#23 "Empowering Teens: Authenticity & Confidence" with Jenn Cody

00:15 - 00:53
Speaker 1: Welcome to another episode of Teen Minds Redefined, where we strive to redefine our relationships with our teens as we foster their true, authentic human growth into this world. And today I have a beautiful guest, Jen Cody. She is a dedicated advocate for personal growth and empowerment, known for her compassion approach to helping others lead confident and authentic lives. With over 2 decades of experience as a helper and connector, Jen has become a trusted leader in the wellness community. As a founder of Jen Cody Coaching and the host of the Create Your Day podcast, Jen is committed

00:53 - 01:37
Speaker 1: to guiding women towards trusting their intuition and decision making skills, ultimately leading to a greater confidence and fulfillment. Her coaching practice is informed by her extensive certifications in life, organizational, wellness, fulfillment and transitional coaching. Passionate about embracing vulnerability as a catalyst for courage, Jen empowers her clients to regain ownership of their lives and navigate through challenging transitions with resilience and grace. Through her transformative coaching approach, Jen helps individuals harness their tragic realities to create incredible futures filled with purpose and authenticity. And what a beautiful bio. Thank you, Jen, for joining me. I'm so excited for this

01:37 - 02:05
Speaker 1: conversation. Jennifer Thank you. Wow, hearing you read it was even better. Jennifer I got to do you good. I got to do you good. Jennifer Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate the opportunity. Dr. Denae Smith Oh, this is fun and listening to your podcast I'm like, yep, yep, yep, yep, you got to have this. I've got to have Jen on here because the message is, as I gave you a little backstory before when I first started the podcast in October, it was more geared for parents who had teenagers who were

02:05 - 02:46
Speaker 1: neurodiverse and you know trying to help specific diagnoses and then it just kind of morphed into this whole different thing where you don't need a diagnosis to be supporting a teenager, especially after what we've been dealing with past 3 or 4 years now. And it all seemed to, the common denominator as I'm talking to different experts, is that, and this is not a slam to any parent, but it seems to always start with the parent. You know, if you're getting triggered by your kid, if something's really, you know, not sitting with you and there's some resistance,

02:46 - 03:22
Speaker 1: it's 9 times out of 10 not the kid and it's something you're bringing into the relationship. And we all do it. There's absolutely no slam there and I think there's never a failing parent. If we're still trying, we're still parenting and we're still doing our best. So we're going to go down, I don't even know what path because you have so many like ideas and great thoughts and things I want to talk about. Is there something you want to start off with? What are you feeling about what we're talking about today? Okay. Well, first, thank you

03:22 - 04:05
Speaker 1: so much, Cheryl. It's really great to be here. I love what you're doing with this podcast. Thank you. I think it's so important. I love what you just said that you don't need a diagnosis in order to need to Be parenting your teen in a positive way our teen population Needs us to really model for them what it means to live a fulfilling life, a confident life, an authentic life. I think they are probably the first generation really that is growing up in this world that no 1 knows how to navigate what they're dealing with, right?

04:05 - 04:45
Speaker 1: No one's done it before. And if we can offer them some guidance and safety to be who they are, That to me is just the most important job in the world. And I'm a mom of now 20 somethings, and being a parent of people in that time in their life and guiding them through the teenage years is really powerful and so important. So I would love to talk more about how we can do that and what does it look like to really show a teenager that they have the safety and ability to live a confident and

04:45 - 05:22
Speaker 1: authentic life. And I love that you said authentic because I've said a few times, you know, I've done a lot of work on myself and when I sit in these courses or challenges or you know, the mind, what do you call those, You know, master classes, those sorts of things. I feel like it's all people my age and I'm like, why are we waiting so long? Why are we waiting so long to think, oh, that doesn't, like what does resistance feel like? What does this feel like? I want to skip the middleman for our teenagers and

05:22 - 06:01
Speaker 1: say at 19 and 20 and 21, this feels like me. I'm going over there and I'm not going to worry about what anybody says or thinks. So how do we start there? How do we help parents foster that thought? Well I think a lot of it has to do with allowing our teenagers to really know that they can talk to us. Right, That is absolutely the first thing is to make sure that there is communication and I feel like the teens today, most of them really are living in a very curated experience. Everything they do all

06:01 - 06:35
Speaker 1: day long is so curated that they don't even know who they are. They don't know how to be who they really are. And what you just said that we go into these master classes and take these courses and do this work at this age and we have the benefit of hindsight and how amazing would it have been to know when we were a teenager that this work could really shape our future and it's up to us to show them that that's the way to go, right? So I feel helping, it's so hard for an adult to

06:35 - 07:13
Speaker 1: really tap into their self-awareness And that's where confidence and authenticity comes from is self-awareness And it's so difficult as an adult to do that because to be frank who the hell wants to really be take a good look at what's going on in there. Yeah it's not fun, it's not easy. So as a teenager it can be even more daunting and as a teenager they don't necessarily know the gravity that that type of work holds. And it's up to us to really guide them and show them that doing this type of work is going to be

07:13 - 07:54
Speaker 1: what transforms their future, what transforms their present, and what transforms their relationships, which is what shapes everything that's about to come in their future. You know, how do you model good relationships for them? How do you, and by relationships, I just mean communicating with other people, not necessarily, you know, romantic relationships or anything like that, but just showing them what it means to live your own life confidently and authentically will kind of demonstrate for them how it's done. Right? Yeah. And how do we do that? Where do we start? Well, it's so hard. I think the

07:54 - 08:27
Speaker 1: first thing is there are concrete things that I have done with my own children and that I mentioned to you, I know off camera that I work with very little ones trying to really start the process at an early age and showing them that they're in a safe space is definitely number 1. And When it comes to teenagers, I think the best way to do that is to be honest with them. Let them know. Just say the words out loud. Let them know this is a safe space. You can speak to me about anything you want

08:27 - 09:06
Speaker 1: to talk about. There's no judgment here. Teenagers, historically, are nervous to talk to anyone they see in a position of authority. They're nervous to open up. They're nervous to be vulnerable. And if they can't be vulnerable with us, they certainly are not going to be vulnerable with anyone else. And when they think that they are, this is where I think a lot of them get caught up, they think they're being vulnerable with their friends and it's performative. It's not really true vulnerability. They don't know what that looks like until they have allowed themselves to be seen

09:07 - 09:38
Speaker 1: by the people closest to them. That's true vulnerability, right? Cheryl Kane-Piasecki, PhD And I think it's good to say, Because I hear a lot of parents say, oh, I've told them they can say anything to me or I can pick them up if they need a ride and they're drunk, that's okay. I'm not going to ask any questions. But are you ready for that? You really need to check yourself at the door before you go in and say these things because it's your energy as well that's going to say, yeah, this is a safe space, not

09:38 - 10:16
Speaker 1: just your words. And you need, you know, if you up to this point, up to this conversation, have not been authentic with that conversation, okay, I'm sorry. We have to be honest, we have to apologize. I screwed up, but starting now, this is like, and you have to reestablish that trust because I hear so many people saying, I'm like, not sure I believe you. Yeah, exactly. And the teenager, they will call you right out. They'll know when you're not being authentic. They can read between the lines. I think sometimes easier than we can. They're watching our

10:16 - 10:51
Speaker 1: behavior more so than we watch each other's behavior, right? They're looking at us because they're future, they see the direction that we go in and so they're looking to us. And I can tell you a funny story, It's not really funny, but when my children were little very little now My kids are 20. My son will be 24 this year. My daughter will be 23 and when they were probably 3 and 4 years old I'm going to say there was a commercial on tv And it showed a woman looking at a pregnancy test. And the camera

10:51 - 11:22
Speaker 1: pans out and you realize that it's her daughter that's actually taking the pregnancy test. And I remember in that moment, thinking to myself, I want my kids to trust me, to know that they can come to me, to always know that they can be safe with me. And I knew that I couldn't trust myself to not be judgy and switch that as I went into my parenting journey with them. And that night when they were 3 and 4 years old, I sat down, I wrote them each a letter and I let them know exactly what I

11:22 - 11:54
Speaker 1: was feeling in that moment, that please know that I love you unconditionally. You can talk to me about anything at any point in your life. And I held on to those letters, I gave it to them at different points in their life when it felt right. And they were probably, let's say 13, 14, that area. And I was like, now's the time for me to be this person. But you have to be ready for it. Like you're saying, you have to be honest when you tell them that they can tell you anything. They're going to tell

11:54 - 12:30
Speaker 1: you anything. And you have to be poker-faced and not... Because they're going to read into every little flinch of an eyebrow. They're going to be like, what do you mean by that? They know. I saw the eye roll. They know. So I know with my own mom, I was able to speak to her about anything. And she was a very strict parent. So it wasn't because she was all loose and, oh, you're so cool and you could do whatever you want. That's not what made it safe. It was the lack of judgment that made it safe.

12:30 - 13:06
Speaker 1: And I think as parents, sometimes we get confused by that. We want to be friends with our children. We want to be viewed as cool and accepting, and that's what we think will make them want to talk to us. And that makes them roll their eyes at us. That's not... Well, yeah. It's lame in their eyes and it doesn't show leadership. Right. If you're on the same playing field as your kid, who's the leader? Yeah. They need structure. Who's the guide? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. For sure. So I'm going to ask you, how did your

13:06 - 13:41
Speaker 1: kids react to the letters? Well different experiences with both of them. My son is much less inclined to open up to anyone, but he eventually will, you know, I get glimpses here and there and he will speak to me when he wants to. My daughter is much more of an open book and I love that she knows that she can speak to me about anything and I love that he will also, you know, he knows that I'm there and that's all we can do. We can't make them do the talking. We just have to let them

13:41 - 14:18
Speaker 1: know that we can be there and I think, you know, I try to encourage them and any teens, you know, when I, in my coaching practice, when I, a lot of times people will even ask me to speak to their children, their teen children, and I try to encourage them to really Be honest with themselves about who they are. And like we were saying a few minutes ago, it's not easy to have that level of self-awareness. It's scary to see what's going on inside. And especially for this generation that's growing up under such a microscope and

14:18 - 14:57
Speaker 1: everybody sees everything they're doing and everything is so curated for the gram, you know, it's all about and I know that feeling. I'm at 50 years old and living it for my own business. It's a very strange existence. Yeah, I'm the same. I'm the same. Right? It's real. Oh my gosh. Yeah, it's such a weird reality. Yeah, and what they're seeing of course is curated as well. So what they're looking at as the perfect life, that what they're looking at is what they should be doing and should be saying and should be spending on or should

14:57 - 15:33
Speaker 1: be owning, like all of that is curated and it's so hard to say it's all fake, like it's all, right? How do we talk to them about that? Like, how do we have those conversations? Yeah, I mean, I think it's, first, the first step is letting them know they can have it, right? Which we talked about. They know that they can have these conversations with us. But then it's about really being real. So I think this is where the authenticity part comes in. And this level of self-awareness is necessary to be a functioning human being. If

15:33 - 16:07
Speaker 1: you're going to have empathy, and this is what I think is important to drive home to the teens in our life, when we're having these conversations, let them know this is such an important step in you becoming who you are meant to be. You can't become, you can't step into whatever you want your future to look like. You can't fully appreciate it and enjoy it if you don't know who you really are. If you don't know what really makes you tick, if your goals that you're setting for yourself are because they're what you think you're supposed

16:07 - 16:42
Speaker 1: to do, or are they really tied to what you want? So I think 1 of the first steps is to talk to our teenagers about the goals that they have for themselves. And not just what the goal is, right? Whether it's related to their career, their sports that they like, their friendships, wherever the goals are, it doesn't matter how big or small, push them on why it's important to them. Try and get them talking about what makes this something that is driving you? What's the end result going to be for you? What does your life look

16:42 - 17:14
Speaker 1: like when you accomplish this goal? Almost forcing them to see their future through the lens of who they are and not through the lens of what's expected of them. Because those aha moments will happen for them, right? They're gonna be like, wait a minute, I don't know. Maybe I just had this goal because my aunt said I should go to medical school or whatever, you know? Is this really what I want? And we have to be the ones to press them on figuring this out. And that honestly, Cheryl, that's where the title of my podcast, Create

17:14 - 17:45
Speaker 1: Your day, that's where that comes from. What do you want your day to look like? This is how you create your future. This is how you create your goals. You have to start with your day. What do you want this hour to look like? What are the feelings you want to be feeling? What are the relationships you want to be having? What are the conversations about? And so much more manageable to be able to do that and say to a teen like, that's such a beautiful way to start. Just create your day. I love that. Yeah.

17:45 - 18:22
Speaker 1: Yeah. Right? That's amazing. And I think too, like and I said this before, as a parent, you got and I was terrible sometimes for this is check my ego because I felt like when I was parenting, I was very hard. I was very disciplined with my parenting. I was not loosey-goosey. I used to say to them all the time, I have enough friends. I don't need 2 more. Like it's not my job to make you like me. And our relationship as they got old, like they see, and they do see, I promise, It ends beautifully. But

18:22 - 19:00
Speaker 1: it's checking my ego because I used to think that I had to have all the answers. When they were asking questions, I felt like, oh, I'm the mom. Like if I didn't have Google, I'm going to make this shit up. I have to have some answers. Yeah, and and I feel like If I could reverse time there would be so much more Honest conversation around. Oh, yeah. You know what? I have no idea. Let's look into that. Let's call somebody. Let's talk to somebody. I truly have no idea. That even gives me relief to say now

19:01 - 19:41
Speaker 1: instead of the pressure of I had to be the encyclopedia of all information. Yeah, the ability to say, and it gives them permission as well to say, I don't know. It's okay not to know. I think I really grasped that concept. When I was going through my divorce, my children were older, so I got divorced, we were married a little over 20 years, my kids were 16 and 15 at the time. And I can remember speaking to a friend of mine and saying I was so exhausted trying to hold it together 24 hours a day. And

19:41 - 20:20
Speaker 1: my friend said to me, why do your kids have to think that you should naturally be able to handle this. This is not something we're equipped to just handle without it being painful, without it making us cry, without it making us not know what to do next and I really found that I had no choice. If I was going to survive, I had to let my guard down a little bit and really show them it's okay to not know what happens next. It's okay to not know what we're going to do next and let's take the

20:20 - 20:56
Speaker 1: journey together and when we make mistakes, which we will, we can have the level of confidence and self-awareness in ourselves to know we can pivot, we can change direction, it will be okay. It doesn't have to be okay on the first try. Nicole And then they don't have to hold it together thinking I don't want to make mom cry. I don't want to make dad cry or upset or whatever. I am divorced as well, married about the same amount of time. My kids are, I'm going to say going into grade 8 and then going into grade

20:56 - 21:32
Speaker 1: 9 or 10. So it was similar. And it was, yeah, like there's so many things I would do differently. But yeah, I think trying to hold it, you're right, trying to hold it together, I'm thinking I'm doing it for them and I'm not doing it for them because they need to be able to come home and say, what the hell? Like, why did you do that? Or what, you know, and then you're in, and we can even talk about this, whether you're divorced or not, when you're trying to parent in your authentic self and saying no

21:32 - 22:07
Speaker 1: to something because of your values, your morals, and you're up against other parents, so you're up against an ex who's doing something differently. And you know what? I'll tell you something. I thought about this as we were just talking. I never allowed my kids to have a TV in their room when we were married. Never. Nope. You want to have family TV, we have family TV time. Never had a screen in their room. And then when we split up and I moved to a different house, I felt bad that they were upset and I felt like

22:07 - 22:42
Speaker 1: maybe they needed their own space and they just didn't want to hang out with me all the time and I got them a TV for each of their rooms, actually my parents did, which was great, their grandparents. My ex said to me, what the hell? We've never allowed, and he was, and I was, I always thought I was so like, up on my, like this has to happen, this has to happen, and very, and I was like, oh my god, I need to check myself and loosen up on my values because this has happened. So that's,

22:42 - 23:15
Speaker 1: yeah, so I think that's a really important thing. You know, how do we... How do I navigate this down to 1 question? How do we deal with the guilt period of saying no to our teens when we're working with our values, our morals, and you know, and my mom would just say, well if everyone got to jump off the bridge you could jump off the bridge that was her explanation to everything. I don't want to say that so what can we do what can we say oh my goodness so yeah that's that's a total shift then

23:15 - 23:59
Speaker 1: into our own self-care right Because it's so hard to be a parent when conditions are ideal. Never mind when conditions are just sideways and shitty and everything's hitting the fan. What do we do? And we checking our ego the way you just said, and allowing ourselves to be honest and take ownership for our part in what is going on, to me, is 1 of the most freeing things that we can do for ourselves. When we, because guilt comes from so many different places. Right, and when we're feeling guilty because we're telling our children something that's disappointing

24:00 - 24:32
Speaker 1: to them, that's a very normal, common response. And that type of guilt should be easy for us to navigate because in the bottom of our hearts, we know we're doing the right thing for our children. That's why we're saying what we're saying or imposing a rule that we're imposing. It's for their own benefit and we can usually reconcile it by saying, when they're older, they'll understand. I need to deal with this guilt right now, but I can move past it. The bigger guilty feelings that we have when we're going through things like a divorce or a

24:32 - 25:13
Speaker 1: transition, or maybe you have to uproot your family and move because of a career change or something that's beyond your control, and you have that guilt for how it's affecting your children, Those are the opportunities I think that we have to take ownership of our part in that equation. It's okay to apologize to our children for causing something to happen to them. That's not saying it's our fault. It's not saying we're wrong. It's just taking ownership for our part of the equation. You know, I had conversations with both of my kids about the divorce and our

25:13 - 25:51
Speaker 1: family and apologized to them for my part in it. There's no such thing as a divorce that's 1 person's fault. I don't care who's doing what. Not no such thing is 1 person's fault. So as long as I can be honest and say, I had a hand in this. I'm sorry that there must have been times that I could have made a different choice that led us to the point that we are at now. And all I can do is say, I will try to do better in the next day, in the next moment, the next

25:51 - 26:26
Speaker 1: time, the next chance I have to do better, I'm going to take it and try to do better. And that's really what I've tried to do since that, that my divorce was definitely a huge catalyst in my life and the life of my children as far as our stability, in our financial stability, in our just, our living conditions, everything changed. And all I could do was be responsible for my own part in it and do the best that I could every next moment to be a good example for my children. How can I live my life

26:26 - 27:06
Speaker 1: authentically and honestly and with integrity and be a good example of what a human being does? And that's all I do day to day. And that hopefully has instilled in them not only the idea that they can trust me and they know they're safe with me, but has modeled for them that this is a good way for you to live your own life going forward. So powerful. I love that you said that. I wonder, I would love to take a poll and say how many parents have actually said this to your kids. And there's a way,

27:06 - 27:41
Speaker 1: right? I'm very vague on, and I don't think I ever have when we split up to say anything bad about my ex. I just never did. I saved it for somebody else. But there's a way to say, this is what's happening more as a matter of fact conversation, as opposed to, well, I did this, but he did this, but I did, right? Yes, the blame game doesn't have to be any good. Yeah, but it's powerful to say like that's 2 completely different things. I love that you said that. I feel like that's like the mic drop

27:41 - 28:22
Speaker 1: that we really need to be having those conversations now. So important. Yeah, yeah. And so I know that a lot of parents are saying, like, they get to the kids, kids get to a certain age, and they just stop talking, and they hide in their rooms, and they slam the door, and they do all of these things. How do we reach or I mean, I think we reach them. I don't think we're not reaching them. But I think this is checking the ego again, but how do we just keep at it? Like, what is your advice

28:22 - 28:56
Speaker 1: to parents if they're saying, they never talk to me, slam the door, they're always with their friends, they never want to hang out with me, blah, blah, blah, blah. Every kid, sorry, sorry, not sorry. It's true, It's true. How do we try to just keep that connector going? How do we do that? I think honestly, it is being committed to the results that you want. And when you are really honest about that, what is the result that you want? Do you want your child to thank you for being there or do you just want them to

28:56 - 29:30
Speaker 1: be okay and know? Do you want them to have that in their heart? How much of it needs to be expressed back to you, because not every person is built that way. So it's about really being committed to the end results. And like I said earlier, my children are very different people. My daughter, we joke around, like it takes 5 hours for her to tell me a story that happened in 15 minutes. You know, like she shares every single detail. And my son is much more quiet, much more reserved. I do not modify my behavior with

29:30 - 30:08
Speaker 1: them because of those personality differences. I reach out and attempt to connect with him just as much as I connect with her. Because my goal is just for him to know that I am here, that I love him, that I will always be there for him, that he can speak to me about anything, regardless of how he responds to that. So I am committed to the end result, which is just for him to know he is loved and he is safe and he is surrounded and supported. The end result is not me getting something from that.

30:09 - 30:41
Speaker 1: And I think sometimes, have you heard about, I know I see this posted all the time about children in sports and activities and things, about like the popcorn popping, that every, when you put popcorn in the microwave, all the kernels pop at a different time. They're all under the same condition, they pop at a different time. And our children are very much like that. So I think about that all the time. You don't put the microwave popcorn in the microwave and open the door every 10 seconds to see how they're doing in there. When we do

30:41 - 31:21
Speaker 1: that, nothing happens. It keeps it from actually happening. So As parents, all we can do is keep planting those seeds, keep putting those seeds in there and allowing them to happen on their own time. And knowing that it's okay if we never have that conversation. If your child or the person you're trying to connect with never comes to you and says, I need you to know XYZ or I need to talk to you about this. That doesn't mean you failed at what you're trying to do. The goal was not for them to have to talk to

31:21 - 31:58
Speaker 1: you. The goal was for them to know they can talk to you. Yes, that's so significant. And even, you know, I was doing an interview the other day and I thought, we were talking about even if they don't, like the important thing is they have some 1 caring adult. So even if for whatever reason, they don't feel like they can talk to you, can you say, listen, it might not be me. It might be Auntie Doris, it might be Uncle Bob, it might be, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to me. I won't be offended, I

31:58 - 32:38
Speaker 1: won't be hurt. I just want you to know there's somebody. And again, I think, you know the more we talk about ego the more I feel like oh we've just got it. You might not ever get validation not their job to validate you, you brought them here. Exactly. Exactly. Your choice. Right, you made the choice to renew me. They didn't ask for this. I'm on the planet. That's right. Oh my goodness. Yeah. But it does always come back to the ego over and like everything does. It always comes back to, and the only way to take

32:38 - 33:14
Speaker 1: your ego and leave it at the door is to have a healthy relationship with yourself and to have that healthy level of self-awareness, which as we said, is not fun, it's not easy. We want, it's so natural for us to want everything to be about us. You know, this is why social media is what it is. Like There are people who have built billion dollar businesses off of holding their camera in front of their face. And some people, I feel like you and I are probably similar when it comes to this. We were said before, make

33:14 - 33:55
Speaker 1: a real. It just doesn't always come naturally. Especially at 50 years old, I'm like, make a reel. I don't know, just... I am real. Right. I can also recognize as a business owner, it's the nature of the beast. You have to do what you have to do. I'm just following. However, ego, bringing it back to that, knowing who you really are and being really honest with yourself about the level of importance that you have in the big picture is key. You know, like we're, our job as parents is to help them form their own story. It's

33:55 - 34:26
Speaker 1: not our story. Yes. Oh my gosh. And it's so hard to not make it our story, right? Don't we naturally push them towards things we think they should be doing? And it's not always because it's what's best for them, it's because that's what we want them to be doing. We start when they're babies. Here, take your first soccer clinic. Take your first dance class. My daughter was dancing while she was in a diaper. You know, she didn't ask to go to dancing school So we do we push all these things on them and hopefully some things

34:26 - 35:02
Speaker 1: stick and some things don't and with they experience Wonderful things but it's so important for us to take ourselves out of that equation and sometimes it doesn't happen. I know for myself, I can be really honest, it didn't happen for me until I had no choice, but it was staring me in the face like, what you're doing isn't working, figure your shit out. Sandra Gilbert 100%. Yeah. When it's staring you in the eye, you can't, you just, yeah. So what are some tools? And I say this, you know, even to parents period, It's not that we

35:02 - 35:45
Speaker 1: have to say to our kids, sit beside me and meditate. Sit beside me and read a mindset book. Let's go over here and talk about some mindful practices because they're always watching and I feel like if they're watching and they notice the shift in us, it's like this ripple. It just happens. It changes everybody in your room, everybody in your home. But what can parents do to start? How can they tap into that self-awareness? What can they start doing at home? Sure. Yeah. I think there are real tangible activities you can do with your kids, especially

35:45 - 36:22
Speaker 1: if they're struggling. I think that's part of it is recognizing are you just trying to start the dialogue so that it exists or is there an actual reason for you wanting to start this dialogue? Are you trying to solve an issue that your child's having? So there may be 2 different approaches. 1 thing that I find really, really beneficial, even with the adults that I work with, when we're trying to tap into our self-awareness, That's where all the doubt comes up, right? Because as soon as we start to look inside, we start to doubt what we

36:22 - 36:59
Speaker 1: think about ourselves. So what I like to do is kind of an exercise with people where we're showing them that They are their own proof of concept. So can you sit and talk to your child and have them identify 2 or 3 times where they can show for sure that they were really good at whatever it is they were trying to do. They succeeded in something they were trying to work on. They achieved a goal. And again, those goals can be super tiny. Did they want to go for a walk last weekend and they managed to

36:59 - 37:34
Speaker 1: make the time to do it? Did they want to become captain of the team that they're on and they managed to do that or whatever it looks like, but talk with them about really recognizing the times in their life that they accomplished what they set out to do. Because I don't think they focus on those times enough and they don't see it as achievements because a lot of times it's just what was expected of them and they feel like they're on this like people mover in the airport, right? They're just on that belt going at someone

37:34 - 38:09
Speaker 1: else's pace and they don't see all of those benchmarks that they're hitting because they're not looking at their life through that lens. So helping them to see it is really, really powerful. And you can start off, whether it be accomplishments, if that seems too overwhelming, or you're dealing with a younger child, you can just talk to them about, name 3 things that you like about yourself. Help them come up with those things that they really like about who they are as a person, what kind of friend are they, how would they describe themselves. That's really, really

38:09 - 38:48
Speaker 1: a powerful place to start because all of the work on this journey for them comes from self-awareness, Every single thing, whether you're trying to boost their confidence, you're trying to make them a better friend, make them better communicator, all of it comes from self-awareness. So helping them start that journey and maybe turning it into a practice, right? Maybe then you can build upon that. If you start off having a conversation, what are 3 things you really like about yourself? Then maybe next week you encourage them 2 times that week, start a journal, write down before you

38:48 - 39:24
Speaker 1: go to sleep, what are 2 things that happened to you today that were really positive? Can you form it into a sentence, can you express it back to me? It's helping them tap into expressing their feelings, right? What happened to you today that was great? Can you communicate it well? Yeah, that's so good. And so, yeah, and create your day. I love create your day. I just love that. It's such a great concept. I have to tell you, yeah, and that also comes from, you know, we've talked about checking your ego at the door. So I

39:24 - 40:02
Speaker 1: also, I have a nonprofit, it's called Jenna's Journey, and I founded it in honor of my best friend who passed away in 2020 of brain cancer. Oh, I'm sorry. And she had suffered, thank you very much. And she had suffered for 7 years and when she was passing, we knew that it was the end of her time. And Create Your Day came from conversations with her. She was about to leave her 12-year-old son. And I said, you know what, Jenna, I think we should make some videos where you can tell him what you want for him.

40:02 - 40:33
Speaker 1: Like when you're not here for him to talk to when he's Experiencing his first breakup when he's experiencing Choosing what college to go to what do you want him to know? And that was the first video we made She said I want him to create his day. I want him to think about what he wants his day to look like. And that's where you start. What do you want? And really think about it. You know, like, do you want to be working from 9 to 5? Do you want to be traveling for your job, do you

40:33 - 41:08
Speaker 1: want to be in solitude and isolation or do you want to be around a lot of people, you know, what does your day look like when you imagine it and then let's build it. How do we build that day from there? That's beautiful. And what a story. And it was not, you couldn't do it until the ego had to be gone, right? And at that point, when you're talking about this situation, she and I, there was no ego in those videos, right? It was all about you don't realize how raw things have to get to really

41:09 - 41:51
Speaker 1: hit you in that hard spot, right? And you can't do that when the ego is present and it sometimes unfortunately takes tragic circumstances, that's when you realize oh nothing matters. Nothing that I thought was important matters anymore. Yeah. Yeah. It's so bleating. It's like a curse. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Oh thank you. This conversation has just gone in 8 different directions, but all coming back to you, right? But in... Yeah. This is what parenting is. Like you look at the groups, you look at the coaching, you're like, well, we started here and now we're over

41:51 - 42:29
Speaker 1: here. But I think what sticks in my head is have the conversation with your kids that you are sorry that that situation has come to whatever it's come to and your part in it. And it doesn't... You don't have to start listing what you've done wrong, but you've made decisions or whatever that... I love that. I think that's so powerful. Check your ego And just becoming self-aware and helping our kids find those skills and create your day, it just sounds like such a perfect way to start. Because create your day, create your life, right? Like... Nicole.

42:30 - 42:52
Speaker 1: Exactly. Exactly. Deb. The create your life sounds very overwhelming for me. I'm trying to create this whole new life and I don't even know what next Tuesday looks like. But I can say, okay, I know what I'm going to have for lunch and I think I know what my podcast interview is going to be. And that's what my day is going to look like. And this is what gives me the energy is work like people or you are doing that are getting out there and just helping the world to be a better place. And I love

42:52 - 43:23
Speaker 1: that the whole authentic self really is really resonating with me. I just love, you know, we need to be authentic, And then they will learn what that authenticity means. And, you know, they watch us all the time. Nicole Yeah. Deb And there's just so, you know, there's just so much. It's just so different. It's so different when I hear about, well, back in my day, well, you know what, it's not your day anymore. Nicole Exactly. Deb So go back there. Nicole Yeah. And we have to listen, right? We just have to listen. And we have to

43:23 - 44:00
Speaker 1: listen, even when they're not saying anything. Sometimes those are the most important moments to pay attention. Yeah. You know it's just unconditional conversation. Exactly listening when they're when they're not saying what we want to hear. Yes. Because as a parent, right, isn't it so easy to try to manipulate that situation and be like, oh, no, no, no, no. You're wrong. This is how it's supposed to go. That's not our role. Yeah. Oh, I remember. You don't want to go down that path. I remember. You want validation? Go to Starbucks. Yeah. This has been beautiful. I have

44:00 - 44:31
Speaker 1: a funny feeling this might be another episode because there's so many things that you are an expert in that I would love to share with my audience. So thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I would love to come back and chat more. Excellent, excellent. Thank you for listening to Teen Minds Redefined and thanks for stopping by. Thanks for taking the time and thank you, Jen and Cody, for your beautiful expert advice and sharing your passion with us. My pleasure. Teen Minds Redefined with Cheryl Pankhurst. New episodes out every Wednesday.

44:31 - 44:32
Speaker 1: Thanks for stopping by.