153. Nurture Your Children, Nurture Yourself

Keren Eliezar is an educational consultant and parenting coach, guiding parents through the Nurtured Heart Approach. Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman is a marriage coach for women in business. Together they talk about positive parenting and nurturing your children and yourself. 

 Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started. 

 And we are live.  Welcome everyone to the connected for real podcast. I'm Revetan Batran Grossman and I'm a marriage coach for women in business. And I love that intersection where business and marriage   meet and how we can make them work together and support each other so that you have a really good marriage that supports What you're doing and a business that supports your life and isn't taking you away from it. 

So today with me is Karen Eleazar and we're talking about birth and you and how birthing  your children  And growing yourself have so much to do with you as a whole. So Karen, first introduce yourself and then we'll get right into it.  Sure. And my name is Karen Eliezer. I'm a licensed social worker.

I've spent the last four years working in my local department of education, helping the English speaking families here. And the last year and a half, I branched off from there and I created a private consultancy business where I help families across the country and families looking to make aliyah

come and find schools here in Israel. And in my private life, I'm a mom of four little rambunctious kids. And I found myself really, just like you said, looking to strike that perfect balance that we all strive for. And I came across this amazing strategy called the Nurturing Heart Approach, and I became trained in it.

And so now in addition to everything else, I've been offering courses in the nurtured heart approach, and I'm really excited to offer that to everyone because it's made such a impact in my own household. And I hope to be able to share that with my clients and with everyone around me.  I love that. I love that.

And.  We met in real life, by the way. So this is really fun.  I can't say that about every single one of my guests, but some of them are just special. So I wanted you guys to all know that. Karen, let's talk about the nurtured heart approach. What is it and why is it going to help us? With the transition between birth and going from just being ourselves to having a kid or having three kids to suddenly having four or having seven and suddenly having eight, you could say, you know, I'm talking totally about me now,  as you guys know, I am in that transition right now.

 And yeah, I think that every single time is another birth and another experience and another transition. So let's talk about what are the skills and the tools that you can give us for that.  Right. And resetting yourself. We spoke about this, how I've essentially doubled the family that I grew up with.

I'm one of two, my husband's one of two. We don't know what the rule book looks like for a family of four kids. You know, we have no clue what we're doing. So when I came across the natural heart approach, I was like, yes, finally, a playbook with plays, with strategies. Like I felt like suddenly the control was being returned to the rightful owner and that my kids weren't calling the shots.

which was so amazing about it. So it was developed. It's a strategy that was developed in the States in the nineties. And it was originally developed to deal with really intense kids, like kids who were just off the walls. The system didn't know what to do with them. No one could handle them. They were throwing drugs at them left and right.

And this was considered a strategy, a holistic strategy. To to try to incorporate the kid and build the kid up for me. I see it as very much dual sided that it's building the child up at the same time that it's building you up and building a space for the parent to be in the relationship so that the relationship isn't only child centered child focused.

It's more about the give and take between the two of you instead of it constantly being a relationship about giving and not taking. And that's the beauty in it. And that's, what's amazing. And like you said, every time we add a new tiny little soul into this world, we need to rethink our strategy, rethink our lives, everything gets shuffled. It's very akin  to dance, like, how do we, you know, we get out of line, we get out of step for a little bit and then we have to do that dance all over again. And, and when everyone's doing the moves and we're all working, it's beautiful and it works together. And then sometimes, you know, everyone trips up a little bit and then we have to find our place again.

So, So that's really what it's all about.  Oh my gosh. So you say you guys were two and two, and then you suddenly had four. My husband and I are both from families of four kids. So when we, you know, when I imagined it, I was like, Oh, four kids is the perfect number. And he was like, yeah, I grew up with four kids and now we're going on to eight.

It's like, how did this happen? Amazing. Thank God. And you know what? It just, it's amazing. You're making it up as you go, and that's the thing. I'm a very structured individual. We just spoke about this. I'm very structured. I need rules. I need a framework. And when my kid starts throwing a tantrum, and I'm just, I'm, I was, there were times in my house.

I think after child number three, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I had one particularly intense child. I didn't know what was going to set that child off. I, you know, I could be, I don't know, chopping vegetables in the kitchen and then hear a complete meltdown in a corner and be like, what just happened?

Like I had no clue what just happened. And I didn't have a toolbox. I did not know how to handle it. And now, you know, with, For I feel like I have this amazing toolbox and not only do I have the tools, I have a village. I have my village. I have my people to turn to who get me who know what it's about and know how I want to build up my child.

And of course that intense child changes, right? It's not always the same intense child in the house. Like there's, it flows, like, just like you're doing the dance with one child, you're doing the dance with the other kids, and the one who's pushing your buttons today might not be the one who's pushing your buttons tomorrow.

But there's always going to be one child that knows just how to push your buttons. And it's amazing to have this tool. toolbox to be like, Oh, she's doing that. Okay, now I'm going to do that. He's doing that. Now I'm going to do that. And just to do this dance with them. And at the same time that you're working on the relationship, you're building yourself and making space for yourself within the relationship and you're building them up.

Which is so great. You're giving them the same tools that you're building in yourself.  You're setting those tools  into your children. And then they go out into the world and they have this resiliency because they develop this inner wealth.  The literature talks a lot about building inner wealth, which to me, I think about as positive midot, you know, like we're always trying to build those positive traits and our children.

So, so it's very congruent.  The whole strategy is also very congruent with with, you know, and with the Torah observant lifestyle in that  we're building the child up from the inside out. We want them to see what's beautiful, what they're great in.  And by continually focusing on the positive and making sure that they know what's the truth.

So amazing about themselves and reminding us because sometimes we get so bogged down in what's going wrong. We don't always remember what's going right. So having it always focused on what's going right, how things are going well, how things have improved.  It just, it changes the whole atmosphere in the house and it sets the child up for success, which is just so amazing.

I love it. And you know what? I also, you know, you said it started with. The explosive children, the ones that were super intense, but at the end of the day, they're the ones that push you to come up with the best skills that are going to help everyone else. Right? So you can use the same skills on every kid, no matter what intensity level they have.

And by the way, It, you know, just because a kid isn't intense on the outside doesn't mean that they don't have intense emotions and an intense experience on the inside. So it's really important from my experience, what I've been seeing is that each one of my kids has an inner world that's so different and I am taking the time consciously and intentionally to tap into each one of their styles, no matter how.

intense or almost like,  you know, there's some kids who just know how to get your attention and some kids that could just sort of slip through if you don't pay attention. So I find that it's really important to notice every single one. And when you talk about not only growing the child, but also growing the parent.

Here's where we really get good because that's, that's where the money is at, right? That's where the power lies.  Right. Right. So you don't, I found when, after my third child, I found that I was  having a lot of feelings of being resentful, being angry. I wasn't happy with the situation. I wasn't happy with the way I was parenting, but I also also wasn't happy with the way I felt at the end of the day after parenting.

And and having this strategy makes me confident that I'm making the right choices as a parent makes me confident that I'm building up my children, but also makes me confident that I'm creating space in that relationship where I feel good about myself and I'm not Finishing the day angry that I didn't get to do X, Y, Z or that it was all about them and it wasn't about me.

And you spoke about the time that it takes, you know, it's, it, we always have to be there for our kids. It requires being so vigilant, but when things are going well, when things are going smooth, you put in the time, and it's worth. A million bucks compared to a shouting match, screaming, you know, lecturing, wagging your finger in the face.

Think about how much time you've invested in lecturing your Children. Okay. Now take that same amount of time and think about saying what's going right. You know, what did they do today? Oh, you came upstairs and you ate breakfast. Wow You know, I didn't have to remind you you took it out yourself and you sat and you ate that shows maturity that shows responsibility That shows that you care about my time that you're respectful and it's not that they're building up They're not wondering.

What  does it mean to be respectful? How do I become respectful? It's oh I already have that within myself You All I did was come downstairs and eat breakfast, but you're telling me that I'm respectful and that character trait, that positive mitot already exists within me, within my character.

It's not something that I have to go and find and wonder, how do I achieve? It's there and I just need to bring it out.  It just needs to be groomed out of me. And that's really what it's about, about showing every child their greatness from the inside out. And with that, I feel like the parent also grows.

Like I'm also discovering new things about myself. Like I said, I felt like after three, four kids, my life was getting messy. Things were getting messy and I need structure. And how do I thrive? And suddenly I'm a teacher. Exploring and discovering like, oh, hey, I have patience like that exists with inside of me You know, I can be patient with the mess and figure it out. And  you know the other thing that it grows their vocabulary  the Unintended benefit, you know, I've told my kids wow, you're so diligent and they look at me.

They're like  Diligent mean? What do you mean by diligent? Which goes up into another side conversation. But it's really about  showing up, just showing up and not just with a good job or a way to go showing up with very, very  specific criteria that shows the child that you mean business, that you're there, that you see them doing whatever it is that they're doing.

And that's already amazing that they just need to be them. They just need to be there. And that is greatness in and of itself, that they're there.  Right. I love that. I love that you say be specific because, you know, one time I was in a parenting class and they said, imagine giving your kids like a hundred dollar bill, like to them, that means nothing.

But if you give them a bunch of coins and you tell them, you know, Oh, this is great. Oh my gosh, I have so much money. Right. So a kid that age, they really, really need you to. Really get the details out and put it out in their face for them to understand and appreciate.  And they want to know because it's all about the relationship.

What do children crave the most? They crave a connection with their mom and with their dad and with all the important people in their lives. They just want that connection. So they want to know.  That you're the one presenting that information that you're, you're laying it out for them and that you're genuine about it.

It needs to come from a place of authenticity and, and being genuine. If you just say, you know, with your back turned to them while you're busy getting dinner together, honey,  leave you for a second. You really need to tune in and to slow down again. It's about being hyper vigilant But if you take the 5 10 minutes out of your day to be super inquisitive and super vigilant The rest of the day will go so smoothly and you will be questioning What were you doing lecturing your child for 5 minutes 10 minutes, you know every time they did something wrong when you can take the same Energy take that hundred dollar bill and hand it out for something good you Instead of something bad and just change the whole flow of energy in your household and it makes the world of difference. 

I love it. I love it.  Yes. So the approach has three stands and the term  stand is used intentionally stand. There's no wishy washy to it. It's a stand, you know, you can't, there's not a gray line.  There's nothing gray about it. It's very black and white. And the first stand is absolutely no.

So the idea is to take out all the negativity. Take out everything negative about the day and it's very different than ignoring If a child is behaving in a way that you don't appreciate you don't ignore them You still need to show up. You still need to be there, but you need to take every opportunity Of them doing something right to point it out to them to say wow.

I see you're calming yourself down Wow, I see you put your plate away, even though you're angry at me It shows me that you can  still be respectful despite being upset You You know, you can prioritize, you can structure your feelings in such a way that I know you're upset at me and I can recognize that, or you still have the maturity to respect the household, you know, learning to  show up even if you're not.

They're doing something that you don't approve of in a way that doesn't highlight the negativity, just taking the no out completely. And it's like a deck of cards. Once you're able to, like, think about building, you know, a house out of a deck of cards, the whole thing will collapse if it doesn't have the base.

So you need to start by taking out the negativity once you've successfully achieved that then you go into Bringing in the positive to bringing in a positive in a way that is uncomfortable For you. I know for me. It's so uncomfortable. I was never a cheerleader growing up I was never like I didn't work as a teacher.

I didn't work as a babysitter like I was never in the field where I had to be like Whoa, you're amazing. You know, when you drop your kid off at preschool  and the preschool teacher is like, you have such an amazing child. They're a genius. They are beautiful. And they're amazing. And you're like, really?

The kid who spilled his milk this morning and pinched his little sister and was picking his nose in the car on the way here. Like, that's amazing. That's what you're telling me is this like amazing, like, that was just not me. That's not my style. This pushes you outside your comfort zone to use a vocabulary that maybe is new for you, that maybe is uncomfortable for you, but you see that it opens doors that maybe We're not even, you know, I know for me a few years ago, I didn't even know that that door existed.

I did not know that we could function in this way. But in order for that to happen, you have to take out the negativity. You have to take out any ounce of doubt. And that in and of itself is a huge, massive step. step. And so once you have no negativity, once you're constantly building up the positive, then the third step is to be absolutely clear, absolutely clear.

What does that mean? There are boundaries, there are rules and it looks different for every family. And this is where you come in. This is  where you want to be. And the relationship comes in. I know that in my house. I don't want to see a TV, a device, a phone on after a certain hour. I need peace and quiet.

I don't need music in the background. I don't need shows in the background. I, so we have a certain hour where all the devices shut down. That is a clear rule. And that is a rule that respects me, that respects who I am, that respects what I need as a person in the relationship. And so my children know that after an hour, after a certain hour, those devices need to go off. 

That is clear to them. And when I come to them at that hour and say, okay, it's done. There's no negotiating. There's no, but five more minutes, mom, or I want to finish my episode or, but I didn't get to do this, this and that. It's like, no, this is the hour. This is what's happening. Boom, done. And there's no energy towards that.

I'm not getting excited. I'm not in a way  that is building up the positive. I'm not yelling at them saying, no, it's this hour. You said you were supposed to get off of it. You're getting off it now. It's just constantly reinforcing without any negative energy. This is happening. This is what's going on.

And, and the rule has been clarified ahead of time. They know that that is a rule. So absolute clarity. And a lot of anecdotes are given throughout the literature. And one of them that I really, really like is a video game analogy. So think about your life as a video game. If the kid loses the round,  they're so excited.

They're so excited about the video game that they want to get back in. And so the video game is constantly building them up. It's constantly giving them bells and whistles and points and all kinds of things when they're doing something wrong. When they do something wrong, it's not saying, Oh, we'll take another five minutes or lecturing them for another five minutes or, or pointing out all their faults.

It's just like a wah, wah, wah, wah. And then they can start over again. Then they want to hop right back into the game.  And it's the same idea here that if you have absolutely clear boundaries that you are reinforcing without any negativity, and instead you're making the time in the time that they're with you so rich and so exciting, all those bells and whistles, the second that you tell them, you know, the rounds up, you're done, you know, turn off the device, they want to get back in the game because they know that the energy comes from interacting with you.

Interacting with you in a positive way. They know that they're going to be getting positive feedback from every time they engage with you. And, and again, what does a child want more than anything else in this world? To have that relationship. They crave that relationship with their parents.  And so if you make that relationship based on building them up, building up their character, building up their self worth, they're going to keep coming back for more and more and more in ways  that you're going to love instead of them pushing your buttons all the time, which is exactly what was happening to me.

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Now back to the show. 

  Oh, I love it. I love that you're saying there's this, you know, three stands. The things that really are non negotiable,  but You know, and I'm saying this for the sake of all of us listeners and me. There's a certain addiction to the negativity, you know, we're so used to it.

We, we like, it's almost like this  drama thing and it's a loop and it's a thing that we get into and it's really hard to stop yourself and all these thoughts  and beliefs that we have behind the scenes.  It is so much more. You know it's the easy way out, right? Like you think, okay, I'll just say no.

And I'll get them that I need to, they need to understand blah, blah, blah. Right. All the lecturing. And we do it because we're lazy, you know, because taking the time to be positive, like you said,  I don't know if I have the vocabulary and the ability to speak to a child the way that you modeled, right?

And that's not true because here I am on a podcast. I didn't think I had the vocabulary and the ability to speak for so long. And we're already in like episode a hundred and I don't know what, so, you know, it's a belief that's totally false. And I totally understand that in my head, but when it comes to the.

You know, moment of truth is so hard to disconnect from the negativity and to push yourself past to have a meaningful conversation,  right? So parenting is a skill just like anything else and think about how much time we invest in all these other wonderful skills that we have. How much I don't know. I like to cook.

I like to do yoga Like i've gone out and i've done trainings and courses and all of this. I have multiple degrees I've invested so much in my education and in my hobbies Why don't I invest the same amount of time into my parenting? You know,  it's literally a course with material with information that you can say Okay.

This is, this is the recipe. This is what needs to happen. You know, my kid throws this at me. I do that. My kid throws this at me. I do that.  And the more we practice it, the more we hone the skill, the more it just flows. The more it comes naturally. So within the course, we talk about what kind of language we should be using, what kind of recognitions we should be using, how do we recognize a child.

It's very important not to use sarcasm. Because sarcasm goes way, especially younger kids, goes way over their head. They have no clue what you're talking about. And it might feel like a compliment in the moment. But at the end, it's not a compliment. So we talk about what, what's the terminology? What are the spaces that we function in?

And what happens when it's not going right? What happens? What we say does has the opposite effect, or it has,  a completely different effect of what we expected. I know when I started using a strategy and I would come and tell my child, wow,  you cleaned up and I didn't even have to tell you anything.

And you just did it. I would hear from another little child in the, on the corner of the room. I did it too, mom. Like I also did it. Why aren't you recognizing me? Why aren't you recognizing my greatness? And then I became a little overwhelmed. It's like, well, what do I do? No, like I was handing this compliment out to this.

And I'm just going to hand another compliment out to that kid too, you know, without recognizing it without seeing it. So all these, the situations arrive, you know, there are situations also with older children. Maybe they told you something that they went to go do something and something else actually happened.

How do you, how do you deal with lying? How do you deal when the child isn't honest with you? You want to build that trust. You want to build that relationship, but it's so easy to fall back into our old habits.  which is why we need to take the time to invest in the skill, in the skill set. So it's always fresh and that's really why I'm doing it.

I'm so excited to share it with everyone around me. But for me, we talked about creating that balance right between professional life and home life. This is my professional life merging with my home life. I want to teach it to everyone else so that I can have it.  Fresh in my mind constantly with my Children that it's always there and I always know how to function in a way that I'm proud of that.

I'm proud of my Children and I'm proud of myself and building them up. So and we talk about in the course. We talk about the reset. What happens when things aren't going right? How do we reset ourselves? And the beauty of the reset is that we're all human. We all make mistakes. We're not all going to function, you know, perfectly according to the rule book, a hundred percent of the time.

So when things go wrong, When, you know, the child isn't reacting the way I need them to react, when I'm not reacting the way I would like to react, how do we reset ourselves and come to a neutral place where we can start over, start from the beginning so the child knows and is confident in the fact that I'm always going to be there for them.

I'm always going to be showing up for them in the positive, making sure. That they know that they're amazing, that they're great as is, you know, they want to feel supported. And if I learned to reset myself, even if I screw up, I know that I can start fresh. And that's a beautiful tool to give anyone, you know, think about not just yourself, a modeling that for your child.

If you can teach your child that mistakes are okay, but we can start over again. Okay. And we can refresh ourselves and work towards transformation in a way that is productive  and conducive and inclusive of everyone in the relationship.  It's a gift that keeps on giving.  I love that you say you invested so much in your professional career and you invested so much in your hobbies and, you know.

A lot of people think, yeah, but you know, that stuff has ROI, you know, like there's a return on investment. When I invested my business, I know I'm going to make more money or when I invest, you know, whatever. And it's like you guys, this is the biggest ROI ever.  You're buying peace of mind. You're buying confidence.

You're buying.  Being enough just all the things all the things it's so powerful. And I think that a lot of us   you know, I know about myself, I had a very hard time investing in, in things that weren't tangible, but eventually I realized early on in, you know, in my process that like, actually that doesn't make any sense. And that's part of the integration that I talk about, right. It's like. You know, will you invest in the business stuff to make it simpler and easier so that you can be more at home with your kids and, you know, make the same amount of money without working as hard? Things like that. Yeah. Well then you should also invest in your marriage and making sure that your marriage is supporting you and the way that you shine and the way that you want to live.

And the same thing with parenting, right? You have kids. They came down without any paperwork, you know, like there was no sticker, no manual involved, no manual. You know, I was just listening to a midwife. And she was speaking you know, they brought her in to speak about teenage girls and how to talk to your daughters and whatever.

It was a really great, it was wonderful. And, and she said that she thinks it's the funniest thing when the baby comes out and the father says, how much does he weigh? And she's like, I don't know. He didn't come out with a sticker. I first have to weigh him, you know, and the way she said that was so funny.

He's like, what do they think? It comes out with a sticker, like a little piece of meat in the store. You know, it says exactly how much it weighs right off the bat. So it's just, you know, they didn't come with any manuals and paperwork and stickers and nothing. They just come out  beautiful and delicious and baby, you know, yeah.

And slowly God gives us that ability to catch up. And I think it's, it's amazing. So let's talk about you as, you know, us as the container for all these things. You know, we're having babies, we're growing, we're learning, we're experiencing. And a lot of people get lost in the mix. They get lost in, in the shuffle.

And they lose themselves.  Right. So one thing I think it's very important to emphasize is that it's amazing to have a village to be supported, but you don't have to feel like, Oh, I'm, I'm trying to get this done. And my spouse is not on the same page as me. My spouse is not using the same vocabulary as me.

My spouse doesn't think it's going to work this way, or not even a spouse, a teacher, a grandparent, whoever, whatever other important adults is in the child's life. That's okay. That's okay. Because  the energy  is so infectious that people pick up on what you're doing without necessarily having gone through the training themselves  or, you know, being expressing their outright, you know, eagerness to jump on board.

 When my son was at the table doing his homework and I told him, wow,  you took out your homework yourself. No one had to tell you to do it. Like you're being very diligent in your work. This is when the term diligent came up and my husband who was next to me jumped right on board.

He was like, yeah, good job.  Look at you doing it without anyone having to tell you what to do. It's not that my husband has, has invested the same amount of time to these courses as I have. But he sees the vocabulary. That's going on. And it just becomes the, the vocabulary of the house. It becomes the way we interact with each other.

And when those interactions are pleasant and running smoothly, you have the space, you have the space to focus on you. You have the mind space. You're not constantly thinking, you know, what went wrong, you know, or you're, you're not constantly in a state of anger, you can let go. And there's this sense of peace knowing, okay, this relationship is working for me.

And I can invest in myself knowing that this relationship is strong And that I will be supported within the relationship and that to me was so important because like I said when after my third child I was struggling. I was really struggling to not feel resentful at the end of the day I was wondering what what do I do for myself when I feel pulled in so many different directions?

How can I find the space for me in this relationship? And it wasn't about doing anything specific. It was actually bringing it back to the relationship itself. And that's what's so amazing is because as the children, they want the focus to be on the relationship. The child, like you said, the child couldn't care less.

If you're handing them a hundred dollar bill, the child doesn't care how many toys you're buying them, how many times taking them out to ice cream, how many restaurants they're going to go sit in. No, they want you. They want that relationship with you. And they don't care where that relationship happens as long as it's happening.

And so once I put the focus back on the relationship, instead of feeling angry about the relationship, I put the focus back on the relationship, built each of us up in a way that made the relationship move forward.  And then I felt, wow, like I have space for me all of a sudden I could breathe in the relationship. 

And I think that's really important. You were talking, you're talking about the mindset. Drain and I, I call it that on purpose because I find that a lot of times we lose ourselves when we are so stuck in our heads about the thing, right? So it's like,  I'm just not enough. I can't figure this out. I'm, you know, there's something wrong with me.

I should have known better, you know, whatever it is, all this noise that we have in our heads and the amount of energy And the amount of time that is drained from us when we are so hyper focused on what's going wrong with us as ourselves, as you know, the container of all this  doesn't give us time to be ourselves.

It doesn't give us time to, you know, come alive. And when I talk about  birthing and you, I'm really thinking, you know, birthing yourself. Like when I have a baby, I feel that. new version of myself coming forward. And, you know, even during the pregnancy, I get a lot of downloads, a lot of intuition, a lot of like, just, you know, messages about what's next and what's coming and what I wish for and what I want.

Like I started dreaming more about big picture things because I really do think that it pushes you to the next level of who you are, but only if you're willing to put in the attention and the intention. Right. And. It's not going to just happen by default. And usually the default is you just want to sit back and like, sort of melt into whatever, you know, the laziness takes over and  that's where the danger is, is, you know, we don't, we don't put ourselves first.

Sometimes we don't even put ourselves on the list, right? Like I forget about being last, but we're not even there.  And, and it really can take a toll on who you are as the container of all the parts of your life. And right now we're talking about, you know, being a parent, that's going to really drain your relationship if you're feeling low about yourself.

Because here's one thing that, you know, there's a quote that every child needs somebody to believe in them. You know, one person to believe in them. And then there was a continuation to that quote and it's as long as they believe in themselves, right? So a person can't believe in a child and almost like fake it if they're not modeling it themselves, if they're not living the thing that they're hoping the kid model.

So it's important for you to. Allow yourself to also, you know, come alive and also find yourself. And so I love that you're saying the focus isn't only on the child and making the child, you know stay in line, do the thing I want.  It's yeah, do whatever you're telling them to do. Yeah. Yeah. And you have to learn to be flexible within that space.

And again, like I said, I'm a very structured person. And so this pushes me to a level of creativity and, you know, flexibility that I was very uncomfortable with at first. But once you get in that groove, once you're dancing that dance with the child or with your co parent or the grandparent or whomever, then you really learn what it's all about.

And it's about finding  That flexibility and that dance and, and flow because when things are flowing, there's room for everybody. It's not like everyone has their spot and then suddenly your spot isn't even there. Like you said, it wasn't even on the list, but when things flow. Then then there's room for everyone, even if it's a new baby, even if it's a new teacher.

I mean, think about becoming a parent. There's it's a multifaceted relationship. You're not only building a relationship with your child. First of all, you're becoming parents. You're no longer only a son.  So  there's an evolution of the relationship of the marriage itself. And then you have grandparents and you have teachers and you have parents, other parents in the mix.

There's all these different relationships that you now need to navigate in addition to the parent child relationship. And suddenly you find yourself having to dance not only with the child, but having to dance with your spouse. Spouse having to dance with the teacher. You know, you are doing this dance with everyone and how do you find space for yourself in all of those relationships, not only in the parent-child relationship.

Yeah. So it's an amazing tool that is good for, for really any relationship.  I love this. I love this. And I would say, in order to get out of this loop and untangle the overwhelm that it feels like when everything is just all over the place, cause you're, you know, like you're saying, you have to learn a lot of dances and you have to figure out a lot of different things, right.

And suddenly, you know, in a blink of an eye, you've just completely complicated your entire life. And you have no skills and no tools and no idea what to do next. Right. That is, that is why I created my freebie, which is called the guide to unravel overwhelm. And I invite everyone to go and download it.

Connected for real. com slash guide. Make sure you go and grab that. First of all, it is. Completely  incredible. It changed my life. The power of unraveling your own overwhelm is just tremendous and you start to create space and then that space creates availability to be yourself and to really, you know, birth. 

Exactly. I think the beauty of what you're saying about being overwhelmed and the beauty of what what I'm bringing to the table is that these are things that we've experienced in our own lives that we're so passionate about them because we see them working right in front of us  with ourselves or with our family and and that just that passion is what it's all about.

You know, we see it working. We want to make it work for other people.  I love it. I love it. I think that it, there's just so much that we can go into.  Oh,  there's just like the whole world is open to you when you can birth yourself as a parent as well.  And I highly recommend you guys all go check Karen out.

So Karen, where can people sign up and find out more about what you do?  Right. So my website is school in israel. com  school in israel. com. You would click on nurtured heart approach and you'll see a few options there.  And, it works hand in hand because you know what? Even if the, if you don't have a co parent doing the course with you, that's okay.

That's okay. The language will be picked up on in the household. And when you learn to create a balance within one relationship, you'll learn how to use it and multiply it for other relationships as well.  It's amazing. Really goes hand in hand with the alphabet. You want to hear about this? There's a funny story I have about this.

So we had two kids and I went to a parenting class. It was called how to talk to your kids so they listen and listen so they talk. Ah, yes. I've been to that one. Yes. And  I was going to the course. Of course, my husband wasn't because he doesn't do things like that. And so I came home with the workbook and I came home with my lesson and I was like, ready to, you know, take over the world.

And I started doing the thing and he's like, it's never going to work. It's not going to work. What is that blah, blah, blah. And he was so critical and negative about it and he was making fun of it, you know, like, like, oh, yeah, you really think that's going to work. And the whole time I was just like, whatever you do, you, I do, me, we'll be fine.

Right? It's going to be okay. And then finally, one time  magic happened and it actually worked. The approach, right? I'm using the right words. I'm using the right language. I'm leaning into the connection, all the good stuff. And he's like, huh?  So then the next time my daughter had. A meltdown or whatever it was.

He just looks at me and says, okay, you go do use your magic. I'm going, I don't know what to do about this. Right. And he was like, helpless because he realized that here I am gaining the skills, knowing what to do, and he's just left behind.  So it was a really funny experience, especially since it was early on in our marriage and in our experience as a couple. 

I think nowadays, you know, the more we've grown and thank God, I feel very fortunate to be able to be this old,  to be able to like, look back.  Well, obviously I'm not old. You guys know that. Right. But like, you know, to be ahead of where I was before and knowledge, right. Like, right. Like, We had one two kids, you know max three Life was so difficult things were so hard.

My marriage felt so Like everything just felt so heavy And i'm able to look back now and say wow, I can reverse engineer how I got from there to here Just by looking at the little things and the little decisions and the little places where I was intentional, right? Because it's less about just oh, just give it time I know a lot of people give it time and time not necessarily is gonna do the thing you want, right?

but  No, when you you're intentional and then you use time to your advantage. Oh, you could totally move mountains and and That's, that's where the magic happens is when you're knowing what, you know, now  that's the idea of the strategy, you know, yourself. You know yourself, you know what's important for you.

You also know what values you want to see in your children and how do you instill those. And to have that knowledge now,  you feel in a completely different place than you may have felt five, ten, you know, years ago.  Right to have the knowledge here is key.  I know I yes Yes And I want to just tell all the listeners if you're sitting here going.

Yeah Well easy for you to say you're on the other side. Well, god put us on the other side for a reason, right? We're here to help you come along like we're sometimes you really just need a guide You need somebody who's been there who got over it and is telling you I figured out You The way I figured out the roadmap.

Let me show you and. I find so much wealth  of value to lean onto someone who has the experience and just shortcut the whole getting lost and trying to figure it out yourself. The return on investment is  Gigantic because the way I found the approach, it fell in my lap.

Honestly, it was, it was meant to be, I was so desperate and I happened to be in this Facebook group from Corona times. It was a Facebook group about sharing tips for preschoolers projects. I don't know what I'd never check it. I never check it. I happened once to check it and see a flyer. For the nurtured heart approach.

And I was so desperate. I didn't even realize that the course was in a completely different time zone that I would not be able to log in live. Not even once. I don't even remember if I checked about recordings  and I just immediately signed up. That's how desperate I was. It literally fell in my lap. And then I was doing this amazing course.

Her name is support Wayne. She's based out of Atlanta, Georgia. And  everything was like. She was telling me, okay, are you getting the recordings? Are you in the group? Everyone was on a completely different time zone than me. It was so ma'mash miyashemayim, like it was meant to happen, that it happened. And this is it, you know that joke where they say the guy who's stuck in the ocean And there's a boat that comes and he says, No, Hashem's coming to get me.

And then there's a helicopter that comes and says, Hashem's coming to get me. And then what else is there? Something else comes and it says, Hashem's coming. And then when he, when he dies, then Hashem said, What happened? I sent you a boat and I sent you a helicopter and you didn't take the help that you were being offered.

So here it is. Here is the help being offered and you want to grab onto it because the knowledge is just what's going to set you apart from your old self in who knows how many years from now.  Oh yes, and results are so quick when you don't expect them, right? A lot of people are like so attached to the results like I need them now.

So it's more like let go, relax. And the results just hit you in the face now. And it's so beautiful about this approach. You can implement it from day one. It's not like there's a book that you have to sit through and finish and you're waiting and you're waiting and say, wait, but what do I do? What do I do with XYZ?

You are going to leave from the first session of the course with concrete  strategies into what to implement immediately with your children. from day one. I love it. And you know, you mentioned Sephora. She is also going to be a guest on this podcast. We're going to be talking about parenting and God and is so perfect. 

I did not know that you guys were connected.  That's amazing. See, it's all meant to be. And she is the one that opened the door for me to this wonderful world of nurtured hearts. And I'm just, I think there's only two or three of us trained here in Israel and I'm super excited to be able to share it with the rest of all the parents that I work with. 

Amazing. I love it. I love it. Thank you so much for being with us.  Thank you for having me. I'm taking a deep breath because I just feel so, you know, so full, so happy. This is such a blessing to have you here  you know, in this digital studio and and thank you. Thank you all for listening and don't forget to be back for next week's episode with another amazing guest  and don't forget that you can be connected for real. 

 And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.