155. How to Set Goals that Align With G-d

Katy Holiday is a homeschooler and an energy therapy practitioner. Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman is a marriage coach for women in business. In her LIVE show and the "Connected For Real" Podcast, she interviews amazing women to enhance all the parts of our life: Specifically the four pillars: G-d, Marriage, Business, & You. Join them as they talk about Goals and G-d as a Noahide.

 Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started. 

 And we are live.  Welcome everyone to the connected for real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, I'm a marriage coach for women in business. And I love to help women find that balance between. Their marriage, their top priority, the thing that they signed up for and want to make more and more amazing and their business, the thing that is calling them to come and shine and be, and really show up to, and you don't have to feel pulled apart.

You really could make them work together and support each other. And that is what I'm all about. And as you guys know, I've been doing a cycle of the four pillars, God, Marriage, business, and you. Those are my four pillars that I think every person who wants balance needs in order to balance. And  with each of these four pillars, we're attaching a topic and we made that the theme for this month.

So the theme for this month is goals. And I'm super excited about it because goals and God is one of those topics that really. Spoke to me and today with me, I have an amazing, amazing guest called Katy Holladay, and she's going to introduce herself and then we're going to get right into what our goals and how does God fit into all that.

So let's do it. Kathy, introduce yourself. Well  Hi I am a wife and mother. I have two children and I homeschool them. I am a  Noahide or B'nai Noach. That's my, I suppose, religious affiliation. It's the umbrella that Judaism provides for non Jews who want to attach themselves to Torah and to God through Judaism.

But we don't have to convert, so there's a lot of stuff that we don't take upon ourselves, a lot of mitzvot and things like this. But  we can still study Torah, we can apply a lot of the basic concepts to our lives and change our lives and still have a full and meaningful relationship with God.

 So that is what I do. I also am an energy therapist through Or Imuna Energy Institute in Jerusalem. And so I do a little bit of that energy work on the side in amongst running my kids everywhere.  So yeah, that's, that's what I do. That's me, I suppose, in a nutshell.  That's super cool.

Let me just say how happy I am to have a Noah Hyde here. First of all, because a lot of people tell me, I just want to convert. I need to convert. I'm feeling this calling. I, you know, I have to, I have to, I have to, and I'm like, wait, wait, wait, you know, like there is a place for you without having to change anything without having to go through any of the Crazy,  crazy process that has been put into place nowadays in our generation is just, beyond,  beyond difficult.

And you don't have to put yourself through that in order to attach yourself in order to be in the best place where you need to be. So I think that's really impressive. Yeah. I mean, it's you know, it just, it kind of, it really resonates with things like You know in the Bible, the book of Psalms, there's a, a psalm called number 67, and that psalm is actually read throughout the entire month of E R and into Sivan during the counting of the Omer.

 For those who are familiar with Judaism. But the very interesting thing about that psalm is that it talks about how the nations will extol God. And  they will attach themselves to God, but there's also still Israel.  And to my understanding, God didn't want for there to be,  so much separation, but It was needed because of the way we are, but it didn't mean that he meant to keep himself from the nations.

He wants for the nations to know him, but he also understands how he made them and the challenges that he embedded in them  to overcome, which they can, but they don't have to overcome it by converting to Judaism. They need to overcome it through the teachings of Judaism, through the guidance of Judaism,  but not actually converting because Judaism, you know, it is  the safeguard, if you will, of the precepts  that God put into the world that's like, you know, you can't commit theft, you know, the whole world, you know, the flood happened because  of the level that thievery  had sunk to.

And so he's like,  don't commit theft and don't murder. And You know, don't don't do idolatry. We can see how idolatry has forever over and over again destroyed civilizations and humanity and has abused people and God is not in the business of abuse of abusing people. That's that's not what he wants.

And so Being able to be a Noahide, which is someone who is learning, you know, Torah and connected to the Jewish people and, and learning to get their priorities and their morals in a, in a straight line, so to speak. The world at large needs people like that. We need people who are people of integrity, people who are doing the right thing just because it is the right thing to do.

Because it creates a world. In which God  can  make his presence even more known. Which to me, because of my personal obsession with God is like, that's like the goal. Talking about God and goals, well my goal is to create a space that the presence of God can, can rest in. And so I, I think that being a know how is good because you, you need to be you need to be in the world.

If If God had wanted everybody to be Jews, He would have made the whole world Jews. So obviously, He intended for there to be variety  and differences, and those differences were not meant to  be  burdens between us, but rather just celebrated and appreciated, because they represent different facets of the world. 

So I love it. I love it. And really, you know, Jews have 613 commandments and Noahides have seven. And let me tell you, you can spend all day long just on one.  You, you really can because, I mean, when you study, because, you know, every, every law, And, and I'll just talk about like the seven just every single one of those seven is basically like it's a category and there's so many things that fall underneath that category and there's so many layers to it, for instance, with one of the mandates for the non Jewish world is to refrain from idolatry.

But on a very deep, deep level because the greatest idolatry is the worship of yourself, of never changing. I can't change. I am the way I am. I was born this way. There's nothing I can do about it. And I'm like, well, I don't know, but,  and the rabbis, the sages bring down that, you know, with, if you really want to keep the commandment  of not committing idolatry, then you need to work on yourself. 

You have to continually,  learn yourself, know yourself, and really dig down deep so that you are constantly evolving and changing and growing. And the purpose of that is, in, in my my humble opinion, is that  You're growing so that you can bring down more of your own soul, the light of your own soul. 

And that is directly attached to God. And so when you bring the light of your own soul down, you become more yourself. You become more of who God really intended when he was thinking about you, which your soul is a thought of God.  You're getting his direct thought. Oh, I want for her to,  to be Do this to accomplish this.

 I'm make a situation where she's going to be at the right place at the right time and she's going to do this and it's going to change the world, you know, and we don't realize that how often that happens that we  really do change the world, but we don't see it because we have so many things in front of us and we're not actively working on ourselves  and learning ourselves, learning what our, our negatives are, our positives, our challenges, our strengths, our weaknesses.

All of that is us and we need to embrace all of that and figure out how we work with all of that. I love it. This is so perfect for talking about goals because if God put you here to not serve yourself and not, you know,  worship yourself or, you know, self center yourself and really understand that you are here to shine and bring a light and really light up the world and bring God's presence home.

Then you have a responsibility to actually lean into these goals and, you know, make them happen, manifest what you are here to do. And so let's talk about goals a little bit.  How do we know what our goals should be? How do we know how to pick goals, how to go after them, how to actually get them done, how to, you know, all the good stuff about goals.

I have a love hate relationship with goals.  I think, I think most listeners do because on one hand you're like, Oh, I really want to. And on the other hand, Oh, I've been burnt so many times. Nevermind.  Yeah. So I think I think That goals are something that  it goes back to really getting to know yourself.

It really goes back to like, like knowing yourself, knowing how to trick yourself seeing what works for you.  Because if you find something that you want to do that interests you, that excites you, you're absolutely going to make that goal, because it's interesting to you.

 It magnifies your strength, right? Mm hmm. So that's an easy goal.  The hard goals are the goals that address your weaknesses. The goals, that are making you like push, like maybe getting rid of that bad habit that you have. You know or just really trying to change something that is really  so ingrained in you and you're really trying to break out of it.

Those are the ones that are the hard ones and it's real easy to get disappointed and disillusioned when, You are always chasing after the negative goals. So I think,  I think that  having a balance of both positive and negative goals. And when I say negative goals, I'm meaning like you're working on, the thing that makes you stuck.

Cause  that's always going to be the hardest thing. And, you know, you have to learn yourself, you have to like, okay, what, what is it, like, I'm, I'm a naturally stubborn person, so, and I don't like to be told what to do, so even if I tell myself, you know, you'll have to do this, there's a little part of me that's like,  whatever, I don't have to do it, because I don't want to do it,  so I have to go about it a different way.

I have to go about, like, in my head, I have to be like, okay, yeah, I know you don't want to do this, but  let's look past this moment and let's look at tomorrow. Like, if you don't take care of this situation today, it's still going to be there tomorrow. And you're still going to have to deal with it.

And you have the time today. Sometimes I have to tell myself, it only takes ten minutes, you have ten minutes. You absolutely have ten minutes that you can spend to do this. And then it's off your plate.  And so you have to learn how to, you know, you have to learn. what head talk works for you. And then I, I would, I would encourage like, and balance it.

Like, you know, if you, if you are,  you know, working on that, that negative thing, then also like make a goal, like, you know, something that's your favorite thing to do.  My goal today is to go for a walk. I enjoy that. So then do that because I bet you you're going to make that goal that day. So  I think some people get really caught up in, when we're talking about God and goals, they get caught up in  the spiritual aspect.

Like we've got to just focus on spirituality and you know, what does God want for my life and, and all of these things. And we have a tendency to ignore the material part of ourselves. And we have a physical body and we have to take care of that physical body because you cannot pursue your spiritual pursuits if you're also not taking care of your physical needs and wants.

And yeah. I mean, it's good to temper those, of course, to not just let those run away from you.  But it's all about just having a nice balance and making sure that you're not forgetting  in your drive. Like if you have spiritual goals, it's very important to not forget also the physical goals and vice versa.

If you have physical goals, it's also important to not forget about the spiritual goals. So even if, you know, you're very good at pursuing your physical goals You need to also,  give yourself a small spiritual goal. Say there's, like, you know that you should spend more time, like, in prayer.

Like you know, re, reading a prayer or spending a few minutes. Like, literally set yourself a timer and  give yourself,  five minutes or ten minutes and just make that commitment. So Goals do involve having to make a commitment and having to be accountable. And that's very hard because that means you have to grow up.

And I think we all have a little bit a little bit of Peter Pan syndrome. We all have a little part of us. It's like,  I don't want to be responsible. I don't want to grow up anymore. It's, there's so much. And I think that's a do also to the stress of the world. I think the world is very tired. 

I think  We have grown in leaps and bounds. My husband and I often talk about this at how much technology so I'm , 41 and in the 41 years that I've been alive, I mean,  there has been so much change. Like  there were not home computers when I was born and now we have a computer that  we carry around with us in our hand.

So it's like everything, everybody's just like, Overloaded a lot. Yes. I think overwhelm and exhaustion are the two main issues of our generation. And I think that's one of the reasons why we have such a hard time with goals because  it's not just getting the gold on, it's also making space for it. And all of the noise, right.

It's like there's so much going on. And then how do we make this even fit? into all the other parts that are calling for our attention. And how do we deal with like the disappointment if we don't, if we don't fulfill that goal, if we, if we never arrive at that goal, like how do we deal with that? Because, you know, disappointment is  a very heavy, heavy garment that you can put on.

And if you're carrying around disappointment, It's going to be very hard to get goals accomplished because you kind of defeat yourself before you even get started. And so let's, let's talk about that because I feel like one of the biggest issues  is the mind drama, you know, and you've brought this up a couple of times, but disappointment is one of the biggest things that will drain your energy.

 And when we're talking about God specifically in these goals, in this disappointment, you know, what's going on with that disappointment and how are we dealing with it?  I think that what goes on with the disappointment is that we have expectations that are unrealistic, truly.

I mean, you wouldn't think it would be unrealistic, but if you don't know yourself, if you're not really paying attention to How you pattern your life, then  you're going to have these big expectations, and then your life is going to happen, and you won't fulfill your expectations.

And so it's something that really helped, because I, I dealt with disappointment  in a lot of things, and actually even kind of got, To the point where I was even a little bit depressed about it. And I didn't really understand what was wrong with me. And, you know, because I do energy work and stuff like this, I started to like, okay, what's wrong with me, what's going on.

And kind of got to the bottom of everything and realized,  I had built expectations that I thought were perfectly acceptable expectations,  but when you make those expectations on, say, about other people, or you make those expectations about yourself and you don't know yourself, it's basically like making expectations of other people and expecting someone who is not capable.

At the time to meet those expectations, to meet them. You're totally setting yourself up for disappointment.  So,  you have to really work on your faith and your trust. And, you also  need to understand something about God. God, Really, really just wants us to try. He wants us to start with the thought, like, I want to be better.

I want to do better.   And you keep that going. Keep that going. And then when an idea drops into your head. Or you read something on, on Facebook or, or Instagram or whatever, and you kind of feel inspired or whatever, then you take action on that. And, and you just try. Every day you get up and you try.

 In the Torah there's a story that we're told about that Jacob, He separates himself from his family, and  he's by himself, and then he wrestles with the angel of Esau. And Esau sages tell us Esau represents, like, materialism, and, you know, the stuff of life. But they wrestle, and then  there's a deeper thing that the sages tell us about this thing, that the wrestling stirred up the dust of the earth and it went up to heaven and it was a pleasing aroma to God.

And the sages are like, what does that mean? And what they bring down is that  God just wanted for Jacob. And the material world, for the world of light and the world of darkness to wrestle with each other, to try.  And We can also see, nobody won that wrestle, but, but, Jacob, was blessed, he wouldn't let go until he got something from that angel.

And so that's, like, what it is. and you may have to wrestle for days and days and days until you really learn something about yourself in that wrestling. And so that's why I say try every day. If you want to have a goal, every day you just get up and you just try.  Like whatever it is that you feel like  is your best, try towards your best.

And you may find that  you succeed your best. You may find you exceed your best. And you may find that you don't meet your best at all. And that's where, you know, having some grace for yourself knowing that the whole point was just to try.  And so  I love that. I love that, you know, detaching yourself from the result because at the end of the day, we are talking about goals and God and the result of the goals is only in God's hands.

Are you going to succeed? Are you not going to succeed? Are you going to get there or not? That is not up to you. What's up to you is what you do, what you try, what actions you take, the actual day to day things, the times when you overcome that. I don't feel like it. I don't want to, I really, you know, lazy,  whatever, all the things that are going through your head, trying to stop you.

And you wrestle that and be like, you know what, today I'm just going to do  what I need to do. I mean, I'm going to do enough. I'm going to do like the little minimum. Viable thing I need to do and just move on and move through it. It's so much more powerful Yeah, and you know, you can have days where you're like today's a rest day.

I'm exhausted life has been crazy It's been all over the place and I just need a day to just rest an extra day during the week that I need to rest and I think  that's part of just being aware of what you need and realizing, you know, I think also in this world We have this we have this idea, especially women.

We are supposed to be the energizer bunny You know We are supposed to just go and go like a successful woman is a woman who hustles and  she is Running the kids. She's doing the thing. She looks great. She's fabulous. She's fit like I'm like, I don't know I don't know how to do that.  And I don't, I do, I do.

You guys all come take notes. I do. 

But you know, it's just, I think the secret is learning to rest. The secret of doing it all is learning what you are actually supposed to do and what other people can help you with. It's learning yourself and what works for you and stop. comparing yourself and trying to do what everyone else thinks you're supposed to do.

It's making what matters matter to you and what doesn't matter not matter to you, right? There's like so many things that go into actually succeeding at doing it all. And it's not about doing all of the things That matter to everyone it's about doing all the things that matter to you And as soon as you can get in touch with that you can be so successful Like I love what you're saying.

The main thing is to get to know yourself and really know How you work what works for you? What's the best way for you to succeed? Those are the things that are going to really get you to The finish line and not because you're in charge of controlling the result, but more like you're really in it.

You're really in it. Yeah. And, and, and also, you know, having just that goal  of just, I want to get to know myself  that lets go of so many other. Other things because it, like you said, it lets go of all of the results because how can you not become a better person  and really step into your purpose?

 If you know yourself, like, how can you not, if you know yourself, then when opportunities and people come in your life,  you will recognize without even thinking. Oh, yeah, this is for me or oh, nope. That's not for me  I have no business messing with that  because you know who you are so many people trying different things because they don't know themselves and Not to say  that trying things is wrong.

 But if you spend some time with yourself then  you can kind of start to figure out, you know, I don't think I do very well this way.  And it's also good to have a good friend or you know, and even like, If you don't have a good friend, you know, then to get yourself,  a therapist, somebody who can kind of stand back and, can help see a side of you that you may not be able to see just yet and can help you,  notice like, well, you know, you do this.

You self sabotage yourself all the time in this, in this particular area. And you can be like, Oh, great. I knew that. Right.  I didn't want to. Yeah, no, I think, you know, definitely use people around you as mirrors because that's going to be extremely helpful. And. Awareness, you know, there is a stage in life when trying things is really helpful, especially if you're taking notes, right?

If you're in it to find out what works for you and really trying different things and giving each thing a real chance, not just jumping from one thing to the next. But at a certain point, if you're feeling like you're throwing spaghetti  at the wall and you're just trying to figure out what sticks and you just exhausted from it, then you need to stop and take a pause.

Really, really stop and take action that's going to get you clarity fast, because this is a waste of your energy and your time.

  Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly? Feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one on one private coaching is for and I want to invite you, just you and me, for a free deep dive discovery call.

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Now back to the show. 

  Yeah, absolutely. So I guess bringing us back to God and goals, I would say that  Especially if you come from a religious background,  there's like this push, like, oh, I, I need to find out what God wants for me.

I need to find out what God has for, what's my purpose, you know, and why am I here? And like, there's all of this stuff and there's a big push with that. And. I kind of like, well, I really think  because I've spent so much time trying to get to know God and trying to get to know myself, I would say that what God wants for you is he wants for you  to get to know yourself and to see what he built you with and to see how you can utilize that,  what you need to push and what you need to pull back.

You know, there's there's a rabbi a famous rabbi, the Baal Shem Tov, and he has a teaching about breaking your nature. So  when he's talking about that, he's talking about things that seem like they're so ingrained in you and they seem like they're a stumbling block  and they always kind of get in your way. 

And he says, this is what you're meant to do. You're meant to break your nature. You're meant to break that thing that seems so natural, but it's so self destructive to you. It always holds you back. That's what you're supposed to wrestle with. That's what you're supposed to fight with. And so to that end, then  if you know that that's like what you need to break through, then That kind of like,  well, it's just what Hashem says.

Like if you, if you choose the path to break your nature, then Hashem is going to guide your steps. That's where the trust comes in. Trusting that he's going to bring people, programs, teachings, whatever, he's going to bring it into your life. So that way it helps you flip that switch. It helps you break that within you.

That is always in your way because there's gold in there. There's gold in those, in those boulders, in those boundaries that are. Keeping us  Feel locked down. There's gold in there. That's why you have to wrestle with it That's why you have to fight it going back to the wrestling with the angel and jacob Like he wrestled and he held him until he blessed Until the angel blessed jacob and that's what you have to do.

And the blessing is  You're going to learn something about yourself. You're going to discover what you're capable of You're going to discover a new you're you know, a deeper level of your purpose Your purpose is not just one level, you know, some women are like  My purpose in my life is to get married and be a mother.

That's wonderful. What happens when your children are grown?  Who are you for the next 40 years after your children move out, you know? What's your purpose then? If your goal  is something that's finite then what happens when, when that  is over? You know, when your identity changes and we actually have an amazing podcast about identity shift with Kate, where she talks about how she shifted  her identity from being a musician to being a coach.

And suddenly.  Our husbands didn't know what to, what to do with it. He didn't know how to, how to handle it. Cause like,  I don't know what to say when people ask me what my wife does, cause I don't know what she does. Right.  And that's one of the things that when you attach yourself to your identity.

It's so hard for you to then actually lean into your purpose and your purpose and your identity are two different things. They are. They are.  And I think that society especially in America, it may not be so much in other places, but in America, you know, your whole identity is built around one thing.

It's your career, it's your kids, it's it's just certain things and it's like, we are so much more than that and I really think like, that's another thing About God is  he's like I made you in my image  I am many things. I have many faces.  I am a lot  So are you you are a lot you are so much more than just one thing you are so many things and so to put all your eggs in one basket is Shortchanging yourself because you're gonna get burnt out You're going to get disappointed.

Your expectations aren't going to be met. You're going to feel unfulfilled because you put everything into one thing, and you're so much more than just one thing. There's so many facets to you, and you Should absolutely discover all of those facets because  God took delight in Creating all of those facets of you.

So right.  I love it. So let's get a little practical. What can a listener do? Okay, she's been listening till now and she's thinking Great. So now I have to get to know myself What is something practical that she can do right now, or start today, or, you know, really start to lean into in order to find herself, in order to figure out what works for her, and,  find a little bit more about what this means. 

Well, I think first of all,  noticing yourself. Noticing, well, let's look at positives and negatives. How about let's notice what brings you joy. And you might have to go back and you might have to think about when you were a little girl and you might have to think about what was something that I absolutely enjoyed and maybe you should  figure out how to bring that back into your life.

Like,  maybe as a little kid, you loved blowing bubbles. Like there was like a real connection between you and bubbles. Well, maybe you should go buy you a bottle of bubbles and go out and blow bubbles just because. Because it brings you joy.  it speaks to a part of you, a piece of you. 

So that's one thing. Also, then another thing, let's go with the negative. Again, it's noticing. This isn't  changing anything. This is noticing. Notice when you realize that you got triggered.   You're all buzzed up.  Take a step back. What triggered me?  What set me off? Because there's also, especially for women, I think there's a lot of things at play here.

 We have hormones,  which if your hormones are not balanced, Then you aren't sometimes not even aware you can't figure out what why something triggered you and a lot of times It is because it's a physical deal. It's it's something like oh, maybe my hormones are not very well balanced And I need to make some changes to my diet.

I should talk to my my health care professional  I should pursue figuring out how to get my hormones balanced but also it could be that there's something triggered you because you  You know, again,  when you were a child or you were a young adult. A situation happened and you were made to feel like you were being disrespected or you were not heard.

And so anytime something gets close to that situation, that original situation, you're instantly triggered. Even though it may not be the same situation and the person is not really disrespecting you at all. They're just looking for clarification.  But you're misinterpreting it because it still feels like  when there was a person who did   you and they didn't listen to you.

So, that requires some introspection, that requires some like going back to  And making a clarification within yourself, like isn't that situation anymore? This is not that person. They really are just looking to clarify. They're not disrespecting me. And  it's teaching yourself how to recognize patterns within yourself so that you can respond differently and you don't always have to react.

And that, that takes noticing. And that means that there's going to be like, you may have some more times where you still react. And then later you're like, Okay. Oh,  but if you never notice and you never go back over the situation, then you're never going to break out of that pattern.  So  the first step is to just notice. If you're a writer, if you like to write things down, then write it out, journal it out.

If you're like me and  you just are constantly having just thoughts, it's too much, you can't write it down, then you, then you'll spend time, you'll spend time, you'll figure out  how to, you know, have the time to, to turn it over into your head. And then you may need to talk to a friend about it and, you know, but that's working on it.

That's making progress. That is working on yourself, noticing,  writing it out or talking it out. I spend so much time  talking to God. I have a running conversation with him all the time. So anytime that I have something that I was triggered by or whatever, I have  a conversation. I talked to him about it.

Just like I'm talking to you probably even more candidly. But he's my confidant, and I  I discuss everything with him. Because  I always feel better after that, and I always feel like that I, I kind of clear the air, I kind of open myself up for him to download. the solution for me  because I got all of that frustration out of the way.

So, and I want to bring to your attention guys, she's not talking about judging. She's talking about noticing and they're two different things. When you judge yourself for being triggered. Oh, that was so bad of me. I can't believe I did that. Whatever. Then you're going in the wrong direction. Nobody is judging.

Nobody is here to give you a scorecard of, you know, how well you did or whatever. It's just about finding what is going on. Right.  You have to become your best friend. Like Like yourself.  You are a likable person, and you need to be the first one to admit that. You need to be the one that looks at you and realizes that you're a human being.

You struggle just like everybody.  You have good points. You have bad points. bad points and you were built with all of those and you're meant to soften and strengthen and use all of those things and you're never going to get anywhere if you judge yourself. So become your best friend. This is in direct relation to to a You know, a mitzvah in the Torah, that while it's not part of like the seven, it's one of those that's, it's encouraged, because I think it applies to everybody.

And that is to, to love your fellow as you love yourself. The important part is love yourself. You cannot be a really good friend, you cannot be a really good spouse, if you don't love yourself.  You're gonna fall short. There's always going to be a boulder a barrier in the way because you are in the way because you are not loving and liking Yourself. I love that how many of us are walking around being like I hate myself for this. Oh, yeah I can't believe I did this and that's the judgment and that's really the thing that's going to take you down and I love that you said this You We have such a hard time. Even when you were talking about find what brings you joy and find what makes you happy.

We have a hard time allowing ourselves to be happy, just giving ourselves permission to be happy. Because for some reason we're made to feel bad about being too happy, you know, and I've been blamed for this a lot throughout my life. It's like, something's wrong with you. You're too happy. It's like, really, you know?

And for a long time, I felt like maybe. There is something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not supposed to be this way, but I'm realizing, no, I think there's something wrong with you.  Yeah. Why, why can't, why can't you be happy? Why did, why what's standing in your way from being happy and happiness doesn't necessarily look 

like you're laughing all of the time and you're dancing around the kitchen. You know, everybody's happiness is specific to their personality type, but who they are, happiness could be that, you know, you create carved out some time for you to be able to sit and read a book that, maybe it's not an edifying book.

Maybe it's just a novel or something like that, but  it brings you a place where you can just rest, where you can be at peace and peace and happiness kind of go. Hand in hand with each other. They're the twins, I suppose you could say, and so I just think You know, whenever those, those judgmental thoughts come up, you like, talk to yourself, as you would talk to your best friend.

If your best friend came to you and said, Oh, I just, I look terrible today. What would you say to your best friend? You would say,  You look fine. Nobody's going to think you look bad and certainly they're not going to be rude enough to say anything to you about it. And if they do, well, you know, we'll just make them feel,  we'll put them in their place.

Get a new friend, my friend, get a new friend. Yes. Yeah. So, you know, I think that it's just really important to be a good friend to yourself and to have grace for yourself and to know, you know, to know when you need to give yourself a kick in the pants. And it's not nearly as often as you would think.

It's really not near as often as you think. And most of the time,  we need to be gentle with ourselves. We need to, you know, be like, hey, you have a lot of stress in your life. This is why. This is happening is there's a lot going on and maybe we should start thinking about how we can cut some of the stress out.

Where can we cut  and help yourself problem solve. This is where having a friend works, or if you need a therapist or, you know, something, get a coach Get somebody to help you figure out how to be a better friend to yourself. And  if you have a good friend, then model yourself after your good friend.

What would your good friend tell you? Well, my good friend would tell me that I'm being ridiculous.  I don't need to be so hard on myself. And they're right. They're absolutely right. So, but noticing  is problem solving. It's identifying. Okay, I don't like the way I do this, like I really don't and I really do want to change it and so that's what that is.

 That's not judging and being like, oh you're such a horrible person, I can't believe you did that again and, No, no. That's I think that's where all the baggage comes from. You know, you were saying how heavy it is to carry disappointment and you know, I failed again or something like that.

It's, it's really from the judgment and I want you to let go of the judgment and just allow yourself to be where you are and to keep going because really that disappointment is here to be. Hold you back from trying again It's here to hold you in one place and be like never mind forget the whole self development thing and growth We can just be here forever Happy just being ourselves and not trying and as we said the goal is to try so  Yeah, you're basically self sabotaging the main thing.

Your goal wasn't to get there. Your goal wasn't to make it. Your goal is to try. Your goal is to do your part.  Right. Absolutely.  And it's just, it's showing up every day first for yourself.  And then for the people that depend on you, but first you have to be nice to yourself. Because if you're not, then you're, you start to be resentful of other people  because  there's parts of you that are resenting you because it's like, you always give your attention to this other person or this other situation.

And we're over here just barely making it. And, you know,  You're not being fair. So there's  resentment and you can, you can resent yourself. You can start to resent your career.  You can resent your roles that you have in your life because there's parts of you that are not being heard that are not being Noticed and they don't need to be heard or noticed by other people.

They need you to notice  I feel like that is a huge point. You just made how many people do you know? Who are sitting around going, you know, you're not giving me the right time of day You're not respecting me. You're not seeing me Blah blah blah And it's like, chill out. I am not doing, you know, like you think it's me.

I see this a lot in teachers. I'm sorry if you're a teacher and listening, I love you. I love you a lot. My parents were both teachers, but I see this a lot in teachers. I'm not appreciated. And it's like, really? You know, you think being appreciated by other people is going to really fill that void.

No, it's really calling you to look inside and find  where you appreciate yourself, And the more you can, you know, list out as many things that you appreciate about yourself, the less you're going to need that external validation. And then the more you're going to be able to show up fully without needing them to appreciate you, right?

And that's where you started. Usually teachers are like, Oh, I'm going to do this for the great, you know, the greater good of all humanity. You're not sitting around thinking the kids have to appreciate me or the parents have to appreciate me. Eventually you get, you to a point where you're like, ah, this is exhausting, you know?

Right. And that's when it's your job to turn it, turn it in words and give it to yourself. Yeah, because also, you know, there's a little bit of like and it's not just with teachers, but I think there's a lot of careers that are this way where you kind of start thinking I'm doing this great thing. I'm doing this, you know, I, I spent all this time learning how to, I spent time and money learning how to do this, and nobody is  noticing or making me feel appreciated.

And it's like, well.  Do you appreciate the effort that you did?  Are you giving your best? Like really, are you taking care of yourself so that way you show up as your best? Or are you just constantly exhausted? Are you giving too much of yourself? You know searching for people's approval, you know, maybe you should like hold back a little bit and, and do for yourself.

Some more and help yourself out. Find a way to be a better friend to yourself. Find ways to be a better, a better support. I just realized it's not teachers. It's awesome. Others. 

Because yeah, I totally felt like that when I was resentful and frustrated in those days, you know, the early days  of my journey, I really remember how I was so resentful of my husband and the fact that he just didn't get it. He was so critical. He was always pointing out what was wrong, you know, and it must be that he's the problem, you know, obviously, because I'm not the problem.

I'm trying so hard, but I was in my head and I was really struggling. And I think that, I'm grateful for this process that I've gone through and for God's guidance. And I think that it was. It was a real shift when I realized it's not about him  as much as I want about him because it's such a useful excuse.

It's so easy for the easy target.  Yeah, it's so easy. You can just blame him. Yeah, how many mothers sit and just stew over the fact that they haven't had the energy to fold the laundry? And, and you're thinking, you're so lazy, you should be folding the laundry. And then, like, well why doesn't he fold the laundry?

 Because  you there's a part of you that's like, stop being mean to me!  Send that anger to somebody else! I'm doing the best I can and so you do you you do what your body asks you to do you send it to somebody else but then you're just spreading your mess around instead of instead of being like  you know what I bet it would probably only take me about 10 minutes to get that pile folded and I've got 15 minutes before the baby gets up so I'm gonna just go ahead and And fold those before they get up.

And then maybe the baby and I will make a game of putting them away.  Like, or by the way, you also have an option of not folding laundry and that's okay.  You can just be like, It's in the chair. If you need it, just go get it out of the chair.  No, seriously, I think there's a lot. There's so much pressure from within, you know, one of  my biggest things was like, I had to have food ready every single day when they came home and I felt exhausted, just drained from the pressure of having to do it.

And when I gave myself permission to like, I don't have to, I get to, I get to, right. And I get to when I can, and I get to, you know, When I want to do it, I'll do it.  Yeah, but you know what? Sometimes I don't and the kids come home and they're like, Oh, let me just look whatever there is in the fridge and they take out, you know, whatever leftovers.

They're still alive. You know, it's still okay.  They're still happy. They're going in plans. They're, they're doing great. Yeah. And it's, it's really important for you to realize that  there's a lot of things that we're talking about. Yeah.  You have to, you should, this is the most important, but  really, really, at the end of the day, if you're going to be resisting all this have to and should stuff,  give yourself permission to not have to.

And see where it takes you, because it takes away a lot of the pressure, a lot of the drainage of the energy that's just, you know, ugh.  Making you exhausted. Yeah,  so it's important to just pay attention to just how negative you talk to yourself and  You know disagree with that negativity argue  Don't buy it.

Don't buy it. Don't buy that negativity sometimes Yeah, but you'll know when you're like, okay, I'm doing this to myself. I they're right. I am setting myself up for This for my life to be a lot harder because I am avoiding this task or I'm avoiding this, you know, this phone call or whatever it is. You know what I find?

I find that having a coach pushes me to have more honest conversations with myself because I know that if I bring it up to her, then, you know, she's going to say XYZ and then I'm going to say, yeah, but I don't want to hear that, you know, and then I'm going to say, and then she's going to say that. So it just, you know,  it shortcuts my entire process.

I didn't even bring it to her. I just had this, you know, cause you know what your coach is going to say. So if you're not somebody  who is just naturally able to coach yourself, I think there are some of us, I'm, I'm one of those people that  I can coach myself. Not to say that I don't sometimes I still you know I have Mentors and friends that I do reach out to to Kind of freshen my perspective and make sure that I'm you know that I am being honest with myself But if you're not in the practice of being able to coach yourself spending time with a coach You know at least having a couple of sessions with a coach  is going to be very helpful for you and  worth learning it's worth the investment.

One of the great things that I love about coaches  is that they teach you how to ask yourself questions.  And they teach you how to ask  questions that are very pointed, like you have to be honest with your answer. There's no getting around it. And I love that because that you can't, you can't get away from it.

 You have to answer the question, and when you answer the question, when you're honest, you open yourself up, and opening yourself up, and getting out the negative, getting out the pain, getting out the hurt, getting out the judgment, getting out whatever the negative is, you make room for the positive to come in.

You immediately fill it with positive. Don't leave that space empty. When you get the negative out, fill it with positive. So say, I'm judging myself because I haven't folded the laundry in a week. Okay. for listening.  I haven't folded the laundry in the week because I haven't been sleeping because the baby's getting me up or I have a lot of, you know, I have a lot of work.

There's extra work this week. You know what? I deserve some grace. I deserve something. I can ask for help. I forbid. I ask for help or I just be okay with us pulling clothes off of the couch this week and I'll get to it later.  You know, the world is not going to fall apart because you have a season in your life where you just can't get to the laundry very well.

So you know, it's just a season. Things change. That's why we work on ourselves. We change. We grow. You won't be in that space forever. You can get out of it. You will get out of it. Yes. I love it And by the way, you were saying about having the skills to coach yourself I think that most of us have that only because we've been around coaches for so long So I don't think I had these skills Earlier on when I didn't hire coaches the first moment I spent money on a coach I changed and I  had a Growth spurts every single time I invest in a coach.

I see a growth spurt That is beyond anything I could have done on my own and They teach you how to think they train your brain to open up to different things and depending on what you know What coach I hired and what the goal was and where I was going That was the thing that really pushed the needle for me A lot of times I see even with the people who sign up to work with me  just signing up They already have results before the first session even started  Right and this happened actually by the way last week somebody signed up We had a discovery call and in the discovery call I made things very clear to her like oh This is what's going on.

And this is what you want. And this is whatever she's like, wow I never thought about it that way. Okay, she decided she's signing up. She got her husband's blessing They sent the money and the next day she already was doing Towards her goals. I didn't even say anything. I didn't do anything. She didn't even have access to the stuff yet And she already saw results and that's the power of investing in yourself and committing to yourself There is something so beautiful and so marvelous about it and people are like, yeah, but I'm so scared But like such a big investment  and this and that the other it's like You don't realize how much time you're buying.

You don't realize how much energy you're buying. You don't realize how much clarity you're going to get.  Yeah. It's, it's kind of the same way with energy work. I usually have  a consultation  with a new client and it's so fun to hear, the client is like,  We just start talking and they're telling me about and sometimes just being able to talk to somebody about your issue that you need worked On your your your struggle your boundary just being able to have somebody to talk to who's totally  Removed from your emotions who's totally on the outside is so freeing and it already opens up.

 It's asking for help Syndrome or something. I don't even know I'm just making something up here But when you when you open yourself up to ask for help however, it is that you're gonna ask for help  then you just you're automatically going to receive you're opening up  and God is going to absolutely drop something in there because he's like  Quick get it in there.

And it's no so you're gonna stop  you're going to start changing. And then when you actually go through and you do the work, you know, whether it's with a coach or what, if you have energy work done or somatic therapy, like whatever it is that you've chosen to help yourself.  Once you go through and you do the work, you're really going to rearrange the way you think.

And you're really going to make progress on a lot of stuff. If that's what you want. Now, if you don't really want, To make progress.  If you just really do want to stay where you are, then you're going to spend thousands and thousands of dollars just staying put because that's what you want.

So, you know, I think that most people,  the hardest thing is getting over.  Wanting, you know, they don't give themselves permission to want and as soon as you're willing to want  The doors open up the gates just yeah, you know And there's also a lot of people that do have deep seated trauma  And if you have deep seated trauma like  if you were neglected As a child, even if it was emotionally or physically, if you were neglected or if you were abused,  that's a big deal.

And you really do need to, to seek out a trauma therapist to help you  really move some stuff. Cause  what that does when you have a big trauma as a child, that devalues your self worth. So therefore you don't think that you're worthy. to change, to grow, to think better about yourself, because you were conditioned, at a small age, that  You're not so special.

You're not worth it. You're just whatever. And that's that's really deep seated. So  It's important to choose Correctly choose  your professional so if you do have that then you would want to choose a coach or a therapist who has experience with Getting to traumas and  Working through those, but if you don't have them, if you had just a, you know, a regular childhood with just,  normal, when I would say normal traumas normal challenges, then you can absolutely,  use a coach, use a best friend, use a whatever to help you get yourself in gear and help you get yourself aligned and help you help yourself so that you get to know yourself and be who you want to be.

I love it how you say best friend, but I do want to say something. Even my best friends don't take my advice  and I'm a coach guys. I'm really good at this. And my best friends.  You know, I can give them all of the goodness. I can hang out with them in the park for two hours and tell them everything that I tell my clients, but there is not a readiness to hear and there isn't an openness to take action because they're not invested.

And a lot of times, yeah, I think some people really do have to put your money where your mouth is. Like, if you really do want help, you need to pay for it. Like, you actually do need to put the money on the table, because then it's serious.  Then you're really making a commitment. But if you have just free help all the time, you know, maybe you're not gonna hear it so well, because they're your friend. 

Also, there's no urgency. You know, I have a friend  who's opening up a business and she's like, Oh, by the way, just give me a little tip. What should I do now? And what should I do now? And what should I do now? And I tell her, I tell her what to do. Cause  you know, I don't mind. I'll tell you, but I know it's not going to be the same.

You know, I tell you what to do. Okay. So it took her two weeks to do her homework that I told her what to do, and then she turned around and was like, okay, it's done. What should I do now? And I'm like, okay, so now do this. No, I don't know how to do that. It's too much. You know? And she goes into her own, like, you know, brain drama thing.

And it never happens because she's not. keep going. She's not able to actually have the support and have the how and you know, I could tell you what to do, but it's not necessarily going to be, you know, the thing that moves you a lot of times.  The how and the why are so much more helpful, but for that, you need to really spend the time and the energy investing.

Yeah. It just totally goes back to, to what you said. It's, it's the want. How bad do you want it? And what are you willing to do to, to get there? And you know, if the goal is to work on yourself, if the goal is to break your nature and you know that you self sabotage, you know that you could only ever get so far, then you have to do something different.

And if you've never paid for help before, then you should probably think about paying for help because that's, that's doing something different. You know, what, what is it? The. The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time.

We don't be sputtering like that. You know, we're not meant to do that. Hashem created us, God created us in his image. And so that means that  we are meant to become bigger where we are meant to become whole. And you're not going to do that if you're just spinning around in the same circle all the time.

So you have to do something different and it might not be comfortable. It might be a little painful.  It's worth it.  That's totally worth it. And I love how we came back to the beginning of our conversation, you know, really to wrap it up, get to know yourself. Do you need to pay for accountability? Do you need to pay for, getting clarity?

Do you need to pay for, like you said, getting through the trauma? Do you need to get, you know, learning how to think and how to actually coach yourself? All these things are very. specific and each coach has their own specialty. What I say is if you've never paid for coaching before, make it your goal to find your coach, not even hire her, just find who you're going to work with because you're going to start to stumble around people who are, you know, different and find out that each person has their niche and really, get to know 

their personality and the things that they're saying and how they speak and do I connect to their style? This is all really going to get you closer and closer to actually finding the person. And as soon as you find the person,  God is going to guide you. If you're very clear about, I am looking for my coach.

And once I find her, then I'll know that it's time.  Once you find her also, the money comes  into your life, right? Somehow, All works out, all works out. That, that's, that's my story with energy work.  I was never into energy, like Reiki and, and stuff like that. Before I met Rebetson Orit Esther Reiter through the internet.

I never By the way, she was the, she was a guest here. That's awesome. She spoke about happiness. I'm sure, oh, well, I'm sure that was a good, a good program. But You know, that was that was the way it was with energy work.  I knew that  I have a strong hold on intuition  and I have a unique view and understanding  of things sometimes and I didn't know what I was going to do with this gift.

I knew it was a gift because I knew there were a lot of people that didn't think the way that I thought  and saw things the way that I saw things. So I knew it was a gift, but I didn't know what to do with it. And then I started learning Torah with the Rebbetzin and then she started talking about the energy therapy.

And I realized. This is what I need to try and I never intended for it to be something that I do on the side. I never intended to be paid for it. I was literally doing it because I wanted to work on myself. I wanted to work on my husband and my children to help them clear out things and stuff. And that was it.

That was it. And now  thank God, I have plenty of work to do. It's a nice little addition to our family income. And you know,  I get to help people and I learn constantly, constantly, you know, my, my clients,  I'm just always amazed  in helping other people, what I'm being shown about myself and I'm capable of, because sometimes I'm like, Oh, there's no way, I can work with this client.

I don't see how. And then all of a sudden I realized I am helping this client. They're very happy with the results that they're getting and they're moving forward  in their life and, and  it's very, it's very satisfying and but it's a, it's a challenge, you know,  since it's not something that was my goal or whatever, it's just like been flowing or  I find sometimes that I have to, I have to fight myself, you know, to, to like, you know, Get to it and, and things like that, because it's like, well, I didn't ask for this.

This wasn't my goal.  So that's my own stubbornness that comes in, you know? And  so we all have what to work on. I'm still working on myself. I'm pretty sure I'll be working on myself till the last day. Yes, I think we all are. And that's the whole point is there's never really a point where you get, okay, check mark, I'm done.

I'm there. I made it. It's more like I'm gonna keep going and you know, that's what yeah, that's what the finite goals are That's what the I'm gonna be a doctor. I'm gonna be a mother. I'm gonna be a wife You know, that's what that's what those are. Those are like they have an expiration date Or they have a complete date,  but working on yourself and just discovering what you're capable of and, and you know, where you need to work on yourself and where you need to open yourself up more to what you need to expand with yourself.

 That's a lifetime.  Yeah. I love it. Okay. We totally went over time. I'm sorry, you guys, but this was fascinating. How can people find you? Well, I have an email that Was probably too long to stay over this. So maybe we'll put it  in the chat underneath the video. But I have an email address and people can get email me if they're interested in energy work having, having me do energy work for them.

If you're interested in the program it's with Ora Muna Energy Institute out of Jerusalem, Israel. There's a website or a moon energy. com. My Rebetson has all sorts of Hoshkafa and it's beautiful.  She's actually moving it with a new name very soon. Her program is morphing and growing and it's a beautiful thing.

It's going to be Ur Navshi. So you too can become an energy person if you want to.  She has a lot of different modalities of things to use and try. Thank you. And a lot of practitioners are available through her program. So but if you want me specifically,  I do have an email address and you can email me and I will get to you. 

The email address is going to be down in the show notes and you'll be able to get that from our website and also from the show notes underneath this. Thank you so much. This was fascinating. Definitely a good episode. Thanks so much you guys for listening and make sure you come back for next week's episode.

It's going to be all about goals and marriage. So that's going to be really interesting.  And yeah. And  so much.  Yes. I always say if we're not having fun, we're not doing it right. Right. So definitely.  Thanks so much. And don't forget to be connected for real.

 And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Rebbetzin Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.