# 98 "The Stories in Our Heads: Parenting Teens with Compassion"

Rewriting the Stories in Our Heads: Parenting Teens with Compassion

 Welcome to another episode of WTF, the spinoff series from Parenting Teens Advice Redefined. In this extended Friday episode, your host Cheryl Pinkers dives deep into the stories we tell ourselves and how they impact our parenting. Inspired by the recent conversation with Jay Ado, Cheryl explores how these narratives, often rooted in childhood or influenced by external sources like social media and news, shape our reactions and interactions with our teens.

Through relatable examples, Cheryl illustrates how shifting our perspective from reactive storytelling to data-driven responses can transform our parenting approach. Discover how to replace frustration and resentment with curiosity and compassion, fostering a more understanding and supportive relationship with your teen.

Join Cheryl as she encourages parents to pause, reflect, and rewrite the stories that no longer serve them. This episode is a must-listen for any parent looking to navigate the challenges of raising teenagers with empathy and clarity.

wtf stories.mp4
Transcript generated by Transcript LOL
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Speaker 1
00:02 - 00:35
And welcome to another episode of WTF, the spinoff series from Parenting Teens Advice Redefined. I'm doing another, like an extended episode on Fridays now because I really want to be able to have my own voice, not just, you know, I interview guests on Wednesdays and I love their expertise and it's, they're the star of the show. But then afterwards I feel like, ah, I just want to say a little bit more about that or, you know, give you a little bit more of what's going on in my own life. And so welcome to Friday.

Speaker 1
00:35 - 00:58
I am your host, Cheryl Pinkers, and I'm really glad you're here. I wanted to talk today because the last episode on Wednesday was with Jay Ado, and he was talking about stories, the stories that we have in our heads. And I've been talking about this even with some friends over the week about these stories that we have. And they're stories that, where do we get these stories?

Speaker 1
00:58 - 01:21
We get them from childhood, do our parents put stories in our head, church, social media, the news. We get all these external output that gives us these stories that we then work through the minutes and the events of our lives with the story already in place. And so I want to give an example first. Let's say you're in traffic.

Speaker 1
01:22 - 01:36
and somebody cuts you off. And the first story is, you asswipe, like get out of my way. Who do you think you are? I don't know why they think they're so important in their fast cars and you're pissed off and that's it.

Speaker 1
01:37 - 01:52
For the rest of your drive, you are pissed off, story one. They did that on purpose to ruin your day. So their story two, oh, you know, Maybe they're having a bad day. Maybe they're in a hurry.

Speaker 1
01:53 - 02:04
Maybe they've got somebody in the hospital. I shouldn't be so judgmental. Oh, I should have just let them in in the first place. But again, there's a whole story there.

Speaker 1
02:04 - 02:13
Or there's this data. Oh, someone cut me off. Hmm, oh well. Let's turn up the radio and just keep going.

Speaker 1
02:14 - 02:33
How does that make you feel? There's nothing in your body getting upset or angry or pissed off because there's that story. So when we are in the middle of something and something happens and our body goes, can we just say, well, there's a story I don't need to read anymore. Let's get rid of that.

Speaker 1
02:34 - 03:02
So when we're talking about parenting, Stories can be a little different because, again, with parenting, you know, I always say we can't parent the way we were parented, but we do bring stories from our own childhood into our world. And so let's go with this example. Your teen is supposed to mow the lawn, empty the dishwasher, clean up their room after school. And you get home from work, and none of this is done.

Speaker 1
03:03 - 03:15
So now you're fuming. And they're in the room, the door is shut, and you're steaming, and the story is going through your head. Oh, they're just disrespecting me. They don't give a crap about this house.

Speaker 1
03:15 - 03:27
They only worry about themselves. And oh, I'm going to just freak out. Why don't they do anything around here? And then the best part is when they come out of their room and say, hey, can you give me a ride to the mall?

Speaker 1
03:29 - 03:33
Oh, snap. Oh, snap. Are you kidding me? A ride to the mall?

Speaker 1
03:33 - 03:38
You didn't do anything here. You didn't do this. You didn't do that. And now you actually come to me and think you're going to get to ride to the mall.

Speaker 1
03:39 - 03:43
Who do you think you are? I do this all day. I do everything for you. There's story number one.

Speaker 1
03:44 - 03:51
How does that feel? Crappy. Story number two. Oh, you want to go to the mall, do you?

Speaker 1
03:51 - 04:00
Well, I can't take you to the mall. You know why I can't take you to the mall? Because I have to do all these chores myself. You don't bother to do anything and then you have the guts to ask me for something.

Speaker 1
04:00 - 04:16
Meanwhile, I don't have time to take you to the mall because I'm going to do all these chores myself. For me, there's the story of my life. I ask people to do things and they never do them. So selfish this is not just about you.

Speaker 1
04:16 - 04:37
No, you're not going to the mall because i'm going to do everything myself story two story three is I would love to take you to the mall as soon as you finish what you need to do Dad How does that feel? Does that feel like rage? Does that feel like anger? Does that feel like?

Speaker 1
04:37 - 05:00
frustration and resentment no the data is These boxes need to be checked before this happens. And if they don't get checked by the certain time, we can't get to them all. And then you go on with your day. The whole ping pong argument, back and forth, but you said, but I didn't know, it's not worth it.

Speaker 1
05:00 - 05:29
The story that you need to have in your head is, no story. This is the data, this box wasn't checked, so that box can't get checked, and I'm gonna get on with my day. How does that feel? I feel like we get, you know, I think we have this whole thing going on in our heads, even with kids or with spouses or with parents, that we almost know what to expect and the story is already playing out for us.

Speaker 1
05:29 - 05:57
So when we get into, see, I told you, I told you this was gonna happen because that story is already playing out because you've already written the story. Stop writing the stories. And when you, it's easy to say, it's easy to stay at a time in a podcast, but when you start feeling yourself on the way home from work and you know, you've had this list of chores and you know, there's maybe there's that expectation. They're not going to get done.

Speaker 1
05:58 - 06:06
Can you rehearse what's going to happen before you get home? Here's the checklist. Wasn't checked. I can't do this.

Speaker 1
06:06 - 06:30
Done. The language and the arguments and the ping pong back and forth is just not the story you want to tell anymore. It is not how you want to get home from work. It's not how you want to parent because, and you know this, because once the story is over, once the rage and the argument is over, you feel like crap.

Speaker 1
06:31 - 07:02
You feel like crap and everybody else feels like crap. So can we try to eliminate some of the stories that we bring with us into our parenting. Can we even sit down and think of the past last few arguments that you've had with your teen and how it went and why it went that way? You know, the story could be that they had a really shitty day at school.

Speaker 1
07:03 - 07:21
they got home, they broke up with their girlfriend, they failed a test, they all and all they need right now is to be with their friends. That's all they want. They didn't purposely not do their chores. They didn't purposely piss you off.

Speaker 1
07:22 - 07:51
They didn't Strategize I'm not gonna do any of this and then as soon as they get home, I'm gonna ask them for something else That's not necessarily what happened at all. That might be the story you're telling yourself But maybe something completely different has happened And by asking or just not even engaging just saying this didn't get done. So this can't get done Maybe you can even ask Was it hard to get your chores done? Did something happen today?

Speaker 1
07:52 - 08:17
Can you go back and think, maybe this is just completely has nothing to do with me as a parent. Maybe it has nothing to do with responsibilities and chores or even school. Maybe something has happened during the day where, and we know teens are very self-absorbed as they're supposed to be. But maybe they've just had the worst possible day.

Speaker 1
08:18 - 08:47
And the only reason they need to get to the mall is because their friends are there to support the breakup. Their friends are there to give them what they need at that time. So if we can stop assuming the stories in our head and start maybe asking questions, being curious, if things aren't getting done, can we say, well, what was hard about not emptying the dishwasher? What was hard about not cutting the grass?

Speaker 1
08:47 - 09:22
What was hard about that? You might get a whole different response and a more compassionate team when you come at this with curiosity and not come at this with this whole story you already had in your head about what was possibly gonna happen when you got home. We do this to ourselves all the time. overthinking and overplaying and over arguing.

Speaker 1
09:22 - 09:31
We have the whole argument in our head before it actually happens. So you're already fired up. You're already expecting. So check as a parent.

Speaker 1
09:31 - 10:02
We need to check ourselves because it's You know, we need to understand that our kids don't always sit and worry about what we think, and if we're going to get mad, and if they need to do something for us. It's not the way it is when you're a teen. But you can show what compassion looks like by being curious and asking questions, instead of diving into the shame, the blame, the argument, the resentment, the I'm going to do everything myself story. It's not worth it.

Speaker 1
10:03 - 10:22
So can you just tell yourself what story is coming with you on the way home? What story are you telling yourself about how things might go? And you could be disappointed because the story in your head ends really well. But in real life, it doesn't end well at all.

Speaker 1
10:22 - 10:33
And so that creates even more disappointment. How about you just don't have a story? The moment is now, let's see what happens now. I'm driving now, I'm getting home now.

Speaker 1
10:33 - 11:13
Let's see what happens now instead of creating this whole history or this whole future that may never ever happen. We get all worried and we get all fired up and we just need to start, stop telling ourselves a story. And if we're hearing a story, can we take a breath, take a pause and go, yeah, that happened when I was 13, or that's something my dad said to me, or that's something I heard on the news, or that was a filter on the Facebook, or that was just something that has absolutely nothing to do with the moment right now.

Speaker 1
11:15 - 11:32
So I thank you for joining me on this WTF episode and live on Instagram. I'm so glad you are all here. This has been fun. DM me if you have any questions and if this resonates with you, get ahold of me, ask questions, let me know what you want to talk about on WTF.

Speaker 1
11:33 - 11:52
Thank you for listening and I will see you next week. Have a fabulous weekend. Thank you.