~120 “Step‑Parenting Teens: How to Avoid the ‘Family‑War’ Trap” with Richard R Ramos

#TeenageParenting #CoParenting #StepParenting #BlendedFamilies

When love brings two families together, the road can feel like a minefield—especially when teens are in the mix. Cheryl sits down with step‑parenting veteran Richard Ramis to unpack the hidden dynamics of blended families, share hard‑won lessons from his own 23‑year marriage, and reveal the core tools from his new book The Art of Step‑Parenting.

💡 What you’ll learn:

1. Why “marrying a tribe” matters – the hidden costs of overlooking in‑laws, ex‑spouses, and existing sibling bonds.
2. How to start the conversation with your partner, kids, and especially teenagers—without trying to “convince” them.
3. Attachment takes time – the science behind secure attachment and why a single caring adult can change a child’s trajectory.
4. Finding your step‑parent voice—disciplinary boundaries, emotional maturity, and avoiding the “triangle” trap.
5. Silence vs. Secrets – tackling unspoken trauma (including domestic violence) before it sabotages your new family.
6. Grief, widows, and ex‑spouses – unique challenges when a partner has passed away versus a divorce.
7. Step‑sibling rivalry – practical strategies for keeping peace without taking sides.

🛎️ Ready for a healthier blended family? Grab Richard’s book, explore the resources below, and take the first step toward lasting connection.

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Speaker 1
00:01 - 00:38
Welcome to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice, redefined for today's world, the podcast that helps parents of teens find connection, clarity, and confidence. I am Cheryl Pankhurst, a parenting coach and advocate who believes that it's not about changing our kids, it's about transforming the way we show up for them. Together, we will explore real tools, heartfelt stories you can parent with purpose, stay aligned with your values, build and rebuild trust, even in the toughest teen years. And today I am honored to welcome my returning guest, Richard R.

Speaker 1
00:38 - 01:20
Ramis, a man whose journey from surviving gangs, drugs, and violence to becoming a nationally recognized leader in youth violence prevention is nothing short of inspiring. Richard is the author of From the Margins to the Mainstream and Parents on a Mission, powerful books that help parents with the competition for their children's arts, minds, and loyalty. He's also the founder of the groundbreaking Parents on a Mission and Youth on a Mission programs where they are transforming families and communities across the country. And now the release of his latest book, the art of step parenting, how to blend families without tearing them apart.

Speaker 1
01:20 - 01:32
Richard is bringing hope and practical tools to step parents and blended families everywhere. Welcome Richard. It is such a privilege to have you back with me. It's nice to see you again, Cheryl.

Speaker 1
01:32 - 01:51
Thanks for having me again. I, okay. And this is great because I want to know, I mean, I've done podcast after podcast about co-parenting, but I never really dove into the step parenting. And I think this is such an important topic.

Speaker 1
01:52 - 02:21
And I think, you know, there are lines that are crossed that don't need to be crossed and roles that I think sometimes are overstepped and maybe understepped in these relationships. And so I would love to know first from you, why the book? Well, I've been a stepparent all my parenting life, Cheryl, and from day one. And my stepson is now 50 years old.

Speaker 1
02:22 - 02:34
So I've raised him. He's a tremendous young man. And so I'm happy to celebrate that. But also I learned a lot of things along the way, a lot of mistakes that I made.

Speaker 1
02:35 - 03:03
Um, unfortunately, um, I have four other children and unfortunately the mother of my children passed away many years ago. Um, so I have single parent, uh, experience as well, but currently now, um, my wife and I, we've been married for 23 years and we now have a blended family of eight children. They're all adults. We have 11 grandchildren and four great-grandchildren.

Speaker 1
03:03 - 03:24
But why the book is because I just wanted, number one, I just feel there's a real need to speak maybe in some unconventional ways to this issue. And also, I just wanted to add my voice. I know there's other books out there. When I did my research, there's a lot of books out there.

Speaker 1
03:25 - 04:02
So I just wanted to add my voice and my perspective And third, over my career of doing Parents on a Mission and working with all the families, most of them have these issues. They're divorced parents, single parents, blended families for the second or third time, things like that. And so it's a very, I'm calling it normal, the norm now in America. I think one of the statistics was that one in three, I forget if it was one in three Americans or one in three children in America, will be part of either a step family or a blended family.

Speaker 1
04:03 - 04:13
So I just, I felt it was important to talk about it. I love that. And I mean, there's lots of podcasts out there too. And, you know, so I understand what you're saying.

Speaker 1
04:14 - 04:40
Like it's, there's always a different, I think people hear things differently from different voices or different, you know, perspectives and the more information and the more awareness that's out there from everybody, I think is, is so important because this is, you know, this could make or break. That's right. Totally make or break. And, So I want to ask you first when because I almost want to go linear for a second.

Speaker 1
04:41 - 05:25
So If you have this relate you're in a intimate relationship two parents and or one parent one not a parent, I guess and you are deeply in love and really want to Lend your family What would be your first steps to think about, to talk about, to take before it even becomes something? Well, and that's what being a human being is so challenging because our emotions are powerful. you know, let's face it, they're just, you know, they drive a lot of our decisions.

Speaker 1
05:25 - 05:50
And that's why emotional maturity, and these teachings, you know, on emotional intelligence are so important to recognize, how do we make choices? Because those choices, you know, affect not only ourselves, but a lot of other people. And in this case, it would be affecting the children. But, you know, when you'd like, as you mentioned, being in love, in love, you know, that emotion.

Speaker 1
05:50 - 06:01
I know for me, it drove me to make a decision of instant family. You know, what did I know about being a dad? Nothing. I was 20 something years, 23 years old or something like that.

Speaker 1
06:01 - 06:45
And, and she had a child. So I think now looking back, of course, I think if I would have waited a little bit more and and thought about, you know, hey, you know, the in-laws, the ex-spouse, I really wasn't thinking about any of that. I just was in love, you know, and so to you, to me, that justifies it all, you know, but it doesn't because now this child's involved in the relationship. So I think, yes, it's easy for me to say now, think about it, you know, really count the cost and, take a step back and think about it's not you're, you are not just marrying this other person.

Speaker 1
06:45 - 07:09
You're marrying a whole tribe of people. And that's true in any marriage, but this is a little different in that it's not just her mom and dad and brothers and sisters. It's the in-laws that are tied to that child who want to be in their life, let alone the spouse. And let alone if that was a, toxic divorce and then there's anger.

Speaker 1
07:09 - 07:16
And now all of a sudden you got to deal with that. And are you ready for that? Do you want that? And it's lifelong.

Speaker 1
07:16 - 07:37
It's not like it does change, but you know, so yeah, those are things that I would encourage, but I also understand sometimes people are just go with the emotion. Oh, it'll all work out. It doesn't always all work out. And you know, I, and I'll, be like completely honest here.

Speaker 1
07:38 - 08:00
I, after my marriage ended, I jumped into a relationship pretty quickly and I had two kids and he had a daughter and I was like that. Oh, I, I'm going to be happy. They're going to be happy. They're going to see what a good relationship is like and everything's going to be, Oh my God, listen.

Speaker 1
08:01 - 08:27
Nope, nope. And no, I wish I had heard this podcast. 25 years ago because and you know it was there was so much retraction happening you know where I thought the kids were fine and they were not happy being in this house and they were not happy with the move and it was very quick for that was very and I was in love, but it was incredibly insensitive of me.

Speaker 1
08:28 - 08:41
And if I could go back, Richard, I would go back and do things very, very differently. So that's really the point of this too. We don't just have podcasts because everybody did something right. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1
08:42 - 08:57
We're doing this because here's the path I took. Let me help you miss the landmines a little bit. Because it's, you know, like you said, it's not just you and her or you and him or him and him, whatever. There are these people we brought into the world.

Speaker 1
08:58 - 09:23
And I think to remember that when we have kids, it's almost this invisible contractor promise, like we're just going to be this happy family forever. And then, you know, things fall apart as they do. And now, maybe it's great for us to be away from that relationship and out of that marriage, but they'll never agree with that. That's right.

Speaker 1
09:23 - 10:02
And so now you're going, here you go. So, Let's talk about how we start these conversations then, even with each other, with the kids, and look even, you know, teenage, like I think it's different conversations when you've got five, six and seven year olds, but how about teenagers? Well, yeah, when the kids are little, it's much easier for them to both adapt to you and to the situation and everything, because they don't understand what's going on. Of course, later on, what's going to matter later on is what you did in between the time you started and the time they get to the point where they start to really get it.

Speaker 1
10:03 - 10:56
But as far as jumping into, which I, in my second marriage with my current wife, her kids were, well, the youngest who was only four or five years old, but the other two were teen and preteen. And so they weren't having any of it, you know, and although I tried to have a man-to-man, man-to-boy, you know, male-to-male conversation, they just didn't want to hear it, you know, so that's the reality of it. But my suggestion is to try anyway, to try to have that conversation, again, to understand I'm not trying to be your dad, you know, your mom and I really like each other, and we're thinking about getting together and we just wanna hear from you what you have to say, even though we may not agree.

Speaker 1
10:56 - 11:28
And I think that kind of honesty is important because as you said, they're not gonna like it, but at least if you're being upfront and you're being honest and age appropriate in what you say, then I think that pays dividends down the road. Initially, it's not gonna, and I wouldn't even try at that, time to convince them. That would be a huge mistake to convince or argue for why you should accept this, you know, relationship. That's not the point of the conversation.

Speaker 1
11:28 - 11:42
The point of the conversation is to make them feel heard and understood. So let's, let's play this out. Okay. 13 year old potential stepson says no.

Speaker 1
11:43 - 11:47
I don't want this. I hate this. I'm never doing this. I'm just going to go live with my other parent.

Speaker 1
11:48 - 11:52
That's it. I hate this. I hate you. Now what?

Speaker 1
11:52 - 12:12
Yeah. Yeah. So at that point, um, that's where the other, so in this case, let's say if that was being said to me and that's his mom, his mom is the woman that would be, you know, really bottom line up to her because I might still want to move forward anyway.

Speaker 1
12:13 - 12:23
But she might just say, hey, you know what? I'm sorry, but my son, my kids are, it's just too, it's too much. It's too important. I don't want to go down that road.

Speaker 1
12:23 - 12:40
And I think right there and then she may make that decision. And then that's something that we have to accept. However, you know, that could also be a temporary situation. It could, a decision, I mean, where she said, look, Let's just not do this right now.

Speaker 1
12:41 - 13:01
Let time pass. Maybe you and I can have some dates and some conversation because maybe my son can accept at least that. That okay, he's not moving in, we're not getting married, but son, I don't wanna be alone the rest of my life. I'm not gonna lie to you and sneak around.

Speaker 1
13:01 - 13:19
That kind of honest conversation I think is important. Well, and now he feels heard, and he feels seen. And yes, maybe we can revisit it later down the road. And also, if you think about it in the grand scheme of things, our kids are not with us forever.

Speaker 1
13:20 - 13:36
So if it means you... have to date for five or six years. Well, you have to date for five or six years if it means, you know, having that relationship with your kids. I'm a strong believer in when you are married to someone who isn't the parent of your kids, your kids come first.

Speaker 1
13:36 - 14:02
That role switches for me and because they were there first. And so I like your answer, like maybe we put it on hold, maybe it just doesn't move forward right now. It doesn't mean you can't have a life, but when you think about, if you talk to people who went ahead and made that decision anyway, don't ask them if you're not gonna give a shit what they say. That's that's not the point of this.

Speaker 1
14:02 - 14:13
No, but if you're going to ask them to say, oh, well, too bad. This is I'm the boss. Well, you are on the very road to destruction with the relationship with your kids. Yeah.

Speaker 1
14:13 - 14:41
A lot of that's unfortunately what a lot of parents do. They just move ahead anyway. Um, but I, but, but I want to go back to what you said about putting the kids first, the same principle applies that remember, but yes, but remember, they're not going to be with us forever. You know, so I, you know, still want to maintain the relationship and the priority of that other person, even though, yeah, my kids are priority.

Speaker 1
14:41 - 14:50
Obviously, you don't have kids or maybe he doesn't say he doesn't have kids. I do. And they're, you know, you're the stepdad. So I'm going to prioritize them.

Speaker 1
14:51 - 15:11
But then I would be saying, well, that's fine. And I'm going to support you, but remember they're going to someday leave. And then where are you and I going to be? So as long as that is understood and I don't feel like I'm being put on the shelf and in the backseat and have no part, cause then that's going to make me feel like, why, you know, why do I want to move forward?

Speaker 1
15:12 - 15:30
So it's, it's a, it's a, it's an important balance, but listen, Michelle, what we're talking about is hard stuff. and there are no paint by the numbers, easy answers. Dynamics are crazy. Everybody's different personality and all these other things.

Speaker 1
15:30 - 15:48
So thank you for let's just talk it out and do our best to help people because there are solutions and things can get better. And I've been on both ends of that, both ends where it was not very good. Today it is. So hopefully we can give some light.

Speaker 1
15:50 - 16:18
Well, let's, let's dive into, I would love to really get into the book and you know, there's not going to be any spoiler alerts, but I really want to hear people and for people to hear, you know, tidbits of what you're going to be talking about, because even, even the names of the chapters are very intriguing. And I, I really, I loved how you placed everything. So I want to dive, let's just talk about chapter one, what you mean by attachment takes time.

Speaker 1
16:20 - 17:09
Yeah, that story that I tell in there, you know, it's just typical of one of the things I wanted to address was so many stepchildren end up, you know, in lives of crime or delinquency or drug addiction or whatever. And the statistics and the studies should say that a lot of the result is a broken family, that kids end up in those conditions. So I wanted to make that point that If you're in his case, in that story that I told, the unmatched and unattached, there was nobody in his life, and this is, we could talk about it in general, that was substituting as that caregiver because his father had taken off and the mother was too busy with working other kids.

Speaker 1
17:09 - 17:38
And so he just had no attachment. So what clinical psychologists talk about is the secure attachment that happens from the moment a woman is pregnant, even in the womb, which is why we always encourage women to take care of themselves in every way, emotionally, spiritually, physically, because the baby is, you know, I'm not telling you anything, is acclimating to all of that. So there's an attachment there.

Speaker 1
17:38 - 18:06
And then Alice Miller and her, she's a psychologist, world renowned, and you probably know who she is. She's an author. And she talks about how the Western world makes the mistake, used to, I don't think so much anymore. But this secure attachment, once the baby is born, and then the nurses and doctors rush them off right away to go wash them up and clean them up and weigh them and all those things that are not really that important at that moment, that baby needs to be

Speaker 1
18:06 - 18:20
with the mom. And I think we've learned that, I think, better. So that is where that secure attachment starts. It was an umbilical cord attachment, now it's an emotional attachment.

Speaker 1
18:22 - 18:52
You know, from there, it's through their life that you are making sure that it's attachment, emotional stability, security, all of those things. But unfortunately, that's where the, anyway, the studies show that's where the breakdown is. When that doesn't happen, kids don't always turn out so well. A lot of kids overcome it, let's be honest, but a lot of kids don't.

Speaker 1
18:52 - 19:27
Yeah, you know, and we're always saying that if a kid just has one caring adult in their world, it makes all the difference. And, you know, even as teachers or as friends of parents, sometimes we just assume that kids have a caring adult. We just make that assumption. And, you know, I would just love it if, you know, teachers would build it into their curriculum or friends, parents would just say, listen, if your parents are never around or just open the door, just open the door and they may never walk in, but there could be

Speaker 1
19:27 - 19:39
a day, there could be a time where no one has ever made that offer. So they don't feel like they can. And so, and that's all it takes one caring adult to make a huge difference. That's right.

Speaker 1
19:40 - 19:55
That's why, you know, the coaches, the counselors, the priests, the pastors, and extended family, in addition to friends and neighbors. Yeah, they can can play a huge role. That's what happened in my lab. You know, my mom.

Speaker 1
19:56 - 20:17
raised me, single parent in the barrio of Northeast Los Angeles. My dad was an alcoholic and really was not really part of my life a little bit here and there, but not really. But it was extended family members and the parents of my friends and coaches that really made that difference in my life, along with my mother. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1
20:18 - 20:43
So let's move along a little bit, finding your voice. And when I even just read the chapter name, I was like, yes, because where does that fall into a step-parenting blended family? Like, I feel like do step-parents What kind of voice do they have? I mean, should they be the disciplinarian?

Speaker 1
20:43 - 20:54
Should they not be the disciplinarian? Should they be involved in that at all? When I was in that type of relationship, I was hands off. I wanted nothing to do with it.

Speaker 1
20:54 - 21:06
And I didn't want anything to do with him disciplining my kids. And I got real mama bear when somebody was trying to tell my kid what to do. Well, that's my house. I don't care.

Speaker 1
21:06 - 21:33
And if you're coming from a blended family, you already have your own parenting styles. And now you're coming into, well, they can never watch TV. They can always watch TV. Well, they don't, you know, so how do we, how do we find our voice as a step-parent and how do we allow our step-parent or our spouse who is the step-parent, how do we allow them space to be a part of that family?

Speaker 1
21:34 - 21:56
Yeah, for me, really, this is why we talk so much in Parents on a Mission about emotional maturity. To me, it just goes back to that. It's so hard to not react, to learn how to respond to rejection, to whether it's your wife saying, don't, just leave my kids alone. I know they're brats, but I don't care.

Speaker 1
21:56 - 22:24
I don't want you. And you're like, where does that leave me? you know, or it could be not only the kids, it could be just the mother or the wife is not, you know, treating them in a certain way and you try to step in and defend them and say, hey, you know, maybe you shouldn't talk to your daughter. Don't tell me how to, you know, so that to me, just what am I going to do?

Speaker 1
22:25 - 22:35
Do you know who Katie um who uh Byron Katie? Yeah. Yeah doing the work so doing the work That's what it takes. I mean, you know asking yourself that key question.

Speaker 1
22:35 - 22:56
How do you feel when you think that way about that person? Yeah, and that's to me what it comes down to i'm gonna have to go away And just really number one, you know Do I want this, you know, because a lot of people say you know what i'm out of here. Yeah In my case, I didn't do that. I am in love with my wife.

Speaker 1
22:56 - 23:11
I've been in love with her. I am in love with her. And I always tell people that is a huge factor because there were a lot of situations like you're talking about that I could have just said, I don't need this. I have my own kids.

Speaker 1
23:11 - 23:17
I have five, my own five. She has three. I have my three girls and two boys. She has three boys.

Speaker 1
23:18 - 23:57
You know, they're giving me a hard time, you know, So to answer that question I had to do the work And that's really what helped me to just say, okay I'm gonna work this through And it and that's in the book. I'm just trying to be very honest about It can work out But it depends on us as the adults to grow and to deal with it You talk about Silence versus secrets. What is that? I'm sorry silence silence versus secrets.

Speaker 1
23:58 - 24:07
Is it? Silence first. Oh, I think it's domestic violence. It's silence.

Speaker 1
24:08 - 24:35
Yes. Yeah So what I meant by that is that if you don't talk about the domestic violence Then you're just keeping it silent or the secrets and that didn't help me You know, I witnessed, as I shared in the book, domestic violence, you know, my dad, and I was a victim of it also. Never talked about it.

Speaker 1
24:36 - 24:42
Nothing was ever said. There was no explanation. There was no apology. There was no acknowledgement, nothing.

Speaker 1
24:43 - 25:21
Well, as I said, that resentment and that anger and that silence, later on, I became a parent, a step parent, and then a parent. And those resentments got to come out somewhere. And they came out towards my wife at the time and my little kid, they were little kids at the time. So I'm trying to point out in that chapter about we need to heal ourselves by talking about and acknowledging some of these traumatic events and experiences that we had in our life.

Speaker 1
25:21 - 25:50
And even if the person is, it doesn't have to be a conversation with that person, but just the conversation of acknowledging, hey, I'm hurt and hurting people hurt people. And that's what was happening in my life. And the silence didn't, doesn't resolve it. No, and I think too, in situations where there could be not even physical violence, but domestic violence, coercive violence.

Speaker 1
25:51 - 26:33
And when it's happening and kids are young and mom decides, or dad decides, I'm not gender-based, to leave, thinking the kids are too young to have absorbed any of that. And they don't it sits there. So it's something for you know, the leaving parent to really be aware of You know I feel like there's so much work to do there because we just don't understand that they're too young to understand. They're not just like the umbilical cord, just like the attachment styles, just because they're not 15 or 16 and fighting back doesn't mean they don't understand what's happening there.

Speaker 1
26:34 - 27:08
And I think a really good way to figure out if you have some trauma from growing up is when you are parenting and something triggers you, And instead of the backlash, instead of the reaction to your kid, we talk a lot about this during other podcasts, it's like, why is this triggering me? Like there's something here. There's something you need to look at because it shouldn't be because your kid threw the socks on the floor that you're losing your mind or somebody's talking back to you or has not listened to you.

Speaker 1
27:10 - 27:34
Do you know what I'm saying? I feel like that. Yeah, that's right. I mean, Murray Ballin and his family systems theory, he talks about one of the best ways you can grow as an adult and as a parent is to understand your family of origin, to look at the genogram of your family of origin, even going back to, you know,

Speaker 1
27:34 - 28:09
your parents, parents, And for example, you know, I, I was, my mother was not affectionate and I didn't know how to be affectionate originally as a, as a father, but she told me a story about her parents were not affectionate. So just things like that, you know, when you understand the family origin that you can't, your origin of family that you came from that dynamics and the siblings. and the relationship or non-relationship with your parents and then their relationship, all of that, he calls it the family system. That is what's defining all of us.

Speaker 1
28:09 - 28:22
We're not individuals that aren't affected by that system. So that's an important thing. Like you said, you gotta think about why am I triggered? What would trigger me, Cheryl, was when my kids would cry and I would get angry.

Speaker 1
28:23 - 28:33
I'd get mad. Like their kids are crying, but I would get angry. What are you crying, be quiet, shut up. And you know, I was 20 something years old and I, after a while, I couldn't understand it.

Speaker 1
28:33 - 28:55
You know, why am I so angry about a little kid crying? But that was one of the triggers and you know, the dead man was controlling my life. My dad, because he had died when I was 18. So I finally realized all that resentment and anger and bitterness and unforgiveness was towards him.

Speaker 1
28:56 - 29:15
And once I took care of that, I became a different father, different man, different husband. You know, it's funny that you say that. Well, not funny. But as I was growing up, I was very much, I wasn't to have an opinion or a reason for something.

Speaker 1
29:15 - 29:33
It was what it was. And any kind of dispute was talking back, and it was not tolerated. And, you know, later on, much later, I start realizing this is why I don't stand up for myself or speak up for myself or whatever. And then you go back to where it came from.

Speaker 1
29:33 - 29:48
But then I kind of went back a few more steps. Well, well, how was she raised and what kind of, you know, and it's almost very forgiving. And not that I was angry. Every parent does the best they can, the best they're able to do.

Speaker 1
29:48 - 30:06
But when you go back and say, OK, but it doesn't stop there. It didn't stop with your dad. Your dad probably had his own history and his own history. And sometimes we don't get the opportunity to get into that situation to resolve it face to face.

Speaker 1
30:06 - 30:12
But there are ways. There are ways. There are writing letters. There are just burning them.

Speaker 1
30:12 - 30:38
There are different methods to do it. Believe in that I I and obviously you do too because you have grown from it But to hold on to it Is you you have to stop that? The lineage you have to be the one to stop it Yeah, that's right. That's why nelson mandela said Revenge is like drinking poison and hoping it'll kill your enemies.

Speaker 1
30:38 - 31:07
Yeah That's so important. So I want to talk about grief and new beginnings. So what would be a difference between a blended family from a spouse who has passed, so now you're a widower, widower bringing your children into a blended family, as opposed to having an ex-spouse? What would the dynamics be that are different?

Speaker 1
31:07 - 31:47
And do you have a way of kind of helping somebody through that might be a difference? Well, I think that the obvious difference is people are a little bit more accepting, not completely, especially the kids, but they're a little bit more accepting of you moving on because, you know, your spouse has passed. So they're no longer here. But, you know, I share in the book that one of my friends, his wife had passed, you know, and, you know, years ago, and he decided after maybe two years, I think it was two years, to start dating and his kids were adults and they weren't having any

Speaker 1
31:47 - 32:12
part of it. As far as I know to this day, they still don't accept it. So that happens too. But for the most part, I think most people, especially if you maintain, this is the key really, I think, if you maintain a good relationship with your children or child or whatever it is and the mother or the father has passed, That's going to be the key because

Speaker 1
32:12 - 32:49
as they grow, they're going to want you to be happy. I think maybe when they're young, maybe not, you know, because they're just too young, but as they get older. So I think that's another difference there is if, if you're chilling a little bit older, you know, they want you to be happy, not lonely, um, you know, as they, as they grow. So those are a couple of different things, but I think the main thing about it is, um, You know, the acceptance of other people is, it's not the bottom line, but you want people to want you to be happy, and especially your children.

Speaker 1
32:50 - 33:03
But even when the spouse is gone, It's not guaranteed. So what that person has to do is you have to make up your mind. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a life.

Speaker 1
33:03 - 33:14
And you may need to make that decision regardless of what others, how they judge you. And we already talked about it. It's hard, though, when it's your kids. Yeah.

Speaker 1
33:14 - 33:28
Yeah. I, you know, I'm just thinking about so for the parent who is in it, you're in it, you're you decided to go for it. And you thought it was a good idea. And everybody was seemed to be pretty agreeable.

Speaker 1
33:28 - 33:43
And now you've got five kids, three kids blended together, everybody's fighting. Nobody's getting along, sibling rivalry, and then step-sibling rivalry. Talk about that first. How do you manage that?

Speaker 1
33:43 - 34:18
With your blended family, you must have siblings that are not getting along, or step-siblings that are not getting along at some point. How is that managed? Yeah, well same thing, you know, you you don't want what you don't want You don't want your kids feeling like they're favoring their kids her kids or you know, I'm gonna say, you know her kids Yeah, you don't want that that will that's that's a disaster whether if if they to win to be the new dad, you're favoring them doing or going out of your way and being this loving, kind servant person.

Speaker 1
34:18 - 34:28
But to your own kids, you're all, you know, I don't have time. You take every that kind of thing. So that that's you don't you don't want to do that. But other than that, it's me.

Speaker 1
34:28 - 34:51
It's really maintain being able to maintain. Again, it goes back to my maturity. I got to maintain this caring great relationship, good relationship that I have with my kids, but I also have to be fair and treat her kids the same way. And that isn't always easy because sometimes they're giving me a bad time.

Speaker 1
34:51 - 35:03
My kids are not giving me a bad time. Her kids are giving me a bad time. Now I can't, you know, my kids didn't give her as bad a time, but they gave her a bad time. So it was different for her.

Speaker 1
35:03 - 35:25
So, but what's the answer? But it's that triangle situation, you know, you can't get pulled by one, you know, I can't allow my kids to pull me into a triangle of, here's my wife, here's them. And now they're pulling me into the triangle. And it caused me to take sides with them.

Speaker 1
35:25 - 35:40
And that causes problems between me and her. But what you have to do in the triangle, you have to maintain relationship with both parties and not take responsibility for either, for their relationship. I'm not going to take responsibility. Yeah.

Speaker 1
35:40 - 35:56
For my daughter's inability to get along with their new step-mom. I'm not going to do that. But what I am going to do and maintain my relationship with my wife, maintain with them, and then they're just gonna have to work it out. I'm not gonna get in the middle of that.

Speaker 1
35:57 - 36:18
That's a huge, that splits the triangle that I talk about in one of the chapters. So that's another thing to be aware of. But ultimately it really just comes down to, can I maintain my relationship with all sides? So my kids, her, her kids, and she has to be able to do the same thing.

Speaker 1
36:18 - 36:27
And you can imagine that's a lot of work. It's great. It's great. And one more thing, Cheryl.

Speaker 1
36:31 - 36:41
Yeah. My wife and I, you still have to maintain your romance in the middle of all that. On top of all this. On top of all that.

Speaker 1
36:42 - 36:49
Because otherwise, what do you have? You know what I mean? I mean, you got to get away. You got to take a break.

Speaker 1
36:49 - 37:06
You got to go on vacation or go away for the weekend. You got to do something because if you don't, and it almost happened to us a few times. over these 23 years, there's been some times where we thought, you know what, I'm done. This is over, man.

Speaker 1
37:06 - 37:15
I'm not, I don't want to, or she was saying the same thing. It's like, you know what, this isn't working. It's too much for the kids, you know, all of that. Then they start pointing fingers.

Speaker 1
37:16 - 37:28
Well, you're kids and well, no, it's your kids, you know, but what I'm saying is that all happens But if there's that mutual, no, you know what? I really do. I really do love you. I don't want this.

Speaker 1
37:28 - 37:36
You know, you come to that, like, do I really want to start all over again? Another freaking Wednesday. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1
37:37 - 37:56
Yeah. So, you know, it's, it's, um, I just hope all of you, all of your audience, I just hope this is all making sense because we're just being candid. I'm being very candid, but at the same time, I wrote the book because I wanted to give people hope. There is hope.

Speaker 1
37:57 - 38:22
There are no easy answers. There's no quick fixes, but if we're willing to do the work, that's the hope. You dropped something that's just sitting with me is that I'm not taking responsibility for their relationship. I think that's like, The shining star right now, that is so, and that's gotta take some work.

Speaker 1
38:23 - 38:34
Oh my gosh, I feel that. You gotta keep your mouth quiet. Wow, but that's really good. That is the number one thing.

Speaker 1
38:34 - 38:47
And I would never have worded it like that, but that's exactly right. I'm not taking responsibility for your relationship. Oh, so good. Richard, I know we can't dive into the whole book and people need to read this book, get the book.

Speaker 1
38:47 - 39:00
The link is going to be in the show notes. Is there something I didn't ask? Is there something you really wanted to say about this book or something that I just missed that you want to share before we go? I don't think so, Cheryl.

Speaker 1
39:00 - 39:30
You know, there is so much, like you said, I think what we've talked about, I hope has been insightful, real, honest and hopeful and I think at the end of the day what I would say is that there's hope. There really is hope and read the book. Our family is doing well and I'm honest about the we still have once in a while issues but we are way past where we were and that is because of my wife and I really being willing to do the work on ourselves. I love it.

Speaker 1
39:30 - 39:41
So, so much value in this, Richard. I'm so appreciative of you coming back again. And I just want to thank everyone for listening. I'm quite sure you can hear through the conversation.

Speaker 1
39:41 - 39:52
There is hope, but we've all been through it. Some worse than others, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's called The Art of Step Parenting. So get the book. Thank you again, Richard.

Speaker 1
39:52 - 40:15
Thank you for listening to Parenting Teens Advice Redefined, and we will see you next time. Thank you for listening to another episode. I hope you loved this one as much as I did. And I just wanted to share something with you because, you know, parenting teens is not just about managing these challenges that we talk about on all the episodes.

Speaker 1
40:15 - 40:42
It's also about evolving alongside them. And I'm Cheryl and not only the host of this podcast, but I'm also the creator of Insight to Impact, coaching and consulting. And I help you moms of teens reconnect with your true selves so you can lead with purpose, you can parent with clarity, you can create stronger, more meaningful relationships with your kids. Because here's the truth.

Speaker 1
40:42 - 40:54
The transformation starts with you. Together, we will break free from the stress and overwhelm. We will rediscover your power. We will create the life and the family dynamic you always dreamed of.

Speaker 1
40:55 - 41:06
If you're ready to start this journey, let's do it. You might just not recognize your life in the next 90 days. It all starts with a call. There's no pitch.

Speaker 1
41:06 - 41:14
There's no pressure. Just a call to see if I can help. We'll talk about your goals. We'll talk about what's making you feel stuck and what might be getting in your way.

Speaker 1
41:15 - 41:32
and everything you need to connect with me is in the show notes. Again, I'm Cheryl. Thank you so much for joining me here on Parenting Teens, advice redefined for today's complex world and the creator of Insight to Impact Coaching and Consulting. Have a great day.