#34 "Breaking Taboos: A Guide to Open Conversations about Sex and Relationships" with Melanie Bonk

Speaker 1: Teen Minds Redefined, you're listening to the podcast with Cheryl Pankhurst.

00:15 - 00:52
Speaker 2: Welcome to another episode of Teen Minds Redefined where we shift and change our perspective on how we're raising our kids and having those really great, strong, close, connected relationships so we can foster these human beings out into the world to be strong and authentic and wonderful. And today I have our guest, so parents keep your pants on. We're diving into some very spicy, maybe a little out of your comfort zone conversation, but necessary. This is not your typical birds and the bees. This is the disclaimer though. So if this is not your jam, we are talking

00:52 - 01:23
Speaker 2: all things sex and teens and what they need to know. So if you have littles listening to now, if it's something you want to come back to and you're great, If it's something you want to talk to and start off the conversation have your teens listen with you Is there's your safe space to start? So welcome Melanie Bonk the fearless advocate for teen sexual health empowerment with Melanie's wisdom and Expertise we are going to tackle all the tough topics sex and teens and what they need to know welcome, Melanie

01:23 - 01:27
Speaker 1: What I am so happy to be here. Thank you for having me

01:27 - 02:02
Speaker 2: This is this is great because you know In you know, I'm participating a lot of these Facebook groups with parenting and teens and this whole sex thing just keeps coming up literally all the time. And so I think, you know, the old days are the old days and this is new, we have new information, we have new technology, we have new access to all of it. And so we want our kids to be informed by us, not by their peers, not by social media. So I think this is a really important conversation. And Melanie, let's just

02:02 - 02:07
Speaker 2: start, Like, how did you get to here? No, I have 1 other question. Is your last name actually Bonk?

02:07 - 02:42
Speaker 1: It is actually Bonk, B-O-N-K. So I am a love, sex, and relationship coach. I am here to help you Bonk better. Ha ha ha. Ah, so nice. Yes, my last name is Bonk, and I was born on Valentine's Day. Like I was destined to do this type of work. So like I said, I am a love sex relationship coach. I work with couples. I help them really start to rewrite and recreate what their love sex life looks like. I do that by teaching them soulful communication skills, learning how to really hold space, hold space with your

02:42 - 03:13
Speaker 1: whole body, hold space in a zone where you're not going to judge you're not going to should you're not going to try to fix your partner you're just going to listen. And I also help them with emotional intelligence, you know, this a lot of our conversations today are going to require a lot of emotional intelligence to be able to hold space for even talking about sex with your kiddos. So really upleveling emotional intelligence together and then I guide couples in a rediscovering what sex means to them, rewriting their own roles getting sex out of a teeny

03:13 - 03:51
Speaker 1: tiny little box and expanding it to full body a full spiritual act that you can create every day in your life if you wanted to. So I began this work about 5 years ago. And it was beautiful work, but I have kids and I've been talking to them about sex for their whole entire lives. So I'm a mother of 4. I've got 3 out of 4 are teenage years, my youngest is 11. So he's almost there. And my oldest just turned 17 yesterday. So happy birthday to him. And yeah, so we've created this environment where sex,

03:51 - 04:23
Speaker 1: your body, pleasure has been a beautiful part of life. And there's no shame in any of that type of game. So I guess for me personally we started kind of when the kids were little and they would you know how babies are and they immediately gravitate towards their genitalia like when they're changing their diapers. I wasn't even conscious of the fact that I was doing it, but when they would do that and they would start playing with themselves, I would just look at them and with a smile on my face, I would say that feels so

04:23 - 04:55
Speaker 1: good doesn't it darling like I would never take their hand away and I just unconsciously was conscious about how I spoke to them about their body and touching their body. So we've got these kids now who are growing up and having these very real life conversations, very real adulting yet in a teenage body. So that's when I think these conversations become so powerful and they've got this like potent energy that just can't be ignored.

04:55 - 05:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna say, first of all, it's never too late to serve these conversations. Never, never, never. And I'm also going to say, if there's some trauma in a parent's world around this, please feel free to think that maybe you can get a different trusted adult to have these conversations. I just want to really respect that sometimes these conversations, even though they're touchy topics and hard to talk about, sometimes there's some very serious internal trauma that that would really trigger somebody. So this is not an expectation of every parent to have this conversation. But

05:38 - 05:54
Speaker 2: having said that, our teens need to have this information. So however you can get it to them via some trusted adults because they will look for it. And we want them to get the right information in a safe environment. Right?

05:55 - 06:27
Speaker 1: Yep, absolutely. So yeah, creating that safe, creating that safe environment. And when no matter when you're starting out, if your kiddo comes to you with a question, which is a beautiful like moment, you know, it does happen every now and then I've got 1 of the kids and they'll just say, you know, when we're just alone, the 2 of us, Hey, mom, and I'm like, Okay, you know, you kind of, you know that like, cute when they come in. And I got this piece of advice from another motherly figure in my life. And I think a

06:27 - 06:41
Speaker 1: beautiful way to answer questions for kiddos is answering a question truthfully and honestly, but at answering the bare bones of what they are actually asking. So if they're asking a question, you

06:41 - 06:41
Speaker 2: don't need

06:41 - 07:15
Speaker 1: to go in and add a bunch of other information, literally just ask answer in the most simple way you can come up with a truthful answer. And then usually that's enough to kind of like let them digest with that. Then they're going to break that apart in their psyche and then they'll come up with more questions. So it's also a way to kind of really give them really impactful, truthful statements that are simple, clear, and right to the point. And I think that that lands so much better with them and then you're empowering them with the

07:15 - 07:16
Speaker 1: truth.

07:16 - 07:56
Speaker 2: That's such a great idea. I would never even thought of that because as parents, especially if we get into this more difficult conversations, we tend to like add subtitles and headings and different things and a little more context and just in case and whatever. And you're right. Like I asked a question, answer the question, and then it doesn't get combobulated with all this other input that they don't need. So that's a really good point, really good point. Okay, so I'm diving into teens. Primary resources can be the internet, social media, and, and porn. So where do

07:56 - 08:00
Speaker 2: you want to start? Because I think these are really important to talk about.

08:00 - 08:34
Speaker 1: Yeah, I absolutely agree with you. Having a conversation, and it's multiple conversations, it's never just 1 conversation, especially about porn, it's key. And it's key no matter what your child is, who they identify as. There are plenty of studies that show that that female and non-binary folks are going in and searching it just as much as boys are. So if you think that just because you have a daughter this isn't a conversation you need to be having, I would go ahead and re reorientate yourself with the fact that kiddos are all all going online. And then

08:34 - 09:12
Speaker 1: I always come back, it's a 57 to $100 billion industry porn. And internet alone is just a $3 billion, billion dollar industry a year, and they want to get the kids in young. They want to get them in and get them addicted to it so they have a repeat customer. So when you start to create this conversation with your children or child, having some stats in your back, having so like, it's not just mom or dad having this conversation with the child, you know, like, this is my opinion. When you provide them with that kind of

09:12 - 09:45
Speaker 1: information, like this is an actual big industry that wants to get their claws in you. And here's why they're making billions of dollars a year. I find that that always helped out because that's not mom or dad's opinion. It's actual science. I always go in and I have As much as I don't like to have my phone or you know anything around and I have these conversations I do usually I look up an article or I find something with some more supportive data So you can say you know and actually in this study You know like

09:45 - 10:10
Speaker 1: I'd have 1 right here in 2023 a study found that 42% of kids and 17 were reported looking at porn and sex is the number 1 word searched in Google and all of the search engines. So having again, having that behind your back so you can you can literally just read off the study you can find the highlights of something and so your kid is actually getting an education not just getting your opinion

10:10 - 10:12
Speaker 2: yeah I think

10:12 - 10:51
Speaker 1: that's really big yeah and then and then going into and then here's the impact. Here's how it'll impact your life. You know, your brain is taking in all of these simulations that activate all 5 of your senses. So when you're young and your brain isn't fully developed in your viewing form, It actually starts to create different neural networks, different sexual responses. And it will lead to really setting yourself up for failure and, and getting a skewed view on love on relationship on sex on using people. So those are a side effects that you know, are think

10:51 - 11:15
Speaker 1: are really big side effects that kids can understand. So if you give them that that information that your brain isn't developed for this, and this is the same thing I say to my kids about drugs, your brain isn't done developing until 22, 23. So I want you to wait to experiment in a safe way until that age. And then they're kind of they get that that let's think in a little bit deeper than just don't do this because I don't want you to.

11:16 - 11:18
Speaker 2: Yeah. And it doesn't make it sound like taboo.

11:18 - 11:19
Speaker 1: Yeah.

11:19 - 11:22
Speaker 2: Right. Yeah, I think that's I think that's good. So

11:24 - 11:53
Speaker 1: and then I also take it sorry to interrupt but I also take it and they say, listen, I've done it. I've searched porn. I mean, I it's easy to do. So when you also take some of the shame out of it, that that really relates to them. And this is, and this is what I noticed in my body when I do it. I noticed that my sexual responses are different. I noticed that, that there does become an appetite to see it more because that's how it's meant to be. That's how our brain is meant to be

11:53 - 12:12
Speaker 1: receiving this stimuli. And then it's always craving more and more and more. So when you're so brutally honest, It gives your kid that empowerment and that actual truth to know that they're not alone. I know as an adult, I know how powerful that feels.

12:12 - 12:53
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was actually reading, I think in 1 of the groups today where a parent has found the kid's phone and he's like 14 and just looking at all kinds of different types of porn and was very like beside herself about him researching in incest porn. And I wonder if that's more of a curiosity at that age as opposed to, oh, I know what this is. So this is what I'm looking at. And, you know, to give a little bit of grace to that type of conversation as well, like if we're always coming at these conversations

12:54 - 13:19
Speaker 2: with love and grace and space and no judgment, right? Because I think as soon as we start doing that, right, Like, like, okay, let's talk about the conversations we're, we're having besides just porn. Like, you know, I, I remember when it was the talk, as in 1 time, I got to get it over with. This is this, this is this, this is this, and mommy, daddy love each other and we're done.

13:19 - 13:20
Speaker 1: That's my

13:20 - 13:33
Speaker 2: job is finished. So that was probably 30 years ago. But talk to us about having those conversations now. What ages are we starting on what and what, how, how do we level up in these conversations?

13:33 - 14:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, and just the way you question that was perfect. We're starting at all ages, every age, and you're really pinpointing the appropriateness based on the kiddos age. So like there's things that I'll say to my 11 year old and obviously I'm gonna skew that conversation with my 15 year old, there's going to be could be the same topic but totally different context when it comes to the topics. So I have a conversation as often as I can. I tend to do it every time with 4 kids. There's very rarely ever a moment when you have one-on-one

14:07 - 14:37
Speaker 1: time. So when I grab that one-on-one time, when it just happens to be we're driving to the dentist, you know, we're walking down the street and there's just 2 of us. I do those check-ins every single time we're together. And it doesn't need to be super involved. And actually the more you do it, the less awkward it gets and the kind of even quicker roundabout way it gets finished, you know, if you're really apprehensive about it. So it can be, I check in and I say, How are you doing? And then you're going to get the

14:37 - 15:05
Speaker 1: good. I'm fine. Good. Fine. And then I dig in more. I never accept that first answer. And I just have to keep digging coming up with curious questions to get them to get that spark because the teenagers they are never going to want to like give you give you some of that juicy stuff right away. So I check in and how are you feeling? How are you feeling in your body with school? Do you have you know, are you feeling really pressured? You know, I can point and kind of really want to get that like, almost

15:05 - 15:38
Speaker 1: like total check in with them. And then after I asked them about their emotional body, I asked them about physical body. How are you doing? Are you are you treating yourself well is 1 question I say, which to them, they know that I'm gonna go ahead and go down the masturbation route. Yeah, so are you treating yourself well? Are you, you know, even questions like, are you drinking enough water during the day? Are you getting enough food? Are you enjoying your masturbation? Are you enjoying your pleasure practices? I get what I usually call it. And then

15:38 - 16:09
Speaker 1: I say, almost every time I check in with these, you know, yes, I'm fine, or they're comfortable enough, enough now where they'll say, yeah, but I really need a new thing, a lube. Can you grab me a new a new lube jar? And I'm like, Yeah, that's fine. That's great. And then I, for the older kids that are definitely involved more with their self pleasure, I, I educate them on the potential and the beauty and self pleasure. So III open up the conversations and I say, do you know, you can make it, you know, kind of

16:09 - 16:46
Speaker 1: fast and maintenance, whatever you need to, but at least once a week, I would love it if you would dive into a sacred practice where you're really looking at yourself in the mirror, you're loving yourself. I add some of my tantra teachings in there and I say, you know, looking in the mirror when you love yourself, realize and understand that you're the only 1 that can show up for you unconditionally. You're the only 1 that will love you unconditionally because everyone else around your world should have boundaries and should have conditions, including your romantic partners. So

16:47 - 17:15
Speaker 1: really taking it at least once a week where you're going to nourish yourself, where you're going to spend some time giving your whole body pleasure. And I teaching them also that it's a whole body experience, not just the genitalia. So, I mean, I understand that some of these concepts could be foreign as an adult. And many, many of my clients come to me are adults and that's not that is foreign. And so if it feels foreign for you to be having these conversations, you can always help it to be like, you know, I heard a lady

17:15 - 17:34
Speaker 1: on a podcast and this is the kind of open my eyes and you can use any kind of thing as a reference and be like, I'm curious about that. What do you think about that? So really adding just the ultimate layer of trust and curiosity that they can handle these adult things as they move into adulthood.

17:35 - 17:43
Speaker 2: And I have to say, you know, because of what you do and who you are and, and your kids are used to this environment.

17:44 - 17:44
Speaker 1: So now

17:44 - 18:15
Speaker 2: I've got somebody listening going, are you fricking kidding me? What the hell? I'm not saying masturbation to my kid. Like let's, let's back it up saying, okay, this is the reaction you're getting from mom or dad, or, or you've got kids in the back seat saying, shut up. I am not talking about this with you. How do we navigate ourselves feeling comfortable and, and the comfort and the comfort zone in the back seat is this is, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm even thinking, oh my, okay, now I'm going to start sweating. So

18:17 - 18:54
Speaker 1: yeah, so as, as the adult, as the caregiver, I mean, you are going to be putting yourself in a space where you're gonna test your nervous system. So understanding how to regulate your nervous system, understanding even just controlling your breath. If you're driving, sometimes it's nice to drive with 1 hand and have 1 hand on the heart. Feeling your breath, regulating your core, noticing your feet on the ground, feeling anytime like if I get right up in that brain of mine and I'm not embodied, I start to ground into the ground into my feet, bring that

18:54 - 19:26
Speaker 1: awareness down. And then be honest, say, I know that this conversation is probably making you feel gross. And then it's a beautiful example of how you can teach them how to be embodied, how you can teach them how to be safe in their body. So you can say, I know this conversation is making you feel gross right now. My stomach is hot, tight. My solar plexus feels like it's in a knot and I kind of feel like my throat is tight. How do you feel kiddo? And the kiddos would be like like barf what are we

19:26 - 20:02
Speaker 1: doing? Gross! So then just co-regulating together And then you're also teaching your kiddo and creating this connection with your kiddo that they necessarily shouldn't be getting other places. This should be your opportunity to grow together. And it's 1 of the things that I love saying to my kids is, you know, I know this is the first time you're experiencing this, but this is the first time I am too. Like, this is the first time I'm talking to my teens about sex. So yeah, I love for both of us. And then your kids have this beautiful invitation

20:02 - 20:20
Speaker 1: to see that you're human, to see that you are a living being that reacts. And another thing you can say to is, I'm so icky and nervous about this conversation because I love you so deeply, Because my heart is so full of love for you and this is really important stuff that we need to do.

20:21 - 20:51
Speaker 2: So good. So good. So can we talk about like that navigating this balance between respecting a teen's privacy regarding their sexual health and what they're doing and what resources they're accessing. Like how do we, we have to, I think, establish some kind of a privacy line and how do we do that and still have these really good conversations?

20:53 - 21:27
Speaker 1: You know, I think it's open conversations often, often, often. When my eldest first got into a pretty serious relationship, it was learning for both of us. And again, I came out and said that. And they were, both him and his partner came to me, I think about 6 or 7 months into their dating, And they said, you know, we would like to have a conversation with you. And so right away, of course, I was like, my stomach, my stomach turned. I got all iffy. I immediately started back sweating. I was just like, oh, boy, here we

21:27 - 21:52
Speaker 1: go. Here we go. So I immediately grounded. I came into my feet and they're like, you know, you're so psych positive, but you kind of give us shame. Like you'll walk around the corner and we'll be making out and you say, you know, you'd be like, you call us out for making out and, and we see you and dad making out in the kitchen. So we're just doing what you guys do. And

21:52 - 21:53
Speaker 2: then of course

21:53 - 22:26
Speaker 1: we had to pull it back down again. And then I'm like, yeah, that's a really good point in my head. I'm like, shit, That's a really good point. I mean, they're so right. I can't. So it was the same conversation where I'm like, I'm going to need a moment to think about how to respond to what you guys are saying, because I feel it's really valid. And then I also grew up in a household that was not like this. I grew up in a household where I could not have my romantic partner over. So listen, kids,

22:26 - 22:58
Speaker 1: this is new for me. And so I need to figure out how I want to be because I don't want to make you feel like that. I don't want to make you feel ashamed for showing affection in the safety of our home. And I mean, we are growing as adults with these children every day. So that That is definitely 1 and just being so honest and then really understanding that emotional intelligence of I actually might need a space in a moment before I can answer this question and I would love to come back to you because

22:58 - 23:06
Speaker 1: I'm dysregulated and I'll never be speaking from my heart in that situation. I'll be speaking from my brain or what I should and the judgments and the...

23:09 - 23:37
Speaker 2: Okay, so now I'm really interested in conversations around the relationship part of it. And, you know, when's too young, when's not too young? Well, she's 13, well, she's 16, well, she's 18. And do we lay down these kind of, well, guidelines in the progression of a relationship for kids? Talk to me about all of that.

23:37 - 24:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's definitely a progression. My 17-year-old and his partner have, obviously, a little bit more freedom than my 14-year-old, who is going to turn 15 next month. He had a girlfriend. So all of a sudden there were 2 girls in the house. And for me as a mother of all boys, that was a lot of female energy in my space. So even just understanding the changes of dynamic, if you're going to have, you know, partners over in your home, if it's going to be a welcome environment. That first time there was lots of other female energy,

24:12 - 24:44
Speaker 1: kind of like this alpha lion came out in me and I was like, who are these girls and why are they in my space? Ah! That was quite interesting, actually. So I had to, again, step into my own space. I had to collect, OK, what's the environment I want to create for my kids. They're only here now for another year or 2. Do I want them to be going away all the time from our house to be with their romantic partner, which is what I did as a teenager?

24:44 - 24:45
Speaker 2: Or do I

24:45 - 25:20
Speaker 1: want them to have a safe space and be in the home. So then, so then it does like you're right, there's a progression. So the 14 year old who had a girlfriend for just a little while, they could, they could go downstairs and watch movies with doors open and, and other people around where the 17 year old, he's got the consent to go downstairs with a girlfriend and shut the door and have privacy in their bedroom or in his bedroom. So there's definitely a progression and it's Each step of that ladder has beautiful teaching moments, has

25:20 - 25:28
Speaker 1: beautiful expansion for you and your kid and has the gut wrenching grossness of the fact that your kid is making out with another person.

25:31 - 25:47
Speaker 2: Okay, so let's talk birth control then like, yeah, when are you having these conversations and yeah, yeah, safe, safe, healthy relationships and birth control and those sorts of things that we need to bring to the table.

25:48 - 26:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you know, birth control is a topic that has so much controversy in it. Almost in a way you feel helpless sometimes as a boy mom, like I did. But for actually, for me, I started bringing in, and I knew I was gonna do this at some point, jars of condoms and put them in the bathroom when his friends became sexually active. So I have such open conversations with my kids all the time that I can ask them like, Hey, is so and so has been with this girl for a while. Are they starting to

26:23 - 26:58
Speaker 1: get sexually active? And my kid will say, yeah, they're, they're getting pretty close. So then that's a cue for me to even kind of, and this could probably set up all kinds of debates but it's an open jar for anybody who walks into my house you can walk out with condoms because maybe you don't have that safety at home so they could be controversial but yet if a kid is taking some and they're already sexually active and they're not using anything. To me, that's a victory for their young spirit. And then for for the situation so

26:58 - 27:33
Speaker 1: far that I've been in where we've only had 1, you know, relationship where this has come up. I had the jar of condoms, we were talking about that. At this point, my kid was saying, we think we want to go on some kind of birth control, we're getting close to being sexually active all the way. And sexually active is big category, which could take a whole nother podcast to probably talk about. But we're, you know, we, we're wanting to go explore options. So what do you think, which was a beautiful invitation, again, for me to kind

27:33 - 28:09
Speaker 1: of give my opinion. And then they came back and we had a second conversation and they wanted to make an appointment for her to get birth control. But she wasn't open yet to talking about this with her mother. And so for me, that was a huge red flag. So I said, listen, all right, here's the conversation. If she's not ready to talk to her mom about being sexually active, then I don't think she's ready to be sexually active. So this is- good point. Yeah. That was a hard 1. Yeah. And again, that took some like reflection.

28:09 - 28:40
Speaker 1: I just couldn't answer that right away because I had to really think and process through like what do I what can I possibly want for these kids? What would I want if I was her mom? What would I want as a mother to him? So they are so weighted these conversations and so many options you could go with, but keeping the fact keeping it so no one's ever in shame. There was no like you're too young I I trust I trusted them and their ability to communicate and their respect that they have in their partnership I

28:40 - 29:15
Speaker 1: mean you can see that they're a mad head over heels in love and then I had to be like Do I really want my do I really want my kid to be sexually active like, you know, that's gross. But then I kind of went through this checklist. Well, is is it a respectful relationship? Is there consent? Absolutely consent both ways. Yes. Are they from what they understand in love very deeply? Yes. Is it you know, are they are they being so safe? And is it like I said, a bubble in a container of a healthy relationship?

29:15 - 29:53
Speaker 1: And it was yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So then who am I to tell them what they can and can't do with their bodies? When you look at them, their bodies are progressed through puberty and they're saying it's time to have babies. And that's another conversation I have with them is like, right around the part when the puberty age when they're really almost fully developed. I have had this conversation with each of my children, I say, so your body right now is telling you that you're ready to have babies. You're ready to be a parent. You

29:53 - 30:30
Speaker 1: can biologically create and maintain a pregnancy and a delivery. And 2000 years ago, that's probably what you would be doing. But we've evolved as people, our society has evolved past that. So do you think you're ready to be a parent and have a baby? And like the 14-year-old's face is like, Oh my God, no, not even close. So it's also being so honest about the hormones that are raging through their body of being so honest about all those changes. And then without shame, because it's just a beautiful part of being human.

30:30 - 31:09
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I love that you, you have your moral values, your moral grounds, but you did not impede on somebody else's parenting, which I think is so important because I think this conversation is going to have people going back and forth and back and forth and oh my god and I can't believe she said that but maybe I should though. So before I want to ask this, you know parents, kids are like looking at the media for and social media and internet for all different kinds of informations. Are we having any different conversation? And I'm not

31:10 - 31:27
Speaker 2: segregating, but are we have any additional supports in the LGBTQ plus sexuality identity? Like are there other things we need to be saying, holding space for when it comes to supporting our kids in the community?

31:28 - 32:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think so. I think having having the conversations often, and again, without I know it's so hard to just say shame but to remove any kind of shame. And to have that open conversation with your kiddo if they're expressing interest or if they're having desires that are outside of the little bubble that you know of what we were raised with. I mean, really, we were raised with like 2 or 3 options. And saying that saying like, oh, you're interested in this. So am I, let's learn together. And then you can become this secure, you can

32:07 - 32:45
Speaker 1: become these explorers together of our human anatomy of our wants our desires. So I think I think if you just go about any kind of these conversations, and I, I have always said to, you know, there's certain points where I would say, oh, is there any interest in a girl or a boy or any human? I mean, I give all the options all the time. At every stage, no matter how old they are, I say the same thing. And I also, I've got a book, I'm blanking on it for a second, because I'm thinking about what

32:45 - 33:21
Speaker 1: the quote is. The quote is, we're all made of the same parts, just organized differently. And so that's Emily Nagowski and come as you are. And so I use that so many times. We are all made out of the same parts, just organized differently. And I've even showed them like a little gif of the female anatomy transforming into the male anatomy, transforming back into the female anatomy. I'm like, look, we're all, it's all the same ingredients. It's like we're all made of the same pizza, just pepperonis are in different places. Yeah, yeah. So does it really

33:21 - 33:23
Speaker 1: matter what the label is?

33:23 - 33:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I was, I actually had a podcast guest on a little while ago and I think It was Jennifer Boudre who said when your kid, no matter what age they are, when your kid comes to you and says, this is what I'm feeling, believe that's their truth at that time. And it may change and it may not change, but to kind of go into this, you'll grow out of it or it's a phase or you just watched it on TV or this is your friend or social media. No, we're just stopping the conversation as that's

33:59 - 34:00
Speaker 2: your truth. And

34:00 - 34:01
Speaker 1: I support

34:01 - 34:36
Speaker 2: your truth at that moment, because that I think opens so many doors and so many hearts. So we have all of this information. We have all these conversations. What I think is really important to say is, no, it might not be comfortable. It might make you feel disgusting. It might make you nervous. What makes you want to drink? I don't know. I would think maybe that would be me. But What's the alternative, Melanie? What happens when we don't have these conversations with the kids? What are we looking at?

34:36 - 35:11
Speaker 1: Then we're looking at they go to the internet, they go to friends, they, they go to porn, you know, they get curious about porn. And once they get into porn, then you're creating all those neural networks of unrealistic expectations of anxiety increases depression increases how you look at people in general. So even think about the heart space. I mean, this isn't an if you just reframe it to I have to have that conversation with my kid to, I get to connect and be curious with this human that is my child.

35:13 - 35:26
Speaker 2: Love it, love it. So I'm gonna ask 1 more question because it just popped into my head. When we're talking about porn, what are the signs when our kid is addicted to porn and what do we do? Where do we go?

35:28 - 36:02
Speaker 1: Well, I'm going to say the same signs as when it is an adult, an adult thinks it's a porn, and that is it's getting in the way of regular behavior. It's it's interrupting regular relationships. So if you're down in your bedroom watching porn for hours, and you're not interacting with other humans. Those are all red flags that there's porn addiction. You know, I do, even though I have all these conversations, I do do it. I do do a check. I will pick up their phones and I will look at their search history. I don't do it,

36:02 - 36:22
Speaker 1: I probably do it once a month per kid. But I consider that my responsibility. I'm paying for the service, I'm paying for the internet. This is, if you have a child that won't let you look at their phone, that is they are crossing a boundary that you need to work on your boundary skills, in my opinion.

36:23 - 36:27
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I want to stay for that for a minute. Yes, okay.

36:28 - 36:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, so it is your job also to be that vigilante parent because if you don't know it's happening, then that's some of that responsibility does fall back on the parents. And then you need and then you need to educate yourself, then you need to create these conversations, create these moments.

36:46 - 37:20
Speaker 2: And if you're a parent, I'm just throwing this out there. If you're a parent that's never watched porn and you're suspect of this, then watch it because what you're, what you are going to see is your kid's vision of what sex is supposed to be. And it can be angry and it can be something that you know to each his own but if that's the only thing they're seeing and you're not talking about it that's what they're picturing and there's trauma there. So

37:21 - 37:55
Speaker 1: yeah and I just want to piggyback off of that for a second. Notice in your body how you are being an example of a sexually thriving parent, whether that's a solo play and being open and honest about it or whether that's partner play or whatever kind of play. So if you are showing no romantic connection with your partner in front of your kids and you're like, that's not appropriate, That should be behind closed doors. How are they supposed to learn that? Then they're going to go to other sources. So my big takeaway would be is to

37:55 - 38:14
Speaker 1: be the example of what you want in your kid's life. And if your relationship isn't there, there's people like me out there that can help you with that. And then create those conversations, those open conversations where you can just be open and honest and when you feel icky and sticky, just say you feel icky and sticky.

38:15 - 38:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, And you now have a recording of this. So when it's time, just keep listening, just keep listening, reach out, talk to Melanie, send messages, whatever it is you need to do that we can support you. We will. Melanie, how do we work with you? Where do we find you? How can we support? This is such good work. And I start this podcast 6 months ago. And as I do every single episode, it's all about, if we want a really strong relationship with our kid, we want them to be who they are and get out into

38:49 - 39:08
Speaker 2: the world as who they are and love themselves, then it mostly starts with us and that includes this conversation. So this is us getting over that so we can see this. Like I just I really love this work. I'm so glad we connected. I really am grateful for the work you're doing. This is amazing.

39:09 - 39:44
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Yeah, please, if I would love to be any kind of guide for connecting with your kiddo about this. So if you feel uncomfortable, send me a conversation and we'll talk about it and I can even give you some keys to helping you stay grounded. So you can work with me by going to my website it is Melanie bonk.com and melanie bonk.com. I am at Instagram at bonk better, because I am here to help you bonk better. And if you want to actually go into my website and go to Melanie bonk.com backslash pod

39:44 - 40:15
Speaker 1: pod. I've got a beautiful little 3 podcast experience that is complimentary to your listeners. So if they can enter their email, and for 3 weeks in a row, you will receive some embodiment practices. And these practices may be really juicy to do before you have this conversation. So you can't get embodied, get in a space of love and compassion and then open the conversation up to your kiddo. So that's a beautiful gift that I hope you take advantage of and send your email and get it right there.

40:15 - 40:36
Speaker 2: That's a generous thank you. And I know Melanie, you talked about some books. So we'll put everything in the show notes for links. And once again, you know, I think I think we need to come back to this because I think we're going to get some feedback. And I think there's there might be like we do a Q&A podcast would be awesome. Yeah, Thank you for joining us. Teen Minds Redefined and we'll see you next time.

40:37 - 40:44
Speaker 1: Teen Minds Redefined with Cheryl Pankhurst. New episodes out every Wednesday. Thanks for stopping by.