"The Power of Positive Parenting: Building Stronger Relationships with Your Teens" with Nellie Harden : Learn how positivity can transform your relationship with your kids and create a happier, more harmonious home.

 In this enlightening episode of Teen Minds Redefined, we sit down with parenting expert Nellie Harden, a dedicated mother of four teenage girls. Nellie shares her insights on fostering strong, confident relationships with your teens, emphasizing the importance of connection, communication, and self-led discipline. Discover practical strategies to engage with your teenage daughters, build their self-esteem, and navigate the complexities of adolescence. Whether you're a parent, educator, or simply someone who knows a teen, this episode is packed with valuable advice and actionable tips that will help you cherish these pivotal years rather than wish them away. Tune in to learn about the "6570" program and how you can make the most of the time you have with your teens!

00:17 - 01:00
Cheryl-Host: At teen minds redefined. This podcast is dedicated to creating a welcoming and inclusive space of all individuals who identify as female at any stage of their journey. We understand that The experience of parenting teen girls is diverse, and we are committed to honoring and amplifying the voices of everyone who identifies as female, including those within the transgender community and non-binary individuals. Together, we aim to foster a supportive environment where all insights and experiences are valued and celebrated. I have just finished recording an episode with Nellie Harden  and I'm so excited to share this with you. She

01:01 - 01:44
Cheryl-Host: is the parent of 4 teenage girls and specializes in helping parents connect with their teenage girls, raise them into being these strong, worthy humans with self-esteem and confidence. She has the pillars that you need, and very, very tactical hands on, what can I do right now to foster the relationship I have? And if you are in the relationship with your kids where you're just wishing those teenage years away, she has what you can use right now to restore and recover the relationship you can have with your teens. Nellie has a program, 6570, 6570 days where you

01:44 - 02:25
Cheryl-Host: have the most impact when you're raising your teenager up to 18. So if you are sitting at home and you are just wishing away those teenage years, you don't have to do that anymore. You have helped listen to this podcast and connect with Nellie Hardin. I'm so excited and so grateful to have met her and connected with her. And you will love this episode, whether you love a teen, know a teen, know somebody who loves a teen, everybody's in this category. Enjoy. Welcome to another episode of Teen Minds Redefined, the sanctuary for parents navigating the complex

02:25 - 03:01
Cheryl-Host: world of raising teenagers. I'm Cheryl Pankhurst and on this journey of transformation, understanding and connection, Today we are diving deep into the world of parenting teen girls, a stage of life filled with unique challenges, powerful emotions, and endless possibilities for growth. So whether we're talking about body image, academic pressure, or just the change in dynamics and friendship, this episode is for you. So if you know a teen, you love a teen, or you know someone who loves a teen, this is the 1 to listen to. And today we have a beautiful guest, Nellie Hardin. Thank you

03:01 - 03:04
Cheryl-Host: so much for joining us. Welcome, Nellie.

03:04 - 03:06
Nellie-Guest: Hi, thank you so much for having me.

03:07 - 03:45
Cheryl-Host: I wanna start off because we did the bio like that. I do wanna start off by saying that this podcast is dedicated to creating and welcoming inclusive safe space for all individuals who identify as female at any stage of their journey. So we just wanted to make sure people, we understand the experience of parenting teen girls is diverse and we're committed to honoring and amplifying the voices of everyone who identifies as female. So having said all that, Nellie, let's start off with like, what are you doing here? What is your mission? What is your story? I

03:45 - 03:50
Cheryl-Host: want to know all of that because diving through your stuff is so interesting. You have such a journey.

03:50 - 04:28
Nellie-Guest: Yeah, that is that is for sure. So, you know, I am a simple Michigan girl. I live in North Carolina now, but I grew up in Michigan. Dad, My dad passed away when I was super young and mom remarried, had a brother and sister. And so when early childhood was a little tumultuous, but also super fun. My mom and I, we were like partners in all things fun. And I grew up in a trailer with my mom and those were some of my favorite memories. There was a, we backed up to, probably today they'd call it

04:28 - 04:59
Nellie-Guest: a nature preserve, but in reality it was a swamp and I would go and climb trees and you know I live in alligator country here now but you know up in Michigan it is not at all so you know it was it was not bad or terrifying by any means but we just had so much fun and my best friend lived 2 doors down. But all of that to say, there was a lot of big changes, big transformations that happened when I was in my early childhood. And then I graduated high school early and I left

04:59 - 05:41
Nellie-Guest: home at 17 and went and moved 7 hours away from anything that I ever knew to a place I did not know. And so I didn't know it then. I didn't have the wherewithal, the personal knowledge of myself, but I really did not have a foundation of worth or value of myself or appreciation, or certainly not confidence, which is the precipice of all of those underneath. And so when you release a young woman out into the world in doing that, and I see it happen so often today, you end up having a young woman that is

05:41 - 06:17
Nellie-Guest: chasing their worth everywhere that they can find it. And some of those can be good and challenging and lead to something and many of them are not. And you know when you're just chasing any little, oh come over here and you'll be worthy, come over here and you'll be worthy, right? Then it takes you down some negative corridors which I it definitely did for me. And then in the midst of my decades long healing from just the first 8 weeks of my college experience, I am married and my husband and I have 4 daughters in 4

06:17 - 06:55
Nellie-Guest: years after a long infertility struggle. And so then I am facing these 4 young faces. We almost lose my husband. He has a heart condition. And he's in heart surgery. I have a 4 year old to 2 year olds and a newborn sitting in the waiting room, wondering if he is going to make it or not, we weren't sure. And I'm just like, okay, I have some things I need to do here, and I wanna make sure that they are fully equipped for the world before they leave home as much as I have the power to

06:55 - 07:28
Nellie-Guest: be so, and contribute to that. And I knew that it was not just a for them, but it was a with them process, right? You build not just for them, but with them, for them in the first part of childhood. And then it's really a partnership in order to get them to a place that they can build their life on top of this foundation you've built together. And so that was really the beginning of the work I do. My background is in biology and psychology. And I've, my, you know, career 1.0 was in the wild animal

07:29 - 08:09
Nellie-Guest: field. And So I kind of joke and say, you know, I've gone from humpbacks to humans and it's a much more complicated process with humanity than it is with the wild. But I'm also really grateful that I had that black and white, you know, just, you know, visceral education and experience with nature to see, okay, what is it, black and white, what is it that is the purpose of childhood? It is to equip them and raise them up to be adults that are contributing and being the best version of themselves and they're equipped to go out

08:09 - 08:40
Nellie-Guest: and do what they need to do. And so I'm really grateful for that season of life. But, you know, All that to say, I have my 4 daughters, and then we were kind of joking before we started recording, and then COVID, right? There's always this bend in the story. And I had been working with positive family disciplines for a while in many different aspects, but then COVID happened. I had already been homeschooling for 5 years, before it was COVID cool. And so then people were reaching out to me.

08:40 - 08:41
Cheryl-Host: They're like,

08:41 - 09:12
Nellie-Guest: how do you do this? I'm going to murder them. They're going to kill me in my sleep. Like, I don't know, they're gonna fail and all these things. And I was like, Okay, let's calm down and and talk through this and helping them realize how can I put on this new hat, you know, in a family? How can I bring a new role into our family? And that just really led to how can we have communication? How can we have connection? How do I produce clarity, right? Like, I could care less what, you know, curriculum you

09:12 - 09:43
Nellie-Guest: were using for homeschool, whether it be through the school or what have you, but how do you actually deliver it? How do you know their teaching and learning styles and et cetera, and how they relate to the world and you with them? So that led to really where I am today in helping parents and anyone, like you were saying earlier, that has a role in a young woman's life. Like how do you show up and lead them to a place where they have this foundation of worth, esteem and confidence before they leave home?

09:45 - 10:21
Cheryl-Host: That's what an incredible journey. And I just love this power with instead of power for or working. I love that. And I always kind of say, you know, I've always ever worked with teenagers for years and years and years. And I feel like the first years of parenting until like 11 or 12 actually feels like parenting. And then we kind of transition into like coach, mentor, and not that you're not guiding and setting rules and boundaries, but now you are lifting them up and giving them the skills and you know we're not raising kids, we're raising

10:21 - 10:37
Cheryl-Host: humans as you said which I think is key like that was key for me. Before we even start, If you're a parent and your daughter is 16, 18, 25, 30, is it too late for us?

10:38 - 11:22
Nellie-Guest: No, not by any means. So, well, first of all, I think, you know, my work is all at the crossroads of biology, psychology, faith, and culture. And so it's really important for parents to understand the biology piece because it will give you so much more mercy and grace for your child. And so understanding that brains are not fully formed until 25, 26. And then even after they are, right, like you're saying, even later, 30, 40, 60-year-old daughter, what have you, there is still room and space for that forgiveness, for that moving forward, for that partnership to

11:22 - 11:58
Nellie-Guest: go through, walk through something that they might be walking through or need you through, right? And we've all heard the stories. I mean, if we've, If anyone has ever watched a Hallmark movie ever, right? They're emulating, you know, that those last moments when a parent that has, you know, been at fault for something or a child that's been at fault for something, and then there's that reconnection moment at the very end, right? So it is never, ever too late. But I say that with the caveat of, speaking of brain development, parents will never have as high

11:58 - 12:16
Nellie-Guest: of an impact zone as we do during childhood and adolescence because of that wiring of the brain that is happening right there. So you will never have as high of an impact zone as is now during childhood adolescence, but it is never too late.

12:18 - 12:58
Cheryl-Host: So then I want to go to what is the barrier to having that impact at the right time? And I say that because anyone who has raised a teenage daughter, I think especially a mom, you know, will say, oh, this, this years between here and here were just brutal, just brutal. Didn't, and you know, not necessarily everyone's experience, but I think it's common. And I think a lot of it is, you know, just having this little girl who's attached to you all the time, never wants you out of her sight, all of a sudden you're like

12:58 - 13:27
Cheryl-Host: tossed to the wind. Yeah, yeah. And the tone of the voice and the answering of the questions and that whole conversation communication piece in those years, I feel like anyone who has parented a teenage daughter is like, oh yeah, I remember that. So now you're saying that's when we make the most impact. But I feel like that's where we have a barrier. So how do we break that barrier? How do we get into that?

13:27 - 13:59
Nellie-Guest: Well, here's the thing, and this is why I do the work that I do on such an individual level. Like I have 4 daughters and they are 4 corners of a square. They are very, very different from 1 another. And I cannot parent any 1 of them the same as I parent any 1 of the others. And so it's really important to know your kids on that individual level. And we can talk about how to do that in a little bit, but you need to know how they relate to the world, right? They're the way they

13:59 - 14:39
Nellie-Guest: learn, right? The way they teach everything that we are doing, even, you know, you and I right now, and all of your listeners right now, when you are taking in anything you're learning, whenever you are opening your mouth or even giving a facial expression using your body language, most of communication is nonverbal, right? You are teaching. You are teaching something to the world around you, right? So the learning techniques, the teaching techniques. So as I was saying, I have 4 daughters. They're periods of difficulty, the amounts of difficulty, the shade or the flavor of difficulty is

14:39 - 15:14
Nellie-Guest: very different with all of them. And when they are in it, it's really, really hard for them to see it. And I'm gonna say, we have a, my youngest is 14. My kids are 19, 16, 16, and 14 right now. And so my youngest is 14. She had her very first day of her freshman year of high school yesterday. And this is the first time she's been in public school since about the first 6 weeks of kindergarten when we pulled her out, we moved. So I essentially sent them to 6 weeks of school so I could

15:14 - 15:53
Nellie-Guest: pack the house. I'm gonna be honest. Honest mom moment right there. And so anyway, but she came home and she melted down and there was nothing constructive about her. And you know, she was upsetting her sisters because she was getting on them about things. And, you know, on the surface, it looked like it was about this thing, when in actuality, it was not about that thing at all, which was, by the way, a cup of coffee at our local coffee shop. I was like, she's not upset about the cup of coffee, guys. She is upset about,

15:53 - 16:23
Nellie-Guest: you know, these layerings of things that happen throughout the day. But talking to her later on, after she we gave her an opportunity to calm down and everything, She's like, well, yeah, I know I was a little upset, but it was fine. I was like, Oh, no, honey, this was catastrophic when you came in the door, like, you were yelling and it was not okay. And she's like, Oh, you know, and so she didn't even recognize it. And I find, I think that's interesting to note with your kids, because even talking with some of my older

16:23 - 16:54
Nellie-Guest: ones were like, Oh, this was your difficult period. And they're like, it was? We're like, yes, yes, it was. Right. And so you'll never know when that is. I'm sorry, you'll know when it is. They might not know when it is, but it will be different for all of them. But you need to just walk through it with them. Have loads of mercy and grace as you're going through. Understand what's going on in their brain, understand what's actually, you know, the triggering or upset point right there. Yesterday it happened to be that she's in a, you

16:54 - 17:23
Nellie-Guest: know, she's a freshman and junior math and she went in and she didn't understand some of the things that the teacher was saying you should have, you know, learned last year quote-unquote And she started freaking out and then everything was downhill after that. So once we just explained to her a little bit of math, you know, I'm not a math person, but that is, and, and we were able to do that. She's like, oh, okay. Yeah. I actually do understand all of this. They're like, yeah, it's okay, right? So during what you might be perceiving and

17:23 - 17:34
Nellie-Guest: getting and receiving as a really difficult time, just walk through it with them and give them opportunities to calm down because when they are going through a difficult time, their brains are not online.

17:35 - 18:13
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. Oh, bingo. How do we give them the skill of that space? What do we say to them? What do we do that it doesn't feel like, get out of my face, I can't listen to you right now. How do we give them the words so that they start understanding that it's okay to take that space and regroup on their own and come back to it without feeling like, you know, my daughter's 32 now. So I spent a lot of years thinking I needed to have all the answers. There was no, I don't know, or I

18:13 - 18:35
Cheryl-Host: need space, or there was none of that. There should have been, there wasn't. So, you know, times have changed and, you know, we can't parent like we parented. So how do we give them those skills? And those are lifelong skills. So how do we give them those skills? And is it different at every age and stage? What skills we offer?

18:35 - 19:02
Nellie-Guest: Jennifer Llewellyn So have them answer that for you. It would be my biggest answer for that. So as an example, still staying with yesterday as an example here. So I, after she had calmed down a little bit, and then she ramped back up. She calmed down a little bit, she ramped back up, right? It took a few cycles of this. Why don't you go upstairs? I don't wanna go upstairs. Well, I need you to go upstairs, and frankly, you need you to go upstairs too. Don't take your phone, right? Because then they're just going to get

19:02 - 19:30
Nellie-Guest: on there and they're going to text, you know, oh my, you know, my parents are terrible or I'm going to, you know, doom scroll or whatever it is. So don't take your phone. You can listen to some music, no computer, just go and be in your room, right? For a little while. And this is not a punishment. This is for you to have an opportunity to calm down. So anyway, we do that a few times. She finally calms down and then everything is joyous and happy, but you know, all of us are left like panting and

19:30 - 20:04
Nellie-Guest: exhausted. And so then last night, we have one-on-one time with each of our daughters every week. And so last night was my turn to have one-on-one time with her. We even do this with our college students over Zoom. And So, or FaceTime or whatever is available. So anyway, I was with her in one-on-one time last night, which is we just, I lay in bed with her, we talk, we watch some funny videos of dogs on Instagram, we laugh, but we also digest the day and the week and what's happening. And so talking with her about that

20:04 - 20:34
Nellie-Guest: and she's like, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I was like, I know you don't. And frankly, I don't either, but we need to, to make sure that what happened today, you don't have to go through again. It wasn't so that I don't have to go through it again. It's so you don't have to go through that again, right. But what we were talking about, I said, Okay, so let's, let's, there's 3 points that I want to talk about today. Number 1 is what triggered you to start spiraling in the first place. Number 2

20:34 - 21:03
Nellie-Guest: is that you were taking it out on all of the people around you, especially the ones that love you the most, because that's their safe place, right? It's not like you're not going to be my sister tomorrow if I lash out at you, right? And then number 3, the 1 answer that you put to all of this was a falsehood, because it was she really wanted this, I don't know, caramel something fancy drink at a coffee shop at 630 at night when she's coming home for dinner. And the answer is no, right? We're going home for

21:03 - 21:29
Nellie-Guest: dinner. And I was like, so let's talk about these. And so the first 1, you know, what was the trigger? And I understand that math, you know, was hard. It's at the end of the day, she just came off of a 14 week summer and all of a sudden she's, you know, thrown into this. And so that's hard. So I talked, I said, what can you do? So this was my question to her. I didn't tell her what to do, but I said, what can you do in order to calm down in the moment to keep

21:29 - 22:01
Nellie-Guest: your focus and not spiral? And she's like, well, and as she's saying this, she's heavy breathing, but she couldn't think, and I was like, I think you're doing 1 of the things that would be really helpful to you, you know? And so we talked about breathing, And I even told her, you know, you can trace a square and do some box breathing in out in out. And then I was like, is there anything else that you think? Well, she there's this wooden cross that she has next to her bed. And so she's like, well, I can

22:01 - 22:34
Nellie-Guest: think about that. I was like, perfect. I know that calms you down and gives you comfort. So you can think about that too. So I was placing her in a position to be in charge of her own coping mechanisms that would be there for her that are hers specifically, right? And so, and then I was like, you know, talking about how she was lashing out at the people that love her the most and talking about, you know, it is safe and we wanna be here for you and you can absolutely be your raw self, but that

22:34 - 23:06
Nellie-Guest: doesn't mean that you can treat us like trash, right? You don't want to be treated like trash. You don't want to treat others like trash. We talked through some of the things like that. And then, you know, was the, was the, you know, drink from Port City Java, was that the 1 answer that would have sold everything for you in that day? And she's like, Yeah. And I was like, Was it? And she's like, Probably not. So breaking it down, though, and asking the questions, and that gets their brain, you know, active again, and it gives

23:06 - 23:10
Nellie-Guest: them ownership of their own healing, which is really important.

23:11 - 24:04
Cheryl-Host: Yes. And collaborative. It's all, you know, collaborative. You're working, you're doing the problem solving together as opposed to giving the answers. They have the answers. And yeah, coming at it with curiosity, coming at anything with teenagers with curiosity as opposed to Anything else I think is the secret sauce to getting through your day sometimes. So if we now have, I'm going to say a parent or a mom or parent have really had a severed relationship with their daughter and they're hearing this, what are the 235 most important things they can do now to start repairing that

24:04 - 24:08
Cheryl-Host: relationship because there's just nothing like it.

24:08 - 24:43
Nellie-Guest: Yeah. Number 1, I would say that you need to establish a point of connection. And so if you do have a severed relationship, then establish a point of connection being like if they still live at home, you can do this 1 on 1 time, right? This, you know, every Monday at 9 p.m. Let's just talk and I just say that because that's our time, but it might be, you know, 4pm or whatever. Let's go for a walk. Let's, you know, paint. Let's color. You know, those adult coloring books are fantastic in a great way. Let's do

24:43 - 25:17
Nellie-Guest: a puzzle, right? Let's do something, but make it in the field of something that they might be interested in, or that is novel or new to both of you. Okay? So it's not something that you're inviting them in of just yours, right? It's something that is theirs or new to both of you. So have a point of contact that is going to be repeated. And that is so important because you don't want the connection that you have with your child to only be when there's a problem. You want to make sure that you have a connection

25:17 - 25:48
Nellie-Guest: point that's going to come no matter what, no matter if it's a high or a low or somewhere in between that they can rely on. And it really gets you on the same level. And so maybe 1 day they're doing great, but you're not. And you can be like, Hey, I have this going on in my life. What do you think about this? Have your 11 year old 14 year old speak into your life. And it really gives them, you know, the sense of power and understanding of I am worthy, They want to know what I

25:48 - 25:50
Nellie-Guest: think about this. And that's really, really powerful.

25:51 - 26:00
Cheryl-Host: So I have to stop because that's a mic drop. That's so good. That's so good. So sorry. I just didn't note that.

26:01 - 26:34
Nellie-Guest: So point of connection first, And then there's the communication piece. And you are the parent or the leader in some capacity in their life, you have to lead, right? You know, my Take the Lead program is all about loving and leading them to a place that they love and lead themselves. But you are the older 1, you're the adult, you need to be able to lead them. So in all of this, you are teaching, guiding, molding, building, et cetera, for them and then with them so they can do it themselves. And so you want to bring

26:34 - 27:12
Nellie-Guest: them into this beautiful space to be able to do that. So, and there's 5 things during that time that you want to focus on. And those are the 5 pillars of worth. Everyone, whoever has been, is, will be, has these same 5 pillars of worth. And if you look at the issues that are really facing our teens today, it's the antithesis of each 1 of these. So the first 1 is to be seen. And the second 1 is to be heard, right? My voice matters, what I have to say matters. To be loved and to belong

27:13 - 27:43
Nellie-Guest: and to have a purpose. And so these 5 things make sure when you are having this point of connection that you are exuding these 5 things. So it's not a point of connection where you're going to go in and just be like, so this is what I think about everything, right? And then it's just going to feel like a judge and, you know, not even a judge and jury, a judge and a person behind the bench. But you want to be able to go in there and ask questions. You just wanna, like you were saying, so

27:43 - 28:16
Nellie-Guest: much curiosity, ask a lot of questions, really listen, and then you want to clarify. So this is what I'm hearing, right? Because a lot of times what we're hearing and processing through our perspective, everyone on this planet has a different perspective, everyone. And so when it goes through all the lenses of our perspective, it might come out differently than they're necessarily intending. So make sure you repeat, this is what I'm hearing, is this what you're saying? And 9 times out of 10, it's not. And they will clarify some things and then you can adjust and be

28:16 - 28:35
Nellie-Guest: like, okay, I understand better now. So yeah, point of contact, and then really just diving into those 5 pillars of worth and when you can flow into that, when you can pour into that, you are going to establish actual human to human connection, not just a point of time connection.

28:36 - 29:14
Cheryl-Host: I love that. I want to, so you established really just now, I was going to ask you what, what the definition of worth actually is. And these 5 pillars are just excellent to know and to include in our relationships. How do we know? What do we see or hear from our daughters when we go, okay, they have that, they have what they need, They have the confidence, they have the self-esteem, they have the feeling of worthy. Like, what are they demonstrating where we can tactfully go, yep, she's got it?

29:15 - 29:52
Nellie-Guest: Right. That is going to be at the very summit of all of these, worth, esteem and confidence, is going to be self-led discipline. And that's where we want them to be before they leave home, if at all possible, or at least very much on the way there. And what that looks like logistically in the day to day is there is a problem because we all face problems every day, challenges every single day, and I can see it, Right? I have the vision to see it, and I have the discipline to walk through the actions that I

29:52 - 30:30
Nellie-Guest: need to do in order to solve that problem. I have the vulnerability in order to ask other people if I need help, right? And I am going to then walk to the other side and have a result of that. So the 4 tools of this entire foundation is vision, discipline, vulnerability, and resilience. And So those are the tools that we need to have in parenting, but not just have, but develop them in parenting as well. And so that's where, you know, you hear the term self-control, you know, a lot of times, which is great and self-control

30:31 - 30:51
Nellie-Guest: is very important, but it's in the moment, right? Self control is in the moment, but self-led discipline is going to be self-control with the trajectory. And so that is going to be, I have self-control, I see the vision of what I need to do, I'm actually going to do it and I'm going to get to the other side of this, this, you know, discipline bridge. So,

30:52 - 31:33
Cheryl-Host: oh, that's amazing. And I feel like there's, you know, there's so many, so many challenges that go through our teenage years. And I think 1 of them that is really poignant to me is friendships. How do we help our daughters navigate friendships and navigate the negative part of a friendship or how do we, you know, oh, she's been my best friend for 20 years or 15 years and she went to a party without me and now she hates me and that's heart wrenching and I think most moms, I'm just saying because I'm a mom, maybe most

31:33 - 31:46
Cheryl-Host: dads, like we're empaths, right? And we just feel it like a punch in the chest when our kids hurt. So how do we help them navigate that?

31:47 - 32:20
Nellie-Guest: Yeah. I feel like I could be like a foremost expert on this with my 4 kids and everything that they've been through, like you're saying, because we do feel it too. So really helping them understand that there's a season for everything. And some people are in your life for a season and some people are in for the long-term. But looking at the positive, even if there's negative right now, always helping them look at the positive of when it was a good season and what did that bring you? What did you learn from it? And what can

32:20 - 32:54
Nellie-Guest: you take away from that? And also through the difficult, like the scenario you're talking about is like, okay, well, they went and what does that say? And they didn't invite you or tell you along, what does that say about the character that they're developing or using right now, right? And what can that teach you about good character, right? And so everything, every single moment, and they talk about school is only from this time to this time. Oh, no, school is 24 7, right? Unless you're sleeping. But, you know, we learn from dreams too.

32:54 - 32:58
Cheryl-Host: So you're bringing school home in your device all

32:58 - 32:59
Nellie-Guest: day. Absolutely.

32:59 - 33:22
Cheryl-Host: You can't find that's a big difference. I find, you know, in this day and age is, you know, you used to be able to just land at home after school and everything was gone until the next day and you had time to restore and repair and have these conversations. Right. But now they're coming home and they're just like, doom scroll, you call it. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just, oh my gosh.

33:24 - 34:02
Nellie-Guest: Well, 1 of the important things you want to do is make sure they know their constants, right? Friends, especially in adolescence, are going to be variable. Sometimes, very rarely, they can be constants, right? That it extends far beyond the reaches of the school years and beyond. It's very rare, though. And I don't say that to be like, well, I know they're your friend now, but they probably won't be later. It's not that, we don't encourage that by any means, but having them understand their constants, who is definitely always going to be there? Who is in your

34:02 - 34:36
Nellie-Guest: life that sacrifices over and over again for you, who loves you innately and completely, those are the relationships that you can absolutely rely on. And then these, we need to understand, you know, when you came home from school yesterday and you were having a really difficult time, well, they might be having a really difficult time right now and we need to give them some grace in that, right? Everybody's on a learning process. It's not just you. And so we need to open that up, right? And so our girls have been through some really big trials with,

34:36 - 35:05
Nellie-Guest: you know, friendships and then COVID again, COVID brought in a lot of that too. People thought they went into COVID thinking they had, you know, this type of friendship and then, you know, they were dropped by the wayside or they develop friendships in COVID and then when school got started back that fell by the wayside, right? It was a really, you know, a season of turmoil for friendships for a lot of our adolescents today but helping them realize what is constant and what is a season?

35:06 - 35:19
Cheryl-Host: No, that's Really good. That's really good. And I and I will also think When they come home and they have had a blowout with their friend Truly avoid saying yeah, I hated them anyway.

35:20 - 35:22
Nellie-Guest: Yes. Oh my goodness. Yes.

35:22 - 35:38
Cheryl-Host: And that goes with, you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. I learned very quickly that in my attempt to support and then they get back together or they're friends again and it's oh god I gotta fix this.

35:38 - 36:16
Nellie-Guest: Yeah, yeah I remember that when I first started dating I started dating my husband when I was 18 and I for the I mean years decades maybe I was like I am not telling my mom anything about any sort of issue or argument or whatever we have because, you know, love my mom, but she will hold it over his head until he is 67 years old, right? And I was like, I don't want to, you know, deal with that. And so, yeah. And so when you do, just focus on your child, what they're going through and

36:16 - 36:32
Nellie-Guest: what they can do in a positive upward spiral from there. Like, what can you do with this? Okay, so how are you going to, you know, handle your emotions right now in a positive way? They need to be able to handle them. Don't sweep anything under the rug, you know, and move forward.

36:32 - 37:11
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, Yeah. Oh, this is so good. I think I could ask about a thousand more questions, but there might be a sequel. I want to ask 1 more question about, How do we know our kids, you know, they're not always open and communicative and we don't always have those skills. What are the signs we can see where we know that their mental health is being affected like some serious anxiety, maybe some depression, as opposed to, oh, they're just sad or they're just hiding in their room or they how do we know, oh, I there's an intervention

37:11 - 37:12
Cheryl-Host: needed here.

37:12 - 37:45
Nellie-Guest: Yeah. Well, I would say if there's a lack of communication, if there's a big swing in, you know, a change, a swing of the pendulum in their behavior, for sure, that needs to be, you know, investigated. If they come home 1 way, go in their room, and they come out a whole different way, then you need to figure out what's going on in the room. It could be something that's healthy. They might be going in there and having some quiet time. They might be going in there and processing and that's okay. Or they could be going

37:45 - 38:26
Nellie-Guest: in there and having some other kind of mental release through some sort of physical manifestation, something. So just figure out what's going on in there if they come home 1 way, spend some time in their room, and then they come out a whole other way. And if there's a big change in friends that you notice, big change in grades that you notice, right? If they start having some different proclivities as far as music that they like or food that they like or don't like or things like that, any big changes you want to investigate and look

38:26 - 39:04
Nellie-Guest: into. But when they really start putting a lot of walls up, right, or denying reality, that is a huge red flag. And you wanna talk to them or take them to somewhere that can speak to them if you're not the person for that. And if you're not, that's okay too. But they need an outlet to get this out and their friends who are also have, you know, under construction brains are not going to be the best outlet for that. They need to speak to somebody that is an adult that can help them walk through what is

39:04 - 39:09
Nellie-Guest: going on and not just rely on other under construction people.

39:09 - 39:43
Cheryl-Host: Yeah and there's no there's like you said you know there's no shame to having someone else as the caring adult. Yeah. You know, you won't always be the 1. But if you can set aside that little bit of ego that sometimes we can have, that I need to fix it, she's mine, I'm the mom, I'm the dad. You know, it's so much more important to have a caring adult that they can talk to and in confidence. Yeah. You know, nope, they're not going to tell me anything unless, you know, you're going to do some harm to

39:43 - 40:14
Cheryl-Host: yourself. But if this gives you an outlet and an unbiased opinion. I think that's really important, really important. This has been so good. I just, I love the work that you're doing. It's just like impactful beyond words, honestly. Where can people find you? How can they work with you? Talk about a little more about take the lead. Like I think that's awesome. So tell us all about Nellie. All the things.

40:16 - 40:54
Nellie-Guest: So I like to keep it simple. It's just NellieHarden.com. So it's N-E-L-L-I-E-H-A-R-D-E-N.com. And you can find all the social channels on there. You can become a part of the community and I will send you something in your inbox every Friday so that you can have some nuggets of wisdom that you can start applying to your family. And 1 of the things I stray away from is blanket parenting, right? And because every child is so different, it isn't going to be, your child is 11 to 14, so they are definitely experiencing this and you must do this,

40:54 - 41:30
Nellie-Guest: right? Every child is so different and I know that just because the 4 of mine are so different and everyone that I work with also. But anyway, on the website, you will find master classes. You'll find Take the Lead, which is fantastic. That's a self-paced program that you can go through, and you have lifetime access to it, because how your daughter is at 10 is different than 12, different than next week, how they are right now. And so you want to be able to have these tools to keep revisiting them. And it's for you to write.

41:30 - 42:03
Nellie-Guest: Everyone says there's no book on parenting, which is not true. There's 9, 000 books on parenting, but no 1 has ever wrote the book on how to parent your child. And that is the work that we do and that I do in the 6570 family project and take the lead is I want you to write the book on your child with your child because no 1 has ever existed like them before. And so they need that unique foundation built just for them. So anyway, All of that resources, everything can be found on there.

42:04 - 42:06
Cheryl-Host: And explain 65, 70, please.

42:07 - 42:48
Nellie-Guest: Yeah, so that is how many days are in 18 years. And so 6, 570 is how many days are in 18 years. And like we said before, that's not a cutoff by any means. It's just our highest impact zone that we can have as parents is within this time. And then there's this story I tell about how, you know, parents are outside building a boat while their toddler kind of toddles around, right? And then after the boat is built, then the child and the parents walk it down to the shore together. And the child gets in

42:48 - 43:14
Nellie-Guest: the boat and they're teaching her, you know, do this and parents are on the shore. The boat is connected through a rope. They, you know, take her out. This is what you do in a storm. This is what you do on a good day. This is how you check the engine. This is how you do everything. Pull her back in and everything. Well, at about 65, 70, the boat then goes out into the bay. You can still see it with binoculars, but it's out in the bay, right? She can still come closer when need be and

43:14 - 43:39
Nellie-Guest: things like that. And then it's really after like 25, 26 that the boat goes on its on its voyages out in life. And so this this period between 18 and 25, I call it the bay, right? You're there out in the bay, they're they're close, but not so close anymore. All that to say there's still a lot of malleability and formation that you can be a part of during that time. But yeah, the 65, 70.

43:40 - 44:13
Cheryl-Host: And I would love to say listeners, you know, if you're at a point where you're wishing that 65, 70 away because you're at your what's end and you don't have any answers and you just can't handle it anymore, call Natalie Harden because she's got some great answers and great solutions and great resources. Just the website is so impactful. I got so much out of it. Just going through the website, it's fantastic. So thank you for the work you do. I just, I love this. I do feel like there's a sequel coming up because I have way

44:13 - 44:23
Cheryl-Host: more questions for you about a thousand different issues. So I just want to say thank you for joining us. Thank you for listening to Teen Minds Redefined and we will see you next time.