#52 "Bridging the Gap: Supporting Teen Independence while Strengthening Parent-Teen Relationships" with Jamie Krzykowski,

 In this episode of Teen Minds Redefined, host Cheryl Pankhurst welcomes Jamie Krzykowski, a holistic health and wellness expert, to discuss the crucial topic of developing independence and responsibility in teenagers. With a wealth of experience as a certified athletic trainer and mental wellness coach, Jamie shares her insights on how parents can foster independence in their teens while also supporting their mental health. This episode offers practical strategies and compassionate advice for navigating the challenging teenage years.

00:01 - 01:30
Cheryl-Host: You you Welcome to another episode of Teen Minds Redefined. I'm your host, Cheryl Pankhurst,  and I am so excited to have a conversation today. Joining me is   Jamie Krzykowski,  an expert in holistic health and wellness with a unique background in holistic nutrition, sports medicine, and mental wellness coaching. Jamie is a certified athletic trainer, a mental wellness coach who has worked in settings ranging from sports medicine clinics to trauma hospitals. But beyond her impressive professional background, she's also a mom of 3, a wife and a full-time professional. Someone who truly understands the challenges of balancing family, life

01:30 - 01:55
Cheryl-Host: and health. And today we are discussing a topic every parent of a teenager can relate to, developing independence and responsibility in our teams. Not only does this help them grow, but it also boosts their mental health. And Jamie is going to bring a compassionate and evidence-based approach to guiding families through these important development phases. Let's dive in. Welcome Jamie. Jamie Duffield

01:55 - 02:03
Speaker 2: Hello. Well, thank you. Wow. That was quite an introduction and thank you, Cheryl, for having me here. So excited to talk about this topic.

02:03 - 02:33
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, me too. And you know, all the these groups that I belong to in like parenting and troubles with parenting and parenting, you know, struggles, I probably 6 out of 10 questions are, they never take responsibility. They want this, but they never do this. So I think independence is going to be a really great topic to get into. But before we dive in, let's hear your story. Let's hear all things, Jamie, and how you got to where you are now.

02:34 - 03:14
Speaker 2: Well, all things, that could be a really long story. But so, you know, for me, I grew up actually in a house with 3 girls, and I have been a healthcare practitioner for about 28 years now and have worked in many different settings. And most of my work has actually been with college students. So kind of that tail end of the teenage years. And with that being a college professor and for 26 years and just lots of different experiences with sports medicine and working with various populations as a holistic health care practitioner. And I'm also a

03:14 - 03:50
Speaker 2: mom of 3. And so with that, my kids are 21, 18, and 14. And so, still have a couple of teenagers and have navigated through 1. And so, definitely lots of things there. I'm very passionate about working with moms over 40 because just looking at all the different people that I have worked with over the years and just the different ways to help. I feel like moms over 40 kind of get forgotten. It's like when we have a newborn baby and we have all of this help with our physician and lactation consultant and, you know, moms

03:50 - 04:27
Speaker 2: groups and things. And I feel like later all of a sudden we're navigating the teenage years and there's not a lot of help, let alone that we're navigating our own perimenopause and other hormones and different things like that, and aging parents and whatnot. And so I'm just really passionate about supporting moms over 40 in particular because we are navigating these teenage years typically. And So lots of different areas for me as far as my background and experience, but between life and work, there's just, there's a lot of people out there to be able to work with

04:27 - 04:27
Speaker 2: and help.

04:28 - 05:07
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you when it comes to that over 40. I think that totally resonates because you you do you're kind of in this abyss where you go from absolutely being needed to well no I don't want to need you anymore so I'm going to act like I don't want to need you anymore to empty nest. And then what? Yeah, I totally understand that whole transition of different life and the in between I don't know it can't be very easy to navigate for anybody. So we want to talk about today a really important topic

05:07 - 05:26
Cheryl-Host: I think is and it's independence and I think before we launch into questions and strategies I want to know what does independence look like from a parent's perspective and What does independence look like from a parent's perspective? And what does independence look like from a teenage perspective? Because I have a funny feeling they don't always jive.

05:26 - 06:08
Speaker 2: Right, right, for sure. And I think from, is sometimes the mistake that parents will make is that we think, oh, independence, that means you are a little adult and you are going to make decisions like an adult. And they are not because their frontal lobe is not fully developed. The ability to make rational choices sometimes is just physically, biologically not there. The frontal lobe doesn't fully develop until about age 25. And so we can't expect that our children are going to, our teenagers are going to make adult decisions. And we need to allow them opportunity to

06:08 - 06:44
Speaker 2: make mistakes. And when they're younger and they get to make choices and make mistakes, then they end up learning, oh, that ended up with this consequence. Oh, that wasn't really a good thing to do. And what they do is they learn how to make choices and make better choices. And so with adults, I think a lot of times we, 1, we expect them to make adult choices or make make choices the way that an adult would that's over 25 to we don't allow them the opportunity for mistakes and and that's just unrealistic and so and then

06:44 - 07:16
Speaker 2: sometimes too as adults we want or as parents we want to control our children because it's safer, right? It's safer for us if we control what they do, because when they're little, we don't let them, you know, we put up gates so that they can't, they won't fall down the stairs. Well, those proverbial gates for teenagers can be a little bit too restrictive sometimes and then Then we can almost you know, they end up with like rebellion and things like that Now from a teenage standpoint, you know, what do what does that independence or those, you

07:16 - 07:46
Speaker 2: know thinking about some of that freedom? What does that look like for them? It it is also having the ability to make their own choices and make their own mistakes. And that's really tough for us because we know that the older we get, the bigger the consequences are of the mistakes. That's why it's better when they're a little bit younger to let them make more, you know, make more of their own decisions and make some mistakes when the consequences, the stakes are lower, right? When the consequences are lower.

07:47 - 08:01
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. What, What kind of decisions would you consider, adult decisions that parents are allowing their teenagers to make? Like an example of a couple. So thinking about

08:03 - 08:35
Speaker 2: like maybe driving, right? That if, or curfews or something that they're saying, well, I can stay out until all hours of the night. It doesn't matter if I have school tomorrow, right? An adult may do that and then struggle at work the next day. And so that could be maybe something to where it's kind of the, instead of just having some boundaries, right? Instead of having a strict, you have to be home by, you know, 11 o'clock. Okay, here's some flexibility, but you're still getting up for school tomorrow and you're not going to complain about it

08:35 - 09:07
Speaker 2: and allowing them some of that and and sometimes to the decisions of Some of the things that they might do Let's just say like like for my husband and I we have typically said to our kids, we're not gonna tell you not to do this, like not to drink, but you know that you're underage and you know that it's illegal and you know you can get in trouble, but You have to make a choice for yourself. We don't want you to do it. But again, we're not telling them No, you can't do it because sometimes when

09:07 - 09:42
Speaker 2: you say you can't do it. They're like who that must be fun I want to do it. I know I was that kind of teenager, right? Mama dad said no. They're they're holding out on me. And so again, giving that opportunity to make the decision, it's your decision. But just knowing we would always say this, just know that every decision you make has either a benefit or a consequence. And you have to make that choice. And so now deep inside, it's the, oh, please don't make that choice. But always knowing we love you. If you do

09:42 - 09:49
Speaker 2: make that choice to drink, call us because we will come and get you. And no questions asked. We want you to be safe, right?

09:49 - 10:04
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. So how can I encourage as a parent how can a parent encourage their teenager to be more independent Mom doesn't feel like they're totally losing control? What is that middle ground?

10:05 - 10:38
Speaker 2: So sometimes I think it's a conversation of, all right, your child wants to go out and they want to have whatever sort of curfew. And you're saying, instead of saying, nope, you have to be home by this time, saying, well, what do you think is reasonable? You have school tomorrow, you have a sport, you have a tournament tomorrow, you have all this responsibility and you are going to follow through with that responsibility because that's, you know, that's what we do when we make a commitment, we go. So what do you think is reasonable? Do you think

10:38 - 11:07
Speaker 2: you're going to be able to do well on that test tomorrow if you stay out until midnight on a school night? Again, I know that can be really hard for parents because sometimes the kids are just like, woohoo, I'm going to stay out until 1 in the morning. And again, it's more of that conversation of saying, what do you think is reasonable? And if they come back with 1 a.m. On a school night, we can say, well, I don't know if that's reasonable, but what if we just like negotiate this time? What if it's like 11.30

11:07 - 11:44
Speaker 2: or something like that, right? And again, it varies widely with children. And that would not be a blanket recommendation because some kids just do not function well if they don't get sleep. But when it's a conversation of, well, what do you think is reasonable? They want to take the car and they want to drive 30 minutes away and they just got their license. Well, what do you think is reasonable? Asking questions, getting curious. What are you going to do if the car breaks down and you know that I'm 30 minutes away? Or just think about some

11:44 - 12:17
Speaker 2: of the potential, especially you're going to have to drive on the highway and you might not be as familiar with some of those roads that you would be on. What do you think about that? Because when you start to ask the questions, instead of just saying, nope, you're not going there, that's 30 minutes away, you just got your license, inside to a teenager, that's a challenge. Unless there are some teenagers that are more compliant and a little more fearful, but to many teenagers that's like, oh really? You told me I couldn't go. Well guess what? Now

12:17 - 12:23
Speaker 2: I'm going to go do it and I'm not going to tell you. That is so good and you're right, that

12:23 - 13:07
Cheryl-Host: would be hard for some parents to really navigate, but I challenge you to think about this because it even just us talking about it made me go, oh, like, oh, that gives it some space for conversation, which is not an argument. And it's not to say you're not the boss, but it is to say that you are now building what we all need is collaboration skills. Right. And, and setting, and I think, you know, when they're going to take their car, we're going to make these decisions by setting out really clear expectations, your clear expectations, and

13:07 - 13:28
Cheryl-Host: maybe their clear expectations and be able to, like you said, question, ask, what do you think, and putting all the scenarios in front of them. That's really helpful. That makes me feel like, oh, it would be a much easier conversation than this is just you're just, you know, the old because I said so is so done. Oh,

13:28 - 13:30
Speaker 2: done. Right.

13:30 - 14:09
Cheryl-Host: You know, having power over your king, because I said so, because that's the way it is, because none of that is helpful. Because now you're raising someone who is afraid of you. You're also raising someone who learns that power over is how we deal with people. Right. And it does not foster well for the rest of their lives. So every time we have these growth conversations, it's not for now. It's not for tomorrow. It's forever. Right. And what better skills can we give our kids, especially like you said, you work in the colleges. So you've got

14:09 - 14:40
Cheryl-Host: this kid in grade 9 who has these type of skills by the time to get to college. I can collaborate with my peers at school. Now I can live on my own in a dorm. Now I can do all of these things based on skills I've built, not because I've been scared shitless. Because that's the way it's done. Like we're done, we're not parenting the way we used to parent and we're not parenting the way we were parented. Maybe it worked in 1962, it's not working now. And I would say too, that

14:42 - 15:14
Speaker 2: it starts early with giving them the opportunity for choices. So anybody that's listening to this, think about the younger kids that you have. If your kids are a little bit older and you're kind of like, oh no, I missed the opportunity. It's okay, start now. But anytime that you can give them the choice, anytime that they have the independence. So you're going somewhere, it's like, well, do you want to wear, you know, your blue coat or your red coat? Or do you want to wear your flip flops or your tennis shoes? Whatever. Right. You know, the

15:14 - 15:52
Speaker 2: little choices for your snack. Do you want apples or do you want oranges? When they get to make silly little decisions like that, we don't care necessarily what shoes they wear or whether they eat apples or oranges, but it fosters this ability for them to make choices. Kids that are in authoritarian households where it's always you're going to do what I say, when I say it, when I say jump, don't ask how high, just start jumping, that sort of thing, then what happens is they don't, those kids don't know how to make choices for themselves because

15:52 - 16:26
Speaker 2: they've been told what to do. So the potential for them to be out in the real world and have, let's say somebody who is a friend who's maybe making a poor choice, they want to do drugs or something, right? And now, I mean, that might be kind of extreme, but all of a sudden, they have this other person here who's saying, well, you should do this. We're all doing this. If they don't have confidence in their own decision making, they're more likely to follow someone like that. And so then all of a sudden, they end up,

16:26 - 16:57
Speaker 2: you know, doing drugs, drinking, whatever smoking, doing something that they know they shouldn't and they know would be against, you know, what mom and dad would want them to do. But because they're so, they lack the confidence in their own ability to make a choice, because they've been told what to do all the time, then they end up making a poor choice because they're just like, well, I don't really know what to do. And this person's telling me I should do this. So I'm going to do it. And that I hope resonates with people and scares

16:57 - 17:24
Speaker 2: you just a little bit because we want kids who can make choices for themselves and feel good about saying, no, that's not something I want to do and I'm not going to do it. And I think I'm going to go home now. Or I think I'm going, you know, I I'm just going to leave because I don't want to be at this party or I don't want to be a part of any of this. It could be vandalism, right? It doesn't, you know, it could be anything where you know that it's a bad choice. When you

17:24 - 17:37
Speaker 2: feel more comfortable and strong and confident in your choice making, then you're more likely to say no to some of those things that they might be faced with that they know are wrong, some things that may be illegal.

17:38 - 18:06
Cheryl-Host: That was a mic drop. That was a mic drop. If you don't teach them how to make choices, they won't know how to make choices in the moment when they absolutely need to. They're not going to have that little, you know, person on their shoulder going, you know how to make this choice, you know what's right and wrong. I think that's, I think it's amazing. What a great way to put that. Okay, so we let them make a choice and it's an epic fail. How are we handling the epic fail?

18:07 - 18:44
Speaker 2: So this is an opportunity to grow and and this is where as parents I know it can be difficult but It's the opportunity for us to come alongside them and again, ask questions. So what were you thinking when you decided to drive that fast in the rain and you ended up sliding off the road or something? What was going on in your mind? And asking some questions. The more that we, and I know this is so difficult, and I'm not saying that I've never made this mistake of, or made the mistake of going, what in the

18:44 - 19:19
Speaker 2: world are you thinking, right? Because we're human. Guilty, guilty. Exactly. And so completely not, you know, not trying to say I've never done that. But more of the I don't understand, or can you help me understand this? Because you had a friend in the car and you put their life in danger and this is our property and you, you know, whatever you put your life in danger too. And then of course, you know, this is like, you know, damaging property and whatever, right? All the different things and asking the questions and getting them to think. The

19:19 - 19:58
Speaker 2: more that we yell at kids and the more that we come down on them, the more power of our power that we give away. Because then, And the less responsibility that they have for their decision Does that make sense? It makes so much sense because it could be the little things right of Trying to think let's just say not getting up for school on time. Okay, simple thing, not the end of the world. No one's going to get hurt by that. It's, you know, but it's, if it's every single day I have to come in here

19:58 - 20:29
Speaker 2: and wake you up and you're not doing what you're supposed to do and you need to be responsible. Well, all that does is foster a fight and, and, and it, and maybe even some resentment rather than, Hey, I know you've got this, maybe we need to go to bed just a little bit earlier. Maybe, you know, set your alarm or set an extra alarm or something like that, or maybe you shouldn't have music, maybe you need something that makes some god-awful noise that will get you to jump out of bed. But, hey, remember, this is a

20:29 - 20:57
Speaker 2: responsibility for you, and I know that you can do it And so I've had to wake you up the last couple days let's just make a few adjustments so we can make this happen and With that if we go in yelling, they're just like yeah. Yeah, whatever. I don't care. You know, I don't care mom I don't care dad. I'll get up. I'll get up when I want to get up. And when it's more of the encouragement and I believe in you, let's come up with a strategy. What is the problem of why it's more difficult

20:57 - 21:17
Speaker 2: to wake up? And remember that, hey, you're growing up, you have responsibilities and in a few years, you might be going off to college or something and just kind of that sort of responsibility that you have. And when they know that it's their responsibility and when we don't take it on ourselves, it's so important.

21:18 - 21:52
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, And even then in the same type of conversations, you know, here's the expectation. You're expected to be out of bed and in the car by 08:00. And if that doesn't happen, What's hard about that? What is hard? It could be something we you are not even thinking about that it's hard. You just don't know and unless you're engaging in these conversations and digging deep sometimes it's not you know it's not a 5 minutes fix. It's tell me what's hard about that. What is your expectation? Well, whatever it is, I think I hate my first class

21:52 - 22:15
Cheryl-Host: or I get bullied at the bus stop or it could be anything that you have right idea unless you're asking the questions. Yes, coming up anything with curiosity is so helpful. And it fosters such a feeling of care because you are asking, they're participating. It's not a, this is the way things are going to go.

22:15 - 22:44
Speaker 2: And you brought up a really good point because there can be those times where maybe they're being bullied at the bus stop or something and they don't want to say anything and Or or there could be something going on at school and when we yell Then they really don't want to talk to us about it. But when we say, Hey, you used to love going to school, and now it just seems like something has changed, you know, tell me about it. Because, because then they might open up and they might tell us more about it. And

22:44 - 23:15
Speaker 2: then when we find out they're being bullied at the bus stop. Well, okay, that that's changes the game, right? Because now I get why. And so thinking about what's driving the behavior, rather than just I'm being lazy, and I'm a teenager, and I don't want to get up in the morning, right? Which is which is normal for teenagers to not want to get up in the morning because that's not there's circadian rhythm Really high schoolers should really have school between like 10 a.m. And 6 p.m. Or True because of their

23:15 - 23:55
Cheryl-Host: scientifically known that that's how it works and yet we don't change anything in the school system. No. That's I'm no longer in the school system. Yes. So we're talking about creating this environment of you know there's there's some structure and there's some freedom. There's, you know, I did an episode on helicopter parenting, where you're just like smothering, you're making all the decisions, you are fixing everything. And it's a problem. It's like episode 1, 2 or 3 at the beginning of the whole series. And, you know, coming from working in the school high school system for 25

23:55 - 24:26
Cheryl-Host: years, I sought over and over and over again. And what I saw at the end was kids who not only don't know how to make a decision, but they don't know how to handle the consequence of something happening. So we have a kid who you've made their lunch for them every day, they forgot their lunch, you drove it to school, they forgot their homework, oh, you drove it to school, they don't like their teacher, I'm going to go home to school, I'm going to switch teachers, shall I go on? It was my life for 25 years.

24:26 - 24:56
Cheryl-Host: And it's so frustrating because now I see these kids graduate and they go off to university or college and they fail their first class or their first exam and they have no idea how to function. 0. You know you're in the college, you know that's a problem in college. They have no idea how to manage. I made that decision and now I have no idea what to do. I'm stuck. Right. So can you speak to that?

24:57 - 25:33
Speaker 2: Yes and I have seen that countless times And a good example I have is so my 2 older girls had experienced something years ago and this, it was another person, another teenager or they weren't teens at the time, but this thing happened in this teenage girl, this something had happened and the mom called and was like, oh my goodness, I just feel so bad and whatever. And I said, you know what? I said, I'm kind of glad my girls experienced this because 1, they weren't hurt. That would be a different story. But I said, when they're

25:33 - 26:06
Speaker 2: that age and they are thinking about maybe doing something or like this other girl had done, I want them to think about this situation and I want them to think about doing it differently. I want them to remember how they felt in this. I don't want them to not experience things that are hurtful. I mean, I don't want them to get hurt, but at the same time, like life brings hurt, right? There are things that are going to happen. And so, and in my family, we have experienced a lot of tragedies and near tragedies and so

26:06 - 26:34
Speaker 2: many things over the years that it's just kind of crazy. If I told you my whole entire story, you'd be like, oh my goodness. In some ways, like how are you not in a mental hospital? But it's, but just because there's just been so, so many different things that we've had to deal with. And there was another situation that, and someone was like, aren't you just so worried? I said, you know what? I don't want my daughter to have to go through this, but at the same time I want her to learn through this and I

26:34 - 27:07
Speaker 2: want and I and I want her to grow through this and we cannot keep them from experiencing some failure. Some, I mean as a college professor, years ago I was told you really shouldn't grade with a red pen because red is is a is a negative and if you write Corrections or things like that in a red pen that that's going to just be devastating to the student And I was like a red pen with corrections and I was so shocked. They said, you can use green or purple or blue, but not red because red is,

27:07 - 27:38
Speaker 2: it has this connotation of like the big red F on the paper or something, right? And I was like, wow. And so That's where, again, it starts early, letting them fall off their bike. I mean, if we're there and can catch them, of course we're not going to just intentionally let them get hurt. But- Give them a little push. Yeah, give them a little push, right? No. No, But if things like that happen, like, okay, we're going to make sure you're okay, we're going to take care of you, and you know what? We're going to get

27:38 - 28:14
Speaker 2: back on that bike because that's life and you are spot on. I see it time and again where there's difficulty handling their first F or even their first B minus to be you know honest I mean it's not the F it's the first time they haven't maybe gotten an A or something and or the first time something hasn't gone their way and at the college level we actually call it lawnmower parenting not helicopter parenting because we even have we even have parents of college students who are trying to be involved in so many things. And so

28:14 - 28:34
Speaker 2: the lawnmower is like right there to pick them up, you know, before anything can possibly happen. And that's a really horrible thing for our kids because they, I mean, I'm a Gen Xer. So, you know, we were in a generation where it's just like, don't come in the house until, you know, if you lived in the city until the streetlights come on

28:34 - 28:34
Cheryl-Host: or

28:34 - 29:12
Speaker 2: until, you know, until, you know, mom yells out later or whatever for dinner. And you just went out and you didn't have cell phones. They didn't know where you were at or what you were doing or whether you were even still alive. So maybe we need a happy medium. But, but that's where how are you supposed to learn to navigate through life if you are never allowed to fail? And that's a hard thing for parents. But if they fail in some little things, whether it's failing, you know, like not doing their homework or something, I had

29:12 - 29:45
Speaker 2: this with 1 of my girls in kindergarten with a project that she was doing. And I said, Honey, I'm not doing this project for you. And, and some different things happened and was using watercolors. And I said, you should really use a pencil didn't want to listen. Well, somebody accidentally spilled something on the project. And guess what? Watercolors go away when something spills on it. And so all of a sudden this big project was due in a couple of days, kindergarten big project, right? And was due in a couple of days and I just said, I

29:45 - 30:15
Speaker 2: will help you because you don't know how to read. And I needed to write some things out, but I'm not redoing this for you. We talked about this. And right then and there, my kindergartner was just like, oh, mom, serious, she's really not doing this for me. And I need to get this turned in." I said, you're going to have to explain to your teacher why you don't have this project done. And all of a sudden it was like, oh, that's not happening. And so she got it done. And guess what? She's never done that again.

30:15 - 30:18
Speaker 2: Yeah. Huh. Huh. Like, final surprise.

30:19 - 30:53
Cheryl-Host: And you know, just to put even a different, Well, here's a pet peeve I had. I was in the guidance department as well as the spec Ed department and I had every, every September, I would have a slew of parents saying, oh, Johnny got Mrs. Blah, blah, blah. And I heard Mrs. Blah, blah, blah. Does it mark properly? And is it nice? And then the neighbor's teacher, the neighbor's kid's daughter's cousin had her and she didn't like her. And I just stop right there. I absolutely will never pull a kid out of a class because mom

30:53 - 31:29
Cheryl-Host: or the kid doesn't like the teacher because we're now building people skills. And My usual conversation is, so when they get their first job and they hate their supervisor, at what point are you going in? Oh, you're not. So then what are they going to do? Come on. So any parent listening right now, please, this is still September, stop phoning the school and asking for a different teacher, unless you have a very valid reason, like they threw a chair across the room. But not liking a teacher or hearing they mark terribly or they don't do what

31:29 - 32:00
Cheryl-Host: you, that's not, not an option. We're not doing that. That's, sorry, Pat P big time. But I also wanna say when we're not allowing our kids to make decisions and to fail, learn, whatever you wanna call it, I feel like we're also saying to them, I don't have any faith in you. I don't have faith in you that you know how to do this right. I don't have faith in you that you can fix this. I don't have faith in you that you're going to get your homework. I don't have faith in you. I think it's

32:00 - 32:29
Cheryl-Host: a very strong message that we don't think about on the other side. You're thinking, oh, I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want him to be hungry and want him to be cold. I want him to have all his friends. But on the other end, you've got this kid looking at you going, don't you trust I can make this decision? Don't you trust me in making this choice? You don't have faith in me? And if parents, if they, you know, understand that their parents don't have faith in them, where do they go from there?

32:30 - 33:05
Cheryl-Host: Because that's your core, right? Right. Dad, caregiver, whoever it is. So I think that's a really good, you know, if they're going to make a decision or they've had an epic fail or you feel like you want to swoop in and fix something, maybe the conversation as an extension to what you have said, I'm curious of what we're thinking is also, I have faith that you can fix this. I have faith. I'm here. I got your back. But I'm not pulling you along. I'm behind you pushing you up. Yes. I started to think that, you know,

33:05 - 33:42
Cheryl-Host: we move from, you know, up to maybe 12 years old. We move from parent to maybe more of a coaching role. So we're, you know, we're still the leader, we're still the guide, we're still making the final decision, we still want them obviously to be safe and played by the rules. However, if we're coaching somebody, we're coaching from behind, we're lifting them up like a good leader does. And I think sometimes if, you know, you take that pause, something's happening in the house, and you are able to pause for a minute, notice what you're thinking, and

33:42 - 33:52
Cheryl-Host: then choose again, That's a very good, very quick way to go. Maybe this isn't how I want to say something.

33:53 - 34:31
Speaker 2: Right, and we use a rewind method in our house. So it's kind of and it goes for both my husband and I and the kids, is that if they come down the stairs and it's, why did you? And there's kind of some sort of sass. Sometimes I'll just, okay, why don't you just rewind and let's just try that again. And sometimes they begrudgingly turn around and kind of come down the stairs, mom, I'm kind of mad that you whatever. And then we can have a conversation, but they have permission to say that to my husband and

34:31 - 35:04
Speaker 2: I as well, and to say, mom, I think you need to rewind. And there's been a number of times because we are role models. And so they're looking at the decisions we're making and how we're processing those decisions and it's important for them to see that. But we also, if we expect something from our kids for them to apologize, for them to ask forgiveness, whatever the case might be, we need to be willing to do that too. So if my kids say, mom, I think you need to rewind. I've done that before and it's like, okay,

35:04 - 35:40
Speaker 2: I just step back out and come back in. I'm sorry, I had a very busy, stressful day at work and I overreacted to that. I'm frustrated because I've asked you 3 times to do whatever and it's still not done. And maybe I shouldn't have yelled, but this is a responsibility that you have and you have been asked to do it and it is an expectation. And so that's really important because, you know, We teach them responsibility and we teach them these decision making skills and their ability to get control of their emotions even when they're really

35:40 - 36:12
Speaker 2: upset and to have a conversation. But we have to be willing to do that too. And it's not always easy as a parent. And there are maybe sometimes where it's just like, you know what, I'm sorry, but in this instance, you know, you put someone's life in danger. And so that was a quick reaction, But that I needed to have just for, you know, you were about to run out into the street or something, you know, after a ball and I had to yell that way, but totally different than if it's just yelling for no reason

36:13 - 36:44
Speaker 2: when we can communicate in an appropriate way. Because what we model is, is what we, you know, is what they're going to do. And so sometimes we just need to take a look at what our kids are doing and the decisions they're making and then reflect back and go, wait, are they seeing me do that? Are they seeing me get up for work and go, oh man, you know, I wish I didn't have to go to work. I'm not saying we're not going to feel that way, but if they see that in us all the time,

36:44 - 37:01
Speaker 2: well, what's going to prevent them from being that way about school, rather than thinking, I get to go to school, I get to go to work, I get to drive in traffic and having a different sort of mindset. And sometimes we have to fake it till we make it, right?

37:02 - 37:37
Cheryl-Host: Yes, listen, I'm not here to say all this stuff is easy. Parenting is so effing hard. It's the hardest frickin thing you will ever do. And for those who are sitting there going, no, I'm just, you know, even in some of the groups, I see this, you know, anonymous post on Facebook, say I give up, they're, they're gone, I got to kick them out. I can't, I get, you know, if you're still trying, you're not failing. So if you're on these Facebook groups asking questions, having comments, to me, that's still trying. You're still

37:37 - 37:37
Speaker 2: reaching out.

37:37 - 37:54
Cheryl-Host: You're still asking for help. It's never, never, never too late. There's help out there. And I totally validate, It is not easy. It is just so hard from beginning to end and you will always find a reason how you screwed up It doesn't matter what happened

37:56 - 38:28
Speaker 2: Right, right. Here's the list Yes, and it is definitely not about perfection at all because we are human everyone's going to make mistakes We want them to extend grace to us, we need to extend grace to them. And oh, that was maybe not the best decision, was it? And then they're kind of like, no, it wasn't. Okay, well, how do you think we could do this better next time? And again, I'll go back to we also do need to have our boundaries, right? There, I mean, if there's something that's really important to us, and, you know,

38:28 - 39:01
Speaker 2: having boundaries are good, having hard set rules where it feels like prison or something in your home, not going to be good. And so we definitely want to have a little bit of that fluctuation. And there are times where There have been times with my kids where I might say no to something. And then it was just like, well, why? And I give them opportunity to say, well, why did you say no about that? Well, you know what? I just feel like this is going on and this is so busy. And if you go there for

39:01 - 39:33
Speaker 2: the sleepover, sleepovers shouldn't be called that because people don't sleep. And I know because of the responsibilities that we have and in the next couple of days, you can go hang out with that friend, but just the sleepover is just not a great idea right now. And, but maybe another time, right? And so it's not, again, it's not allowing them to ask the question on, well, why did you say no to that? Or, or maybe we're not just saying a flat out no, but just saying, you know, I think it'd be a better idea to do

39:33 - 40:02
Speaker 2: that a different time. This weekend's so busy. And if you have that sleepover on Friday night, it's just, it's just going to, you know, make the rest of the weekend a hot mess. Let's just plan that a different time. Let's just hang out and do, you know, Why don't you just hang out with your friend for a while? And so then again, it's conversation, right? And it's an opportunity for them to think about it and go, yeah, you're right, because we'd probably be up till 4 in the morning and then tomorrow I have to go, you

40:02 - 40:04
Speaker 2: know, I don't know, do whatever.

40:05 - 40:46
Cheryl-Host: And you know, when you're yelling, when you have that reaction, that trigger reaction, that you feel like you just gotta yell, and I've done it. And I've literally just walked away going to me believe I just I feel gross and If we have that moment to pause and go where's this coming from Just that little pause will allow you to go Was the shit day my boss is a jerk. I didn't get paid Whatever then you know you if you take that little pause it can change everything. And I tell you, if as a parent, if

40:46 - 41:19
Cheryl-Host: all you do is yell, they do not hear you. I'm telling you, they do not hear you. The quieter you talk, the more they have to lean in because they can't hear you. So they're leaning in. What happens when we get on a call and we can't hear somebody or we're in a meeting and we can't hear somebody? We don't just start walking around. We lean in. We want to hear what they have to say. Well, hopefully they want to hear what we have to say. But You know, it's almost that whole adage, you know, choose

41:19 - 41:53
Cheryl-Host: the hill you die on. If there is, you know, this is a hard value for me. This is a moral issue for me. Going to the library or going out with your friend here, that's, that can be negotiated. But there are hard values and hard, you know, the hills to die on. But if you are constantly, I'm telling you, if you're constantly yelling at your kid, they might be looking at you. Their hair might be blowing back in their face, but they do not hear a word you say. All they know is that it's power. And

41:53 - 42:02
Cheryl-Host: power is not the way to parent or learn. Scaring the crap out of your kids to the point where they just don't listen anymore, it's not effective.

42:03 - 42:07
Speaker 2: Right. I always think of Charlie Brown's teacher, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

42:08 - 42:09
Cheryl-Host: Yes, yes.

42:09 - 42:41
Speaker 2: And then not hearing, yes, not hearing those words at all. And that's so important because sometimes it's the when different things are happening in our lives and we have just so many different things, right? And work can be stressful and we're trying to put food on the table and pay for things and take care of things. And then let's just say that, you know, our 16 year old ends up with a speeding ticket. And now all of a sudden we're going, well, great. Now, now you gotta pay it, we gotta pay the ticket and now our

42:41 - 43:15
Speaker 2: insurance will probably go up because it was however many points on the insurance and different things. But, and so then yelling like, why were you speeding? And you know better than that when we know darn well that we speed, right? We do it and whether or not we got, but instead saying, being able to say, Well, okay, think about the choice, right? But also saying, all right, so now what are you going to do to earn the money to pay for this ticket and to pay for the extra insurance? Because that's the other piece of it

43:15 - 43:35
Speaker 2: that parents often miss. All of a sudden, something has happened and it could be something different than a speeding ticket. They could get mad and punch a wall and now there's a hole in the wall. Well, what are you going to do to fix that? You need to get some drywall. You need to get some spackle. You need to get the right color paint. You might have to repaint the whole entire wall because you can't just paint 1 little circle and it's

43:35 - 43:36
Cheryl-Host: not right.

43:38 - 44:12
Speaker 2: And they need to be responsible for that. We're not taking that on. So what's your plan now to pay for these things? Because paying for increased insurance, especially for young men because their insurance is already so high and adding something in. Now, how are you going to make up this difference? We were willing to pay, let's just say, I don't know, a hundred dollars a month. And just to throw out an easy number, $100 a month for your car insurance and you are responsible for 40 of that and now it's going to double. So how are

44:12 - 44:37
Speaker 2: you going to pay for all that extra because this is what we're willing to do. So you might have to get an extra job, you might have to do some extra projects and go help whatever, you know, go help neighbors and, and shovel their snow or whatever. Right. And, and when we do it that way, rather than just going, well, being mad and saying, well, now I'm going to have to pay this ticket and now your insurance and now this is going to cost me more hours at work. I'm going to have to work more overtime.

44:37 - 45:00
Speaker 2: No, no parents. No, it is their responsibility. And if they, if they can go and do that and get the ticket, then they can go and drive themselves to that extra job or to those extra hours at their job to pay for those things. We might pay for it upfront just because things have to be paid for right away, but then it's like we're keeping a ledger.

45:02 - 45:31
Cheryl-Host: Absolutely. That's so, so good. I feel like we could go on for another 5 hours. So, okay, this has been so good. This has been so good, you know, and it really sticks in my brain when you said we have to allow them to learn how to make decisions because we're going to get in a spot where they, it's such a golden nugget as probably 20 other things you said. Tell us Jamie, how do we work with you? How do we find you? How do we learn more from Jamie?

45:32 - 46:09
Speaker 2: Yes. So I have a website drkswellness.com and that's drkswellness.com and there it has all different information about what I do and who I am. I also have a private Facebook group called Health Wellness and Vitality with Dr. K. And I have a Facebook page as well as an Instagram page which is Dr. K's Wellness so you can find me there. And I do have a free quick and healthy meal prep guide and a free mindful eating guide if someone wants that. I know Cheryl's gonna be sending those links. And with that, those are some things where

46:09 - 46:27
Speaker 2: when we're navigating parenting and teenagers who are random with their eating, sometimes it can be really helpful if we just kind of have a guide like that that can help us. It has 2 weeks of meal plans, a grocery list, everything, and that just kind of takes something else off of our minds to have to really think about.

46:28 - 47:06
Cheryl-Host: I love it. This has been such a great conversation, and it's so vital. It is just we need to be you know shifting our mindset on parenting now and you know we just like I said we can't parent the way we were parented. It just doesn't work. Times have changed. Things are different. You know, you wouldn't go have brain surgery from a surgeon from 1964. You would have you know, you would probably tap into the 2024 specialist. So times have changed and we need to make those shifts. And it's, you know, not just to parent, but

47:06 - 47:41
Cheryl-Host: you want relationships with these human beings. You know, you don't, so many times I hear parents, oh my God, I can't wait till these teen years are over. When are they leaving? And I get so sad because there's so much value in the connections you can make with your teenagers if you just have a little shift in your parenting mindset. So I really appreciate Jamie being here and sharing your expertise with us. I love the work that you're doing. I wish there was more people like you in the world doing this, because that's what we absolutely

47:42 - 48:14
Cheryl-Host: need. And for that, I thank you for listening. Please, you know, share this episode because if you don't know a teen or you don't know someone who knows a teen, you know someone who knows someone who loves a teen and you can always help. You can always give support. And this is what this podcast is for just to make life a little better and you know, your relationships at home, loving and kind and fun and enjoyable and not wishing the time away. So thank you so much, Jamie. Thank you for listening to Teen Minds Redefined and

48:14 - 48:16
Cheryl-Host: we will Catch you next time.