Episode 9: Asking for Help (And Accepting It)
The Support & Kindness Podcast
| Greg Shaw | Rating 0 (0) (0) |
| https://kindnessRX.org | Launched: Nov 01, 2025 |
| greg1usa@gmail.com | Season: 1 Episode: 9 |
The Support and Kindness Podcast with Greg and Rich
Episode 9: Asking for Help (And Accepting It)
Hosts: Greg, Rich, Jay, Liam
Episode summary: This episode explores why asking for and accepting help feels hard, even when it’s the right move. The hosts dig into research on gender, age, and workplace dynamics, and share personal stories that show how fear of judgment, burdening others, and losing control often block us from reaching out. Crucially, they emphasize that we tend to underestimate how willing others are to help—and that both helpers and recipients benefit. The conversation closes with practical strategies for making the ask easier and building a culture of mutual support.
Key themes:
- We underestimate how willing people are to help
- Asking for help is often framed as weakness, but it’s a sign of strength and humility
- Gender and setting influence help-seeking behavior (home vs. workplace)
- Younger adults seek professional help more often than older adults
- Accepting help can preserve—not threaten—long-term independence
- Specific, time-bound requests and showing initial effort increase the likelihood of getting help
- Helping gives meaning and a “helper’s high,” and builds community trust
Research highlights mentioned:
- Pew Research (2025): Men and women turn equally to spouses for emotional support; women more likely to seek support from friends (54% women vs. 38% men).
- Younger adults (<50) more likely to seek professional mental health support than older adults (50+).
- Northwestern Medicine: Older adults often fear that seeking help signals loss of independence.
- Workplace dynamics: Women report asking for help more at home but less at work, concerned it may signal weakness or inequality.
- Stanford and others: People greatly underestimate how willing others are to help; helpers often experience a “helper’s high.”
Noteworthy quotes and observations by each participant:
Greg:
- Quote: “We’re usually wrong. Research from Stanford and others show that people greatly underestimate how willing other people are to help.”
- Observation: People often misjudge the cost to others while overlooking the benefits helpers feel; asking is an act of trust that many appreciate.
- Key point: Be specific about what help you need—unclear requests make people wary.
Rich:
- Quote (paraphrasing Obama): “Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength that shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something and to learn something new.”
- Observation: Aging men commonly struggle to ask for help due to independence concerns; maintaining a support network matters.
- Key point: Make your ask small, specific, and time-based—and show you’ve put in effort first. The Chris Rock “push the car” example illustrates that visible effort invites assistance.
Jay:
- Quote: “I had to ask for help quite a bit in going to rehab… over 20 times. As an adult, it made it much easier for me to ask for help.”
- Observation: His mother’s deep independence makes asking for help physically painful in the workplace; losing control triggers distress.
- Key point: 12-step programs emphasize giving back; facilitating others’ access to support (rides, meetings) strengthens community and normalizes help-seeking.
Liam:
- Quote: “Even simple things as taking a wheelchair ride… I would decline it… and then hurt myself trying to walk this crazy distance.”
- Observation: Accepting help can prevent harm and is an act of self-advocacy; gratitude and making the experience positive for helpers encourages future support.
- Key point: Paying it forward and being gracious keeps the help cycle going; seeing others offer help unprompted can nudge us to ask next time.
Main takeaways:
- Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.
- We often misread others’ willingness to help; most people want to be useful and feel good when they can assist.
- Where and with whom we ask for help varies—women report asking more at home, less at work; men often struggle more with independence concerns as they age.
- Being turned down doesn’t mean failure—schedules and constraints are real. Ask again or ask someone else.
- Normalize help-seeking in communities and workplaces to reduce stigma and improve outcomes.
- Accepting help preserves energy, safety, and long-term independence.
Practical tips to ask and accept help:
- Make it specific: “Could you review this one-page summary by 3 pm?”
- Time-bound the request: Define start and end (e.g., “15 minutes,” “this afternoon”).
- Show effort: Briefly share what you’ve tried and where you’re stuck.
- Offer reciprocity: “Happy to help you with X next week.”
- Start small: Micro-asks reduce pressure and make saying yes easier.
- Be gracious: Thank people clearly; follow up to share the impact.
- Build a support habit: Keep connections active—friends, peers, counselors, groups.
- Reframe rejection: It’s often about timing or capacity, not your worth.
Episode highlights (bullet points):
- Why asking for help is hard: fear of judgment, burdening others, losing control
- Evidence that we misjudge helpers’ willingness and the benefits they feel
- Gender and workplace dynamics: women ask more at home, less at work; men more hesitant with age
- Personal stories: addiction recovery, mobility challenges, workplace independence
- How to make better asks: specific, time-bound, with visible effort
- The give-and-take of community support: serving others reduces guilt when it’s your turn to ask
Call to action:
- How do you handle asking for help—easy or challenging? Share your thoughts and topic suggestions at kindnessrx.org.
- If you can, support local needs (e.g., food pantries) and keep the cycle of helping going.
Listen next week for another conversation on building a kinder world—one week at a time.
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Episode Chapters
The Support and Kindness Podcast with Greg and Rich
Episode 9: Asking for Help (And Accepting It)
Hosts: Greg, Rich, Jay, Liam
Episode summary: This episode explores why asking for and accepting help feels hard, even when it’s the right move. The hosts dig into research on gender, age, and workplace dynamics, and share personal stories that show how fear of judgment, burdening others, and losing control often block us from reaching out. Crucially, they emphasize that we tend to underestimate how willing others are to help—and that both helpers and recipients benefit. The conversation closes with practical strategies for making the ask easier and building a culture of mutual support.
Key themes:
- We underestimate how willing people are to help
- Asking for help is often framed as weakness, but it’s a sign of strength and humility
- Gender and setting influence help-seeking behavior (home vs. workplace)
- Younger adults seek professional help more often than older adults
- Accepting help can preserve—not threaten—long-term independence
- Specific, time-bound requests and showing initial effort increase the likelihood of getting help
- Helping gives meaning and a “helper’s high,” and builds community trust
Research highlights mentioned:
- Pew Research (2025): Men and women turn equally to spouses for emotional support; women more likely to seek support from friends (54% women vs. 38% men).
- Younger adults (<50) more likely to seek professional mental health support than older adults (50+).
- Northwestern Medicine: Older adults often fear that seeking help signals loss of independence.
- Workplace dynamics: Women report asking for help more at home but less at work, concerned it may signal weakness or inequality.
- Stanford and others: People greatly underestimate how willing others are to help; helpers often experience a “helper’s high.”
Noteworthy quotes and observations by each participant:
Greg:
- Quote: “We’re usually wrong. Research from Stanford and others show that people greatly underestimate how willing other people are to help.”
- Observation: People often misjudge the cost to others while overlooking the benefits helpers feel; asking is an act of trust that many appreciate.
- Key point: Be specific about what help you need—unclear requests make people wary.
Rich:
- Quote (paraphrasing Obama): “Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength that shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something and to learn something new.”
- Observation: Aging men commonly struggle to ask for help due to independence concerns; maintaining a support network matters.
- Key point: Make your ask small, specific, and time-based—and show you’ve put in effort first. The Chris Rock “push the car” example illustrates that visible effort invites assistance.
Jay:
- Quote: “I had to ask for help quite a bit in going to rehab… over 20 times. As an adult, it made it much easier for me to ask for help.”
- Observation: His mother’s deep independence makes asking for help physically painful in the workplace; losing control triggers distress.
- Key point: 12-step programs emphasize giving back; facilitating others’ access to support (rides, meetings) strengthens community and normalizes help-seeking.
Liam:
- Quote: “Even simple things as taking a wheelchair ride… I would decline it… and then hurt myself trying to walk this crazy distance.”
- Observation: Accepting help can prevent harm and is an act of self-advocacy; gratitude and making the experience positive for helpers encourages future support.
- Key point: Paying it forward and being gracious keeps the help cycle going; seeing others offer help unprompted can nudge us to ask next time.
Main takeaways:
- Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.
- We often misread others’ willingness to help; most people want to be useful and feel good when they can assist.
- Where and with whom we ask for help varies—women report asking more at home, less at work; men often struggle more with independence concerns as they age.
- Being turned down doesn’t mean failure—schedules and constraints are real. Ask again or ask someone else.
- Normalize help-seeking in communities and workplaces to reduce stigma and improve outcomes.
- Accepting help preserves energy, safety, and long-term independence.
Practical tips to ask and accept help:
- Make it specific: “Could you review this one-page summary by 3 pm?”
- Time-bound the request: Define start and end (e.g., “15 minutes,” “this afternoon”).
- Show effort: Briefly share what you’ve tried and where you’re stuck.
- Offer reciprocity: “Happy to help you with X next week.”
- Start small: Micro-asks reduce pressure and make saying yes easier.
- Be gracious: Thank people clearly; follow up to share the impact.
- Build a support habit: Keep connections active—friends, peers, counselors, groups.
- Reframe rejection: It’s often about timing or capacity, not your worth.
Episode highlights (bullet points):
- Why asking for help is hard: fear of judgment, burdening others, losing control
- Evidence that we misjudge helpers’ willingness and the benefits they feel
- Gender and workplace dynamics: women ask more at home, less at work; men more hesitant with age
- Personal stories: addiction recovery, mobility challenges, workplace independence
- How to make better asks: specific, time-bound, with visible effort
- The give-and-take of community support: serving others reduces guilt when it’s your turn to ask
Call to action:
- How do you handle asking for help—easy or challenging? Share your thoughts and topic suggestions at kindnessrx.org.
- If you can, support local needs (e.g., food pantries) and keep the cycle of helping going.
Listen next week for another conversation on building a kinder world—one week at a time.
A candid, research-backed conversation on why asking for and accepting help feels hard—and how to make it easier. Greg, Rich, Jay, and Liam explore gender and workplace dynamics, age-related fears about independence, and the common mistake of underestimating others’ willingness to help. Personal stories—from addiction recovery to mobility challenges—underscore practical tips: make specific, time-bound requests, show effort, be gracious, and keep support networks active.
Greg
00:00 - 00:14
Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Support and Kindness Podcast. I'm Greg and in the room we've got Rich, we've got Jay and we've got Liam. Today we're talking about asking for help and accepting it. But let me ask you a question.
Greg
00:15 - 00:34
When was the last time that you really needed some help and you didn't ask for it? Maybe you were swamped at work or overwhelmed at home, or you were confused about something and you thought, I should ask for help, but then you didn't. You told yourself, I'll figure it out, they're too busy, or I don't want to look stupid. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone.
Greg
00:34 - 01:00
Today we're going to talk about one of the simplest but hardest things, and that's asking for and accepting help. It should be easy, but it's not, and the data shows that it's complicated by gender, age and setting. A 2025 Pew Research study found that men and women are likely to turn to a spouse for emotional support equally, but women are more likely to turn to a friend. 54% of women versus 38% of men.
Greg
01:00 - 01:26
And adults under 50 are more likely to seek help from mental health professionals than those aged 50 and above. Northwestern medicine research suggests that older adults worry about seeking help because that might be a first step towards losing their independence. And we also change who we ask depending on where we are. One study found that women ask for help more at home, but less often at work, fearing it will make them seem weaker or less equal.
Greg
01:26 - 01:39
The barriers are fear of judgment, being a burden or losing control. But here's the key point. We're usually wrong. Research from Stanford and others show that people greatly underestimate how willing other people are to help.
Greg
01:39 - 01:50
We worry about inconveniencing people, but helpers often get a positive or a helper's high from assisting us. Today we'll unpack all of this and we'll share our own stories. When do we ask for help? When don't we?
Greg
01:50 - 01:59
And how can we get better at asking for and then accepting help? But I'm not alone in doing this. I'm here with my co-hosts Rich, Jay and Liam. So welcome everyone.
Greg
02:00 - 02:07
I want to hand it over to Rich. Rich, what's your first reaction? Are you good at asking for help or do you suffer in silence?
Rich
02:07 - 02:22
Well, a couple of things that you pointed out. As I get older, I fall into that category of being a man getting close to 50 that's struggling to ask for help. That's a category that men fall into. And you said women are more likely to turn to a friend and ask for help.
Rich
02:22 - 02:41
I try, and through my support groups and things like that, I try and keep in touch with my friends. Keep in touch with my support network and be willing to ask for help when I need it. Reach out whether it's to a counselor or to a peer or something. It's important that we do turn to friends for help.
Rich
02:42 - 02:53
That's something that men need to do. And another point that you make. that men are less likely to ask for help. You mentioned something about women being less likely to ask for help in the workplace.
Greg
02:53 - 03:03
Is that gender bias, asking for help in the workplace? Maybe it makes them feel less equal or inferior, but statistics does hold that out. They're less likely to ask for help at work than they are at home.
Rich
03:03 - 03:14
Losing our independence is a concern. I certainly struggle with that. There's a quote that I came across when preparing for this week about the benefits of asking for help. Don't be afraid to ask questions.
Rich
03:14 - 03:27
Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength that shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something and to learn something new.
Rich
03:27 - 03:50
That was a quote by Barack Obama. I found that quote very interesting because you've got a man who reached, not to make this political, but who reached high office admitting that he needed to ask for help. There's great humility in that, to be able to admit that our purpose in life is to help others. And if we can't help others, you know, at least don't hurt others.
Greg
03:51 - 03:54
I love that. Yeah. Jay, what about yourself? Are you good at asking for help?
Jay
03:54 - 04:26
I consider myself very good at asking for help, but I'll give a specific example of that in the next few minutes. But I wanted to mention, since there's four men here, about my mother, who has been an independent woman for pretty much the majority of her life, and she falls very much into this category with work and refusing to ask for help. She's been so independent that it actually physically causes her pain to ask for help, especially in the workplace. And she's well known in the workplace for getting stuff done.
Jay
04:26 - 04:46
But as soon as she loses the slightest bit of control, she seems to spiral and become depressed when she doesn't have everything under control, things aren't going her way. And I don't mean this in a negative way towards her. It just reinforces that I think women have a lot of trouble asking for help as opposed to men.
Greg
04:46 - 04:48
Especially in the workplace. Yeah,
Jay
04:48 - 05:02
absolutely. Exactly. And, you know, she always she has problems at the workplace and she'll tell me about it, which, of course, is, you know, going to help from your family. But she would never utter a word to not being able to get something done to any co-workers or employees.
Jay
05:02 - 05:03
That's for sure.
Greg
05:03 - 05:07
Right. What about you, Liam? Are you good at asking for help or do you struggle with that?
Liam
05:07 - 05:28
I recently I have gotten so much better at asking for help. I probably little over three years ago. I, I say my baseline was horrible as far as asking for help. But once I had the onset of my condition and I really needed help, I found out quickly how.
Liam
05:29 - 06:03
detrimental, you know, not asking for help was even simple things as taking a wheelchair ride that was offered to me as you know, when I started out, I would decline it just because that was my nature. I wouldn't want to put a burden on somebody else or put anybody else out or make them feel sorry for me in any way. And then in turn, I would hurt myself because then I'd find myself trying to walk this crazy distance, which, you know, was no good for anybody. So.
Liam
06:03 - 06:31
I've learned so much in the past three years as far as advocating for myself, asking for help, not being scared to admit my condition or even without my condition. I really like what Rich and Jay said just about humanity, just giving help and receiving help. Man, if the world really worked that way, it would be a well-oiled machine.
Greg
06:31 - 06:55
absolutely you know there's that taking a blessing away from someone from being able to help as well i know each and every one of you guys personally and i know that in a heartbeat you would help anyone you'd help your fellow man and we get a lot of benefit from helping other people as well so we also take that blessing away when we don't ask for help but how can we get better at it any any thoughts rich how can we get better at doing that
Rich
06:56 - 07:25
Yeah, I think that making the ask small, specific, and time-based are tips that you brought up in our pre-recording meeting. Those are important. Putting in effort ahead of time I found helps quite a bit. I just remembered a quote, or I guess it's a joke more, from Chris Rock that, you know, he used to have horrible cars and They'd be broken down on the side of the highway and he'd try to flag someone down.
Rich
07:25 - 07:57
Nobody would stop, but if he got out and pushed them, people would pull over on the side of the road and help him along. You have to put in some effort yourself. And I think that in that he was making the ask small, but he was showing some effort and he was showing that he had put in some effort. If you say, tried this, I'm trying to accomplish this goal, I've attempted this, it hasn't worked, would you help me with X.
Rich
07:58 - 08:22
People are much more willing to help you when they hear that you've already applied yourself or put forth a little bit of effort in your failed task or your failed, like you said Liam, trying to put a wheelchair somewhere. If they see you struggling with it, they're going to come help you with it a lot quicker than if you're just sitting aimlessly behind your vehicle. They don't know that you need help getting it into your trunk.
Greg
08:22 - 08:38
Yeah I like the idea of being specific as well you're quite right in that if you just say I need some help but you don't define what the help is people might not might be a bit afraid they're not knowing what they're getting themselves into I said it's a really valid point. Jay what about you how can we get better at asking for
Jay
08:38 - 08:53
help? I'm actually going to, I'm a big member of the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's been something I've dealt with my entire life, addiction. And the 12th step is actually giving back and supposed to create help for a lot of other people.
Jay
08:53 - 09:19
And I consider myself very much into the 12th step because just like this week coming up, I have a friend who's battling addiction, but it's been doing pretty well. And I'm going to be taking him to some meetings. providing him with a way to get to support, not just from myself, but from a whole room of people. So I think the 12 step is big and helps a lot.
Jay
09:19 - 09:46
The specific example I was going to give of myself asking for help, I had to, when I was Young, in my 20s, early or late teens, I had to ask for help quite a bit in going to rehab. And I ended up asking for help over 20 times. And I think going to that when I was younger made it so that as an adult, it was much easier for me to ask for help from other people. So young people, ask for help.
Greg
09:46 - 09:51
Right, absolutely. Liam, any thoughts on how we can make it easier to ask for help? I think for
Liam
09:52 - 10:34
me, I think being grateful for the help you receive and making it enjoyable for maybe the person helping you, still being affable, gregarious, and just friendly and receptive of the help that's offered and it's given to you eventually if you accept it. I think making it an enjoyable experience and offering some help, that maybe you can give in other areas to the person helping you, just kind of paying it forward. So that helps me, or that has helped me over the past
Greg
10:34 - 10:54
few years. I know personally, I used to struggle very much, so asking for help, it's not quite as difficult now, but there is, you know, for the many reasons that we've mentioned, The biggest one for me, perhaps, is fear of being turned down. But you know, we shouldn't let that get in the way. And if someone turns us down, it doesn't mean that we're a failure.
Greg
10:55 - 11:09
You know, it could be that they're just not able, their calendar might not allow it, or any other number of reasons. And it doesn't mean that there isn't somebody who doesn't want to help us, so we shouldn't be afraid of asking again. Gentlemen, this is a great conversation. Any more thoughts on this?
Jay
11:09 - 11:32
I just wanted to say that I think a lot of times we think that people may judge us if we ask for help in certain ways. But I think in some cases, well most, I think people will be receptive to it because in a way it helps them. They accept that your friendship is so great that you would ask for help.
Greg
11:32 - 11:38
Yeah, that you put your trust in them to ask for help. That is a big thing. Any other thoughts, Liam?
Liam
11:39 - 12:18
I just love what everybody has said so far. I think everybody should advocate for themselves, ask for help, because the person you ask is more often than not ready and willing. I've seen it myself, real-life situations where I obviously needed help, and maybe at that point in time, I wasn't ready to ask for help and somebody offered it to me instead of me having to ask for it. And that really pushed me forward to asking for help the next time and realizing that it's not saying I'm weak.
Liam
12:18 - 12:35
I think when you have a problem, just admitting you have the problem through asking for help can be beneficial to you and someone else. So I think looking at it through that lens is really helpful. Absolutely. Rich, any
Greg
12:35 - 12:36
closing thoughts?
Rich
12:37 - 13:20
An opportunity to help or to serve is central to a lot of belief systems, serving others. And it's central to feeling good about ourselves when we have an opportunity to give back, when we're doing well, when we're able to help out. I know right now there's a food situation going on in America, and if we're able to help out in that situation, I hope people are giving back to their local food pantry and things like that. But any way that you can help give back when you can, You might not feel as you might not be as prone to feeling guilty when you yourself need to ask for help.
Rich
13:21 - 13:27
There's a give and take there. Everybody asks for help. Don't feel guilty when it's your turn to ask for help. Right.
Rich
13:27 - 13:28
And everybody needs help.
Greg
13:28 - 14:10
And what I would say if someone comes to you and asks for help. and they put in the trust in you take that seriously you know it's an honor to be asked for help first of all in my estimation at least but take that seriously you know that they put the trust in you and you know it's a responsibility so just a just a thought how about you do you find it easy to ask for help or do you struggle let us know at the website on kindnessrx.org and in the meantime come back next week we'll have another interesting topic if there's anything that you'd like us to discuss let us know again at kindnessrx.org everyone be safe have a pleasant week and thanks for helping build a kinder world one week at a time
