#102 "The Unexpected Key to Peaceful Teen Parenting"

#ParentingTeens #TeenYears #DontTakeItPersonally

Navigating the Teen Years: Don't Take It Personally

Welcome to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice, redefined for today's complex world. In this special Friday WTF edition, we dive into the transformative power of not taking things personally as a parent. Discover how shifting your perspective can change your relationship with your teen and create a foundation for lifelong trust and communication. Learn practical tools to stay calm, curious, and grounded amidst the emotional storms of adolescence. This episode is packed with insights and strategies to help you navigate the magic years of parenting teens.

Welcome to Friday WTF, another episode of Parenting Teens Advice, redefined for today's complex world. And this is the Friday spinoff WTF. And it can be welcome to Friday or it can be whatever mood you're in for this morning. I wanted to, first of all, thank everyone for the comments and the DMs and the messages about the 100th episode.

It was really exciting for me, and really moving, and just felt like a really great goal reached. So thank you, and I wouldn't have been there without you. So I appreciate your comments. And today, I really want to talk about that book, The four agreements, sorry.

Oh my gosh, I'm blanking. So what you're going to know about WTF is there's no editing. It's uncut. You're just getting me on a Friday morning.

So I wanted to talk about WTF. On WTF, I want to talk about don't take it personally, because it is really a shift in parenting that can change everything for you. You know, when you talk about having issues with your kids or conversations with your kids, you know, let's be honest, like it's the eye roll, they ignore your question, they're slamming the door, or, you know, you never understand me. And the first thing you're thinking is, after all I've done, I give you everything, why you have to be like this, what happened to my sweet little preteen, and the spiral begins.

And let me gently challenge you here about this. What if None of it has anything to do with you. What if that particular moment wasn't a rejection of you as a parent, but as a reflection of what they're really holding inside? The confusion, the hormones, and the pressure, the whole identity crisis we know They're still trying to figure out who they are and who they're becoming and trying to shed who they were as a kid.

Your teen is in the middle of becoming someone new and that can get very messy. But when we take it personally, we miss the whole point. We respond from our wounds, not our wisdom. So where does a book come in?

Don't take it personally. I know everything feels really counterintuitive. You're the parent. They are talking to you and they came from you.

But let me tell you, your kid's sarcasm, not about you. Your kid's withdrawal, not about you. And the outburst, still not about you. It's about what they're struggling to hold inside.

And the truth is they don't have the tools to express it clearly yet. You are the safe landing, and that's a blessing and a burden. But when you take it personally, you lose your ability to show up as that grounded adult that they desperately need. When you are, you can co-regulate with your team.

So when you are activated, they're activated. And when they're activated, you're activated. And it's almost like this ping pong effect. But when you can stay calm and curious and rooted, they feel it.

And what can you do instead of reacting? Well, you can take that pause that I talk about all the time in these episodes. You can breathe, and you can just keep reminding yourself, this is not about me. I'm safe.

I'm the adult. And you can calm their nervous system, because your calm nervous system tells them that you're the anchor. You're the adult in the midst of their storm. And that's where the compassion of the control really, really changes everything.

This is where your power lies, not in reacting, but in responding with clarity. So don't ask, why are they doing this to me? Instead ask, you know, mid outburst, mid door slam, can you ask yourself, take the pause, take the breath, and what is really going on for them right now? Teenagers are like these emotional detectives in the dark.

They're stumbling towards their identity and when they lash out, it's rarely because they want to hurt you. They're hurting and you're in range. And guess what? The good news is it's because they trust you.

You are the unconditional anchor solid rock for them. They know no matter what it is they say and do, you will always love them. And you might have to recover from some actions and some conversations, but you are their solid rock. So instead of like tightening your grip, soften.

And this moment is not about your worth. It's an invitation to be steady. You're not there to fix it, but you're here to witness it. You're here to notice it.

You're here to be, I don't know, curious about it. And when I talk about so many times in the podcast, I say there's a lot of strategies we can put on a lot of specific issues for our teens, but it's really not them. It's you. And that's where the magic happens.

That is not a slam. It's where the magic happens because if you're feeling triggered by your team, Many times, it's an invitation to look inside and say, OK, what is this that stings so badly? What is it that is really triggering me at this point? If their defiance makes you feel invisible, can you go back and say, where have I felt totally dismissed before and unimportant, like I didn't have a voice?

If their silent treatment makes you panic or get very resistant, What is it that you have experienced maybe way back in your childhood that is like, Oh, I remember being ignored. I remember that felt being unloved. I remember that felt like I was super unimportant and I didn't have a voice in my family with my own parents. They're not easy questions, but they're very powerful because when you stop taking it personally, you create space for your own healing.

That's why I say, In my work, it is not them, it's you. And again, I'm not blaming, it's empowering. Because when you shift, everything can shift. So here's three grounded tools to practice.

Don't take it personally this week. Have a phrase ready. You know it's gonna happen. If it's happening every day of the week and all day long, you know it's gonna happen.

It's predictable. Just remember, this is their storm, not mine. I'm the lighthouse. I'm not the waves.

This is not about me. Put on a sticky note, stick it on your fridge, stick it on your computer screen, stick it on your mirror in the bathroom and then create space. So when the tensions are rising, can you step back literally and emotionally and say, I want to hear you when you're ready. I'm here.

That pause, that is parenting gold. Not only does it give you a minute to regulate yourself, but our kids are not, much as they very rarely listen to us, they watch us. So when your kid sees you take a pause and be able to reframe what it is you want to say, and you don't have to be their dartboard, you don't have to be standing there taking their jabs, you can say, you can come back to this, you can take your pause, you can exit, but let them see you do that because it gives them permission and it sets an example that they can do this too.

And then when things calm down, you can say, hey, you know, that earlier explosion felt really hard. Do you want to talk about what's happening? This model kind of repairs, it builds trust, and it teaches them how to come back. It doesn't have to be a silent treatment for the rest of the day or even the rest of the hour.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. You are navigating big emotions, big transitions, and letting go of who they were while holding space for who they're becoming. So you're going to get it wrong. So will they.

So did I. We all will. But when you stop taking it personally, and you start leading with compassion, and you give them the gift of safety, then you give yourself a little more gift of some more peace in your world. So this week, can you say, let the door slam, and then say in your head, this isn't about me, this isn't about how I parent, I can still hold space, and I can go back and check myself, ask myself those questions.

Why is this triggering me? Why is this bothering me so much? And really give yourself that grace. I mean, this is the toughest time.

It really is. And I hear parents so often say, oh my gosh, I just can't wait for this to be over. I can't wait for them to be old enough to figure out or get out or get a job. But this is the magic years, the teen years for them, the magic years where you are building a new foundation for a relationship for the rest of your life when they are 25 and 30 and 40 and they're having these great trusting conversations with you, calling you up

for advice and they're now becoming a friend and a confidant. It's magic. It really is magic. It is worth the work.

So, if this episode landed with you, I would love for you to share it with fellow moms and dads who are in the thick of it. If you want support walking this path, not perfectly, but powerfully, come and connect with me. I will leave everything in the show notes. And I've also created a complimentary resource for you, and it's called Say This Instead.

And it's five scripts that get your teen to talk without feeling attacked. So you can stop guessing why. You can stop guessing what to say. You can stop guessing what the heck you're going to be in for next.

I'm walking on eggshells. the whatever, the slam doors, the silence. If you're constantly overthinking your words or walking on eggshells, you're not alone. So this guide will give you five short scripts that break through that shutdown, open space for real talk without forcing it.

I'm going to put the link to this. Again, it's complimentary. I just want you to be able to have these conversations with your kids. I'll put it in the show notes as well as lots of other ways to work with me.

Welcome again to your weekend and WTF. I am so grateful for you to be here listening to me and I want you to just love your weekend. Take a breath, stay grounded, stay connected. Remember it's not them, it's you, but in the most beautiful, transformational way.

See you next time. This is Cheryl Pankhurst signing off. See you next Friday.