ENYTinG Gender - Leticia Francis - October 2024

Welcome. To the ENYTinG Gender Podcast. I'm your host Sharmin Prince and this is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and today we're going to have a critical conversation with our guests.

And Domestic Violence Awareness Month is a time that is dedicated to recognizing and address this pervasive issue of domestic violence.

This month serves as a powerful reminder of the critical need for awareness, education, and action to support survivors and prevent further abuse.

Domestic violence is defined as an abusive behavior in any relationship, used by one partner to gain or maintain control over another intimate partner.

The statistics, alarming, one in three women and one in four men in the United States have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.

On a typical day, more than 20,000 phone calls are placed to the domestic violence awareness hotline globally. I'm sorry nationwide.

70% of domestic violence incidents result in physical injury. Today, we have the opportunity to amplify the voice of a survivor.

This conversation aims to shed light on personal narratives, offering insight with a man more than twice her age who later married her and that was the beginning of the turbulent she experienced in life for nearly two decades.

Despite her story being full of unbelievable events she's grateful for every experience as they brought her closer to her purpose.

Now as an advocate against abuse and mindset coach and a market research strategist she's passionate about helping women finally exit survival mode so they can start thriving experiencing the fulfillment they've

desire in their lives. Paticia, welcome to the AnythingGen, podcast. And is there anything that you would like to add to that bio?

@7:16 - Leticia Francis

First of all, thank you so much for having me and facilitating such an important conversation. And the only thing that I would add to that bio is I don't consider myself a survivor.

I tell people I drive despite the abuse that I endured. And for that, I'm grateful because it's allowed me to be a voice to those who are voiceless.

Abuse is a silent suffering. And I think this conversation is so important to, you know, mark the fact that it's

October, domestic violence awareness month, but it's a conversation that we need to have 12 months a year because it's so prolific and we don't go deep enough into these conversations.

So thank you.

@8:16 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

You're welcome. Why do you think we don't go deep enough into these conversations?

@8:26 - Leticia Francis

I think there is a lack of understanding. I'm not even going to say that I'm going to call it a spade a spade.

is blanket ignorance in relation to abuse and as a result people don't take it seriously enough. I know from my circumstances and my situation because of the age difference I was blamed for the atrocities that I experienced and that came as a

rack result of the ignorance in relation to abuse. So because people are not aware of how hard hitting and the residual impacts of abuse, it's easy to brush it over.

It's similar to drug addiction, right? We only care when it's our family members. We only care when it hits him and that mindset is often why a lot of people stay because there's not enough compassion, there's not enough empathy for people who are experiencing this.

So it's easy to keep quiet. It's easy to ignore and sweep under the rug because essentially we've grown up in cities where they've made it okay to keep what happens behind closed doors, behind closed

doors. And in some instances, that's fine. I don't want my five and six-year-old out of her sling of my business in the streets.

However, when it comes to protecting me as a human, this is my basic human right, it's often ignored because of where the violence happens.

@10:19 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

And that's unfortunate. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for you've read so many points and I want to highlight our socialization, the impact of socialization, because a child may have heard in the home.

You don't take what happened in the home, out of the home. And because it was not in context, you become a teenager, you could become an adolescence, and you still have that belief system that what happens behind closed door remains there.

So when you're being abused you don't want to let anyone know and also the shame and the guilt that is attached to it.

You want to unpack that a little?

@11:12 - Leticia Francis

Oh gosh, so speaking from my own experience, the very first time I experienced any sort of violence in my relationship, I was 15 and I knew that that is not how relationships should be.

I knew a man should not put his hands on me. Because of the dynamics of my relationship and the age gap, I was forced to keep my relationship kind of under wraps in the first place.

@11:47 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

So there was this guilt that I wasn't supposed to be in this space in the first place.

@11:54 - Leticia Francis

And the shame associated with you know this is not a healthy the situation yet you're doing nothing about it.

So as a person experiencing this there is this battle internally because there is an awareness that I shouldn't be hit, I shouldn't be treated like this but what do I do especially if maybe one time I might have mentioned it to a friend and they shamed me or judged me it increases this feeling of guilt and shame because you are forced to hide what's actually going on with you because you can't trust that people are going to be empathetic and compassionate and provide a solution that isn't attached to judgment.

@12:56 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

Oh good, let's say I'm a listener's may say, well, I don't know how to provide support without judgment as a survivor in those moments when you're sharing, either with friends or family.

What tips can we give to our listeners on providing support without judgment?

@13:26 - Leticia Francis

I think it comes down to understanding that our role in life is not always to awful solution. Oftentimes, I think the reason why people insert judgment is because they're trying to find a solution.

So they're walking through their limited knowledge of how to help in a situation. And it's understandable. I think most people come from a point

From a good intention, but because there is a lack of understanding and a lack of knowledge They often try to insert solutions that are not always valid And I I think this is very important for the listeners to understand Until a person is ready to walk away from their situation You can beg, plead, you can shame, you can do whatever you like It will not change the actions of the victim They have to be ready and I always cycle back to drug addiction, right?

It's the same with an addict until they reach rock bottom and they're ready to change their lives It's fallen on deaf ears.

So with that in mind Also a listening ear acts for permission to provide a solution ask permission to provide input, but other than that sit and listen because sometimes all a victim needs is to be seen and heard.

@15:16 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

Thank you for that because that is so important and often times we are hearing or we are listening, I don't even know if we are listening, we're hearing to fix and I don't know if it's a cultural thing but often times I may not need you to fix what's happening as you said I just want to be heard and seen and according to the statistics a woman leaves seven to ten times leave the return on

until she finally leaves for God and there's a lot of shaming when women return to the abuser or perpetrator.

How can we help our listeners to understand that within the abusive relationship there is codependency for whatever reason and a victim returning it's not that she's stupid or she likes the abuse because I heard that.

It's because there is a level of codependency. Can you expand on that?

@17:00 - Leticia Francis

Victims, let's just say humans in general, we get attached to what becomes our status crew. Oftentimes we operate in chaos, but that's usual for us.

We operate in toxic environments, but that becomes usual for us. When we are immersed in circumstances for quite a long time, we learn to adjust our lives and our behaviors and the way that we show up in the world so that it's congruent with the environment that we find ourselves in.

So leaving often puts us in a place of unfamiliarity. I can't really say that word. very uncomfortable. So we go back to what we know, part and parcel to that codependency.

If we are relying on an external factor to provide us happiness, once that is removed, we often cannot function.

So we return back to that place that is providing us the happiness, even if it comes with chaos and toxicity.

So walking away is not something that happens right away. It's not something that someone does without often with a prior planning.

You need time to adjust to that new normal. And though it's healthy is terrifying because it's a

@19:00 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

catch the unknown. Thank you. We have a victim that is listening. Let's say a victim who is currently in that situation, listening to the podcast.

What do we say to them?

@19:24 - Leticia Francis

First, want to say that you are not alone in the things that you are experiencing. Abuse often has us feeling like we are an island, that we are isolated and no one understands.

But there are communities of people who have overcome what you have overcome. And we are here speaking up so that you have a voice.

I want you to know the certainty that better times are coming, and it comes down to you making a decision what you want for your life.

And it's really hard sometimes because I don't want to push an agenda on anybody because I understand that until you're ready, it's going to fall on deaf ears.

But I think the most important thing to say is you are seen, you are heard, you are not alone, and help is available.

@20:36 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

Thank you for sharing that. And if I may add, yes, you may not be ready, but creating that plan for when you're ready is important.

And I want to ask a

@21:00 - Leticia Francis

question leticia that what was that turning point for you the force you to leave for me it was being stabbed and that was the reality for me I had had a plan in place and I had had a plan in place for almost two years I had decided I grew up in Bermuda this abuse of card in Bermuda and I had planned to go to the US apply for multiple universities and tell him I was going to one university and I was actually given to another that was my escape plan he found out about it before that happened and he told me that the only way that I

I was going to walk out of that relationship or the only way that I was going to lead that relationship was in a body bag.

Sitting after the incident, after being stabbed, I had nowhere to go for that night, for that period. And I was taken to a homeless shelter by the police.

And I was sitting in a cold room alone, recognizing that someone who loved me would not draw a knife on me.

Someone who loved me would not draw blood from me. Someone who loved me would not lie about stabbing me while they still had my blood on their shirt.

That was what made me realize that I had been blinded all this time. There was no love there. This man.

tried to kill me but until that happened i always justified it maybe i'm a too little cheeky i've got too much mouth you know i created this circumstance but sitting alone with no help from my family sitting alone having to be honest with my employer that my husband just stabbed me sitting alone helped me realize that i was in a circumstance that was going to kill me if i did not leave thank you for sharing that um and could we just take a deep breath and for that because i had a flashback um you know

@24:00 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

So just let's take a deep breath in and out. Another deep breath in and out. Thank you. Thank you.

And after that incident and you walked away, what were some of the residual effects of that domestic violence relationship?

Because it's not something we talk about.

@24:44 - Leticia Francis

No. Because I entered into that relationship at such a young age, but a pivotal time in my development, walking away from that

at marriage. I was naive in thinking and simply walking away would solve my problems. However, I am now an adult.

And for the first time as an adult, I was forced to define who I was. Before that relationship, I was someone's child.

For seven years, I was someone's girlfriend, someone's fiance or someone's wife. Now that that relationship ended, my relationship with my parents had been severed.

I didn't know who I was as an adult. And it should have been seen as a great opportunity to redefine myself.

But because I didn't get help right away, I thought just simply walking away would was the solution. I was left sitting in those raw emotions that I had been carrying for years, the shame, the guilt, the anger, the disappointment in self and what that looked like for me was alcohol abuse and promiscuity.

I laid my trauma on a bed or I laid my trauma on the bar and I was functioning but I was spiraling and I didn't realize it at that point because the immediate threat was gone but the damage it did to the internal portions of me it amplified without that support, with all that help.

just swept it up. I got to pick myself up and I had to keep moving. So what it looked like was being on a conveyor belt through how there's no way to get off.

I wouldn't stay at home because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. So I was on the streets.

I was on the bars. I was in someone's bed to silence the noise that was going on in my head.

And that went on for 15 years. Stokey to note, my abuse lasted seven. The residual impacts lasted twice as long.

And the only thing that forced me to get help was I had found myself in another relationship very similar.

There was no physical abuse, but there were financial abuse because he was an addict there was emotional abuse because I was dealing with an addict and I ended up in jail As a result and my mom came to visit me in jail and she said to me Why do you love everyone else more than you love yourself?

That was a Mike Tyson buddy blue. She vended me with that comment But it was the realization like I need to learn how to put myself first I don't know how to do that my ability to do that was stripped away from me during the abuse But it's my responsibility to figure it out and It was me working with a coach and a counselor To work through my trauma to come to terms with my trauma before I was able to

Reduce the residual impacts of the abuse and I the reason why I say reduce is because I'm not rid of it I'm still triggered.

I'm still triggered I'm still I still struggle with trust, right? But because I have worked through my trauma. I'm aware of my triggers Right, I'm aware of why I tend to be on the back foot with people Which allows me to make different decisions But that residual impact is have a lesson and I you know, they it's a word for it survival made We get stuck in fight-and-flight Without realizing it and that's how we show up every day every single day Looking for this threat That may or may not exist

@30:00 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

Thank you. Thank you. There's so much to unpack from what you said, because oftentimes we believe that, okay, we're out of the relationship and we might go to a program, we're in a program, and after that, we are fine.

I remember years ago saying to someone, because you went to a program, you're healed. And especially if it's an inpatient program, because when you leave the inpatient program, it's just like addiction, you're exposed to all the triggers, all the threats, things that threatened you in the past, all the things that can re-traumatize you.

And it's important to have follow-up support. I can say there are times that maybe three, four years, every three or four years, I need to get some support because something triggers me and I need that support.

So I just wanna thank you for unpacking so much about the residual impact of DV. And for being so vulnerable and honest, it's not healing from trauma, it's not an event, it's a process, and even though it might have been 10 years, I had a flashback earlier, that's why I asked that we breathe.

And I think that I have been healed, I think that I've overcome. come, I can identify my traumas, but this is not a conversation that we have often.

I can speak for me because, you know, you mask it.

@32:13 - Leticia Francis

You know, someone said something very interesting to me that it made sense, right? And it's two parts. First of all, trauma lives with in the body and it is just like energy, right?

cannot be destroyed. It can only be transferred, right? Trauma acts in the same way. If we don't address our trauma, it stays in our body and it shows up, it transfers into our actions, into our behaviors, into who we become as humans.

But the other part of that, which is why the healing journey is so important, but the other part of that is healing is not a death.

destination. It is an ongoing journey, right? And as oftentimes we, because you said it just now, and it's not me, you know, poking at it, but you said, I thought I was healed.

We never heal because our trauma never dies. So it's a daily battle similar to addiction. We have to make a choice, not to fall victim to the traumas that we have experienced, to live beyond that.

And in doing so, hurting ourselves are comfortable to be the highest version of ourselves, which means that we need to embrace healing on a daily basis.

@33:57 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

Beautiful, because as you're you're speaking I usually say healing it's like the onion you peel the first layer and it may take another five years for you to get to the the second layer and come and then until you get to the core and you may never get to the core also the there there's new research on the epigenetics of trauma where we have it in our genes our four parents our mothers who live in the in in an era where you know what happens in in the house stays in the house and you don't hang your dirty laundry in public but they they they didn't process their traumas but they handed it to us genetically

So here we are exposed to domestic violence, exposed to whatever other traumas and it might be a weird dealing with ours and those of our four parents.

@35:15 - Leticia Francis

Which is why it's so important to heal, right, because trauma can be passed down for eight generation. That's a lot of years and if we are compounding trauma on top of that my great granddaughter is gonna be in trouble if I don't spend the time to heal, right?

I lived my grandest trauma for years and not because she experienced abuse. She experienced torment in relation to to racism, which then got passed on to me as the strong black woman.

You don't see no one's seizure weakness. That to some, maybe like something to celebrate. But this compounded trauma, I'm at him getting my beat, but I can't let my weak slip.

Why? Because I'm holding on to my granny's trauma. I've developed this wall that I celebrate because I'm the strong black woman unbreakable.

But that's not my trauma.

@36:48 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

That's my granny's.

@36:50 - Leticia Francis

So understanding that we have a responsibility to ourselves and to future generations to this world. to heal ourselves, having that information in mind?

@37:05 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

Yes, yes. What are the first steps to healing, to encourage victims, to encourage some listeners who have experienced domestic violence, have not...

I've heard person said, I don't need to speak to anyone. I don't need counseling. I don't need therapy. I don't need coaching, but they are living.

When you listen to them, when you see their behaviors, when you experience interaction with them, you have a feeling, you're confronted with their traumas.

How do we speak to them?

@38:01 - Leticia Francis

awareness is key, right? And it goes back to that ignorance. Ignorance is bliss, awareness is key. If they are unaware that they are operating in their trauma, there's nothing to change for them.

And it may be me being a really good friend and calling you up on your behaviors because I need you to be aware that you're not operating in your heart yourself.

You are operating from a place of trauma. I can't you see that. I can't make you embrace that. But I think we have a responsibility to those we love to be honest.

We also have a responsibility to ourselves to be honest. Oftentimes, the reason why we are able to operate so deeply in the deep-rooted trauma that we experience is because it masks the fact that we often don't know ourselves as a result of the trauma.

We often don't trust ourselves as a result of the trauma. We often don't like ourselves as a result of the trauma and we don't accept our trauma.

So, the first steps is getting to know, like, trust and accept yourself. Earning what you've been through is the first key and the reason why I don't call myself a victim is because I recognize that victim mentality is what kept me stuck for 15 years.

As long as you identify as a victim, you are not in control of the outcome. actions you take in life.

So it's really about coming to terms with what you've gone through, reducing the labels that you attach to yourself as a result of what you've gone through, and spending that time getting to know who you are outside of those labels that you might have already placed on yourself, outside of the trauma that you might have experienced, outside of the shame that people might have dumped on you as a result, getting to know who you are, not defining that by societal means, but by what makes you feel good inside.

Once you have identified who you are and who you wanna be, start liking yourself. And that may not be easy.

Most of us don't like the person that's looking back in the mirror, but taking time to spend that time to nurture that inner relationship, start loving you despite your flaws, getting to exhale,

that although you have been through these experiences they do not define where you go next and if you can do that be honest with yourself that's when you start to transfer that trauma into something that's going to serve you and where you want to go.

I think it all comes down to that vision of what you want for your life beyond the experience.

@41:34 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

So if I heard you correctly can we say that it is important to have self-awareness, develop self-confidence, do the work with the process of self-discovery, peeling those layers,

On masking, because domestic violence or any kind of trauma forces us to mask, to wear the mask. And oftentimes we believe that the mask that we wear is who we are.

What caused you to become an advocate?

@42:31 - Leticia Francis

So interesting. I started a business and I struggled for many years with being seen. And I couldn't understand why.

And in a conversation with someone who simply asked me a question like, where did it start for you struggling to be seen was when I realized.

My trauma was showing up again and the way that it showed up was like, I actually couldn't draw an instant parallel until somebody questioned me.

But in the journey of being okay with being seen, it was suggested that I start sharing my story. And this was really just to get me comfortable with what may come with any type of exposure.

So I started telling my story and I actually didn't think that my story was, you know, off-shattering. I didn't think anything of it.

But the feedback that I got as a result was like, wow, this is life-changing. And I decided to write a book.

I wrote a memoir, which is yet to be published. And in writing, it was like this story isn't mine meaning I believe in a higher power I believe in God and I believe that everything that we go through is actually a master class for someone else that's what I think self-actualization is right like you go through life you learn these lessons and then you pass lessons on to someone else I don't care about a pyramid I just think it's get into a state in life where you realize that you your uniqueness can be impactful to others so as I processed the feedback I realized you know what this is my calling like I didn't struggle for 20 plus years to just sit silent and I've always been to it I'm too much I'm too

No, I'm too this. I'm too that. So why don't I use my loveliness to speak up for people who can't speak for themselves?

Why don't I use my too muchness to be built enough to speak about things that no one wants to talk about?

And I came to that realization that every part of me was born to advocate for someone else. Every part of my story was meant to be used for someone else.

And that's my purpose in life, in life. I believe that we're all here to change the world in some way.

closing quote for every podcast I've ever done is, walk as if every step you take is about to create an avalanche because boo, you are here to change the world.

And I would be a hypocrite if I was in stomping through life as a result of being able to thrive beyond the things that I have experienced.

@46:00 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

Thank you so much. Is there anything else you want to share with our listeners?

@46:08 - Leticia Francis

I want to just encourage everyone on the back of that last conversation that it is our responsibility to turn our mess into our message, our test into our testimony and our experiences into hope and inspiration for someone else.

And I'm not encouraging you to get on the next podcast, but I'm encouraging you to be honest with yourself and think about how you can be impactful to others because everything that we go through in life is meant to define who we are tomorrow.

Embrace who you can be tomorrow, but in the same breath, give back in some way. Even if it's you smiling to someone on the street that you know is having a bad day or offering an ear to someone to listen.

You don't have to be as impactful as other people in this space, but just think you survived for a reason.

You are alive for a reason. How can you celebrate that in a way that also helps someone else?

@47:31 - Sharmin Prince (ifioma@gmail.com)

Thank you so much, Leticia. You're welcome. This has been the ENYTinG Gender Podcast and we thank you for your time and we thank you for sharing, liking and subscribing.

Absolutely ideal.