#54  "Navigating Gaming with Teens: A New Perspective" with Velma Gentzsch

In this enlightening episode of Teen Minds Redefined, we dive deep into the complex relationship between teenagers and video gaming. Host Cheryl is joined byVelma Gentzsch, a certified hand-in-hand parenting instructor and former executive director for hand-in-hand parenting. Together, they explore the potential of gaming as a tool for connection and learning, rather than just a source of conflict. Velma shares her personal journey of engaging with her son through video games and discusses valuable lessons learned about resilience, growth mindset, and the importance of fostering a strong parent-teen relationship.

Bio

 Velma Gentzsch, a certified Hand in Hand Parenting Instructor and former Executive Director of Hand in Hand Parenting. Velma’s journey into the world of gaming began when she first picked up a controller alongside her 8-year-old son. What started as a simple attempt to connect with her child transformed into a powerful tool for building cooperation and trust. Velma learned that video games, often seen as a source of conflict, could actually bring families closer together. Now, she's on a mission to help parents like you find the joy in gaming and create a more peaceful, cooperative home environment.

Key Takeaways:

• Understanding the addictive nature of video games and social media.
• How gaming can serve as a platform for connection and communication between parents and teens.
• The significance of adopting a growth mindset and embracing the learning process.
• Practical tips for parents on managing gaming time and fostering healthy habits.
• Resources for parents to navigate gaming challenges, including online classes and community support.

Guest Information:

• Velma Gentzsch, Certified Hand-in-Hand Parenting Instructor
• Website: https://www.mamamavel.com/
• Follow Velma on her Twitch stream and YouTube channel for live gaming sessions with her son.

Call to Action: If you found this episode valuable, please subscribe to Teen Minds Redefined on your favorite podcast platform. Share this episode with fellow parents who may be struggling with gaming-related issues. For more insights and resources, visit Velma's website and sign up for her email list for weekly tips and anecdotes. Let’s transform the conversation around gaming and strengthen our relationships with our teens!

Hashtags: #TeenMindsRedefined #ParentingTips #VideoGaming #GamingWithTeens #GrowthMindset #Resilience #ParentingPodcast #HandInHandParenting #FamilyConnection #HealthyGaming #TeenDevelopment #DigitalParenting #GamingCommunity #ParentingAdvice 

Where to find Cheryl!

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heryl-Host: If gaming in your house is the vein of your existence, this is the episode for you. Are you arguing with your team about getting off the game, stopping the game? Is it become something that you just can't manage anymore. I have a guest for you who not only nails why we can work with our teens and make connections through gaming in a whole different way and she nails all our concerns. Our concerns about being social, sitting on the couch, never doing anything else with their life, being addicted, never getting off, never getting things done. She talks

00:43 - 01:20
Cheryl-Host: about the most valuable lessons. There's connection and there's how they learn to fail. That was, that just blew my mind. So if gaming is a conversation that you are sick of having in your house, you need to keep listening. You are going to get so many hands on tips and tricks and how to work with Velma if things just aren't going your way. It's time for a paradigm shift in parenting, especially our teens. We need to stop wishing those years away just because we can't manage our relationships. This is gold. You're welcome. Welcome to another episode

01:20 - 02:00
Cheryl-Host: of Teen Minds Redefined the Sanctuary for parents navigating those complex issues of raising teenagers. And today, we are diving into a topic that is close to your heart and probably the 1 you hate talking about the most, video gaming. Joining us is Velma 
,  a certified hand-in-hand parenting instructor and former executive director for hand-in-hand parenting. And Velma's gonna tell you all about her journey, but I am so excited about having this topic because I don't think it's going to be what you're thinking as a listener. It is going to be very different. So welcome Velma. I'm

02:00 - 02:01
Cheryl-Host: so glad you're

02:01 - 02:07
Velma-Guest: here. Thank you. I'm very glad to be here. I love talking about this topic.

02:08 - 02:15
Cheryl-Host: It's so good. Well, I want to hear about your story first before I dive into like the 87, 000 questions I have for you.

02:17 - 03:07
Velma-Guest: Great. Well, I'll start focusing on my story on gaming and screens. With modern parenting, that obviously starts young because screens are a part of our lives. And I was 1 of those typical super mom overachieving types who like didn't want my kid on screens, but I was also really isolated and didn't have a lot of help and had to make peace with like the iPad being my village sometimes. So for many years as when my son was younger, screens and like the little games were all very heavily curated by me. And most of the time I

03:07 - 03:53
Velma-Guest: was with him while he was doing those. And then around 8 years old, things shifted and he got into Minecraft. And Minecraft was a world I could not keep up with. As much as I tried. And he went off and he was having a great time. And thankfully by then, I had a really solid foundation in the hand-in-hand parenting by connection tools. I discovered that when he was a toddler and it has made a huge difference in our lives. And so I kept that up and I applied those tools specifically special time to his screen time.

03:53 - 04:17
Velma-Guest: So I brought curiosity and I brought enthusiasm and I brought like an openness to what he was doing and what he was loving about video games and Minecraft in specific and it's evolved into many other things since then he's now gonna be he's going to be 14 in a month it's crazy

04:19 - 04:20
Cheryl-Host: So

04:23 - 04:45
Velma-Guest: I spent a couple of years, like 8 to 10, when he was 8, just 8 to 10, like just kind of watching and observing and attempting to learn about gaming, video games. And then pandemic happened, we're homeschooling, we're like isolated. I'm like, he's like, mom, will you play with me? And I'm like, okay.

04:47 - 04:49
Cheryl-Host: I feel you, I feel you.

04:50 - 05:29
Velma-Guest: I didn't grow up playing video games at all. And I had an uneasy peace with screen time and gaming. And I had brought curiosity to it but I also had a lot of the typical hang-ups of like oh my god this is going to ruin my kid he's never going to figure out how to have a conversation or have other activities or be physically active at all. So I had all of those and I'm like, is my playing with him going to encourage this in a really bad way? And well, I played with him. And none

05:29 - 06:11
Velma-Guest: of those things happened that I was really scared of, thankfully. And some things happened that really surprised me. Video gaming became a way for us to connect. It became a way for us to play together. Like when they're little, it's easy to play. Yeah. Walks or cars or trains or Play-Doh. But when they're older, it can be harder to, it was harder for me anyway, to find ways to play with him. And cause the play changed and it's different than when they're little and it's different than when I was that age. So yeah, I started playing

06:11 - 06:53
Velma-Guest: and oh boy, howdy did, was I really, I sucked, I was really bad. So that was really hard for me. It's really hard for me to be bad at stuff. Here in into another hand in hand tool, which is play listening. And that helps me like the idea there is like, let the kid be the expert, but the kid take the more powerful role and like, again, that's easy when they're littler, but that's harder when they're older. But like in video gaming and gaming, that play like that just naturally happened because I was bad. So he

06:54 - 07:29
Velma-Guest: like got to teach me, he got to help me learn, he got to build his patience with me being a beginner. I got to build my patience with me being a beginner. And I got to practice those things that I wanted him to learn, which was growth mindset and beginner's mind and like resilience. I got to show up again and again and allow myself to learn. So fast forward to now. So that's like ages 10 to 12. And I'm like, ages 12, 13. Like, and now like, I'm realizing, like, what I did was a bit unusual.

07:30 - 08:17
Velma-Guest: Yeah. Yeah, What I've learned a year and a half ago, I started playing video games by myself. What? I know. On purpose? On purpose. What is happening? And then, Like, I'm like, okay. And I started learning so much about resilience and practice and creativity and like encountering all of my limitations. And I realized that if this was happening for me, this was happening for him and this had been happening for him and my kid was learning so much beautiful stuff. Yeah. And I could see it. I could see his creativity and I could see his dedication

08:18 - 08:52
Velma-Guest: and determination and his ability to keep trying, which is not something that I really had. Like I was just, if I'm not naturally good at this, I'm not going to do it. So Video games has given me a healthier relationship with failure. And that is 1 of the things that has allowed me to even start this business and go and to try this out as a message that I want to get out there to people. So that's the in-depth, shorter version of my story.

08:54 - 09:09
Cheryl-Host: You've hit on so many things there that I just want to say first of all, before we start losing people in the sense that, oh, but my kids 14, my kids 15, my kids 16, it's too late for me. Is it too late?

09:09 - 09:12
Velma-Guest: No. Okay. No.

09:12 - 09:15
Cheryl-Host: So keep listening because we got all the stuff here that you need to hear.

09:17 - 10:00
Velma-Guest: I will tell you why it's not too late. Yes do it. Okay so my kid has friends over occasionally and they're like and they're 13, 14. They're eighth graders boys and they're like can you can you mama-mavel my mom? Can you teach her about video games? And I went we went to TwitchCon, which is a big convention for people who most people who stream video games do it on Twitch, and there's a big convention when like, and I would talk to people about what I was doing. And they would 20 somethings 30 somethings would their universal

10:01 - 10:33
Velma-Guest: response was, oh my God, can you work with my mom? Can you talk to my parents? So what I learned from that is that teenagers, 20-somethings, 30-somethings, all of us really want to be able to connect with our parents, with the people we love and share the things that we love with them. And for a lot of people, gaming is is is a love. It's a play that they have a really deep relationship with.

10:34 - 11:06
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's so good. Why is it so important for parents to understand the whole video game and what they're playing? Like, why is it important for parents to understand this? And I say this because, and I say this because I almost every episode, here's the shift. Maybe it worked 40 years ago. We can't parent like our parents parented. We're done with that. So we need to shift. We need to change, you know, the shift that paradigm. Tell us why this is important in the first place.

11:07 - 11:47
Velma-Guest: Okay, well, the paradigm shift that I ask people, parents, to make first is to respect video games as valid play. Yeah, it's not a play that we often grew up with. Or if we did, it was like, our parents didn't know how to relate to this thing that was so foreign and so new and like, we're just like shut out from it and had a lot of fights often with siblings or brothers or yourself. So like, it, it, it, like now though, it was valid play then, but it wasn't understood. Now it's more universal

11:48 - 12:07
Cheryl-Host: and it is completely valid play. Minecraft, like Fortnite, Roblox, completely valid, like as valid as playing house. So when you talked about, you thought, you know, he's not gonna be able to socialize or your son is just going to sit on the couch. Like all of those misconceptions. Talk about those

12:08 - 12:47
Velma-Guest: misconceptions. Okay. So the social 1 is probably the easiest 1 to talk about. Okay. And this is not 1 that I like, you don't understand it until you're looking. But a lot of games, like people want to play by themselves. Sure, people play by themselves, but it is more fun to play with other people. And my kid plays with his friend from school. They play all play video games and they get on a discord call and they are chatting and talking away as if they're in the same room and they're each on their own screens. But

12:47 - 13:10
Velma-Guest: like, I've seen them play in the same room and it sounds exactly the same. Yeah, yeah. So video games are very, very social. And those relationships and those interactions build bonds just like playing kickball. Yeah. Or riding your bikes.

13:11 - 13:37
Cheryl-Host: Can I ask this then because what comes to mind for me is when kids are online playing with other people, not just their friends? Where's the safety net there where our kid isn't playing with a complete stranger identifying themselves as 17 year old Dan is really 45 year old Bob, who's not, you know, doesn't have the best intentions. Are there safety factors there we can put into place?

13:39 - 13:44
Velma-Guest: Absolutely. First of all, most people who game aren't predators.

13:46 - 13:49
Cheryl-Host: Good. Yes. Yes. Second of

13:49 - 14:39
Velma-Guest: all, actually the most important thing is parental connection, parental involvement, parental curiosity about the world of the kid. And knowing that's why, that's 1 of the reasons why knowing their games is really important. And building that trust, the more open the relationship is, when something is fishy, when something is hard, when something is challenging, the kid, the teen, the child will be able to come to you and say, hey, this isn't cool over here. I need some help. And if the parent is like, shaming them for playing video games as much as they play them, then

14:39 - 14:50
Velma-Guest: that creates a disconnect. And it creates hiding. And it creates barriers to that help and safety and connection that the kids want.

14:50 - 15:11
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, they don't want to hear see I told you so. You're right. Like that's such an important thing. If you're connecting and truly bringing on that curiosity, they're not going to be concerned about having these honest conversations with you because you're not going to say, see, told you, turn it off. That's it. We're done. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's so important. What a great point you're making.

15:11 - 15:49
Velma-Guest: Thank you. And like, and the third thing to consider is like the ESRB, which is Entertainment Services Regulation Board or something like that, and like Common Sense Media, they have a lot of resources for helping to understand like parental safety guidelines and how controls work on all the things. That said, if I tried to implement those with my kid who is like a techno genius, he would be able to figure out how to bypass them. Well, like that's why the relationship though is foundational and most important. Like

15:49 - 16:29
Cheryl-Host: that's so good. That's so good. So I think parents are like, yeah, yeah, okay, but how do I get them to stop? And this is not This is not new. This is, you know, I worked in a high school for 25 years and I had, I'm specifically thinking of 1 parent whose kid literally would not stop, like would not stop. And you know, sometimes kids listen to different adults better than they listen to their parents because who are we? He would have to bring me the ethernet cord on Monday morning when they got to school and

16:29 - 16:51
Cheryl-Host: I would return it to him Friday after school. It was that bad. And, and now I'm thinking, okay, let's circle back to the connection piece. But how do we get them to stop when it's time to stop? Because we do know there's an addiction and we do know there's like a hyper focus that kids get into. So how do we deal with that?

16:51 - 16:53
Velma-Guest: There is so much to unpack here.

16:54 - 16:54
Cheryl-Host: Okay.

16:57 - 17:45
Velma-Guest: Let's start by acknowledging that video games and social media and reels and algorithms and all of that are designed to be addictive. They are designed to want to keep you coming back. They are designed to give you that really short, really quick dopamine hit. So acknowledging that is important. And second, it's also important to acknowledge that addiction can happen. And addiction is a specific thing. Addiction is where the activity, whatever activity it is, whether it's gaming or gambling or reading or eating or like any of those things gets in the way of regular life activities. Yeah.

17:45 - 18:02
Velma-Guest: And the way of showing up for your family and the way of sleeping in the way of schoolwork in the way of working and If that is what's happening That's a great time to get professional help Okay,

18:02 - 18:03
Cheryl-Host: mm-hmm

18:04 - 18:34
Velma-Guest: And there are some really good resources for that. HealthyGamer.gg is a really good 1. So that is real. And that is what can happen. And I've also seen that that's not most kids. Most kids do play more than their parents want them to or think it's worth for them to, or then all the authorities say they should be playing. And, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's an addiction.

18:35 - 18:35
Cheryl-Host: Okay.

18:36 - 18:54
Velma-Guest: Did, and to give an idea of what is possible. My kid, he again he's 13, almost 14 plays video games or does computer configuring or building or taking apart like something technological nearly all the time

18:54 - 18:55
Cheryl-Host: yeah

18:55 - 19:34
Velma-Guest: and I will say hey oliver it's time for dinner it's like oh okay And he shuts it off and he comes upstairs. No arguments. And it didn't, it wasn't always that way. But our job as a parent in helping them to stop is helping them build the muscle that it, of stopping, because stopping is a skill. It's such an important skill because it's intended to be addictive. So I have a couple of free webinars on my website that go into more detail about some of these but like there are and common sense media has some really

19:34 - 20:12
Velma-Guest: good resources too. Okay. But if you want to look at like how to get them to stop, if they're like on all the time, Yeah. There are things that you can do. Like if it's, if you need, if they're on all the time, you need a hard reset, take a hard reset, take like a tech screen vacation as a family. We do that occasionally, every couple of months, we like, go on a trip, or we say like, it's Shabbat, we aren't going to do screens tonight, or we're going to go camping this weekend or like it's

20:12 - 20:33
Velma-Guest: family weekend, we're not doing any screens all weekend. And occasionally it's like only if we do them together so you do a hard reset for all of us what that does is it helps reset the brain and Let's the dopamine levels get hit easier instead of having to do more and more and more and more screen time.

20:34 - 20:35
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, that makes sense.

20:36 - 20:41
Velma-Guest: So a reset every now and then is good. That makes ending easier.

20:42 - 20:42
Cheryl-Host: Yeah.

20:44 - 21:23
Velma-Guest: Other things that make ending easier is, well, this is the understanding the game. Oh yeah of course. And coming treating the game and the gamer with respect. So a lot of parents come in and they go okay time stop and that doesn't work because okay this is this is why I like to say games are have an arc. They have a flow and each game has a different arc and a different flow and a different story. And let's say you're playing Fortnite and you're doing co-op with a team. And you're usually those co-op battles are like

21:23 - 21:52
Velma-Guest: 15 minutes or so and you're 8 minutes in, you haven't died yet, your team is still doing good and your mom comes in and you go, Hey, you need to find that off right now. And I'm like, Oh, no, I can't. It's like you don't want to abandon your teammates. You don't want to leave in the middle of the story. And like that would be Like somebody coming in and like you're watching a show and it's 5 minutes before the end of the episode and it's at the climax and the resolution is happening. It's like, oh,

21:52 - 22:01
Velma-Guest: time to turn it off. Yeah. Like that. That's the analogy. Really crappy. Yeah. And it wouldn't make me mad. Yeah.

22:01 - 22:34
Cheryl-Host: And I love how that if you connected enough to know the game, then you, you know, after this and you can use whatever language you need to use during the game. Wow, wouldn't that just be like, oh, okay, like that makes so much sense to me that the kid would totally understand instead of you have 5 minutes. Well, look at where the game is. Oh, okay, at the end of the arc or whatever. I know none of this language, I promise you. Super Mario, that's where I ended my gaming world. But that just makes so much

22:34 - 22:56
Cheryl-Host: sense to just if you know the game, like it's all proactive. If you know the game, then you know where they are in the game. And then you'll know when the easiest time is to the time that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. And you're right. If I was watching a show and you told me I'm pulling the plug 5 minutes before it ends, I wouldn't be happy either. So yeah, I think that's that's so smart. That's so smart.

22:56 - 23:30
Velma-Guest: And there's a lot of little examples for how that out. And another so another big kind of thing to consider is that a lot of kids can have anxiety about when they get to play again. So if they know that, like, hey, you're going to get to play again, I don't think this is evil. It's just like, it's really important for us to like have a good meal together. Like, when your work's done after dinner, you can go play some more. When there's less tension about the game, they're less clingy to the game. My son knows

23:30 - 23:45
Velma-Guest: that he's going to get to play and I'll probably sometimes play with him. Sometimes he asks me to play. We have a great time, which I am really grateful for. I'd like to have a way to have a great time with my teenager.

23:45 - 23:58
Cheryl-Host: Yes, oh my gosh, Yes. Where do you draw the line at a game? Like are there games out there where you're just like, no, we're not playing that game. So for whatever reason or no.

23:58 - 24:38
Velma-Guest: So far, my kid generally doesn't like first person shooter games, SPS are really hard for me. Like stimulating over stimulating, like I have sensory issues. So it's like what would be okay in my family would be different in another family. And so what I say to like, is this game okay? Is that game not okay? Like, this is where get to know the game, get to know your kid, get to know yourself, get like experiment with what works for your family. I'm not going to prescribe no FPS games like that's evil or something. I was like,

24:38 - 25:12
Velma-Guest: a lot of people find that fun. It's like very stimulating and action oriented and I would fail miserably and I'm okay with that. But like, yeah, Yeah. So different people have different comfort levels with things and some may have a gamer dad who really loves Call of Duty. So their kids grew up watching his dad play Call of Duty. So like that's a completely normal thing. So get to know your kid and the game. And if you want to get some context for it, again, go to Common Sense Media or ESRB to look at what the

25:12 - 25:35
Velma-Guest: reviews are, what the ratings are. There are resources out there to help parents kind of decipher and have a conversation with your kid. What do you like about this game? How do you feel when you're playing? How do you feel when you're done playing? Like how does it work? And bring that curiosity and openness to that because it may, you may be surprised.

25:36 - 26:08
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, you know, when my kids were young, it was Vice City and it was not allowed in my house. And do you think they didn't play? Of course they did. They went to their cousins, and they went to their friend. I couldn't handle it. Like I'm so this and this is what I mean, like we can't parent the way we parented, or be parented. It's, it's so different. And when I think about our conversation, I had 0 interest in figuring out what Bay City was. And here's my question for you, because I honestly hate video games.

26:08 - 26:20
Cheryl-Host: I also don't like TV. I just, I don't like it. Can I be as a parent, can I still be the big cheerleader without actually playing the game? Absolutely. So this is something that I

26:20 - 26:48
Velma-Guest: didn't talk about earlier. So there's like ways to play the game, which is, hey, playing the game, that's a way to play the game. Yeah. A lot of kids and adults, and this does not look like play on the outside. It looks like something like undecipherable or like, I don't know, I don't get this, but like it's very common for 1 person to play the game and 1 person to watch the game being played.

26:48 - 26:48
Cheryl-Host: Okay.

26:49 - 27:26
Velma-Guest: And that is play for both people. Okay. So just having a parent, just watching your kid play the game and express like, if it's an intense game, like, don't ask too many questions, like, it's okay to ask questions, because they may be like, really focused. Wait, can I sit and watch you play? And my partner plays a lot of games. And 1 of the games he plays is Elden Ring, and he loves Elden Ring. And it can be gory sometimes, and it can have a lot of noises, but when I sit down to play with him,

27:26 - 28:00
Velma-Guest: he's like, oh, Valma's here. I'm gonna go roam around instead of have a bunch of big battles. Or I'm going to turn down this type of sound because some of the sounds are really hard for me. And each video game has different settings and configurations. So if you want to watch your kid playing a game, but you can't handle all the gun sounds, like they could probably go into settings and like, minimize those so that it's easier for you to be there with them.

28:01 - 28:31
Cheryl-Host: And they would probably love it. You know, I think sometimes all our kids just think we're so lame and don't want to do anything with us. But I think if again, coming at it with curiosity, what do you like about it? What's fun about it? Can you give me a little tutorial before you start to play so I understand what you're doing. I think that's great. And I have no, I remember my son handing me the remote control playing Super Mario and it was in record time. I was dead, like dead, dead every single time. And

28:32 - 29:08
Cheryl-Host: I don't remember if he actually tried to show me how to play or if I just said, I'm just dead. And I gave up. But I love all this. Like, I really wish I had had a little more connection with that game and really tried to understand it. Now, but this is a different time. This is, you know, 25 years ago. So it was, you know, I don't think that whole algorithm and looking to have an addiction was there because these were on, you know, like cassette you popped it in you played and I'm so old

29:08 - 29:44
Cheryl-Host: I can hear it in my voice right now. But it's different, right? It's so different now like and so if I'm coming at this as even as a grandparent in a few years, you know, I have to switch my brain around what I know of the games to what they are now and what it actually means. And I really like, I really love that, like just connecting over it is amazing. Listen, when you have a teenager, you might not like their music, you probably won't like their music. You probably won't like what they like to watch

29:44 - 30:32
Cheryl-Host: and you probably won't like what they like to read or talk about. But if we don't get down on, not down, if we don't get to their level and show some kind of interest, you are missing the point. It's not all about you and what you're interested in. If you want connection, you need to literally connect. And my son was a drummer in a screamo band. I spent many Saturday nights in the seediest, ugliest, grossest bars, the oldest person by 30, smelling like Coors Light and putting my secret little earplugs in so I didn't have to

30:32 - 31:04
Cheryl-Host: hear some, because I just wanted that connection because when I didn't hear the music and just watched them play it was gold. I loved it. I just loved it. And there's, you know, there's just so many ways to connect. And again, you know, put their music on in the car, they're gonna talk to you. Put their show, go take them to the movies they love, whether you like it or not, you got your whole life. You have teens for such a short period of time. So I think I really love this conversation and I wish I

31:04 - 31:25
Cheryl-Host: wish I had done a little more connecting through Super Mario and whatever Mario Kart whatever. I'm just amazed. So I guess we can create and you've talked about this about a balance like what is what would be considered a healthy balance of gaming time?

31:26 - 32:07
Velma-Guest: That is up to each individual family. I am not going to say the pediatric board says only 2 hours. Well, the pediatric board may only say 2 hours. And like, again, it depends on your kid. It depends on your family. And it depends on the rest of the life that you have. And what impact does the game have on the kid? Are they able to do all the other things they need to do? I know that The answer to that question has changed dramatically as my kid has grown and changed ages. Like the answer now for

32:07 - 32:28
Velma-Guest: him is really different than the answer was even just 2 years ago. So I'm not going to prescribe. I will help families experiment and figure that out for themselves. But I'm not going to say what is the healthy balance for it is the healthy balance for your family is that the healthy balance is what works for your family.

32:29 - 32:35
Cheryl-Host: That's a great answer. Is there a negotiation factor in your house? Sometimes

32:36 - 33:15
Velma-Guest: there isn't. There used to be a lot of negotiation. There really did. And nowadays we're pretty collaborative instead of negotiating. I'll go down and I'll see what my kid's up to. So this is another thing is like the more often you're able to like connect with your kid without saying, oh, hey, it's time to turn it off. You'll learn more And they won't be as defensive when it is time to turn it off. So I'll be like, hey, what are you up to? What's a good wrapping up time? And oh, OK, well, I could see he

33:15 - 33:41
Velma-Guest: is configuring this or that, or like, is finishing up this build or needs to die on this level. Like, whatever it is, it's like, and usually I hang out with him until whatever happens, because I just want to see. And yeah, so there used to be negotiation, but they're like, it's, it's, it's pretty fluid now. Like,

33:42 - 34:02
Cheryl-Host: that's success. Like, I think that's like, Bang, we got it. I love it. Yeah, I love it. I trust you are. Yeah. And you are like the example for people to hear from, like it actually works. The connection is you do this, you do this. And then look where we are now. It's worth it's worth, you know, the effort. The effort, I would think.

34:02 - 34:21
Velma-Guest: It is, and it is effort. Like if you've been antagonistic about video games for a long time, like it may take a little bit of time for that trust to be built. Yes. But like, I'm also a big fan of transparency, like say, hey, I want to try doing this differently.

34:22 - 34:22
Cheryl-Host: Yes.

34:24 - 34:28
Velma-Guest: Talk to them and go like, I want to learn about this. Will you show me?

34:29 - 34:50
Cheryl-Host: Yep. We're not perfect after all. Dang parents with all our faults. I want to ask you 1 more thing before we have to start talking about wrapping up. And that is, you spoke about this at the beginning, is their experience with failure. Talk about that because I think that's so valuable.

34:52 - 35:35
Velma-Guest: Yeah. Oh my god. Like it's it was 1 of the things that impresses me the most about video games. Like Video games are not about winning, they are about losing. And I have seen him some levels on somebody who has to try over and over and over and over and over again. And that's like on like basic like exploring 2D platformer type games. But then there's also like I see it play out on like in in Minecraft, he'll like be wanting to build some crazy engineering redstone contraption thing that's really cool, but it's also really complicated.

35:35 - 36:16
Velma-Guest: And he'll try it 1 way and it doesn't work. And he'll try it another way and it doesn't work. And he'll try it another way and it doesn't work. And he'll learn iteratively about, oh, well, maybe I'll like, so it's, it's, it feeds, creativity and a trust in a process. It's like, oh, I'll get there eventually. Video games are something that builds confidence and competence in a kid, especially kids who are neurodivergent in, which is my kid. And a lot of regular things are challenging for these kids. And in a video game, they can learn it.

36:16 - 36:26
Velma-Guest: They can know how to interact. They can build skills and feel what success looks like and fail and lose without shame.

36:27 - 37:06
Cheryl-Host: Oh, that's so good. And it's funny because as you're talking, I'm like, and whenever they come into something like this outside of the game, Oh, remember when remember when remember when connection, connection, connection, especially with our neurodivergent kids, that's so good. Because that was actually 1 of my questions is this, is there a difference? And you've just told me your son is neurodivergent. Is there a difference in the hyper focus on the game? Is there a difference in like kind of breaking that, breaking that focus in a healthy way without, you know, like some of our

37:06 - 37:19
Cheryl-Host: kids who are on the spectrum, this is what they love to do and they get hyper focused and they don't stop or ADHD and they don't stop. And it's just such a whole new level.

37:19 - 37:38
Velma-Guest: Yeah, it's, it's a little more work. It takes a little bit longer amount of time to build that muscle, that skill of stopping. And it's possible. Yeah. And The connection piece, the understanding how significant the game is to that kid is even more important.

37:39 - 38:03
Cheryl-Host: Yeah. And even, you know, I was thinking, you know, when I was in the school and I was working with kids who had disabilities, it was always the warning, You know, okay, you have 10 minutes and you have 5 minutes and here's your calendar and here's your, you know, your color clock. And now I'm thinking that's irrelevant if I can say, oh, when you get to this level, it's time to stop. Well, like, hello.

38:05 - 38:48
Velma-Guest: And timing is a thing, but like in video games, there aren't clocks. Yeah. So 1 of the big parts of building that skill of stopping is learning how to plan for it, like paying attention to how long things take and like thinking through, okay, I have half an hour, I probably shouldn't try and build that castle right now, but I could probably like find the building site and maybe lay out some of the foundation. Having a realistic idea about what to do or I can play 2 rounds of Fortnite or so like thinking about it before

38:48 - 39:06
Velma-Guest: you get on is, and that's a part of the conversation that we can have with our kids, like maybe when they're littler, it's easier, but like, as they get older, it can be like, okay, Think through what do you need to do before you can get off and feel good about that? That's often the question that I ask

39:06 - 39:36
Cheryl-Host: Yeah, that's so good. Oh, that's so good So this is gold. I just feel like mic drop mic drop mic drop mic drop. This is so good I'm so glad we had this conversation because it just, it really does just shift things around. And yes, you know, no, it's not too late. Yes, you can put in the effort and yes, it works. And we have an expert right here, Velma. And Velma, tell us, how can we work with you? How can we find you? What resources do you have? What offers do you have? Your website is

39:36 - 39:40
Cheryl-Host: amazing and full of information. So let's do that. But then what else

39:40 - 40:22
Velma-Guest: is there? Well, you know, I believe that there's so much information out there And and like there's so much to sort through I'm providing my information the information I provide all of this is like, I have a couple of online classes. And they're free. Please take them. MamaMaevelle.com. And I hear what I really love is I really love helping parents individually sort through what the next step is for them and their families. Listen to what's hard for them and their families and help them maybe sort through the information. So I prefer to work with people one-on-one.

40:23 - 40:38
Velma-Guest: Yeah. Use all the free stuff. And if you can get what you need from that, golden. Thank you. Play with your kids. Have a good time. And if you want help working through some of the challenges around that I'm here

40:41 - 40:46
Cheryl-Host: Oh my goodness, so you have a website anywhere else we can find you or is everything just right there?

40:46 - 41:06
Velma-Guest: Everything's right there I mean, I'm on social media, but I'm not social media because I'm learning to focus on what it is that I love. And I love working with people talking with people 1 on 1. I like playing video games. That's pretty fun. I'm not super into Instagram to be completely honest. Yeah,

41:07 - 41:12
Cheryl-Host: yeah. Me neither. I'm leaning into LinkedIn now for just that reason.

41:12 - 41:36
Velma-Guest: Yeah, it's like I'll post this on LinkedIn and I'll post it on Facebook and I'm like, and I'll share it to my list. I have an email list, so sign up for that. Sign up for my email list. I send out something every week, kind of an anecdote or a story or like what challenge I'm having and like highlight free resources from either myself or other people, because there's a lot of good information out there to support parents.

41:37 - 41:55
Cheryl-Host: On Velma's website, there is streaming where she actually plays the video game. I was watching it and I was like, okay, I'm getting really anxious. It's interesting, but I was getting very anxious, which is where the cheerleading conversation came in. Like, I don't think I can do this, but I can cheer them on.

41:57 - 42:21
Velma-Guest: Amazing. My son and I often stream ourselves playing together. You want to see what it looks like for a mom and it's son to play? Check out my Twitch stream or my YouTube channel because that's where it's at. It's occasionally, it's often hilarious and occasionally like, oh my God, we're doing this in public.

42:23 - 42:38
Cheryl-Host: Listen, vulnerability is where it's at because parents are sitting right where you are or right where you were and need to know how to get where you are. So without showing your journey and your challenges, how are they ever gonna figure it out? I think this golden.

42:39 - 42:45
Velma-Guest: That's why I'm screaming. I wanted to show that this is possible to actually enjoy this.

42:46 - 43:23
Cheryl-Host: It was so cool. I was shocked watching him. I'm like, my God, that's amazing. Velma, I can't say how much I've enjoyed this conversation. It's been so valuable, so informative. And all these like golden nuggets that we need to focus on. You have changed my mind for sure. And I know you've changed other minds and what a, you know, another step into loving the relationship we have with our teenagers and not wishing those years away, I think is so important. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I truly appreciate this conversation. So check out Velma. Thank

Velma-Guest: you