#110 "Missing texts or Missing Your Nervous System"

 #ParentingTeens #EmotionalRegulation #WTFPodcast 

When Silence Speaks: Managing Emotional Triggers in Parenting

Welcome back to WTF, where we redefine what it means to parent teens in today's world. In this episode, we dive into the emotional whirlwind that can arise from something as simple as a missed text from your child. Join us as we explore the power of self-reflection and emotional regulation in parenting. Discover practical strategies to calm your nervous system, shift your perspective, and break generational cycles. Remember, it's not about them—it's about you and the power you hold to create a more peaceful parenting experience. Tune in for insights, humor, and a reminder that you're not alone on this journey.

wtf missing text nervous system.mp4
Transcript generated by Transcript LOL
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Speaker 1
00:03 - 00:23
Welcome back to WTF. Welcome to Friday or what's up. Depending on your mood today and how things are going, you get to pick what WTF means to you. This series is a spinoff from Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for Today's World.

Speaker 1
00:24 - 00:56
And it's just my little riff on Fridays to connect with you about whatever's going on in my world, whatever happens to pop into my field when we're talking about parenting teens, or just whatever's happening for the day. And I am so grateful that you're here to listen. I want to encourage you, if you are listening to this, then could you download it? Could you share it with somebody who loves a teen, cares about a teen, teaches a teen?

Speaker 1
00:57 - 01:40
Or if you're watching this on YouTube, I would love it if you would subscribe to the YouTube channel so you never ever miss one of these fun and entertaining episodes. They're entertaining for me anyway because I just have way too much fun doing this. So when I talk about my podcast, when I'm on the podcast, I very often will say to parents, It's not them, it's you and what the fuck do I mean by that? So let's just say this morning I had a moment and by a moment, I mean I went on full on emotional crime scene over a missed text.

Speaker 1
01:41 - 01:59
Not from a romantic partner, not from a boss, but from my kid. In my case, grown-ass adult, but it's all the same. Your kid is your kid is your kid, right? I said, hey, is everything okay?

Speaker 1
02:00 - 02:26
And I got nothing. 20 minutes later, nada. 40 minutes later, frigging cricket. An hour later, I am convinced they've either been abducted, joined a cult, or worse, they're ignoring me on purpose because I'm the worst mother ever.

Speaker 1
02:27 - 02:48
My nervous system, not calm, not grounded, and definitely not Zen. It was like the calm left the chat and the chaos started DJing my thoughts. And I wish I could tell you I handled it with grace. I did not.

Speaker 1
02:49 - 03:14
I went into what I lovingly refer to as code red parent mode. Panic, control, hyper alert, and over-functioning. And then I heard that whisper, you know the one. quiet but clarifying voice that says, Cheryl, it's not them, it's you.

Speaker 1
03:16 - 03:41
And listen, when I say that, I don't mean it in a guilt trippy, mom shaming, you should know better kind of way. I mean it in the most liberating way, because here is what I know. When we react intensely to our kids, it's usually not about the moment. It's about the meaning we attach to the moment.

Speaker 1
03:42 - 03:54
No text back? Sure, it happens. But my spiral was my own creation. Because suddenly, that lack of response became, I'm not important.

Speaker 1
03:55 - 04:06
They don't respect me. I failed as a parent. I'm not safe unless I know they're okay. Does that sound vaguely familiar?

Speaker 1
04:07 - 04:39
What was actually happening? Maybe they're in class, maybe they're at work, maybe their phone's on silent or maybe, just maybe, they didn't feel like responding right away because they're kids and that is a developmental normality. And to be fair, I don't always respond to messages immediately. I don't even answer my phone if A, I'm not in the mood or B, I don't recognize the number.

Speaker 1
04:39 - 05:04
Many times, someone has sat next to me when my phone's ringing and I just shut it off immediately and they're like, why don't you answer it? Oh because I'm sitting in a restaurant or because I'm walking through a store because I'm sitting with you or because I don't recognize a number which usually means somebody's going to sell me some insurance on my bank account or a better cell phone service and am I interested in that right now? No.

Speaker 1
05:07 - 05:24
Well, I admittedly do carry my device with me and I pay way too much attention to it. I also cling very tightly to the fact I do not need to be accessible 24-7. That's why there's voicemail. We have a family even have a signal.

Speaker 1
05:24 - 05:41
My mom and my kids and I, if we call each other and there's no answer and we don't leave a message, we just call back right away. This signals, I need you now. It's a 911. So here's your nervous system truth, mom.

Speaker 1
05:42 - 05:49
What was actually happening for me? Really? My nervous system was activated. I wasn't grounded in the moment.

Speaker 1
05:50 - 06:09
I was pulled into a past version of me who maybe felt ignored, invisible, unworthy. That was my story. And when your nervous system is dysregulated, your thoughts are no longer rational. You're not responding to what's in front of you.

Speaker 1
06:09 - 06:28
You're responding to old data from the past. So in that moment, here's a few strategies, first of all, that you can deal with in the heat of the what the moment. First, name it. Can you say to yourself, okay, I'm activated.

Speaker 1
06:28 - 06:44
This is not about the text. This is about how I feel in this moment. And this little phrase creates space between the trigger and your response. And it lets your brain shift from reaction mode to reflection mode.

Speaker 1
06:45 - 07:02
You can use the cold water reset. This sounds ridiculous, but it works like magic. Splash ice cold water on your face or hold an ice cube in the palm of your hand. This will shock your vagus nerve system and bring you right back to the present moment.

Speaker 1
07:03 - 07:16
Strategy number three, try this. Breathe in for four. Hold for four. Exhale for six.

Speaker 1
07:17 - 07:34
And then say to yourself, I am safe in this moment. My kid's behavior does not define my worth. I can hold this without falling apart. Yes, say it, even if you don't believe it, your body will listen.

Speaker 1
07:36 - 07:55
There's a self-talk strategy where you rewrite the internal narrative. Here's the internal dialogue I now try to use on purpose when I catch myself spiraling. My teen is allowed to have space. It doesn't mean I'm being rejected.

Speaker 1
07:56 - 08:09
I can feel discomfort without needing to fix it immediately. I'm safe. I'm calm. I can trust them and I trust myself.

Speaker 1
08:11 - 08:34
Self-talking about pretending that everything is okay. Self-talk is more the new language you're giving your nervous system to calibrate differently than it used to. And it might take a few conversations with yourself for your body to start to believe it. Just keep trying.

Speaker 1
08:35 - 08:51
That's why I always say, and so lovingly, it's not them, it's you. Not because you're doing it wrong, but because you are the one with the power. You have the power to pause. You have the power to reflect.

Speaker 1
08:51 - 09:43
You have the power to shift your lens and the power to break the generational cycles where silence equaled threatened distance, equaled danger. We essentially are the first generation of parents even attempting to emotionally regulate while raising kids who have more input from screens and culture than we ever dreamed of. Parenting now is brave and it's hard and attempting to emotionally regulate yourself while parenting matters. So the next time you are tempted to jump to conclusions over that last unanswered text or the shut bedroom door, take a breath, ask yourself, what does this mean to me?

Speaker 1
09:44 - 09:55
And what am I making it mean? Then ask yourself, what else could be true here? You're not broken for reacting. You're beautifully human.

Speaker 1
09:56 - 10:16
And every moment like this is an opportunity to heal something inside you, not just fix about them. So yes, this episode was inspired by one missing text. and it turned into a full-blown nervous system rescue mission. But that's the work, isn't it?

Speaker 1
10:17 - 10:56
Parenting isn't just about managing behavior. It's about meeting our own edges over and over with more grace and more honesty and more humor. So the next time you're tempted to text again, just to make sure, pause, breathe, and tell yourself, I'm safe, I'm grounded, and they are not in a cult. Thank you for tuning in to WTF, where teens flourish and parents face themselves.

Speaker 1
10:57 - 11:19
And next time we're diving into, what the fuck is a nice mom? And why is she so tired? And until then, hydrate, breathe, trust the process. If you're listening to this again, please hit share, download, and if you're watching on YouTube, hit the subscribe button and you'll never ever miss an episode again.

Speaker 1
11:20 - 11:34
You never know which episode is going to change your life or change someone's life that you love. Thank you again for listening. Happy Friday. Have a wonderful weekend and we will see you next week.