# 69 "The Parent's Guide to Healing: Supporting Your Teen Through Trauma" with Kelly Moss

Navigating Trauma in Parenting with Kelly Moss

In this enlightening episode of Parenting Teens: Advice Redefined for Today's World, host Cheryl Pankhurst welcomes Kelly Moss, a certified trauma-informed intimacy coach, teacher, speaker, and author. Together, they delve into the complexities of trauma, particularly generational trauma, and its impact on parenting. Kelly shares her profound insights on how parents can navigate their own healing journeys to foster healthier relationships with their teens.

Listeners will learn about the different types of trauma, including "big T" and "small t" trauma, and how these experiences shape our parenting styles. Kelly emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and vulnerability in parenting, encouraging parents to break free from generational patterns and create a nurturing environment for their children.

This episode also addresses socioeconomic trauma, addiction, and the significance of maintaining a strong parent-child bond. Kelly's transformative perspective will inspire parents to embrace their own healing journeys, ultimately leading to more authentic and meaningful connections with their teens.

#ParentingTeens #TraumaInformedParenting #GenerationalTrauma #TeenParenting #HealingJourney #ParentingAdvice #MindfulParenting #KellyMoss #CherylPankhurst #InsightToImpact

"Welcome to Parenting Teens advice redefined for todays world, the podcast where we explore the journey of raising teenagers and rediscovering ourselves along the way. Today, I’m thrilled to welcome Kelly Moss, a certified trauma-informed intimacy coach, teacher, speaker, and author. Kelly empowers women to reclaim their inner power, heal from the past, and create lives that feel like a joyful, abundant second childhood. Her expertise spans navigating family estrangement, healing childhood trauma, and embracing embodied leadership as parents. Join us as we dive into practical strategies and transformative insights to help you—and your teens—thrive. Let's get started!"

Cheryl

00:01 - 01:05

Today's episode, we dive deep into the topic of trauma with Kelly Moss, who is a phenomenal trauma coach. She brings these amazing insights to the complexities of generational trauma and how we can parent through and with trauma. We also talk about the dynamics that cause parents to, you know, you just go from 0 to 10. The reaction doesn't really connect with the crime committed. Kelly helps us navigate these really challenging scenarios. Now, we also talk about the trauma of a socioeconomic. And, you know, Kelly just brought this huge, amazing insight and shift in perspective about when we feel like our kids aren't thankful for what they have or they want more and they're asking for this and asking for that and you grew up where you had nothing and you want them to have more but you want them to be grateful and she really, I'm not even going to spoil it, You have to listen to the episode, but she just turns things around in, in that insight.

Cheryl

01:05 - 01:36

And impact is just amazing. I just, I loved it. That was the biggest blow my mind moment. I am so grateful to have her before we dive into the episode. I just want to remind you, if you are looking for a coach as a parent of a teen and all things teenager, I am here for you. If you have a neurodivergent teen and you are looking for an advocate, someone who can read assessments, who can be your voice in school, who can take on your meetings. I am happy to be here for you there too.

Cheryl

01:36 - 02:17

So there are links in the show notes to work with me, coaching, consulting, and now let's just dive in. Kelly Moss and her expertise, Let's go. Welcome to another episode of Parenting Teens, Advice Redefined for Today's World. I'm your host, Cheryl Pankhurst, and this is the podcast where we explore the journey of raising our teenagers and rediscovering ourselves along the way. Today I'm thrilled to welcome Kelly Moss, a certified trauma-informed intimacy coach, teacher, speaker, and author. Kelly empowers women to reclaim their inner power, heal from the past, and create lives that feel like a joyful, abundant second childhood.

Cheryl

02:17 - 02:38

Her expertise spans navigating family estrangement, healing childhood trauma, and embracing embodied leadership as parents. Join us as we dive into practical strategies and transformative insights to help you and your teen thrive. And let's get started. Welcome Kelly Moss.

Kelly-Guest

02:39 - 02:42

Thanks so much, Cheryl. I'm excited to talk to you today.

Cheryl

02:43 - 03:16

Same here on this, you know, we get some heavy topics and here's my disclaimer right now that we are going to be talking about some heavy trauma and there will be some subjects in here that might be highly sensitive to people. So if you are listening in the car and your kids are in the car, or you're just not in a place to listen. Not that kids ever listen to the same podcast we do. I'm not delusional. But this is just a disclaimer that we are gonna be talking about some trauma. So I wanted you to know that before we started.

Cheryl

03:16 - 03:26

And Kelly, I'm so glad to have you here and I would really love to know what it is that inspired you to want to be on this podcast with me today.

Kelly-Guest

03:28 - 04:16

Yeah, so when you reached out to me and I checked out your podcast and your website, I immediately, so many things resonated with me, particularly about your approach to parenting, your philosophy of it starts in the parent. So, any kind of transformation that we want to bring about in our families or in our children, it starts with us with looking at our own behaviors and beliefs and you know, thoughts and feelings and noticing how we are already leading our children in the direction that we've taking them and from there looking at where where we want to go and that inner transformation just Beginning with us because we're the ones who have the power.

Cheryl

04:17 - 05:21

Yeah, yeah, I couldn't agree more. And I, and you know, I feel like it's just, and I don't know about you, I feel like it's never too late. You know, parents, I think sometimes they get to the kids are 16 and 17 and they're like no I just I just want them to get a job and get the heck out of my house and you know the sad thing about there's a lot of sad about that but 1 is that these teen years are magical And if we can claim who we are and our own truths and our own values and what we have to deal with and look into and repair and restore in ourselves, that can open the door to having some really amazing relationships because they don't just leave like these are you these are your humans forever and you know, my kids are 34 and 30 and they're my best friends like they're just my best friends and not that we didn't have any trauma, we had a lot of stuff going on in the house.

Cheryl

05:21 - 05:58

And I'm certainly not perfect, but this is what led me to say, hey, I've been there in some ways. And you know, it's, you know, the bandaid strategies, I feel like sometimes we put on the teen issues Are just that they're band-aids where if we can turn it around It's not them. It's you That that's the magic right? That's the power because now we have full control. And I love that. And when we talk about, you know, I don't know, do you think we all have some kind of trauma?

Kelly-Guest

06:00 - 06:16

Probably. I think probably. It's hard to escape childhood without any kind of trauma. I think even the nuclear family itself can be inherently traumatic. It's a more radical view that I have but yeah,

Cheryl

06:18 - 06:36

I Believe that too and I think you know is trauma Tell me is trauma passed down and passed down and generationally? Like, can I be struggling with trauma now that my great-grandmother went through? Is this something that's a valid point?

Kelly-Guest

06:38 - 07:26

Absolutely. I've discovered this through my own personal growth journey. I've had flashes even of my ancestors in foreign lands, experiences of that and through my Womb healing, especially as women, we store a lot of ancestral trauma in our pelvic area. I've had a lot of ancestral stuff come up that some of which I've experienced echoes of in my own childhood or adult life, but some of it that just felt like this is beyond something that I have direct experience with. So, absolutely.

Cheryl

07:27 - 08:07

And so before somebody thinks, oh my gosh, like there's just, I'll never get through this. There is an answer to this right there is help for this There is a way through correct Absolutely, that's the good news So I want to say, you know when we're as parents and I'm gonna go to the teenage thing because that's I spent 30 years with the teenager area and you know the younger kids up to I think it's a whole different realm and not something I'm really experienced in but the teenagers yes absolutely. So I want to know there are different types of trauma I know.

Cheryl

08:07 - 08:17

Is there something called like a big T-trauma and a small T-trauma? Like I've heard that, is that something that you agree with that you feel is something?

Kelly-Guest

08:19 - 09:02

You know, I've heard that. It's not language that I personally use because in my experience the approach is the same to healing it so yeah it's it's all trauma And what might seem little to somebody might be really big to somebody else. And so I haven't really found a use for differentiating. I think, if anything, this little trauma, big trauma language can just maybe help us identify that there are traumas that may not seem like traumas that are equally important for us to address and that may just be more insidious than others are more deeply ingrained in our culture.

Kelly-Guest

09:03 - 09:08

And so we don't notice them because, you know, like fish in water, it's just there we breathe.

Cheryl

09:09 - 10:04

Yeah, that's really interesting you said that because you can, you know, you hear people say, I wasn't sexually abused. I didn't, My mom didn't slap me over the head every time I did something wrong. So I'm good, I'm fine. But there could still be something there, especially when you figure in your day-to-day parenting, if you find yourself, so let's say this, mom finds herself instantly going from a 0 to a 10 in rage. And It's about anything. It's about the sock on the floor. It's about a broken window. It's about you know they skip school like where the reaction on the outside the reaction doesn't fit the crime.

Cheryl

10:04 - 10:19

Do you know what I mean? Can you talk to that? Yes, I do. Okay, okay, go. So if that's what a parent is noticing, and I'm gonna say a mom, but it doesn't matter, a parent is noticing, what would you say to that? Like what would be something to work through that?

Kelly-Guest

10:23 - 11:36

Well you know first of all the fact that a parent is noticing that and identifying it as a problem is huge. That already shows a generational shift you know so that's it's already something powerful is going on that we're like wait a minute this isn't something I want to pass down in my family and it can be it can be so complex because when there's a big blow up over something that looks very small it could be that you know mom's needs haven't been met in several years emotionally physically you know she could be heading towards burnout she could be feeling really unsupported in her parenting or in life in general, particularly with, you know, maybe resolving her own traumas and like there's just so much And I've, I grew up with, my mother struggled with her anger and rage a lot and that's something I have experienced with as well personally, which it totally shocked me because I had done what I thought was so much inner work before I became a parent.

Kelly-Guest

11:37 - 12:35

And yeah and then I was like wow why is this why is this upsetting me so much and just feeling like oh my gosh like it I've done all this work and still in a sense I became my mother. And you know, 1 thing that's been really powerful for me with regard to anger specifically is really validating it and accepting it. Because I think when there's a layer of shame or stigma attached to anger, particularly for us as women, we're not supposed to be that way. It's unfeminine, it's, you know, all of this stuff. That there's not really space for us to even have the emotions and it's different from validating the emotion isn't the same as giving it permission to destroy somebody else, you know.

Kelly-Guest

12:35 - 13:23

Validation isn't permission, validation isn't approval, it's just saying, I am so effing mad right now and that is real and that's important and it's okay, you know, and kind of counter-intuitively maybe that can help take the power out of it because when we can acknowledge the anger And you know, if it's our, a really angry inner child who is feeling put upon by her outer child, you know, they're competing for our attention now, right? Maybe we don't have enough time for ourselves. That inner child needs to be validated and seen or else she is not going to stop.

Kelly-Guest

13:24 - 14:07

She's gonna keep doing what she has to do to get our own attention, whether that means getting louder, you know, throwing something. I mean, she'll she'll do what she has to do. She'll throw the tantrum. And it's our job to meet her there and be like, I get that you're so, so angry. This is real. This is OK. It's valid. And that is the medicine sometimes that can take the power out of it and the need to express it outwardly. Because if we're seeing ourselves and we don't need to be seen so much in it, We don't need to act out in order to be taken care of or

Cheryl

14:09 - 14:48

Yeah, so let's let's go right down that path so Jane walks in the house and tosses her books on the floor and you know throws her coat on the ground and Immediately mom is enraged like just enraged 0 to 10 in that moment in that aware, how does mom check in with herself and what does she do in that moment? What can she do in that moment instead of the reaction? How do we say, okay, this is it. Now you do this.

Kelly-Guest

14:51 - 15:47

So sometimes it depends. It depends, how old is Jane? What are her immediate needs? Just maybe, if Jane is young, can we fix her a quick you know snack plate and then excuse ourselves or is Jane old enough to where we can just be like you know I need a minute Or can we just even just leave the room without saying anything because we don't dare open our mouths because we can't trust what's going to come out, you know? So there's that the child's developmental needs to consider. And in that moment, I think just, you know, people, here's the thing, people always say to like, you know, step back, go to another room and like, Man, it's so hard to do that.

Kelly-Guest

15:47 - 16:31

Honestly, like it takes so much to just hit pause on that impulse to react. And it's not an easy thing. And I think that can be really important to acknowledge for parents. Because when I've heard parenting coaches say, just step inside a different room and you're like, my child is 18 months old, you know what I mean? Like, what are you even talking about? Like, just really acknowledge how hard it is, I think, can be the first step, You know, because it's not just because it's hard doesn't mean we can't do it. And when we really acknowledge how hard it is, that can help us make the choice and take the shame out of out of our experience and our impulses.

Kelly-Guest

16:33 - 17:12

So, and I don't know, I mean, and I get it, you know, that the kid coming home from school and you've actually been thinking about them all day, you've actually been looking forward to spending time with them, you're actually excited for them to come home and feeling so well resourced even. And then they walk in the door and you just feel so mad and you're like, what happened? Like, this isn't how it was supposed to go, you know? And so, it's just like that sometimes, you know? And we can, that information we have can, you know, we can follow that trigger to what is going on underneath the surface and it could be any number of things.

Kelly-Guest

17:13 - 17:32

You know, the throwing the books could be a trigger from childhood physical threats or intimidation. You know, it could be something we took personally, emotionally, if the child didn't say hi, you know, or in a smile or something, you know, projecting our own mother wounds, maybe, or, you know, you never know, it could be any number of things. So

Cheryl

17:33 - 17:33

yeah,

Kelly-Guest

17:34 - 17:49

and I think the other other part of it for me is really, you know, if we can also put pressure on ourselves to do it. Here's part of the problem is we're trying to do everything perfectly, right? And we're like,

Cheryl

17:49 - 17:50

oh my God.

Kelly-Guest

17:50 - 18:33

And so we want to make sure that we're, you know, healing correctly in a way that is going to be good for our kids too. And we're like juggling so much, but, But something's got to give sometimes, you know, and I, you know, when parents are like trying to, they're like, it's like, put on a movie for the child, they will be thrilled, you know, let them eat whatever they want in the fridge, you know, just like, let them be like, they're going to be fine. Like it's better to give yourself some space so that you can come back When you're more regulated and able to be present with your child That's more important than maintaining some kind of strict You know routines with your kids.

Kelly-Guest

18:33 - 18:33

Yeah.

Cheryl

18:33 - 19:11

Well, I think fine too when you start and I found myself yelling a few times when my kids were young and like teenager young. And it's almost like this voice in my head is saying, stop it, like just stop it. But the shame is making me more mad. And so it's like spiral, spiral, spiral, spiral. And it just, you know, you're right. And I think, oh, all day long, they're going to be home, I'm so excited, we're going to have popcorn, we have a movie, blah, blah, blah. And then I've ruined the whole night for something so irrelevant at the moment.

Cheryl

19:12 - 19:28

And I find that, you know, as I'm thinking back, like when I got mad, the shame would make me more mad and I would react as opposed to back off, Cheryl, like just stop. And yeah, I think that shame thing is really important to talk about.

Kelly-Guest

19:30 - 20:02

It so is and I'm so glad you brought it up because and that's almost a problem that's gotten worse with all of the awareness we now have about dysfunctional family dynamics and stuff because and we have access to all of the information at our fingertips with the internet and all of this and healing resources and so we feel like we should really have it under control by now because how could we not, you know. But the truth is that these systems, these dysfunctional systems weren't built in a day and they're not going to be taken down in a day either.

Kelly-Guest

20:02 - 20:41

And we are just 1 generation doing the work of 1 generation, you know, the same way that our, or my mother's generation paved the way for women to work outside the home, you know. And, and that was their role and they couldn't do it all, You know, they couldn't do everything that I'm doing now with, in my family. But yeah, the shame, that shame, and I've really, I've experienced that so much too and then the voice of like, you're a horrible parent and you know, all this and then you're not just mad at your kid anymore, you're mad at yourself and it's, yeah.

Kelly-Guest

20:41 - 20:42

Sandra.

Cheryl

20:42 - 21:26

Yeah, it's so true. It's so hard and we've all been there. And so I want to talk about so if there let's see if we were to say there's a socioeconomic kind of trauma so born into poverty, generations of poverty, and now you've got this teenager and you've got this mindset of scarcity and poverty type of trauma. How would that show up in in day-to-day life and how would we recognize that and work with that not through that immediately but how do we start working with that?

Kelly-Guest

21:27 - 22:10

That's a great question and this it's really it's really common you know in the parents I talked to where they will feel upset that their kids don't realize how good they have it, materially speaking. You know, the parents have worked so, so hard to give their kids, you know, the fancy christmas that they always dreamed of when they were children or you know never the children don't know any form of poverty they've never wanted for anything and And the problem comes up is when the parent wants the child to be grateful for something small, and maybe the kid wants something a little bit more.

Kelly-Guest

22:10 - 23:08

Or it can be asking for something that's not being happy with a gift, or wanting to an expensive meal or something, something that they've been accustomed to because their standards have been raised and my perspective on this is that it's really hard but this is actually evidence of success because your child's nervous system is not what it attuned it's not the right word but to poverty this is a good thing Their standards have been raised, they have been healed, this wound has been healed in your children and now it's triggering us but that doesn't mean it's a problem because what you've done is set a higher standard for their lives so that wealth is going to feel normal to them.

Kelly-Guest

23:08 - 24:06

They're not going to accept less at the workplace or in relationships. They're not going to join somebody in the struggle bus and, you know, date somebody who financially ruins them or any number of examples of how poverty trauma can show up, although it still could. But yeah, I think when children are ungrateful, it is actually, it can be a sign of that we've actually achieved what we wanted for them. You know, we didn't, we don't want them to suffer like we did and when we achieve that, it can, it can be hard for us emotionally because we want we then we come and see what it's cost us is it's cost it's cost them not being happy with very very little you know in in many different ways and you know we can be proud of ourselves for the way that we adapted.

Kelly-Guest

24:06 - 24:42

I didn't personally grow up in poverty but I mean applying this more widely and and also with the clients I've worked with we can be proud of what we used to survive you know the creativity and you know making ends meet and all of this. And we can still, we can find new outlets for that creativity now, you know. And there are other ways to teach children, You know, how to be generous and grateful without them having to suffer, you know, and be traumatized by poverty.

Cheryl

24:44 - 25:23

I love that answer. And I think that that's what a shift and I love that because if we are Addressing the fact we don't think they're grateful for something you know, we're just instilling more shame like we're putting that cycle back in there. And so your perspective on that, I love that. We've solved it. They're expecting more. Great, they're supposed to expect more. And wow, to look at that as a win, I think that's amazing. And I feel like, you know, It's so funny when I grew up. I was didn't grow up in poverty either.

Cheryl

25:23 - 25:57

However I grew up and this is I'll never ever slam any parents including my own Everybody does what they can and the best they can and this is never so I'm not slamming anybody and I never will. But I grew up in a family, it was just me. So as an only child, everybody thought you know you're so spoiled and you get everything and blah, blah, blah. And I would never, like literally never ask for anything. I would go to school and my mom would say, oh, do you have lunch money? And I'd be, yeah, no, I'm fine.

Cheryl

25:58 - 26:52

And I would not have any money for lunch because I kept hearing how good of a girl I was because I would never ask for anything. Only children always ask for stuff and they always want stuff and they're so spoiled. And I never did. I got to the point where I was so the opposite that I would never ask, even if I needed it, I would like sweat if I needed to ask for money and so now that has completely flipped where my kids you know when they when I know they're struggling it's like I instantly go here because I don't want them to feel like they have to ask me like I will always offer and it's not Always where I can dish out money all the time by any means if I can help I do and their dad is the same but it's just funny how that I I feel I totally empathize with how they feel if I think they're on the other end of asking me for help.

Cheryl

26:53 - 27:26

That just like constricts me completely and the only thing I can do to release it is say oh here here I'm gonna send you this I'm gonna send you this and and I love to be able to do that. It's such a gift. And they're both so incredibly grateful. But I just find that that's funny that I live in poverty, but I would not ask for a damn thing. There's no way It's just, and so that circles back in my life that way. And I think, yeah, your perspective there is just, I love that. It's a win.

Cheryl

27:26 - 27:57

If they're expecting more, it's a win. Amazing. Like who would have thought? How many people say, oh my God, I gave them this, I gave them this and now they want something else. And if you go on all of these parenting Facebook groups after Christmas, all of the conversation is I gave them an iPad, I gave them a watch and I didn't give them the best earbuds and now they're mad at me and I'm like, oh, 0 my goodness. And now you're just shifting that in my brain right now as I go through these conversations like, oh, well, that was a win.

Cheryl

27:58 - 28:03

And yeah, there is a conversation about being, you know, what you can and can't afford. But I think too,

Kelly-Guest

28:04 - 28:04

I don't

Cheryl

28:04 - 28:38

know if this is an added thing, but when money in your home is a secret, nobody talks about it. I grew up in a generation where you never talked about, like my mom would never tell me how much she made or or how much my dad made or how much the car cost or how much the mortgage was like never. So I would have no idea what we had or didn't have And so now I think if people are a little more open to, well, this is what I have and this is what I don't have and this is what it costs, there's no shame.

Cheryl

28:38 - 29:10

Like even my kids now at their age who they're talking about the price of groceries and my daughter thinking, and I hate to quote her because she's going to edit this but you know talking about I don't think I'm good with money because I'm spending so much on groceries. I know we all are spending this kind of money and this is how much it costs me every month. So it's easy for me to say here put it all on the table because now there's no shame and how you're handling your money is you know what I mean like It just feels like it's just connecting the dots for me now.

Cheryl

29:11 - 30:01

It's like, interesting to me. All right, so let's go to... Yeah, right? This is so interesting. Okay, I gotta remember we're talking to other people as well, not just me. Let's talk about addiction. I wanna know how parents who have gone through addiction and I think the term is you're always in recovery. What is the difference in parenting through a recovery when you've got teens who are bringing all these ideas and social media and being attached to what you can get addicted to, how do we parent through that if we are in recovery or even currently addicted?

Cheryl

30:01 - 30:11

I don't know. What does that look like in a house? And how do we, how do we recognize it and start maybe working through that?

Kelly-Guest

30:12 - 31:09

Yeah, that's a great question. And it's a pretty big 1, you know? Yeah, I have an addiction history and I actually don't identify as someone who's always in recovery. I've found that to be, for me, a somewhat disempowering narrative that I believe is rooted in the model of the understanding of addiction as you know, a disease or something that is permanent. When in my experience and study, it is very much rooted in trauma. And so for me, you know, I used to drink for like 14 years until my late 20s alcoholically and through healing trauma, I have found that these substances don't have any power over me anymore.

Kelly-Guest

31:09 - 32:15

I don't drink anyways but it's because I healed the toxic shame underneath my substance use and so alcohol doesn't do anything for me anymore. It doesn't make me feel better. It just makes me feel, you know, a little disoriented. So it doesn't really have a purpose in my life. I don't keep alcohol in the home, not even for guests or anything. I really think that when it comes to teens and alcohol use, you know, I think because of the framework that I have of understanding addiction as being rooted in trauma, then you know it follows that my approach to preventing addiction or attempting to in my own family is about maintaining our connection Because it's the severing of the parent-child attachment bond that leads to this developmental trauma, the attachment trauma that creates the conditions where addiction can thrive to begin with.

Kelly-Guest

32:15 - 32:54

So I focus on that. I focus on, which is 1 of the reasons why I wanted to work from home and you know, raise my child myself and not have to you know, have other people take care of her throughout the day because I wanted to maintain that bond with her, especially in her younger years. And so I think that's the most important thing, you know, and obviously kids, especially teens go through a lot of stuff outside of the home. The older they get, the more vulnerable they become potentially to trauma outside of the family.

Kelly-Guest

32:57 - 33:30

And maintaining our connection with them and ongoing conversation, being in their safe place where they can come and tell us anything, where we're the first people they want to tell when something goes wrong, you know, that is the way that we can parent them through the teen years as best as we can when there are things like, you know, alcohol and drugs and various other sort of, I don't know, temptations or dangers like that.

Cheryl

33:31 - 33:58

Yeah. I would love to get your take on this question. When kids are underage, there's this this conversation I hear it all the time, I've heard it since I had young kids. Well, yeah, I let them drink in the house, even though they're 16 or 17 or 18. I let them drink in the house because I'd rather them get drunk in front of me than outside of the house. What's your take?

Kelly-Guest

34:00 - 35:30

So I went to high school with those kids. And well, they don't just drink in the house. They drink everywhere. I mean, I can't speak for every teen who goes through this, but that was my experience. They party with their parents and then they they partied at my house too when there were no parents present. And yeah I I don't know I I tend to think that this is can be I don't want to sound too puritanical because I know that you know Americans tend to have a different view of alcohol and things like this you know compared to the French but I think that if the parents and the kids are drinking alcohol together I don't know I guess I can't really imagine why it would be important to introduce your own children to alcohol unless you have an alcohol use habit and you know like I wouldn't I don't drink now I wouldn't bring alcohol into my home to like help introduce my daughter to it in a safe place like that doesn't make any sense you know and I I think with the same thing with parents who struggle who you know complain about their children's you know media consumption or sugar consumption or anything generally the adult is the 1 who has the addiction and they don't know how to manage it in their child because they don't know how to manage it in themselves.

Cheryl

35:32 - 36:22

I'm 100% behind that and I don't understand, I would never, my kids were not allowed to have a sip of anything until they were of age, ever. And I kind of related it to, well, you're not allowed to legally drive till you're 16. And then you hear, and I've seen parents with the kids driving around the parking lot when they're 15. So they get, I feel like there's age limits and there's reasons for those age limits and you get to earn that by becoming that age and then moving forward. And so never in my life would I, you know, kids use people even when I went to work were just like, oh yeah, I'd rather my, no, no, my kid doesn't get a sip.

Cheryl

36:22 - 36:54

And you know, their dad is Sicilian, so they would, you know, the wine would be in the house all the time. Nope, they're not getting that either. So I was, I just had this thing about I don't understand that whole logic and I feel like you've explained it in that in a good way. Like, I mean, we drank at home, but we, neither of us were alcoholics. We didn't have a problem with alcohol, but we did have alcohol in the house. And I never ever had any kind of desire to have a drink with my kid.

Cheryl

36:54 - 37:36

And I'll tell you something that resonates with me is probably 5 years ago, 5 years ago. So I'm 60, 55. My kid came to my place downtown to visit and I had gone out with some friends, took an Uber home and I had had a couple of drinks and I was sitting in my chair and I was kind of being I guess goofy and My daughter said that's the first time I've ever seen you loopy and I was like Good Okay, I'm kind of wish you didn't see me then but To be able to say my kids have never seen me drunk, I was so proud of that.

Cheryl

37:36 - 38:19

And I just don't think there's any logic or validation to being the party parent. I really don't. And I think that sends a different message but anyway I'm glad you I'm glad you answered that because I think trying to I can't imagine trying to parent through addiction like what kind of Would there be a difference between your teen coming home with beer on their breath at 16 and you have 0 issues with addiction, you've never had a problem with addiction, and in a different scenario you are going through addiction or you are in, and I agree with the recovery thing.

Cheryl

38:19 - 38:39

I think once you're done, you're done. But like, how would that play out in the house and how would that kind of scenario would that be, you know, you're 16 year old coming home and just smelling like beer, you kind of have a hint, what would that play out as if you had that trauma as a parent?

Kelly-Guest

38:42 - 39:29

Well you know of course I'd be catastrophizing a little bit like oh no I didn't break the cycle and you know, you know, wondering, you know, there's a difference between a child or a teen who tries alcohol and 1 who develops a habit of it and that difference is trauma. And but in my brain initially I'd probably be like, oh I screwed up badly enough that they're you know now you know seeking refuge and escape and alcohol and all this you know. But then I'd come to my senses and realize, okay, this was 1 thing, you know, maybe we can talk about it a little bit, you know.

Kelly-Guest

39:30 - 40:09

I'd love to know what the experience is that she's having, because that's not something that I could ever talk to my parents about. It was drinking is bad, even though my father was drinking alcoholically every single day. Drinking is bad, you're not supposed to do it and but and you even with all the drug and alcohol prevention programs in school, they never tell you that the reason why people do this stuff is because it feels good because it helps you cope with the dysregulated nervous system. They just tell you all the bad stuff which doesn't help prepare you for the good experiences that you might have, you know.

Kelly-Guest

40:09 - 40:25

Yeah. And it doesn't help you handle it, it makes you feel like they don't understand because why am I feeling so, why am I feeling like I just, why am I having this hallelujah experience with something that they, like, they must not know what they're talking about. They must never have tried this stuff.

Cheryl

40:26 - 40:56

It's so true. Right? That's so true. Yeah. Well, you know, and I guess we have to wrap this up soon, but I want to ask this question. From a mom's perspective or a parent's perspective, how Does our healing journey influence our ability to parent with authenticity and with strength? Like, why is this important?

Kelly-Guest

40:58 - 42:05

Kateya Yeah, that's such a powerful question. You know, I think if we haven't done any self-reflection, then we're parenting from the default settings, which is what our parents did and the society we were raised in, which is, at least in our generations, heavily influenced by institutions, you know, patriarchal institutions. And so, the family is the unit of society where culture is reproduced right it's not just you know having a baby it's where so when we interrupt that and and you know we're the whatever the government or whatever wants us to have babies to make more workers and all that but when we pause and and with an approach parenting with intention why am I doing this what do I want for my child what do they want for their own lives then we're not just fulfilling someone else's agenda for our own lives or for the world.

Kelly-Guest

42:05 - 42:53

We are taking the power that we have to co-create not only our own lives, but to co-create the whole world and the future. And we can transform the way that the world works even you know by kids following their passions and having businesses that reflect who they really are and you know living independently of bosses and teachers and you know all these other authority figures in society you know we can we can do things differently and we can have lives where we're actually living for ourselves and not just being feasted on by these parasitic forces.

Cheryl

42:54 - 43:31

Yeah, I couldn't agree with you more and I, you know, I always think, I say this all the time in the podcasts is, you know, our kids are not, they might not be actually listening to us. That's okay, but they're watching us. They're watching everything we do. And if we, if they're watching us Be authentic, be able to be aware that we're doing something that we shouldn't be doing, saying something that, oh, maybe I could have said that a different way. Oh, maybe I need to talk to somebody about that, like me, like really put it out there that we all have shit.

Cheryl

43:32 - 44:13

And, you know, I made the mistake when my kids were teenagers thinking I had to know everything I couldn't say I didn't know I had to know I'm the mom this is what I'm supposed to do I'm always right and that's generational generational but I always had and I was the human Google and now it's like oh I could have said I have no friggin clue Let's figure this out together. Because then they have permission to say, I have no frigging clue. Let's figure this out together. Like it's just, it's this ripple effect. Like If we're doing the work, even if we're not sitting down and telling them the work that we're doing, they see it.

Cheryl

44:14 - 44:55

Oh, she reacted a little differently this way. Like, oh, I wonder if it was the meditation, I wonder if it was the book, I wonder if it was, you know, they start seeing that and it's such a, like, you're not just changing yourself, you're cutting the generational trauma. You're changing it for everybody, like, it's not just you and it's not just the people in front of you. You're changing the world, essentially. If you are able to recognize what's happening, have awareness of what's going on, dig deep, do the work. Like, it just, it all, you know, it's not overnight, like you said, it's not overnight.

Cheryl

44:56 - 45:36

But it's, I feel like if they're watching us, then we're giving them permission to just live their own true selves. And, you know, I was saying this to somebody the other day, you know, whenever I go to these masterclasses, you know, you see these masterclasses on Facebook or whatever all the time about mindset or living your purpose or whatever. And whenever I jump into these things, it's always people my age or like maybe a little bit younger but not much. And you know they've gone through their whole life until 55 and then going, oh I get to do what I wanna do.

Cheryl

45:36 - 46:16

There's something I love. So by doing this now, by doing the work now, you're letting your kids skip that middleman of 25 years of doing what they think they should do and just do what feels really good and do what they love and have a life that they love instead of waiting and waiting until finally you know you snap and just say okay I can't do this anymore but now I'm 55. And so I think that's so important to like the vulnerability and just speaking your truth is just so important and valuable.

Kelly-Guest

46:18 - 46:42

I so agree with you. I love everything you just said and and that's what I was gonna chime in with it's That growth mindset piece of I actually don't know and But I can find out and I can figure it out and the vulnerability it takes to do that I think is in itself 1 of the most important transformations of all regardless of where it leads to, you know?

Cheryl

46:43 - 46:45

Yeah, I think... Letting

Kelly-Guest

46:45 - 46:47

go of the fathod, you know? Yeah.

Cheryl

46:47 - 46:47

And that's

Kelly-Guest

46:47 - 46:50

what can bring us so, so close to our kids too.

Cheryl

46:50 - 47:36

Yeah, yeah. And that's, you know, again, we're not, we're not raising kids, we're raising humans to come out, you know, go out into this world and just like change the world and love and kindness and all of those great things that they only see from you to start. They're only looking at you. And so if we are, you know, again, vulnerable and honest and speaking our truth. I think that just works wonders for our kids and ourselves and of course generations to come. I could just talk to you forever, Kelly, but I can't. I think we have to have a sequel because there's so many different traumas I want to work through here.

Cheryl

47:37 - 47:52

Not specifically for me, but yeah, we can do a sequel. So let's just tell everybody how to work with you, how to find you. I know you are in the middle of an amazing accomplishment. So talk about that and when it's available for everybody.

Kelly-Guest

47:54 - 48:34

Yes, I just finished writing my book. It's called The Second Childhood. It'll be released through the Unbound press. I'm not sure exactly when, hopefully in the next few months, but you can stay up to date on that through connecting with me on Facebook is probably the best way to stay up to date with everything, you know, my coaching, my book, my email list, the courses I offer and yeah, all kinds of stuff. And I love hanging out with people on social media too. So more conversations to be had, hopefully. I really look forward to it.

Cheryl

48:34 - 48:43

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna put all of that in the show notes and I think we should make a tentative book review podcast when it comes out. Oh! How's that sound?

Kelly-Guest

48:43 - 48:43

Let's do it, yeah.

Cheryl

48:43 - 49:20

Yeah, let's do it. Thank you, Kelly Moss. I am so grateful for the work that you're doing in this world and you know, there's just it's never gonna end but when we have people like you chipping away at it and chipping away at it, we're making a huge difference in the world and I really appreciate that and I want to thank the listeners and you know what if there's episodes to share then this is 1 because you just don't know who's sitting at home alone wondering what the hell's going wrong with their life And then they get this in their ear and it changes their life and then it changes the world.

Cheryl

49:21 - 50:23

And so please share, please subscribe, do all the things that we need to do to make podcasts go farther and to help more people. And thank you for listening and we'll see you next time. Bye for now. Thank you for listening to another episode. I hope you loved this 1 as much as I did and I just wanted to share something with you because you know parenting teens is not just about managing these challenges that we talked about on all the episodes it's also about evolving alongside them and I'm Cheryl and not only the host of this podcast but I'm also the creator of Insight to Impact, coaching and consulting and I help you moms of teens reconnect with your true selves so you can lead with purpose, you can parent with clarity, you can create stronger more meaningful relationships with your kids because here's the truth, the transformation starts with you.

Cheryl

50:23 - 50:56

Together we will break free from the stress and overwhelm. We will rediscover your power. We will create the life and the family dynamic you always dreamed of. If you're ready to start this journey, let's do it. You might just not recognize your life in the next 90 days. It all starts with a call. There's no pitch. There's no pressure, just a call to see if I can help. We'll talk about your goals, we'll talk about what's making you feel stuck and what might be getting in your way. And everything you need to connect with me is in the show notes.

Cheryl

50:57 - 51:10

Again, I'm Cheryl. Thank you so much for joining me here on Parenting Teens, advice redefined for today's complex world and the creator of Insight to Impact, coaching and consulting. Have a great day.