#62 "Navigating the Heartbreak of Bullying: Empowering Parents to Support Their Teens" with Aime Hutton

#ParentingTeens #BullyingAwareness #ResilienceMentor #CyberSafety #TeenSupport #LGBTQSupport #MentalHealth #YouthEmpowerment #ParentingAdvice #Podcast #TeenBullying #EmpowerParents #TeenGrowth #Sextortion #BullyingConsequences #SafeSpaces #CommunitySupport #InsightToImpact #MentalHealthAwareness #YouthAdvocacy #ParentingInTheDigitalAge

In this episode of "Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World," we tackle one of the most distressing issues facing teenagers today: bullying. Join host Cheryl and resilience mentor Amy Hutton as they explore the profound impact of bullying on teens and discuss actionable strategies for parents to support their children. With personal stories and professional insights, Amy shares her mission to empower teens and provide them with the tools to overcome adversity. Learn how to foster open communication, educate your teens about cyber safety, and encourage resilience in the face of bullying.

00:00 - 00:42
Cheryl: Welcome back to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World, formerly known as Teen Minds Redefined. This is the podcast where we challenge conventional parenting wisdom and empower you with the fresh perspectives on raising teens. Today, we are diving into 1 of the most heartbreaking but critical topics for parents, bullying. And I'm joined by Amy Hutton, again, a resilience mentor and advocate for teens who have experienced bullying. Amy brings both personal experience and professional insight to help us understand how we as parents can support our teams and turn these challenges into opportunities for

00:42 - 00:47
Cheryl: growth. And let's dive in. Welcome back, Amy Hutton.

00:47 - 00:51
Aime: Hello. Hello. Good evening from Calgary, Alberta.

00:53 - 00:58
Cheryl: Fellow Canadian. I love it. We're sitting in snow now too. Are you sitting in snow?

00:59 - 01:03
Aime: Snow yet. Possible like plus 4 plus 8.

01:03 - 01:04
Cheryl: 0, okay.

01:04 - 01:09
Aime: He's coming But then it's got cold again. So that's Calgary for you.

01:09 - 01:28
Cheryl: Yes amy, I just let's start off by I know you've been here before and we've talked about you know your story but let's do a recap for those who haven't heard that. Kind of your personal story, why you're doing what you're doing, what brought you here, what's your mission, what's your passion? Tell us everything, Amy.

01:29 - 02:07
Aime: That's a little question. So the first time I was on your podcast, we talked about the LGBT community and coming out as well me as an adult, what that was like, and pretty sure it's really similar for teens, with the added stress of everything going on in their life as a teenager school homework Friends family, maybe a part-time job depending on their age and let's add. Oh my gosh. I think I'm gay on top of it all now what do we do right so that's what we talked about and what am I passionate about it's funny

02:07 - 02:27
Aime: actually sheryl I'll I'll have to tag you I'll share the post or whatever with you later I did a memory share yesterday I think it was of me in grade 6 and It was why am I so passionate about working with youth age 11 to 14 is because of the girl in this picture in grade 6

02:28 - 02:29
Cheryl: 0 my gosh.

02:29 - 03:10
Aime: Yeah, and I Pretty sure still have them all somewhere in my apartment here, but I do have Journals that I kept from that time period of my life and I went through them and I found 1 that was well a lot of them were sad And so I just picked 1 and you know took out people's names and things like that Yet I shared my journal entry and it was something along the lines of You know people in the class don't like me they call me all these names They think I don't know things they think

03:10 - 03:37
Aime: I'm stupid they think I'm dumb And then I did talk and then another sentence was something about I do have a few friends but Pretty much they were maybe it like a teacher and you know girl guide Pathfinder leader And then ironically speaking of Pathfinder leader in the comments below my Pathfinder leader Commented

03:37 - 03:38
Cheryl: come on

03:39 - 04:14
Aime: And she's like Amy I wish I had known back like wish I'd known about this back then because in grade 6 you're 12 years old or maybe 13 to bet you know in that age and if you're in the girl guide community you're a pathfinder to buy them in the age range and So yeah, my pathfinder leader Tracy was like I wish I had known you hid it well you masked it well and she's like I had no idea and yeah and then my grade then my grade 7 music teacher popped on and also said she's

04:14 - 04:20
Aime: like look that's a picture I know of you from before like, you know when you're like in her class kind of

04:20 - 04:21
Cheryl: thing

04:22 - 04:48
Aime: it's so Why do I speak to youth in a group setting or private coaching to kids with their own coming-out journey? It's because I remember those feelings. I remember those feelings of you know being called stupid ugly dumb retarded and a loser And I'm sorry for using the R word. Yeah, that's That's a word the kids called me in the 1980s.

04:48 - 04:49
Cheryl: Yeah, for sure.

04:49 - 05:32
Aime: So that's a timestamp that that's, you know, was a different time period. And yeah, tell me I'm any of those and I can, I could accept that really easy? However, tell me I'm smart, tell me I'm beautiful, tell me I'm courageous, and all those positive words. And even today, as what, I'm 48 years old, sometimes depending on my mood, those positive words are hard for me to hear and accept and let land Because of the trauma the trauma lasted from grades 3 to grade 8 Yeah, I was Severely teased and bullied and back then we didn't

05:32 - 05:36
Aime: call it being teased and bullied. It was like, oh, yeah, it's just part of school

05:37 - 05:38
Cheryl: live with it,

05:38 - 06:19
Aime: yeah, I was Physically attacked twice by peers once in grade 5 I believe and once the 1 in grade 7. I remember distinctively the 1 in grade 7 I was in a grade 7 8 split and it was gym time and I'm in the change of area getting you know into your gym clothes and this my My back or my face my I was facing like the wall like where I was hanging up a t-shirt or whatever and this girl in grade 8 came up behind me and grabbed me by my bra strap, flung me around

06:19 - 06:45
Aime: the room and was laughing and I went flying back into the wall and battered and bruised. I didn't know who I could trust. I didn't know who did it. And when the teacher finally came in the room she looked at me red in the face and she's like who did this I'm like I can't tell you and I didn't want to tell her anyways because I was too afraid of retaliation.

06:45 - 06:46
Cheryl: Yeah

06:47 - 07:02
Aime: So that's why I work with that specific age group the 11 to 14 You know, I will dabble a bit on either side of that age bracket obviously yet Mike the sweet spot Is that 12 year old 13 year old the young person?

07:02 - 07:03
Cheryl: Yeah

07:04 - 07:41
Aime: And then I know we're talking about parents right now yet. This story is coming up Fast forward into high school so older right? Luckily the bullying stopped because I went from a school of, you know, your grade 8 graduating class, well, there's 2 classes. So maybe 60 kids, give or take, into a high school in Pickering, Ontario that had 25, 000, 2, 500 students. And the graduating class was a lot bigger So with all the kids the bullying stopped because we were all new fish in a big

07:42 - 07:44
Cheryl: Yeah, yeah,

07:44 - 08:21
Aime: so I was grade 9 And then my high school split and we had to go to a new high school So my grade 10 to grade 13 again from Ontario back in the 90s in this time period My I took a OEC biology grade 13 Biology course. Mm-hmm, and I remember and I think I was in grade in grade 12 taking this this biology course and I I knew I was having problems and I went to the teacher Like on day 2 roughly of school in September and I said, you know, I I can I get

08:21 - 09:02
Aime: some help? I'm not quite understanding this subject, you know Can I see you after school? He said sure fine. No problem. So I went to after school, I you know finished my day went back to his classroom and he looked at me as I was taking notes to try to help myself learn and He looked at me and he's like, Amy, you're left handed. Yeah. He'll never pass my class, is what he said to me. I didn't know what to do then because he's the head of the science department. So I couldn't trust him, so I

09:02 - 09:35
Aime: sat quiet as a mouse for the whole entire semester, did my best. The last unit was about anatomy and physiology of the human body. Now because I was a lifeguard by that point, And I was learning like anatomy and physiology for first aid and you know, whatnot, whatnot. And I started raising my hand and answering the questions again. And he looked at me. And he's like, Where did you come from? And I sat there, I again didn't say a word. So I'm like, you're the head of the science department Don't know what I can say to

09:35 - 09:58
Aime: you But yeah, so it was like he used his power and authority really as being a science teacher the head of the science department even to do I say belittle me? Like I don't know how to word this, but you know, put me down in front of the whole entire class of my peers. Some of

09:58 - 10:00
Cheryl: them left handed thing. I don't understand

10:01 - 10:32
Aime: because he thought I was I don't know left-handed people historically sometimes Or more on the creative side the music the arts the English Classes and courses Apparently according to him and if you're left-brained which means you're right-handed because it's opposite You're more into the sciences and the things like that and I was like, wow So I know you're a former educator. I know you're a former. Yeah So

10:33 - 10:34
Cheryl: that's a new 1

10:35 - 10:37
Aime: Yeah, yeah, not the right not

10:37 - 10:46
Cheryl: the right side left side brain for sure. But the actual fact of you're gonna fail my class because you're left handed. I, I still don't get the connection.

10:46 - 10:48
Aime: I know. I passed his course with a 51

10:50 - 10:51
Cheryl: My god,

10:51 - 11:08
Aime: I was like and that was the OEC course I dropped obviously The rest of my OEC works my grade 13 marks were you know? 70s 80 75 Grade my OEC music I got an 80 so yeah, so

11:10 - 11:54
Cheryl: You know, it's as you're talking, you know when you first started when you were in grade 6 And you considered a couple of your friends, a teacher and the Pathfinder. And then now you're talking about another teacher having a different impact, like the impact of a caring adult in your world. And even they didn't realize that they were making some kind of intake, but you felt like they were a caring adult. And how important is that? And on the opposite side, how much impact this guy, left-handed Louie had on like, you know, but it's so, you

11:54 - 12:04
Cheryl: know, when people think, oh, you know, I'm such a busy teacher and I don't have time and I'm not making an impact. Yes, you are. If you are a caring adult, yes, you are. Yeah, period. Full stop.

12:08 - 12:43
Aime: Exactly true. And it was really interesting because like in my my grade, this OAC biology course, there were a couple of kids from my elementary school days in that class with me. And we kind of, you know, had a unspoken truth, I guess, like, yeah, I did that to you, I'm not going to do anymore, or I'm going to, you know, be nice or whatever. But yeah, it was even the kids around me were like, hey You're answering the questions like awesome like that's really cool Yeah, so I did have some really really good teachers though.

12:43 - 13:18
Aime: Please don't get me wrong I had amazing example. My history teacher was also my field hockey coach I had amazing Teachers do I ever have them as a teacher? Yes my swim coaches 1 of them was my wife is ed teachers at 1 point And of course my music teacher who recently retired Amazing amazing Teachers at the school I my high school that I went to. So yeah, but I know bullying leaves a really big scar On the young person and it carries you into adulthood

13:19 - 13:40
Cheryl: It's and it's so you know, I feel like it's just so I mean we talk about bullying more now But I still feel like it's so underrated and underestimated the impact that it makes. And so can you share with us then, what was your parents involvement?

13:42 - 13:44
Aime: That's funny you ask because I didn't tell them.

13:45 - 13:46
Cheryl: At all.

13:46 - 13:46
Aime: At all.

13:47 - 13:47
Cheryl: Why?

13:51 - 14:32
Aime: Fear. Embarrassed. I have a really funny feeling though. They knew something was going on. Like, you know, yet they never said anything either. Yeah, again, this is like my parents are lovely and you know, again, this is a different time period this is 1980 Like late 80s early 90s. Mm-hmm ish when this was all happening so yeah just different time I and I didn't even tell my pathfinder leader like she didn't she didn't know

14:32 - 14:33
Cheryl: yeah

14:34 - 14:49
Aime: So I kept it all inside because I didn't, I wasn't sure who I could tell. Yeah. I didn't know really who I could trust, which is kind of funny because that links to our former, our conversation last time about being part of the LGBT community, I didn't know who I could trust.

14:49 - 15:28
Cheryl: Yeah. So it's so isolating. It just sounds like I can, I can feel it? Like I can feel how isolating that must have, that must have been. So what, let's say, okay, now we're on the parent's end of it. Yeah. What subtle signs would you say a parent should look for if their kids are getting bullied? Like you thought your parents probably knew and didn't say anything, maybe because they didn't know how to handle it. I don't know, I'm not speaking for them. But if your kid's coming home, what is it? Like, is there something you

15:28 - 15:32
Cheryl: would say, maybe we need to have this conversation? Like what's happening over here?

15:33 - 15:46
Aime: Yeah, and every young person is different. So like, I know for me in that time period I believe the term is latchkey kid.

15:46 - 15:48
Cheryl: I came home to nobody

15:49 - 15:59
Aime: and then my younger sister and we were home alone for a couple hours until you know, mom came home from work. And dinner and everything got going.

15:59 - 16:00
Cheryl: Yeah,

16:00 - 16:14
Aime: what parents could look for though isn't potentially the mood changes or the attitude changes if the parent is able to be home when their your kids come home.

16:15 - 16:15
Cheryl: Yeah,

16:15 - 16:33
Aime: they coming in the door. Are they like slamming the door? Are they throwing their backpack their notebook? I hope not because nowadays kids have laptops Throwing things down are they stomping are they running into their door into their bedroom and slamming the door like what

16:33 - 16:34
Cheryl: are they doing?

16:36 - 17:20
Aime: Also like be okay with having really open and frank conversations and listen. There's that old phrase of we have 2 ears and 1 mouth. Yeah. Listen, maybe ask a couple of questions, but just hold space and listen and see what happens with parents too. I know 1 friend of mine who is a parent, What they did was they had like a notebook that it was almost passed back and forth between the child and the parent. And they would just write whatever was going on or a question or something you wanted to share, but maybe weren't afraid

17:20 - 17:23
Aime: or you were afraid to speak it, but you could write it down.

17:23 - 17:25
Cheryl: That's such a good idea.

17:27 - 18:03
Aime: Yeah. And have it, you know, back and forth somehow, like leave it on your child's bed corner in, you know, when they when they've come home from school or, you know, whatever, and let them, you know, almost like again, lead the conversation of this is what's going on or, you know, whatever. This is a funny side thought that's coming to my mind completely off topic, but not at the same time. Some journals and communication. I went away because I was in girl guides and I also want to back up and say, you know, girl guides and

18:03 - 18:34
Aime: the swimming, those were my outlets. Those were my safe spaces to be myself. But camp. So I went to girl guide camp every summer And I would take a spiral notebook and write down what I did every what we did every day. If I could remember what we ate and you know, just activities and stuff. And then I would bring it home at the end of the week or even to like a 2 week camp, whatever. And then give it to my mom and dad and they would read it but then they wrote 1 for me

18:34 - 18:42
Aime: while they were Why I wasn't at home they would keep a journal of what they did. Mm-hmm And we would read each other's journals when we when I got home from camp

18:43 - 19:14
Cheryl: How cool is that? Yeah, that is such a good idea. But I love that communication, being able to not have to make eye contact and, you know, and probably helpful, especially in in the sense of the latch key kid to if you're just getting home from school, But mom and dad aren't coming home or mom or dad or mom parents aren't coming home right after school And you're still in the heat of the moment. The emotional piece of it is right there Yeah, I think that is such a great strategy You gotta add that in that's

19:14 - 19:27
Cheryl: so good. Yeah So when you're when you're coaching the teens, can you guide us through they come to you? Is it a group coaching? Is it 1 on 1 coaching? How do you work at?

19:27 - 19:34
Aime: It's 1 to 1 through the computer, like through Zoom or Teams or Google Meet, whatever.

19:34 - 19:47
Cheryl: So they come to you and they tell you they divulged this information that they're being bullied and they say to you, but don't say anything because it's just going to get worse. Now what?

19:49 - 20:40
Aime: Now what? First of all, thank you for sharing. Thank you for trusting me with this. What? How? How can I support you? What do you need? And they may say I just need you to listen, okay, cool. I'll do that. I'll listen What's coming up to my mind Cheryl and to your listeners though is the training I took about youth and suicide prevention. If anything tweaks my little rabbit antenna, so to speak, about that subject and that topic, if the young person is bringing that up. I May say again. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you

20:40 - 21:22
Aime: for sharing this with me Who can I talk to? On your behalf that is a safe other caring adult Hopefully in your family that I can talk to in case I need help to help you And then you can take it if you have to go another step further. You know, the rules and laws are changing and they're getting a little bit better for kids that are being bullied. There could be a case where when they feel comfortable, can I take you and I and even the other caring adult that you've told me I can speak

21:22 - 22:04
Aime: with, can we go to your local police station and make an actual formal complaint about it? Yeah, it's just getting that trust of that kiddo to open up is the biggest thing. And the way 1 of the ways I do it is just almost letting them talk. And I just I sit and hold space and guide the conversation. Another thing from the youth in suicide prevention is an interesting thought I learned was us, you and I, like the caring adults, if a child comes to us and talks about self-harm or they even have a plan, like,

22:04 - 22:48
Aime: you know, all those things. Our guide as adults, caring adults is to guide them and steer them to safety. Whatever that looks like. The piece with bringing in the other caring adult that they know like and trust preferably from their family unit Even if it's an aunt or a grandma or you know Not mom and dad per se and help them out that way because it is a really scary thing. You know, I think back to me and did I have thoughts? Probably yet not enough that I would ever act, partly because I had the girl

22:48 - 22:56
Aime: guides and I had my swimming lessons that I was taking because I had those outs. Yeah. I had those places that made me happy and I could lead.

22:57 - 23:04
Cheryl: Thank God. So where do we go with the school involvement then? Because you know,

23:04 - 23:05
Aime: how long do we have?

23:07 - 23:08
Cheryl: This

23:08 - 23:38
Aime: is always an interesting topic or theme with this 1. I, although I've, I've strongly suggested it to parents who I've seen post about it. I'm like You knock on that principal's door every day Or and or the guidance counselor type of situation if they have it in this school I know not every school has a guidance department. Yeah, knock on that principal's door. If they're not answering, go to the superintendent.

23:38 - 23:39
Cheryl: Yeah.

23:39 - 24:18
Aime: Involve the police. If it is, you know, even because I've heard sometimes too that you can make a complaint with the police, not really depressed charges yet to have a documentation of things. Yeah. And some police officers, some police stations will send either their SRO their student resource officer if they have 1 or community resource officer CRO to said families home and Have a conversation with the officer in full uniform to say hey look to the person doing the bullying

24:18 - 24:19
Cheryl: yeah

24:19 - 24:58
Aime: this isn't cool kind of thing even the police officer the SRO or the CRO could talk to the family of the child that is being victimized being bullied yeah because it is and you know again language has changed over the years it is a form of well in my case there's a form of verbal assault and physical assault twice. I could have had my parents press charges. Yeah. In the 1980s, late mid to late eighties, early nineties. That wasn't the case.

25:01 - 25:17
Cheryl: So we say that there, you know, there, there's many roles involved in bullying, 1 being, of course, the target of the victim. Yeah. And then there's the bully. Yeah. And what about this, you know, like the periphery, the

25:17 - 25:17
Aime: I

25:17 - 25:42
Cheryl: know I've heard somebody say, you know, upstander. I've heard people say peer support. How do we engage that? Like, even if we're talking to someone who is now a target talking to you? Is there a way that they, that you recommend or that you can encourage that they would find that kind of look for that support? Can you find the people who are helping?

25:43 - 26:29
Aime: So yes and and more. What's coming to mind is and I speak about this when I've done school talks like keynote talks in schools is You know if you see something that's not right say something If it's safe to do so step in Go to a teacher go to the principal You know a coach like somebody you trust at school and say hey, you know, my friend will say Sally was this was happening during recess She was being like bullied and stuff. And be, yeah, that word being up starter, upstander and, and say something, step in.

26:30 - 27:13
Aime: And then I also talk about, you know, yes, to the, the 1 who is the target or the victim Is yeah look for those people look for those helpers, you know, it may In my case, it really wasn't anybody of my peers. It was the teacher. And also I talk about with all kids, all youth is about kindness and how kindness really does matter. And kindness can change the trajectory of what's going on. There's I'm pretty sure it's in at least 1 of the chicken soup for the soul books of you know this a young person

27:13 - 27:41
Aime: walking home from school and drops their books and another classmate is a little bit behind them and sees them, stops and helps them pick up their books and stuff and then they make a friendship and you know that pure support as you were saying. Years later that same duo, The 1 who was like dropped his books and you know had a really bad Moment wrote to the 1 who stepped in to help him and said thank you so much for helping me I was gonna go home and kill myself because I was taking all my books

27:41 - 28:09
Aime: home So you never know what someone's going through. You never know what kindness can do, what even just a simple smile on the street can do to somebody. In my university days, when email was first coming into play, I had a little message at the bottom quote of my email signature that said if you see someone without a smile, give them 1 of yours. And

28:10 - 28:11
Cheryl: I still do it today.

28:11 - 28:12
Aime: Yeah.

28:16 - 28:55
Cheryl: Oh, that's so good. I'm wondering if we could touch on. Oh my gosh, I even hate talking about it. The evils of social media and how bullying, you know, it's it's it's horrible because there was none of that. That's how I was that old. There was none of that. So, right. I didn't want to bring you into that. But in school, I mean, there was always, you know, there was the typical stuff happening. There was bullying, there was, but you could leave the school and it was gone. You had your safe space. You didn't have to

28:55 - 29:28
Cheryl: think about it. It wasn't in your face and you could like decompress and maybe even if it's out of your, you know, out of your periphery sort of thing, you would be able to manage having those conversations with your family or a caring adult. But this social media, it is in your face 24-7. They're going to bed with bullying. They're waking up with bullying. They're getting bullying all day long. There is no relief. No. How do we help?

29:30 - 30:17
Aime: Well, this is an interesting topic because it involves, again, all 3 parties, the child themselves, both the victim, the target and the kids doing the bullying, plus the parents, the caring adults and the school. I know there's some schools in different parts of the country now that are saying no phones at school. Yeah. Or yes, you can have your phone at like to go home and when you come for safety reasons, you know, like for communication, yet I feel. And this may be a ruffle some feathers moment, but I feel that, you know, cell phones at

30:17 - 30:33
Aime: school are not needed. If a parent or a caring adult has to get a hold of the child, you do what we used to do when the parent phones the school and says, hey, I need to talk to Sally for XYZ reason. Please go get her.

30:33 - 30:59
Cheryl: Thank you. I'm done. I'm done. I'm so 1000% obviously. You know I'll tell you a little funny story here is I was talking to a principal the other day who said, you know, they don't allow phones in school anymore at all. And then they did the Amber Alert test. Oh. And all the kids' pockets

31:00 - 31:01
Aime: started vibrating.

31:02 - 31:15
Cheryl: They couldn't hide it because they can't silent. Yep. So if we can rig 1 of those amber alert, just test once a week just to clear everybody out and clear the phones that I think that would be really handy. I thought that was great.

31:16 - 31:16
Aime: Yep. But

31:16 - 31:54
Cheryl: you're right. And I just, you know, I don't think honestly, cell phones for kids period until they hit like maybe 16. Sorry. I really do. I really do. I don't think, you know, when they're young, you sit in the restaurant and you watch these kids on their iPads and they're like 3. I know. And I want to say you are like destroying every critical thinking creative skill that this kid is supposed to develop on their own. Now it's all external input. And then it just goes from there. Then it's, you know, not only is the bullying

31:54 - 32:28
Cheryl: continued, but and the and the whole, you know, they don't get their own life, their own separate life from school or separate from the friends. And it just goes on and on. And now you're teaching people that you are accessible 24 7. Why do we want our kids to think they are accessible 24 7, even you as a parent texting them. How did the math test go wait till they get home? You know, what do you want for dinner? Wait till they get home. There's an emergency call the office I've solved all your problems right there.

32:28 - 32:31
Cheryl: You don't have to send your kid with the cell phone anymore done

32:32 - 33:19
Aime: Yeah, and then thinking about parents because I know I know I hadn't shared this yet during our talk here today. I'm not a parent. So I haven't had to go through this as a parent, right? So what I've heard though, is with technology these days, there have been parental controls coming in to play with social media, for example. And also in the home too, you can change things on your router and whatever for your wi-fi so kids don't always have access to that. Another suggestion again thinking when you and I work a little get outside go

33:19 - 33:53
Aime: do like go go to the park. Like I know here in Calgary, we have some amazing parks and FYI, the mountains Banff National Park is an hour and a half away from me where people come to from all over the world. Yeah. Get outside. Yes. Okay. You can have maybe mom and dad have the kid have the phone, AKA the camera to take those moments of memory and do something with that. Yet the kids don't need their phones when they're out in nature. Also too, you're not going to get cell service past the time. No, you're

33:53 - 33:53
Aime: really in nature.

33:54 - 33:55
Cheryl: That's right.

33:56 - 34:53
Aime: And yeah, just, and also really have an open and honest conversation with your, your kiddos about safety, cyber safety. You know, we haven't even touched that whole topic of sextortion and bullying through sexting and things like that There's a friend of mine in where is she Nova Scotia? Her daughter was is Retea Parsons Retea Parsons in high school, so they're a little bit older, so they're high school, was at a party, alcohol was involved, and the, what was said or what has happened, what was happening was her daughter got assaulted by kids in her class They

34:53 - 35:20
Aime: taped it video or they you know picture or whatever and then spread it Like wildfire to the point where unfortunately even after changing schools Rotea was still battling, still having problems and she died by suicide because of the situation that happened through cell phones and the cyber bullying.

35:20 - 36:08
Cheryl: Yeah. And it's just so, it's insidious because Johnny sitting on his bed Friday night ticked off and frustrated can just bring someone down to their literal knees and have 0 accountability. And if they were to meet in the same room, probably wouldn't look sideways at them because of the cowardly effort. We know that. And it's just something, yeah, I think we really need to have an episode just on that. And kids need to know the consequences of these things as well. You know, sometimes they hear stories or sometimes somebody just stands up at the school and

36:08 - 36:22
Cheryl: says that they need to know the actual consequences. They need to know they need to hear from victims. They need to hear from victims families Like this is the impact you're having maybe you don't think so Let me show you. Yeah, this actually is

36:22 - 36:59
Aime: yeah, I know where Taya's mom for a while I don't think she does it anymore yet. I know for a while. She did speak to schools and share with a story Yeah, it's I feel again too that's where the your local police can come into play to help with that. I don't know if they still do it yet again growing up there was always those programs about scared straight that if the kids are troublemakers or bullying they would go to the local and get a tour

36:59 - 37:00
Cheryl: yes

37:00 - 37:08
Aime: I know it's more more prevalent in the united states yet I'm pretty sure Canada had something similar

37:08 - 37:08
Cheryl: Yeah,

37:08 - 37:34
Aime: yeah, I do know in when I was in high school I was a part of the Ontario students against impaired driving. Oh said organization and our little group of students with our teachers, we got a tour of Sunnybrook Hospital and met people in Sunnybrook Hospital that had been drinking and driving or the victim of a drinking and driving and we met them.

37:34 - 37:39
Cheryl: Wow. Yeah. Wow. That impactful.

37:39 - 37:48
Aime: It was granted in a weird sort of way. They were preaching to the wrong choir because We were Ontario students against impaired driving.

37:48 - 37:48
Cheryl: Yeah,

37:48 - 38:25
Aime: so we we know that Yeah Yeah, yet I do know during we had a week week of it in school and then also in university, too I was on the same sort of organization, but at the university level we the Impound brought in a car that they can you knew that I was involved in and drinking and driving. Yeah Accident I know Yeah situation And things like that And that I'm hoping kind of shocked some kids.

38:25 - 38:26
Cheryl: Yeah.

38:26 - 39:00
Aime: And then also, yeah, having survivors come and talk about bullying, about cyber bullying. That's why, like, when I do my keynote talk, I actually, and the kids get a laugh out of it. The teachers are like, oh, yeah that picture started kind of looks familiar I show my pictures from grade 5 to 8 and I talk about the different things and yeah like being bullied as a as a kid especially in grade 7 and 8 and other stories come into mind if you don't mind if that's okay

39:00 - 39:01
Cheryl: course yeah

39:01 - 39:31
Aime: I was in grade again is new grade 7 or grade 8 because I had the same teacher for both grades and I was in a split class in grade 7. So kind of all jellying together. But I know I was 13 because I was in the middle of doing my bronze medallion and my bronze cross when I was 14 to become a lifeguard and There was 1 day after school or you know towards the end of school packing your bag up and blah blah blah And I was like, oh, I'm so excited. I got swimming tonight

39:31 - 39:42
Aime: I said that out loud because I was excited and The bullies in my class I had more than 1 by the way. It was it was that group mentality There were a few leaders.

39:43 - 39:43
Cheryl: Yeah

39:43 - 40:16
Aime: yet is everyone kind of following along right? And so someone said oh amy are you in like yellow or tadpoles or you know whatever and I was getting frustrated by this time by this point of the day and I was like no I'm actually doing my we'll see my bronze cross I was 14 I was doing my bronze cross and you know I am gonna be a lifeguard and when I am a lifeguard, you're gonna have to listen to me and The the kid was like, oh, I'm so scared I was like, oh god, okay So

40:16 - 40:18
Aime: that I couldn't win. Mm-hmm,

40:18 - 40:18
Cheryl: Although

40:18 - 40:56
Aime: I did become a lifeguard when I was 16 and like ha ha on you kind of thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. And there's another little story that's coming to mind. Again, it's that whole mentality that whole Pac mentality we spoke about earlier. I was and I saw I'm a former girl guide yet I am very proud of that. So when I was in grade 7 and 8, I was in Pathfinders very proud of that. There's a day in February February 22nd actually That is World Thinking Day That's when girl guides, boy scouts, girl scouts across the world

40:57 - 41:25
Aime: celebrate being and guiding And if you are a student in school, you're encouraged, it's not mandatory, and you're encouraged to wear your uniform to school. Back in the day in the 19 late 80s, early 90s, my Pathfinder uniform was like a wraparound skirt that went below my knees, a nice blouse. If you know the name, Alfred Sung. Alfred Sung designed our shirts at

41:25 - 41:26
Cheryl: that point.

41:29 - 42:00
Aime: So I had like everything on my tie, like my, you know, everything, right? And I came out of the washroom and we were going somewhere in the school. And again, the bullies piped up and said, you know, what are you wearing that for? Or where are you going or whatever? And again, flustered and red in the face. I just turned around and said, you know, at least I have places to go and things to do and people to see. I just don't hang around the mall after school every day. And the kids were like Kind of

42:00 - 42:07
Aime: gobsmacked like what what just happened and 1 of the teachers came out into the hallway again and looked at me and I'm like

42:08 - 42:10
Cheryl: like Can you help me?

42:12 - 42:28
Aime: And she did nothing So yeah so these are just little memory story Cheryl that just these memory stories that are coming up yet That was that's what I lived with lived through survived through From grades 3 to grade 8.

42:28 - 42:38
Cheryl: Yeah, I'm so sorry Yeah, never want You never want to know somebody had to deal with that. That's awful.

42:41 - 42:42
Aime: And you're

42:42 - 43:23
Cheryl: not the only 1. And look at you now because you're helping people who know you know exactly how they feel. Yep. And can we talk just a bit about the resilience skills they need? Like what what are you What are you helping them with in the coaching? Like how are you, what are you equipping them with? What kind of tools can they have to like move forward or defend themselves or just, you know, some kids I know end up moving schools fresh start so how but they still need the resilience skills they still need right

43:24 - 43:42
Aime: so I mentioned it earlier about that kindness piece so it's that self-love self-kindness being accepting who you are in my my keynote talk, but then also obviously my one-to-one. I talk all about how self acceptance Is my superpower

43:44 - 43:44
Cheryl: Love it

43:45 - 44:07
Aime: And accepting myself who I am and that helps the kiddos who maybe are struggling with their sexuality or gender identity Mm-hmm, and you know doing things I do an activity and Who knows maybe we'll do it 1 day Is take a piece of paper and draw us like force like a square so you have 4 sections

44:07 - 44:07
Cheryl: mm-hmm

44:08 - 44:47
Aime: on 1 of the sections preferably with crayon if you have it but marker will do Draw a thought that's in your mind. What are you thinking about right now? Second box draw a Feeling in your body. How is your body feeling? Like are you hungry? Does your feet hurt? Does your head hurt? Like, you know, what's going on? The third box is draw a feeling you have in your heart. How's your heart feeling? And then the fourth box is draw me something that makes you happy right now. And it gets them centered and grounded in that

44:47 - 45:23
Aime: self of who they are. So that's just 1 activity I do with anybody of any age really, like anyone can do that. It's interesting to see the results with that. Years ago when I was first starting out being an entrepreneur, I did work with a young lady in grade 5, I think she was, maybe grade 6, and I did this activity every week with her. I'm sorry, once a week, and we did it every week. And there was 1 week where the thought in her or the feeling in her heart and her mind I think was

45:23 - 45:47
Aime: a bit of combination of both but she drew a stick person on 1 side 2 stick people on the other side in a dark color I don't I can't remember I don't remember it was black but I know it was a dark color and then she put the crayon down and then got teary-eyed. I was like, oh Okay, Let's both take a breath because I needed 1 at that point.

45:48 - 45:49
Cheryl: Yeah.

45:50 - 46:23
Aime: Can you talk to me about this? Tell me about this. And she pointed at the 1 stick figure girl. They were all girl stick figures, 1 girl stick figure by herself. She's like, this is me. And the other 2 stick fingers, these are 2 friends of mine and I don't know if we're friends anymore. She said to me and I was like, okay, thank you for sharing that. Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me. Can you tell me more? And she did open up a little bit. So again, it's that using different modalities

46:23 - 46:52
Aime: with youth, anyone to help figure out stuff, any emotions. So that's 1 thing I do with youth. And I just, again, I just hold space. And if it's the one-to-one coaching, it's like, okay, 1 of the first activities we also do is like, what do they want? Like, how can I help you? What can we do together to help you get from point A to point B and what's your goal kind of thing

46:52 - 46:53
Cheryl: yeah

46:53 - 47:07
Aime: and then we sort of work towards it a lot of it though as I said earlier is just how was your week or how was your month if it's you know a once a month check-in call. And I let them talk. So I guide the conversation.

47:09 - 47:45
Cheryl: So good. And I know you're going to agree with me when I say we need to really dive into this further. There's so many aspects of this. I mean, this is almost an hour and we've like skimmed the surface. Amy and I have both had a conversation about doing a workshop together in February. We will drop all of those details in the show notes. And I'm also going to add, and I'm going to put this in the show notes as well, is I have this mini course, and I'm just going to throw it in the show

47:45 - 48:05
Cheryl: notes. It's not going to be a price. I'm just going to put it in the show notes. And it is how to start these really challenging conversations with our teams. And 1 of them is about bullying and trying to find out if you have any kind of suspect about them being bullied or they are a bully.

48:06 - 48:06
Aime: Yes.

48:07 - 48:46
Cheryl: And how that conversation would go and I think this is super important because if we know our kids or we find out for some reason that they might be a target or a victim, then we turn into mama or papa bear and the emotions are high and we're just going to kill everybody in our path. I'm going to the school, I'm going to the police. That is 1 extreme. Yes. However, when you have a teenager who is the victim or the target, that is not helpful. This high rise, crazy emotion that is natural is also not

48:46 - 48:46
Cheryl: helpful.

48:47 - 48:47
Aime: So

48:47 - 49:23
Cheryl: when you're starting these conversations, I always say to parents, go in a room and rehearse on your own or rehearse with your co-parent and get all of like, get it out, say it 5 times, say it 6 times, say it 7 times until you feel the emotion kind of come out of it Yeah, because your kid needs you to be calm And cool and receptive and open to listening as soon as they get the feel of this Tight restrictive energy they're going to shut down. Yeah And on the other hand if you find out that your

49:23 - 49:58
Cheryl: kid might be the bully, again, the fired up emotions, because now you're embarrassed, how does this make you look? You know, all of that. And the conversation could turn you right into the bully of your kid. So again, you're going to go in your room and you're going to rehearse, get all that out of your system. Yep. Nope. The 4 agreements don't take it personally got nothing to do with you right now. Because I think that you know, sometimes we just in in hopes of protecting our kids or even making them feel like, Oh, I got

49:58 - 50:19
Cheryl: you. We don't give them the autonomy of being able to say what is actually happening and the right questions to ask to lead the conversations where they can trust you and confide in you and know that they are protected, but protected alongside of them not taking over.

50:20 - 50:42
Aime: Yeah a suggestion thought that's coming to mind is also you could ask either team like the 1 who's been the target or the 1 who is you found out as the bully and it's funny It's a question that sometimes even today do not like receiving because I don't know how to answer it yet It's the question of how can I support you? What do you mean?

50:42 - 50:45
Cheryl: Yeah? Yeah,

50:45 - 50:47
Aime: and being able to ask that

50:47 - 51:14
Cheryl: Yeah, Well, and if you're a parent listening to this, or if you know a teen, it doesn't matter. You don't have to be a parent. If you know a teen and you're listening to this question, like suggestion, 1, listen to this together with them. And then you could start with, oh, when I was in grade 7, I remember when, and bring your own story. You don't have to be the victim, but you saw this or you spoke up for somebody or you didn't speak up for somebody and you should have like bring yourself into it. You

51:14 - 51:42
Cheryl: don't have to be the perfect parent because we never are. No spoiler alert. We're all going to screw up all the time. But you know, when you bring a personal touch into it, I think sometimes now our kids are going, okay, she kind of gets it. He kind of gets it. It'd be helpful. Yeah, for sure. Okay, Amy, tell us how to work with you, how to find you, give us all the goods. Yeah, the 1 of the

51:42 - 52:30
Aime: ways to get ahold of me is through really email. And it's Amy AIME at inch by inch empowerment.com. And pop me a note, I offer free 20 minute consultations to parents or caring adults to see would I be a good fit to help your child. You can also follow me on, now this is more for the businesses or corporate or organizations like businesses and such. You can find me on LinkedIn. I have 2 accounts. The 1 you need to find has a pride flag and a star emoji type thing going on in my name. That is

52:30 - 52:48
Aime: my personal LinkedIn account where you can talk to me, ask me questions about coming to speak to your school, speak to your organization. Because I know what I'm about kids right now, yet I do do things with businesses around this topic to be honest.

52:48 - 52:49
Cheryl: Yeah. Yeah.

52:49 - 53:03
Aime: And the LGBT community, I just with my where I work during the day, I gave a wonderful webinar and I think I can get the recording of it About pronouns in the workplace and why that's important.

53:03 - 53:06
Cheryl: Yes We need a link to that.

53:06 - 53:08
Aime: Yeah, I'll have to ask

53:09 - 53:14
Cheryl: Well, I will put everything you're talking about in the show notes Anyways, hope you don't have to try and memorize this

53:14 - 53:14
Aime: I know

53:14 - 53:33
Cheryl: and again we will be putting out an announcement for a really important webinar coming up in February, where we are gonna dive into this insidious, terrible bullying. We need to, our mission is to just eradicate this, please and thank you, and bring awareness and-

53:33 - 53:39
Aime: Yes, And it's gonna be, am I, I'm thinking, right? It's gonna be for both the parent and the teenager.

53:39 - 53:43
Cheryl: Absolutely, absolutely. All are welcome.

53:44 - 53:48
Aime: Yeah. Yeah. We'll have like breakout rooms. I'll take the kids. Cheryl will work with

53:48 - 53:52
Cheryl: the wonderful caring adults. And yeah, so it'll be

53:52 - 54:19
Aime: a really great time. I'm looking forward to it. And yeah, just find me on LinkedIn or you can find me on Facebook yet. That's my personal Facebook. So, you know, private a little bit, even though I'm public about lots of things. Yeah, but if you want to talk to me about how I can help your child or come to your school or your youth group or your business, LinkedIn, it would be the better option for you to find me that way.

54:19 - 54:57
Cheryl: Perfect. Well, we will put that for everybody to click on when they need it. Amy Hutton, thank you again so much. This has been a pleasure, of course. And thank you for the work you do. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. Honestly, it's so needed and it's not over. We're on it. Yep. Thank you so much, Amy. And thank you for listening to Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for today's Complex World. Thank you for listening to another episode. I hope you loved this 1 as much as I did. And I just wanted to share something with you

54:57 - 55:37
Cheryl: because, you know, parenting teens is not just about managing these challenges that we talk about on all the episodes. It's also about evolving alongside them. And I'm Cheryl and not only the host of this podcast, but I'm also the creator of Insight to impact, coaching and consulting. And I help you, moms of teens, reconnect with your true selves so you can lead with purpose, you can parent with clarity, you can create stronger, more meaningful relationships with your kids. Because here's the truth, the transformation starts with you. Together we will break free from the stress and overwhelm.

55:37 - 56:10
Cheryl: We will rediscover your power. We will create the life and the family dynamic you always dreamed of. If you're ready to start this journey, let's do it. You might just not recognize your life in the next 90 days. It all starts with a call. There's no pitch. There's no pressure. Just a call to see if I can help. We'll talk about your goals. We'll talk about what's making you feel stuck and what might be getting in your way. And everything you need to connect with me is in the show notes. Again, I'm Cheryl. Thank you so

56:10 - 56:21
Cheryl: much for joining me here on parenting teens advice redefined for today's complex world and the creator of Insight to Impact, coaching and consulting. Have a great day.