# 111 "10 Step Parent Guide to Setting Phone Boundaries for Teens"

 #ParentingTeens #DigitalParenting #TeenPhoneBoundaries

Welcome to another insightful episode of "Parenting Teens: Advice Redefined for Today's World." In this episode, we dive into one of the most significant parenting moments of our generation: giving your child their first phone. We explore the challenges and responsibilities that come with this decision and provide practical tips on setting healthy phone boundaries. Discover how to teach your teens that their attention, presence, and peace matter more than instant replies. Join us as we redefine parenting in the digital age and empower you to create meaningful connections with your teens.

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Speaker 1
00:01 - 00:18
Welcome to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for Today's World. I am so grateful that you're here knowing that you could be doing pretty much anything else or knew you're doing anything else and listening either way. Glad you're here. Grateful for you listening.

Speaker 1
00:19 - 00:42
So what were we thinking when we gave them phones? why we handed those smartphones like they'd magically become a digital boundary-setting rock star overnight. I want to talk about one of the biggest parenting moments of our generation, giving our kid their first phone. We probably thought, this will be good.

Speaker 1
00:42 - 01:18
We'll be able to check in, they'll be safe, they'll be responsible, you know, connected. But somehow it turned into this whole other thing. Suddenly they are on call 24 seven, snapping and scrolling and group chatting and Googling random stuff we're scared to ask about. All the while we're left wondering how did a device meant to keep them safe end up making them more anxious, overstimulated and kind of unavailable.

Speaker 1
01:19 - 01:49
And if we're really honest with ourselves, we gave them that phone without fully understanding the world, we were actually handing them. So today, we're going to break it down. Let's talk about what it means to hand your kid a phone, how to set boundaries that make sense, and how to teach them that their attention and their presence and their peace matters more than instant replies. And let me just do a full disclosure claim here.

Speaker 1
01:49 - 02:16
I truly don't believe a kid needs a phone until maybe high school, grade nine, 14, 13. And in that case, texting and calling capability, and that's it. I don't think any kid is ready for internet, social media, TikTok, all of those. Handles and platforms.

Speaker 1
02:16 - 02:59
I don't think our kids are ready for that until at least 16 until we've had 16 years to instill our values their self-worth and Even then you will know by decisions. They're making with their friends if they're actually ready to manage the social media the filters the comparison all of the things that come with it, so that's what I'm saying is of my full disclosure, my opinion about phones for kids. So here is what I've seen over and over, both in my work with parents and in real life. We unintentionally teach our kids that if they have a phone, they need to be available all the time.

Speaker 1
03:00 - 03:24
that if someone messages them, they should respond right away, that being accessible equals being a good friend or a respectful kid. That's just not true. This type of mindset creates burnout, it creates constant pressure, and it wires their nervous system to stay on high alert. And when you're always on high alert, it's hard to just be.

Speaker 1
03:25 - 03:46
So let me give you 10 practical tips to set healthy phone expectations. Number one, start with the conversation and not the phone. Before the device ever hits their hand, sit down and talk. Ask questions like, what do you think a phone is for?

Speaker 1
03:48 - 04:11
How will you know when it's time to unplug? What will you do when someone messages you nonstop? or a friend shames you for not responding immediately, or if someone asks you to take pics with your phone. Their answers will determine whether the phone is going in their hand or not, or if more work needs to be done, more conversations need to be had.

Speaker 1
04:12 - 04:29
Normalize the idea that the phone is a tool. It is not a lifeline. Number two, make a family tech agreement. Nothing complicated, just a shared understanding, clear expectations.

Speaker 1
04:29 - 04:44
What time the phone goes away, where the phones live at night, what happens when boundaries are not followed. Put it in writing. This gives you something to return to without just turning into this ranting bad guy. You have it in writing.

Speaker 1
04:46 - 05:05
And that has clear, clear expectations. And when you put these expectations in writing, ask them, can you meet these expectations? Is there anything hard about any of this? Because if there is, again, the phone might not land in their hand or there's more conversations to be had.

Speaker 1
05:05 - 05:24
Number three, talk about availability pressure. Let them know it's okay not to respond right away. In fact, it's healthy. You can literally say, just because someone can reach you doesn't mean they get full-time access to you.

Speaker 1
05:25 - 05:44
This is a boundary for others, but if you expect a response to make sure they are safe, that is putting your clear expectation. But here's a little caveat for those of you who are texting their kids while they're in school, please stop. Cease and desist. They are in class.

Speaker 1
05:45 - 05:56
They are in school. If they are not in school, the school will call you. And if you have an emergency, the school has a landline. I swear they do.

Speaker 1
05:56 - 06:15
Please stop texting your kids when they're in class. And here's a tip. Number four, introduce, do not disturb early in the game. make it normal, show them how to use it, and create pockets in the day where everyone's phone is on silent, especially yours.

Speaker 1
06:16 - 06:37
Number five, no phones in the bedroom at night. This is a hard no. Phones in the bedroom are a recipe for sleep deprivation, drama, and doom scrolling. You need rest, They need rest, and boundaries protect everyone's peace.

Speaker 1
06:38 - 07:02
Teach them assertive responses. Give them scripts like, hey, I'm not on my phone much at night, or I'll check this later when I have time, or hey, if you text me, I don't respond right away, just a heads up. Help them practice setting these tech boundaries without guilt. Number seven, check in without shaming.

Speaker 1
07:02 - 07:13
Keep your communication open. Ask, what's feeling good about your phone use? Has anything felt overwhelming? It's not about catching them doing something wrong.

Speaker 1
07:13 - 07:27
It's about helping them notice. But part of your expectations, part of your agreement is going to be, listen, I can take your phone at any point in time. I will read your text messages. I will look at your social media platform.

Speaker 1
07:28 - 07:33
I will see your Snapchats. I will see your Google history. Act. accordingly.

Speaker 1
07:36 - 08:08
If they know you're going to do it at any point in time without warning, they will act accordingly. And if the one time you say, okay, time for me to check your phone and they resist, that's definitely time to not only check their phone, but maybe it's time to put the phone away. until they are able to manage technology with values and boundaries. Make tech free time normal, not a punishment.

Speaker 1
08:09 - 08:25
Have dinner without the phone. Go for a walk, play cards, just be bored together. Let the phone break be a gift, not a consequence. Number nine, model taking space.

Speaker 1
08:25 - 08:32
Let them see you put your phone down. Say it out loud. I need a break from my phone. I'm getting overstimulated.

Speaker 1
08:32 - 08:49
I got caught in the doom scroll. This teaches them emotional literacy and self-regulation. And listen, I'm big on this one. My phone can ring and ring and ring and I will not answer it or I'll just put it on silent or just turn it off at the first ring.

Speaker 1
08:50 - 09:16
If number one, I don't feel like answering it or number two, I don't recognize the number or I'm at dinner with my family. You can see right away that you are not, you know, stressed out or anxious about it. You're just leaving it alone and there's nothing wrong with that. And you can even say, well, I'm not accessible 24 seven.

Speaker 1
09:16 - 09:29
Number 10. This is a phone cleanup on Sunday. Once a week, take 10 minutes all together and go over, delete unused apps. Unfollow accounts that are draining you.

Speaker 1
09:30 - 09:39
Check the screen time stats without shame. It's a self-care practice. It's like tidying your digital house. Do as I say.

Speaker 1
09:41 - 09:49
Not as I do. You've heard that before. But our kids are watching. And here's how we can make our habits part of the conversation.

Speaker 1
09:50 - 10:00
Leave your phone behind. When you go outside, leave it behind. When you're eating with them, put it away. You don't need to say anything.

Speaker 1
10:01 - 10:09
They will notice. Talk about what you're choosing. Yeah, I'm taking a break from group texts. I need space.

Speaker 1
10:09 - 10:19
My phone's blowing up. It's just overwhelming me right now. Or I turned off my notifications. I'll check when I'm ready.

Speaker 1
10:19 - 10:30
Show them it's normal to protect your own peace. and own it when you slip up. Oh, I got sucked into scrolling. I am putting it away now.

Speaker 1
10:30 - 10:42
No shame, just honesty. That's what teaches resilience. You can ask for connection without the screen. Can you just say, let's chat for 10 minutes?

Speaker 1
10:42 - 10:57
No phones, just us. Not every time, but often enough that they start to crave it too. And let silence be a safe space. Don't reach for your phone every time it's quiet.

Speaker 1
10:57 - 11:04
Let it breathe. Let them see that quiet isn't awkward. It's sacred. And caution.

Speaker 1
11:04 - 11:21
I do this all the time. As soon as I'm in line at the grocery store, my phone comes out. I'm waiting in a doctor's office for an appointment, my phone comes out. I walk into an elevator, and instead of making eye contact with the human beings who are six inches away from me, my phone comes out.

Speaker 1
11:22 - 11:58
Can we normalize keeping our phone away and not needing it to fill every single moment? Maybe if we look up, we make eye contact with someone who needs a smile, or we see somebody who needs a little help carrying their bags, or we're able to grab a kid off the street before a car comes. Who knows what you can do when you're not staring down at your phone? I wanna say this clearly, if you're now in the throes of a shitstorm with the phone at home, you didn't mess up by giving your kid a phone.

Speaker 1
11:59 - 12:21
You aren't naive, you just didn't know how much came with the phone and neither did they. But it's not too late to reset. Phones are tools and we can teach our kids how to use them with intention. We can remind them that their worth isn't measured by how fast they reply.

Speaker 1
12:21 - 12:36
That being present in real life is more powerful than always being plugged in. That peace matters more than popularity. And that boundaries are not rude. They're a form of self-respect.

Speaker 1
12:37 - 13:05
So the next time you feel guilty about screen time, or you see your kid unravel after a group chat blow up, or you find yourself checking your phone for no reason, pause, take a breath, come back. Remember, we are raising humans in a digital world that never sleeps, but we get to choose rest. We get to choose boundaries. We get to choose connection.

Speaker 1
13:06 - 13:26
And we get to choose to parent with our values. Thank you for spending time with me when I know you could be doing a million other things. Please don't forget to share, download, and subscribe to the YouTube channel so you do not miss an episode. I'd love to have you join the exclusive Facebook group, The Sanctuary for Parenting Teens.

Speaker 1
13:26 - 13:38
There's a link in the show notes. Until then, power down. when you can and keep showing up for your kids and for yourself. Thank you for listening.

Speaker 1
13:38 - 13:49
Parenting Teens Advice Redefined. We'll see you next time. Thanks for being here. Thank you for listening to another episode.

Speaker 1
13:49 - 14:23
I just wanted to share something with you because, you know, parenting teens is not just about managing these challenges that we talked about on all the episodes. It's also about evolving alongside them. And I'm Cheryl, and not only the host of this podcast, but I'm also the creator of Insight to Impact, coaching and consulting. And I help you moms of teens reconnect with your true selves, so you can lead with purpose, you can parent with clarity, you can create stronger, more meaningful relationships with your kids.

Speaker 1
14:24 - 14:33
Because here's the truth. The transformation starts with you. Together, we will break free from the stress and overwhelm. We will rediscover your power.

Speaker 1
14:33 - 14:48
We will create the life and the family dynamic you always dreamed of. If you're ready to start this journey, let's do it. You might just not recognize your life in the next 90 days. It all starts with a call.

Speaker 1
14:48 - 14:57
There's no pitch. There's no pressure, just a call to see if I can help. We'll talk about your goals. We'll talk about what's making you feel stuck and what might be getting in your way.

Speaker 1
14:58 - 15:15
And everything you need to connect with me is in the show notes. Again, I'm Cheryl. Thank you so much for joining me here on Parenting Teens, advice redefined for today's complex world and the creator of Insight to Impact Coaching and Consulting. Have a great day.