Beth Ann | Embracing the Journey to Self-Love

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:00:01]:

Welcome back to the Weird and strong podcast. I'm your host, Jeremy Gernsteiner, and we have a special episode with Beth Anne, a self love coach and Reiki master who is doing amazing things out in the world. And this was simply such a fun and amazing conversation. We get deep into some of her background and her path of what's brought her into the space of coaching and where she's going. So without further delay, let's get weird, folks. Bethan, welcome to the Weird and strong podcast. It's great to see you.

Beth Ann [00:00:34]:

It's great to see you, too. Thank you for having me.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:00:37]:

Yeah, it's been rad to get to know everybody in the community, especially those of us who were at the enlifted event, which, if you've been listening to all the episodes, might be noticing a theme that this is something that's been coming up with all the guests. So I have a weird question for you. Are you ready?

Beth Ann [00:00:57]:

Yes. Hit me.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:00:59]:

If you were a type of jeans, what type would you be.

Beth Ann [00:01:08]:

Like? J-E-A-N-S?

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:01:10]:

Yes. The pants.

Beth Ann [00:01:13]:

Oh, I love this question. I would be. Damn it. Corduroy. Corduroy for sure. Yeah.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:01:22]:

All right. Any particular style? Boot cut. Bell bottom. Low rise. High rise.

Beth Ann [00:01:29]:

High rise bell bottoms for sure.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:01:32]:

High rise, bell bottom. Corduroy jeans.

Beth Ann [00:01:36]:

I'm picturing, like, this, like, mustard yellow or brown color as well.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:01:41]:

That's just, like early 70s in a nutshell.

Beth Ann [00:01:48]:

I was born in the wrong generation. Just kidding.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:01:52]:

Just missed out on all of that. I suppose you also missed the resurgence of the bell bottoms in the 90s as well.

Beth Ann [00:01:59]:

Well, I was a baby, but I'm actually wearing bell bottoms right now. They're snake print.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:02:06]:

Nice. That's super rad.

Beth Ann [00:02:09]:

Yeah. So I'm grateful that they're coming back around.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:02:12]:

Yeah, super cool. As we talk with everybody, we talk about our guests and their stories and what makes them weird and unconventional. So for you, what are the ways that people might not be aware of that make you unconventional?

Beth Ann [00:02:32]:

There's so many. I was looking up the definition of weird before hopping on here, and it said there was like, the immediate response was strange and blah, blah, blah. But when I scrolled a little bit, it said weird means of strange or extraordinary character, odd and fantastic. And then underneath that it said of relating to or caused by witchcraft or the supernatural, magical. And I resonate a lot with that. Yeah. I think that when I was reflecting on this and realizing that I was most likely going to be asked what makes me weird or unconventional, I was just washed up by all of these things. And one of the things that stuck out to me was that I enjoy talking to strangers.

Beth Ann [00:03:28]:

And I mean, like, on the bus, because I don't have a car. I'm on the bus a lot. I like talking to strangers on the bus, in the grocery store, wherever I am. And I feel that seems a little silly to say out loud, but I recognize, especially in the city where I'm at, people tend to avoid even making eye contact with each other. So I like to get through that initial layer of stickiness with strangers and see what's really going on, because I find that most people do want to connect, and they want to be seen and heard, and it's just like a defense mechanism against the threats that could be out there.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:04:11]:

Yeah, absolutely. I was just having a conversation with Casey Pepper, which previous episode to this one of something very similar, of this idea of many of us feeling isolated in a world of ever increasing connectiveness. How much more isolated and alone people feel, or at least we're noticing that people feel or that we're seeing take place in the world. Aside from the defense mechanism component of that, do you have any thoughts on why we're finding that more and more?

Beth Ann [00:04:47]:

Well, that's a whole rabbit hole. Social media and the Internet, I feel, is a super powerful tool. And it also is like. I mean, I find myself doing it where I'm feeling a lack of something or a need to distract myself, and I'll go on Instagram or Facebook or something and see what's on there. And then on there, I am comparing myself subconsciously to all the other people doing all of the cool things to the point of creating this self doubt and separation of me and them as being elsewhere on their journey. So I feel the disconnect in a world that's. I mean, it's literally full of people and opportunities. And like you said, ever expanding connection.

Beth Ann [00:05:41]:

It can be all too easy to fall into our beliefs of smallness or not enoughness or fear of being seen. And that can come from. I can give you a personal example. I was home schooled until fifth grade. And before I started public school, I had no concept of what was weird or normal. That really wasn't in my understanding. And then when I entered school, I realized that there was ways in which people functioned that were similar ways, that people spoke to each other already existing groups. And it became increasingly scary to try to find my way into those already existing groups.

Beth Ann [00:06:29]:

And I find that a lot of adults, as well as kids, are walking around with that same feeling of insecurity and not belonging. And we talk a lot in the enlisted community about our Billy voice and the beliefs and thoughts and stories and feelings we all hold. And I think that a lot of people, like the mass majority of people, are walking around secretly feeling like they don't belong.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:07:04]:

And is that actually true?

Beth Ann [00:07:07]:

Are you asking me?

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:07:09]:

Yeah.

Beth Ann [00:07:10]:

Is it true that they don't belong, or is it true that they think they don't belong?

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:07:15]:

Yes.

Beth Ann [00:07:18]:

Well, I can say that that's my perception of what's going on. And I also know that not belonging is right. Like, I remember I heard, I believe it was Halle Meadows, and she had said that one of her affirmations is, I belong everywhere I am. And I plucked that out, and I've been using it ever since as like a mechanism of. Because when I am saying this about general society feeling, this not belongingness, part of it is like a projection of something that I've experienced myself, of feeling like I don't belong where I am. And that is just like, ultimately separating. I'm not even giving people the opportunity to see me or me them as a result.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:08:13]:

Yeah, that's interesting. You mentioned of having this sense of otherness or not quite being sure of what social norms are after the home school experience, and I was like, I wasn't homeschooled. I feel that deeply. And I'm assuming that there's also many of us out there that have a very similar experience that we, for whatever reason, don't share of. Like, man, being a kid was real awkward. I didn't really understand what I was supposed to do or who I was supposed to be. And yet somehow we all experience this in this silent pact that we won't talk about it.

Beth Ann [00:08:58]:

That is interesting because it is universal, even. I'm sure that kids that seem to have large groups of friends were probably experiencing that same thing, of wanting to mesh into the collective mind rather than having their own voice, thoughts, and experience. What's that all about?

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:09:20]:

It's like, just the human experience, period, is just a big old ball of weird.

Beth Ann [00:09:27]:

Yeah, awkward is a good way to put it.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:09:29]:

Awkward? Yeah.

Beth Ann [00:09:31]:

Just like finding your footing.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:09:33]:

Yeah. And since you brought it up, and we haven't talked about this on the show in a bit, are you aware of the origin of the word weird?

Beth Ann [00:09:45]:

I'm not. Will you remind me?

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:09:47]:

Yeah, it's okay. So it's cool that you brought up this supernatural aspect of it, because the old english version of weird W-Y-R-D has to do with destiny and the fates. So if you remember, if you're familiar with Macbeth, there were the weird sisters standing for the fates, the three fates, the maiden, mother and Crone. And so it's this idea of this weaving, of this tapestry of reality or of your destiny. And so it's one of the things that we talk about the most on the show is being able to talk about people's experiences and talk about them being themselves, because that's truly weird. In the world of a world of people attempting to be other people, people who are truly themselves are the weird ones because they are marching towards their destiny.

Beth Ann [00:10:45]:

So it's not like a signifier of not fitting in or of being out of place by any means. It is a representation of moving towards what you came here to do.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:10:59]:

Again, it's the story that we tell ourselves, and so we can assign the meaning of not fitting in, of not being enoughness, or we can assign that meaning of being who we are and being in the right place at the right time, being exactly where we need to be at this moment. And knowing that I'm moving forward towards whatever I'm moving towards.

Beth Ann [00:11:24]:

I really like that reframe.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:11:28]:

It's an interesting one, and we haven't talked about it in a while, so feared. It's bears bringing up in different ways. As that continues to percolate in my own mind, and then in the mind of this co created experience of a podcast. In looking at your path into becoming a coach, what was that like for you? Is this something that you had already always had in your mind as a draw towards helping people? Or is this something that's been new for you that you're just now starting to explore?

Beth Ann [00:12:03]:

It's both. In a way, when I first had recognized the desire to help people in this way, it was coming from a place of almost lack in my own life. I was just coming out of a very intense couple of years of drug addiction. And on the other side of that, I was realizing that I really enjoyed holding space for people, and I recognized that I was a really good listener. I received that feedback a lot, but it became a problem. It was an opportunity, and at the time, perceivably a problem. I was attracting into my life friends and people who were not wanting to take responsibility over their own lives. And I would put myself in a very codependent position to just make myself available for them and their problems a lot.

Beth Ann [00:13:05]:

And I didn't like it. I didn't like always feeling that because I was opening myself to the intensity while ignoring and trying to bypass what was going on for me internally. So it actually sprung from this codependent place of wanting to bypass what I needed to work on by focusing my attention and energy on helping other people. So that didn't work out. It didn't pan out. But I kind of left the desire alone for a while, and I kept working, manufacturing jobs and customer service jobs and hiding in a way. And then I became attuned to Reiki, and I was looking for something, and I went into that initiation for the purpose of self healing. I uprooted my entire life, gave myself the most major pattern interruption by leaving my relationship, moving out by myself, and just starting completely fresh, quitting my job.

Beth Ann [00:14:07]:

And, yeah, being able to work with people on that front in just, like, an intentional, curated space to exchange energy and work with the subtle energy fields. Like, there was no coaching. It was just like holding the space of love that really helped me to step into the pathway of being and embodying love. When I became attuned to Reiki, I wasn't quite sure exactly what it meant. And then my Reiki master said to me one day, he's like, all you have to do is be love. He helped me to switch my perspective, to be that lens, and that really helped me to experience that for myself as well. Like, if I'm looking at all of these other people with this unconditional loving kindness, I want to be able to do that for myself. And then I met the enlisted crew at Mark England's Lake house last year in October, and I got to meet all these badass coaches.

Beth Ann [00:15:20]:

And people were not correcting me but inquiring into my language and my use of language. And I remember sitting at the table, Eric and Jenny were there talking about was like. I was like, what are you guys talking about? And I really got hooked at that event. And Mark England gifted me vocabulary. This is like a nutshell version of the story, but he gifted me vocabulary. And when I went home, I was just like, holy shit. I have been thinking and speaking in ways to be able to experience it for the first time myself in my own life and recognizing the ways that I was fully limiting myself and honestly being very mean to myself in my thoughts and language. It just.

Beth Ann [00:16:15]:

Light switch went off, and I took level one, and I just got really excited about being able to share this with other people. And it was no longer coming from a place of lack or wanting to bypass my own experience. It was coming from like, this is fucking magic, and I want to share it. So I believe that answers your question.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:16:36]:

Yeah, absolutely. Coming back to your. So you talked about this lesson that you experienced in your education, in Reiki of this embodiment or being love. Am I understanding this correct? Was that a shift for you rather than trying to do and shifting into being? Was I understanding and hearing that correctly?

Beth Ann [00:17:05]:

Yeah, 100%. You're great at asking questions.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:17:10]:

Thank you.

Beth Ann [00:17:10]:

You're a great listener. Okay. Yeah, I remember I was having this just like, I couldn't hack it. I was like, how do I do this? Right? How do I do this? Well. And when he said be, I was like, oh, shit, it's that simple. And it's also like, I found it to be more challenging than knowing what actions to take and how to do the thing right. It was like, I have to be this. Instead of my mind wanting to know specifically the workings of all the things, how everything's going to work out, all the mind stuff.

Beth Ann [00:17:54]:

It was instead, like, I have to create this as a space to exist within and a lens to see through.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:18:03]:

Yeah, that's an interesting thing, because even in the space of coaching words and stories and things like that, sometimes it can be easy to get stuck in this intellectual, especially for new coaches, for people who are starting down their self development practice and journeys. I will raise my hand as a high pot. I'm kettle of getting stuck in the thought gymnastics, of trying to think my way through a problem. How has that changed from the doing and staying in this mental exercise into being? How has that carried forward beyond your Reiki practice into your life?

Beth Ann [00:18:52]:

Yeah, it's so broad. Cultivating a lens of love is a practice that is an everyday practice, an every moment practice. It's like a practice in removing judgment of situations and other people and myself. Judgments of situations, as in, like, it makes me think of enlisted. Again, I love enlisted because it gives me the words to use to describe things I previously didn't have words for, but, like, opportunity thinking, or like, something happens at work or while I'm walking. I lost my keys the other day. I left them at my friend's house, and there was an opportunity to be like, oh, this fucking. Like, I'm screwed.

Beth Ann [00:19:53]:

But I chose to be relaxed about it. And then I found out that my partner, Bill, he had in his possession my keys for my other door. There's two doors to get into my apartment. And it was like, okay, so now I have keys to get in. And then it also became like, this is kind of fun and exciting because I've been using the back door to get in with the keys that I had because Bill had my front door keys for months, and I had been using only that door. And now I can only use the front door. And it's like I could frame it as I can only use this door. It's like I get to now switch up my routine.

Beth Ann [00:20:38]:

And pattern interruption is something I enjoy a lot. I like to keep things interesting and fresh, and it turned into something that brought me joy. Losing my keys.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:20:48]:

Yeah, absolutely.

Beth Ann [00:20:51]:

Yeah. That feels like. I don't know why that came up, but that felt like a lens of love moment.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:20:58]:

Yeah. Being able to cast that out for yourself, that's definitely a skill. Like you said, it's a practice and not a topic that we've talked enough about on this podcast, or at least not in a good long while of ensuring that we give ourselves the grace and the attention that we can practice. And yes, folks listening out there, I'm talking directly to you. Practice. It's always practice, practice, practice. And when we get caught up again in this mental gymnastics, this, this tendency towards thought based or solution based types of thinking of when I get the certification, that means I'm going to be good enough to make a million dollars or whatever story we create, we create this boundary for ourselves, of doneness. We reduce our lives to these series of checkboxes.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:22:00]:

And reality is that we are continually creating a practice around the things that we do. And when we come at it from a Practice mindset, we start to remove a lot of those pressures. So lean into your practices, folks.

Beth Ann [00:22:15]:

That made me think of. I was just thinking about, how do we really want a final destination?

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:22:22]:

Like, when we are ultimately, people will say, yes, I want to be done. I want to be finished with this thing. I was like, well, what does that actually mean? When are you truly done?

Beth Ann [00:22:39]:

When I die.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:22:40]:

Yeah. So it's, oh, you want to hurry that up? You want to rush that process. Okay. People accuse me of being morbid when I talk like that. I was like, I'm not having that thought. You are.

Beth Ann [00:22:56]:

That's all you, my friend.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:22:58]:

Yeah, that sounds like a projection on its own, right?

Beth Ann [00:23:05]:

Oh, it's so true. And it's easy to get caught up in that as well. Caught up in the never ending quest to get, quote it done. But, yeah, the process is the fun part. Going through the discomfort is fun. What even is done, exactly. I love going after a new thing, especially right now. I consider myself to be a baby in the realm of having my own business and navigating all of the things that come with that.

Beth Ann [00:23:40]:

It's like there is so much to it. The technicalities aside, it's like right now I'm just getting to the point where I've established a routine that works for me, like a routine of getting up and sitting down at my computer and structuring my time to get things done at the rate I want to so I can then create more space for flow elsewhere. And I'm not a person who's always valued structure and then into building your brand and doing marketing and scheduling all the stuff and going to networking events and every single piece of that also has these new little pieces of resistance and ledges to step over and fear to embrace.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:24:35]:

Absolutely. I just was on a call with a client of mine and very similar situation. Not necessarily the specifics, but that sentiment and also right there with you in that of this creating the structure for ourselves. And we think again, we think, well, I made the schedule, I'll never have to make the schedule again. That's another hilarious thought that I'm having for myself. This is what it is at this moment and it's going to change and that's okay. And also knowing the growth that comes through building your own business. A mentoring coach of a friend of mine, she had made this post of entrepreneurship is the deepest shadow work that we can possibly ever do.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:25:32]:

It exposes everything for us, especially when we're doing getting started all by ourselves. All by ourselves. When it's up to us to execute and create the vision and execute it, it's easy to start to feel. And I will be completely honest, folks, this has been the struggle for my week of feeling like an absolute beginner and novice, and I'm taking every step in the wrong direction. At the same time. That's a real gut punch. As you've been building through this, have you found some ways or some, some strategies or some practices that have helped you step away from this need to feel done or this need to be like the master overnight of all the things you need to do for your business?

Beth Ann [00:26:30]:

Yeah. Thank you for sharing your experience. That's also been a theme in my own mind and life. But lately I've been discovering that the more tightly I cling to the desired outcome and the result, the more I suffer. And what I found works for me. And I'm sure that this will change because this is just the ledge I'm at right now. But taking the messiest action possible and just doing it, like posting the thing, sending the voice note without listening back to it, just like putting myself out there without needing it to be perfect, has helped me a lot to overcome this sense of, like, I need to be done or I need to be at the end of this, because I've actually been reflecting on how do I even want that? Because right now I'm very excited about the process. I'm building out a new program, a group container.

Beth Ann [00:27:43]:

And I have tried and failed three other times to do this, and I shouldn't say failed. I had the intention. I got really excited about it, launched it, and then I got so scared and I stopped starting conversations about it. I would make a little post here and there and I didn't get anybody to sign up. And I recognized the ways in which I was sabotaging my own drive to create this. And this time feels different. The fear is there, but I know now that when the fear comes up, I will go back into the process, I'll get back into the mix of what it is that I'm creating and why I'm creating it and who it's for and why. I'm excited to offer this.

Beth Ann [00:28:31]:

And my main goal is just to create a space where women can come together and lift each other up. Like basic baseline. That's it. And I know that that's needed, and I know that that's exciting to me and I also need it. So it's like coming back to my why really helps me to reignite the fuel when I'm feeling a sense of urgency or fear. Do you have any reflections?

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:29:02]:

Yeah. When you talked about the attempting to launch a program three times and it's quote unquote failing, the vision that I had in my, or the picture I had in my mind was, have you ever seen old time, like the space race era? Like when they're doing the rocket tests, they're building these rockets that are supposed to take people in outer space or satellites, and how many times they fail, they fall over, they blow up, corks grew out of control. It's like in looking through, in my own experience of that, of trying to build a business or working in a business that closed, of continually looking to launch myself forward in various ways, what I saw was because I've done the exact thing that you talked about of getting scared or feeling too small or feeling something, that I realized that I'm not doing it justice to actually allow people to know or be invited or feel welcomed to whatever I'm building. It's almost like I built the rocket and then I decided to fill it a quarter way up with fuel. And it said it's going to get to the moon on a quarter of fuel. I had that happen personally of a workshop I hosted. I was so excited for it. I felt like I had done all the promotion that I needed to.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:30:32]:

I printed all the posters, I put them all around town. I posted on it on social media, and I got to the day. Guess who showed up?

Beth Ann [00:30:43]:

You.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:30:44]:

Yes. And that was it. So there was definitely a moment of feeling like I failed. Nobody wants this. And you get that heavy feeling of this pressure of what am I even doing? That imposter syndrome. The Billy voice comes ripping through in the biggest, baddest way that it maybe hasn't before or in a long time. And so it's taking the breath and taking the moment. I still delivered the workshop, one, two, the next day.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:31:22]:

What did I do? I started inviting everybody I possibly could. I took all the steps that I avoided the first time. And so it's the continual lessons in these things of where do we go? Are the actions that we're taking? Are we actually taking action that's aligned to what we're going for? Or are we just telling ourselves that it felt good because I posted the thing one time, I got five likes on it. It means five people are going to show up. Right?

Beth Ann [00:31:56]:

Right.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:31:57]:

Yeah. So in that, in this exploration, anything that you've noticed for yourself as you've been building this, of additional pieces of wisdom or things that you've noticed for yourself that have been starting to shift as you build this new program?

Beth Ann [00:32:19]:

Yeah, there's been a lot of really exciting new layers of stepping out of my own way that I've been noticing. And it feels different than before, the getting out of my own way component, because before it was like you were saying, just posting about it felt like enough, like I had done the work, putting an eventbrite up, like putting 3 hours into a canva design. And now I recognize the ways in which I am procrastinating on taking the actual action. This is really funny. I wanted to host a free call to bring people in to experience a little sample of what I am wanting to offer in the program. And for some reason I called it a master class. And I keep going in my head about it because I'm like, okay, well, now it's out there. I've called it a master class.

Beth Ann [00:33:18]:

I guess it's a master class of this. I never would have said I'm a master of this. But now here I am about to facilitate a master class that actually has been, in a really fun way, fueling me in really putting this. It feels like an art piece at this point, together to facilitate and foster the experience I want to bring to these women. If I'm going to be calling it a master class, I better be showing up.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:33:56]:

But.

Beth Ann [00:34:00]:

I sent out three voice notes yesterday, and I've made the goal to send out three per day, and I got three sign ups. Whereas I had been posting on my story pretty relentlessly, I made, like, three separate posts on Instagram that didn't generate any clicks, that didn't generate any tickets out the door. Sending voice notes and connecting one on one with people is what did. And it's as simple as starting a conversation. And that actually took a lot of pressure off me to be super perfect about my marketing tactics. While I know that that will evolve over time, and I do find a lot of joy in creating, I don't want to be on my screen all the time. What I do want is to connect with people. That's it.

Beth Ann [00:34:49]:

And I find that that is perfect because that's all anybody else wants, too. So when I'm sending out a message saying, hey, what's up in your sphere right now? What's happening in your vortex? And saying that, I want you here, I'm reaching out because I think you would be a perfect addition to this container. I want your specific magic and your specific light here. Are you in? It feels so much more personal. It's not about ticket sales, or selling out my program, or going viral on social media. It's like doing this for the sake of experiencing what's possible when we all come together with an intention to evolve.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:35:33]:

Yeah. That plays into even something that we talked about before, of this feeling of isolation, of like, often most of us are just waiting for that call. This is something that I've come back to, is a lesson for myself of looking back at childhood, adolescence, and even early twenty s and things. Of feeling like, I've been waiting by the phone for the cool kids to call and invite me to the party. And it's like, well, what if I just start calling people instead? What if I'm the cool kid that invites everybody else to the party? It's a reminder of that. Especially when we feel like we're in the stuckness, in the like, well, nobody wants to come to my thing. It's like, well, is that actually. Is that actually true? Or are you actually making a connection with somebody to where they trust you? Or they even saw it because the tech and the algorithms, it's tough.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:36:38]:

There's no guarantee that everybody did see it. I look back at my days of being a musician in original band. The three or four shows a week at the local dive bars, and you send the invite button to everybody on Facebook and nobody ever shows up. It's like, well, why? Because it was such an impersonal invitation. Or again, it's like this lazy thought of, well, I posted my little poster up. If you build it, they'll come, right? People need a little more coaxing than that, and you will have people who notice it and want to be there. And many of us need a little prodding, myself included, to say, hey, I got a thing going on. I would love to have you there.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:37:31]:

So, Yan. Yeah.

Beth Ann [00:37:35]:

And then it just expands from there. People come to the event, they have a really great time and get to experience themselves in a whole new way and be experienced by other people. It's like addicting almost. That's what happened to me, is I went to a breath work circle one time, and that was like my initiation into intentionally held spaces. And to be able to share that with others, especially, it was like an hour and a half long, hyperventilatory. We're all in there. Breath work experience. I'd never done that before, and some crazy stuff came up.

Beth Ann [00:38:13]:

I was crying, and everybody was there for me as I was for them. And yeah, I was hooked after that when it came to exploring the internal world.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:38:26]:

Yeah, so hooked on that exploration and that idea of space being held or also hooked on breath work.

Beth Ann [00:38:37]:

Yes, to both. And to community gatherings in general. I spent a lot of time, I was hoping we would talk about this. I spent a lot of time, like I said, I was rampantly addicted to drugs. I was doing opiate, Spencers, anything I could get my hands on for like four or five years. I was in that right after high school. It started in high school with alcohol. And that was the first experience I had feeling, and I want to say, quote, seen, accepted.

Beth Ann [00:39:12]:

Like I could express myself and be myself, which also intertwines with my embracing. My weirdness was like, I felt like when I was high or drunk or in a group of people doing either of those things, it felt in a roundabout way, like that part of myself was able to be expressed and seen, and that felt like community. That felt like freedom, that felt safe. And then on the other side of that, there was just like this hole that I still was feeling where it was like, okay, what is it? Why do I feel so empty? I'm off the drugs. What's missing? And then I started going to breathwork circles, yoga. I started to meet people who were also doing those things. And that was like, my slow boil into recognizing what true connection really looked like and truly being seen was.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:40:13]:

Yeah, there's a book that I come back to very often, and it's something that has, again, it's a topic I come back to so often that what we miss a lot in our lives is connection. And ultimately, we miss connection with the most important person in our lives, ourselves. Yeah, there's a book. I stumbled upon this book on my first ever vacation that I took as an adult, which was last September. So it took me almost 20 years of adult life to take an actual vacation where I went somewhere and wasn't working. Found this book called on connection, short read. Kai Tempest is the author. And there's a point in the middle of all of the things that I had done, of trying to lose weight, to find some sort of self acceptance, trying getting involved in a sport later in life, because that allowed me this achievement that I wasn't getting somewhere else, that allowed me some semblance of that riding the waves of that, of up and down, of realizing that that connection to self was the thing that was missing so much more deeply than anything else.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:41:35]:

And that I for years fueled it with booze, food binging, tv shows, like doing everything I could to disassociate from the actual thing I needed, which is myself then being feeling that connection for you on your journey. Was there a moment where you had that breakthrough realization of like, oh, this is what I've been missing the whole time?

Beth Ann [00:42:09]:

Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. It really is like an incredible journey back home to the south. I feel that's all any of us really want and are looking been, and it continues to be a journey lifted. Really helped me to stepping out of my role as a victim in my own life and learning to affirm my existence rather than negate it or focus on all the ways that I had perceivably failed in my life. There was a lot of shame and guilt I was holding around my experience as an addict and the way I showed up in romantic relationships and all the things I had done in my life that seemed wrong or bad. And to be able to do this story work and to work these stories. Some stories I worked with some other coaches around my shame and around I remember working.

Beth Ann [00:43:20]:

One about how I had cheated on a prior partner and I worked a story about how I used to shoplift and these were things that I wanted to hide and never tell anybody. And I was like, I don't have to. These behaviors aren't hurting anybody else anymore. But it was like they were hurting me. And to be able to work those stories and then find on the other side these powerful statements affirming who I am present day while being able to breathe and feel through the experience for the first time and be seen by another person, for example, the coach or the person I was working with through that, it was just like a pure magic. And, I mean, it's still a process of unwinding the layers of self judgment and shame. But uncovering and reframing those stories have really brought me back to just that core place of self love. I don't talk about myself the way that I used to, and I don't think about myself the way that I used to.

Beth Ann [00:44:32]:

I don't, in conversation, minimize myself the way that I used to. And that has been the foundation for transformation in my own life. And being able to then find my community that really aligns with that level of self awareness and self compassion. The people I attract into my life now are also riding the same wave. And I'm finding the groups and circles of people who are also moving towards that unified vision of love for the self and others. And that's what my program is focusing on. And this is true for all people. But I really have the desire to work with women specifically in the realm of uncovering and reframing these ways, we have allowed ourselves to become the victim of our circumstances and of the ways we perceive society, to repress and limit us, and to really take these stories of smallness and not enoughness and examine them, and to stop seeking the external validation that we're good and that we're lovable and that we're safe because it's a never ending pursuit.

Beth Ann [00:45:50]:

I went on that pursuit of looking in every corner of everywhere, trying to find something that only I can give myself.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:46:02]:

Brad, so cool to hear other people's journeys, that there's always a kernel of something that I know that reflects back for my own journey for others as well as they're listening to this. Being somebody who's worked some stories, have you ever come back to a story that you've worked and taken a different look at it and seeing if that's changed over the time since you've worked it, if that perspective has changed at all?

Beth Ann [00:46:40]:

Are you talking about my own stories?

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:46:42]:

Yeah.

Beth Ann [00:46:44]:

So coming back to my document. Yeah, it's interesting. I've gone back to my level one document that I worked with Mark. Mark and went. Went in there and rereading those stories now, that felt gut wrenching to express or even write then. Now when I read them, at first, there's like this tightening, and it's all about, how's my body feeling right now. It's just such a good indicator of how much hold something still has of you. And at first I'll tense up because my body remembers how hard it was to read.

Beth Ann [00:47:27]:

But then as I'm looking over it again, it hardly even feels like. I don't want to say it doesn't feel like my story. It does. It just doesn't feel like identification. It doesn't feel like identification. Before, it felt like, this is me, this story is me. Now it just feels like this is something I experienced. And moving into that observer role, I don't know if that's what you mean.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:48:02]:

Yeah, no, that's exactly what I was talking about. Just out of curiosity of how often people do revisit some of these things, especially ones that did have a high amount of emotional pull and charge. It's something that I've been curious about and looking at revisiting more for myself as well. How often do we feel like we broke out of those grooves, those well worn grooves in our mind, and then find ourselves? I thought I took care of this. I feel like I'm in the same thing. And you go back and reread it and you go, oh, yeah, all right, okay. I maybe slid back into that for a moment, or maybe I slid back into that and it uncovered something even deeper.

Beth Ann [00:48:55]:

Okay. Yeah. I mean, there's layers to it, right? And there's layers to how certain. Okay, let's just say the story was a trauma, like a traumatizing event. There's layers to that. I remember my first and lifted live session when it was like, okay, let's talk about a story that hurts, harms, or haunts you. And then the next question is, can you remember the first time in your life where you experienced that feeling? And it can be easy or hard to go back in time and try to find that, but then it's like, okay, what about present day? Where else is this pattern manifesting in my life that actually happened to me last night? I was, like, meditating on a specific thing, a specific instance in my life that was happening, that was causing me a little bit of pain. And all of a sudden, I caught myself in this train of thinking about a completely different event in my life that had happened in the past that could easily not be.

Beth Ann [00:50:02]:

It's not the same context, it's not the same story, but it has the same energetics to it, like how I felt in the moment. And it's funny because the story of the past was something I felt I had worked through. But then this scenario of present day, I was still feeling the same sense of abandonment and hurt that I had experienced in this much more intense past experience. And then it made me wonder. I don't know. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. On how we recreate scenarios subconsciously in our life and attract them in based off of. It's a belief, right? That this is how relationship has to be or this is how conflict has to be.

Beth Ann [00:50:51]:

And catching yourself recreating the drama again. Present day.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:50:58]:

Yeah, there's many layers, like you said, of taking a look back into that and an area that I've done some exploration with through some guidance of many other folks in not only the enlifted community, but my extended coaching and friendship family out there, of taking different lenses of like, okay, just like you said, it can be really hard to drop yourself immediately into that first memory of when did I first experience this? Or when did I first learn this pattern? Having some experience around folks from the training camp or the soul side of things, of talking through, of like, okay, if I don't remember the exact moment, can I drop myself into that time period of my life and look at what did I actually need then? I learned this lesson because there wasn't a need that was met somewhere. What was that need? What did I not receive then? Can I give that to myself now to help break that pattern fully?

Beth Ann [00:52:17]:

Wow, I'm going to yoink that right from this conversation.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:52:24]:

Yeah.

Beth Ann [00:52:24]:

I've never thought of it in that framework of not getting too attached to the specifics of the memory.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:52:32]:

Yeah.

Beth Ann [00:52:33]:

And just tuning into the felt experience. Is there a word for that practice?

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:52:41]:

I've always just known it as inner child work. Like an exploration of that even because I know you're familiar with some of the parts work as well. It can play into some of those components too. Of like, what part of me is feeling something that's really unfulfilled? Is it reacting to a protection of self? Or is it an unfulfilled need? What is it that I'm actually believing here? What did I actually learn from a previous experience that have created a belief? And I'm acting and running that program of that belief through my reticular activating system, even though it may not be conscious. Oh, I seem to always be hanging around the same types of people or the same sorts of situations. What part of me learned that that was what I was actually looking for, or what part of me was unfulfilled that I'm looking for. People who need are going to ask endlessly of me, people pleasing as a defense mechanism. When did I learn that? When did I need that defense? What was unfulfilled from my past that I can now gift to myself?

Beth Ann [00:54:04]:

Yeah, I mean, that's so powerful. We get to go there and make present day changes to these behaviors and modes of being that aren't serving us, that maybe even stemmed from before our lifetime, depending on. We learned this from our parents, and our parents learned from their parents, and now we get to make the call to step into power over fear. That's the good stuff.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:54:36]:

And being able to look at that, too, just like you said of like, is this even mine? Is this a lesson that I inherited? Is this a belief that I inherited somewhere? And as our good friend Mark England says, if you can write it down, you can force step it. And so, having gone through the ancestral course and also been an experience of some family constellation therapy sessions as well, looking at that, of what have I pulled forward that I'm not even aware of? The programs that were part of the way that my great grandfather, one of them, they started doing a thing, they had to fulfill a need somewhere. They had to survive. Somehow that got passed down to his son, so on and so on and so on. And then here I am running the same program, and I don't even know where it came from. And so it's being able to trace those things back. Another can't remember if this was on a podcast episode or this was just in a conversation I had with somebody. But we look at much of our difficulties in our modern lives.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:55:51]:

We rewind back 100 years. There was a major issue with scarcity, because it's not like you could just go to the store and buy avocados. Many times. It would be a multiple day journey to get to a store for some people in the United States, especially in the rural parts, like where I live. So we carried forward a lot of patterns of scarcity and stories of scarcity. And now we live in a world that is so enormously abundant. And because we don't know how to handle that, especially conjoined with this sense of scarcity, no wonder we see this conflict, inner conflict, especially of, well, I can eat as many calories as I could ever want, and yet I don't want to, because I don't want the effect that that has, but I really want the effect that it has. So we're in this push, pull back and forth and back and forth, and it's like, okay, where can we start to challenge some of those stories that we learn for ourselves? Anything that I'm on a rant, on a tangent, on a soapbox, of the fun stuff that I like to explore and learn about.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [00:57:09]:

Is there anything in your world that's been similar that you've noticed or that you've started to explore for yourself?

Beth Ann [00:57:16]:

Yeah. Thank you for sharing all of that. Yeah. It feels forgiving to remember that. It hasn't been that long since life was like that scarcity was a part of everyday life. And thinking back to, I'm like, how were people interacting with nature? Were people growing their own food? But then it's like, okay, they were working to maintain families. There was a lot more factors. I can't place any judgment on what people were doing back then.

Beth Ann [00:57:54]:

It was survival, right? I've experienced that and still experience it sometimes as a new entrepreneur, sometimes things financially are looking pretty sketchy. And that's been something that I've gotten to sit with and be with and also continue to surrender to the journey and take action in the direction of what it is that I want to create from my heart. And that's something my family doesn't really do. That's not something I learned in my family, was to follow what is heart led. And so it's been a back and forth journey of sometimes entering that place of survival and then doing what I need to to get back to safety that's so huge for me, is finding my safety again in a world full of unknowns and in a rocky place of launching my rocket and taking the time to fill it completely full with gas this time. And, yeah, scarcity and lack is a perspective. And whatever my bank account looks like, I've made it my personal mission, especially since working with Scarlett to create a beingness of abundance. I see abundance in everything.

Beth Ann [00:59:23]:

First, it starts with gratitude. If I'm feeling lack in someplace, I'll just start with gratitude. And then all of a sudden, everything I'm looking at feels abundant. I don't need new things constantly to feel abundant. I don't need the fattest ever bank account to feel abundant. Like, just cleaning my room, I'll find something that's been missing for a long time. Or, like, I just started a new job, and I've had this huge stack of Manila folders that I got for free that I've never had a use for, but I got them for free. So it was like, a win then.

Beth Ann [00:59:56]:

And now I get to use them, and it just feels like a full bodied, rejuvenated, pleasurable experience to be like, fuck, yes, I get to use these Manila folders. One thing that's really helped me is to be able to create the sensation of love and abundance and fullness from perceivably nothing. Every day. I make it my mission to see in every moment the way that things are always working out for me. And as a result, things just work out for me. And even when things look sketchy or I'm not sure how I'm going to pay all my bills this month, it just seems to work out. And obviously there is structure needed. I'm not saying surrender all.

Beth Ann [01:00:46]:

Don't just give it all away. Don't stop in your tracks and just wait for things to come to you. But there is something to say about utilizing your perspective and your compass of pleasure to find your abundance. And, yeah, that's my main compass, is pleasure. And I don't mean pleasure seeking in the form of drugs and substances anymore. I mean pleasure in the sense of, like, everything is delicious, everything is nourishing. Like, the conversations I have, the quality of conversations I have, the way that I'm perceiving my morning coffee when I take the extra five minutes to set my bed exactly the way I like it, with everything cute and cozy. How can I create that delight, that sense of pure delight in my life in every instance, so that I can maintain that frequency of enoughness?

Jeremy Gruensteiner [01:01:52]:

It's an amazing journey, for sure, and an amazing practice and an amazing perspective to come to. Just like you talked about the pleasure aspect of rather than consuming for consumption's sake, getting to enjoy what you have and enjoy, enjoy the experience versus I bought the thing, now I have to buy the next thing and the next thing and the next thing, or I drank the gallon of coffee, and now I want a gallon of coffee more.

Beth Ann [01:02:22]:

Let's go.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [01:02:23]:

Yeah. Exactly. As we start to wrap up our time today, is there anything in particular? Any last thoughts? Any final nuggets of wisdom that you'd like to share with the audience?

Beth Ann [01:02:38]:

Yeah. Okay. The journey to self love is the most worthwhile journey any and all of us can go on. And it creates, like, a ripple effect out into the lives of others. I have this little phrase I've been saying to myself in the mirror, and anybody can adopt it if they'd like. And I say to myself, making eye contact, I will be a good friend to you today, Beth. I love you. And that's it.

Beth Ann [01:03:12]:

And it used to be so uncomfortable and weird to me, and now it just seems natural and I can look at myself in the eyes and it's interesting to think that saying I love you to yourself can be like one of the most cringey things at first, the most uncomfortable and yeah, repetition, repetition.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [01:03:37]:

As many people have experienced, even saying it to a partner can be very stressful as well. And so of course, that's the first time you do it, it's going to be uncomfortable. Excuse me. As we wrap up again, anything that you mentioned, your program, anything else that you would like to promote, anything you'd like to let the listeners know of what you've got going on in the world or how they can get in touch with you?

Beth Ann [01:04:06]:

Yeah, thank you. Absolutely. You can follow me on Instagram. My Instagram handle is ebb and flow integrations and there is a period between each word and I have a free master class coming up on the 29 November. It is a sorry, dudes, but this is for women this time around. It is a master class and goddess circle centered around creating strength through softening. So we're going to dive into a lot of somatic techniques. We're going to do some language and story work, and we're going to meditate and dance.

Beth Ann [01:04:46]:

And I'm going to go into tuning into subtle energy and how to create and foster safety from within your body so that your external reality reflects that and that class is free. And it's a little sample taste of my three month program that's beginning in December 13 where we are going to meet every Wednesday and dive into the same topics. We're going to have some guest speakers coming in to share their magic in the realm of creating confidence, safety and yummy deliciousness in our lives. And yeah, come find me. I'd love to chat any and always.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [01:05:27]:

Fantastic. Yeah, we'll make sure that we have links for all of those things in the show notes. So yeah, keep an eye out for that and more coming from Beth as we wrap up. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for sharing all of your experiences and allowing me to ramble a little bit more than usual. And also, thank you for being you. You.

Beth Ann [01:05:51]:

Yeah, awesome. I love you.

Jeremy Gruensteiner [01:05:53]:

Yeah, love you too. As always, thank you folks for listening. Stay strong and stay weird.