# 70 "Why Doesn't My Teen Do Chores after EVERYTHING I do for them?!"

Welcome to another insightful episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined! In today’s episode, host Cheryl Pinkers dives into a hot topic that resonates with many parents: the struggle of getting teens to do chores. Why do our teenagers seem to overlook the obvious tasks around the house? Cheryl shares her personal experiences and offers practical strategies to shift the dynamic between parents and teens.

Discover how to set clear expectations, foster collaboration, and create a respectful environment where responsibilities are shared. By the end of this episode, you’ll walk away with a new perspective on parenting teens, one that emphasizes communication and mutual respect.

Cheryl

00:01 - 00:45

Hi, friends, and welcome to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined. For today's complex world, I am your host, Cheryl Pankhurst and I am here to explore the messy, beautiful, and sometimes very frustrating world of parenting teens. I am a transformational coach, a consultant for parents who have kids with neurodivergent teenagers, And I am also and probably most importantly, the mom who has walked down this road and stumbled on it and kind of got up, dusted myself off and kept going. But I'm here to help you maybe miss out on some of those potholes along the way.

Cheryl

00:45 - 01:19

Today, we are tackling the hot topic. Why doesn't my teen do chores? And more broadly why doesn't my kid do? What I think is so obvious there's a dish in the sink put it in the friggin dishwasher There's a sock on the floor pick it up put it in the hamper Why don't they do things that are so obvious to us as moms? And I say this is a hot topic because I am on so many private groups for parenting teenagers And this is on the daily of a conversation a complaint of frustration And I get it listen I have walked this path.

Cheryl

01:20 - 02:02

So I know exactly what you're saying and it's a conversation that's happened in my house many times But in today's episode i'm going to be answering questions. You probably ask yourself on the daily Like why do teens act like cleaning a room or putting the dishes away is optional? Why do they ask us for rides and for money and for help, but they act like we owe them these things? And most importantly, how can I shift this dynamic without completely losing my sanity? So by the end of this episode, you're going to walk away with a new perspective, one that's less about frustration, more about clarification, communication, and collaboration.

Cheryl

02:02 - 02:38

And keeping in mind that all of these skills are ones we want our kids to learn anyway, because we're not raising kids anymore, we're raising humans. So let's start by painting the picture that might feel very familiar to you. Your teen's room looks like a tornado blew through it. Dishes are stacked up in their room like they're trying to open their own buffet. And despite all of this, they have the audacity to ask you for a ride to the mall or money for the concert. That sound familiar? So what do you do? Probably what most of us have done and would do, you snap.

Cheryl

02:38 - 03:29

You launch into the laundry list. I drive you everywhere. I cook I clean I do your laundry and this is how you repay me And maybe just maybe your team hits you with the ultimate gut punch. I didn't ask you to do all that Now if you're anything like me, that's when you truly lose it But let's pause just for a minute and ask ourselves Are they actually wrong? Here's the shift Most of us haven't clearly defined our expectations. We assume our teens understand the unspoken rules of the house because we understand them. Cleaning up, doing chores and being respectful feels obvious to us because we have internalized these as adults, but our teens, they're still learning.

Cheryl

03:29 - 04:15

And without clarity, it's like playing a game with no rule book. Also, they can't and very likely don't want to read your mind. They don't know you've had a terrible day, they don't know you're exhausted, they don't know the bills are piling up, and they don't know that you didn't sleep well last night. And what have I told you? There's a better way, and one that doesn't involve yelling, nagging, or feeling like you're on this emotional roller coaster. So here's the strategy. Here's where we flip the script. Set your expectations way before. Instead of waiting until you're fed up to address the mess, set your very clear, concise expectations ahead of time.

Cheryl

04:16 - 04:53

For example, Sunday night at dinner, you are going to create, as a family, the layout of the week. Create the checklist of what needs to get done. Dishes, laundry, tidying up, whatever's important in your home. Keep the conversation simple. Here's the plan for the week. Don't start nagging ahead of time. And remember, this is a fresh start. So you're not bringing back the history of last week. This is a fresh start. You're going to keep it very simple. Here's the plan. Let's take a look at the list together. Is there anything here that you can't do?

Cheryl

04:53 - 05:28

And let's talk about that. Listen, collaboration is key. And when your teams feel like they have a say in the process, they are more than likely to follow through because it's not just being told. Now you're going to link those responsibilities to the privileges. This is not about punishment. Punishment and discipline is That's another episode. It's about a natural consequence. If you want to ride to the mall, great. But first, make sure the list is complete. Check the list that's on the fridge. You're going to keep it visible so you're not completely rhyming off everything you agreed to on Sunday.

Cheryl

05:29 - 06:04

It's on the list. It's on the fridge. Go check it. Just check it. You want a ride to the mall? Great. Check the list. And when the inevitable happens, when something isn't done, don't engage in the ping-pong argument. Instead, simply say, check the list. No drama. No negotiation. The list will speak for itself. Acknowledge their needs too. This is a two-way street. So you ask your team, what's on your schedule this week? What do you need from me? Whether it's a ride, extra cash, help with a project, show them you're willing to meet their needs.

Cheryl

06:05 - 06:42

Fosters a mutual respect. You care about their schedule and what they need as much as you want them to care about yours. If it's a one-way street, it's not collaborative. And what are we teaching them? Now we're going to stay consistent. The first week or two is not going to be easy. It's not going to go exactly as planned. There will be pushback, but consistency is your superpower. Keep pointing to the list and the agreements you've made. And over time, this will become the new normal. Here's what I want you to take from this. Teens are not lazy, they're not entitled, and they're not defiant by nature.

Cheryl

06:42 - 07:24

They're navigating a complicated phase of life where independence and responsibility are constantly butting heads. And as parents, our job isn't to clean up after them or to micromanage every move. It's to guide them with clarity, consistency, and a whole lot of patience. So the next time you're about to explode over those dirty dishes or the unmade bed, pause, take a deep breath, and instead of launching into the laundry list, just say, Check the list. Thank you for joining me here on Parenting Teens Advice Redefined. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need to hear it.

Cheryl

07:24 - 07:54

You can even share it with your teen and see what they think. As always, I really want to hear your thoughts, what works for you in shifting the chore wars with your teen. Drop me a message or connect with me on the social media handle, Cheryl A. Pinkers, at Instagram or Facebook. Until next time, it's not about being perfect. It's about being present. You've got this. And stay tuned. Following this, you will learn how to work with me a little closer. You want to do a deep dive. You want to get on a call just to see if there's something I can do to help you.

Cheryl

07:54 - 08:41

Keep on listening. Thanks for being here. I know you probably have 8 million things to do. So I'm so, so grateful that I'm on that list of 8 million because, you know, sometimes parenting can feel like you're just failing, failing, failing when things go off the rails. But you know, if you're still trying, You're not failing. So if you're listening to these podcasts, if you're Googling answers for something, if you have all the books, listen, then you're not failing. You're still trying. And that's awesome. I celebrate you. Until next time. Thank you. Thank you for listening to another episode.

Cheryl

08:41 - 09:19

I hope you loved this one as much as I did. And I just wanted to share something with you because, you know, parenting teens is not just about managing these challenges that we talked about on all the episodes. It's also about evolving alongside them. And I'm Cheryl, and not only the host of this podcast, but I'm also the creator of Insight to Impact, coaching and consulting. And I help you moms of teens reconnect with your true selves so you can lead with purpose, you can parent with clarity, you can create stronger, more meaningful relationships with your kids.

Cheryl

09:20 - 09:54

Because here's the truth. The transformation starts with you. Together, we will break free from the stress and overwhelm. We will rediscover your power. We will create the life and the family dynamic you always dreamed of. If you're ready to start this journey, let's do it. You might just not recognize your life in the next 90 days. It all starts with a call. There's no pitch. There's no pressure, just a call to see if I can help. We'll talk about your goals. We'll talk about what's making you feel stuck and what might be getting in your way.

Cheryl

09:54 - 10:11

And everything you need to connect with me is in the show notes. Again, I'm Cheryl. Thank you so much for joining me here on Parenting Teens, advice redefined for today's complex world and the creator of Insight to Impact Coaching and Consulting. Have a great day.

Podcast Script: "Shifting the Chore Wars with Your Teen"

Intro:
Hi, everyone! Welcome back to Teen Minds Redefined, the podcast where we explore the messy, beautiful, and sometimes downright frustrating world of parenting teens. I’m [Your Name], your host, transformation coach, and mom who’s walked this road, stumbled on it, and learned how to pave it better.

Today, we’re tackling a hot topic: Why doesn’t my teen do their chores? Or more broadly, why don’t they do the things that feel so obvious to us as moms?

I’ll be answering questions you’ve likely asked yourself:

• Why do teens act like cleaning their room or putting their dishes away is optional?
• Why do they ask us for rides, money, and help but act like we owe it to them?
• And, most importantly, how can I shift this dynamic without losing my sanity?

By the end of this episode, you’ll walk away with a new perspective—one that’s less about frustration and more about clarity, communication, and collaboration.

The Problem:
Let’s start by painting a picture that might feel all too familiar. Your teen’s room looks like a tornado blew through it. Dishes are stacked in their room like they’re trying to open a buffet. And despite all of this, they have the audacity to ask you for a ride to the mall or money for that concert. Sound familiar?

So, you do what most of us do—you snap. You launch into the laundry list: "I drive you everywhere! I cook! I clean! I do your laundry! And this is how you repay me?" And maybe, just maybe, your teen hits you with the ultimate gut-punch: "I didn’t ask you to do all that."

Now, if you’re like me, that’s when you lose it. The nerve, right? But let’s pause for a moment and ask ourselves: Are they wrong?

The Shift:
Here’s the thing—most of us haven’t clearly defined our expectations. We assume our teens understand the unspoken rules of the house because we understand them. Cleaning up, doing chores, and being respectful feels obvious to us because we’ve internalized these as adults. But our teens? They’re still learning. And without clarity, it’s like playing a game with no rulebook. Also-they can’t and very likely don’t want to READ YOUR MIND. They don’t know youve had a terrible day-they don’t know you’re exhausted, that you bills are piling up and that you did not sleep well last night…

What if I told you there’s a better way—one that doesn’t involve yelling, nagging, or feeling like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster?

The Strategy:
Here’s how we flip the script:

1. Set Expectations Beforehand:
   Instead of waiting until you’re fed up to address the mess, set clear, concise expectations ahead of time. For example, on Sunday evening, sit down as a family and lay out the week.
   • Create a checklist of what needs to get done: dishes, laundry, tidying up, whatever is important in your home.
   • Keep the conversation simple: “Here’s the plan for the week. Take a look at the list. Is there anything here you can’t do? Let’s talk about it.”
2. Collaboration is key here. When teens feel like they have a say in the process, they’re more likely to follow through.
3. Link Responsibilities to Privileges:
   This isn’t about punishment; it’s about natural consequences. Want a ride to the mall? Great! But first, let’s make sure the checklist is complete.
   And when the inevitable happens—when something isn’t done—don’t engage in a ping-pong argument. Instead, simply say: “Check the list.” No drama, no negotiation. The list speaks for itself.
4. Acknowledge Their Needs, Too:
   This is a two-way street. Ask your teen: "What’s on your schedule this week? What do you need from me?" Whether it’s a ride, some extra cash, or help with a project, showing them you’re willing to meet their needs fosters mutual respect.
5. Stay Consistent:
   The first week or two might be rough. There will be pushback. But consistency is your superpower. Keep pointing back to the checklist and the agreements you’ve made. Over time, this becomes the new normal.

The Takeaway:
Here’s what I want you to remember: Teens aren’t lazy, entitled, or defiant by nature. They’re navigating a complicated phase of life where independence and responsibility are constantly butting heads. As parents, our job isn’t to clean up after them or micromanage their every move. It’s to guide them with clarity, consistency, and a whole lot of patience.

So the next time you’re about to explode over those dirty dishes or that unmade bed, pause. Take a deep breath. And instead of launching into the laundry list, try saying, "Check the list."