~140~Navigating Co‑Parenting: Practical Tips for Stress‑Free Christmas Celebrations

#CoParenting #HolidayStress #DivorcedFamilies #BlendedFamilyChristmas

The holidays should be a time of joy, but for families navigating a split or divorce, Christmas (and New Year’s) can feel like a juggling act of logistics, emotions, and “double‑gift” pressure. In this solo‑run “Friday Riff,” Cheryl dives deep into the teenage mindset during co‑parented holidays, shares real‑world conversation starters, and gives you a roadmap for creating smoother, stress‑free celebrations—all without making your kids feel like they have to be your therapist.

“Put on their lens.”
Cheryl reminds us that a teenager’s view of “two Christmases” isn’t automatically a blessing—it can be confusing, lonely, or even painful. She shows how to turn empathy into actionable, kid‑centered planning that honors both parents while keeping the teen’s emotional safety front‑and‑center.

🔑 Who should listen?
Parents of teens (10‑25 y/o) who are navigating co‑parenting during the holidays—or any special family occasion—and want practical, compassionate strategies that actually resonate with their children.

WTF Coparent the Holidays.m4a
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Speaker 1
00:02 - 00:35
Welcome to another episode of WTF. That's Welcome to Friday or whatever you want to term it for you depending on probably how your week has gone or even how your day has gone. I'm Cheryl Pankhurst and I'm your host and WTF is the takeoff series from Parenting Teens Advice Redefined for Today's World. So this is the solo on Fridays where I just get to riff on whatever I think is valuable at this moment in time.

Speaker 1
00:35 - 00:56
And this is Friday, December 19th, and we are heading into Christmas. It's already Christmas season. And I know that, you know, tension over money, over kids, over presents, over time, all of it comes into play. I'm right there with you.

Speaker 1
00:58 - 01:28
But another layer to that is co-parenting through Christmas. And I want to say that this just adds more stress, different holidays, different schedules. They want to see grandma, they want to see grandpa, they want to see auntie and uncle, they want to be with dad, they want to be with mom, all of these things. And as the kids, you know, get more and more aware of it.

Speaker 1
01:28 - 02:01
I know that sometimes the conversation tends to be, oh, it's okay, you're so lucky. You get two Christmases, you get two New Years, you get two this, you get two that. And I wanna tell you, can you put your lens on for a minute? the lens that your kid is wearing, the one that sees two Christmases as horrible or stressful or unwanted.

Speaker 1
02:01 - 02:15
The fact that I'm getting double gifts doesn't mean that my family is back together. And this is hard. It's hard. I've been there and and I'm not speaking just off the cuff.

Speaker 1
02:15 - 02:49
I've been there. It is a tough, Holiday, especially when you have to go back and forth. Well this year you get christmas day and then next year you get new year's and this year's It's just the back and forth and the trying to plan And is so So hard and I feel you if this is especially the first christmas That you're trying to navigate all this And I plead for you to not express any of this stress with your kids.

Speaker 1
02:49 - 03:41
And it doesn't matter how old they are. I don't care if they're 10 or 18 or 25. They don't need to hear how much harder it is for you because as much as it was a good idea for you and your spouse to split, or maybe it was one idea, not the other, didn't belong to both of you, either way, your kids never chose this. They would, unless a very different exceptional situation, which I do not disregard, but in a typical family that is splitting up or has split up, without addiction and abuse, but just split up, it is never a good idea in your kids' eyes.

Speaker 1
03:41 - 04:07
So by trying to make them feel better, finding all the benefits of being in a divorced family is not helpful. It diminishes their pain. It diminishes how they feel. It makes them, it can make them afraid to even tell you how they really feel like, Oh, you get two Christmases.

Speaker 1
04:07 - 04:15
Well, I don't want to fricking Christmas. I want my wishlist. Barsanda is my family to be back together. So I don't have to deal with this crap.

Speaker 1
04:15 - 04:40
I don't have to pack up my bag and take it somewhere else and haul it over here and haul it over there and go back and forth and not get as much time with the people I want to be with. So if you could put your lens on with those kind of conversations, knowing where they're coming from. Maybe it starts with, how are you feeling about Christmas? Are you excited?

Speaker 1
04:40 - 04:59
Is there anything you're worried about that I might be able to help with? Maybe they're scared. They bought a better present for dad than they did for mom. or maybe they're feeling horrible because they know mom is gonna be home Christmas Eve all alone and they feel terrible.

Speaker 1
05:00 - 05:16
And kids feel that, they have that empathy, they take that on. So in having these conversations, if you could anticipate things like, well, yeah, you know what? On Christmas Eve, you know what I'm gonna do? I am going to.

Speaker 1
05:17 - 05:36
take myself out for dinner, something I never get to do. I'm going to go to an adult movie, a chick flick, whatever that I just want to see by myself. I'm going to go for a nice walk. I'm really going to make the most out of being a different Christmas Eve.

Speaker 1
05:38 - 06:08
and put their mind at ease that they're not worried about you sitting home alone or about a conflict in time or jealousy and gifts. I know this is a tough situation, period, but especially for the holidays, can you Take a breath and take yourself out of your situation. And it's not easy. Yes, you need friends.

Speaker 1
06:08 - 06:21
Yes, you need to talk about this. Yes, you might need to justify things with people, but you don't need to justify this with your kids. They don't need that. They don't want to hear it, even if they're adults.

Speaker 1
06:21 - 06:33
And you think, oh, they're old enough to understand. It doesn't matter. They do not need to be your confidant, your shoulder to cry on, your therapist. Go find someone else for that.

Speaker 1
06:34 - 07:03
And every conversation, can you come at it with, they didn't choose this. They would never want this. And how are they feeling about being taken here and taken there and time out that they're not going to wake up in the regular bed on Christmas morning. Now they're going to wake up at dad's with a stepmom or mom's with the stepdad and they're going to have blended family Christmases that might not look like their Christmases they used to have.

Speaker 1
07:04 - 07:18
So you could even ask them, are you worried about missing something? Is something going to be different that you think I can help with? Is there something I'm not thinking of that you're worried about? I want you to tell me.

Speaker 1
07:18 - 07:25
I'm here for that. I'm your mom, or I'm your dad. I'm your caregiver. You can tell me.

Speaker 1
07:25 - 07:43
And you can even start the conversation by, if it were me, I would probably be worried about, not waking up in my own bed, or maybe I bought a different gift for somebody and I shouldn't have. I should have bought something bigger. I should have spent more money. I should have made more time.

Speaker 1
07:43 - 08:11
Maybe if you anticipate that that's something they might be worried about, you might trigger them thinking, oh, they actually do understand. And even starting the conversations with, I know you didn't choose this. And this was a good decision for me. And in the long run, would have been a good decision for our family.

Speaker 1
08:11 - 08:24
However, I know you didn't choose this. And I know some of the choices around holidays are going to be completely out of your hands. You're going to have no control. And that's scary.

Speaker 1
08:24 - 08:55
Are you worried about something? Are you scared about something? Is there anything that I can do. that we can create a different tradition, a new tradition, something with just us when you're here, anything that allows them to understand that you know exactly how they are feeling, or as close as you possibly can, about the anticipation of what Christmas and New Year's is gonna look

Speaker 1
08:55 - 09:26
like for them, or Hanukkah, or it doesn't have to be Christmas, obviously, but family gatherings for special occasions. It can be Easter, it can be Thanksgiving, it doesn't matter. When these situations and events come up, I think sometimes we just, as parents, really just try to justify, well, this was a better idea, and look what you're gonna get instead. And from the kid's point of view, mm-mm, that's not what I want.

Speaker 1
09:28 - 10:15
And as your kids get older, You're going to have kids who have girlfriends and boyfriends. They're going to want to spend time with their girlfriend or boyfriend's families. And we really need to back off of our decision that it all has to be on this day with these people at this time. As your kids get older, especially when they've left home, Something that has worked for us has been, here's a group chat, and Christmas is December 25th, but what day is everybody available to comfortably sit down and have a Christmas dinner or Christmas lunch or Christmas breakfast?

Speaker 1
10:16 - 10:26
What works for you? and work your schedule around theirs. It doesn't have to be December 25th. It doesn't have to be on the birthday.

Speaker 1
10:26 - 10:49
It doesn't have to be on Easter. If we're thinking that we have not given our kids the freedom of being able to tell us what would work for them after we've made some decisions for them, You're going to come up against holidays and occasions where there's resentment. They don't want to be there. They're looking at their phone.

Speaker 1
10:49 - 11:03
They just want to leave. But if you open up the option to what works for you, here's what I'm thinking. We do brunch, we do breakfast, we do dinner, doesn't matter. We do it within a couple of weeks of Christmas.

Speaker 1
11:04 - 11:30
We do it within a couple of weeks of your birthday. who's available when and how can we make this work? And allow them to take control of the schedule instead of you taking control of the schedule and forcing them. We all know teenagers are not thrilled about being home all the time, especially on holidays when they have partners and girlfriends and boyfriends and They want to be with them.

Speaker 1
11:30 - 11:50
They don't want to be with the family the whole time. But if you show them the respect and give a little bit of control over to them about what it's going to look like, I can almost guarantee you it's going to be a better vacation. I invite you to think about these things. We're into the last week.

Speaker 1
11:50 - 12:20
This is where tensions are high. Good intentions are in October. Good intentions might even be in November, but now we're a week away, and we're scrambling, and we're pissed off, and things aren't working, and schedules aren't working, and can we just take a step back? and really understand that the choices we have made for our kids, while they may be the best choices, would not be their choices, and you will never convince them of that.

Speaker 1
12:21 - 12:48
So keeping that in mind for every conversation, whenever your kid's acting out, take a step back and say, oh, this might be just a form of communication. They're stressed, they're tired, they're feeling really a pull of loyalty from one family to another. That's a hard weight to carry. For a kid, it's a hard weight to carry for anybody.

Speaker 1
12:50 - 13:12
So I just wanted to jump on here for WTF. I want to say I'm wishing you all the merriest Christmas. If you're celebrating Christmas, a wonderful break, just happy holidays and co-parents put your lenses on tight. You'll thank me, you'll thank yourselves.

Speaker 1
13:12 - 13:48
You'll be so proud of yourselves when it's over and it all went better than what you anticipated. And I promise you, your kids will know, no matter what age they are, they will know They will remember and they will appreciate what you've done for them over this event, season, holiday, whatever you want to call it. So from my heart to yours. Happy holidays.

Speaker 1
13:48 - 13:56
Happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas. Have a wonderful break. Take some time to appreciate you.

Speaker 1
13:56 - 14:07
Take some time to care about you. Do a little something of what you love. And we'll see you next time. Welcome to WTF.

Speaker 1
14:07 - 14:10
Thank you for listening. And we'll see you next time.