#80 "WTF-Welcome to Friday-Talking Transgender Teens with Cisgender Me"

#ParentingTeens #TransgenderSupport #GenderIdentity #FamilyConnection #TeenParenting #Acceptance #LGBTQSupport #Podcast

Welcome to the very first episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined WTF, hosted by Cheryl Pankhurst. In this uncut and unedited mini solo series, Cheryl dives deep into the challenges and triumphs of parenting teens. In today's episode, Cheryl discusses her latest conversation with Wendy Cole and her own take from a cisgender woman's view after her experiences in the education system. Discover practical advice for parents, the importance of acceptance, and the power of socialization in understanding gender identity.

Cheryl
00:03 - 00:54
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the very first Parenting Teens Advice Redefined WTF. Welcome to Friday. I am your host, Cheryl Pankhurst. And if you've been hanging around the podcast for a while, you know I love diving deep into parenting teens, their struggles, our struggles, and everything in between. You also know no topic is off limits. Sometimes I just need a space to share my own thoughts, react to my latest conversations with expert guests, and talk about what's going on in my world. Maybe even overshare just a little. So here we are. This is going to be uncut and unedited so you can count on me effing things up just like I do in real life.

Cheryl
00:55 - 01:35
WTF, Welcome to Friday, is my new mini solo series where I keep it real. You get to know me on a whole other level and it's also a space for you. I want you to ask questions, I want you to share your perspectives, engage with me directly and then once a month I will dedicate an entire episode to answering your questions on air. So let's kick this off, shall we? Today, I want to talk to you about my latest episode with Wendy Cole, How to Parent Your Transgender Teen. How do you support a teen through transition in a way that fosters self-love, confidence, and family connection?

Cheryl
01:36 - 02:30
We dove into a journey that is deeply personal, transformative, and often misunderstood, the transition journey of a transgender teen and their family. My guest, Wendy Cole, knows this journey firsthand. As a transition mentor and coach and now podcast host, Wendy supports individuals and families navigating one of our biggest shifts. Having transitioned herself at 67, she understands the emotional, mental and physical aspects of this experience in a way that few people can. Wendy's mission now is to humanize what it means to be born transgender and to guide both teens and parents with compassion and clarity. Wendy's story is a powerful example of why family support is so crucial.

Cheryl
02:31 - 03:21
At age 10, she told her parents she felt like she was a girl. Their reaction was devastating. Five sessions with a psychiatrist led to an ultimatum. Stop saying you're a girl or you will be committed and fixed. This shaped her entire adolescence, forcing her to repress her identity and leading to isolation and fear. One of the most important takeaways from Wendy's journey for me is understanding that gender identity is not a choice, a trend, or a pure influence. It is informed by the brain during the second trimester of pregnancy. Gender is between the ears. Sex is between the legs.

Cheryl
03:22 - 04:05
When a child expresses their gender identity, parents' first response should be one of openness and acceptance. The worst thing a parent can say is, are you sure? Because that invalidates their feelings. I think it's really important to acknowledge that your kid didn't decide yesterday to express this to you. It has probably taken a long time to accept it themselves and then gather enough courage to bring it to you. Wendy emphasizes that gender is a spectrum. No one is 100% male or 100% female. We are all a blend with a stronger inclination towards one side or the other.

Cheryl
04:06 - 05:01
We've all heard reference to masculine energy and feminine energy. And this understanding is essential for parents navigating their child's transition. Another crucial point Wendy makes is about the power of socialization. A child begins to understand societal expectations as soon as they start school. They realize what is acceptable in their environment. Wendy knew at age 10 that revealing her true identity was risky. And this was a time when there was no outside resources, no help, no understanding, no guidance like from Google. Today, children have access to more information, but they also face more external pressures from social media, from political debates about transgender rights, and so on and so on.

Cheryl
05:02 - 05:51
So to start off, Wendy did offer some really practical advice for parents. Listen without judgment. If your child tells you they feel like a different gender, Avoid asking them if they're sure. Instead say, thank you for sharing this with me. I love you. I'm so grateful you feel safe to talk to me about this. Then you can educate yourself. Gender identity is complex. Learn from medical experts, trans individuals, and advocacy groups. Find some support. Connect with other parents who have walked this path. There are wonderful organizations that provide guidance, including Wendy's website. Advocate for your child.

Cheryl
05:51 - 06:42
You are going to have to be their voice in school, at the doctor's office, and even with extended family members. They need help understanding what your child needs, be their voice, and allow exploration. Your child may be wanting to try new names, new pronouns, or different clothing. Let them experiment without pressure. One of the most moving moments in Wendy's story is her sixth grade realization that the most popular girl in school, Wendy, was who she wished to be. She held on to that name for 61 years before finally embracing her true identity. Imagine a world where no child has to wait that long to be themselves.

Cheryl
06:44 - 07:58
Now let me be clear, I am a cisgendered woman. I do not pretend to fully understand that Wendy, or what Wendy, Let me be clear. I am a cisgender woman. I do not pretend to fully understand what Wendy or any transgender person experiences. But here's what I do know. My job as a human being is to accept beautiful human beings for who they are inside and out. Love, kindness, and acceptance. It's actually that simple. How often have you heard people say, I just don't get it. I heard it from teachers. I heard it from parents.

Cheryl
07:58 - 08:51
I've heard it from friends. Well, let me relieve you of the burden of getting it. Because here's the truth. It's irrelevant if you get it. It's irrelevant if you understand it. It's even irrelevant if you agree with it. That's right, irrelevant. You can listen to my podcast. You can listen to other podcasts. You can even respectfully ask questions with permission to try to understand. But if you don't want to, fine, that's your choice. But what is relevant is acceptance and kindness. And that's it. So if you think it somehow adds value to the world for you to approve or understand someone's identity, maybe check your ego at the door and instead invite kindness and acceptance in.

Cheryl
08:52 - 09:45
And feel free to listen to this again if you feel like you should. I know so many times students begging me to allow them to go by their different pronouns and different names that felt true to them at school, but not tell their parents because they felt so unsafe. Not uncomfortable, but unsafe. So if you're feeling conflicted about this, can you take a little mindset shift? Can you either journal or just think about what fears or concerns come up for you when you think about gender identity? And where do those beliefs come from? Can you spend a few minutes imagining what it would be like in your children's shoes?

Cheryl
09:46 - 10:36
What messages do they hear at school? What messages do they get online? What messages do they get at home? Are they messages of safety and love? I also wanna share with you some resources, some really good reading for parents, The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney, a practical guide for parents navigating their teen's gender identity, Raising the Transgender Child by Michelle Angelo and Ali Bowman, providing tools and guidance for parents to support their transgender or diverse trans, sorry, or gender diverse child. For general understanding, you can read Trans Like Me, Conversations for All of Us by CN Lester.

Cheryl
10:37 - 11:28
This is a personal and educational look at transgender identity. The Gender Creative Child by Diane Esra helps parents support kids who are expressing gender in non-traditional ways. for teens and parents to read together. Beyond Magenta, Transgender Teens Speak Out by Susan Cochran. Firsthand accounts from trans, firsthand accounts from transgender teens about their experiences. Being Jazz, My Life as a Transgender Teen by Jazz Jennings, a memoir by a well-known transgender activist. I'll put the link to all of these books in the show notes. The journey of supporting a transgender teen is not about fixing them. It's about helping them uncover who they truly are.

Cheryl
11:29 - 11:35
It requires love and patience and a willingness to unlearn societal expectations.