#72 "The College Countdown: Expert Insights for Parents & Teens"

Navigating the College Application Process: From Control to Collaboration

In this episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined, host Cheryl Pankurs dives deep into the often stressful college and university application process. Building on last week's discussion with Howard Friedman, Cheryl emphasizes the importance of shifting from a controlling approach to a collaborative one when guiding your teen through their educational journey. 

Discover how to support your teenager in exploring their interests and strengths without imposing your own fears and expectations. Cheryl shares insights on the differences between high school and college environments, the impact of over-parenting, and the significance of allowing your teen to choose their own path. 

Cheryl
00:01 - 00:34
Welcome to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for Today's World. I'm your host, Cheryl Pankurs, and first of all, just want to show so much gratitude for you listening, taking the time to put me in your ears or on your screen in an attempt to really have an amazing relationship with your teen. And today's episode is almost a continuation from last week. I had Howard Friedman on to talk about college and university applications. And, well, I just had more to say. So I'm just going to continue on by myself this week. It's that time of year.

Cheryl
00:34 - 01:10
So January, February, we are filling out applications for university or college, depending on where you're going and where you live. Of course, this is Canada, so there's university and college. I know in the States, it's all college or community college. So wherever you are, that's what you're doing. And I really wanted to stress this because this was the time where the stress started building. Kids were coming in with their parents to me at school as a guidance counselor and a special ed specialist. And this is where the stress was mounting. I know, I know that you want to do the best for your teen.

Cheryl
01:10 - 02:00
You've lived life, you've made mistakes, and you don't want them to make the wrong choices. But let's talk about what happens when guidance turns into control. and how that can backfire in ways you may never see coming. This conversation is going to challenge you how you approach your teen's future. And if you stick with me, you could save years of conflict, frustration, and regret. So before you start the conversations with your kids, where are you applying? Can you ask yourself, what do I want for them? And what do they actually want? Are you looking at their interests and strengths, or are you making these suggestions based on your fears, your expectations, and your unfulfilled dreams?

Cheryl
02:01 - 02:46
You know, it's easy to think, I know better, I live longer, but if that approach worked, we wouldn't have so many adults hitting midlife crisis and realizing they live somebody else's dream. Your job isn't to choose for them. It's to help them explore without any attachment to the outcome. So there's the high school year trap versus college freedom. And high school forces teens into subjects they don't necessarily love. And if they struggle, it doesn't mean they're not capable. It just means that the system isn't built for them. And this is where sometimes, you know, we have kids with ADHD or ASD in the regular high school system who just are flailing.

Cheryl
02:46 - 03:21
They can't sit still. They can't learn. They are frustrated. They're failing. But it's not always their ability. Sometimes is we have put these kids into a box, into four walls, and told them to sit down and learn about a subject that they have zero interest in. And I don't know about you, but I can't be motivated to learn anything that I'm not the least bit interested in. But then they get to college or university and they get to pick their courses on focuses that excite them and that their entire program can be based on what they love.

Cheryl
03:21 - 03:57
Hello. Now you've got a kid who loves school. Now you've got a kid who's motivated and can learn. So don't be surprised and don't be concerned if at high school you've got this issue and you're really worried about your kid struggling and then they get off to college or university and they're like a different kid. It's just, it's amazing. You know, kids who feel like average in high school will totally thrive when they get into something they love. Your teen is not their GPA, is not their grade average. A B student in high school can easily become an A plus student in the right environment.

Cheryl
03:57 - 04:53
High school struggles do not predict future success. The right path will bring out the right strengths. And careers are not linear. It's not that we have to pick one course or they have to pick one course or one major, and then that's it for the rest of their life. Listen, teenagers, how do you pick your full-time life career at 17? No. And I didn't do it. First, I went to hairdressing school. Then I was a hairdresser. Then I was a hairdressing teacher. Then my husband at the time and I owned three salons. And at the same time we owned and ran an italian bistro, and then I went to university so that I could get qualified to teach high school And then I went back to get my qualifications to be a special education specialist And I did all this in the span of five years, 10 years, all married and while having two little kids.

Cheryl
04:54 - 05:33
And did we have the money for this? No. Did we have to figure out childcare and logistics? Absolutely. But I wanted it. I was motivated and I figured it out. And your kids will do the same. If I had stuck to what I was supposed to do, no way I'd be here now. No way. Remember, your teen is not choosing a lifetime career in the guidance counselor office when they're 17. They're choosing their very next step. And let them pick something that excites them. Because when you're doing something that excites you, and you're loving life, and you're loving the program, the next best thing always shows up.

Cheryl
05:33 - 06:16
It's the weirdest thing. But if we're in low energy, we hate what we're doing, guess what? The next best thing is in showing up because that's not the energy you're putting out. Sorry, it's just the way it is. And the cost of over-parenting, let's talk about this. And episode five is helicopter parenting. I'm always referring to that one because I think it's such a key point. But when parents push too hard when making these decisions about courses and schools and other opportunities, gap year, work a year, co-op year, travel, go straight into entrepreneurship. There's lots of opportunities that they don't have to follow the line into college or university.

Cheryl
06:16 - 06:54
But when you push too hard to, one of these two things happens. You either go into battle mode with your teenager, and you fight every step of the way, or you have a kid who is in people-pleasing mode, and they do whatever you want at a major cost. What happens when they struggle in the program they picked? Sorry, let's say that again. When they struggle in the program you picked for them. mental health issues, burnout, anxiety. And listen, this is how midlife crisis start. So many adults are trying to rebuild a life they were never allowed to create in the first place.

Cheryl
06:55 - 07:32
That's what we call a midlife crisis. What if your teen didn't have to undo their life at 45? Because they got to build the right one from the start. When you dictate their path, you create a future they may have to recover from. I'm going to say that for the people in the back. When you dictate their path, you create a future your teens may have to recover from. Your teen's path might look very different from yours, and it may be very unconventional. But if they wake up every day and they're excited about their future, isn't that what matters?

Cheryl
07:32 - 08:09
Instead of saying, I just want to give you what I didn't have. You want to say, how can I support you? How can I help you along the way? But as a coach, you know, as a mentor, not as the boss, the one who's dishing out the money, the one who wants them to make all the right decisions based on your beliefs or your dreams for them? How can I support you in building a life you love? Can you imagine when you say that to your kid, their brain will start looking for evidence of what they actually love.

Cheryl
08:10 - 08:47
Oh my God. What a concept. Here's the final thought on this one. Your teen success isn't about how much money they make. It's about them building a life they don't want to escape from. So all this to say, this is not about giving up guidance. It's about shifting from control to collaboration. When a parent with the end game in mind, their teen's happiness, fulfillment, and mental wellbeing, you help them to build a life they do not have to recover from. If this hits home for you, please share it with a friend who's in the thick of college or university conversations.

Cheryl
08:47 - 09:32
And if you're struggling to navigate this with yourself, let's talk. You can always jump in. We can have a call, complimentary call to see if I can help you. Listen, my goal is that you have an amazing, incredible relationship with your teen. That's it. That's my mission. And I choose to accept it. Thank you for listening. Parenting Teens Advice Redefined. Thank you for listening to another episode. And I just wanted to share something with you because, you know, parenting teens is not just about managing these challenges that we talked about on all the episodes. It's also about evolving alongside them.

Cheryl
09:33 - 10:12
And I'm Cheryl, and not only the host of this podcast, but I'm also the creator of Insight to Impact Coaching and Consulting. And I help you moms of teens reconnect with your true selves so you can lead with purpose, you can parent with clarity, you can create stronger, more meaningful relationships with your kids. Because here's the truth. The transformation starts with you. Together, we will break free from the stress and overwhelm. We will rediscover your power. We will create the life and the family dynamic you always dreamed of. If you're ready to start this journey, let's do it.

Cheryl
10:12 - 10:46
You might just not recognize your life in the next 90 days. It all starts with a call. There's no pitch. There's no pressure. Just a call to see if I can help. We'll talk about your goals. We'll talk about what's making you feel stuck and what might be getting in your way. and everything you need to connect with me is in the show notes. Again, I'm Cheryl. Thank you so much for joining me here on Parenting Teens, advice redefined for today's complex world and the creator of Insight to Impact, coaching and consulting. Have a great day.