#97 "Breaking Free from Blame: Redefining Family Stories for Teen Success" with Jay Aedo

Transforming Stories: Empowering Parents and Teens with Jay Ado

Welcome back to another enlightening episode of "Parenting Teens: Advice Redefined for Today's Complex World." In this episode, we delve into the transformative power of storytelling with our special guest, Jay Ado, a children's book author, practical philosophy teacher, and creator of Conscious Bible Stories. Jay shares his journey of questioning and reshaping the narratives that have shaped his life and how this can empower both parents and teens to break free from cycles of fear, blame, and shame.

Discover how changing the stories we tell ourselves can lead to freedom and empowerment, not just for us but for our families. Jay offers practical insights on how parents can initiate meaningful conversations with their teens and even with their own parents, fostering a deeper connection and understanding.

Join us as we explore the importance of questioning old narratives, embracing vulnerability, and empowering our children to be their authentic selves. This episode is a must-listen for any parent looking to create a more meaningful and open relationship with their teens.

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Speaker 1-Cheryl
00:01 - 00:27
Welcome back to another episode of Parenting Team's Advice Redefined for today's complex world. The podcast that challenges the old narratives and invites new insight in the way we parent and the way we connect. Today we are diving into something truly transformational, the power of changing the story. Stories shape our lives, shape our parenting, shape our faith, shape our self-worth.

Speaker 1
00:28 - 00:52
But what if the stories we've always believed weren't the whole truth? What if they've been limiting us and our kids? Our guest today is Jay Ado, the children's book author, practical philosophy teacher, and creator of Conscious Bible Stories. Jay is here to help us explore how shifting the lens can free us and our teens from our cycles of fear, blame, and shame.

Speaker 1
00:53 - 01:32
We are not just talking about rewriting bedtime stories. We're talking about rewriting generational programming Let's dive in welcome to the podcast jay Thanks for having me cheryl. I'm excited to be here Uh, well, you know, let's just dive in we had such a great first meeting and I your energy and even the conversation just went in such a different Wait, you know into what we I thought we might be talking about. I just thought this is really cool How you how the stories i'm going to do a little play on words how our stories we think are gospel And yet maybe not and I love the idea that you are changing story.

Speaker 1
01:32 - 01:38
So let's start with Who's jay? How'd you get here? Why are you doing what you're doing? What's the mission?

Speaker 1
01:39 - 02:18
Let's hear all about jay Yeah, thanks, you know uh I'm fascinated by storytelling and how stories capture our lives. And growing up in a family, a religious household, I was very much taken back by the stories that I grew up with, especially as I grew older, I was like, why are these stories so captivating? Why am I still thinking about these stories? We're not talking about Barney, we're talking about stories that, It's supposed to be where I come from.

Speaker 1
02:18 - 02:38
These are the stories that have shaped me based on history, or so I've been told. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that these stories only captured me because I allowed them to. They were really irrelevant to my day-to-day. They really didn't mean anything to my day-to-day.

Speaker 1
02:38 - 03:13
And yet we were still living our lives, my family, myself, living our lives as if these were the characters of where we come from. And one of my favorite stories that I like to share is the Cain and Abel story. And then so, you know, we're led to believe that we are the descendants of a man who killed his brother and then went on to build cities and we're the descendants of this man. And to me, it was pretty evident where it's pretty obvious, like we are angry and resentful and rageful, just like this character Cain.

Speaker 1
03:13 - 03:43
And I wondered like how much of this is, real genetics as opposed to just the story we've been told. And so just thinking about that a lot, you know, it really shaped the way that I view the world into categories of relevant and irrelevant. And I decided for myself that these stories were no longer relevant to my life. They would no longer capture me in the sense of like, why, you know, I'm angry.

Speaker 1
03:44 - 03:50
but it's not because of this character. It's just, you know, I feel anger. It's okay to feel anger. It's okay to feel resentment.

Speaker 1
03:51 - 03:57
Like these are, these are normal. So it's okay to feel peace. It's okay to feel love. And so, you know, these are just the things that make us up.

Speaker 1
03:58 - 04:45
And so these, these stories that once combined me to a religion or a household, they'd lost their power over me over time after practice, they lost their power. And I realized how, how much better off I was not thinking or believing that these stories were me. And so I decided to, for myself and for my friends and for my family, to share the way that I was looking at the world. And, you know, at first it was a little bit A lot of the friends that I shared it with are Buddhists, so it didn't really mean so much to them.

Speaker 1
04:46 - 05:32
But at least I got to practice saying what I was thinking and feeling, and they were very receptive because it didn't mean so much to them. But it was still something that most of the world believes in some way or another that this is where we come from. And because I decided to start sharing it, I shared it with the people that meant the most to me or whom at least I cared most about what they thought of me, which was my parents. And, you know, to divulge this as a grown man, you know, I just, I had to share it because I felt like it was the one thing keeping our relationship from blooming, you know?

Speaker 1
05:32 - 05:59
And so, It went rather well. I thought about it for a long time and I let them know where I was coming from in a way where I empowered them. I let them know, because these feelings of shame and guilt, They stem from these stories. So I would imagine as older adults, we don't want to question our beliefs.

Speaker 1
05:59 - 06:19
And so I didn't want them to think that I was questioning their beliefs. I was questioning my beliefs. And I wanted them to know about it. And so I was able to open up in a way where I empowered my own parents to look at themselves through a lens of they really did do a good job.

Speaker 1
06:20 - 06:30
They don't have to question that part. They don't have to question their parenting. They don't have to question our relationship. I'm here for them the way that they've been here for me.

Speaker 1
06:31 - 06:56
And I wanted them to feel appreciated. And so it was important for me to have this conversation with them And also it was important for me to share how my beliefs have evolved. And it went really, really well. And because of that conversation I had with them, it's been a few years now, the relationship has blossomed.

Speaker 1
06:56 - 07:17
And my relationship with my parents means so much to me, even more so now. Because before this conversation, I was actually feeling quite resentful toward them in the same way that I was feeling before this conversation, I was feeling resentful toward God. I was angry. I was angry at God.

Speaker 1
07:17 - 07:28
I was like, why would, you know, to me as a kid, I would have this question. Why don't you just come down and clear things up? Like there's, there's obviously a misunderstanding. Why don't you just clear things up?

Speaker 1
07:29 - 07:46
And the conclusion I came to, well, you know, God doesn't really have a voice. You know, in the stories of the Bible, it's individuals who are close to God and the voice is in their head. It's not coming down from the clouds wherever we hear. It's in our imagination, essentially.

Speaker 1
07:46 - 07:58
It's in our soul. It's in our being. where we come to have this relationship with God. It's a clarity within ourselves that nobody else can see.

Speaker 1
07:59 - 08:36
And so the answer that I came to was that, you know, God doesn't come down and clear things up because it's up to me to do it for myself and everyone around me at the very least for me to give my very best effort to clear things up as far as I can see. And to me, that made the game a lot funner in the sense of where, you know, I no longer was angry at God because God empowered me to do it. You know, whatever I saw, it was up to me to clear it up for myself and for those around me.

Speaker 1
08:37 - 09:27
So, you know, I call myself a teacher of practical philosophy because these are very practical Applications to my life where you can change the story of where you come from Not to where you're lying to yourself But simply to where you change the perspective of where you're going with the story and where you're coming from with with things so that's that's sort of the gist of uh You know where i'm coming from and and where i'm going I love that and about 15 different things popped into my head and one is that you know, you weren't you were empowering your parents. And to think that, for me, I would think that good parenting, really good, honest parenting means that our kids can question us.

Speaker 1
09:27 - 09:58
They can say, I'm not really sure about this, because then they are now independent. Individuals really being their authentic selves rather than following the stories without question. And don't we want our kids to question everything? I mean, everything, what they're being taught in school, what their friends are telling them around the corner, what the camp counselor tells them.

Speaker 1
09:59 - 10:30
We want them to question everything, I think. And so if we can come to our parents with a conversation, and I think you probably had a very gentle way to say this, but we're able to say, you're such good parents, I can come to you with this. If you weren't good parents, if I felt like you had this power over me that I couldn't question what was happening, then what happens with the rest of my life? I'm not questioning anything.

Speaker 1
10:30 - 10:49
So I love that you did that and put it in such a, framed it in such a way that it did empower your parents. I think that's so important. That really popped into my head. And when we talk about, Like when we talk about god, it can be A god of anybody's understanding.

Speaker 1
10:49 - 11:17
It can be the universe. It can be your own higher self. It can be Whatever whoever's listening How you interpret that story like that's the story you're telling yourself And I think that's really important to offer that kind of freedom in a story jay, can you say more about You know, you changed the story with your parents. Can you say more about changing stories, even like in the Bible stories type of thing?

Speaker 1
11:17 - 11:27
Like, how are you looking at and going, you know what? I think I'm just going to change this around. Right? Like who looks at the Bible and says, yeah, you know what?

Speaker 1
11:27 - 11:32
That's crap. Let's change this. Like talk more about that. Cause I think that's really interesting.

Speaker 1
11:32 - 11:37
And I love that. Sure. Well, first of all, I don't think it's crap. I think these stories are very important.

Speaker 1
11:38 - 11:53
And I don't mean to poo-poo them. They're not something that I take lightly. I think they're still very powerful stories. I just think that they're misinterpreted in a way where they don't have that much of a hold on you.

Speaker 1
11:54 - 12:55
And I think because throughout time, these stories have been translated in so many different ways uh you know they're maybe not so exact in the way that they're told you know they're told in a way where it's like it's a story like we're watching a movie but it's it's more like like a translation of an interpretation of Where we believe we come from and you mentioned something important, which is The base of why I did this and why I believe this is the pursuit of freedom. I really want to be free And so like what would free me the most would be empowering Those who are important to me my parents and and in that dialogue I freed myself because I was able to I was able to express the thing that I was most afraid to express to those whom I cared about their opinion the most.

Speaker 1
12:55 - 13:28
And that was freeing to me. And so these stories are not in a sense to me, something to sweep under the rug. I don't mean to do that like if they're irrelevant. I think the relevance of it is based on my own Like the capture that they have on my mind And so I wanted to release that capture but still respect the story And the way the reason I changed the story is because I didn't like the characters I

Speaker 1
13:28 - 13:46
didn't like kane or abel because abel is the one whom we're supposed to admire. We're supposed to look up to this one And yet he just dies. He just takes it to me that I don't want to be that character. And I definitely don't want to be the one who just kills his brother.

Speaker 1
13:47 - 14:03
And so both of these characters were very disturbing to me. And so to me, I thought, well, what would I do if I were these characters? What would be the best, the best way to be play out the character story? Yeah.

Speaker 1
14:04 - 14:26
And I put myself first in the place of able or Well, if he's able well, then he's he's capable. He's able he's able to fight He's able to fight for what he believes in if if he's so honorable Why can't he defend his beliefs with action? And then so that's when when I was like Why wouldn't he fight? Why wouldn't he?

Speaker 1
14:27 - 14:46
put Cain in his place. If he's so close to God, if he's the one that's doing things right, well then God has his back. Why wouldn't he stand up and fight knowing God has his back? And then that's why I rewrote the story because I wanted him to fight.

Speaker 1
14:48 - 15:13
And then when I realized, when I played it out in my imagination, he wasn't just fighting for himself or fighting for his own life. He was also fighting for his brother because he saved his brother essentially from living a life of regret because that's what it was. He was, he was shunned away by his own beliefs. God sent him away, but it was the reality of it.

Speaker 1
15:13 - 15:34
Was it that he, he couldn't face his family after what he had done. He was filled with anger and regret resentment and he ran away and And then he goes on to build cities. And this is where we come from, because in these days, nobody else is building cities. So why is this one character so powerful?

Speaker 1
15:37 - 15:52
We can play things out in our own world. The one who does angry, vicious things doesn't learn the error of his ways and change his actions. No, he continues to be like, gathers momentum. He gets worse and worse.

Speaker 1
15:53 - 16:02
And that's what that story plays out for me. Because if you read the story, it's a very short story. It's like a paragraph long. It's only a few sentences.

Speaker 1
16:02 - 16:18
And I'm like, I'm captured by just a few sentences. like written in a language, you know, it's not even my first language. English isn't my first language. So it's like, I just feel like, how did this get so much, like such a hold on us?

Speaker 1
16:19 - 16:43
So I wanted to really be free of that. And there was, you know, the conversation with my parents was the thing that made me realize that I'm free now. You know, now I feel free for the first time ever. And it's because I was able to play the story out the way that I saw fit.

Speaker 1
16:44 - 17:03
I wanted Abel to stand up and fight. And I wanted Cain to realize the error of his ways, but he wouldn't be able to do that after he acted because that would haunt him. We get haunted by the things that we can't change about ourselves. These are the demons.

Speaker 1
17:03 - 17:22
These are the darks, the darkness within ourselves. We think about over and over in our loop, we're literally captured by our own thoughts because of our actions, because of what we've done. And we did it to ourselves. I want it able to fight.

Speaker 1
17:23 - 17:45
And then, so, you know, when I changed the story in a way where Cain is angry, he's angry because Abel sees something that he can't see. He sees this relationship with God. He knows who God is and Cain doesn't. And so when they're supposed to offer the best of themselves, Cain doesn't offer the best of himself.

Speaker 1
17:45 - 17:59
Why would he give the best of himself to someone he doesn't know? And that's who God is. It's like the best part about ourselves. But why would we give the best of ourselves to something we don't even know who it is?

Speaker 1
17:59 - 18:18
Who is God and why would I give my best? And that was the misunderstanding. And so when Abel was able to fight for his beliefs, he put Cain in his place physically, but didn't retaliate in the same anger. He wanted to clear things up because he's Abel.

Speaker 1
18:18 - 18:42
He's the one we're looking up to. So he puts Cain in his place just long enough to have a dialogue with him. And that's when Kane realizes what he had done. He realizes that because he was able to, when you're really angry and you're really fighting, but it only lasts for so long because you run out of energy.

Speaker 1
18:42 - 19:18
So fight runs out of energy and in his exhaustion, he's able to see clearly, oh, I didn't realize what I was doing. And they were able to have this dialogue where, where Abel is able to show him, I give my best to myself and my family and everything around me. And that's what God means to me. That's why I'm, and then Cain hadn't even realized he had already given the best of himself to God because he was saving the best of his crops for himself and his family.

Speaker 1
19:19 - 19:31
And so it was just a misunderstanding. And to me, this was like God speaking to me. You want me to clear up the misunderstanding? You have to clear it up within yourself.

Speaker 1
19:32 - 19:50
And this was my way of doing it. I would imagine as I move forward, I'll find more eloquent ways of clearing up this misunderstanding. But in my silly childlike, way, this is it. For me, this did it for me.

Speaker 1
19:50 - 20:13
And it was a very simple, because that's how simple the story is. It's only a paragraph. It's a very short, simple story. So if I was able to do that for myself, and I released myself, freed myself and my parents, But also not shaming them or guilting them into making me believe something I didn't want to believe.

Speaker 1
20:14 - 20:34
No, I flipped it to where I was grateful because they had gotten me here. They couldn't have done this for me. I had to do it for myself. And that to me was the trigger that really made me realize why God doesn't come down and clear things up for everyone.

Speaker 1
20:34 - 21:17
Because that's for me to do and that that's the best part about it because that to me means that God trusts me Yeah, and and and that's just as powerful as me trusting Yeah, you know as you talk about even you specifically took a story of can enable but I also wonder you know as adults Is there stories we tell ourselves about our families that might not be accurate, that might, my mom never loved me. She never, and I'm not saying me, I'm saying a story I might've told myself is my mom never held my hand or my mom never did this. And I watched my friend's mothers do this.

Speaker 1
21:17 - 21:40
And you come up with this whole story that you've told yourself about your family and that's what you're sticking with. And can we change that story? And how do we do that? What first triggered you to say, oh, maybe I can just change this?

Speaker 1
21:40 - 21:57
What goes through your head first to say, why can't I change this? This might just not be something that I need to believe. Yeah, well, that's a great question. My original question is, who am I to change the story?

Speaker 1
21:58 - 22:11
Who am I to change the story? Yes. And then who am I to not change the story? You know, if this story means so much to me, you know, am I going to keep it to myself?

Speaker 1
22:12 - 22:21
Is that going to free me? When we keep things inside, that really locks us up. And so I wanted freedom. I want to be free.

Speaker 1
22:22 - 22:45
And I'm not talking about being physically captured. I felt captured in my mind because I didn't realize what these stories had done to me. Once I changed this story, I realized that I can change any story. Because of course I had so much anger for certain instances of what my parents could have done or didn't do or could have done better.

Speaker 1
22:45 - 22:59
And so why didn't they? Why didn't they? But then I was just releasing my own responsibility. You know, I was like, I was like trying to blame my parents or blame God.

Speaker 1
22:59 - 23:07
And I realized, oh, this is, this is, this is mine. This is mine. This has nothing to do with my parents. You know, this has nothing to do with, with God.

Speaker 1
23:07 - 23:18
This is on me. And then so I realized I can do it with any of the stories because, and it doesn't matter. You don't have to lie to yourself. That's the biggest thing about changing the stories.

Speaker 1
23:18 - 23:46
This isn't about saying something that isn't. It's about understanding what was and shifting it to where you are now the one who takes responsibility. The one that takes responsibility for the story is the one that can change the perspective of the story. And so, If my parents didn't do something, or if my parents did something that I didn't like, well, then that's for me to do better as a parent.

Speaker 1
23:47 - 24:14
Not for me to do, I can't change it from this angle. So I can learn from it in the sense of they did their very best with the information they had, and now it's for me to take and do better with. That's a different story than just falling victim to the story where, oh, you're just so helpless. Oh, poor you.

Speaker 1
24:15 - 24:20
You can't change it. You can't change history. You can't change the story. Well, I beg to differ.

Speaker 1
24:20 - 24:48
I think you can't change it. I think you can start by changing your perspective into a positive outlook to where you are the one who learns from something you didn't like, only you can see what you don't like about this story. And then now you can change it to where you're the one who changes the perspective of how you were looking at it. And you have that power.

Speaker 1
24:48 - 25:15
You can do it. I really believe that anyone can do this because it's simply an acknowledgement of who you are and where you're coming from with the story. If you want to play out the story as a victim, fine, plenty of, there's plenty of stories where you can play it out that way. And you can just fall in this loop, but you can, the loop is for you to build for yourself.

Speaker 1
25:16 - 25:39
You can go into a positive loop. You know, it's like a, like your, going up or you're swirling down, like down the toilet. So you can fall into this loop of infinite anger or you can change it to where like, hey, I can see why they did this. I would have done the same if I were them.

Speaker 1
25:41 - 25:56
In their circumstance, with their beliefs, in this timeline, they were really doing their best, because I really believe that more than anything. I think we're all doing our very best, even when we're at our worst. Yeah. You know, Brené Brown.

Speaker 1
25:57 - 26:22
I don't know if you recognize that name probably, but she goes through this whole story in one of her, she does, you know, the amazing TED talk. And one of her stories is, the story I'm telling myself. The story I'm telling myself was completely different from what was actually happening. It was a story with her and her husband, and they were like really not having a great interaction.

Speaker 1
26:22 - 26:56
And it was the story she was telling herself based on everything she knew. And it was not going well until she said, Well, the story I'm telling myself is you think I'm fat or you don't want to be with me or whatever it was, but it was completely wrong from the story he was trying to tell her. And I feel like that the story I'm telling myself is exactly what you're saying in the sense of that's my perspective because that's the story I'm telling myself, but I can change that. I can change the story i'm telling myself.

Speaker 1
26:56 - 27:31
Can you you know parents? Really, I think can really feel trapped in like cycles of blame or guilt passed down to them What what role do these old stories play for parents and if they're listening to this? What practical way can they can they? Change this without having their kids come to change the story if they're trying to initiate these conversations if they know Oh, maybe it's time to change this story for them Can you talk to parents about how they might be able to change the story?

Speaker 1
27:31 - 28:01
That was told to them and the story they're telling to their kids I'll do my very best. I don't have teenagers. I have one baby girl However, I catch myself oftentimes playing out the old story. So I'm not gonna say it's as simple as like, okay, the story is different now, it's over.

Speaker 1
28:02 - 28:33
It takes a conscious effort. it takes conscious effort. Sometimes the old story still is just deep ingrained into my system, you know, like a, like an old program. And sometimes, uh, when I'm maybe tired or maybe hungry or, you know, whatever, whatever it is that makes us not at our best, you know, this old program gets a hold of me and I can see it.

Speaker 1
28:33 - 28:58
I can, you know, I can see it. Sometimes, you know, oftentimes I catch it because I've been practicing, like, you know, it's inside of me so I can see it, but sometimes it gets the best of me and sometimes it slips out before I can grab it, you know? And so I think the first part of your question would be answered by you have to practice catching it within yourself. You catch it.

Speaker 1
28:58 - 29:18
you know, like you're catching butterflies or like you're catching an idea or a thought, right? Like if writing it down makes you feel better, if that makes it come to light about how it's coming through you, great. If it's just a moment to yourself, you know, that's how I do it. It's a moment to myself.

Speaker 1
29:19 - 29:33
Hopefully I catch it before I act because that's the only thing that makes it real. your actions make it real. The thought isn't actually real yet. It's only when you make it come into reality with your actions that makes it real.

Speaker 1
29:33 - 30:12
Teach that, that, hey, we're gonna feel a certain way every once in a while, especially when you're not at your best, when you lost the game, when you didn't sleep well, when you didn't get what you wanted out of life. These little resentment, anger, frustration, these things will get ahold of you and and it will bring the worst out of you if you let it. And so if you really realize within yourself that that's not what you want, you don't want to act out in this way. And you've forgiven your parents for acting out in this way because they did the best that they could.

Speaker 1
30:12 - 30:35
So you forgave your parents. I feel like we're one thing, we're one thing coming through a story. Your parents are you, your kids are you. And so like, if you can see this, because your parents told you a story of where they're coming from, and you're sharing that story of where you're coming from with what you have to share today, well, then you have that power also.

Speaker 1
30:36 - 31:15
And the best way to do it is not to tell your kids how to act or what to do, is to share how you're dealing with your own demons. how you're dealing with yourself, and the things you don't like about yourself, and how it's coming through, and how sometimes you catch it, and sometimes it's the best of you, and this is you doing your very best. And that essentially, to me, at the very least, in theory, gives your kids permission to, it's okay to, Play it out. It's okay to make the mistake.

Speaker 1
31:15 - 31:41
It's okay to say things I don't like because that's the only way you're going to realize that it's something you don't like about yourself. You know, and you got to catch it within yourself. Like, you know, it's very different when you point, it's very easy to point something out into somebody else because we're looking at them. We can see, but within ourselves, there isn't a mirror facing us all the time for us to see.

Speaker 1
31:42 - 32:04
So it's like the ability to catch that, It's very powerful because we're doing it without a mirror. So if you can do that for yourself, you can teach that. And it's not about pointing fingers when they do it. It's about showing them, hey, this is when I did it, and this is something I don't like about myself, and I'm working on it.

Speaker 1
32:05 - 32:24
And this is me being as genuine as I can with you because I care about you, I love you, and I want to show you who I am. And I'm not the one who lets these ideas and thoughts run off. I'm the one who catches it within myself. You're catching yourself.

Speaker 1
32:25 - 32:45
And if you can share that, I think that's a big win. And I think, especially with teenagers, because teenagers really do get it. When you're really young, little kids, so much dialogue isn't really going to do too much. You're not going to have, you're going to have to talk it out with little kids.

Speaker 1
32:45 - 32:57
But with teenagers, you can talk things out. You can really share things. And the best thing you can share with them is not what they're doing wrong, it's what you're doing wrong. Oh my God, I love that.

Speaker 1
32:58 - 33:43
I love that because it's so, you know, I've said this many times when my kids were younger, when they were teenagers, I was a teacher in the high school system and I felt like I had to be Mama, google. I had to have all the answers. I couldn't say I don't know or let's work I had to be like it was the mom I had to know everything and Man, I if I could go back if I could go back and just say oh well maybe that wasn't right, but so You know moving forward to parents who are listening I love that you said that like we're not pointing out what they're doing wrong We're pointing out what we don't like about ourselves and how vulnerable is that like here?

Speaker 1
33:43 - 34:16
Here's my soul right right in front of you Which gives them the same opportunity and I just love that. I think that's such a great Such a great way to look at it's such a good perspective um So I would love to I know we're getting close. I would love to ask you If somebody wants to change the story with their parents, as you did, and I know I think you were older, you weren't a teenager when you were doing this, right? Definitely.

Speaker 1
34:18 - 34:42
Give us some really practical steps because it isn't just teens who need to do this. Like, we're looking, parents are listening going, oh, maybe I could change the story with my parents. Like, how do we initiate that conversation? What are we saying to them to keep it open and keep it vulnerable and keep it without blame and shame?

Speaker 1
34:42 - 35:22
How do we start those conversations? Well, the way I started with my parents was I deeply complimented them and I let them know how much they meant to me and how, because I can tell, I can tell, you know, the way they express themselves, they're older, they're in their eighties now. And so I can tell they're holding on to things. And the last thing I wanted to do was, blame them for anything, especially because I didn't blame them for anything.

Speaker 1
35:22 - 35:45
I was actually grateful for getting me to this point. And so if you can communicate to not just your parents, to anyone that means something to you, that you're doing, you're complimenting them. You're pointing out, you know them. So there's plenty to compliment your parents about.

Speaker 1
35:46 - 35:55
I'm sure there's plenty to show. You don't have to point the things you don't like. You can point at things you love. And I would say, start there.

Speaker 1
35:55 - 36:10
Because that would be the foundation to ease the tension of where you're coming from. And remove this defense mechanism. We're not fighting. This isn't a time to fight.

Speaker 1
36:11 - 36:25
You want to show them what they mean to you. And if that has to be... several conversations of you just complimenting your parents and just pointing something out. Hey, remember when I was a teenager and you did this?

Speaker 1
36:25 - 36:48
At the time, I was so angry, but now I'm so grateful that you did that. You didn't let me go to that place that I wanted to go to. There's plenty. There's so much evidence that your parents did a great job and you just have to Set your angry feelings aside and focus on the things that really mean so much to you.

Speaker 1
36:48 - 36:58
And these people, these aren't just people. These are the people that mean the most to you. This is where you come from. And you realize that they were really doing their best.

Speaker 1
36:59 - 37:15
to keep you safe and alive. And I can only say that now that I have little girls like, shit, I really have to keep this thing alive. Like that's so important. You don't realize that when you're a teenager, like these are people trying to keep you alive to the best of their ability.

Speaker 1
37:16 - 37:52
And if you let them know with stories based on real instances based on real memories that you both share Oh, this conversation will go so far. I promise I promise you because the conversation between you and your parents nobody else can see nobody else has that memory of what you did and didn't do and Only you and your parents hold that there's something to that And only you can point that out to them because they had probably forgotten They had forgotten because they're so caught up in the idea of keeping you alive that they forgot everything they're done. They've just, they're caught up by the story too.

Speaker 1
37:53 - 38:03
And so it's up to you to, hey, Oz, hold on a second. Remember that time you did this? I really appreciate that. You did such a good job.

Speaker 1
38:04 - 38:19
And you tell them, it doesn't sound corny, trust me. From their perspective, it's not corny, it's not boring, it's not lame. We're past lame. These are actual, true feelings that you're sharing with people that are important to you.

Speaker 1
38:23 - 38:39
That's so good. That's, I love that. And I, I know like we're talking to parents about teens, but I mean, parents have parents like I have parents or I, my dad's gone, but I have my mom and can I have that kind of conversation with my mom? You know what?

Speaker 1
38:39 - 39:05
I'm starting to think, yeah, maybe I could. And if I were to have this conversation and share this with my adult children, does that now open the door for them to say, well, you know, mom, Can we go back to and let and open the door for them to be able to share that with me and change the story with me? I think that would be Such a gift for them I love this.

Speaker 1
39:05 - 39:26
I think that's really something Yeah, that's really meaningful. Like that's really powerful because you here you are With still your your parents and your kids and you can change the story for everyone. That's how powerful you are I don't take this Yeah, yes. Yeah, I completely agree.

Speaker 1
39:27 - 39:50
Yeah. All the things that some people just, you know, I was walking around the cemetery the other day and I was like, all the stories that are buried here that went unshared, you know, not just the dreams and the books and the plays and whatever didn't get written and acted out, but the stories. You know, time is of the essence.

Speaker 1
39:51 - 40:17
We never know. So if you have a story that you really need to change with anybody, like at the end of the podcast, start figuring out who you need to talk to, because it just makes, I could just imagine, I can feel it, I haven't even done this, and I'm going to, but I can feel how it would be so freeing. How close I came to not doing it.

Speaker 1
40:19 - 41:01
It was that close Wow, because I didn't want to do it because it's it's hard Yeah, well the hard stuff is the important stuff right it always seems to be The harder it is the more important it is I feel like those conversations and steps and Jay, I mean, I love this conversation, but I want to also give you the floor in telling our listeners how to work with you, how to find you, all things Jay. I'm going to put everything in the show notes, but we want to hear from you too. Yeah, I appreciate your time, Cheryl, and I really appreciate your openness and having me on.

Speaker 1
41:02 - 41:22
If anybody wants to get a hold of me, consciousbiblestories.com is where you can find my stories. I'm on Amazon, J-I-A-O. And if you want to reach out, I'd love to hear from you. Fantastic jay, I i'm so grateful for the work that you do and for what you shared with us today.

Speaker 1
41:23 - 41:53
You really opened my heart And I have work to do I have work to do Thank you so very much. Oh my goodness. Thank you for listening to parenting teens advice redefine We will see you again next time. I appreciate every single person that is listening to this and You know, if you don't have a teen, or you just love a teen, or you're a teacher with a teen, share these out because you just never know who needs to hear our messages today.

Speaker 1
41:57 - 42:16
Thank you for listening to another episode. I hope you loved this one as much as I did. And I just wanted to share something with you because, you know, parenting teens is not just about managing these challenges that we talk about on all the episodes. It's also about evolving alongside them.

Speaker 1
42:18 - 42:42
And I'm Cheryl and not only the host of this podcast, but I'm also the creator of Insight to Impact, coaching and consulting. And I help you moms of teens reconnect with your true selves so you can lead with purpose, you can parent with clarity, you can create stronger, more meaningful relationships with your kids. Because here's the truth. The transformation starts with you.

Speaker 1
42:42 - 42:56
Together, we will break free from the stress and overwhelm. We will rediscover your power. We will create the life and the family dynamic you always dreamed of. If you're ready to start this journey, let's do it.

Speaker 1
42:57 - 43:07
You might just not recognize your life in the next 90 days. It all starts with a call. There's no pitch. There's no pressure, just a call to see if I can help.

Speaker 1
43:07 - 43:18
We'll talk about your goals. We'll talk about what's making you feel stuck and what might be getting in your way. And everything you need to connect with me is in the show notes. Again, I'm Cheryl.

Speaker 1
43:18 - 43:30
Thank you so much for joining me here on Parenting Teens, advice redefined for today's complex world and the creator of Insight to Impact Coaching and Consulting. Have a great day.