# 112 "It's Not Them, It's You: And that's the best news you've heard all day!"

 Reclaiming Parenthood: It's Not Them, It's You

 Welcome to another episode of "Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for Today's World." In this uncut, unedited, and unfiltered episode of our spinoff series, WTF? (Welcome to Friday), we dive deep into the heart of modern parenting. Join me as I share my personal journey from feeling lost and disconnected to reclaiming my parenthood and myself. Discover how to navigate the challenges of parenting teens in a world filled with cultural noise and expectations. Learn why it's not about changing your teen, but about rediscovering who you are as a parent. This episode is a call to action for parents to embrace their values, model leadership, and connect with their teens on a deeper level. Tune in for insights, empowerment, and a reminder that you're not alone on this journey. #ParentingTeens #ModernParenting #ParentingAdvice #TeenConnection #ParentingJourney #ParentingPodcast #ParentingWithValues

WTF- parent with your values.mp4
Transcript generated by Transcript LOL
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Speaker 1
00:02 - 00:27
Welcome to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for today's world. And this is our spinoff series, WTF? Welcome to Friday or what the, depending on how your week has gone, you can pick. This is the series that is uncut, unedited and unfiltered.

Speaker 1
00:27 - 00:36
And so you can rest assured that I will screw something up. but I want to thank you for being here. This is just the joy of my life. I love doing this podcast.

Speaker 1
00:36 - 01:03
I love hearing back from you. I love getting feedback and I'm having actually so much fun in the YouTube channel, which is something about six months old, but man, I'm having such a good time in the YouTube channel. So if you want to watch this instead of just listening to it, I invite you to jump over to Cheryl Pankhurst on the YouTube channel and subscribe so that you don't miss any of these fun episodes. Now, thank you for listening.

Speaker 1
01:03 - 01:12
Thank you for being here. I truly appreciate you. And today's episode is, it is not them. It's you.

Speaker 1
01:13 - 01:45
But today we get to reclaim our parenthood and at the same time reclaim ourselves. I remember sitting on the floor of my closet one night many years ago, The door closed, lights off, my back kind of pressed against all the high heel shoes I never wore again. And I just whispered to myself, I don't know how to reach them anymore. And it wasn't the first time I had said that to myself.

Speaker 1
01:46 - 02:16
There were many nights going to bed, turning off the lights and thinking, All I did was give them shit. All I did was get mad. All I did was try to knock on the door and have a conversation, dropping them off at school and we're late and we didn't get our homework done and lunches weren't packed. And it just felt a whole, I felt so terrible dropping them off at school feeling like this was like the worst drive ever.

Speaker 1
02:16 - 02:35
And now I'm telling them to start their day, ending it with me slamming the door in the car and just I just was so lost on how to reach them. I'm a mom. I'm a former special education teacher. Now I'm a coach and an advocate for parents.

Speaker 1
02:35 - 02:51
But that night, I wasn't any of those things. I was just lost. And I was grieving the connection I always thought I would have with my teenagers. The connection I used to have with them when they were little.

Speaker 1
02:52 - 03:13
I was parenting with one hand on Google and the other hand on guilt. I was parenting from pressure. I was not parenting from presence. And what I've learned through hundreds of conversations with parents and teens through the podcast, through the coaching is this, it's not them, it's you.

Speaker 1
03:15 - 03:35
And not in a shameful, accusatory way, but in a liberating, empowering, you hold the key kind of way. We get this illusion of control. And how many times have I said, we can't parent the way we were parented. We have to really drop those eyes.

Speaker 1
03:35 - 03:43
Things are so different. We never had the input our kids had. We never had the internet. We didn't have the phones.

Speaker 1
03:43 - 04:04
We didn't have 24-7 access. And we didn't go through some of the trying times we've gone through in the past few years. But somewhere along the way, this modern parenting turned into like project management. We get handed these babies, we get handed books, and then come the Pinterest boards and the Instagram reels.

Speaker 1
04:05 - 04:19
We're told, fix the behavior, manage those emotions, control the outcome. But our teens are not projects. They are people becoming. And here's the truth.

Speaker 1
04:19 - 04:38
I tell parents I work with all the time, you cannot control your teen. It is not your job. And if we control our teens, they will learn to be controlled. So what happens in their future?

Speaker 1
04:39 - 04:56
Maybe a boss tries to control them. Maybe a potential spouse gets controlling. Maybe friends get controlling. But if they have been taught not to be controlled, but to be guided, That is a whole different game.

Speaker 1
04:57 - 05:20
Your job is to model, not manage them. Your job is to stay in your values and not stay in their moods. Your job is to lead, not chase. And yet so many of us, including me, chased approval, chased peace, chased validation.

Speaker 1
05:20 - 05:47
We're so afraid of being shut out that we shut ourselves down. And what does that mean? We shut down that inner voice that tells us, oh, that's not actually a decision I wanted to make. That is not a freedom I wanted to give them that is not you know a yes when it should have been a no but we shut that part of us down because we are so chasing everything else that we don't need to chase.

Speaker 1
05:48 - 06:13
We are in a culture of co-parenting and it's the truth most parenting books don't talk about. You are not raising your kids alone, you are co-parenting with culture. Culture tells your teen that likes equals worth. Culture tells you that a successful teen is a busy, accomplished, compliant one.

Speaker 1
06:13 - 06:49
Culture says you should be able to do it all lawlessly and still show up on time for work, get to the parent meetings and have a wine night with your friends every once in a while. No wonder we are all exhausted. And I feel in my bones when I read posts often in parenting Facebook groups, including my own, Parenting Teens, a sanctuary for parents. I love this and I love all the groups where the conversations are raw and the real and it's a place for a struggling, isolated parent.

Speaker 1
06:49 - 07:17
They can feel connection and share their challenges. But I also see in there questions about opinions on curfews and driving and sleepovers and sex. And I'm thinking, are we just sharing our challenges or are we now asking for other parents' values? There is a fine line.

Speaker 1
07:18 - 07:52
If you ask about your 17-year-old and what are the thoughts on sleepovers, you will get a myriad of answers. And you can take them into consideration. But if you choose one answer you've read and immediately you feel your body restrict or your heart starts racing in panic mode, That means it goes against your values. If it doesn't feel good in your body, it is a signal to cease and desist.

Speaker 1
07:53 - 08:30
Get quiet. Ask yourself, What feels right? When you take a stance in your values and you get pushback from your kid, it's so much easier to stand firm and your kids will feel it and your kids will respect it eventually anyway. But here's the catch, when we don't recognize culture as a co-parent, we are trying to fix our teams instead of fighting the real enemy, the disconnection, the distraction, the disembodiment.

Speaker 1
08:30 - 09:00
And when I say by disembodiment, I mean we are now becoming a parent that makes decisions based on what they see on Facebook or based on what their friends are doing or based on things that don't matter, people that don't matter that shouldn't have any value in your opinion. Even phones, I always say do not hand your kid a phone until you have handed them your values. Technology is a tool.

Speaker 1
09:01 - 09:26
Culture is a noise machine, but your values are your compass. And if you make a decision based on your values, not only is it easier to stand firm, It no longer even becomes an argument. It is, nope, this doesn't sit well with me. This is not a choice I'm going to let you make here.

Speaker 1
09:26 - 10:07
And this is how I'm going to parent with my values, period. But if you are making decisions based on someone else's values, you are flip-flopping, and you're arguing, and you're trying to reason, but you can't really reason why. And eventually, when we are parenting like that, I bet you 90% of the time we give in because we don't have a firm stance in our body about this is who we are as a parent. Here's what I think most teens are trying to say when they roll their eyes and shut their doors or ghost you at the dinner table.

Speaker 1
10:08 - 10:33
I think they're saying, don't fix me, just hear me. Don't chase me, just see me. Don't lecture me, just lead me. What if we actually stopped interpreting their pullback as rejection and started seeing it as an invitation, not a step away, but step in.

Speaker 1
10:34 - 10:50
This is what I mean when I tell moms, you don't need another strategy. You need a new stance. So instead of how do I get my team to change? Ask what in this moment is revealing about me.

Speaker 1
10:50 - 11:09
In this argument, in this trigger, what is it revealing about me? Your triggers are invitations. Your disconnection is a mirror and your overwhelm is not a failure. It is your call to come back home to yourself as a parent.

Speaker 1
11:12 - 11:30
If you have been stuck in the what I call parent panic loop, you're trying to do more, you're trying to fix more, you're trying to prove more, you may even be spending more. I want you to hear this. You're not broken. You're not failing.

Speaker 1
11:30 - 11:47
You're just buried. You're buried under expectations, buried under outdated scripts, buried under the fear of getting it wrong. But here's the truth, you don't need to change who you are. You need to remember who you are.

Speaker 1
11:48 - 12:17
That's what this journey is about. It's not about your team becoming someone different. It's about you becoming who you've always been. And when you get to that point, you know, you have an energy, you have a stance, you just have a a strength, a quiet strength that comes with values and parenting with how you know you want to parent.

Speaker 1
12:18 - 12:47
Insight creates impact and the greatest insight I can offer any parent I work with is the way back to them starts with the way back to you. The closet floor was a turning point and not because I figured it all out. I sure as heck did not figure it all out, but I did get still enough to hear something different. I had mentors.

Speaker 1
12:48 - 13:03
I read books. I listened to other podcasts until I really started resonating with this message about my own values. I heard the truth underneath that fear. The disconnection isn't permanent.

Speaker 1
13:04 - 13:12
It's a pause. It's an invitation, and it's never too late. So I stood up. I got support.

Speaker 1
13:13 - 13:43
I did the inner work, more inner work, and I continued to do the inner work, and I changed. Not because I was broken either, but because I was becoming. I watch parent after parent now do the same thing. So if you're here today and you're feeling like you've lost them or maybe you've lost a little of yourself, let me say this, you can come back to them, to your values, to yourself.

Speaker 1
13:44 - 14:01
It's not them, it's you and that's the best news you will hear all day. Thank you for listening. I invite you to connect with me if you have any questions or see if I can help you in any way. There's a link in the show notes for a complimentary call with me.

Speaker 1
14:02 - 14:27
as well as links to the podcast and my YouTube channel and my website that holds free resources for you to just get started on the journey. I would be so grateful if you download, subscribe to the channel and shared. You never know who needs to hear these messages at just the right time and you could be the one who helped. Parents of teens unite.

Speaker 1
14:27 - 14:33
We've got this. Take a deep breath. Give yourself grace and parent on. Have a wonderful weekend.

Speaker 1
14:33 - 14:37
Happy Friday. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next week.