179. Know Your Boundaries

Lily Aronin is a Holistic Integrative Nutritionist, a Certified Weight Loss Specialist, and a Healthy chef. Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman is a marriage coach for women in business. This episode's topic is all about Boundaries and G-d. In this episode we will discuss Lily's unique approach to health, and how to live within your boundaries and let G-d do the rest. 

Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let's get started. 

 And we are  live. Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, and today with me is Lily Aronin I'm so excited because I love Lily. She has been here before  and it's such a fun thing to have her because our conversations always go so smoothly and so well, and we have so much to say.

So welcome Lily.  Before I let Lily introduce herself again, I will tell you guys our topic today is boundaries and God, and this is specifically why I brought Lily because she's so much fun to talk about this with. Lily, introduce yourself and then we'll get right into it.  So I'm a holistic nutritionist. I help  Jewish women specifically with their mind and body health, their nervous system regulation, feeling safe, feeling secure, feeling empowered, nurtured and nourished for yourself so that you can be the person that you're meant to be and help you fulfill your potential through really nourished and nurturing approach. 

I love that. I love that. And  you know, we once talked about what's not on your plate, and I think that's part of what's on your plate as well. And it's really, I. Very powerful. Can you just talk a little bit about that before we get into the boundaries and G-d?  Absolutely. So I'm a big believer that most people know what healthy food is, know what feels good to them, know generally what they should be eating.

It's everything else that gets in the way. It's everything that's not on the plate. It's how we're feeling about our work, how we're feeling about our finances, how we're feeling about our parenting, how we're feeling about our life that overwhelms our system and we can't listen to our body and we can't take action on the healthy, nurturing, nourishing food we want to eat instead.

You know, we just wanna grab the closest thing to us or the thing that's gonna give us the next big burst of energy. And  we stop thinking about what's really taking care of ourselves and we wanna relearn that. We wanna learn how to separate what doesn't belong on our plate. Give it over to God put it where it belongs and focus our. 

Nourishment on food that's nurturing and use it as a platform to be able to go off and address all the other challenges that we have in our life. I also think food is the best place to practice all the other life skills that we need. Patience, compassion, empathy nervous system regulation you know, delayed gratification.

Everything else that we need it to be successful. The first place that we interact with that on a daily basis is with our food.  Yes. Yes. That's why I love Lily's approach so much. And one of the things that I really connected to really early on when we first met was the whole Shabbat blueprint, whatever, what is it called?

Mm-hmm. The Shabbat Something Blueprint. Yeah. I have a Shabbat, a Shabbat Ideal Way Blueprint, and it's about.  Seeing that it's a, it's a online course. You can take it in your own time. I think we've had over 200 Jewish women go through the course already  and have tremendous transformative experiences in their Shabbat and understand that Shabbat is like your battery pack for the week.

So how you interact with food on Shabbat sends messages to your family about what your values are, about how they wanna interact with food reward transitioning. Right. Spirituality, your values, like really Shabbat is such an important thing in our Jewish life and where our food culture also has a huge impact and affects our health tremendously.

Right.   I love that you focus on what I want to eat and what matters to me versus all the negative that has been going on in the food culture.  Yeah. Like, don't eat this and you shouldn't eat that, and this is bad for you. And instead you flip it  all around and you're like,  on Shabbat

you get to eat what you love. You get to make what you love. You get to enjoy all the things, and it gives you permission to just be,  yeah, I just taught a class this morning right before I was on here to new mothers, locally on our yeshu here in Israel. And two women said to me like, you know, let's say like we had like, I don't know, seven to 10 women there and all with new babies.

And they said to me, you know, there were a few of our friends who were afraid to come 'cause they didn't wanna come to hear someone tell them everything they're doing wrong  and they said  we just walked away from this. And that was nothing. What this was like, this was, as a mother, your number one priority is your baby's imprinting off of you.

Your mental health, your physical health is a number of priorities. So breathing water, putting down your cell phone when you're nursing, making sure you're taken care of. These things are so much more important than whether or not you're eating a cookie. Like.  How to get easy grab-able proteins and vegetables and why it matters, and why you should feel so proud of yourself.

You know, one of the most important things we talked about is at the end of the day, instead of just making a to-do list of all the stuff you need to do tomorrow, actually make a list of all the things that you did that you, that you like. How many diapers did you change? How many times did you wash dishes?

How many meals did you prepare? How many, like, you know, messages did you send to check in with friends? Like, how many just good things did you do all day? Like, you get to rest now. You don't have to. Just think about all the stuff you didn't make it to, you didn't get to.  And then that's why I love you so much and that's why you're my friend and that's why I'm like calling on you to be on this specific podcast episode because I was thinking who is gonna talk about boundaries And God, if not Lily, you know, out of all the people I know, there is something that is extremely simple in the way that I connect to God.

Just like a direct line that goes up and you know, comes back down and there is this. Just back and forth and there is a real connection and it's not something that's easy to find in other people. And you have that, you have this very clear connection to God that I very much connect to. And also this positivity about seeing the world in a completely different way than most people.

And making it fun to live. Like you actually make life exciting because you're looking for what I did and what's working and what's exciting and what are we looking forward to and all about the positive, and it changes the entire narrative of everything. So let's get into the boundaries. What are boundaries?

Why are we talking about boundaries in God and what is this all about  for me, I don't know  you know, Webster's definition of boundaries is, but for me, boundaries are knowing.  What's mine and what's not mine. And it's something that is really difficult and requires a growing self-awareness.

And sometimes we learn, you know, through knocking up against something.  I do believe that positivity is the way to engage with the challenges and obstacles that we face. And I'm a big believer in the shaar habitachon  I have a group  that I lead for free. We learn it, you know, we're on our second round of it.

We learn it every single week, every Sunday. I learn it every single day myself. Let me just translate For those who don't speak Hebrew Yes. Or didn't get that that's the gate of trust. Yes. There you go. The gate of trust. And it is an amazing book. Everybody should go learn it.  Agreed.  And it really talks about boundaries.

It really talks about. If you trust in God.  Then this is yours and all of this is not yours. And since we're talking about Shabbat and Passovers coming up here you know, he talks about this Sunday when we had our class yesterday, feels like a week ago already. You know, he said that like, okay, well if you have a lot of money.

So then how do you spend that money in enhancing your participation in fulfilling the mitzvot and the commandments around Passover, for example, or any commandment, right?  Do you spend your money on your values or do you spend your money on your recreation? You know, you can spend money on a vacation and it can be a values-based vacation where it's really about the quality time that you're spending with your family, and it's really invested in building relationships, and it's really invested in true rest and rejuvenation, or it can be spent on entertainment and distraction, right?

Right. So when we're spending on mitzvot, and then he said, well, what if you don't have money? What if you don't have extra? Hashem is telling you you're perfect exactly as you are. I don't need your Seder plate to be gold and silver. I just need you to show up. You know those shabbos meals where you get invited out and you're so happy to bring a fancy dessert.

Awesome. Right? And a fancy salad and you roast the sweet potato and you toast the almonds and you do all the things. And then it's so nice to get invited out and they're like, come as you are, please don't bring anything. We've got this. You know, I think boundaries are always changing. Sometimes our boundaries are, we're just giving and we're not receiving from that person.

And sometimes our boundary needs to be, I don't have anything else to give here  safely and in a correct way. So I'm just gonna sit back and be, and I'm gonna receive, and I'm gonna be curious as to what there is to learn from this situation.  And we can only really have safe boundaries when we are relying on hashem who has no boundaries.

 And one of the things that I love that we've talked about before, one of the things I benefit so much from our relationship, like for myself, from you, is you talk about God baggage. And you know, I love saying Hashem.

Like when I talk to Hashem, I say Hashem, like that's the name that I, I connect with most. But throughout the years, there are other names, the other words that like, I really connect with like creator of the universe. Like when you think about the universe and the stars and the planets and the whole blades of grass and the science of it, and the quantum field of it and the whole thing, and you're like the creator and constant master of the universe. 

He is reliable. Like he's got me. I, I can do my little thing because all this other stuff that's making me crazy in the world right now, like there's a creator and master of that. That's not my job.  Right? And then, you know, Avinu Malkenu, my father, my king. So like when you want that like intimate  relationship where you need stuff, you need love, you need prosperity, you need stuff.

Like if you petition your king and he's your father, by the time you finished writing the request, you are already sure the check is in the mail,  right? Like  creating, it could only have a positive outlook on the challenges and unpleasantness and negative emotions that we all feel, which are a very important part of life.

When you also know that you're safe. Within the struggle that you're going through. And I think that's where the boundaries have to be of  I am going through a struggle.  I am not the struggle.  I am safe. I am being. I am a being  that's in a circumstance of a challenge, an obstacle. You know,  wow, you said so many good things.

I'm like, can we just Wow. Collect all these things and like go really deep into each one.  Oh, this is so beautiful. So for those listening, lemme just give you a little bit of like, backtrack. Big picture.  I take in this podcast  one topic and. Address it from four different angles based on the four pillars of my program.

So there's God, marriage, business, and you. Those are the four pillars. And today we're addressing it through the lens of God, right? So boundaries and God, next week is going to be boundaries and marriage. And the week after is gonna be boundaries and business and then boundaries in you. So we're gonna be talking a lot about boundaries. 

And I think the reason why it's so cool that it came out this way, you know, with  the framework and you know, just the fact that we're starting out with boundaries in God is we have first get really clear on the framework of what this world is all about. God is no boundaries  and anything that we think God can't do, or it's too much for God to deal with, or I don't wanna bother God.

And like you were saying, this is all God baggage. Stop it because that is distracting you from what you're actually here to do. Which is be right. Be and show up the way you are meant to be, and not try to be someone else and not compare yourself to anybody else. And not push yourself to be more than, but just be, you know.

And the controlling. And the controlling. Right. The Oh yeah.  I think one of the main God boundaries is timing,  is we want it on our timetable. Mm-hmm.  And we have this like tiny glimpse of our own life. We have only the present moments. And even though in the past we can look back and be like,  of course, God's timing is always the best.

You know? Right. But in the present moment,  we only have the moment that we're in and we want something now, or we don't want the thing that's happening right now to be happening right now. And turning things over to God's timing and understanding that we have time boundaries, but he doesn't. Right? So if there's something that you're feeling like stuck, right then it might be that you're, you're hitting your own boundaries.

And so if you want something that isn't in your space and within your boundaries, that we have to turn it over to God who has no boundary and who's the past, the present in the future for him. He knows the exact time everything is happening to unfold at the perfect time of ripeness. And we don't wanna rush it.

We want it to be  the best. And sometimes we're like, I don't know. I could take it a little less, a little less best than a little more now.  But we don't really mean it because when we get not what we really wanted and we get it now, we're not happy.  Right? We're like, oh, I should have waited, right? Like if I just would've, who's made cookies?

Like, like take them out of the oven either too early or too late and you're like,  okay,  timing matters.  Time matters. You know what's amazing? You were saying we wanna control it. We want it on our terms, but because we are so limited, we don't actually know what our terms means. Like we think we know what we want, but then you always have this like moment of, if I would've been in charge, we would've been in so much trouble right now.

Right? Because only after things can you look back and say, oh, I get it now, but.  There is, there's something really limited about our ability to see beyond our own nos that is built in on purpose. You know, this isn't a mistake. It's not like, oh, God made you limited so that you don't get it. No, no, no. God made you limited so that you have to be present because there's no other way. 

Yeah. And then can you bring God into this present moment? Can you connect to God through this present situation without having to change it and without having to be like, are we there yet? Are we there yet? You know, can you imagine what a relationship it is if you just keep asking like, can I be there already?

Can we get there already? Like, and you're like, I'm driving. I really, we're almost there. Don't chill out, don't worry about it. But can you know, instead, can we be like, I'm so excited we're going there. I'm on the right track. I'm, you know, with the best driver. Everything is under control. It's such a different energy.

Such a different energy. You know, there's a visualization I taught in R BTA class I dunno, a few weeks ago I was struggling with something and like, you know, when  it just, this, this conflict is just coming up in your mind again and again and again and again and again. It's not even in front of you.

And normally you wouldn't even think about this thing so much, but because it's a problem now, it just won't leave you alone. And I was like talking to Hashem and I'm like, God, like you need to take this outta my mind. 'cause my mind, I understand it's trying to be self-protective. It's trying to keep me safe.

So it's reminding me that there's this like thing and I really imagined being in a car and pull, asking God to pull over to the side so I could like, take this really annoying passenger, like this thing and just put it in the trunk and like you're in charge of all the baggage. I'm not in charge of carrying all the baggage.

So like. I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna go and I'm gonna put it in the trunk and it's gonna be God's problem. And I'm gonna enjoy the rest of this ride because there is nothing within my boundaries to do about this situation. I've done everything that's on my side  now. Anything else that has to happen has to happen from the other person's side, but I don't have to keep that  notification popping up in my brain every five minutes.

Let's go move it to the trunk. And it comes from in the, the story of this guy gets picked up with, he has all these  heavy packages and this driver, you know, stops on the side of the road and says, Hey, I'll give you a ride. And he has, you know, a cart and a donkey. And so the guy gets on and he's still carrying his bag.

He's like, you know, you could put your bag down for the same price. He's like, no, it would be too much for you to carry it for me. He's like,  you're in my cart. You think you carrying the bag makes it lighter  for me.  It doesn't work like that.  So  I was like, okay,  I need to modernize this in my own mind.

'cause it's hard to relate to,  but I could put it in the trunk, right? Like, I don't have to suffer with this when God's carrying me anyway.  You know? And I, I think that's where the, the concept of boundaries with God comes in is that,

you know, whenever I'm encountering a challenge and we counter so many challenges in the last, you know, few years is there anything I can do? Is there anything I can do? Like  I will learn a new skill, I will read a book, I will go to a therapist. I will sch let my kids here, I will do this kind of testing.

I will figure out what needs to be figured out  and I. As you start to do stuff and you do your, you're like, wait, like  is this something that is, is mine to fix? Like is this something  that I can fix? Or is this not in my boundaries? Is this in God's boundary  and trying to check in more and more before you use up all your energy on the stuff that's not yours, and then you don't have the stuff left to work on the stuff you're supposed to be working on.

Like Yeah. You know, Byron Katie calls that, you know, you're not at your desk like you're doing someone else's job and your desk is empty and you're not at your desk and you're not serving and you're not, you know, fulfilling your job because you're too busy fulfilling everybody else's job. You know, your husband's job, your children's job, God's job.

You're just running around trying to do everybody else's work. It's like, can you just be  at your desk and do your job and  don't worry about the rest 'cause it's not yours.  Yeah.  And I think that's especially hard for us as mothers, at least for me. My parents were amazing and I grew up to be a very independent kid,  but they literally called their parenting style benign neglect.

That was their name for their parenting style.  Like I was 13. And they're like, okay, here's my credit card. Book your flight home from dorm school. Like book your, like, it's not that hard. You call up the airline, you give them the credit card, you choose your flight. Like, I don't know, like they help you through it.

It's not such a big deal. And  I remember someone's like, what do you mean your parents didn't book you your flight? I'm  like, no,  I don't know. Like that wasn't such a big deal. Like, wasn't that hard, you know? And so  they really felt like anything that was ours to do, that we were capable of doing then we were supposed to do. 

But on the other hand, I was jealous of the girls whose mothers would shop for them and send them clothes and  they'd get these beautiful care packages and like, you kind of wanna be that. I wanted to be that for my kids. I wanted to be the present parent and recognizing how much of the really good stuff about myself I got, because my parents let me do stuff myself, you know?

Right. And finding the balance between what's mine to give  and what are they gonna become the best version of themselves because they have to go through the discomfort of doing it on their own.  Right. And you know, I think something about getting care packages that people who, you know, people like you who had to get their own stuff,  there are certain things you didn't give yourself permission to get.

'cause you're like, oh, this is too much.  I would never buy this for myself, but if my mother sent it to me, I'd be so happy. Right. It's like that's a real lesson.  And allow yourself to receive even from yourself the things that make you happy.  Oh my gosh, yes.  Isn't that amazing that like, we have such a hard time receiving That was such a huge part, I think, of a healthy weight loss journey for people.

And a healthy body image journey is, I always say like any good habit, you really need to invest in the reward part of it. Like, it's not just that the reward is the result. No, no, no. Like, make it fun, you know, make it playful. If you're struggling with eating at night, go get the most gorgeous, yummy PJs and  reward yourself in advance for feeling so good and finding so many other ways to relax and unwind at night. 

That, you know you should feel indulged in advance, you know? Right. You know, you just reminded me of a friend of mine from college one day  she came with her nails all done, and I was like, wow, you got your nails down look so pretty. Like, what's the occasion? Because you know, you do your nails for occasions.

And she said,  no,  I stopped watching TV and it's been a month, so I rewarded myself and I thought.  You're allowed to do that, you know,  and that was such an inspiration for me because  first of all, I was so impressed that she stopped watching TV 'cause I was on the same journey of trying to like stop watching movies.

I wasn't watching TV anymore 'cause there was nothing interesting for me at that time anymore. Like whatever. I was like over that. But the movies part was like, I'm still on the plane watching movies and like, I'm still looking forward to seeing certain things  and then I had a flight soon after that I was flying to Israel to visit my grandparents and the entire flight, I just told myself, I'm not watching any movies.

I'm gonna fill my time with everything. But, and I had such a good flight, I had so much fun. I cannot tell you what happens when you don't try to kill time and when you try to enjoy time, it's a completely different experience. Now, granted I wasn't with kids and I wasn't whatever, like this is a completely different, very neutral situation where I knew I was flying back and forth often.

And most of what I was looking forward to do was watching all these movies and then like, you know, just thinking about them for the rest of the month because like, they're stuck in my head now.  And suddenly I had this opportunity where it's like 12 hour flight and I met people on the flight and I made friends and I, you know, I did art and I journaled and like I was on fire.

I had so much fun.  And like you said, just that is the result in itself. But knowing that I can re reward myself for winning was such a motivator. Yeah. I am real big believer, but when you read the book, the Five Love Languages, as a woman, I know when I read the book, the first thing you're thinking of, Ooh, what's my husband's love language?

What's my kid's love language, right? I just wanna fill everybody's cup, but think about what are my love languages  and not, how can I tell my husband how he can fill my love language? And how can I tell my kids how they can fill my love language, but like, how can I really fill my own cup? Like for me, I, for me, quality time is really important.

Okay. Quality time is really important. And I noticed that for me, learning, like learning tour every day like I do the daily, the daily learning on, on Chaba, the Thetas and having a daily time where I learn  having things daily is me feeding that quality time with God is like me feeding that boundary of like, what fills me up.

Also, when I see clients, like people used to say like, don't do so many zooms. Like, you're offering your time and you're not getting paid enough to do something. I'm like, but you know what? I enjoy the quality time with the people I'm invested in helping. So like, it's really more enjoyable for me to go to work and see somebody and have a real conversation with them than to just answer emails because people don't wanna waste my time. 

Right. I, I, to me it's a, it's an act of love to give somebody my time. And I, and I think when we,  that's part of love, having a boundary. A boundary is. These are my love boundaries. Like this is how I take in like a cell. A boundary is semi-permeable. Like stuff goes in, stuff goes out, and that's how, you know, that's where the end of the cell is.

Like love has to come in and love has to go out and we're talking about boundaries with God. So  whatever your love language is, if your love language is gifts,  then turn, you know, gif into in your meets, vote into something you know, you know, more beautiful. But if it's quality time, then am I spending quality time with God every day?

It's probably why I like meditating and journaling is because that's my, once I, I hated it originally, but once I got into showing myself love and quality time, that is my quality time with myself every day, you know? Right.  Okay. So I want everybody listening to open up YouTube and search. The five Love languages and our relationship with hashem.

There is a class that I gave really early on in my YouTube channel. I think it's like the fifth YouTube video I've ever made or something like that. And it is a very, very powerful training because exactly what you said, we get the opportunity to take the love language that is strongest in us and turn it around to ourselves and fill ourselves up with those.

Love languages. And by the way, it does not surprise me because I'm also quality time. And my second one is words of affirmation. Like those two really fill me up. So when people tell me how awesome I am, I'm like, yes, I'm drinking it up. Tell me more. Because I love it and it makes me so happy. And you know, of course the beginning of my marriage was all about, why don't you tell me, you know, you love me.

Why don't you say nice things? Why are you always critical? Because I needed so badly the words of the positive, and my husband is not in this language.  He's learned, he's been very nice about trying really hard, but his love language is acts of service. So he's just doing things for me. He is like, what do you mean I don't love you?

Don't you see I do the dishes, don't you see I help out, don't you see, I, you know, I took on all of this, that and the other. So like, he so much is showing me love in his own language and to me it's like, does not speak, it does not compute. I'm like, who cares? So the dishes are done, but like I want your time and your words.

I want your attention. I want, you know, just all that. Yeah. But it does not surprise me that we're both like, you know, so into getting into getting together in person and having quality time together and all these things because it is really filling for us. And you know, when you're talking about boundaries, and I love how we are talking about all the different types of boundaries, like the semi-permeable and the boundary around  your yard, right?

There's like certain things that show people, this is where my house ends and this is where your place begins. And like, it's very clear that this is  our boundary,  but there's also the boundary of your container, you know? And so there's the ability to sort of expand your container and allow more in, there's, you know, just sort of like hugging it in and allowing it to just like, you know, hold you more,  we get to decide that,  you know, what else you said really reminds me of this idea of expanding our awareness, like you said, expanding our container.

To me that's like, if I know where I end, I.  I can expand beyond that, then I can see that you're different from me. I can see that you are giving me love. You're just giving it in your own boundary of your container. You are giving me love in your container. And when we can like see beyond ourselves like that, our container's, the right container.

It's just our container.  It's one of many containers.  It is so beautiful that you said the right, because we're all walking around the world and  you know. I wanna hear from you guys. 'cause this one is actually really hitting home. We're all walking around the world thinking we're wrong. There's something wrong with me.

I'm not exactly right. I need to be more perfect. I need to be more this, I need to be more, that I should like this and not that I am supposed to do it this way. And ah, it is draining. And like you're talking about containers, your container is completely broken when you believe it's broken. Like you're just draining energy from all sides.

And what if you just were like, what if you just are exactly as you need to be imperfect and all  just so that you can do your job.  You know, if you ever go to a glass workshop, everything is in a different shape. I. Right. And it's all beautiful different colors and there's no two pieces of glass that are made by, you know, a, a creator and not a machine's hands that are identical, right?

And like, back to the beginning of the conversation, creator of the universe, master of the universe. Like we are all a very unique piece of artwork. But even if, you know, you and I are both drinking glasses. We're not the same drinking glasses. We got different colors, we have different shapes, we have different, you know points of beauty and ways we reflect light.

And  it's not just that, I think sometimes we think we're wrong, sometimes we're so confused. 'cause  if we're right, right? If I'm allowed to be right and I'm allowed to be, but no one else is like me, then how do I know I'm okay?  Right?  Not only that, if I'm right, then what does that mean about the other person?

They must be wrong. Right, right, right. Like we are living in such a world that is completely  win-lose, you know? And God's world is win-win. There is no, nobody loses. Everybody is exactly as they need to be. And everything is exactly as it needs to be and everything is good. And you're like, how could that be?

You know? And it's yes, because we are so blinded by all of  the illusions of this world. Yeah. That, you know what if I am right and you are right and he's right,  and she's right, and we're all right  exactly as we are supposed to be. The only way it works is if God's in control. Right. Because otherwise it's anarchy and chaos and it's not fair.

And we feel like five year olds, right? No, it's not fair that she's not good at doing the dishes and I'm good at doing the dishes, and so I have to do all the dishes,  right.  Well, it's true that you're good at doing dishes. It's true she doesn't like doing the dishes, but does that mean that you have to do all the dishes or is it okay that you're gonna do some things you're not so good at and she's gonna do something she is not so good at?

And sometimes you're gonna do more of what you're good at, and sometimes you're gonna have to do more of what you're not great at  because it's gonna enhance other skills and things that you're gonna like.  But we are not in charge of the synchronicity of all of those unique things happening at the same time.

We're talking about names of God. Right. Those boundaries you have David calls God the conductor in Psalms. Right In t  there were all these instruments and pieces of artwork and God's the one who's creating the museum or the, you know, orchestra of how we're all gonna play together and we are not gonna be able to figure that out.

Right. Right. You know, in our homes, in our families in our lives.  I love that you said that because we're trying so hard, we're going back to the control, but we are trying so hard to control it. We're like, well, if you are not gonna do it means I have to do it and I don't wanna do it all, so then I'm exhausted and I'm resentful and I'm annoyed and da da da.

Right? You guys know, my specialty is marriage, so I'm always in marriage, but like, hello. Just because he can't do it or doesn't wanna do it does not mean you have to do it. And  let's get creative. And who's the most creative, if not the creator? Right? So allow God in to come up with new solutions you didn't think about.

And,  and watch how awesome that is.

  Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly, feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one-on-one private coaching is for, and I want to invite you, just you and me.

For a free deep dive discovery call, this is a 60 minute free call where I ask you lots of questions and we extract the three main things that are holding you back. I then put together a personalized plan for you where I create a roadmap of recommendations. With practical steps,  the call is free and so valuable in itself.

So go book yours today. Now back to the show. 

  So again, like I see it in food and health and like people come to both time and they're like, you know, today I was at the, the new mothers and they're like, well, but what's the best food for me? Like, if we're gonna talk about this, then what's the best? I'm like, there's no best.

What do you enjoy? Well, the water I drink, does it have to be like really cold or lukewarm? Like what are the benefits to each cup? I'm like,  don't stress about that. Just get the water and like get the water in and the way you enjoy. Like if you enjoy a big bottle with mint leaves, forget a mint leaves.

If you enjoy a small cup and it's warm, drink it that way. But there are so many causes of causes of causes of synchronicity in the human body. Give up thinking that you can completely control your health and just do your job  of taking care of yourself. I love it. I love it. I love it. This is so powerful.

It's so powerful. And it also gives you permission to do the thing you love, which you know, I have the Calm Method, right? So the four steps to creating flow. Step one, connect to yourself, what do you want?  And we have not been given the permission to want, because people are like, well, you know, there's needs and wants and you know, your wants don't matter because needs are more important and you should just invest in your needs and move on.

And God is like, no, no, no, I've got the needs. You just chill. I have everything you need. You gotta focus on what you want, because that's really where you're meant to serve. That's really where you're going to show up and be. So giving yourself permission to want the glass cup and not the plastic by the way, like.

 Once I realized that I like drinking from glass and I feel like a little kid drinking from plastic,  it was so liberating because I could just be like, Hey, can I have a glass of water? And  you know, there was a couple of times where I was just like, whatever, I'm not gonna stress. And I just drink it outta the plastic because I'm a big girl and I can handle it, whatever.

But when I ask my kids for water, they know to get the glass cup and they know to bring it to me, you know? And oh, and it's so fun to enjoy  those little things, the little things that don't matter, but they do because you're allowed, right? People are like, you deserve it. You deserve anything. You're, you're a human being.

God put you here, you deserve, but you're allowed. Right. You're allowed to enjoy, you're allowed to have fun. You're allowed, it's not, it's not irresponsible. You know, sometimes we feel like it has to be the hard way. And again, because we're trying to do everyone else's job at their desk, like you said, like at your desk. 

If you were at your own, like someone told me this who wasn't, maybe it was the el true. She'll give her, we'll give her credit. Whether she said it or not, she talked about how you know, if you, if you were, you know, hired by a company, they provide you with a computer, right? They provide you with everything you need.

Like if you'd show up at like the high, the highest like fanciest company with your own computer, they'd be like, look at you like, what? You don't think we, we can provide you with that? Like,  what's going on here? Like, this is what we bring you. Right. And. When that comes to your boundaries, right? My boundaries is, this is my desk.

Your desk is gonna have a glass cup on it 'cause it's your desk. And so of course it has to fit you.  Right? And this is also why, you know, we believe in bioindividuality and the body. It's not the same cookie cutter. Food is exactly the same for every person. Vegetables are great for everybody. Water's great for everybody.

But somebody who already has an autoimmune disease and struggles to process fiber, the same vegetables that would be good for most people are not good for them. And somebody, you know, who celiac, it doesn't matter how great and high fiber that bread is, it's not gonna be good for them. But there's a lot more subtle things like that that go person to person  and,  you know, their bottle was created a certain way.

 And we always have opportunities, you know, and like when it comes to Pesach.  I taught  my Thrive 2025 year long group. This week on Sunday we did our first of two pre Pesach off calls. And people are like, yeah, but what do you do about the Seder? Like, are you really drinking four glasses of wine and eating all that matzah?

And I said, yes. No one is ever gonna be harmed by fulfilling a mitzvah the way they're supposed to. And I have clients who are, you know, Hasidic a different sex and they only eat vegetables that are peeled and bought ahead of time. And I have once to eat kidney on it, people all over. I'm like,  when we're eating in alignment with our values,  that's never the problem.

It's the emotional eating. It's that when we're dysregulated and we didn't take the time to, we were so busy doing everyone else's stuff, we didn't take care of ourselves. Like all of those things where we were doing God's job. Mm-hmm. And we didn't make the time for our job. That's where we have these big holiday weight gains are like, we really needed to sleep and instead we're out and we're doing more cooking and more preparing and more this, and we didn't like lower the menu or manage our guest list or  ask for help, you know?

I think it's, it's really interesting, you know, sometimes I'll have, yeah, we, yeah, my husband brings his his students sometimes  for Shabbat. We do like a Shabbat,  and I love it. It, it's so much fun because there's all these like, awesome guys around and they'll come to the kitchen and say, how can I help?

And I have to pause for a second. Like, my first reaction is like, no, don't worry about it. And then I'm like, no, no, no. I am worrying about it. I want all of you to help. I just need to figure out what I can give you. Right? Because. These are the things I have to do. These are the things like you can pick from, what are you good at?

 And then suddenly they're like, oh, I love making salad. I love cutting up salad. There's this one guy who comes and makes salad every time he's here because that is his favorite thing to do. And you would think like, no, whatever. I'm not gonna make these guys whatever. But like, no, no, no. Ask them.

Because here's the thing about, right, you were talking about the boundaries. They have that need and want to  provide and help and be part of Right when you help, you belong. You belong. You're no longer a guest, you're now part of the family. Yeah. And this is a gift that I am giving him to belong and do something for everyone. 

And if I would say like, no, no, no, don't help. It's fine.  It's, it's subtle, but it's a real rejection.  Yeah.  Yeah. But I remember, I remember when I went to a friend's house and  she got up to help her mother got up to help and all the guys stayed at the table. And I got up to help too.

'cause what, I'm gonna stay with all the guys at the table, right? She's like an only girl. So I get up to help and she like pushes me down, says, guests don't help. I'm like, yeah, but does it make any sense that I stay at the table with your brothers? Like, does this, does this compute? You know? And so I got up anyway and I was like, I don't have to help, but I'm coming to the kitchen, you know?

And I remember feeling  so proud of myself for speaking up and like really doing the thing that felt the most comfortable for me, but also taking that note into my mind and being like, I don't wanna be like that. You know? I want guests to help. Because it makes you feel at home. Yeah.  We have, but we love hosting seminary girls.

We had four amazing girls from Moor this past week, and it was so sweet by the end of Shabbos. I have one daughter who's a really picky eater and you know, like the kids do this thing with their mom, like, what is there to eat? There's nothing to eat, there's nothing mommy to eat. And you're like, okay, there's cottage cheese.

No, there's tuna fish. No, there's peanut butter. No. And one of the girls who was staying with us is like, I'm gonna help her figure something to eat. And I was like,  please go for it. She literally opened my fridge and stood there with my daughter and she's like, don't worry, I wouldn't do this in my own siblings, but you know,  for somebody else i'll.

And she cut my daughter the salad like. I, it was such a lovely thing, and at first I was like, oh. She's like,  I need to take care of my own kid. Like, why is she, I'm like, no. Like she just had this moment with this house and she was so happy she left. She's like, I was such an amazing shot. I was, I felt so like, you know, and they bonded over, you know, somebody else doing this thing for her  and anything that she couldn't accept for me, she can easily accept from, you know, somebody else.

Right. Of course. If I would've said that, I'll make you a salad. No, I don't want that.  You know, anything, anything to make you feel like you're a bad mom.  Right. It's so funny,  we're such complicated people. You were saying about how our body digests food. Yeah. Depending on how we feel about it.

And it's yeah's something that we have to realize. Right? It's like.  All the guilt, all the shame, all the discomfort about like what are people thinking? What am I supposed to do? This is not how it meant to be. I like, no, it's fine. You know,  and I remember very distinctly after my birth  with my number six, it was in the hospital and this was after I had my home birth.

That was not intentional with my fifth.  And my husband said, you can't have a mistake twice, so let's go to the hospital for the second one early. And so like I had an exhausting day waiting to the hospital, like, you know, not wanting to go home because I knew if I go home then I'm not coming back, right?

So I just spent  a whole day waiting outside the hospital. 'cause I didn't wanna go in, but I also didn't have where to go anyway. I finally go in the hospital, my water broke, blah, blah, blah. I go in and thank God birth was fine.  And at the end of the birth I was exhausted and hungry. I was starving. I was so hungry.

And they went and found white bread and white cheese  and brought it to me and said, this is all that's left in the fridge of the nurses. And I was like, these are like the two things. I don't eat right. Like I only eat whole wheat for like years and years and years of my life. 'cause white bread really hurts my stomach and does not make me feel good.

And white cheese was like something I was not eating for a while because like dairy and stuff, it just wasn't sitting right. And I, I, I remember very distinctly I sat there, I, I took a deep breath and I said, Hashem.  You made this baby come out of me all naturally and everything thank God is great. You are going to give my body the ability to digest this thing that maybe in other circumstances wouldn't be good for me.

But right now you are the one making it possible. And I sat there and enjoyed every bite, and I chewed it and I swallowed it. And I enjoyed it because, you know, when was the last time I had this, like in my mind it was junk food because it was things that I would avoid. Right? Right. But like, I'm sitting there and enjoying it and just  letting it be.

And I really was intentional and you know, what happened?  Nothing. My stomach didn't hurt. I wasn't, you know in pain. I was fine.  Everything was okay. I got to the morning breakfast, I got real food and it was okay. And I thought to myself, isn't that amazing how our body is so brilliant? But not only that, it's because God created it that way.

Yeah. And very, very often, like I have three kids with Celiac, which is an autoimmune. And very often I can tell you those kids, their emotions live in their body.  it's not surprising to me, right?  Because their emotions live in their body.  And the more that you have to feel your feelings and not  feel them physically and process them.

And you can't do that for your kids. All you can do is set an example and have a safe space and love them through it. And it's not their fault that, you know, they have celiac. It's the way their body reacted to them and their life and their, and their thing.  And things can change, but.  Now they have to take care of themselves to this level.

And you just, you can see it, and you can see it with, people suffer with acid, when have clients who have acid and I say, take a probiotic and we work with it, but so much of it is the stuff they don't wanna do. They're like, no, I'm coming to you to know what to eat. I'm like, I know. But we also need to learn how to breathe. 

We also need to learn how to breathe through our nose and to breathe into our stomach and to get our body into rest and digest and not always be digesting when we're in a stressed mode. And then the acids coming up and then you're getting an acid stomach. And also explaining to people why there's nothing wrong with you.

Like if you're constantly dehydrated and you're also always constantly saying like, my blood sugar's low. I need sugar. I need sugar, like. There's a real connection there. The more you're drinking hydrating water and maybe sweetening up the water, like having a big tea with a little bit of honey in it, the less you're gonna find that maybe you're having those sugar cravings that are really coming from dehydration, because every gram of sugar is holding three grams of water in your body.

So when you're having a sweet craving, your body's like actually just taking care of itself. And like,  you know, I had a client who was all of a sudden at night having fruity Pebbles, which is like this junky, junky cereal. And she's healthy, and she's like, I don't know what happened.

  And I keep telling myself  one bowl of cereal's not gonna hurt you. And I'm like, of course one bowl of cereal's not gonna hurt you, but like.  You told me your husband just brought you the most insane croissants home from this fancy French bakery. And you just said like, no, I don't even want it.

And then 10 o'clock at night, you're eating a bowl of fruity pebbles. Don't tell me you really want a bowl of fruity pebbles.  You don't. You're on a high in this crazy school. The whole program that you're doing everything, everything, everything. Seven kids all day, 10 o'clock at night, you're, you're done.

You've crashed. Right? And one time you had the fruity pebbles and it  made that immediate connection. It's so processed. All the colors. Like did we tested on kids to make it as addictive as possible? Right.  It gave you enough relief from that stress in that moment that you had an immediate pattern, an immediate habit was formed, right?

Something wrong with you. Everything worked like it was supposed to work, but this, this food  doesn't work with your body the way it's supposed to work. So  we figured out a different system to create breaks throughout her day. So it wasn't like, you know, this volcano building, building to erupt at night and all the other things.

And like  if you want a bowl of cereal at night, it's not that fruity pebbles are gonna kill you. It's just like  if you turn down these other things that you really love and you ate the Fruity Pebbles, then the Fruity Pebbles are a symptom. Right. They're not a problem.  Right. And that's what I love about you.

I, I, I also can't do superficial. I'm a very deep person. And when I see something like this, right, like to tonight, I have a training. If anybody is listening live, go connected for real.com/training. Tonight I have a training called Stop Fighting With Your Husband about your business. And it's all about how, how are we supposed to stop fighting?

Because it just keeps coming up. It keeps happening. Things just, you know happen and it's amazing how it's really not about him. And it's not about you. And it's not about the fight, and it's not about the business. It's about everything that's happening underneath that  needs to come out and isn't right.

Like you're talking about the autoimmune disease. Like it's very much bottling it in and not giving yourself permission to look at what's actually happening.  Yeah. And I think,  you know,  when we fight with our husbands and why, why I love what you do, and I, I recommend to everybody to come to the training is that  you could be fighting with your husband about your business, but it's really about that your vacation days, it's about your sick days.

It's about these expenses on the credit card, you know, that are your Zoom account or this thing, or you're going to another networking event or, you know, you, you needed a new outfit for this or whatever. It doesn't really matter what it is. It's what's each other's unmet need that's there, right? Where the boundaries, where is God in charge of this, you know, and where are we being negligent or where are we just being unaware and bringing awareness?

I, I think I. The longer and longer I do this work, the more I think that people really are not negligent. And really people are really unaware. Like it's really very the word is like pure, like from a pure place. It's not from like a bad place, you know, it's like a, like Yeah. But the whole thing about negligence, by the way Yeah. 

Is being unaware. Right? Right. It's,  you know, you're supposed to be awake and you're not, and that's negligent. So, you know, if we're here in this world to be conscious and we're unconscious, we're walking around like, sort of reactive and, you know, blame, shame walk around, just like not being, not doing, not showing up the way I'm supposed to be because I'm just, oh, you know, completely out. 

Then, then that's not okay. That is, that is. But I think people are terrified to be aware 'cause they think it's so much work. Yeah. And they don't realize how much they're suffering and how much work they're putting around they're running around putting out fires, right. And they're never looking at the cause.

And like, you know how much less work there is, the more you're doing deep work. It's a deep work. It's work, but it's like, but it creates, you're focusing on the seed, right? It, it creates ease. So like, I love that you feel like it's deep work, but it's not hard work. The hard part is, is waking up, right?

Like, I, I think about all these little obstacles that come in our way. Right. If you have an alarm clock, go on your phone, do you start screaming at your phone? Like, why are you waking me up? What is this? Stop it already. Like, no, you just press the button and you're like, oh, I have to wake up now.

Right? So it's like your husband is being critical or your husband is like, you know micromanaging you or whatever it is. It's like,  it's not him. He's just the alarm clock waking you up, telling you, hey, something isn't fully awake, something isn't aligned, something isn't a hundred percent in alignment of your authentic self.

And now you get to be like, oh, thank you so much. Alarm clock. I will go  and wake up now and think what is going on? So the hard and it's natural to wanna hit snooze and be like, I wanna go back to bed.  And you have to have something where I think the positivity comes in.  Is if you don't have warm, comfy slippers on the side of the bed and you don't like, set yourself up to make it easier, that transition to wake up,  then it's really hard.

'cause the bed is so comfortable and there is gonna be, you know, a moment of inconvenience and discomfort to move into doing real inner work. There is, it's not. It's not. But on the other side of that, when you work with somebody like you, or you work with a coach, they're gonna have warm slippers and they'll have turned the heat on for you to help you.

Like once you've made that uncomfortable step,  they're gonna catch you and keep you safe and then you're gonna take the next step and they're gonna make sure that you know you're taken care of while you're taking care of yourself. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I love that.  It's that comfort zone that keeps us feeling safe.

That is actually really uncomfortable. You know, one of the people was telling me something, I don't remember when it was,  oh, now I remember. It was at a Shabba's table. We had a guest and he was complaining about this thing, like, it's just looping. My whole life is looping. I'm doing the same thing over and over again.

I keep bumping into the same wall. And he was really complaining about real things, right? Like this is real life for him. And I said, oh, you're in comfort zone. All you need to do is just get out of comfort zone. He was like, it is not comfort zone because it's not comfortable. I'm like, oh, no one says comfort zone.

It's comfortable. It just, your brain wants to stay there because that's what it knows. So.  It's just so, so powerful. That example that you gave of the, the bed, you know, your bed is nice, it's comfy, it's exciting. You know, it was fine for you to be here until now, but now that the alarm is on, you gotta like, you know, pick up and, and move along.

It's a hard transition, but it's worth it because you're creating ease. Can you believe it? Like, after that, you know, I worked with him a little bit, just, you know, in that Travis,  he got out of the loop. He's no longer dealing with any of the stuff ever again. It's like, isn't that worth it? Isn't it worth getting out of comfort zone just for that?

Never having to deal with that again.  And, and when you put your feet on that cold floor the first time and there's no comfy slippers there, and there's no nothing else, you could be like, Ugh, I hate this. Right? Or you can be like, Ooh, I could use some slippers now. Right. That's what you talked about, desire, right?

Wanting like, oh. I need slippers while I go on this journey. Like, I, I need a water bottle. I love if I'm going to be drinking more water, I, I need, like, you know, I need a reward. I need to go do my nails. If I'm gonna stop watching tv, like it's okay to make these things more pleasant. You're already doing the inconvenient and uncomfortable thing.

Like it doesn't have to be suffering.  I love that you said that. You know, my hardest thing, I, if I think back to what is the thing that made my business what it is and what was the hardest thing for me to do was get a coach.  Because for the longest time, my entire life was all about shoestring everything and just figuring it out.

And I was really good at that. I am, I'm really good at figuring things out and I'm really good at pushing, pushing, pushing and doing, doing, doing and sort of creating.  And when I gave myself that permission, like, Hey, I really, I think I want a coach. And then dealing with what, what do you mean? Why would you need a coach who needs a coach?

You can do yourself and just pay yourself to do what you do for other people. You know, all of that. It was like, yeah, but I want it.  And then I, I got the coach and you don't even realize what a transformation that is. Like what happens when you get someone else to be there for you and show you the way, it's the end of hard,  it is a collapsed colation of time.

I don't know if that's a word, but you know, you collapse time when you have someone telling you, oh, let's just take this shortcut. I know this way.  Come with me. You know what I think? I think people are confused. Sometimes they hear this, and I know myself, I've heard coaches say this, and then you expect immediate results.

I think the collapsing of time is the thing you wanna do, takes time,  but you save yourself a tremendous amount of the time that you are standing in your own way. And we keep standing in our own way. And when you have a coach,  they pace you to keep getting you out of your own way. So like, oh, hey, see this thing?

This is you in your own way. See, look, here you are. Would you like to take a step out of the way? It's up to you. Go ahead.  Like, oh, see, you're making progress. Wait, the progress, stop. It's not broken. Nothing's wrong. Look, you see here, those are your footprints. You're standing in your way here, right? Would you like to stay here or would you like to try to move out of the way here?

Like we spend a lot of time in our own way. And I think the reason coaching.  Collapses time is that  the awareness is very hard to stay aware. Like it's just very hard. Right. And to stay on. And when you have a coach,  in that hour that you're being coached, you let them be on and  you just be  Exactly, exactly.

It allows you to  process  your own experience. Yeah. Yeah. That's so beautiful. Beautifully said.  Oh, Lily, if we could, we would talk forever, but time is up. Yeah. And I would love for people to know where they can find you. Also look back to hear Lily speak about food. A,  a while ago, it was January, I think it was February, 2024.

So if you wanna go back that far, definitely. Absolutely. Also you can find me at Lilyaronin.com. You can find me at Lily Aronin on Instagram, and I'm going to share it with Bat-Chen I have actually an amazing online digital course called Flow Comes through your email flow. It's FLOW. Find your own path, love your body, open to possibility and weight loss.

And it's an automated course in your email. And I'll actually give the link to share with you guys and you can enjoy that before Pesach , as well. And I look forward to getting to know all the amazing people, listen to your podcast. And I also have a WhatsApp channel where I put  small inspiring things tips, recipes little deep thoughts to think about, about your health and wellbeing as well. 

That's so awesome. Okay.  We'll make sure to put the link in the show notes. Absolutely. And anybody who's listening can get it. So thank you so much, Lily. My pleasure. Thank you for having me. I always get so much out of talking with you. 

Aw, that's fun.  Same, same. Thank you so much for listening all the way to the end, and we will see you next week for Boundaries and Marriage. Don't forget to be connected for real.

 And that's it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don't forget you can be connected for real.