215. Debunking the Myths of Marriage and Business

Naomi Journo is a marketer and the CEO of Her Tribe Magazine. She turns the tables and comes prepared to ask all her burning questions about marriage and how to find balance and do it all. Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman is a marriage coach for women in business and the host of the Connected For Real Podcast. Join them for this exciting episode all about perfection and marriage.

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Connected for Real podcast. I'm Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women and business, and my mission is to bring God's presence into your life, into your marriage, and into your business. Let's get started.

And we are live. Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. I'm so excited. Today we're having Naomi Journo and we're talking about perfection and God, uh, no, I said that wrong.we're talking about perfection and marriage,

Naomi, introduce yourself. Well, my name is Naomi Journo and, it's good that you mention Hashem. He's everywhere and everything, so it's good we started with that. Yes. love Hashem. I am the founder of her Tripe Magazine and also marketing specialist. And, I wore many hats, so just very shortly.

it's exciting to be here on your podcast and, enjoy this [00:01:00] conversation. I love recording this podcast. when I have special people, we have different points of contact that created a bunch of really cool experiences.

So. I feel connected already and I feel like this is going to be a very powerful episode to listen to. you have it in your motto. Connected for real. it's, really an honor and I'm gonna also ask you some questions. it's gonna be interactive and what a privilege to have you on a call and ask you questions that is not only for me benefit, but for our listeners and readers.

Okay. Let's do it. you obviously came prepared, so go for it. Wow. So I really would like this it's about marriage and business and balancing all I just want this episode.

Will be really about listener. It's like the listener is really, looking for connection. What is good for her, [00:02:00] what she can find in our conversation for her to apply, to learn. And I just wanna be mindful about this. So, and, I, I just wanna ask the best questions. one of them is debunking the common myths.

how we can juggle all, it's impossible. It's like we are passionate about the business we have, and we are passionate and grateful, to have children for those who have children it's self work. And then marriage is another work. it's a sport, it's a marathon.

it's like another galaxy and there's so much going on. how we. Juggle all and to survive. with the happiness. what are your, best tips? No. Fluffy, talks? No, unrealistic. Like real. Real. Okay. Well I love the Boomerang, episode here where it's thrown back at me, but I really am very glad you asked.

I once was thinking about how can we have it all? [00:03:00] the answer is you can have it all when it's your all. there's a lot of noise chatter, and clutter in the world. people are trying to sell you, have your business, be virtual so you can travel all over the world and be, a nomad that's their value, and somebody who is trying to sell you, set something up one time and then leave it, and it will make money for you.

They're trying to create passive income and that's their value. But if you put everyone's values in one. Bag, shake it up and say, here, go hold this now and do it all. That's never gonna work, the answer starts with getting to know yourself.

I created the Calm method, and that's four steps to Creating Flow. Step one is connect to yourself. It's always about you, your values, what you want, what matters to you, what actually is going to motivate you to do the thing. a lot of people think, [00:04:00] I can't have it all, so I need to focus first on my marriage and my children.

Then I'm going to move on to my business when I'm in my fifties, I think the entire time you're waiting patiently to finally be yourself, you are actually suffocating.

Your family is not fully getting you because you're not your best self. Something is missing. And so women who put themselves on the back burner thinking that one day I'll get to myself, but right now my focus is my family. They're actually. Stealing from their family. The most valuable thing that she can give, which is her presence, her real self, her full self.

Your kids wanna see you happy. Your kids wanna see you thrive. Your kids wanna see that you're able to juggle and do the thing because what do you want for your kids that they should be able to do that? And who are they gonna learn it from, if not you?

It has to be imperfect because they need to be able to take [00:05:00] risks and do the things that are scary fail fall flat pick themselves up and do the thing, So if we want them to think this, like there's this perfect thing that happens in a bubble of a vacuum where there's no little children around and nothing is interrupting me right now, right here.

And my perfect podcast is, seamless and does not have any ums and you knows So your kids are losing out, your husband's losing out, and you're losing out because you are not bringing your full self. And then you're gonna say, well, no, no, no,my business is important to me, so I'm not going to put it away, but I'm also going to neglect my family in order to do it because all the gurus tell you to go, go, go, go, go.

And of course, that's not the way to do it either. So there's a real need for balance, and the balance is going to come from that inner value system that you are going to be very, very much in touch with. So. Let's get into details. 'cause I know you're thinking, get practical girl, as I need to know. No, it [00:06:00] sounds like you are already describing the real thing.

We are not waiting when kids will be, after cartoon una after wedding and like we are like now going back to ourselves like we decided, okay, it's not going to be perfect. It's going to be messy, but we are doing what we can.

Right? So how, how to not lose it to not, uh, go to sleep at five in the morning and still have no, never ending list of tasks and then not be present for children or like how to, so how, how, so being really, really honest with yourself and giving yourself permission to. Verbalize to write down, to be able to face yourself with what actually matters to you.

Because there's a lot of shame around putting your kids in maon until four, which is a daycare, aren't you supposed to be with them 24 7 or there is a lot of shame and, buying takeout or buying frozen food and then throwing it [00:07:00] in the pot last minute, there's so much shame around things that might not matter to you, but you're made to feel bad about them.

now we are at the marriage thing. Maybe the partner is used to something from his family. I used to something from mine. And here we are dealing with the situation. you can have real life conversations with yourself first and say, what are my values?

What are my priorities when it comes to my marriage, my children, my house, laundry, food, like real things. I know someone who has a laundry service come and pick up two suitcases worth of laundry of the week. Brings them back, all folded and clean and ready to put away. that works for her because she couldn't care less who is doing the laundry.

She just wants it done. Then I have someone else who, you know, like we do many loads a day. It's just a running, you know, [00:08:00] anybody who goes by throws in the next load, transfers over. it's this constant thing that we're doing I used to think it's a big value to have your kids do the dishes

It never worked. We ended up doing the dishes all the time. My husband was exhausted. I was getting back pain from it. It's just too much to do and it's never ending. we finally got a dishwasher as a gift from someone who was giving away their dishwasher of 15 years. So it was an old dishwasher that was still working and they were just going for a new one.

I cannot tell you that thing changed my life I had to face something that I thought was a value to me. suddenly I'm like, no, no, no. This is so much more efficient. We an entire dishwasher every single day because we have 10 humans walking around here.

Right? So it makes sense to have systems that serve you and don't steal your energy and your emotional energy. [00:09:00] Like when I see dishes in the sink, I'm thinking, which one of the kids didn't do blah, blah, blah. Why? You know? And so my brain is going crazy instead of just.

Living, you know. Sometimes you don't realize what you don't know, and that's what I think is so important.

A lot of women think that if it has to be hard, there's no other way and that's just how it is. And I know that I need to learn to figure out, you know, like someone said, get used to being tired now as a mother of eight kids, and as I got older and smarter I actually.

Prioritize naps because I don't want to be functioning on zero energy and I don't want to be showing up with my kids or family during the times that I'm the most exhausted, I have energy in the morning, I could do all my work and then the kids come home and I'm mean and angry.

I have zero patience. Like, why? Why is that? And for someone [00:10:00] to say, well get used to it, it's not nice, it's not fair. It shows that they don't think there is even an option to change it. Yeah, we definitely hear a lot of amazing advices during our life. It's good to have the filter, right?

I was the best mom before I had kids. Really? I was so amazing. I was judgmental, and I was like, oh no, I would never, ever allow this to my children. And now I'm like in it and I'm just like, wow. Now I understand. and that judgmental mother that you were before you had kids is still judging you.

And that's what hurts so much because we are judging ourselves, so we know the truth. We're like, yeah, I know it's terrible. If maybe someone else would have answers to give you like, oh, but you don't understand. Like, no, here you're sitting there going, I understand and I am a total failure.

I [00:11:00] can't get this together. I just dunno how, and you said it's important to have a filter for the advice that's coming in. It's important to realize that we have a filter built in, that we are seeing things from our experiences and our lens of life. once you're able to really sit down with yourself and look at that lens, you could choose if you want or not, what is going on in that filter, in that lens.

You don't have to look through that lens forever. And that's a lot of the work that we do is like, we process emotions. We go back in time, we look in the situations that. Created these beliefs that make us think it's not okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's about self-love also and self-respect and self-acceptance, right?

we don't believe in ourselves. how really [00:12:00] we can expect others to believe in us, but this is not the main point hashim is, believing in us. He put us here in the world.

here's the thing, I'm gonna keep going back to the call method. I'm gonna keep reminding you that step one is connect to yourself when you do work. A lot of my clients, when they show up, we say, okay, what do you really want?

what do you really want? You're asking me What I want? I guess everyone wants calm methods. I like it. Everyone wants to be in peace with any decision and, to feel, like.

Myself, with, belief, like everything I do, it's for the best. So kind of like to chill. everybody wants to feel calm, everybody wants to feel connected, you know, receive the way they are belong. Like, we all just want to be, and instead, a lot of the work [00:13:00] that people are telling us to do is do, right.

A lot of the advice is do this, don't do this. We wanna be calm, I wanna be a good mother, I wanna be a good wife. I wanna show up for my clients. And so all of those have to do with your ability to be present. the actions will lead you to that presence, or they'll take you away from that presence.

Some people do things to distract themselves, from facing themselves. And sometimes you can use actions to go closer to yourself. So I'll give you examples 'cause I like to get practical. I like to go for a walk when I'm feeling too much in my head.

There's too much going on. I'm feeling pulled in all directions. I go for a walk. I start talking to God, looking at the details of the greens and the different sizes of the leaves and how each texture and the different thinness and thicknesses of the different [00:14:00] things.

I'm trying to look at nature to bring me back to the present because the only thing that is gonna get you present is the present, right? You're thinking about the past. You're gonna be like, woo, in the past you're thinking about future. You're gonna be woo anxious, whatever, right? You're in this moment.

Nothing else. It brings you back to a certain calm and peace. And I am telling you, people are like, I don't have time. You have time. You have one minute to go outside, touch the ground, touch a tree, touch a leaf, stare at it for a minute, a flower, anything. for one minute, and you will be in a completely different place.

if you don't have a minute, it means you're not giving yourself permission to do that. It's not that you don't have time, it's that it's not important. It's not a priority. And then you just have to be honest with yourself. Why? Why is it not [00:15:00] a priority? What's going on What am I running away from?

What am I afraid to find? What's so scary and just being me, And There's a lot. And I, I'm sure that somebody's listening going, oh, it's not just me. No, it's not just you. It's every single one of us, because this is a protective mechanism that God put in us to avoid painful experiences.

And we have this belief. Being with a pain or being with a fear is scary and painful, but it's actually not. It makes it feel so much better. Right? It's very soothing, very regulating to just be right here, right now. And that's also where Hashem is. Hashem is right here, right now. Hashem is also past, present, future.

He is everywhere. But when you really want to connect, you connect right here, right [00:16:00] now. You don't wait to connect in the future and you don't think the only connection was in the past. You have constant ability to click in. It's like The electricity is running in the house all the time.

You plug in or you plug out. You get the choice. It's like, we can refresh that anytime. It's no like, okay, now it's too late. It's like nothing that we can do. It's really can refresh that anytime. And it's the same in a marriage, right?

When, we feel like, this is not leading anywhere, this conflict. let's refresh, let's start again. Tell me about something, connected to this topic. the renewal, the refresh, starting again in marriage when it feels like, miracle has to happen, for, the light and to connect.

here's what I think about marriage. The first thing I want everybody to realize is that most of the stress is coming from. [00:17:00] Us waiting for someone else to fix themselves. if he just realized that when he does this, it bothers me. If he just stopped doing this, then everything would've been okay.

If he could just take responsibility for his emotional wellbeing. go to therapy, get his act together, stop throwing things on the floor, stop being so forgetful, stop being so late, if he would start right. we are very dependent on our husband for our happiness.

this dependency is something I experienced very strongly. I was in a parenting class first, and I loved it. So I signed up for the marriage second level, and she said the first thing we're gonna learn all the. theory and then the next half of the program we're going to bring up our own experiences and solve problems so that you guys see in practice what it [00:18:00] looks like.

And so everybody had to bring a problem from their home, but I didn't have a problem 'cause that wasn't a good season with my husband at the time. you go through seasons. This was a good one. So, and also because we already learned all the, theory. so we're sitting there and she says, anybody have any problems they wanna bring up today?

And I'm thinking, I have no problems. And that's a big problem. I have a problem that I don't have problem. But then I realized that, I do have something I wanna work on. And I raised my hand and I started getting excited.

And I described it like this. I said, I have built this beautiful, colorful, sunny, happy mansion where I'm the queen. And every so often my husband walks in with black paint and just starts splattering everywhere. All of the,icky negative [00:19:00] politics,doomsday stuff.you walk into my world and you just start being man,it's not working.

And it really was very frustrating for me because I felt like I do all the work. I really worked very hard to work on my marriage to become the person I wanna be And then he comes and ruins it all. With his negativity.

Right. I was almost laughing at how silly it sounded because when you are living it, it's very upsetting. you're like an adult thinking, he shouldn't be this way. And why is he bringing his negativity into my life? just because he has traumas doesn't mean I have to deal with them.

And why is he throwing all of his, puke on me blah, blah, blah. But from this very playful place where I was in a safe room with other women and a teacher who's here to help me, I was able to describe it in a very, illustrative way. and she says, oh, it's [00:20:00] because you are dependent on him for your happiness.

And I thought. what is the connection between what I just said and what you just said? And she said, think about it. You are dependent, and in Hebrew dependent is talu, which means like, that night I went home and envisioned my husband, because he was sleeping next to me.

He was already falling asleep, and I was in my own little world. I couldn't fall asleep. I was so wrapped up around this. I imagined my husband being this rod, and all of these things were hooked on it. My peace, my happiness, my security, you know? All these things. And so there was all these hooks and suddenly.

I found a big ring that represented God. it was round and big and then I took a deep breath and said, I don't wanna be dependent on you for my [00:21:00] happiness. I grabbed the little hook that was, hanging on my husband and clicked it onto the hook.

That was, God, I wanna be dependent on you, God. I took the next one and I was like, I don't wanna be dependent on you for my security. I wanna be dependent on you, God. And I don't wanna be dependent on you for my finances. I wanna be dependent on you, God.

after doing a lot of meditative work, I have no idea how it happened, but I tell this story because it's so powerful. Something finally came to where I can completely and fully be happy, calm, at peace, because I was a hundred percent taken care of by God and I no longer had to feel like the ground shifting under my feet when somebody else who was also human was experiencing human emotions.

You inspired me when you mentioned that you were so independent, depending on your husband and, what is he doing? do you wanna [00:22:00] go, into the, what we have in Judaism, the concept of tikun, like, also, when we are married, we are one nema, right?

would you like to go inside this very shortly, how this, affects our marriage and our, conflict and, how to take this in the picture. Like, you are my teon. No, you're maik. what's really, behind that? So just say, say the word tikun for people who, dunno.

What does that mean? You're the ask if you would like to go in it. I know it's something more deep than we, we can, we can, but first I want to get all of the definitions. And I think you're the one who used it, so I want you to tell me what it means to you. Or at least I think it means because it really affects how we use it.

Our language affects how we feel, how we act. Because the subconscious brain understands only two things, language and [00:23:00] visuals, And so that's why, vision boards are so powerful because you can visualize. Where you're going, You just need to put a picture of your, dream house, dream fridge, dream, whatever.

And your brain is now focused on getting you there. when you use words, they also mean a lot and they matter. So I wanna hear what you mean. With pleasure. for me, Tikun, what does it mean? It means that we are here in this world to fix something, to repair something, to, work on ourselves.

We are not here just to have fun and enjoy. in marriage, it's like we are two for that. Hashem sent me this person to help me work on myself repair the tikon. And me as a female especially for him, because he's supposed to listen to me.

And it's not so simple because this is the concept in Judaism. It's the best advice. You should always listen to your wife, this is for everything. It's not just [00:24:00] for the good times. It's especially for the times when it's in the most, extreme turbulences when I drive him crazy and when he gets upset,

We are my teon in this, you know? So, yeah. So we're here to repair something and our soulmate is here to help us repair that. Okay. that's basically what you just said in a nutshell. No, it's not coming from me. Right. no, I'm just, making sure everybody's on the page with us.

I love to include everyone in our conversation. of course. So you talked about us being one soul. we are two people, but we're one soul that is reconnecting and now we click into each other and we're united. I'm going to talk a little bit about both 'cause it's very beautiful that you bring this up.

And it's also very misunderstood in a way that I feel creates a lot of tension. So the first thing that comes up for me is my [00:25:00] principal, rabbi Stern, very amazing rabbi, and he was teaching us one time, and he said a half and a half do not make a whole.

So if you think that you're going to get married and finally find your other half and become whole, then you are wrong, and you will have a lot of issues because a half and a half do not make a whole when you can be whole with yourself. then you find someone who is whole with himself, really fix what is needed to be fixed.

That's number one. So as much as we want to believe that finding our other half and creating this unity is going to fill that void in me, or fill something that I am lacking again, we're bringing back that neediness, When I feel like I'm lacking and I'm looking to fill that lack, now I am attached to that filling because I'm like, you can't go away.

You're my filling. [00:26:00] you're the thing that fills me up. every couple is going to go through this wave where they're like, oh my gosh, I found my other half and she fills me up perfectly, and we're amazing. We like so perfect and we like, like a puzzle piece, you know, like just boom, everything's perfect.

And then the realization of, oh. when she's not happy, then she's not filling me up and I need her to be happy. Or when he is, traumatized or triggered he is not filling my need and now I am feeling empty again.

Like, what is wrong with you? That you're not doing your job to fill my half? And why can't you just get your act together so that you can fill me? we're getting into very grabby, needy energy that isn't good for a marriage, not good for any relationship, and it's just going to leave everyone exhausted because a lot of the energy is outward into trying to fix the other person to be the right thing for me.

And that's not fair. Right? It's like, just like with your kids, you can't make them be something just because you wanted that when you were kid, or you [00:27:00] can't make them do something that you know you're supposed to like this and they're like sitting there freaked out 'cause they don't like whatever. Right?

So. we understand that children are children, they're humans, and you don't, no one likes criticism. Also, I hate criticism. Who doesn't? Exactly. So, so here is the first thing that I want everybody to get on board with. I need to take responsibility for my wholeness. if I feel a lack in something, if I feel like I need to fill some part of myself, then I will go looking inside my life, inside my experiences, inside the things I can control.

And I will fill myself up regardless of what happens outside of me, and I can take that responsibility. Once I do, I free the other person in the relationship [00:28:00] to Do that for themselves too. I'm almost giving permission to both of us to find their own answers and not be dependent on each other.

So I can, you know, I've done this many times where instead of trying to get my husband to change, which I did very often, and I still do sometimes it's just so easy. it's like the first go-to thing. Your brain is like, oh yeah, if he could just change, everything will be perfect.

And then you catch yourself and you're like, wait, so what does this mean? And so I have. Found ways to fill myself up that don't involve my husband, but that my husband can support be part of, be, involved in, in other ways. And it feels really good. Like when I go to these marriage classes or parenting classes or whatever, my husband has no interest.

He hates sitting through class. He hates sitting through speeches. He does not do interactive workshops. It's just not [00:29:00] his way of learning. Right. And it's annoying, honestly. Come on, aren't we supposed to have fun together? And the way I have fun is by going to workshops.

And it's very frustrating for someone to have to live like that, right? now that I am a little bit more mature I'm realizing I was really miserable. I was making him more miserable than he had to. Here I am complaining about his negativity. But he wouldn't be so negative if he wasn't forced to do things he didn't wanna do.

Right. Like he's a really nice guy and he's not usually very negative. But I was making it worse. And then I was complaining about it being so bad. So now I go and sign up to whatever workshops are for women and I go to networking events and I go to, all these things and I love it and I interact and I meet people and I make friends and I take their phone numbers and I am my external bubbly self.

And he could just sit and learn and do his thing and he's [00:30:00] happy, right? Like, I want him to be happy. I'm now letting him be happy 'cause I'm allowing him to do what fills him up without needing him to come along for the ride, just because he's my other half. So when I took responsibility for myself, I freed him to take responsibility for himself.

he started doing things that filled him up and he started writing his book and giving classes and all the things that make him come alive happened only after I was able to unhook.

Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly, feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one-on-one private coaching is for, and I want to invite you, just you and me.

For a free deep [00:31:00] dive discovery call, this is a 60 minute free call where I ask you lots of questions and we extract the three main things that are holding you back. I then put together a personalized plan for you where I create a roadmap of recommendations. With practical steps, the call is free and so valuable in itself.

So go book yours today. Now back to the show.

How can we support each other?

We want to support each other and be ourselves. let's talk about the other half now. The part you talked about, the tikkun, the repairing of each other's, souls

if you want to work on your character and become a better person, what better way than to hand you a mirror, right? Because you don't see that you have a stain on your shirt. There is absolutely no way for you to see the stain on your shirt because you are you, [00:32:00] and the only way that you're going to see that stain is by going to the mirror, and then you're going to look at the mirror and say there's a stain.

And of course, what we've been talking about in marriage and in natural, your first instinct is let's clean the mirror. There's a stain on the mirror. Let's clean the mirror so you scrub and you, you know, do all the things and you spray it it's not coming off because in the physical world it's so obvious to us that the mirror is just reflecting what's on me.

So this stain that's on my shirt is not on the mirror. The mirror is just showing me the stain. And that is exactly what happens with a husband and wife. You are there for each other to mirror, to be there so that the other person can see their stain and say, oh, that's my stain But that takes a lot of maturity, a lot of honesty, a lot of openness and ability to hold that [00:33:00] because our childish self, our selfish, childish, like.

I don't wanna be told I wanna change, I just wanna be me. Right? But it's not that there's a problem with you, there's just a stain on your shirt. It's not about you, it's just neutral and not an attack, it's not shame it's just a neutral thing that happened to your shirt.

you can take care of it very easily by rubbing your shirt and it will go off, But if you are trying to rub the mirror, this is where people say, I worked so hard on my marriage and never changed. They were cleaning the mirror, scrubbing the mirror, bleaching the mirror, and the mirror didn't change.

And so eventually there was nothing left to do, but to break the mirror. No, it doesn't work like that, right? In real life, when you're walking around and touching, real things, you realize that the physical world is really. simple. And when we see that it's all parallel to the emotional and [00:34:00] spiritual world, you understand it's not about hard work, it's just about honest, mature work.

So when you catch yourself being really annoyed, resentful, critical judgy about your husband, the person who's the closest to you. mirror work is all around you. It could be the person in the store, it could be anyone. But when it's your husband, it's that mirror that magnifies and makes you see every pore and every wrinkle, and you're like, Ooh.

Right. That's why it hurts so much. That's why people are Suffering in their marriage. That's why marriage is so quote unquote hard because it brings up a lot of things it magnifies it, it makes it in my face. It doesn't let me ignore it.

And so if I'm able to sit down and really, and this is what I do with my clients, it's not something that I'm expecting you to do on your own after listening to one session [00:35:00] of podcast, but it is something that once you're aware of and that is doable, you could sit down and go through it. What in this situation, what in this person, what in this stain, do I need to take responsibility?

Do I get to take responsibility? Because honestly, all of this work we're doing in the world is for our benefit. Like people say, I worked on my marriage so much and my husband couldn't care less. Well, honey, it's because the marriage mattered to you. Because if it didn't matter to you, you wouldn't care and you wouldn't do the work.

So we think that we're being the good ones and we're the ones owning the marriage or whatever. No, it's because it matters to me. It's because I care. It's because I want a good marriage that I'm doing it. It's not because I'm doing it for him, it's because I'm doing it For me, when I was told this for the first time, I got very angry, very upset.

You know, I'm [00:36:00] saying it now as if it's like this. when I was younger and very resentful of my husband, I was annoyed that he wasn't coming to these classes. And I was annoyed that I was the only one working. And she said, you don't have to be here, it's fine.

And I was like, but I wanna be here because I want a good marriage. ah, bingo. I. That's it. I like the concept of the mirror. It sounds, great and makes sense, but what is so difficult is the communication the way we say that. Right? And that's the whole process.

That's like, the trust because, you don't go on the street and tell somebody, you have to build a connection. I'm not saying that, the relationship with your husband is the same like someone you see on the street, but what is your best advice to support this connection and trust so you can, connect better and be open to hear criticism and what to fix there's a way to say things.

So what would you suggest to a couple, To support their understanding. And I'm not talking about languages [00:37:00] because he has, many languages and culture differences in some marriages, but in general, men and women are already from different galaxies. So how would you support the true pure connection without judgment, without criticism how to, bring this more into the picture?

Yeah. So I'm going to bring back the two parts that you said, that we are one soul and part of the same soul. And then we support each other and we're here to fill each other up and be there for each other. And also we're here to repair each other and sort of mirror each other.

They're both the same really. As soon as you understand that you are the one who is being called to grow, to expand, to own your greatness, you stop trying to change other people and you start leaning into your leadership, into your greatness, into your [00:38:00] expansion, right?

I was listening to Byron Katie for a long time on YouTube. I took her whole course. I was just drinking it all up. she talks about the four questions is it true? Can you absolutely know it's true?

What happens when you believe this thought? And who would you be without this thought? and then she has the turnarounds, he's so selfish. I'm so selfish or whatever.

I couldn't do the actual work, even though I was learning it and hearing it and consuming all of it, I couldn't do it. There was something resisting inside of me. I didn't want, I didn't wanna be told I was wrong. I didn't wanna told, I just wanted to stay in my bubble of like, I'm right, he's wrong, and that's just how it is.

And then one day, because it was in my head already for so long We went to sleep and my husband was telling me about his day how he did this and how this happened to him, And he's blabbing about himself and his day.

And you know what's going on in my head. It's like, why is he so selfish? Why is it all about him? Why is he not [00:39:00] asking about me? Why does he not care about my day? Why is he just going on and on about himself? And then I thought, he's selfish. Here he is talking to me about his day.

Totally normal. he does not know this is going on in my head, and I'm sitting here judging him and being all annoyed and bubbling inside. He has no idea. And I am the selfish one. expecting him to ask me how my day was and stop talking about himself and just notice me,

And so I was just like, oh, I should really get outta my head and listen to what he's saying. I want him to listen to me and ask about me. I should be there for him. without saying anything, without communicating without saying, Hey listen, you're talking about yourself for too long.

Can we talk about me? Nothing. I just stopped and started listening, like active listening. Oh, that's what happened. That must feel awful. What happened next? it took five minutes for him to feel heard, and then he turned around and said, and how was your day? And that [00:40:00] caught me by surprise because you would think communication experts are going to tell you, make it about yourself and not about him.

Don't say, you're so selfish. Say I need you to listen to me now. But I didn't have to do any of this communication, drama. I just needed to finally understand what Byron Katie was talking about. Get out of your head and understand what's actually in front of your nose. My husband is trying to be heard and I am not listening.

I am the problem not him. And as much as I wanna believe that, in reality, who cares about the name calling and the titles of the thing I am the selfish one. I am the one who's not present.

I am the one who's thinking about myself and, you know, dramatizing and bubbling up inside. if I would not have caught myself, I would have made it into a fight. I was the one, usually the explosions came from me. My husband doesn't just start exploding at his wife for no reason, but I would explode at him all the [00:41:00] time.

when I finally understood the concept of the mirror, the mirror is here to show me what's going on.

what's really going on here? It takes two seconds of awareness to change the entire conversation. Just awareness. But the problem is that your brain is so good at sneaking around awareness. You think you're aware, but you are in default mode constantly.

You have pre. Existing actions. You know how you create automations? Autopilot. They are automate autopilot automations going on in your head. So when he says this, I'm gonna see this, and then he's gonna see this, and then it's going to happen like this, you are already ready with your next response because you already know it's going to happen and you're going in loops.

And then you wonder, people come to me and they're like, I have to get outta this loop. I don't know how, but I am no longer able to continue fighting this way or to continue living this way. even if you're not fighting, there is an underground [00:42:00] current of fighting. It just feels awful.

Why can't I just be allowed to be myself? Or why can't I accept him the way he is? It's because we have beliefs about him that aren't true. And God is putting this mirror in my face that I don't like because I don't wanna face, what's going on.

In my head that I am right and that I know it all, and he's the one who needs to change. And that's really like, we'll pull it all back together to the first question that you asked. Most of the people who are listening are on high enough levels of awareness and consciousness that they understand what needs to be done.

They understand it doesn't have to be this way. You can get a dishwasher. You don't have to do all the dishes by hand, right? you don't have to do the hard work if you could do the smart work. once you realize there is an option,

All you have to do is look for the right person who's going to guide you figure out what to learn or [00:43:00] how to get there. Pray for it. Ask God to help you find it.

You inspired me, it's such a reminder to just listen really. It's like amazing reminder, for anyone who feels lost. Like where is this, relationship going really to pause and listen, which is very hard, right? We're waiting for the other person to finish and we want to say something.

it's a lot about listening, right? sometimes it's listening sometimes it's just presence and being okay with being yourself and giving yourself permission to say things, even though, they're hard.

But the beauty of wholeness is that you get to hold all the parts and nothing is embarrassing or shameful or not part of me anymore that isn't allowed to come along. And when you are okay with being human and having some dark parts and some uncomfortable parts and some scary parts and some, baggage just sort of following you [00:44:00] around and you're not trying to push it away.

a lot of the baggage gets heavy when you're trying to move it away we're making it harder on ourselves by creating resistance. But what if it just is part of you, part of my story, part of who I am.

It's probably here to teach me something. You can now suddenly have all this extra energy to just be you. I wanna remind you and everyone listening that your husband married you because he saw all those parts and he was excited about the way you were as a whole. And you thinking, this isn't good or this isn't okay.

And you trying to control it is making you less whole. he almost misses the real you. he knows what he's missing and he's trying to pull that back out of you. when he's your mirror and he's trying to shake you up to be who you really are, allow it, don't resist it, go with it because the reward is so much [00:45:00] greater.

Is there anything you wanna mention for this season specifically? When it's winter, it's dark outside, it's cold somewhere, it's snowing, raining, how can we get the most out of the season in marriage, in business? I think be the light. Be the light. every person is the light of their life and you can't delegate that to other people.

You can't expect other people to turn you on or to bring you back to life or to, light up the world for you. Every person was put here on purpose so that they could be the light that they are here to be. And if you're waiting, stop waiting. Stand up. Be the light. be the light in the house, be the light in this present moment, be the light.

Wherever you are, take it wherever it takes you. that's the beauty of balancing is when you're [00:46:00] present, you're present here, then you're present there, you can balance a lot of things because you're not actually holding 'em all at the same time. You're holding one thing at a time and doing a lot of those.

This was so fun because it was turned around on me, but I really do want people to hear a little bit about you. So just to wrap it up. Tell us a little bit about you, what you're doing, and how you're lighting up the world,

The accent I have, it's from Czech Republic. Czech Republic is amazing country. It's really something you should really go and see nature nice people, And, it's very affordable. you wanna go there just to enjoy have fun and explore.

So I'm from Czech Republic. I live in Israel. I'm a proud Jewish convert. everything I love about you, is that you put a shemen in the center. So you are, what you do is really helping, with [00:47:00] the priorities of marriage and, business obviously.

it's just important to put a shame first. I love that. I am a founder of Her Tribe Magazine, which you can see in my background. it just came out and, it's about spotlighting the light, in our community and, about everyone has a gift, and story.

So this is the platform to share it. it's about, our beautiful haem, the holidays and, it's a celebration of Jewish life and womanhood It features, all different women, every edition, always fresh voices. this is something I'm really passionate about and also takes a lot of my time there's a lot of imperfection for sure because if I wouldn't have, this responsibility to take care of my kids it would be so much better.

You know, it would be this and if I would have this funding but I just do it anyway. And, actually I is my, partner in that and the CEO and, I'm really excited about that because it is [00:48:00] beautiful feedback even if it's not simple, it just really, from addition to addition is, is, showing me how meaningful and, and, beautiful it is.

So this is about, to me, I am marketer, so, Also, I used to be actors, so I'm kind of like connecting all different things from different perspectives basically, juggling all different roles is what I studied. to put together the marketing, the production, and, being, also on the spotlight.

But personally, I really enjoy that my work speaks, not myself, obviously I need to present myself and show, that I'm a real person behind the project, but love that the project speaks, if you know what I mean.

there are all different, characters and one likes to be on the spotlight and I'm not a necessary a speaker. And as I used to be, the actors on the spotlight on camera and, wanted to be seen. So again, I just really enjoy, to [00:49:00] be in the backstage enjoying, all the symphony, from idea to realization it's amazing to collaborate with others create something together.

So I do a lot of, collaborative marketing, a lot of. Value based, project. So it's not just like, I'm sending you something buy that. it's really something to, change, and to put Hashem in the picture. So it's not just about, the money. and I really mean that.

sometimes it can be exhausting because the parnassa parnassa, it's the income. It's important, it has to, be in the picture. But, to see the whole picture and the purpose of that, much more important for me. How can people find you?

Where could they find the magazine? Yeah, so it's on social media, under the Tech, her Tripe magazine. It has a link, tiny euro slash her tripe mug. And I'm Naomi Journal. You can find [00:50:00] me on LinkedIn. I'm happy to connect. Thank you so much. pleasure. This was so fun. We're going to make sure all the links are down below.

thank you very much for coming and being on my podcast and, thank you for the listeners. Don't forget to be connected for real, and come back next week for another amazing episode. Thanks so much, Naomi. Thank you.

And that's it. Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm, this is a good podcast. And make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn't it be amazing if more people became more connected? For real? And now, take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.

Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from Connected for real.com. Thank you so much for listening, and don't [00:51:00] forget, you can be connected for real.