When The Call Hits Home | Episode 16: Navigating Life with a First Responder

Ashlee [00:00:07]:
Hi. I'm Jennifer Woosley Saylor. I'm a licensed professional clinical counselor and the kid of a cop. And this is the podcast when the call hits home. Hey, everyone. It's Ashlee Gethner. I'm a licensed clinical social worker, and I'm also a child of a police officer. Welcome back to When the Call Hits Home.

Ashlee [00:00:25]:
My name is Ashlee. And if you guys remember 2 episodes ago now, Jennifer kinda had a episode with a family member of hers. And so today, we thought it would be a good idea to mix in my own family a little bit more to the mix. Crazy enough, we got some incredible feedback about our dad being on this show. He is the secret podcaster that we did not know. And so I thought it'd be a great idea to have both my sisters on here. I am the youngest, so I have 2 older sisters. We are all 2 years apart.

Ashlee [00:00:55]:
Obviously, I'm 4 years apart than the oldest of us. But it's really special for me to have them on here. I think that what's interesting about being a first responder's child is we all kinda go through it differently even though we're living in the same home, and I think that's important for us to talk about. So to start this episode, I'm gonna have them introduce themselves for you guys, and we'll start with the oldest of us. So I'm gonna let Britney take it away.

Brittany Nieft [00:01:19]:
Hey, everyone. My name is Britney, and I'm 35 years old. I am obviously the daughter of a retired police officer, officer, and I currently am a registered nurse. I've been a nurse since 2016. I have 3 kids, 15 year old daughter, and a 6 year old son, and a 3 year old son. And I am currently also in a graduate program for my master's degree. So busy, busy, busy all on my end all the time, but happy to be here today.

Ashlee [00:01:49]:
Yeah. So what's really cool about that, I'm gonna point out really quick, is that Britney is really working hard to help our first responders as well. So she's getting this degree to kind of join along in my path and and help our first responders in need who are struggling with mental health and, honestly, really anything. I mean, they could come to you for a lot. Is that correct? Am I

Brittany Nieft [00:02:08]:
am I wrong on that? So I'm getting my degree, my master's in psych and mental health nursing. So I'll be, when it's all said and done, I'll be a nurse practitioner for psych and mental health. And so they'll be able to come to me for different kind of therapy sessions as well as medication management, which I think is super important. And from our discussions, you know, that we had had before I had gone back to school, you have been having a lot of hard time with getting patients in to see providers for medication management, and, there's just a lack of that kind of a resource in health care in general. So that'll be a big big relief hopefully to your practice and your your patient population.

Ashlee [00:02:52]:
I'm gonna say especially to our first responders because not only is it really hard to get people in, but any first responder listening right now will be the first to be like, the trust isn't always there. And so when I have built that trust and I'm like, hey. This is someone who you can trust too. I think it'll be an awesome collaborative effort to help a lot. So thank you for that. I'm gonna turn it over to you, Katie. It's your turn. Introduce yourself.

Kaity Standerfer [00:03:14]:
Hi, everyone. My name is Katie. I am a chemistry laboratory stockroom manager at a university. I have 2 kids, a son who's 6 and a daughter who's 3, and I'm just really happy to be here today. I'm excited to do this.

Ashlee [00:03:32]:
Absolutely. So Katie's job is super hard, and I never understand what she's doing. And she sends me and Britney snaps all day long, and I I think it's so cool. And I will never be on her level like that because I dipped out on math and went to so forth. So Katie Tropp is incredible as well, and I'm super excited to have her here. And one of the biggest things that I wanted to ask you guys thus far is, obviously, my family is incredibly supportive of this podcast, and I'm so thankful for that. And so just listening to the podcast so far, has anything stood out to either of you personally or as a child of a first responder? Again, we share all the same dad, so he is retired now, but we lived it. And so I just wanted to know from your guys' perspective listening to some of my episodes, how that has impacted you both.

Kaity Standerfer [00:04:21]:
I think that listening to your episodes is just kind of kinda, like, eye opening because I know you talked about, like, the strictness before and having to, like, follow certain rules that, like, I'm not gonna lie, I would, like, go to my friend's house because they didn't have those rules, like strict curfews or anything like that.

Brittany Nieft [00:04:44]:
So so I

Kaity Standerfer [00:04:44]:
just think with, like, the strictness and stuff, I get why now he was so strict because he's seen people go down path and didn't want us to go down those same paths. So I get it now that I'm older, but when you're younger, you're just like, just let me live my life. Let me have a good time.

Brittany Nieft [00:05:02]:
Yeah. I can obviously, we all relate to that as well. And I think that some of the things you know, obviously, you're going through this and you're hearing people come in from all different kinds of first responder families. So it's not only police, but there's fire and, there was a woman on that had she was a 911 dispatcher. So there's all these different, you know, backgrounds that are coming on to this podcast. So it is eye opening in the fact that we didn't grow up in that alone. You know? But then also, there were some differences noted. Like, the one that really stood out to me and had me laughing pretty much out loud when I was listening to it was that 911 dispatcher, and I just I remember her name is Britney only because it is mine.

Brittany Nieft [00:05:48]:
And she was saying that her father who was the firefighter was always very cautious. Like, oh, you can't you you gotta be careful with this. You can't do this. You're gonna get hurt. You got you know? And it just made me laugh because all 3 of us has had stitches. None of us needed the stitches. You know what I mean? I was like, nay. It's okay.

Brittany Nieft [00:06:07]:
Rub some grass on it. It's fine to quote famous last words, and then we've all had stitches. So there were some differences that have really stood out, but then also, you know, similarities. Like, I had said that we weren't growing up in something that was not being experienced by other first responder families.

Ashlee [00:06:28]:
You actually make a good point, and it totally just hit me when you were saying that. And I wonder if there

Kaity Standerfer [00:06:33]:
is this drastic difference. I mean, I know

Ashlee [00:06:33]:
police obviously see really horrible things as well, drastic difference. I mean, I know

Brittany Nieft [00:06:35]:
police obviously see really horrible

Ashlee [00:06:35]:
things as well, but fire, you know, they do have this they get called to all of that, and and I think they do have this other realm to them of knowing all these, like, very random things that can happen to hurting somebody where police, I don't think, do as much. And tell me why in my head right when you said that, I was like, oh, yeah. Like, trying to kill us, flying us off a tube in a lake. You know? Because her dad was like, you have to wear you have to wear a life vest, which I know we wear a life vest, but, like, they did not show us any mercy if we were on a tube in the middle of a lake. Like, they were throwing us off. So, yeah, dad was a little bit more like, you know what? Live your life and and try it and you're good. Just get back up than, them being like, hey. Don't do that.

Brittany Nieft [00:07:18]:
You just

Kaity Standerfer [00:07:19]:
gotta shake it off.

Brittany Nieft [00:07:20]:
Shake it off. Yeah. Well and in in that aspect too, I can totally relate with my background in critical care nursing. Like, there's not a lot that phases me either. You know? So, like True. The kids wipe off their bike, and I might be delayed to go get up and be like, well, you know, alright. Let's take a look, and I'm not flying off the handle or whatever. And, obviously, I wouldn't if I thought something needed stitches, we would be going for stitches.

Brittany Nieft [00:07:44]:
But but I don't react as I'm not as jumpy as some other people are either just from stuff that I've seen and experienced as well. So I totally can relate to to dad in that regard.

Ashlee [00:07:57]:
Yeah. That's fair. I feel like one of the things that's really unique about us is that, obviously, we're all siblings, but we have such different personalities. And so, Katie, when you kinda were like, yeah, I went to my friend's house and did what I wanted to do then that was so you. That speaks to you. And I think that this next question is why I wanted to do that because even though we lived in the same house, we had such different experiences, but I also think that comes down to us individually. Like, I don't know. Britney would and correct me if I'm wrong.

Ashlee [00:08:27]:
Right? Britney, you were a little bit more passive. You were a little bit more like you weren't as neither of us were like Katie who just didn't care. Sorry. Sorry. You were my middle child, man. That middle child. Child.

Kaity Standerfer [00:08:41]:
You're second born. You just had to uphold the reputation.

Brittany Nieft [00:08:45]:
You helped it. No. I mean, definitely, I would I never liked getting in trouble. You know? Like, that was not anything that I'm not saying that I probably didn't do things that I would've gotten in trouble for, and thank god I didn't get caught doing it. But, you know, I just I don't never got a detention. If if anybody would have said anything to me to, you know, like, for correction or something, I probably would have cried on the spot. You know what I mean? And as I've grown up, some of that's gone away, but I'm still, I think, at the core, like, I'm a people pleaser. I don't like to be and I I I know that I tried to avoid that at home with dad because, I mean, Katie.

Ashlee [00:09:26]:
She showed us what not to do a lot of the times, so thank you.

Brittany Nieft [00:09:29]:
Definitely. Thank you. She definitely you know, I did not want the repercussions that that Katie had gotten sometimes being so strong willed. So I, yeah, there there was definitely times where I was just like, alright. Keep your head down, and let's let's go.

Ashlee [00:09:48]:
Yeah. You paved the way, Caitlin. Although, let's put it out there. So let's see if he actually listens to this episode. This will be a good test to see. But we know Katie's his favorite, so we just have to ride that out. I mean, maybe it's because she gave him such a hard time. I don't know, but we know that's what it is.

Ashlee [00:10:03]:
And so now we'll see. He'll he'll this is a good test.

Kaity Standerfer [00:10:06]:
He'll be like, no. You

Ashlee [00:10:08]:
didn't put that out there. We all know. So, anyway, so with that said, what was your guys' and I you know, of course, digging deep here a little bit, and I know it can be uncomfortable, but what was your guys' experience like growing up with dad as a police officer? And and, again, you could take me out of it, take everything out of it. It's your own personal experience of what it was like having a father as a first responder. Right? Like, a dad is a police officer. And whoever wants to start with that. Katie, you wanna go?

Kaity Standerfer [00:10:38]:
Sure. I don't know. I feel like I had a very different experience from, like like, even you because I know from a young age, you were, like, very worried about dad a lot. Mhmm. And I never really felt that. I did I feel like the very first time I felt that worry, I was on a ride along, but I was, like, in high school. Like, I was older. And I remember him saying, like, you usually can't take family members with you together on a ride along because if something happens, you might not be able to emotionally control yourself to figure out what to do next.

Ashlee [00:11:11]:
Right.

Kaity Standerfer [00:11:11]:
And so I remember him telling me, like, that, you know, the we'll be fine. No. It's fine. I remember him, like, just letting that sink in and him, like, walking up to give a car a ticket, and I'm seeing a car. And I'm like, oh, no. Wait. What if something just goes wrong right now? What do I do? And, like, I I wouldn't be able to watch that. So I don't know.

Kaity Standerfer [00:11:31]:
I felt like you were very, at a young age, aware of that, and I always was just like, oh, this

Ashlee [00:11:37]:
is so cool. He's he's so just does whatever.

Kaity Standerfer [00:11:40]:
You know? He's so strong and brave, and it didn't really hit me until I was older. Like, oh, gosh. Something can go seriously wrong here. Yeah. So I feel like in that aspect, it was a little different for me because I just saw it as more, like, a really cool thing. And it wasn't until later of my life that I did I worry due to, you know, people were talking really poorly about police officers and all that stuff. And I was like, oh, maybe he has to get out of this because I don't like any of this. And, you know, even people would bring stuff up, and all you wanna do is defend.

Kaity Standerfer [00:12:16]:
Mhmm. But then you also don't wanna do that because you wanna you don't wanna draw attention to yourself or your family.

Ashlee [00:12:21]:
Right.

Kaity Standerfer [00:12:22]:
So you because you're just kinda, like, stuck in this middle middle spot. But so that was kinda my experience. I just thought he was a really, really, really cool dad.

Ashlee [00:12:32]:
Now you kinda Britney and I have already alluded to the fact that you were the troublemaker, and so you did face the wrath of dad a little bit more than us. Although, we all we all did at one point or another. Do you feel like some of that was due to dad's job? Like, do you feel like his kind of well, I mean, dad was very quick. We we couldn't disrespect. We all know this. These are all things he knows too. Right? Like, very quick to fuse. Like, do you think that was because of dad's job? Do you think that was more parenting? And I think this is beautiful too.

Ashlee [00:13:00]:
You guys are parents, so you can add on to that. Like, do you think that was more parenting, or or how do you feel about that aspect of things?

Kaity Standerfer [00:13:07]:
I don't know. Maybe I think it's a little bit of both. I'm sure there was days he did not wanna deal with my shenanigans because I did a lot of shenanigans. But I know he was he he was hard on me. He let me know when I did things wrong. I think now looking back at it, he probably was super stressed out because I have a very stressful job where I'm meeting deadlines, like, every single day. And if those deadlines aren't met, then I'm the only one responsible for that. So I kinda get it more now that I'm older and have this kinda high stress job.

Kaity Standerfer [00:13:43]:
But, also, I I I probably was doing things I shouldn't have been doing. And as a parent myself, I would want to correct my children. Now would I do it in the same way? Probably not. But I get where he was coming from now.

Ashlee [00:13:57]:
Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I think that's fair, and I think that's fair to ask. I you know, it's one of those things where I on the show, it's hard to always tell. Right? Like, I'm always like, well, some of this is regular parenting, but then also I feel like some of this is due to the drop. Like, if I had a stressful day at the drop, I come home and my kids are doing something or, you know, what have you, I I tend to lash out a little bit more. And I just always wonder that, like, we've never actually to the people listening.

Ashlee [00:14:23]:
Right? Like, I don't think any of us you guys, we've never sat down and talked about because it's just the way life is for us. So we've never had to. But this is the first time, like, the 3 of us are sitting down and having this, like, candid conversation about what was it truly like for us. And so, Britney, I'm super excited and interested to hear from your perspective. Like, yours was vastly different from mine and Katie's, and I know that. So what was that experience like for you growing up with dad?

Brittany Nieft [00:14:47]:
Yeah. So my my takeaway or experience, I guess, growing up with dad is their dad is different from your guys'. I always thought of his job as being super cool. He's really you know, police officers were just glorified in my mind as these really cool people. We would go, you know, to Christmas breakfast with all the police officers and their kids, and you would be handed a gift and everybody would be happy. And it was like this big family thing, and then you would get VIP seating at the 4th July fireworks like you've mentioned. And, you know, like, you were just you felt like you were someone super special. You know, it was dad was a helper.

Brittany Nieft [00:15:33]:
Police officers help people. And so when you're younger, you see a lot of that. On the flip side of that is also I remember some really rough times, and I think that a lot of that does stem from the fact, like, you guys were touching on previously to, the stress of the job. Right? Like and I can only relate to that now from my experience as a critical care nurse that the stuff that you see and even still, he didn't even really start talking to me about, like, stories of him on the job until I feel like I became a critical care nurse. And there were times that I was working nights, and I'd call him in the morning on the way home just so that I could get home because I was tired. I did a short stint on nights, and we'd talk or I'd tell him about, you know, a patient of mine that had passed and whatever. And so then we'd start going back and forth, and I truly feel like a lot of those hard times. And he he probably didn't even scratch the surface on his history, his whole career as a police officer.

Brittany Nieft [00:16:42]:
You know, a first responder is a first responder to a scene of an extremely horrific event of any you know, that has happened to somebody from any age. So when I talk about my experience as a critical care nurse, I got the the boujied up package, you know, you know, wrapped up present from that scene. A lot of that stuff, still horrific. I still have times where I get, like, goosebumps of, you know, and and just sad from stories that I can remember. They are coming up on a scene of something that is so raw that people can't even wrap their head around. And so to come home from that, working however many hours of of stuff, you know, seeing some things and then coming home to 3 kids and, you know, a spouse that doesn't do that either. That's it's really hard to explain your day or keep that day away from your family when really, you know, obviously, the best way to go about that would be to decompress the how. You know what I mean? When you're when it's so horrific, you don't want them to know, and they can't even understand what you did during your shift, and the the they would never be able to.

Brittany Nieft [00:18:02]:
So that's all hard. And so I think that that did stem from that. And, you know, what do you do? How do you decompress? You go out. Right? You go out with your buddies who know you because that that bond, and I like to call it that trauma bond that you build with your work family is something you will never find anywhere else. And so I do think that it did cause some rifts growing up from things that I can remember. But overall, you know, dad was always supportive of me a little bit different than you guys. Right? Like, he coached you guys for t, softball. I cheered.

Brittany Nieft [00:18:43]:
So, you know, there was no, like, connection really there in that regard for me and him, but we went hunting together. That was something that I love doing with him. I always looked forward to that. And, you know, still to this day, if I can ever get to the shooting range or whatever, that's always something that we like to do. But yeah. So, again, I know I'm taking up a lot of time, but the you know, just different points of view from different age groups.

Ashlee [00:19:06]:
Well, I don't think you're taking up a lot of time. I mean, that's that's what we want is to hear your your story of it. And I think that you make a good point that I guess I haven't really stopped to recognize is that you were able to see a lot more of young dad, like, young police officer dad because Yeah. He had you pretty young. And then, I mean, while you were 4 by the time no. You were 2 by the time Katie came. 4 by the time I came, but you still had these years, I feel like, of experiencing and learning things before Katie and I even probably grasped on to what was happening.

Brittany Nieft [00:19:40]:
Yeah.

Ashlee [00:19:41]:
So I think that that's really fair to say. And then, you know, our parents are now divorced, and I think that you you did kind of have the I don't I don't know what the correct word would be. I wanna say burden that sounds bad, but kind of. Right? The burden of their downfall and and seeing them argue and fight and have struggles. And I I do think that you kinda got a little bit more of that than Katie and I did. And I don't know if that's just an age thing or, again, just because of the stages of life we were in when those things are happening, you were just more aware.

Brittany Nieft [00:20:15]:
Right. Yeah. And I know that that's not it's obviously common in these areas. Right? And that's part of the reason why that you're doing this amazing podcast is to bring awareness that this is not atypical, and here are things that you can do to help, kinda curb that. You know? Right? And so, yeah, I think that it's important to know, you know, that the other kids that grew up in that aspect that, you know, you know, they're not alone. We we've all kinda went through that too. And and like you said that the different ages are it is important with, you know, how we've each it's kinda cool to see how we've each perceived our relationship with our dad and our family as we've all grown

Ashlee [00:20:56]:
up. Yeah. Do you guys feel like this job, like, dad's job specifically had an impact on our home life?

Kaity Standerfer [00:21:04]:
I think I definitely realized I had more rules than other kids had.

Brittany Nieft [00:21:08]:
Yeah. Yeah. I can agree to that.

Kaity Standerfer [00:21:10]:
Definitely like the like, way more strict than like like I said, like, my friend's house, I'd go over there, and she'd be like, we're going we're going out. And I would be like, well, don't we have to tell him what time like, what time do we have to be back here? And she would be like, we don't have to we don't know. We'll just get back when we get back. Like, it's fine. And I was like, no. No. This can't be right. This isn't no.

Ashlee [00:21:31]:
Yeah. For

Kaity Standerfer [00:21:31]:
sure. I just remember, like, stuff like that I that I didn't know other families didn't have those same rule.

Brittany Nieft [00:21:39]:
Yeah. That, and I think, like, appearance was always important. Right? Like, you you can't be, you can't go if we were going somewhere, you were dressed up. You looked done up. Your please and thank yous were on point, you do you weren't talking back, you were polite with everybody, things like that. Those are all, I think, things that stand out and not bad things. You know what I mean? Like,

Ashlee [00:22:01]:
I I

Brittany Nieft [00:22:02]:
try to instill that in my kids on as far as, like, please and thank yous and being polite and not talking back to, you know, people that are your senior or your teachers and stuff like that. So those are all, like, things that I think should be done, but I just I do think that that was something also that was you know, we didn't act out in public for sure. That was something that wasn't tolerated, Katie. Yeah.

Ashlee [00:22:27]:
I feel like poor Katie. I'm gonna have her on here and be like, do you wanna tell all your stories? Just let it out, Caitlin. Oh, man.

Kaity Standerfer [00:22:34]:
Oh, man. Oh, man.

Ashlee [00:22:35]:
Maybe hit in the face with a piece of steak and or chicken. That happened.

Brittany Nieft [00:22:41]:
You just didn't say no.

Ashlee [00:22:43]:
I just didn't say no. You didn't say no. That's for sure. In our family, you did not say no, and then it would come back in some way or form food or yelling. You know? I don't know. Sorry about that. I I don't think I'll ever forget that day, though. That is true.

Ashlee [00:22:59]:
One thing that I've always said that stood out to me in effect, so I present on this topic now. I go to a few different departments, and they have me present through the lens of being a child, which is so interesting to me. But one thing that I talked about in one of my presentations, and it's kinda stuck with me, was that notion of, like, dude, we weren't allowed to call dad, dude. Oh, yeah. You would instantly see those eyebrows turn in and he would be like, I'm not your dude. Right? And you were like, oh, god. But I said that in my presentation, and then and I was like, some of that again like, some of that is parenting. But I also just so, like, naturally said that, yes, some of that is just parenting.

Ashlee [00:23:34]:
However, like Katie said, I would go to a friend's house and I I would listen to them talk to their parents. And so many of them said, dude, like, that's a common word, right? To their parents. And I remember in my head, like, like probably body flinches of like, oh, you're oh, shit. Oh, you're about to get smacked, like, right in the face. And I said that in my presentation and one of she's like, she's almost retired. She's an officer. She's amazing. She literally spit out her drink and was like, that's exactly right.

Ashlee [00:24:03]:
Like, that's exactly right. That's what it is to be a child of a first responder. It's like, you yeah. I'm like, because I would've we would've gotten our yeah. We would not have made it

Brittany Nieft [00:24:12]:
to that. So Today's today's word is bro. Right?

Ashlee [00:24:15]:
Oh, mom, I can't fathom. Can you fathom?

Brittany Nieft [00:24:18]:
Done that to me a couple of times, and I don't know how fast. I probably almost broke my neck turn around and be like, excuse me? Like, like,

Ashlee [00:24:26]:
you know what I mean?

Kaity Standerfer [00:24:27]:
Yeah. I couldn't make the My son thinks it's hilarious. He he loves the word. They actually don't have a problem with it. Sometimes I'll be like, that's that's good. That's enough. You're saying it one too many times.

Brittany Nieft [00:24:37]:
I think it's in the context.

Kaity Standerfer [00:24:38]:
That's wonderful.

Ashlee [00:24:38]:
Because I'm pretty Yeah.

Kaity Standerfer [00:24:39]:
I'm like, what? Whatever.

Ashlee [00:24:42]:
Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Well and let's be, like, really honest here too. He has softened a lot. And so, like, I feel like the grandkids could say all that's in now, and he would be like, oh, that's so funny. That's so great. And then meanwhile, we're, like, PTSD triggered flashbacks of, like, you know,

Kaity Standerfer [00:24:59]:
sex. Yeah.

Brittany Nieft [00:25:00]:
Because I think about that all the time. Like, when the boys are over there and or all 3 you know, all the kids, all 5 of them are over there, and they're running around. And they'll do something, and I'll look at him real fast to see his face because I'm like, I'm waiting for it. I'm waiting for the hat to drop. But he and he knows this too because he's made you know, the second his voice goes up, even if he's not trying to do anything, those kids, they're crying and they drop you know? And so then he's like, oh god. I didn't even I didn't even yell. You know? So I just think his stature and just his voice in general is enough to get them to

Kaity Standerfer [00:25:37]:
to stop.

Ashlee [00:25:38]:
But That's fair. And, Britney, like, speaking on that topic, if you don't mind, was it different for you? So you're you had a child when dad was still active. So Anya got to grow up with dad being, you know, still a police officer and and working. Was that kind of a cool experience to have her be around that?

Brittany Nieft [00:25:59]:
Yeah. After.

Kaity Standerfer [00:26:01]:
Oh, well

Ashlee [00:26:02]:
After all,

Brittany Nieft [00:26:03]:
it's said and done. So, yeah, so my daughter, I had her at 19, so not ideal. Yes.

Ashlee [00:26:08]:
She

Kaity Standerfer [00:26:09]:
But let me

Ashlee [00:26:10]:
can I quickly interject here? Because this is actually a really important topic, and no, but not by any means am I gonna make you talk about it on here. That's your everyone's right. You know? However, I see this so often working with my police officers when they have a child who has a child young. I have that a lot. I also have a really big, like, you know, way of working with people who have children who now are coming out as, you know, being gay or being different in that aspect. And so it is very this is a very important thing. Emotional regulation skills for first responders, I think, are not there when it's their own child. Like, they could say it to other people, but when it's their own child, it's very, very different.

Ashlee [00:26:52]:
And and so I do think that that's an important topic. We I don't know that he knew how to handle any of that. And, again, not something we have to go in-depth with. But, yeah, I mean, you had him young. He did come back on the other side of it. And first off, she's wrapped around his damn finger. She has been wrapped around his finger since the day 15 years. Yeah.

Ashlee [00:27:12]:
I mean Yeah. Come on now. I mean,

Brittany Nieft [00:27:14]:
I just I feel like with how he was at home. Right? Like, you did you don't make mistakes. You are you you have your path and you follow your path. And although that path is you get good grades, you go to school, you graduate, you move on, you become a member of society. You know what I mean? Like, you do whatever it is that you wanna do, and that, you know, pregnant at 19 was not in the cards. And I, as you guys know, told them when I was out of state. Yeah.

Ashlee [00:27:46]:
First off,

Brittany Nieft [00:27:47]:
because when he was staying outside, I was there with

Ashlee [00:27:50]:
him to pick you up

Kaity Standerfer [00:27:52]:
from the airport, so you survived.

Ashlee [00:27:53]:
Like, you're welcome, Britney.

Brittany Nieft [00:27:55]:
You're welcome. I thought about not even coming home because that's how scared I was to come home and not deal with any of that. I could not even it was that that was probably the the scariest moment of my life. I'll tell you that right now. But here we are, and he loves her, and he loves all the kids. And like you said, he she could call him at any time of the day, and he'd drop everything. Even when she was little, man, he just he's always been the best, with all the kids, you know, wanting to do everything and teach them everything and, you know, all the things. And so, I mean, it has been a blessing, I think, because, you know, that's how how many extra years between the boys and her.

Brittany Nieft [00:28:37]:
So she got 9 extra years just with her and and the grandparents and yeah. So I don't

Ashlee [00:28:45]:
know what to do. One that got to experience, like, going to his police department.

Brittany Nieft [00:28:49]:
And Thank you. That's where we were going with that. I was like, where were we going with all

Ashlee [00:28:53]:
this stuff? Bring up my biggest trauma, Ashlee. I have to No. You know

Brittany Nieft [00:28:58]:
what I mean? You know? But I so, yeah, I loved I loved it because those Christmas parties that we used to go to as kids, I don't think he was Santa then. But when she was born, he was. And so I have many pictures of shop with the cop days where she was there, and he dressed up as Santa to give the kids all their gifts. And so I have a picture of him with her her sitting on Santa's lap, and it's dad. And so those pictures mean more than a $1,000,000 to me because, you know, my obsession with Christmas. I love Christmas. And if, you know, and Santa, if Santa was actually my dad, I'd just die. So for her to have those pictures would be so fun.

Brittany Nieft [00:29:44]:
So, yeah, I think that that's something she's grown up around and been comfortable with the idea of gun eat guns and gun education and gun control. And, you know, there's been pick we've gone to the shooting range multiple times with her growing up. And so

Ashlee [00:30:00]:
that's went last year again too. Yeah.

Brittany Nieft [00:30:03]:
Yeah. So that's something that I find important. So, yeah, I do think that she's gotten to be pretty spoiled through his job when he was working and even after.

Ashlee [00:30:16]:
Yeah. For sure. Thank you for sharing that. I do know that is a big topic for you, but I I do think there's some truth and some strength in people recognizing that. And I think it when I look at the grand scheme of things, like, I think in that moment, there was obviously a lot of emotions from different aspects of just being a parent, but then the emotion, like, of being a first responder, and I hear this all the time from all of my first responders is, like, I don't wanna be embarrassed.

Brittany Nieft [00:30:40]:
I don't

Ashlee [00:30:40]:
wanna be embarrassed. Right? But then they come to realize that, like, really, that's all that's their own stigma that they have to break. Right? Like, that's their own. And once they do, it's not even a big deal.

Brittany Nieft [00:30:51]:
Yeah. I think that that was a huge thing with me telling them was that, you know, you always acted in that public appearance of Mhmm. Your kids.

Kaity Standerfer [00:31:00]:
We were held to a higher standard.

Brittany Nieft [00:31:02]:
Yes. And it was it was obviously broken in that moment, but not, you know, in the end, not for a reason that was super horrendous. But Correct.

Ashlee [00:31:12]:
Correct. And and, Katie, like, you really were a very social butterfly. And you I mean, just like me, we had a lot of friends come through our house and stuff. And so Britney brought up a really good point of, like, guns. And I do think with this out there, like, I know everyone has their own opinions on this. I do think that I really, really appreciate the way dad raised us with that. He raised us with this respect for guns, how to appropriately handle them, to never be afraid of them. Right? Like, he did a great job with us girls in terms of that, but I just remember having friends come over.

Ashlee [00:31:44]:
Britney, I don't know. Maybe you did too, but I just remember having friends come over and being, like, home like, being shocked that there's guns in the house, and I would not even recognize it until, like, one of them would be like, it's like I think your dad's gun is maybe on top of the microwave, the damn microwave. He left it on the microwave. I don't know. Cutie, did you have any experiences like that? What are your thoughts on that?

Kaity Standerfer [00:32:06]:
I don't feel like anyone actually ever said anything to me. I don't I think, like, you know, his like, all of his shotguns were displayed in a locked up display case.

Ashlee [00:32:16]:
Right.

Kaity Standerfer [00:32:17]:
And I don't think they I don't think any of my friends even, like, noticed it if he'd left it on top of there. But I would you know, we were just so like, you don't touch them. You don't play with them. You don't Mhmm. These these can hurt people. You know? So, like, it wasn't even a thing to me. Like, it didn't even, like, think about

Ashlee [00:32:34]:
it at all. Correct. Yeah.

Kaity Standerfer [00:32:36]:
I must say, though, now I don't I don't own a gun. My husband doesn't own a gun. And so I feel like he still does teach my kids actually gun safety when he goes over to their house, which I appreciate because, you know, like, I don't it's not readily available to me to be like, oh, that's a gun. I don't think about it. It's not something I think about. So I do appreciate that he's still, like, he still, like, passes down that information about, like, you know, if you're if you're haunting, if you're doing anything, you don't point it at anyone. If you if they are out and about, you'd leave them be. You do not touch them.

Kaity Standerfer [00:33:11]:
You know, make sure they're always locked up. Don't it's not a toy. And so I do appreciate him for that fact, but, yeah, I don't think my friends ever, like, said anything to me. I think I, like, think I had some country friends who were like, oh, those are my shotguns.

Ashlee [00:33:26]:
I was just singing that. I'm like, okay. Why am I even asking this? All of them are, like, straight up country boys that were probably like, oh, yeah. Look at those. Like, yeah. For sure. That's true. That's a good point.

Ashlee [00:33:38]:
If you guys could give a tip to other children of first responders, what would that be for them?

Kaity Standerfer [00:33:44]:
That's a tough question.

Ashlee [00:33:45]:
It is a tough question. Right? But I think, like I mean, encompassing everything, like, Katie, you even said it earlier too, being like, I wasn't really worried until the world kinda started to crumble and people started to really show their opinions, things like that, like, looking big picture, even just within the home.

Kaity Standerfer [00:34:03]:
I feel like I would say, you know, I was more when everything was happening like that and I was, like, worried and, you know, I said I wanted to defend and stuff, I would say, like, you can go ahead and you can go ahead and say, like, you know, diffuse the situation by being like, I don't wanna talk about this. My dad is a police officer, and I think he's they're all great people. Like, I had a hard time, I feel like, speaking up for myself when people would talk badly or something. It kinda just, like, faded into the shadows. And I would say, like, don't be afraid. You can be proud of, like, who they are, and they can be your heroes. And, you know, don't don't be afraid to say all those good things about them because they are very they're the greatest people. You know?

Ashlee [00:34:48]:
Yeah. Yeah. For sure.

Brittany Nieft [00:34:51]:
Yeah. I think that I think rounding that out, I think that it's important to understand that they have you know, they are there to keep people safe. And sometimes, unfortunately, to keep people safe, they have to do the bad stuff. Right? They have to write the ticket. They have to make the arrest. They have to go and give bad news. And so I think that, it's important to highlight the fact that they are still people that should be praised as good people collectively. Of them.

Brittany Nieft [00:35:19]:
Yes. Of them. Right. And that, you know, as a child of a first responder that is a police officer, you know, whatever you're going through at home, you know, you're not alone with the with the rules and with the shifts that run into your dance recital or the holidays, you know, where you're having Christmas on the day after or something because they had to work. So just giving them support and being proud of them and being there to just maybe listen and not respond when they need something, that's all good things.

Ashlee [00:35:53]:
Yeah. Absolutely. I think those are great tips as well. And and just knowing that I my biggest thing and the biggest part about this podcast is knowing that you're not alone, that we all have things you know, I think we all have a lot of similarities as children of first responders. Obviously, some differences if our parent is a firefighter versus a police or EMS and things like that, but you're you're not alone in this. And it it can be overwhelming sometimes, and there's a lot of different factors, but I appreciate you guys sharing all of that. I actually had a a really good talk. We have some really cool things coming up for the show, so I'm super excited.

Ashlee [00:36:24]:
I haven't even shared them with you guys yet. So but we I had a Zoom meeting with this, oh, incredible woman the other day, and she was talking about this notion of police, like, getting first responder children together, specifically police children, and she had said that, like, she never recognized that police children often had, like, code words that and I don't know if you guys I remember. I don't know if I remember the word, to be honest, so, like, not bad. But code words, if, like, people were to pick us up from school or something that we would know, we did have that. I do remember mom talking to me, dad talking to me about that. I do have that. One thing when she said that I'm gonna test you guys. This is a test.

Ashlee [00:37:04]:
So let's see. That when she said that, that really stood out to me was when we would go to bigger places such as, like, 6 flags or Disney or family like, bigger places. What would he always say? He would say, if you get lost, where do you go? Come on. He would say it every time.

Kaity Standerfer [00:37:23]:
I know. I couldn't I can't remember if it was, like Security?

Brittany Nieft [00:37:27]:
I don't know. I don't remember him saying entrance?

Kaity Standerfer [00:37:30]:
Was that, like, the entrance or exit? Strollers.

Ashlee [00:37:32]:
Where the where they sold the strollers and stuff. Like, where are you renting?

Brittany Nieft [00:37:36]:
I don't remember that.

Ashlee [00:37:38]:
We'll never forget that. He I remember him saying it when

Kaity Standerfer [00:37:41]:
we got there, but you know me, I would just, like, be like, yeah. Sounds good.

Brittany Nieft [00:37:44]:
Like, yeah.

Ashlee [00:37:44]:
So I'm gonna walk away with, yeah, the stranger. No. Just kidding. But, yeah. I remember and, like, she said that, and, instantly, I was like, oh my gosh. Like, how true? Like, I remember him being always, like, go to the strollers. We'll meet at the strollers. We'll meet at the and I'll be like, okay.

Ashlee [00:38:00]:
I get it. Like, I don't plan on getting lost today, but I don't I

Brittany Nieft [00:38:04]:
don't remember them. I don't remember that. I thing.

Kaity Standerfer [00:38:08]:
So that if one of remember they dressed us the same? So if one of us got lost, it would be like, she's wearing the same exact outfit.

Brittany Nieft [00:38:14]:
Yeah.

Kaity Standerfer [00:38:14]:
Yeah. I mean, which is brilliant. But

Brittany Nieft [00:38:17]:
high school. Yeah. I don't remember. I remember mom, and I don't know if it was because she was more nervous about this with school, like, giving us the code word of you know, if somebody says, oh, your mom told me to come pick you up, we'd ask for the password.

Kaity Standerfer [00:38:33]:
Mhmm.

Ashlee [00:38:33]:
And I believe

Brittany Nieft [00:38:34]:
it was our first dog's name. And so I think but I just remember her saying that, but I don't I don't remember the strollers.

Kaity Standerfer [00:38:42]:
I remember her saying her that her saying that more too. Yeah. I also remember do you guys remember, like, we can never have our number in the phone book? We can never have

Brittany Nieft [00:38:51]:
them. I always felt like super spy because, like, nobody would never find us in the phone book.

Ashlee [00:38:56]:
And now you could just freaking Google anyway.

Kaity Standerfer [00:38:59]:
I know. I was like, oh my god.

Ashlee [00:39:00]:
Google. I should not say that. I'm like, on the pot, there's me. But you can really just Google. So, yeah, I didn't even think about that. That's a good one. We didn't, like, have our name with the phone book. Oof.

Ashlee [00:39:09]:
You're aging us, Caitlin. Jeez.

Kaity Standerfer [00:39:11]:
I know. Yeah.

Ashlee [00:39:13]:
I'm saying so I just I thought that was funny because I was just she was naming off all these things that, like, even still with doing this podcast, with talking to you guys, talking to other people, there are still things that come up that I'm like, oh my gosh. Yes. Like, nobody else expect like, did anyone else experience this? You know? And it's it's a really cool thing, so that's funny. Do you guys have any just as we end here, is there any kind of, like, funny stories, favorite things you wanna share, anything like that?

Kaity Standerfer [00:39:41]:
I don't I can't think of a funny one off the top of my head. I do have, like, some favorite things. It's like I love when we got to, like, dress up as little kids in our dad's stuff.

Ashlee [00:39:50]:
Like, we would all dress

Kaity Standerfer [00:39:51]:
up together in, like, the vest and how heavy that vest felt when you were, like, 5 years old. Like, you remember that, like, oh,

Ashlee [00:39:57]:
you have to wear this all day? Yes.

Kaity Standerfer [00:40:00]:
So I do like special moments like that. The fireworks, I I remember feeling like I was on top of the world, like, literally celebrity status.

Ashlee [00:40:12]:
Yes.

Kaity Standerfer [00:40:13]:
So those those are 2 of, like, my favorite things that come to the top of my head.

Brittany Nieft [00:40:18]:
Yeah. I don't know. I there's I can agree with the fireworks because they got us so close all the time. But I just think in general, like, it was always just fun because he'd be like, oh, like, I'm gonna I'm gonna show him my badge. And you know what I mean?

Ashlee [00:40:33]:
Like, to get a good parking spot

Brittany Nieft [00:40:35]:
or you know, it was just it was always and then you always felt like you were, like Katie said, like, VIP everywhere you went because it was, like, this the secret code that, you know, even people that weren't police officers, they'd see it, and they'd be like, oh, yeah. Okay. You're good. You're good. Like, he always seemed to know people. He always seemed to know exactly where we needed to go and, I mean, still does. And, yeah, just stuff like that whenever we go places.

Ashlee [00:41:01]:
That's such a fair statement. I didn't even think about that. But, yeah, like, he really did give us some pretty incredible opportunities. I know for me too, like, he would remember, he would just work so much overtime, so much overtime, but he would work that overtime. And if it was something that we could attend, especially at, like, the Sears Center or things like that, like, we would get, you know, for he would try his hardest, get us front row or get us Yeah. You know, in there. And and and we they really did truly make us feel special. But I also think that speaks to dad's character, because he knew so many people, but those people loved him.

Kaity Standerfer [00:41:32]:
Yeah.

Ashlee [00:41:32]:
Like, that's why we

Kaity Standerfer [00:41:33]:
got funny one. Thought of a funny

Ashlee [00:41:35]:
one. Yeah?

Brittany Nieft [00:41:36]:
Do you

Ashlee [00:41:36]:
wanna go?

Kaity Standerfer [00:41:36]:
He was working security for a car dealership, and he let us ride around on the, the what was it? The It was a golf cart. The golf carts. And I fell off the back, and I had to, like, get up and pretend I got nothing happened.

Ashlee [00:41:51]:
I do remember that. I do remember the golf cart. That was fun.

Kaity Standerfer [00:41:55]:
The golf cart. It was super fun, but I think that you were driving or or someone else was I do.

Ashlee [00:41:59]:
People let me do like, I'm the one who crashed everything. Why do I drive? I don't understand. But what about when we used to go I vaguely remember that I was so small. But what about when he was a school resource officer, and we used to watch how I married an axe murderer in his office?

Brittany Nieft [00:42:13]:
Oh, that was the That was fun. That was

Kaity Standerfer [00:42:15]:
a good time.

Brittany Nieft [00:42:16]:
That and then, he they he would take us to the gym, the gymnastics gym.

Ashlee [00:42:20]:
Yeah.

Brittany Nieft [00:42:20]:
Yes. Go through and go in the foam pit. That was always fun.

Kaity Standerfer [00:42:24]:
We're on the sidelines at the football game.

Brittany Nieft [00:42:26]:
Sidelines. Yes. At the football game.

Ashlee [00:42:28]:
I remember him, like, grabbing kids' masks, being, my daughters get played better than you, and being like, oh, and I'm, like, 5. Oh my god. And I'm, like, drinking all the Gatorade.

Kaity Standerfer [00:42:39]:
I'm drinking all the Gatorade, you know, while we're there.

Brittany Nieft [00:42:41]:
We'd have a whole new wardrobe by the time we left. We'd have hoodies and beads and, I mean, tattoos, all the stuff, pumps.

Ashlee [00:42:49]:
Yeah. Yeah. It was pretty cool having him as police police officer. That's for sure. So safe to say that there are so many beautiful positives from this too. And, hopefully, just like I appreciate you guys coming on today, sharing your story, allowing me to interview you. I know that, honestly, we could go we scraped the surface today. I think there's so many in-depth things that we're we're all getting to, but, I do appreciate you guys sharing your story.

Ashlee [00:43:14]:
And it's it's awesome for me to learn as well through your guys' lines of, like, how was it different? Like like we mentioned earlier, I am a little bit more on the worried side. I don't know why my brain can do that. It can pick out all the things, and worry about it where Katie was a little bit more like, we'll see. And Britney was a little bit more like, yeah. So I'm just gonna behave because I gotta behave, you know, like, so it's very interesting how that works, but I think that one thing's for sure, we're very blessed with the dad that we have, and the job that he did. And, I don't know. Is there anything else that you guys wanna say while we wrap this up?

Kaity Standerfer [00:43:49]:
I would like to say, I now have a 3 year old daughter, and, she's a little she's a little wild like her mom.

Ashlee [00:43:57]:
So I I get it a

Kaity Standerfer [00:43:58]:
little bit more now. No. I get a little bit more.

Ashlee [00:44:01]:
To be honest, I was gonna mention that I was gonna be like, Katie kinda got it back a little bit. Yeah.

Kaity Standerfer [00:44:06]:
He always laughs. He always says, This is great. I love this for you. And I say, thank you so much.

Ashlee [00:44:16]:
That's funny.

Kaity Standerfer [00:44:17]:
What a trader, though. One trader for the world. You know? Love loving little spear her her free spirit.

Ashlee [00:44:23]:
Absolutely. What about you, Britt? You got any other closing comments?

Brittany Nieft [00:44:28]:
I mean, in the end, good and the bad. I think all of it everything that he did, he instilled a lot of good things in all of us. We're we're all, like, stubborn to a capital s or t. You know? You tell us no, and we're like, guess what? We're gonna we're gonna do this. We can't do something. We're gonna do it 10 times better. And so that never settle, keep on going. That, I will always be grateful for him for because, you know, there's been some downsides, you know, to having a kid at 19 years old.

Brittany Nieft [00:45:07]:
But here I am. I'm a nurse, and I'm in my master's degree program. And I have 3 kids, and you just make it happen. You know what I mean? But Yeah. Yeah. I do appreciate I wouldn't change it for anything. I appreciate everything that he's given us tangibly and through values, and I'll forever be thankful.

Ashlee [00:45:25]:
I'm so thankful you said that. That work ethics that we have, I think, is pretty unmatched sometimes. It's an honor. I being the baby of the family, I've learned so much from both of you, and and I know it comes from them. And it's, you know, we really all have kind of persevered to be where we are today, which is a really beautiful thing, but I thank you both for your time. I know Britney's little ones were definitely trying to hop on a few times and, you know, Katie's maybe that they haven't come down yet, but

Brittany Nieft [00:45:52]:
Oh, good. I thank

Ashlee [00:45:54]:
you both. I love those kids so much. I hope that people listening to this can feel our connection and see what it's like. There's a lot of things coming for when the call hits home, so please please please keep listening. We have some really great things coming. We have some resources coming your guys' way that the listeners, I think, like, everybody really needs to hear. So I'm super pumped about that. But the most important thing to always remember is that when the call hits home, Jennifer and I are here for you guys, and we can't wait for you guys to catch the next episode.

Ashlee [00:46:20]:
Thank you.