were never seen. And instead of them becoming like a drag,  they actually can help us now that they have their resources of course.

We've resourced them of what they need. It's a renewed energy. Like this inner child can start to play  and explore, be curious, be creative with what is.  And then something new happens. There's a teaching from Rebbi Nachman that  Which means a controversy  actually could be a good thing. Like we, we thank God for everything, the good and the bad.

So this conflict, sometimes our inner conflict  with our inner shadows can be a good thing because something new can emerge from two conflicting ideas.  Yeah, so we see this all the time when there is conflict. First of all, it pushes you to sharpen your message. Because if it was just, you know, if there was nobody pushing back, then you'd be  saying the same things over and over again.

And it would be sort of  lukewarm and everything would be fine. But you can't do that when there's somebody on the other side. You know, pushback  and you have to start to sharpen your message. You have to start believing it more. You have to really be honest with yourself and get really, really clear on what it is  and that in itself is a real gift.

And then, you know,  if you get really good at conflict resolution, you realize that usually we're both trying to get to the same results and we're just differing. On the way to get there.  And so you allow yourself to listen because now it's not about who's right, who's wrong. Now it's just about which way do we go.

If you know that the fork in the road is just going to lead back to the same point, you know, because it's a circle, but you think we should go right. They think it should go left. Well, you know, Either way, let's just communicate and see where, where each one would lead, why you think this is a better way.

You know, it allows you to be a little bit more open without having to agree, but just listen. And I find that there's something really powerful about who you become when you stop feeling defensive  and  to really, really listen for listening sake, you know, just for, like you said, even just your inner child.

Exactly. Instead of combating with it.  Right. You know,  we're both here to get the same thing. Let me just pause for a minute and see  what you really want and you know, I want to talk about the pause because in renewal, it's very hard to renew when you're still in movement.  Or like, you know, you're driving 50 miles an hour, whatever, 80, a hundred, it doesn't matter. I don't know. And everything's just go, go, go, go, go. And everything's just flying by. It's very hard to  renew.  And I feel like a lot of us have this. Feeling like  I can't just stop everything, but in reality, if you stop and just pause for a moment, it's not even a stop, it's like a pause.

You can get so much further  if you just take that moment to,  you know, renew.  Breathe, meditate. These are all  simple tools that are free that we have. And we oftentimes forget just to pause and take a breath  and to know that everything's going to be okay if we just stop  and feel taken with our body.

Right. Even just in prayer, I find myself going from one sentence to the next without pausing and it's just because my brain is so wired to, you know, I already know what I'm going to say, so I'm just going to say it. And I think to myself, if this was a real speech, You know, if I had an investor  who I had to present something to, and I memorized the whole speech by heart, I wanted to be really confident and I knew what I was going to say, I would still make it sound real.

You know, I would still pause between sentences. I would still give it that  respect that it needs. because I really mean it. So it's a hard thing to do, especially when something becomes routine. But that's the thing that we're trying to break here is part of the renewal is rethinking, you know, a lot of the things that we do in route, just, you know, automatic and becoming more conscious. 

Yeah.  It's interesting that you bring a prayer. It's actually a practice in, in drama therapy of Reading a text,  whether it's Torah, Jewish literature from the prayer book reading and then pausing,  how can I start creating my own dialogue,  my own personal prayer inspired by that previous word, that previous sentence as I pause  and internalize like what is going on, how do I? 

really get inspired by those words and make  my own words just riff off of  that  in creating new prayer.  That's amazing. That's amazing. Especially since we're here to have a relationship with God, you know, it's like throwing words at him is not the same as having. And I think that's really powerful.

Sharing words.  Yeah. Instead of just saying,  Yeah, yeah, it's really  hmm. Take a deep breath everybody. Come on. Just like I let your 

Amazing conversation because there's so much to renewal  that we  You know, we sort of   overlook because of all of the physical stuff that has to get done or because of all the, you know, craziness around, you know,  And we have to make that time. No, actually, we don't have to. We want to, and we get to. 

And when you do, it changes everything.

I love that.

I love it. Okay. Any good ideas? Any other things you want to share with our listeners before we go?  Well, I'll share,  you know, birthdays and is kind of like, your new year. It's like the marking of your own personal  Rosh Hashanah, a new year. And it's a great time to also create something new in your life, you know, have  new invitations.

What am I doing this year? And so on my birthday, two years ago,  I named my home the House of Healing Arts.  And  because I love to dance I decided I'm going to dance every single week, starting on Wednesdays.  And whoever wants to come and join me is invited. And I happen to start  this dance  on the Parsha, on the portion of the week of Sarah, when Sarah, our, one of our foremothers on  the week that it talks about her passing is called the life of Sarah, which is really her death. 

And so  I was really inspired by Sarah and it's a circle of women dancing together. And so I brought in this idea of. It's the, the pasuk, the verse in that portion says, Nsara lived a hundred years, she lived twenty years, and she lived seven years. Meaning that  for, well, I took this to mean that she accessed all those different parts of her life at different points in her life.

She's able to access that seven year old, that pure,  unadulterated, curious young girl, even at a hundred. And  access that 20 year old, the maiden, right? At a hundred. And also was able to access the sage, the hundred year old.  In those earlier years of her life, and that we also have this opportunity of rebirth  of,  you know, so in our movement and our dance, we started in the womb, we started in child pose   and we went into, you know, childhood and adolescence and in movement  and knowing that we can access those different points to bring newness. 

into those different parts of our life.  And we've been dancing almost every week since, and inspiration of  that  chapter  of Torah every week.  I love that. And I think also, you know, the ability to access your hundred year old self for the wisdom when we are,  wherever we are. So not only do you have your younger child, you know,  in our child self, but you also have that older, wiser version of yourself.

That's always there. You can access.  I love having a conversation with my very old, sweet, like sweet woman stage. You know, it was like, she tells me everything's going to be okay.  She has  perspective,  she has a broad, vast perspective, and she sees everything from,  you know, the higher world. So I often therapy, I'll, I'll ask people bring in.

Your higher self, which is your old wise self.  Yeah. And also  she's got her priorities straight, you know, like  it's so fun to be told like, yeah, by the time you're my age, that doesn't matter anymore. And you're going to be so happy that you focused here and that you did this and you're on the right track and whatever.

 It's such a wonderful gift to give to yourself.  Yeah. Accessing all parts.  Yeah.  Older self,  the curious  child at play. And we really covered drama therapy, dance therapy.  Yeah, I love it. You know,  we're on a roll here, people. I love it. I love it that you use movement because a lot of times, you know, meditation is very stationary journaling.

You're sitting in one place and writing you know, taking a breath  is easy to do when you're not moving. And sometimes it's really important for you to realize that in order to renew, you've got to take action. You've got to move. You've got to let go, whatever, you know, whatever is sort of stuck in place.

Get up, get up and move, get up and dance, get up and put on some music.  Allow yourself to shake it off.  and and bring in new life into your body, right? Because as soon as you start moving, your blood is pumping, your heart is doing its thing, you're breathing more oxygen, all the great hormones are coming up, right?

So there's such great energy to movement that not a lot of people talk about.  Yeah,  yeah, I think it's really like we have a lot of ritual in our tradition. And in many different traditions, right? And these are all movements  to create this imprint and to remind us of maybe something our body already knows.

And so, we move  with these different ritual objects  and move, you know,  With our body. So we're fully enveloped into this idea. So it's not just here. It's not just, we're not just feeling it, but we're moving it. So our whole body is really. invited to be a part of this and there's greater memory.

There's like new synapse of neuropathways that open  when we have these memories of our body that we hold and move.  I love that. I love that. And in one of the episodes in happiness, we talked about  the different layers of happiness, right? And so like you could be happy in your head, But then you could be happy in your heart and really feel it.

But the real happiness is in your bones, where you just can't be still because you're just so happy. Your body just starts to vibrate.  Bouncing off the walls, right? Exactly. And it's amazing. It's amazing. And also, you know, if you ever have kids that are  starting to get edgy, go outside, let them move because there's something really powerful about allowing your body to just let it out. 

I love it. Okay. And how much, Shayna, this is so much fun. Thank you for coming.  Really great to meet you face to face, kind of almost. 

And I'll get to see your face.  Yeah, this is amazing. Tell everybody how they can, you know, be in contact with you, how they can reach you.  Great. So I have a website which is www dot mystery heart therapy dot wordpress.com. You can check me out on Facebook, which is Nechama Shaina or on Instagram, Shaina Nechama  and yeah, please come visit in Pardes Chana, come to one of my retreats, and I see clients on Zoom  and hear face to face. 

And I also just recently trained in ketamine psychedelic assisted therapy.  So both in Israel and the U. S. Ketamine is now legal. And so there's a few clinics that are opening up in Jerusalem and run Nana.  And this is really, really exciting work to see people healing in many different ways. It takes me six months with a client sometimes to see what happens in like a ketamine journey.

So lots of new things, newness,  new ways of healing.  I love it.  This is, this has been fascinating. I'm sure that we're going to get  a lot of  replies and feedback and amazing five star reviews.  Just from this, because first of all, five star reviews are definitely helpful, so thank you so much for taking the time.

And also, it's just so powerful for us to get the feedback so that we know we're on the right track and that we know you guys really are liking what we're speaking about. And It's just so amazing to be part of this community and to be able to serve in this way, because, you know, for free, you're listening. And it doesn't matter where you are in the world, it doesn't matter what stage you're in, you can tap into these things, because these are all gifts from God, and it's just phenomenal. 

so much, Bat-Chen, and this is my first podcast. Very exciting. Yay.  And kol hakavod to the work that you're doing and bringing voice. Thank you. And thank you to our listeners. Don't forget to come back next week for another amazing episode with a guest. And until then, don't forget to be connected for real.

 And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.