#93 "Navigating Netflix's Adolescence" Part 4 of 4

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Parenting Teens Advice Redefined: Unpacking Adolescence Episode 4

 Welcome to the fourth installment of our deep dive into the Netflix series "Adolescence." In this episode, host Cheryl Pankhurst explores the complex dynamics within Jamie's family, the societal pressures of masculinity, and the critical warning signs parents should be aware of. Cheryl discusses the importance of bridging the gap between parents and teens in today's tech-driven world, emphasizing the need for proactive communication and vigilance. Tune in for insights on how to better understand and support your teenager, ensuring their safety and well-being in a rapidly changing environment.

Cheryl Pankhurst: Welcome to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World. I am your host, Cheryl Pankhurst and I'm so happy you're here.  This is going to be the four-part series of Adolescence, the Netflix series. And we are diving in each episode. I'm diving into kind of picking apart what's happening in the episode, reviewing what I think is happening, and then some underlying messages there in the episode. So, this is part four. And why the heck am I even doing this? I'll tell you why I'm doing this.

Cheryl Pankhurst: Because after watching this series multiple times now, I find there's so many messages there that our teens are way over here with everything that's available to them. And as parents and as educators, we're way over here. And I feel like we need to fill the gap.  And I think a lot of the messages that we're finding in this series are filling in some of the gaps. And if you're, at any point in time, there's never a judgment that I'm making against appearance or decisions or anything in my conversations here.

Cheryl Pankhurst: my only goal is for you to be aware of things you might think are just normal kid behavior. Nothing to worry about, totally safe. And then there's this little hint over here and a little hint over here. And there's a message over here that we need to pay attention to. So this is my main goal.  I just want to make sure we are raising the awareness of what our kids are doing even at the age and in this case it's 13 and can be obviously much younger because of our access to technology. But I really want to just shine a light on what we can be looking for in some very dark areas of our kids. So if you've never watched adolescence I'll tell you now this is a spoiler alert.

Cheryl Pankhurst: I'm talking all about the fourth episode in the series. So, if you've never watched it, shut this off. Come back later. I do want to hear your feedback. I do want to know what you think about this. I do want to know if you're seeing these signs or if you are seeing these signs and how you're addressing it at home. I want to hear all about it. this is not, just me talking. This is raising awareness for everybody.  So you could have a teen, you could love a teen, you could be teaching a teen, you could have a teen next door, you're just a caring adult in a teen's life. All of these are really important messages to look for. So the opening scene is we're now 13 months after the actual incident, the stabbing. And also to note every opening scene has a different pictures.

Cheryl Pankhurst: I mentioned this on the last one that there were shots of your typical 12 and old posing like a 12 and old would be doing and it kind of looks like are the kids actually this young that are involved in this what's happening in the schools and the bullying and the online social media targeting and they are this young.  So, the opening scene here is the entire Jaime's family, mom, dad, and sister Lisa, all in masquerade costumes. And I'm wondering, do we really know each other in the family? Do we really know are we wearing masks in the family? Jamie, is he wearing the mask of this innocent 13-year-old kid who just comes home and goes in his room and he's very quiet and we have nothing to worry about?

Cheryl Pankhurst: I just wonder if that's where they were going with those costumes. And the opening scene is dad just kind of again it's 13 months after. So Jamie has been incarcerated in a juvenile detention center I think for mental health challenges as well. I don't think it's just for criminal. he's been in there for 13 months waiting on his trial. And the scene is just dad doing dad stuff.  You're seeing, little signs of Jaime's life at a standstill in the house. You see his, bike hanging in the shed. pictures that he's drawn, but it's almost frozen in time for Jamie.

Cheryl Pankhurst: And as we talked through the first three episodes, there's a lot of talk about, this aggression towards women, this overpowering masculinity message that's kind of woven in between all the episodes. And in the very beginning of episode 4, you see Jaime's dad, Eddie, showing some affection to his wife, which we have not seen in any of the episodes.  And when she sort of brushes him off, you can see that irritation like I'm not getting what I want. And this is Eddie's Dad's 50th birthday. And they're trying to just have a celebration. Mom's making a breakfast. And I think they're just really trying to have just a normal day even though it's a very important member of their family is not with them.

00:05:00

Cheryl Pankhurst: and as dad is opening cards, opens one from Jamie from the prison. And it is a sketch of his dad. And how many of us get our birthday cards with homemade pictures from our kids growing up? And I think again, it just depicts how young Jaime is and yet how young he actually isn't.  So, as they get on with their morning, they get outside and his van, dad's van, has been vandalized and it was vandalized with spray paint with the word naunt.

Cheryl Pankhurst: And it was spelled N O N S E which in British slang, we know this is said in British slang, it is the word for pedophile. And it is just deeply loaded with shame and accusation and Is it to vilify dad? Is it a reflection on the whole family? And it's actually spelled wrong on the van, which I think is interesting.  The actual spelling is not N O N S E, which I think they're just trying to depict kids young enough to not even be able to spell it are vandalizing this guy's van.

Cheryl Pankhurst: over a year later. So, dad goes out with the sponge and the water and tries to clean off the slang and obviously can't clean off spray paint, can't clean off his family, tries to clean the mess up his family has made and can't seem to do that metaphorically or literally in this episode.  So, we are starting to really notice this theme of rage that the dad can display even though he's very much good at keeping it in check until he reaches a certain edge. And as we saw in the video from Jamie, that's exactly what was happening with Jamie. He was reaching an edge and then he couldn't control himself or his rage.

Cheryl Pankhurst: They make it over to the hardware store in order to get something to remove this swing and nothing is going to remove it. So, he needs to buy a can of paint. And while they're there, of course, they're in the parking lot and along come the boys who he assumes has done this to his van.  and he rages on them. And you really see a mirror of how he attacks one of the boys in the same way Jaime attacked Katie as the victim in the stabbing on their way home.

Cheryl Pankhurst: So in episode 1, two, and three, we are never shown that dad believes Jaime is guilty or not guilty. Even though Eddie, Jaime's dad, is the only one who actually saw the footage of the videotape of Jaime clearly committing this murder. He has never at one point in time admitted this through the whole series.  As they're all in the car, Jaime then calls from the prison to say happy birthday, but also to tell his dad that he's very, very sorry, but he's changing his plea from not guilty to guilty. And dad is just frozen. There's no conversation. It's just silence.

Cheryl Pankhurst: this kid is on the other line from prison and he just keeps apologizing to his dad and it's not asking about his sister who are in the van.  So, I guess dad has now realized obviously that Jaime is admitting to his own guilt, which means dad has to now admit to his guilt that this is his son who did this horrendous murder on this young girl.  As we go through towards the end of the episode, they really start reflecting on what I think is probably the most important conversations that are happening through all four episodes. And that is mom saying, he never left his room.

00:10:00

Cheryl Pankhurst: He would come home, he would slam his door, he would go straight to his room and 1:00 in the morning, the lights would still be on and she would say, school night and the lights would go off. There was never a conversation. They were not going in there to see what is he on, what is he doing, who is he talking to.  There was no conversation at all by the sounds of it as a relationship between mom and dad and Jamie. And it just seems so hard to understand. as kids get to be 16, 17, Maybe we expect their independence and their wanting to be on their own. But where's the fine line? First of all, 13.

Cheryl Pankhurst: Where's the fine line when they walk in the door and they go straight upstairs? They slam the door and go straight upstairs. Is this happening in your house and you're thinking, they've had a rough day or they just need time to themselves. Fair. But at what point do we say, "Hey, Come on in here. Let's have a chat." you're going to get the one syllable answers. How was school? Fine. Would you do nothing?  But can you start asking different questions? Can we go a little deeper into our questions with our kids instead of giving them the option of, the one-word answers to see if we can get some information out of them? And Do we have a couple of these conversations after school and think, " my god, I can't do this anymore. he's just going to his room. He's just going to go do homework.

Cheryl Pankhurst: she's just going to chat with her friends. is this our assumption? And do we get tired of the same answers and the same responses and the same attitude with those responses? It's not easy to take. I understand that. But do we give up or do we just keep pressing? Do we make them understand?

Cheryl Pankhurst: Do we try to get them to understand that we're here, we're not giving up on this answer. And what do we start realizing? What is getting in the way of me having these conversations with my kids at home? Is it the internet? Is it other friends? what is it that's getting in the way? And who is in charge?

Cheryl Pankhurst: of removing what's getting in the way. we're still the chief. We're still the leader. We're still the boss. And while we want to guide our kids, coach our kids, lead our kids, we still as parents have to make these final decisions. And it's not going to be fun. And you're not going to get a great reception from it. We know that. Just the way it is.  But when we look at the extreme circumstances as in this whole series, at what point can we say, this is never going to be my kid." And it might never be your kid, but could it be the kid next door? Or it could be the kid that your kid is talking to? Could it be?

Cheryl Pankhurst: How do we find a way to dive in and know more about what they're doing and feel less responsible for how they feel about what you're doing when you are taking the lead as a teacher.  I think if we have this whole holistic community, if teachers are talking to parents and parents are talking to teachers and other parents are talking to other parents, do we have more of a chance of knowing what's happening? And if the kids think that they are surrounded by a community of people who are paying attention, are they going to be less likely to isolate themselves and be involved in things like this?

00:15:00

Cheryl Pankhurst: And if somebody is always watching, Jamie would go to his room, slam the door, and stay there. And, mom kept starting to wonder, "Maybe I should have done more. Maybe I should have asked more questions." And then dad referred to his business getting busy.  And so while he was spending some time with him trying to him toughen him up while he was trying to toughen him up he took him to soccer. He took him to boxing and this wasn't something that Jaime was interested in and he was not very good at.

Cheryl Pankhurst: And so other dads were laughing at him. And Eddie, Jaime's dad, was ashamed of Jaime. And Jaime saw dad not stand up for him. Saw dad not being able to look at him and feel the shame that his dad was feeling. So Of course, there's all these layers in this series. Otherwise, it wouldn't be interesting to watch.  But it's also interesting to pick it apart and get all these little bits and pieces out of it and saying, " then there's this layer and then there's this layer and then there's this layer." Which is exactly why I said what I said in episode three. Kids don't just snap. There's all on top of the other until the kid has had enough. But It's definitely not a snap.

Cheryl Pankhurst: We could be looking at all these signs along the way. he put him in boxing and soccer in order to toughen him up. That's the whole masculinity thing that has been the common thread through all the episodes. He tried to force a manhood on Jamie and what that looked like as opposed to, they talked about how great he was at drawing.  He drew all these pictures in the basement and he loved it. And then all of a sudden he just stopped because he wasn't getting recognized for his artistic ability.

Cheryl Pankhurst: He was being told to toughen up and let's go to soccer and let's go to boxing and just like that whole cliche of what being a man is and not recognizing the creative aspect that Jamie was trying to display. I also wanted to mention in here too that there's a sibling in here, Lisa, an older sibling.  And so the parents are now saying, if we made him and it's our fault because we made him like this." What happened to Lisa? She's a good kid. She's responsible. She's also older. She's also maybe more conversational and might not have had the same type of access to technology. there's that gap in age. So there just might not have been that access to technology that Jamie had.

Cheryl Pankhurst: And do parents get complacent? I don't know if complacent is the word, but if your first kid really in your eyes does nothing wrong, they're never in trouble, sits at the kitchen table, has conversations, everything that's going on in their life, and then you have a second. Do you just assume that this is just the way it is?  And if I made her and she's great and then I made him, he's got to be great, too. is there just that complacency that we don't have to worry about each kid as an individual? I don't know. So, I think what we want to say, what I really want to talk about as we get to the end of it is, here's some warning signs for parents. First of all, silence doesn't mean that we're safe.

Cheryl Pankhurst: It doesn't mean that nothing is happening. It certainly doesn't mean that they're sitting there doing their homework. Isolation does not always mean independence. So Jaime's isolating himself. Are we looking at this he needs his independence? First of all, he's 13. But is that a sign of independence or are they isolating? We need to be very careful of that.  And moodiness might be very normal in a kid, a teenager, of course, it's normal, but a complete disconnection in that moodiness, where they're just again isolating themselves because they're moody and now you just don't want to deal with their attitude right now. At what point do we put that aside and keep asking, keep letting them know, I'm still here.

00:20:00

Cheryl Pankhurst: I'm still watching. I'm still here. Even though I'm fed up, I'm still here. kids are always communicating with us. Even if they're not talking and it's not just a snap. This rage doesn't start and end in one shot.  So as kids are getting older, we might see, this inability to regulate themselves and is this where we jump in?

Cheryl Pankhurst: Is this where we start looking at these little signs instead of thinking it's just these isolated oneoff incidents where they're better off just to have their temper tantrum, go to their room, leave them alone, but if they don't know how to regulate themselves, how do we teach them how to regulate themselves? I think that's really important.  And again, it's those little stages of being able to regulate yourself instead of getting to the point where the rage happens and it's uncontrollable. So, what I want to do, this is not going to be the last episode for me for this because there's so many messages for parents between episode 1 and episode 4. I think this warrants another conversation.

Cheryl Pankhurst: So, I'm going to do one more next week. It's going to be episode five. It's going to be the wrapup, but it's going to be the whole point of this. So, for at home? What are the warning signs that teachers need to look for in the classroom? what are normal responses to being frustrated and what is over-the-top responses to being frustrated? And why is there a difference? And when your kid comes home and says, I'm fine. There's nothing to worry about." What does that actually mean? And what can we say instead? So, we're getting more information from them.

Cheryl Pankhurst: What is your kids scrolling? What are they watching? I mean, we all know if we talk about new shoes downstairs on the computer, our phone in our bedroom pops up in the algorithm, all these new shoes. So, I don't think it's that difficult to figure out what our kids are scrolling. And listen, that phone is your property. If your kid is saying to you, "No, this is my phone. Grandma bought it.  I pay for the plan. no, no, no. This is your property and it is up to you as a parent to be able to take it away, to be able to scroll, to be able to look at anything on that phone that belongs to you. And I honestly believe that that is something you are going to have a fight over day in and day out. But That is still your job.

Cheryl Pankhurst: and what you can be preventing by seeing what they're scrolling or even that messages are coming into them. Maybe they're getting bullied. Maybe they're just a target to something on social media that they don't want to show That you're going to see that and you're going to see if they're the bully and you're going to see what they're Google searching and what they're chat gbting. You're going to see all of that if you have a regular check-in with their phone, a regular check-in with their computer. it is worth the fight. It's worth the war. And if they believe that you're just going to keep on going, that This is your responsibility. They don't have to agree with it, but it's you keeping them safe. And that's the bottom line. That's our job.

Cheryl Pankhurst: We have, a lot of responsibilities with our kids, but our one responsibility is to do our absolute best to keep them safe. it's not always possible, but if we are able to, be proactive with their phones and their computers and their social media, then at least we are making those steps, that effort to keep them safe and to keep their friends safe and to keep the people are hanging out with safe. You might just see things on the sideline that something's happening to their friend and they're not saying anything because they don't want to rat anybody out, but you see it.

Cheryl Pankhurst: you can do something about it. I would love to know if you've watched all of these episodes. the next one I'm going to do on next Wednesday, but I'm also going to run a Facebook live in my Facebook group. So, I'm going to put the Facebook group link in the show notes. I would love for you to come on. I would love to do this live. I would love your questions. I would love your commentary. We sure as heck don't have to agree on any of this.  I want to hear what you're thinking about this because I feel like this is really an important jumping off point to making sure our kids are safe and doing what we need to do in this time in today's world. That's the whole point of the podcast. things are so different, right? We can't parent the way we parented.

00:25:00

Cheryl Pankhurst: So, we need to start thinking 10 steps ahead if we can. I would love for you to think about before even next week if you're going to jump on the Facebook live. What do you think you could look for in your house that maybe you're not seeing? How do we look for the blind spots in our own home with our own kids?  And what changes would you be willing to make now? even talking about taking their phone and looking at their social media? Are you prepared to do that? it takes guts. Especially if it's something you've never thought you had to do. And now and the more resistance you get from your kid, the more you need to grab that phone, the more you need to know what's happening. do they even need a phone? I don't know.

Cheryl Pankhurst: I don't think they do, but for emergency purposes, okay, maybe. But do they need social media? Not till they're at least 16 or 17, I think. Do they need anything except emergency contacts? Maybe texting ability to a couple of friends and mom and dad. If it's for emergency purposes, they don't need Snapchat or WhatsApp or even Instagram or Tik Tok. They don't need any of that.  They don't need any of that. And what are they doing with it besides comparing their lives to this unreal filtered fake, scrolling that they're seeing and then they're looking at their own lives going, " I need to look like that and I need to be like that and I need to have that."

Cheryl Pankhurst: And is that something that we want our kids to be doing before they're at an age when they can really regulate what that means? I don't know. Next week, Facebook live. We're going to wrap this all up. Honestly, send in your questions. Get on the Facebook live. I am open to whatever commentary you have. What it is you're doing. I want to know what you're doing that's working. Never mind what's not working. I want to know what you're doing that's working.  right now. My kids are older. My kids are grown as adults. So, I don't have a say in what's happening right now in the moment. So, I want to know what you're doing that's working. So, you can share it with the audience as well. Thank you again for listening to Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for today's complex world. for next week. I'm excited to hear what you have to say.

Cheryl Pankhurst: I am so immensely grateful that you spend time with me and have a beautiful day.