#36 "The Unexpected Path to Happiness: A Journey Through Divorce and Parenting Teens" with Christy Holt

• Key Takeaways
• Guest Christy Holt shares her mission to spread happiness and joy, focusing on finding happiness during divorce and the challenges of parenting teenagers
• Christy emphasizes the importance of self-discovery and taking back personal power to create a fulfilling life, believing that everyone is already whole and has the power to create the life of their dreams
• She shares her experience of running away from her marriage, realizing the importance of setting healthy boundaries and using her voice
• Emphasizes the importance of self-love and creating happiness from within, regulating the nervous system, and being present to make conscious choices and communicate effectively
• Focus on guiding children to become independent, healthy, and happy adults, operating with love and compassion to maneuver challenges with grace and avoid conflict
• Self-discovery is ongoing and ever-evolving, encouraging exploration, curiosity, and connecting with others for support and community. More resources available at coachchristyholt.com.

ker 1: Teen Minds Redefined, you're listening to the podcast with Cheryl Pankhurst. Welcome to another episode of Teen Minds Redefined, where we strive to redefine our relationships with our teens and find a relationship with ourselves and allow them to see us looking after ourselves, which allows them to look after themselves. And then we're fostering these beautiful humans out into the world. And today we have a beautiful guest, Christy Holt. The happiness has see herself with the contagious zest for life and unwavering commitment to spreading joy. Christy is not your typical mentor. As an adventure guide, podcoast host and

00:50 - 01:05
Speaker 1: international bestselling author, she's on a mission to revolutionize the way we approach happiness and fulfillment. And I think in every area of our life, by the sounds of that. Welcome, Christy. Nice to have you. Thank you so much for having me. Absolutely.

01:06 - 01:39
Speaker 2: As the world's, I believe, 1 and only happiness hussy, I truly am on a mission to spread happiness around the world. What I know for sure is that happy people spread love and joy and uplift other people. And so that comes from within and building that, that strong relationship with ourselves first is the catalyst to spreading happiness around the world. So that is the mission that I'm on. You know, that is the purpose of my podcast and my books and my courses and my mentorship is really all, you know, to create more happiness in this world,

01:39 - 01:47
Speaker 2: because we really could use it and it would really, you know, help us in those relationships if we have that solid base of happiness within ourselves.

01:48 - 02:33
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I love it already. And so I'm going to throw out the statistic, 48% is the divorce rate. So looking at an audience who are parenting their teens, it's likely half of them are either uncoupled, working through being uncoupled, divorce, separated, all of the challenges that can come with the end of a relationship. And so I wanted to really focus in on the happiness and how we can, I don't even know, do we find the happiness because we're looking for it or is it like buried there somewhere and we need to be able to dig

02:33 - 03:08
Speaker 1: it out? So let's talk about going through divorce and the challenges for parenting teenagers. And I say teenagers because I, while I had the little kids of my own, I taught and worked with teenagers for 20 years and love and I know it's a whole different entity working with teenagers and parenting teenagers. It's almost like multiple personality. They're 12 And then who the hell are you and where did you come from? Why don't you talk to me anymore? Why can't you get in the car and I can't drive all of the things. So I think it's

03:08 - 03:46
Speaker 1: a completely different thing. So let's talk about like, do you have experience with divorce? What's your story with divorce and how you feeling about finding that happiness? Well, I am going to definitely answer your question about finding happiness, but first, let me share a little bit of my story so you can understand the lens from which I'm sharing my perspectives. So I am a twice divorced, yet blissfully currently partnered human. And I am a whole human who has experienced all kinds of experiences in my life.

03:46 - 04:22
Speaker 2: I do believe that we are here to create experiences. And so I'm not going to share too much about my first divorce. It was when I was young, turns out that my first husband was gay. And so that's a whole story that we'll skip that 1. I didn't have children It was actually probably fairly easy for easy You know what? I mean easy quote unquote easy for me to to move on from Because the truth was there was nothing that I could have done. It wasn't about me. It was about him expressing his authenticity. So fast

04:22 - 04:57
Speaker 2: forward from that, I got married again. I had 3 children, which are now teenage boys. They are 14, 16, and 17 as we're recording. And somewhere very shortly after my ex-husband and I started having kids, things went off the rails. And it continued because of course, so many times we think, well, you know, it's just a stressful time and I justified a lot of things. And there was a lot going on where I wasn't truly connected with myself. I really had got sucked into what I call just a momitis, which is to say I lost track

04:57 - 05:29
Speaker 2: of who I was. I was really focused on my role as a mother and as a wife and as a homemaker. And I felt kind of empty. I felt really unfulfilled. Like that wasn't all I was here to do was just to serve everyone else and put myself last. And so As my kids began, you know, full time school, I had a little bit more space to start exploring, I guess, a little bit more about what am I going to do with, you know, this new phone time, which isn't that much because honestly, they're at school

05:29 - 06:01
Speaker 2: for like, maybe 6 hours and it's like with the driving anyway, I digress. I became a health coach because I had this time and I had a passion for fitness and helping people to feel really good in their bodies. This has really evolved over the last 9 or so years. It took me through my second divorce with my kid's dad, through a really difficult time and into the pandemic where things shifted again. So I'm going to take you a little couple of stops on the journey, if you will, to create the whole picture. About a few

06:01 - 06:39
Speaker 2: years into my work as a health coach, which my ex actually was just speaking about this this morning, viewed as not a real job, I really started to expand into more mindset work and to really, you know, just explore and discover who I was and how I could continue to grow and evolve as a human. And prior to this, I was sort of waking up anxious a lot. I was feeling really overwhelmed a lot. I had a to-do list from here until Sunday. I was like to say shoulding all over myself and trying to keep up

06:39 - 07:23
Speaker 2: expectations and appearances and keep everyone around me happy. I had been operating with perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies. Boundaries were weak. And I was suffering. I was not happy. I didn't know where to go from there. And until I sort of hit this place like this is, this is not what I want for myself. I, until then I had been pointing fingers. I was, you know, I was blaming my ex husband. I was complaining about what he did again. I was literally finding fault in everything and every circumstance and everyone but myself. And this is such an

07:23 - 07:59
Speaker 2: easy trap to get in because we, first of all, we literally can't see ourselves without a mirror. So there is that. It's hard to observe ourselves. And in many ways, our brain is wired to protect us and keep us safe. And so it will actually obscure us from seeing things that won't keep us safe. And so in many ways, relationships and experiences around us, and in many ways, I mean, all the ways, they mirror their reflection back to us of what's truly going on inside. Because we really don't have any experiences that don't go through our

07:59 - 08:38
Speaker 2: personal lens, right? That aren't affected by our, our mindsets, our past experiences and memories, our emotions and our thoughts all curate our version of what we're considering to be quote unquote reality, right? Could be very different from the person sitting right next to us. So as I was so focused on all of the things around me, I was missing the key catalyst to changing and shifting the things around me, which was me. And So I had this sort of like, holy shit, aha moment where I realized I'm the common denominator. You know, I was like, oh,

08:38 - 09:00
Speaker 2: dang, like, you know, I often say like channeling Taylor Swift. Hi, I'm the problem. It's me. Because that was that moment. I was like, Oh, yeah, no, I'm literally involved in every single 1 of my problems, which actually, once I had a moment to get over that, and I didn't guilt trip myself and make myself feel bad about that, because that's really unproductive.

09:01 - 09:02
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. I

09:02 - 09:33
Speaker 2: realized I'm actually also the solution. I'm the 1 who has the power to shift every last 1 of these things if I take my own power back, which I actually see this now is like not taking it back, but remembering and standing in my power. We can't actually give it away. That's the conclusion that we can give it away. But I stepped back into my power and I started figuring out who I was so that I could start creating the life that I truly wanted. And at 1 point I created this amazing list of what a

09:33 - 10:15
Speaker 2: healthy, happy, loving relationship would look like for me because we often go about life trying to chase what everyone else thinks is or happiness or joy or peace or a good relationship, whatever that is, we look outside of ourselves to define it. And then wonder why, even though we freaking have it, we feel like there's something still missing. And what's actually missing is you recognizing your own wholeness and seeking outside of yourself. It's this idea that there's something missing or broken that needs fixing or healing. And it's an illusion. It's not the truth because you're already

10:15 - 10:54
Speaker 2: whole. You already have everything that you need to create the life of your dreams. So operating from this place of wholeness, I take a different approach to what other people consider healing. And because I don't believe that anyone is broken and requires fixing or that we are all meant to endure a lifetime of painful healing. I actually like to start with the end in mind and remembering that we're already whole and then we're precisely gifted every single thing that we need to create what's exactly perfect for us. Not perfect by, again, someone else's standards, but for

10:54 - 11:26
Speaker 2: us, what is authentically aligned and feels like really fucking good because that is what we are meant to create. And so to circle back to your question before I continue on about how I moved through this divorce, we don't find happiness. It's not out there. It's not hide and seek, right? And a lot of us are treating it like it is hide and seek. And we're like searching after the next thing or chasing happiness or chasing perfection, chasing these things outside of ourselves. And the truth is that has you looking in all the wrong places because

11:26 - 12:01
Speaker 2: happy isn't meant to be a temporary fleeting feeling just for a moment because you have something tangible or an experience for a moment. Happiness actually comes from within, which is why my podcast is called Create Your Happy. It's really about discovering that happiness is your true nature. It is your intended state of being. And in fact, all that chasing and seeking distracts you from experiencing what is already within you. It's like the blaming and the complaining and the pointing fingers is keeping you distracted from the power that you already have within you. And so shifting your

12:01 - 12:33
Speaker 2: focus inward to figure out who you are and really operate from your power in that place allows you to create the life that feels really good. So back to my list, I created this list of things that I really wanted in a relationship. And I'll tell you what, it was really difficult because from where I was standing, I had a very clear picture of what I did not want. I knew that the relationship that I was in was not working. It didn't feel good. It didn't feel right. It wasn't healthy. And it was not what I

12:33 - 13:05
Speaker 2: wanted myself to be. And I felt stuck. And when I use the word stuck, to me, that's like an indication. Because some people think like, I feel stuck and there's nothing I can do. And I get that feeling. But the stuckness itself is actually an indication that there's a call to more for you, right? You're feeling that stuckness, that tension, because deep down within you, you know there's something better available for you and you're just not yet experiencing it. That's what creates this gap, this incongruence, this feeling of stuckness. And so it's what you do with

13:05 - 13:38
Speaker 2: that that is most important. So here I have this list. And initially, all I could do, I was working with my therapist at the time, was tell her what I did not want. So clear to me. I don't want this. I don't want that. I had some self-worth issues and that was actually playing into my ability to declare and allow myself to receive what I truly did want. I was having problems getting the clarity because I didn't know if I was worthy of having it. Not only that, but my partner at the time was very clearly

13:38 - 14:08
Speaker 2: giving me the opposite, right? He was giving me what I did not want. And so even by creating this list, I had this internal struggle about how could I even want these things? Because in wanting to have these experiences, I pretty much was spelling out my divorce. And so that was really hard for me to get there until, you know, thankfully my therapist did work with me and helped me to realize like, I'm allowed to want stuff. And I mean, all this other stuff, I can just want that for myself. And I actually did deserve it.

14:09 - 14:50
Speaker 2: So enter divorce. When I have finally hit my, my stopping point And I just cannot with it anymore. I had done years of work on myself, building up my confidence, building my own self identity, I guess, discovering who I truly was, authentically beginning to express myself and really operating from a place of alignment for me, which meant no more people pleasing, which meant setting healthy boundaries. And more I did these things, the more clear it became that my marriage was not aligned for me. Honestly, when I look back, I'm not sure if it was ever really

14:50 - 15:25
Speaker 2: aligned, but it absolutely, I wouldn't turn back time because the lessons and the wisdom that I gained from that entire experience, every little piece of it, the good, the bad, the ugly, have shaped who I am today and have given me context and understanding that I can apply that wisdom and embody that, you know, the discernment to go forward and not only create an amazing life for myself, but also help others to do that for themselves as well. So yeah, I'm going to pause there and give you a moment.

15:25 - 16:08
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I feel like you just coached my ass off. And I'll tell you why. Because I am divorced twice and I always said, I'm the common denominator, you know, and people would say, oh, don't be, you know, and I was like, no, no, I'm out of the 2. I'm the common denominator. And what I did see in, and you're right, like you point the blame or you don't have the mirror, you don't know, but what I did notice is I never used my voice. I never felt like I had a voice until like my

16:08 - 16:47
Speaker 1: first marriage was over 20 years and 2 beautiful kids and we're very good friends and that's okay. But I did notice that it wasn't until we were actually separated that I used my voice because then there was no risk. I went into a second marriage, very short, brief, whatever. It's funny because when I knew it was over, what I said to myself was, oh, you know, if I can leave a marriage where I feel like I've destroyed a couple of kids in the making, doing all of that, I had no kid, I had stepdaughter and they

16:47 - 17:22
Speaker 1: were grown and beautiful, but I wasn't You know making my own kids go through something again or you know, and so I thought oh I can leak like I left in Record time. Yeah, But did not admit to myself that I could have just said, I don't want this. Not I can leave because, you know, and so when you say common denominator and finding like really having to dig down, I 100% feel every word you're saying. Like, yeah. Yeah.

17:23 - 17:59
Speaker 2: It's a type of realization for sure. And in the past, I have the tendency to run away as well, to avoid, to distract, to do everything that I could to, you know, not feel the discomfort that was my relationship. And I actually share my story about running because I literally started running, road running, trail running. You'll run away from my marriage at 1 point. And I share this story in my most recent book that I published, which is a collection of stories actually. But my story was about how I started running to avoid the discomfort in

17:59 - 18:34
Speaker 2: my marriage. And That's on the surface what it was, but I was really running away from myself. And that's the discovery that I made throughout the process was that I could not outrun the 1 thing that was following me everywhere, that I was the common denominator, that the problem was me and the solution was me. And I couldn't run away from myself. My chapter is called Chasing Shadows, Finding Love because in a beautiful turn of events, I actually met my current partner while running a marathon. So you'll have to read the story for that whole thing.

18:34 - 19:08
Speaker 2: But there are so many pieces of these life lessons. Essentially, that's what the book is about. Life lessons learned from running long distance. The stories are heartbreaking and human and raw and inspiring and they'll probably inspire you to lace up your shoes or, you know, take a good look at yourself or hug your loved ones a little bit more dearly. The stories are about running, but they're also not about running. Anyways, I digress. Yeah. I also wanted to share that a part of that was, tied to what you said, that I was staying for my kids

19:08 - 19:46
Speaker 2: for a long time because I did not want to create a broken home. My kids were, this is like 6 years ago and they're all teens now. So my oldest was somewhere around 10 years old at the time and below. And I thought that what I was doing by staying was protecting them from having a broken home until I realized I was not fucking protecting anyone. I was actually teaching them a lot of lessons that I did not want to be teaching them about what relationships look like, self-love looked like, about people pleasing patterns, about creating

19:46 - 20:24
Speaker 2: your happiness or trying to make other people around you happy at the cost of abandonment. And so at 1 point I realized like, I'm not protecting them at all by staying what they actually need is not some perfect mom who can keep up appearances and bear the burden and try and be the buffer in this, you know, unhealthy situation. I did not want my 3 boys to grow up and think that that was what they should aspire to in relationship or life. And so I realized I had to save myself. No 1 was coming to save

20:24 - 20:57
Speaker 2: me. There was no, you know, Jesus wasn't coming to stay with me. You know, I truly, you know, nothing against Jesus. Awesome guy. We have the same powers of Jesus within ourselves if we're going to go off on that tangent. So I don't think we're separate from that. We don't need an external savior. We have the power within ourselves to choose and to, And for me, I chose myself because choosing myself was the right path to protect my kids, to teach my kids, to show them. By giving myself permission to be myself and go out there

20:57 - 21:33
Speaker 2: and create my happy, I was also giving them the pathway to do the same for them. And by actually going out and creating this relationship that I had detailed on this list, it was things like we laugh together, we go on adventures together, we can't keep our hands off of each other, we have deep meaningful conversations. My partner and I don't fight. Now that's not to say we don't disagree on certain things because we're humans and we see things different, differently. We have different perspectives and we can still have a very positive, loving, healthy conversation even

21:33 - 22:06
Speaker 2: when we don't see things the same way. And I truly believe this is possible for everyone when they do this work on themselves, because every relationship out there is a reflection of what's within. And so if you work on that, if you learn to completely, unconditionally love and accept yourself, I know this is a stretch for a lot of people because we've received so much information from the world around us to say we're not worthy, to say that we're not worthy, to create the experience of not feeling this, it exists within you. It's just a matter

22:06 - 22:44
Speaker 2: of bringing that alive and so that you can feel it. And when you feel this, essentially this wholeness, this love and this happiness, this peace, this joy from within, instead of chasing an illusion outside of yourself, this is reflected in every relationship that you have with your spouse, with your ex-co-parent, with your neighbors, with girls on the internet, with your children, of course, with your coworkers, your clients, whoever you're interacting with on a regular basis, and not only people, but the relationship that you have with your, with your meat suit, with your bank account, with your

22:44 - 23:02
Speaker 2: social media, like all of, with the government, all the things that really can cause us a lot of pain and suffering can be, you know, I don't want to like throw out grand claims, but I truly do believe that if we get this right here inside of ourselves, everything else just falls into place. Oh, yeah, I agree.

23:02 - 23:43
Speaker 1: It just ripples. It just ripples and you don't even have to like, I've been doing a lot of that work for a number of years and very much intensely in the last few and have noticed like When you go into looking to change, then you start looking for the changes. And what I noticed was just these little small shifts in my reactions to things or how I feel about things. And I'm like, huh, maybe this is good stuff. This is actually really good stuff. And it's not, you know, because you're not looking for the reward, the

23:43 - 24:26
Speaker 1: external reward, you kind of feel that internal, that's a shake me at all or, you know, those things. And so I completely agree. And I feel like our conversation, like, starting from point A to point Z, let's talk to somebody who is now in point B. And I'm going to say point B is, I know this isn't a good place for me. And I will tell you from experience and you will, I'm assuming, I shouldn't assume you would say the same thing, but the thoughts of having the conversation, the thoughts of were a thousand times harder

24:26 - 24:29
Speaker 1: than actually having the conversation.

24:31 - 25:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, our mind really tends to catastrophize things, right? Our minds are very analytical, right? So we have this, it's almost like a computer-like ability to take all of the information and analyze it and try to understand it and create outputs and create solutions and all of these things. And oftentimes our brain is a thousand steps ahead trying to create a whole lot of solutions for problems we don't yet have. And so that can really keep us stuck in some state of analysis paralysis. Not only that, but like uncertainty creates fear within most of us. It's the

25:08 - 25:38
Speaker 2: way that we are wired because we just don't know what to expect. And so when we don't know what to expect, we may not know how to respond. And so that fear can really paralyze us and keep us, you know, from taking the action that we, we damn well know. No, it's the best thing for us. We know that, you know, we're in this situation, we know it's run its course. We know we're not happy. We know we're not healthy. We know we're waking up overwhelmed and maybe you're like me, binging Netflix, day drinking, online shopping,

25:39 - 26:14
Speaker 2: literally running away in every possible way. And yet that shit's not going away. So How do we start making that shift in that moment? Well, first we have to start by regulating our nervous system because oftentimes that fear is coming up in us And it actually blocks us from seeing the options that are available because our brain filter our reticular activating system is like it's a beautiful thing and also it sometimes works against us. So let me explain what I mean. There's like, I think they say 30 billion pieces of information that our brain is actually

26:14 - 26:47
Speaker 2: observing and then processing in what is most relevant for us. How does it process this? By what's familiar and what you believe is that's what it's going to filter in for your experience, right? It's based on your beliefs, your mindsets, your past experiences and all of these things. So what often gets filtered in is what you know, right? What you're expecting. And that's why so often when we expect a certain outcome, guess what happens? Not only that, but when we expect something to happen, it's like going into a conversation, assuming that you're going to have a

26:47 - 27:16
Speaker 2: fight, you're going in with defenses up, that person reads you going in with defenses up, they think there's a fight and guess what happens. Right. So I talked to my kids about this a lot because they will often go in on attack mode so quick on each other. And I just say like, listen, if you're going in on attack, guess what, what their response is going to be. You're going to have a battle. Now, if you go in with a little bit of compassion, a little bit of grace that, Hey, you're both humans doing the best

27:16 - 27:52
Speaker 2: that we can with the resources and understanding that we have. We're imperfect. We're going to make mistakes. We're going to say stuff that we don't really mean. We're going to quote unquote fail, but when we fail, we learn. And so, you know, what we ultimately need to do is calm our nervous system, right? So their reticular activating system isn't just throwing all of these these crazy things at us. We're able to actually see the options before us, the opportunities and possibilities that exist. Rather than having blinders on that's literally like, just don't die, right? Like that's

27:52 - 28:25
Speaker 2: kind of the initial survival mode response. But when we're in survival mode, we don't see the choices. We just don't. The reticular activating system is like, nope, let's just, let's focus on what we know. This is safe. And so in order to expand beyond that, we really need to come into the present moment, calm our body so that we can actually work through the options that are available. So a couple of easy ways to regulate your nervous system, some nice deep breaths, a short meditation. And if you're thinking, I'm not good at meditating or I can't

28:25 - 28:53
Speaker 2: sit still or can't quiet my mind, don't worry. None of those are the expectations of meditating. The expectation of meditating is you set aside the time. That's it. And I am a big fan of meditating. It helps you to come into this present moment where your power is, where you can create the experience that you want, where you can observe possibly. And I have some tools to help you with that. If you are someone who doesn't feel like they can meditate, I have some really fun, sweary AF, quickie meditations that are under 5 minutes, a guarantee

28:53 - 29:28
Speaker 2: that will help you to come back into a calm state and be present so that you can make a real choice for yourself rather than letting the autopilot pass your current moment. After you have regulated your nervous system, now you can look at things with a little bit more of a neutral lens, right? You can become the observer. Your Thoughts aren't ruling you, right? Because now you're creating this little bit of space in this present moment where you can simply observe what's going on. Now you can consciously choose, well, what is the outcome that I desire

29:28 - 30:03
Speaker 2: and how might I best communicate that? A little bit of planning goes a hell of a long ways when it comes to communication. And in fact, the last 2 episodes of my podcast have been on this topic because regulating your nervous system before you have a difficult conversation is everything. Right? Having the intentions is going to help you actually create the outcomes that you want. And so often we don't take that step to prepare ourselves. Right. And then the next step is ultimately having the conversation with the intention that we truly want in mind. So if

30:03 - 30:35
Speaker 2: we want to have a difficult conversation, maybe our intention is to simply express ourselves. Maybe it's to, you know, express a need that we have that we haven't been expressing. It may not always be immediately jumping to, this is over, I can't with this anymore. We don't want to be fueled by our emotions, which is why it's so valuable to regulate before we go into that conversation. And this is going to help you with all kinds of conversations like talk about parenting. These are tools we need in our arsenal, especially when we're parenting teenagers. It is

30:35 - 31:14
Speaker 2: a wild ride, parenting teens. And like you kind of said, multiple personalities, I think the same kid on any given hour, there can be multiple personalities. If we are regulated, if we are confident, and if we are the ones setting the tone and the intention behind our interactions, that is going to create more of those outcomes that we truly want and foster deeper, more meaningful connection and trust and create a space where we can safely share both sides, right? From an authentic place and from a place of love, because ultimately, I know that if you have

31:14 - 31:44
Speaker 2: children, you love them with all of your being. And if you're feeling like you're not expressing that in the way that you would like to, maybe you're feeling like you're kind of, you know, emotionally triggered often, you're really frustrated or, you know, you're, I see this a lot and I used to sort of live more in this space of like wanting to control things and have things my way. And I mean, I think all humans do kind of want that. Like, yeah, of course, but we can't be putting the expectation on other people because we're the

31:44 - 31:46
Speaker 2: only ones that we can change.

31:46 - 31:46
Speaker 1: And

31:46 - 32:21
Speaker 2: so if we have these expectations that we're putting on other people, all we're going to do is likely create disappointment. Right? So, and I don't mean don't have any standards for don't misread that. Obviously, you know, we do have things that we want to communicate to our children. Like, please, you know, don't just leave everything everywhere. Right. But ultimately, let's be really honest, they don't care. They don't care if there's dishes or socks or whatever all over the place. That is something that's bothering you. And you can communicate that so you're blue in the face, but

32:21 - 32:49
Speaker 2: you cannot make another person care. So some of these attempts to get things to go our way actually create a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering when we could just put something different into place to deal with those situations, like put the dish in the dishwasher ourselves. Yeah. And I know because I'm guilty of this 1 all the time. I'm like, oh my gosh, like the dishwasher is right here. You just put it, you know, from the counter to underneath. It's not that hard. Right. But ultimately, if it's me that wants it in the dishwasher, guess

32:49 - 32:52
Speaker 2: whose responsibility is to get it in the dishwasher?

32:52 - 32:53
Speaker 1: Yeah.

32:53 - 33:26
Speaker 2: Right? And that's a hard 1 because you're like, oh, shoot, yeah, that's me all the time, right? I'm always like upset about this, this or that, or, you know, things not going my way. But children are like literally their their role here is to grow and evolve and to learn. And so how do they learn by pushing the boundaries, by exploring, by trying to figure out who they are and what works and what doesn't work in their life. And ultimately our main focus, I'm going to speak for myself, but I hope other people will resonate with

33:26 - 34:04
Speaker 2: this too, is to help guide them to become independent, healthy, happy adults. And if we can begin with that end in mind, we can really shift our interactions in a way that will actually foster that outcome. Tell you what, nagging them probably doesn't create that outcome. Right. Right. And, and yelling at them when they mess up is definitely not going to create that outcome. In fact, it will probably stop them from even coming to you when they make a mistake. Such an, like, it's like so important to recognize, first of all, that we're all, we're all

34:04 - 34:20
Speaker 2: good humans. I love the book Good Inside by Becky Kennedy. It really talks about inside, you know, and the way I kind of say that is we're doing the best that we can with the resources and understanding that we have. Like we are literally, everyone is showing up and doing the best that they can.

34:21 - 34:21
Speaker 1: And

34:21 - 35:00
Speaker 2: when we operate from this lens, we can have a lot more compassion to ourselves, you know, to and for ourselves and to other people. And when we're operating with this love and compassion, we can maneuver challenges with so much more grace and ease and avoid a lot of conflict because we don't want conflict. We actually want to raise independent thinkers, which is annoying when they're in your house, and independently thinking something very different than you. I'm done with that. The challenge, the struggle is real here. Okay. But what would be worse is if they actually just

35:00 - 35:30
Speaker 2: adhere to everything that you've suggested. And they did not ever find a voice of their own. And they did not ever express their, their individuality or their own authenticity for fear of rejection or not being loved or accepted. And most of us have had some experiences with that in, in some way, shape or form as a child. I don't know. I would be really shocked if there was somebody out there that was like, I never had that experience because it comes from all different places, you know, and your parents had the best intentions And they still

35:30 - 36:11
Speaker 2: would have fallen short on occasion because we are human and we're imperfect. And so we're all operating with, you know, these past traumas playing out. So if we don't do what it takes to process and move through that, we're going to continue to project that. So this is why this work within yourself is so important so that you can come to a place of grace and understanding for yourself in this way of what's within you that is reflected in every experience that you have out in the world. And so, you know, ultimately creating that foundation allows

36:11 - 36:40
Speaker 2: you to see everyone else with the same love, the same compassion, the same, you know, healthy outlook and these positive intentions that you want to create. And that's just, I think that's what everyone is wanting to create with their children. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong. Maybe someone out there would disagree with me and that's okay. I don't have to be right but I do think this is sort of you know the general theme of what most parents most moms really want for their family. Absolutely, absolutely and

36:40 - 37:21
Speaker 1: I feel like you know when you we talked about like how you the nervous system to help you kind of move forward and have those conversations. And honestly, when you know it's right, and the conversation is over, everything you feared may still come into play. But you're operating authentically. And I feel like as soon as that conversation was over for me, then no matter what happened, the finances, the custody, those child support, all of that hit me, but I was able to stand in my own and manage it where when I was in a situation where

37:21 - 37:57
Speaker 1: I wasn't being authentic, the toast burning would have sent me over the edge. The grocery bill would like so it really you're right centering on that nervous system and figuring out yourself first. So I want to just I know we could like be 10 hours so I just want to go 1 more down 1 more path so you've had the conversation your nervous system is centering you have now you're moving on and you and you even spoke to this and I felt the same way is Who am I now? Yeah, and you know when your kids

37:57 - 38:20
Speaker 1: are little and they're so clingy to you and that's that's a different entity But when you have teenagers and now you're on your own and they're being independent and they're making their own decisions about whether they go to the co-parents or whatever it is. Like, how do we figure out, like, is there a couple of steps moms can go, okay, I need to do this, this and this, because I need to, I need to figure out who I am again.

38:21 - 38:55
Speaker 2: I don't know if there's like a linear pathway to this because it is really an adventure of self discovery. It is an exploration. And this is why I created my self discovery journal, because oftentimes we don't know where to start. We just know that we're kind of lost. You know, I call it suffering from just a momitis, right? Because we are so focused and admired in that, that we're not sure who we really are. And so when we're really stuck in that, it's hard to even start exploring, like, where do I even start to explore? Because,

38:55 - 38:59
Speaker 2: you know, that version of me, 3 kids, no longer exists.

38:59 - 39:00
Speaker 1: Yeah.

39:00 - 39:35
Speaker 2: Right. We cannot go back in time. That's done, that's over with. And so it's not a matter of like trying to get back to who we were. It's actually a matter of discovering who, I mean, who we always were and who we want to be. Like, I really see it's not a matter of like becoming someone else because you don't have to become someone else by performing or acting or any of these things. It's more of unpacking who you truly are. And what I discovered when I started really unpacking was that ultimately at my core, I

39:35 - 40:14
Speaker 2: am love. And so when I operate from this core space of recognizing that I am love, that I'm wholeness, everything just flows easily. And I don't have so many questions about what I need to do or where to go or what my next step is. It flows much more easily from there. But the self-discovery process is something that is ongoing, right? It's an ever evolving process because we're always growing and learning and expanding and experiencing new and different things, which make us not exactly the same person we were a moment ago. It's a matter of being

40:14 - 40:48
Speaker 2: who we are and evolving as we go. And so I would say the first step is really just giving yourself permission to start exploring, right? To start asking yourself those juicy questions to figure out, well, where did I find this belief from? Is it really true for me? Do I like this thing? Does this thing feel good? Do I feel good when I'm doing this activity? Do I feel good when I'm around this person? And just starting to give yourself that permission to ask the questions, to remain curious, to be open to the honest answers that

40:48 - 41:25
Speaker 2: are coming from within, not the ones that are coming from your mind. They're logically trying to explain all of the things, but the ones that really like that voice that is built on love from within is going to be the truth for you. That's going to be your truth. And all of the fear based questioning and wondering and overthinking, that's, that's not you. That's just your thoughts. That's your, your, your, your mind, monkey mind doing its thing. And so really just bringing it back to what feels really good for me and exploring, allowing yourself, giving yourself

41:25 - 41:57
Speaker 2: permission to experience pleasure, right? You're supposed to feel pleasure. You're supposed to feel really good. Like that is how you are meant to be operating. And the pain and the suffering is actually just a sign that you just lost maybe lost sight of what, who, what, and who you truly are. So I'd say that would be the first piece is the permission slip. And then just generally getting a little bit curious. You're probably not the same person. You might not have the same interest, but go explore, try a new hobby, try a new sport, try a

41:57 - 42:10
Speaker 2: new, meet up with some new people, try a new food. I don't know, just get out there and try the things. Because how do you know unless you get out there and try different things, what's going to light you up? Like you just can't. It's very experiential.

42:11 - 42:45
Speaker 1: Yeah, 100%. And you know, I think a lot of people too, when they, in the initial stages are like, but all my time was doing this. And now if you can shift that to now I have time, now I have time, now I can sink my teeth into this and that. And then when the kids do come back or they are, you know, whatever, they're, they're going to see, Oh, check her out now. She's like, she's like, who is she? This is great. And they're going to see it. It just ripples and you don't have to

42:45 - 42:59
Speaker 1: say, oh, you should meditate like I do, or you should journal like I do. No, no. All of that, they just see the difference and it just ripples and it's just, it's really, it can be very beautiful. And yeah.

42:59 - 43:00
Speaker 2: Ultimately, we're the role model.

43:00 - 43:01
Speaker 1: Yeah.

43:01 - 43:33
Speaker 2: For our children. And we all know that kids don't really listen that good, right? And that's okay. They don't have to listen to us. We actually don't want them just to listen to us. We want them to observe and critically think and form their own opinions and try to vote for themselves, right? Buck around and find out a little bit for themselves, not just take our word for it. So absolutely, like you say, like you go first, you do the things that make you feel good. You act in a way that's authentic and aligned for you.

43:33 - 43:39
Speaker 2: And they're going to see that and they're maybe not for a while. This is what I'm thinking. Like,

43:39 - 43:39
Speaker 1: for

43:39 - 43:40
Speaker 2: sure, not so much.

43:40 - 43:42
Speaker 1: They won't admit it to later anyway.

43:42 - 44:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, totally. But eventually I'm fully believe in. And this is sort of how it was, you know, when I became an adult, I was very resistant to what my parents kind of, you know, necessarily were telling me when I was a teen because I wanted to make my own opinions, damn it. And you know, despite their best intentions, I had to learn some of these lessons by going through it for myself. And so I just recognize that it might not happen right away. And I might feel like you're a broken record and sharing the same things

44:11 - 44:34
Speaker 2: and letting them know the same things. And that's okay, because ultimately they're absorbing it more from observing you than from you telling them what to do. Eventually, they'll get to a place where they'll be like, you know what, that actually might have some merit after all. Absolutely. Absolutely. And like

44:34 - 45:05
Speaker 1: I said, I feel like we could just do this for 5 more hours. So I think we might have to come back. But tell us about all things Christy Holt, where to find you. I'm going to meet everybody there because I need to dive more into your world because this is great information and it's such a you know, it's such a journey when we talk about Separating and divorcing and kids it's it is a journey and it's everyone's personal journey But if it if you can like you said like center in do you first and it

45:05 - 45:11
Speaker 1: all start to kind of unfold the way it should. And I love that. So tell us where to find you.

45:11 - 45:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can find all of, I have a bunch of freebies and a bunch of courses and mentorship options, my books, my podcasts, all the things are on my website at coach Christy Holt.com. If you're on social media, go ahead and follow me. I'm like in all the places, of course, but I love to hang out on Facebook. It just, it's a vibe where we can have real conversations. So absolutely meet me there. Let me know where you came from. So I'd be sure to accept your friend request. I would love to connect with anybody and

45:44 - 46:16
Speaker 2: share some of those free resources or have a conversation about what the best fit for you is to just take your next step. Because ultimately we're all different. And so there is no 1 size fits all. Even my own create methodology is not linear. It's sort of a meet you where you're at and let's target the very next thing that you need to do or could do to bring in more happiness and create more happiness to be in this space where you are feeling the love, right? Not wanting, it's wanting the action of wanting keeps it

46:16 - 46:23
Speaker 2: in the future. I want to bring that here and now by being and doing the things that give you that experience now.

46:23 - 46:34
Speaker 1: Love it. Love it. Everything will be in the show notes. Kristy, thank you so much. I love the work that you're doing. Keep going. And I will see you in your community. And I think we might have to do a sequel.

46:35 - 47:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, sounds good to me. I have so much to share on all of the things I would be happy to do that. And just a special thank you for being an incredible host and for creating a platform because moms need this information, not just my information, but we need support. The community aspect is so needed, especially right now where there's so much push for everyone to be independent and we barely talk to our neighbors, we don't have family nearby. We need the support in the teen years even more so because you know when they're little you

47:06 - 47:22
Speaker 2: can you can talk to your mom friends about things and it's not a big deal but when they're teens those problems are the problems are bigger and they're not your problems to really to talk to other people about So it's so important to have a safe place for you to connect with other moms and really, you know, feel like you're not alone.

47:23 - 47:46
Speaker 1: Exactly. Exactly. I couldn't have said it better. Thank you for listening Teen Minds Redefined. Thanks for stopping by and we will see you