~131~"Reframing 'Tantrums' as Survival Strategies: Understanding Dysregulation"

#Parenting #NeurodivergentTeens #BehavioruIsCommunication #ParentingTeens 

Do you ever catch yourself labeling your teen’s “meltdown” as “attention‑seeking,” “manipulative,” or “just being dramatic”? In this raw, no‑fluff episode Cheryl flips those myths on their head. Drawing on decades of front‑line experience and a powerful story from a teen she supported from grade 9‑12, she proves that behaviour is communication—not a choice.

🔹 Why teens—especially neuro‑divergent ones—might “lose it.”
🔹 The life‑changing difference between “can’t regulate” vs. “won’t regulate.”
🔹 A practical 1‑5 rating system that gives teens a voice before a crisis hits.
🔹 How to replace judgment with empathy in classrooms, homes, and even the grocery aisle.

If you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, or anyone who watches a teen struggle to be understood, this episode will shift your perspective and give you concrete tools to respond with compassion instead of criticism.

“It feels like a wall of flames right in front of my face.” – The moment that re‑defined Sheryl’s entire approach to teen behaviour.

Cheryl
00:03 - 00:37
Welcome back to another episode of Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for today's World, where we take the myths, misunderstandings, and outdated narratives of teenagers, and we flip them on their head with truth, nuance, and humanity. I'm Sheryl Pankhurst, and today I am going to dive straight into a topic that followed me throughout my entire career, the way we misunderstand behavior in teens. especially our teens with autism or other neurodivergent profiles. This conversation isn't soft.

Speaker 1
00:38 - 01:10
It's not sugar-coated. It's grounded in decades of frontline experience and hundreds of moments that shaped how I understand kids' behavior, what it is, what it is not, and what adults consistently get wrong about it. Let's start with the problems with the stories adults tell. I have been hearing the same statements, the same lines my entire career.

Speaker 1
01:11 - 01:22
These kids just want attention. These kids just want to push your buttons. They want to get out of class. They're just manipulating you.

Speaker 1
01:22 - 01:34
I hear the same thing from parents of neurotypical kids too. She just wants to be the center of attention. He just wants to get this way and his way and her way. Let me be clear.

Speaker 1
01:34 - 01:57
I call bullshit. Not because these kids don't show behaviors, but because the meaning adult attaches to these behaviors is almost always wrong, in my opinion, and the harm that it can cause is profound. That would be fact. Behavior is communication.

Speaker 1
01:57 - 02:32
It's not manipulation, it's not defiance, and it's not drama. It is the body trying to communicate what the mouth cannot. And teens, especially neurodivergent teens, are navigating internal storms most adults couldn't handle for five minutes. In my years as a spec ed specialist, I spent years in the classrooms, hallways, and calming rooms with teenagers who were in the middle of what many adults would call a tantrum.

Speaker 1
02:33 - 02:53
I don't use that word because it isn't accurate. They were dysregulated events, and no teen chooses that. No 15-year-old wants to flip desks in front of their peers. No 15-year-old wants to run out of the school in front of their peers.

Speaker 1
02:54 - 03:11
No teen wants to risk their own safety or the safety of others. They are not doing it because they won't regulate. They are doing it because they can't regulate. And that distinction changes everything.

Speaker 1
03:12 - 03:44
I have sat beside boys twice my size as they sobbed into their hands saying, I just want to be normal. There is nothing attention-seeking about that. It's grief, it's exhaustion, and it's overwhelm. I want to tell you a story about a teen who changed everything for me and my perspective about how to look at, talk to, and support our teens with autism.

Speaker 1
03:45 - 04:07
And he's a young man who I supported from grade nine right to grade 12. And he had enormous strengths, enormous challenges, and one of the most honest hearts I have ever encountered. In grade 9, he looked like he could go from 1 to 1,000 in seconds. No warning, no point of return.

Speaker 1
04:09 - 04:24
That wasn't actually true. There was a gap between 1 and 1,000, and I made it my job to find out what it was. So we started building a rating system together. Number one, I'm calm.

Speaker 1
04:24 - 04:34
Number two, I'm starting to feel a little edgy. Number three, I can't go to class, but I can stay in the school. I can stay in your office. Number four, please call home.

Speaker 1
04:34 - 04:51
Number five, we just want to talk about number five. But he could check in with me in person or by text. His mom had my number for emergencies, and so I gave it to him too. We created a safety structure of trust.

Speaker 1
04:52 - 05:13
One day, I asked him what it felt like in his body as he climbed from the two to the five. And his answer changed me forever. He said, it feels like there's a wall of flames right in front of my face. A wall of flames.

Speaker 1
05:14 - 05:26
Can you imagine that even for a second? Can you put yourself in those shoes? If you opened a door and there was a wall of fire, what would you do? I would run.

Speaker 1
05:26 - 05:41
I would yell. I would push anything in my way out of the way. I would do whatever my body thought it was having to do in order to survive. This is dysregulation.

Speaker 1
05:41 - 05:50
It is not a choice. It is not attention-seeking. It is not manipulation. It is survival.

Speaker 1
05:52 - 06:28
So before you judge a teen's behavior, I want you to think about this. To every teacher, and every parent, and every grandparent, and every relative listening, before you decide a teen is acting out, stop and ask yourself, What if this isn't chosen behavior? What if this is the only way their body knows how to communicate distress? We recognize our own needs easily.

Speaker 1
06:28 - 06:44
When I'm starving, I can say I need food. When I'm cold, I can say, pass me a blanket. But what about kids coming from a home where the parents are fighting, or they feel lonely? Everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend, and I don't.

Speaker 1
06:44 - 06:52
I'm overwhelmed by noise. I'm misunderstood. I feel like an outsider. I feel broken.

Speaker 1
06:52 - 07:17
Teens can't always articulate this. And our neurodivergent teens, especially our non-speaking autistic teens, may not have access to these words at all. So let me give you an analogy. Imagine being in your car on the highway, and the coffee kicked in.

Speaker 1
07:18 - 07:31
You know that feeling I'm talking about. I don't even have to explain it. But the only thing you can focus on is not having an accident in your car. That is the only thing you can think of.

Speaker 1
07:31 - 07:47
Now imagine being in a classroom and having that same feeling. Imagine you're not allowed to leave. and worse, you don't have the ability to speak to somebody. That's what some of these kids live with daily.

Speaker 1
07:48 - 08:11
Stop assuming there's intention and stop assuming that they are looking for struggle because if we put ourselves in their shoes, can you even imagine how that would feel where you have just even the most insignificant need. You're starving. You're cold. You've got a tag in your back.

Speaker 1
08:11 - 08:53
You are super sensitive to any kind of anything touching your skin or noise or a light, but you don't have the words to articulate that. And so you get frustrated and more frustrated and more frustrated until it turns into a behavior. Behavior is just a way of communicating. And we may not be able to solve all these issues, but I think if we are able to look at our kids, whether they're in the classroom as our students, whether they're our grandchildren, and parenting is very different, times are different, or you're in the mall.

Speaker 1
08:54 - 09:22
You know, what happens when you see a kid dysregulate? What immediate thought do you have? And if it's not one of compassion or empathy, maybe you need to reshift that thought. And when you see a dysregulation event, can you say to yourself first, that is somebody's child?

Speaker 1
09:24 - 09:59
So before I start judging and comparing and deciding what's actually happening there, first say to yourself, whether you're a teacher or another parent or somebody shopping in the mall, that's somebody's child. That is somebody's child. This is what this whole podcast is all about. Shifting how we understand behavior, building empathy where judgment used to live, reminding adults that teens, every teen, deserve to be understood before they're judged.

Speaker 1
10:01 - 10:50
If this episode opens something for you, please share it with someone who needs to either rethink their beliefs about teens and behavior, but also share it because you just never know. the parent sitting at home feeling very alone and very lost because their kid is autistic, their kid is non-speaking, and they're so done with the judgments and the little side chatter about their parenting skills and what their kid really wants and what they really need to do. If they're sitting at home and they've just had one of those days and they catch this episode, maybe they now know, okay, You're not the only one who thinks like this. You're not the only one who feels like this.

Speaker 1
10:51 - 11:37
And one conversation at a time, one podcast at a time, can we start shifting the beliefs and the understanding that we might have about our kids? You know, understanding is everything, and empathy changes outcomes. I'd like to thank you for listening again, Parenting Team's Advisory Department. I'm your host, Cheryl Pankurs, and I am so grateful that you spent time with me today, and I would be so grateful if you shared, download, Subscribed, it gets this podcast into so many more ears and who knows whose life you might change just by sharing an episode.

Speaker 1
11:38 - 11:43
You never know. Have a beautiful day. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.

Speaker 1
11:46 - 12:10
Thank you for listening to another episode. I just wanted to share something with you because, you know, parenting teens is not just about managing these challenges that we talk about on all the episodes. It's also about evolving alongside them. And I'm Cheryl and not only the host of this podcast, but I'm also the creator of Insight to Impact, coaching and consulting.

Speaker 1
12:11 - 12:31
And I help you moms of teens reconnect with your true selves so you can lead with purpose, you can parent with clarity, you can create stronger, more meaningful relationships with your kids. Because here's the truth. The transformation starts with you. Together, we will break free from the stress and overwhelm.

Speaker 1
12:31 - 12:46
We will rediscover your power. We will create the life and the family dynamic you always dreamed of. If you're ready to start this journey, let's do it. You might just not recognize your life in the next 90 days.

Speaker 1
12:46 - 12:54
It all starts with a call. There's no pitch. There's no pressure, just a call to see if I can help. We'll talk about your goals.

Speaker 1
12:54 - 13:14
We'll talk about what's making you feel stuck and what might be getting in your way. And everything you need to connect with me is in the show notes. Again, I'm Cheryl. Thank you so much for joining me here on Parenting Teens, advice redefined for today's complex world and the creator of Insight to Impact Coaching and Consulting.

Speaker 1
13:14 - 13:15
Have a great day.