#107 "Don't Let Divorce Disrupt Your Teen's Life: Learn How to Co-Parent Like a Pro!"

 #ParentingTeens #CoParenting #DivorceSupport #TeenParenting #FamilyDynamics #ParentingAdvice #Teenagers #ParentingTips #CherylPankurst #InsightToImpact

In this solo episode of "Parenting Teens Advice Redefined," host Cheryl Pankurst delves into a deeply personal and crucial topic: navigating divorce and co-parenting in today's complex world. Drawing from her own experiences and her work with families, Cheryl shares invaluable insights and practical tips to help parents manage the emotional and logistical challenges of divorce while prioritizing their children's well-being. From understanding the stages of grief to maintaining consistent rules across households, Cheryl offers guidance to create a supportive and harmonious environment for your teens. Whether you're in the midst of a divorce or looking to strengthen your co-parenting relationship, this episode is packed with actionable advice to help you and your family thrive.

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Speaker 1
00:01 - 00:36
Welcome to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for today's complex world. I am your host, Cheryl Pankurst, and I'm so grateful that you're here. I know most of my podcast drops on Wednesdays are with interviews, but today I wanted to do a solo with the sole purpose of talking about a topic that is very close to my heart. Just two weeks ago, an episode for another podcast, The Good Divorce, dropped.

Speaker 1
00:36 - 01:16
And I was a guest on that along with my former husband and father of my adult children. We did this podcast in order to show how you can actually, with two reasonable adults, with your priorities intact, get through the divorce and manage and flourish through the co-parenting experience right up until your kids are older and living on their own, independent grown-ass adults and starting lives of their own and being able to manage once you have kids. I mean, you know, once you have kids, this is it for life.

Speaker 1
01:17 - 01:52
there are going to be occasions where you're going to want to be together. And so trying to get through this whole process of divorce and co-parenting is absolutely, again, manageable when you have somebody who is a reasonable adult. Of course, not everyone will be dealing with a somewhat reasonable adult who only has the best for the kids in mind. So I recognize that if this is your reality, I am sending you so much love and support to get to the other side of it.

Speaker 1
01:53 - 02:36
However, from my personal experience and from the success of helping other families get through this, here are some, not all, but some of the most important tips that I can share. And one of them is when you are the initiator, you are typically someone who's had, doesn't think of this on Monday, feels like, oh, this is over, I can't do this anymore, we need to separate. You don't think of this on Monday and it happens on Tuesday. It is a very, I think in most cases, a slow drip, and it could be over a year, two years, 10 years, a very slow process for you.

Speaker 1
02:36 - 03:22
as the initiator that's not putting anyone else in the mix and so when you start thinking about it your brain then starts to process so as you process this decision and how you are able to visualize how it might play out and how you are able to prepare yourself and how it might play out when you actually have the conversation I think it is so vitally important that you recognize that while you are on stage seven of this whole process, you know, there's seven stages of grief, they say you are on the seventh stage. They're back on stage one. So not only is your ex-spouse on stage one, but your kids will be on stage one.

Speaker 1
03:23 - 03:59
So when you see the extreme reactions come out, when you see the behaviors, when you see the resentments and the anger and all of that that comes, especially in the initial stages, can you understand that you have already in your head gone through those things, but had to keep it to yourself because you are processing it? And now your ex or your kids are processing it outwardly. Can you put a filter on that for yourself thinking, okay, I've been through this part.

Speaker 1
03:59 - 04:06
I understand. That's how I felt five years ago, two years ago, one year ago, six months ago. That's how I felt. I was angry.

Speaker 1
04:06 - 04:54
I was talking to friends or I had a therapist or I was taking out my resentment and my stress on something else or someone else. I didn't take it out on them because they didn't know anything about it. So please think about giving them so much grace and so much time and not using the anger and the resentment and the initial expression of that against them because it's truly not fair. If you can really think about how reasonable that is to ask and sometimes it might just mean you just need to take a deep breath and have no conversations for a while while they catch up or they can go look for some outside support in the sense of

Speaker 1
04:54 - 05:20
therapy or some kind of counseling. As you, the initiator, I think it is so important for you to say, okay, I know this is happening because I have had a chance to process it and they haven't, and I need to give them the grace and the support in order to process and catch up with me. And that goes with your family, that goes with your friends.

Speaker 1
05:20 - 05:58
If you have not, you know, confided in anyone else but one close friend or nobody, then when you make this announcement, remember that everybody's going to need to catch up. And if you weren't the type of couple that, you know, had your emotions out in public or had your fights or had your quarrels or, you know, people knew there was some trouble going on. If you are a very private couple that never shared any of these things, then you are really going to shock a lot of people. And if you want to get support from your friends and your family, you need to allow them to catch up as well.

Speaker 1
05:58 - 06:36
And I would say, especially in your in-laws, you know, if you have very close relationship with your in-laws, But this comes out. You really understand, number one, they are always going to be loyal to their immediate family member. But if you do want some support, if you do want to continue some kind of relationship with them, you do have to understand that they, too, will be very shocked and not at the same stage as you and not understanding. And maybe if they didn't see any outward arguments or stress or friction between you, they're going to be shocked.

Speaker 1
06:37 - 07:15
and they're going to need some time to get around that. So tip number two is please please don't have the conversations with your kid like oh see your dad and I didn't agree on this trying to convince them that this is a good idea that you're gonna be happier now, and your dad's gonna be happier now, or your partner's gonna be happier now, and there's gonna be no more fights, and we're not gonna have to worry about going here and doing this. You are never, ever going to convince them that this is a good idea.

Speaker 1
07:16 - 07:32
So trying to get them on your side, or trying to get them to understand that everyone is going to be happier now, This is not going to convince them. You need to get that right off your plate. You can state the facts. You can keep as little language as possible about it.

Speaker 1
07:32 - 07:50
They don't need all the information. They just need to know what they need to know, period. And deal with your emotions and your logistics with whether it's your lawyer or your mediator or your ex, if that's possible. They do not need this information.

Speaker 1
07:50 - 08:15
They do not need to know that Nor do they honestly, especially if you're hitting on the teenage years, do they care if you're going to be happier? Teens are all about themselves, and they should be. That is exactly the way it's supposed to go. However, keep that in mind when you think, oh, if they see me be happier, they'll be happier.

Speaker 1
08:15 - 08:22
No, that's not how it's going to go. So get that right out of your head. That's not how it's going to work. That's not reality for a teenager.

Speaker 1
08:23 - 08:41
And it doesn't make them selfish. It doesn't make them uncaring, it makes them a teenager who is learning empathy and sympathy and emotions. This is still part of their growth. Get your own, number three, get your own support system.

Speaker 1
08:42 - 09:18
I have seen so many cases where parents are leaning on their kids for support, for friendship, for camaraderie, for divulging information and having these supportive conversations because their kids are older. You wouldn't typically do this with a five-year-old. You wouldn't do this with a 12-year-old, but now you've got a 15-year-old in your house. They're old enough to understand and they could be my friend and I can get some support from them and some love from them because who loves me more than my kids?

Speaker 1
09:18 - 09:38
You cannot You cannot please put the pressure of a support system on your kids. Find a friend, call a friend, call a therapist, do whatever it takes. Do not rely on your kids to be your support system. This creates so much pressure on them.

Speaker 1
09:39 - 09:57
And one of those big pressures is a loyalty. So if they are trying to support you because you're asking for the support, now they're feeling this confliction. about not being loyal to the other parent. And we have to understand they need to love and be loyal to both of you.

Speaker 1
09:58 - 10:17
So in order to not put that pressure on them, you need to get your own support system when it comes to talking about the divorce, releasing your pressure, getting rid of some of the emotion, just getting support. It is not your kids. Responsibility. to support you or give you advice or understand.

Speaker 1
10:17 - 10:50
And if you think that they're supporting you by listening, nodding their head, giving you a hug, and you're thinking, oh no, we're besties, please don't do that. Please don't misunderstand just because you're not getting the response I'm telling you is probably happening. This is not a good idea and is not healthy for your relationship with your kids. Number four, this was personal for me, reside as close as possible for as long as possible.

Speaker 1
10:51 - 11:16
So your kids can have the same friends, they can have the same school. And I was just thinking as well, you know, I know kids like they got to pack up their big bag and their luggage and they go to the parents and they unpack and, you know, they probably takes a few hours, maybe even a few days to settle in and pack up and they got to go. I think I would just hate that.

Speaker 1
11:16 - 11:59
Is there a way to somehow, and I know cost could be a big factor in this, but is there a way to double up as much as you possibly can so they're not packing up their entire life in a bag and bringing it to moms or dads and then packing it up, bringing it back to the other parents every week, every month, every weekend, whatever it is. Can you take the small things, even if it's just The same undergarments, the same pajamas, the same toothbrush, the same everything. I know the electronics might be a little bit out of control, but can they just take a little backpack back and forth as opposed to packing and unpacking all this luggage?

Speaker 1
11:59 - 12:15
I think psychologically, it feels like, well, I'm visiting. It was like, I'm packing up to visit. And you don't want either home to feel like a visit. It's home with dad, home with mom.

Speaker 1
12:15 - 12:33
It's not visiting my dad. It's not visiting my mom. It's dad's home, mom's home, or just my home, my home with dad, my home with mom. If you can start using that language, it makes it feel more familiar and more like home.

Speaker 1
12:36 - 13:09
I would say another tip is keep the same rules as humanly possible in both houses, the same rules and the same boundaries. I know in my podcast with my ex, he was full disclosure, just wanted to be the fun guy, bought the pool table, bought the fun stuff, had the parties until he realized it didn't really work out so well. And there's a few things I did as well that kind of went against our rules. And I admit that in the podcast as well.

Speaker 1
13:10 - 13:23
So can you be aware of if, if, um, When you were together, they weren't allowed to do this. They weren't allowed to do this. Their curfew was this. Can you keep that the same between both homes?

Speaker 1
13:23 - 13:50
Because it's something you both agreed on. But we have to remember that rules at the other parent's house is not under your control. That can be a very, very difficult thing to understand or accept, but it's true. Once they're at home with dad and dad has decided, well, you know what, they can do this or they can stay out an hour later.

Speaker 1
13:52 - 14:26
Much as I recommend you keep it the same as much as often as you can. there are going to be decisions that are none of your business if they're at the other home. And again, this is going to be very difficult to release that kind of control, but you don't have that kind of control. And I would say my, the biggest thing for me, that the biggest, the most important tip for me to share is that keep asking your kids, what do you need?

Speaker 1
14:27 - 14:37
How are you feeling? How is this decision that other parent and I made? How does it make you feel? How does it affect you?

Speaker 1
14:37 - 14:56
Is there something we're not thinking about that is really going to affect you negatively? And keep that going all the time. Well, I asked them before we decided and they said it was fine and we just left it like that. And then you're starting to notice things are just not going so well.

Speaker 1
14:57 - 15:37
Maybe it's because they have seen something with this decision that's not now working for them. And they get older and they get more mature and they need, you know, decisions and agreements do not need to be static if it's not working for the kids. So any decisions I want you to picture yourself keeping your lens on tight that you are always coming from the eyes from the perspective of your kids what's in the best interest of them until they are grown-ass adults and making their own decisions. And I feel like these tips and more of course can make such a huge difference in a lifetime.

Speaker 1
15:38 - 16:11
There will always be your kids. You will have weddings and graduations and milestone celebrations and even family funerals. And you can either create a very safe experience or you can create a horrible, stressful experience. You can provide a future of animosity and negative energy and stress and avoidance, or you could together create a future that they can always rely on, they can feel safe, they can feel loved, they can feel like your priority.

Speaker 1
16:13 - 16:40
And so with that, I have created a course and I'll drop obviously a link here for you. And the course is all about having difficult conversations with your kids and not even knowing where to start. And one of those conversations is the topic of co-parenting and divorce. And so if you want to start some conversations with your kids about this, you could start off with just to open the doors.

Speaker 1
16:40 - 17:11
You know, sometimes we just don't know where to start and we just want them to know that they're safe to have an honest conversation with us. They don't need to worry about hurting our feelings. They don't need to worry about, you know, getting you mad. If you really want to have these honest conversations with your kids, especially when you're navigating topics like divorce and co-parenting, you could start off with, you know, When I was your age, I had a friend whose parents divorced, or my parents divorced, and I remember how hard it

Speaker 1
17:11 - 17:31
was for them to navigate two homes. I know this is definitely not something you have chosen. We made this choice for you. I think being very open about that might release some pressure on them that you know that they didn't make this choice and you made this for them.

Speaker 1
17:33 - 17:56
And it probably feels very unfair and confusing and you have no options. I'm wondering how you're feeling. I'm wondering how this decision to, for this rule or this move or this weekend or this date might be difficult for you or how it's feeling for you. And it's okay.

Speaker 1
17:56 - 18:26
Whatever your answer is, is okay. I am deeply sorry. And is there anything I can do that makes things easier for you? Another conversation might be, I've been reflecting on our family dynamic lately, and I'm curious, has there been a moment when you felt really supported or a time you felt really frustrated in this process?

Speaker 1
18:27 - 18:42
And And what did that feel like for you? And is there a reason you weren't able to share that with us if you were feeling frustrated and not supported? I really want you to know that you can. I want you to know that I value perspective.

Speaker 1
18:43 - 19:13
I want you to know that we are open to hearing the good and the challenging part of this decision, because this was a choice we made for you. Another conversation might be, I want to enjoy the time we spend together. What's one thing we could do or stop doing that would make our time meal feel more fun or more meaningful? So, you know, as your kids get older and you have, it's one parent in them and they get older and their interest change or their, you know, what they want to do changes.

Speaker 1
19:14 - 19:36
And you don't ask, you just assume, and then you get offended when they don't want to do something with you. or they're just tolerating what you're, you know, presenting to them because they feel bad because they're people pleasers. I'm going to knock that one out of the park. Can you ask them, what is something that we do that you don't really want to do?

Speaker 1
19:36 - 20:05
Or is there something we're not doing you like you'd love to do? And if that means you are going to sit through the worst of the music or the most difficult movie or a horror film or whatever, but if they want to share something they love to do, jump on it. I mean, jump on it. And if they are not, you know, including you in these plans, mom, do you want to see a movie?

Speaker 1
20:05 - 20:24
Dad, do you want to go listen to a concert? If that's not part of the invitation, Can I highly recommend that you be the taxi driver in any way, shape or form to get to these locations or to get to these events? Because when your kids are, you know, in the back seat with their friends, they literally forget that you're there. They don't.

Speaker 1
20:26 - 20:42
You're not important. You're just a taxi driver. So you get a lot of Intel what's happening. in their relationships and their conversations, and it can really give you some insight into who they are and maybe how you could support them more.

Speaker 1
20:42 - 21:27
The course that I have created that I'm speaking about, of course, is how to talk to your teens and you have no idea where to start and the topics of conversation in here are failure and resistance, divorce and co-parenting, vulnerability and trust, sex health and boundaries, disordered eating, confidence and self-worth, Gender norms and identity, social media and self-esteem, bullying, peer pressure, mental health and stress management are all involved in the course. It doesn't mean that you have to be navigating all of these issues. You probably will at some point in time be navigating some of them.

Speaker 1
21:28 - 22:10
And so you could be right in the middle of one of these topics, open up the course and get some conversation, some video in order to help you get that conversation going and keep it going with some success. And you could also be prepared. You could be in the middle of one of these topics of conversations, and you can jump right into the course, get right into that topic, and get the advice, the video, the conversation starters are right inside there. Or you can anticipate that you might be going through some of these topics, some of these issues, or you might love somebody who's going through these topics and conversations with their kids.

Speaker 1
22:10 - 22:32
And so feel free to share the course. I am going to drop that in the show notes in order for you to access. You can always, I will also drop in a call. If you need support with this one-on-one, if you need to get a little more conversation going, you need to know a little more about how I navigated this or how I'm helping families through this, book a call.

Speaker 1
22:33 - 22:54
The booking link is in the show notes. No pressure, no obligation, just book a call and let's have a conversation and see if I can help you and if I can't help you where I can send you to get some support and some resources. I'm so happy to do that. This is your kids are there for life and this is so meaningful.

Speaker 1
22:54 - 23:25
My kids are 36 and 33 and we have, you know, we celebrate our occasions together. Uh, their dad and I, we celebrate Christmas, we celebrate father's day. I mean, it's, and it's so, amazing and magical and to see them feel so comfortable in their own skin and in their own relationships and in the relationship they have with us is it's beyond measure really. I can't even describe how it feels.

Speaker 1
23:26 - 23:42
And so I can help you get there. And I will continue on talking about these conversations that we need to be having with our kids. And in the meantime, thank you for listening to Parenting Team's Advice Redefined. I want you to know how grateful I am that you're here.

Speaker 1
23:43 - 24:01
that parenting is not for the faint of heart. And if you are still listening to podcasts like this and reading the books and reaching out, you're not failing. If you're still trying to just keep trying, just keep trying. You're doing your best and I see you and I hear you and I feel you and I appreciate you.

Speaker 1
24:01 - 24:18
Thanks for listening. See you next time. Thank you for listening to another episode. I just wanted to share something with you because, you know, parenting teens is not just about managing these challenges that we talked about on all the episodes.

Speaker 1
24:18 - 24:45
It's also about evolving alongside them. And I'm Cheryl and not only the host of this podcast, but I'm also the creator of Insight to Impact, coaching and consulting. And I help you moms of teens reconnect with your true selves so you can lead with purpose, you can parent with clarity, you can create stronger, more meaningful relationships with your kids. Because here's the truth.

Speaker 1
24:45 - 24:57
The transformation starts with you. Together, we will break free from the stress and overwhelm. We will rediscover your power. We will create the life and the family dynamic you always dreamed of.

Speaker 1
24:58 - 25:09
If you're ready to start this journey, let's do it. You might just not recognize your life in the next 90 days. It all starts with a call. There's no pitch.

Speaker 1
25:09 - 25:21
There's no pressure, just a call to see if I can help. We'll talk about your goals. We'll talk about what's making you feel stuck and what might be getting in your way. And everything you need to connect with me is in the show notes.

Speaker 1
25:21 - 25:35
Again, I'm Cheryl. Thank you so much for joining me here on Parenting Teens, advice redefined for today's complex world and the creator of Insight to Impact Coaching and Consulting. Have a great day.