#76 "Understanding Anxiety in Neurodivergent Teens: A Parent's Guide" with guest Polina Shkadron

 #ParentingTeens #Neurodiversity #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #ParentingAdvice #TeenMentalHealth #CompassionateParenting #EmotionalRegulation #CoRegulation #InsightToImpact #PlayBasedLearning #ParentingSupport #TeenDevelopment #MentalHealthAwareness

 In this enlightening episode of Parenting Teens: Advice Redefined for Today's World, we dive deep into the complexities of anxiety as it manifests in neurodivergent teens. Join host Cheryl and her guest, Polina, a trauma-informed speech and language pathologist specializing in autism and ADHD, as they explore how anxiety shows up differently in neurodivergent kids compared to their neurotypical peers.

Polina shares her personal journey and professional insights, emphasizing the importance of understanding each child's unique strengths and challenges. Discover how to create a safe and supportive environment for your teen, the significance of co-regulation, and the power of compassionate communication.

This episode is packed with practical strategies for parents looking to foster resilience and emotional well-being in their teens. If you're seeking science-backed, compassionate insights to help your neurodivergent child thrive, this is the episode for you!

Key Takeaways:

• The difference between fear and anxiety in neurodivergent teens.
• Understanding the "expectation gap" and matching expectations to capacity.
• The importance of compassionate communication and advocacy.
• Strategies for recognizing and addressing anxiety in your teen.
• The role of play in emotional regulation and connection.

Call to Action: If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe, rate, and review the podcast! Share it with other parents who may benefit from these insights. For more resources and to connect with Polina, visit her on Instagram and Facebook at @LateToLearnConsulting or check out her website at PlayToLearnConsulting.com.

And if you're ready to transform your parenting journey, reach out to Cheryl for a free discovery call to explore how Insight to Impact Coaching can help you reconnect with your true self and create a more meaningful relationship with your teen.

 #ParentingTeens #Neurodiversity #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #ParentingAdvice #TeenMentalHealth #CompassionateParenting #EmotionalRegulation #CoRegulation #InsightToImpact #PlayBasedLearning #ParentingSupport #TeenDevelopment #MentalHealthAwareness

Cheryl
00:01 - 00:48
Welcome to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for Today's World, the podcast that helps parents go beyond surface level strategies and truly understand their teen's brain. Today we're diving into a topic that so many parents of neurodivergent kids wrestle with, anxiety. How does it show up differently? What are we missing? And most important, how can we create an environment where our kids feel safe, supported, and understood? My guest today is Paulina, a trauma-informed, certified speech and language pathologist, expert specializing in autism, ADHD. As a neurodivergent therapist based in New York City, Polina has a deep understanding of how language, executive function, and emotional regulation all intersect.

Cheryl
00:48 - 01:21
She helps parents shift their perspective on behavior, moving from managing to truly understanding their child's needs. We'll explore everything from perfectionism in kids with Asperger's, quote unquote, to the role of reducing anxiety, plus what research talks about co-regulation and how you can use it in your home. If you're a parent looking for science-backed, compassionate insights to help your neurodivergent teen thrive, this is the episode for you. Let's get started. Welcome, Paulina.

Polina
01:21 - 01:24
Thank you. I'm so glad to be here. Can

Cheryl
01:25 - 01:32
we start with you are where you are? How did you get there? What is your mission here? What is your drive behind what you're doing right now?

Polina
01:33 - 02:26
I think it's important to, for parents to understand that the, you know, the brain is developing all the time. And for me as a professional and as a child who grew up not knowing that I was neurodivergent, I just thought that everybody had the same type of thought process that I did. And there were still so many misconceptions in terms of what neurodivergence is, I just knew that there were certain things that I was really good at, and I went into that direction. And I feel like the field of speech language pathology just found me.

Polina
02:26 - 02:32
I didn't think that in high school, when you are picking

Cheryl
02:33 - 02:33
your

Polina
02:33 - 02:50
majors and what you want to study in college, it wasn't even on my radar. I, interestingly enough, my, my mom is a special education teacher and I thought that I would never work with children ever.

Cheryl
02:50 - 02:51
Like, this is

Polina
02:51 - 03:33
not what I want to do. So I decided, let me give a finance a go. Such a different, what a different world. Yeah. And again, I say that the field kind of found me because I started volunteering at a preschool. This was, you know, over 20 years ago and it just so happened that I stumbled onto a session. And from there, I realized that there's so much more and there are so many nuances when it comes to language. And I also knew early on that I was really good with words, but I didn't know what to do with that.

Polina
03:35 - 04:22
I was, and still am, an avid reader. And what I know now about what my brain does with information is that I really quickly integrate everything that I read. And that's the reason I said that I thought that everybody thought this way. Because I take in information this way, doesn't everybody? So again, I went into undergraduate studies, had to switch colleges, switch my major. And I think I got really lucky in terms of where I wound up for my master's. And I think about that all the time. I reach out to my former professors, and it was really such a special place.

Polina
04:23 - 05:24
And again, when I graduated, I also thought that everybody approaches the therapeutic model from this play-based perspective and really, truly understands how Play is inherent in everything that we do. And play looks different. This is what I tell parents of teens, that play looks different for a toddler than it does for an elementary school child than it does for a teen. And the thing is, though, that it's still play. We're looking at it from a different lens. And as I continued learning, I also realized that I just needed more and more information. And I kept going for, like you said, additional certifications in trauma to really understand how the kids who were showing up, what was the reason for those meltdowns or tantrums or what you want to call them?

Polina
05:24 - 06:13
I knew that there was, I always knew that there was more because of the way that I was mentored. And I think it was important to dig even deeper. And that started and continues to be my learning process of let's dive into the brain as much as possible. Let's dive into executive functioning. Let's dive into ADHD and autism. I think I just, I keep going. So every time I pick up new information, I do the integration part and then I present it in a way that parents can really grasp. And at the same time, also in a way that I can change maybe another professional's perspective.

Cheryl
06:14 - 06:48
That's really good. And I would love to just back up because you went from, this was my, superpower, disability, whatever you wanna call it, to, and I went for my master's. So, can you, first of all, alleviate some of the parents' stress about, this is where my kid is at right now in grade nine, how are they ever gonna get to university? What helped you to get to that point where you are able to go post-secondary, even with a disability, and shine?

Polina
06:51 - 07:26
I think it's important to know that every child has their own strengths. And that's something that I ask parents the first time that we have a call, because they're so used to calling in panic or in crisis and saying, these are all the things that are wrong. I need your help. And I take a pause and I go, thank you so much for calling. What's the best thing about your kid? And sometimes it takes them a moment, because they're not expecting that question. Or tell me something else that your child is really, really good at.

Polina
07:27 - 08:21
What is that thing? Because they might know, and you might know, and yet no one's really connecting it for them. I think for me, personally, I somehow was able to make those connections. I want to say I also attribute it to. there were certain teachers, right? There's always one, there's always that one educator or a couple of them that really hone into like, here's this kid and she may seem different from the others, but there's something about this child. There's something about like this particular child. And I feel like for me, that was with a few of the teachers who I had from elementary school, and also in high school.

Polina
08:21 - 09:10
And of course, there were some who didn't understand. And unfortunately, there are some who still don't. They still see neurodivergent kids as we need them to fit into the mold that we've created. And that's because it's just what they know. And I always say, you know what you know, and you don't know what you don't know. And I really think it's finding, and I tell parents this too, find that one person. Your child needs that one safe person in that school. It might not even be their teacher that year. It could be a different teacher or an assistant or somebody else who they know gets them.

Polina
09:12 - 10:01
It might even be the janitor. Somebody who really gets them, who can ask them truly, what's going on for you today? I really want to know. I'm not asking how you're feeling because I want the answer of I'm good. I'm asking, what's going on? Tell me about what's happening for you today. And then that one offering really gives the child the opening. Even when they're, I'm going to say, even when kids are younger and sometimes they feel like they have to hold themselves together, they have to hold themselves together in school. And sometimes they feel like they have to hold themselves together in therapy.

Polina
10:01 - 10:52
And then finally we hit the point where there's a release. And then they start to cry. And sometimes parents look at me shocked. And all I do is I signal for them to just embrace it. Just embrace it. Don't ask questions. This is amazing. This is such a great release. How awesome is it that your child feels safe enough to have that kind of experience here? And I've had teens also melt down here. There was a conversation between parents that I overheard in the waiting room. And one of the parents was saying, oh, you know, the noises that you hear, excuse that, that's my teen having a tantrum.

Polina
10:53 - 11:37
And the other one said, this is the best place to have it. She was like, if you're going to have it anywhere, this place where you are right now is probably the best place That you can have it and the feedback that I also get from from teens And again, this depends on the language capacities and the type of Understanding that they are starting to have about their brain and what it does and how it works. I've had them say You're the only one who gets all parts of me How great is that? And for me, I'm going, oh, I kind of wish I had that as a teen too.

Polina
11:37 - 11:44
Somebody, an adult to say, I could lose it in front of you and you're not going to hold it against me.

Cheryl
11:46 - 12:39
I love that and I love when you talk about exhaustion, you know, for the years that I spent in high school and kids were, you know, holding it together in school and then they would get home and the parents would be like, they won't do their homework, they won't touch this, they're throwing their books there. But if you think about it, you know, especially when they get to high school, I think they are really able to Inherently see their differences Yes, and they're not fitting into that mold as you say And if you can imagine You know you as an adult you are I don't know, a copywriter, but someone has said, no, you need to go into finance and you need to look at these numbers and you need to figure out the spreadsheet.

Cheryl
12:39 - 13:19
Well, I'm telling you from my experience, because if you put numbers in a spreadsheet in front of me, I'm having a full out meltdown. I break out in hives. I start twitching because I can't. So, and, and I think we've all been in situations where we're sitting there all day going, this is taking everything I have, because I can't fall apart in front of my colleagues. I can't fall apart in front of a big family function. This is taking every ounce of everything I have. So when I get home, let this be my safe space, screw the homework for now, screw those expectations about cleaning their room, let them have that release.

Cheryl
13:19 - 14:02
I think that is so important that you said that because I think we really underestimate that part of it. And I think a part of that is, as it's coming to me is too, when we have kids who are neurodivergent in any way, we have to look at, They might be 16, they might be 15, but if they have autism or ADHD or any other neurodiversity, they are really socially or even emotionally, it could be five years younger. So when I talk to parents saying, oh, he's 18 years old and he won't pick up his room and he won't put dishes in the dishwasher and you have to go, okay, let's back up.

Cheryl
14:03 - 14:23
What would you expect from him in the house when they were 14? You sure wouldn't be expecting all of those things, and you need to start from there to build those skills. I'm not saying never to expect it, but if we can always keep, you know, our lens on that our kids emotionally or socially are so much younger when it comes to this. Can you speak to that as well? I

Polina
14:24 - 15:06
can, and I think that's the hardest part. I call it the expectation gap, and it's also matching expectation to capacity. And I know there are some days for myself that are higher capacity days. And they're higher capacity because I've slept well, I've exercised, my nutritional intake is on point, I'm ready to go. And then there are other days that are much lower capacity days where I don't want to interact with anybody outside my office. When I'm going home at night, I don't want to make any phone calls. It's not that I don't enjoy talking to my friends or family.

Polina
15:07 - 15:54
It's more about I've recognized where I cap at my capacity. And I also teach kids and parents that type of terminology for them to realize what can you handle today? What can you take on because is this a challenge kind of day meaning i'm going to introduce something new to you It's going to be hard You might lose it Can you already handle knowing that you're going to be in discomfort? And there are some days that kids will say Lay it on me. I got this Okay, whatever this new thing, new idea that you have, I am so thrilled and I want to see what it's about.

Cheryl
15:54 - 15:54
And

Polina
15:54 - 16:40
other days, you know, just by the look, they go, you're joking, right? Like, you actually think that I'm going to participate in this? Absolutely not. And it's so easy to say that they're being defiant or they're avoiding it. Avoidance comes also, even that term, it comes from somewhere. They can't handle the discomfort in that moment. It doesn't mean that the challenge isn't going to come back. And I tell them that also I go, well, right now you just advocated for yourself. You just said that you've had such a long day that all you want to do is you want to build train tracks.

Polina
16:42 - 17:21
Let's do it. Because at the end of the day, it's not about the thing. It's not about the trains. It's not about the board game. It's about what comes, what comes through and what comes out of it. And that's the other part where even with that gap, right, that social emotional piece, like you mentioned, so it exists, it's going to exist. And it's not about teens, which is also so important. It's not about them catching up. Parents also ask, well, when are they going to catch up? And then the question becomes, catch up to what?

Polina
17:21 - 18:06
Like, what's the race? They're going to grow into their own skills. They're not going to grow out of autism. They're not going to grow out of ADHD. They're going to grow into these skills. And even for older kids, when we talk about what a diagnosis is, what is that label? And some of them, I get that this is my ADHD, however they want to call it. And some of them know that they take medication in the morning, because this helps me figure out the school day. And then, interestingly enough, sometimes they get an additional diagnosis of autism.

Polina
18:08 - 18:53
And then when I say, so you know that they're also just like they're ADHD adults, they're also autistic adults. And I kid you not, one of my kids sat back and went, this is forever. Wow. He goes, I didn't, I didn't, I just thought it was like something for now and it'll go away. Okay, so now we have to have a different conversation. Instead of saying, this is such an amazing thing, aren't you so lucky to go, well, you just heard something from me. Again, what was it like for you knowing that this is a part of you?

Polina
18:54 - 19:45
So now we're going to see what other parts of you there are. And it really is all about, I want to say like the nuances in the language, because we could all be saying similar things to kids, to parents. And yet when you change certain terms and use like really specific words, and this is where, you know, my background in language comes in and just also my, affinity for words, knowing how a certain phrase is going to land on somebody else. because I could say something to one parent and be really direct, and they know that I'm coming, of course, from a place of warmth and compassion, and they need the directness.

Polina
19:45 - 19:59
And then for somebody else, I have to go through a different door. I have to sidestep it a little bit and let them get to the point where I want them to be. And it's the same thing for kids.

Cheryl
20:01 - 20:40
Yeah, I agree. And when we talk about even, you mentioned avoidance and defiance and, you know, I hear so many parents and even educators say, oh, this is just their way of getting their way. This is their way of pushing my buttons. They know what buttons to push on you and what buttons to push on me. Listen, These behaviors are secondary. They are just a form of communication to say, I'm not meeting your expectation. And I don't know how to meet your expectation. I can't even meet my expectation. And so this is how I'm telling you.

Cheryl
20:42 - 21:30
So it's never, you know, kids do well when they can. people do well when they can, not when they feel like it, not when they want more screen time. I feel like that's, if we can always think about that, no kid wants to melt down in school in front of their friends. No kid wants that. But sometimes it's inevitable because the communication piece is there and I'm always very sensitive to Teenagers because they're so much more aware Yes of the mold. They're not fitting in of the expectations. They're not they're looking at their friends who are you know, having dates and going to parties and not getting invited or, you know, all of that, like how, if we can sit back and go, oh my God, that must be so hard.

Cheryl
21:31 - 21:54
What do you need? As opposed to, oh, here we go. You just wanted a hamburger for dinner instead of chicken. I mean, you know, it's that piece if we can keep remembering that that behavior is not, Manipulation or or any of those things. I think that that lends a little more compassion To how we have our conversations with our teens for sure.

Polina
21:55 - 22:21
Absolutely And sometimes i've asked kids. What do you need and those of them who have no language because some of the kids the younger ones I work with don't have As much language yet. Some of them have said right now. I just need you to stop talking And I go, amazing, absolutely. And I need you to just back up. Got it. Yeah.

Cheryl
22:22 - 23:01
Well, even at home, if you're thinking about your kid at home, how effective is the nagging? and the whole ping pong conversation. I need you to do this. I'm not do that. How effective is that? It's not when sometimes it's they've had input all day long and I can totally feel that they've had input all day long. Then they get home and you are listing the 75 things they didn't do before they left for school. Is there another way? Could you just put a posting note up? Could you just put a checklist up and avoid that hole?

Cheryl
23:01 - 23:23
Because that's, I think, I don't know if you agree with me, where a lot of this conflict comes from. It's just, please, I don't even hear what you're saying. Just stop talking. It's like listening to CPS 24 loop news or Fox News or whatever, and that's all you hear is input, input, input, and you're just like, please mute, please mute. I just want to mute my mother right now.

Polina
23:25 - 24:03
Exactly. And it's also letting teens know that this is, this is what advocacy is like. So if they tell you, I need you to go away in that moment, that's not a moment for you to come back to them and say, can you tell that to me nicely, whatever that word means, or, you know, I need you to find another way, like, or be respectful. Which is also just so broad in that moment take it as it is and go I hear you And I get what you're saying We're gonna come back together and another time.

Polina
24:03 - 24:50
Yeah and What you mentioned before in terms of that ping-pong and the back and forth. I think it's important for parents to Figure out what kind of conversation are you having? Because a lot of the conflict for parents and kids, and also this goes into what I do parent coaching between parents, is that they're having different conversations. And I go, do you notice that your child came to you with a problem? But the thing is, they're not asking for a solution. And you jumped to solving it. And then in the parents' mind, it goes, well, they asked me.

Polina
24:51 - 25:29
So of course, I'm going to give them all of this information. And I want them to figure it out. And I said, yes, they asked you on the surface. And I said, underneath it, they actually don't want you to fix it. They want you to know that they're having a really hard time with something that they can't quite figure out you telling them. Oh, I know this. This is easy. I did this back in, you know, when I was your age now there. feeling ashamed for even coming to you, you've now just revealed their biggest weakness.

Polina
25:30 - 25:40
And instead of holding them in their space of vulnerability, you started offering them all of this advice that they never requested. Yeah.

Cheryl
25:42 - 26:27
Yeah. And you know, when, and when kids are coming to you with these things, there is your opportunity to collaborate with them. Because if you think in any sense as an adult or as a kid, if you are part of the solution, if you are creating your own solution, it makes so much more sense rather than going through the 10 things mom checked off or the 10 things dad checked off that don't work. And as soon as they start rhyming off the solutions, your kid is shutting down. But if you find a way to have these conversations where they are able to contribute to the solutions and yeah you know what let's try this and if it doesn't work no problem we'll go back to the drawing board because not everything is going to work.

Polina
26:29 - 27:06
That's exactly it and it's really it really goes back to how do you get into the mind of your child and I think that's the reason that What makes me, I guess, so good at what I can do is that I can get into the mind of a two-year-old just how I can get into the mind of a teen. And instead of telling them to take perspective and say, how do you think the other person feels? What I always say is, how about we take their perspective first? Seek their perspective. What happened there for you?

Polina
27:08 - 27:39
Tell me what else is going on. And then you recast it back to them. All right, so what I'm hearing you say is this, how am I doing? Am I on track? And it really keeps the conversation going. Because if you only ask yes, no questions, you're going to get yes, no answers. And then you're just going to get your run of the mill, good, fine, bad. I don't know. A lot of I don't knows. I don't know. I don't know what you're asking me.

Cheryl
27:39 - 28:20
Yeah. And if we're digging, if we're digging, you know, when we assume what the problem is and we're not asking, and even when we ask, we get the first question, well, can you dig a little deeper? Well, what was hard about that? Well, how did that make you feel? What would make it like really digging? And sometimes, you know, there's that, you think what the surface issue is, The actual conflict for them is like 10 layers deep. And sometimes it's such a tweak. It's a, oh, okay, you don't have time to get your gym uniform on in that amount of time for the change room.

Cheryl
28:20 - 29:02
And it's got nothing to do with I hate gym and I hate the people in my class and I wanna punch them all in. It's like dig, dig, dig, like drill down for those answers. Take the time. in the right space, in the right frame of mind to drill down, because we just never know where this anxiety is coming from. And that's where I wanna really dive into this, the anxiety, because this is so prevalent, especially in our teens. And I say, especially in our teens, because I work with teens. I tried the elementary route, and I did my first recess, and I had my first snotty nose on my sleeve, and I was off to high school I go.

Cheryl
29:03 - 29:10
So let's talk about anxiety and how does that present differently in a neurodivergent kid compared to a neurotypical kid?

Polina
29:12 - 29:19
So anxiety is such an interesting topic. And I think it's also important to understand that there's a difference between fear and anxiety.

Polina
29:19 - 29:21
They

Polina
29:21 - 30:16
get, they get looped together. So It's something that, first of all, it's something that all of us experience and all of us have neurotypical neurodivergent or not. We all have states of fear because our brain was designed to do that. It was designed to have that fear spike because our brain senses that something dangerous is coming. And then when that danger passes, then the fear subsides. So that's typically how it's supposed to go for neurotypical brains. For neurodivergent brains, the brain is pretty much on high alert, more so. And it's constantly attempting, just like you said, there's all this information and stimuli coming in from the environment.

Polina
30:17 - 31:04
And your brain is working overtime, figuring out what to do with all of it. Even for kids who get diagnosed with ADHD, it's not that they can't attend. It's that they attend to everything. And it's so much input and it's so much information that, of course, there's exhaustion by the end of the day, because they have to work double, triple, quadruple the amount of time and have to put so much effort into distinguishing between what is relevant to me right now and what isn't. And then sometimes they look at their friends who just get through the material so much faster.

Polina
31:04 - 32:06
And they go, how do I not know how to do this? And then comes the comparisons. So the anxiety part is where language comes in. So the language that you, and that's where the self-talk comes in. When the language is what keeps the anxiety going. So that's really such a huge difference. Like we all have certain, we all have fear centers. We all have emotion centers and for, neurodivergent kids, they are just more exacerbated. And those are the areas where, especially when there's burnout, And that's such an important topic, because when I mention it to parents, even of younger kids, they go, oh, this is what it looks like, where we've made progress, we've made progress.

Polina
32:06 - 32:52
And then we hit this snag, usually around the winter season, where they have had enough. And every little thing is bothering them. And parents are going, what is going on? And I said, what you're witnessing is burnout. just how adults experience burnout, so do kids, and more so autistic and ADHD kids. And when that burnout hits, it is so incredibly, it's painful for the parents to watch. And I say, can you imagine how painful it is for your kid? So instead of saying, let's push through, And let's just tell them that there's nothing to worry about, which is probably the worst advice that you can give.

Polina
32:52 - 33:39
Or just say, well, that worry is just small. How do you know? Because for me, this is the biggest thing that could have possibly happened. From you, that's your adult lens. That's your 40, 50 years of experience going, this is not a big deal. You get over it. For the child in that moment, who now is talking himself or herself through the panic that they're experiencing, and then their self-talk becomes even more negative. And it becomes fueled with, I'm a failure. I'm never going to get this. This is the worst subject. I hate my teachers.

Polina
33:39 - 34:23
I hate school. I'm never going back. Sometimes I get, I hate you. You're the worst. I'm never coming back here. And I sit there and the parents are going, how do you just, how do you take it? And for me, I go, yes. So it's not my child. So I don't have as much emotional investment as you. However, I'm also emotionally invested in their wellbeing. And I know that it's not personal. I know, like you said, the words, they're just surface. It is not a personal attack on me. They don't really hate me. And then in that moment, this is the release that they need.

Polina
34:24 - 35:09
because then they do come back the next time. And sometimes there's this sense of embarrassment that comes up where they think that they should apologize for something and they're not sure what that is. So oftentimes I hear, so I just want to say, I'm sorry about the thing that happened. And this is such an amazing opportunity for me to accept their apology. So I've had kids like chaos through my waiting room and then go, so you know that thing that happened last week? And I go, oh, what thing do you mean? You know, the thing that happened.

Polina
35:11 - 35:46
I just want to say i'm sorry for that and then for me I go I'm, so glad you mentioned it say I really appreciate your apology You're right. It did take me a while to put the waiting room back together That's an acceptance of an apology because when it comes to that embarrassment right and that anxiety they're coming in and they're having this reaction of What they think my answer is going to be like And then they get compassion instead

Cheryl
35:46 - 36:15
when parents get this apology. I think sometimes They can launch into Oh, thanks for the apology because blah blah blah blah blah next time blah blah blah and and that's just saying yes I appreciate it. Maybe yes took a while to clean up the dishes But I think that's really important because it will build that trust that they can recognize something went wrong and apologize for it and you are the safe space for that.

Polina
36:15 - 37:01
Absolutely, because then with anxiety comes lying. I feel like we could do a whole other segment on just the reason that line comes through and where it comes from. And really, it doesn't just come up all of a sudden when kids are teens. It's something that's been happening for them earlier on where they don't feel like they can tell you anything because they're going to be hit with reprimands and consequences and punishments all the time. And what you do want is for them to come to you and say, I messed up as a kid. And I say this to parents of five year olds too.

Polina
37:02 - 37:42
I go 10 years from now when they make a really big mistake, Do you want them to come to you and you be their first call and for them to say, I need you. I messed up or I'm learning to drive and I crashed. I just want to tell you I'm okay. I need you like mom, dad, please. I need you. You want that instead of them thinking, Oh man, mom, dad, they're going to kill me. I have to cover it up. I have to figure out what else I could do. Maybe I'll call my friend who knows just as much as I do, which is not that much.

Polina
37:44 - 38:04
And then I'm going to attempt to fix it myself because I have this fear that My mom my dad or whoever the caregiver is is going to say how could you do this? How could you be so irresponsible? How did you not remember that? All the things I taught you and for parents it's coming from And

Cheryl
38:05 - 38:05
I say this

Polina
38:05 - 38:53
often I go so right now it doesn't sound like a kid problem. That sounds like a you That sounds like your embarrassment of I wasn't a good enough parent. I didn't teach them all that you've done all the things. And you continue to figure out like how, how best to parent. There's no such thing as as perfect. It doesn't exist. And yeah, you're learning and you're figuring out along the way. And as the adult, you're going to mess up too, because you're supposed to. And if your kids only see this version of you that never messes up and that never makes mistakes, they go, oh man, I'm never supposed to mess up.

Polina
38:54 - 39:33
I'm never supposed to make mistakes. So that when I do, here comes the, the fear comes and then instantaneously, it's like anxiety transformation, that voice in the back of their head, instead of saying, You got this, you've been through this before, you're able to figure it out because you have the skills. Okay, here we go. Like giving yourself a pep talk, that's a skill versus they go right into the negative. I'm the worst kid. My parents are going to know that I'm the worst kid. I'm an embarrassment. I'm a failure. How could I ever do this?

Polina
39:33 - 39:43
And then what happens? They get home and that's the dialogue that they hear. This is embarrassing. How could you, and then my, how could you do this to me?

Cheryl
39:43 - 39:44
Yes.

Polina
39:46 - 39:48
How could you do this to me? How could you embarrass me like that?

Cheryl
39:49 - 40:28
Bingo. Yeah. You know, and, I know we need to wrap up and I actually would really love to do an entire episode online. Because if you go through the Facebook groups for parents that are, you know, that is the that is an underlying very prevalent. problem that they're talking about. And so I would just love for you to come back and we can just do all about lying because I think I think the Pinocchio episode would be really good. So, Polina, just let me know here. tell our listeners how we can find you, how we can work with you.

Cheryl
40:28 - 40:37
I really appreciate your being here. I love the work that you're doing. I love all the information you've shared today. And I'm sure listeners are like, oh, I might want to get a hold of this girl.

Polina
40:38 - 41:27
So I am on Instagram and Facebook at late to learn consulting. My website is also PlayToLearnConsulting.com and it has all the different ways that you could reach out to me. There's ways to book a call. There are, I have a newsletter, so there's a way to sign up for my newsletter and you get on the email list and I, I welcome you in and then you receive bi-weekly newsletters with information that's really relevant and things that I discuss or that I talk about that really impacts parents every day, whether you're a parent of a teen or you're a parent of a younger child because they're going to grow up and they're also going to be a teen.

Polina
41:29 - 41:31
I think there's information for everybody.

Cheryl
41:31 - 42:05
Thank you for that. I really I just love this is such good information. I feel like there might be three more episodes because we really want to dive into the play aspect. Yes. Teenager. So we'll get there. We'll get there. This is almost like a. you know, a series. It could be. Yeah. So I appreciate you. Thank you for listening to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined. Everything that you hear today will be in the show notes. If you want to get a hold of Polina or myself for some information, feel free to do so.

Cheryl
42:06 - 42:48
And thanks for stopping by. Thank you for listening to another episode. I hope you loved this one as much as I did. And I just wanted to share something with you because, you know, parenting teens is not just about managing these challenges that we talk about on all the episodes. It's also about evolving alongside them. And I'm Cheryl and not only the host of this podcast, but I'm also the creator of Insight to Impact Coaching and Consulting. And I help you moms of teens reconnect with your true selves so you can lead with purpose. You can parent with clarity.

Cheryl
42:48 - 43:26
You can create stronger, more meaningful relationships with your kids because here's the truth. The transformation starts with you. Together, we will break free from the stress and overwhelm. We will rediscover your power. We will create the life and the family dynamic you always dreamed of. If you're ready to start this journey, let's do it. You might just not recognize your life in the next 90 days. It all starts with a call. There's no pitch. There's no pressure, just a call to see if I can help. We'll talk about your goals. We'll talk about what's making you feel stuck and what might be getting in your way.

Cheryl
43:27 - 43:44
And everything you need to connect with me is in the show notes. Again, I'm Cheryl. Thank you so much for joining me here on Parenting Teens, advice redefined for today's complex world and the creator of Insight to Impact Coaching and Consulting. Have a great day.