Episode 13: Holiday Stress!
The Support & Kindness Podcast
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| https://kindnessRX.org | Launched: Nov 30, 2025 |
| greg1usa@gmail.com | Season: 1 Episode: 13 |
The Supporting Kindness Podcast
Episode 13 – Holiday Stress!
Hosts: Greg • Rich • Derek • Liam
Episode Overview
The holidays are often sold as “cozy lights and warm connections,” but for many people, this time of year is complicated, heavy, and sometimes painful. In this episode, Greg and co-hosts Rich, Derek, and Liam talk openly about the hidden side of the holidays: anxiety, family tension, substance use, money stress, loneliness, and the pressure to “be cheerful” when you’re barely holding it together.
They share personal stories, name common holiday triggers, and offer simple, practical tools to help you get through the season with more kindness toward yourself—whether that looks like taking grounding breaths in your car, stepping away to the bathroom to reset, breaking the ice with a family member, or planning an early exit with a safe word.
This is a compassionate, honest conversation for anyone who feels like the holidays are “supposed to” be joyful but often hurt instead.
Main Themes & Key Topics
- The gap between holiday expectations and reality
- How crowds, travel, and routine changes affect anxiety and mood
- Money stress, shame, and “not doing enough”
- Family dynamics, estrangement, and painful history
- Substance use, “pre-gaming,” and relapse triggers
- Loneliness, isolation, and feeling left out
- Simple, actionable coping tools for holiday gatherings
- Boundaries, planned exits, and saying no without guilt
- Grounding items and strategies to stay present and safe
Notable Quotes & Observations by Each Host
Greg – Naming the Hidden Holiday Struggles
Greg opens the episode by validating the quiet pain a lot of people feel this time of year but rarely say out loud.
“For some people, the holiday season is cozy lights, warm connections, and beloved traditions. But for many people, it feels very different. It's a tight chest when you enter a crowded mall… anxiety before a family gathering that has complicated dynamics… or quiet hurried loneliness when everyone else seems to have plans and you do not.”
Key points from Greg:
- Acknowledges multiple layers of holiday stress: crowds, money pressure, travel, family dynamics, loneliness, and mental health struggles like depression, anxiety, self-harm urges, and suicidal thoughts.
- Challenges the myth that “everyone else” is enjoying perfect holidays:
- You might be thinking: “Everyone else can do this, so why can't I?”
- Normalizes struggle:
“If you are struggling, you're not broken and you're definitely not alone.”
Highlights practical tools they’ll cover:
- Breathing exercises
- Planned exits and leaving early
- Safe words with friends or partners
- Comfort items (stress balls, noise-canceling headphones, photos, etc.)
- Saying “no” without guilt
- Key observation: The goal isn’t to make the season seem darker, but to be honest about what many people quietly go through and offer support rather than shame.
Rich – Anxiety, Crowds, Travel, and Turning to Substances
Rich speaks candidly about how the structure of the holidays collides with his anxiety and need for routine.
“For me, it's definitely in crowds, travel disruptions, around routine, and just my need to do grounding exercises to handle that.”
Key points from Rich:
- Crowds and overstimulation:
- New people and crowded environments are particularly hard for him.
- Travel and disrupted routines:
- Long drives, airports, and visiting people interfere with:
- Sleep and schedule
- Diet
- Medication
- Caffeine intake
- Long drives, airports, and visiting people interfere with:
- Those disruptions make the holidays more stressful than they appear from the outside.
- Perceived pressure to act differently:
- He feels there’s a social expectation to “show up” in a certain way during the holidays, even if he’s not sure how universal it is.
- As a parent, he tries not to pass that pressure onto his kids.
- Substances as a “solution” to anxiety:
“I've realized that I even turn to prescription medications… it doesn't matter what it is, I turn to substances to solve my problems.”
- He relates to:
- “Preemptive” use before gatherings
- Using both prescribed medications and other substances as a way to get ready for social situations.
- Practical tool – breathing as a reset:
“All I needed to do was some breathing exercises… a couple deep inhales, count to five, few exhales, and just ground myself.”
- He shares an example of nearly bailing on a holiday gathering, but taking a few moments to:
- Breathe deeply
- Ground himself
- Remind himself where he was and what was happening
- Doing that allowed him to attend and actually enjoy the event.
Derek – Family Rituals, Vices, and Strategic “Bathroom Breaks”
Derek reflects on how holiday rituals in his family were shaped around his mother’s emotional state and how coping patterns formed around that.
“It was all based around how she was, what she was wanting and how she was feeling and what would help her ease the pain or heightened anxiety or stress of the holidays. And then the rest of us would just tend to follow suit.”
Key points from Derek:
- Family focused on managing one person’s emotions:
- The schedule and tone of the holiday were centered on what would “ease” his mother’s stress or pain.
- The result: everyone else fell into line to keep things stable.
- Unconscious coping with substances:
“Unintentionally or unknowingly… this quote-unquote ritual of consuming alcohol as soon as we get somewhere too cozy and hey everyone let's all relax… grab your vice, this will be nice.”
- Substances became a ritual:
- Drink or smoke as soon as you arrive
- Use vices to smooth over tension
- It wasn’t framed as a “coping mechanism” but it functioned that way.
- Substances became a ritual:
- Practical tool – the “bathroom escape”:
- Derek uses a simple, repeatable strategy to ground himself in stressful social settings (not just holidays):
“When in doubt… I have to go use the restroom right now… That code was, I need to not be here for five minutes.”
- How he does it:
- Tells close people he needs the restroom (which is true enough to be accepted).
- Goes to a stall, sits, and:
- Derek uses a simple, repeatable strategy to ground himself in stressful social settings (not just holidays):
- Breathes
- Grounds himself
- Lets his nervous system calm down
- Returns after a few minutes more regulated.
- This works at:
- Family gatherings
- Work events
- Weddings, funerals, and other crowded or emotionally charged spaces.
Liam – Substance Use, Painful History, and Breaking the Ice
Liam shares honestly about using substances to cope with holiday stress and the complex dynamics in families with shared histories of addiction and pain.
“I found holiday stress to cause me to maybe in the past use substances before get-togethers even happened because I thought that would help reduce my stress in dealing with family…”
Key points from Liam:
- Pre-gathering substance use:
- He used substances before events to “prepare” for:
- Family interactions
- Travel stress
- Old hurts resurfacing in conversation
- He used substances before events to “prepare” for:
- In his mind, it “eased” the pain, but often:
“A lot of times that would just make things worse.”
- Painful shared history in families:
“You may be getting together for a specific reason for a certain holiday, but… you're going to be talking about history that probably is painful and can be awkward and embarrassing.”
- The holiday theme is often overshadowed by:
- Old conflicts
- Embarrassing situations
- Longstanding hurt
- The holiday theme is often overshadowed by:
- Substances both cover and expose:
“There were a lot of things covered up by substance use and a lot of things that probably shouldn't have been brought to light because of substance use.”
- Substances:
- Numb pain or keep things “pleasant”
- But also lower inhibitions and bring up things in hurtful or chaotic ways
- Substances:
- Money and gifts in a low-income family:
- Liam’s family struggled financially, but was also loving and understanding.
“We try to at least take that stress part out of the equation… having an understanding that just being together on the holidays is what's supposed to be in the spirit of each holiday.”
- They try to de-emphasize:
- Gift value
- The idea of “enough” presents
- Liam’s family struggled financially, but was also loving and understanding.
- Emphasize:
- Presence over presents
- Togetherness and letting “bygones be bygones”
- Practical tool – breaking the ice and naming love early:
“When I get to a gathering, I like to start out with something like… ‘Hey, it's so great to be with you. I love you. We haven't seen each other in a while.’”
- Why it helps:
- Cuts through:
- Silent treatment
- Power games
- Passive-aggressive tension
- Cuts through:
- Why it helps:
- Signals goodwill and safety:
- You’re not pretending the past doesn’t exist
- But you’re choosing connection for this moment
- Outcome:
- Less tension for the whole group
- More room to actually enjoy each other during the holiday, even if deep issues aren’t fully resolved
Practical Coping Tools Discussed
The episode highlights several concrete strategies that listeners can adapt to their own situations.
- Grounding and Breathing Exercises (Rich)
- Take a short pause before entering a stressful situation:
- Sit in your car or a quiet space.
- Try a simple pattern:
- Inhale slowly through the nose for a count of 5
- Hold briefly if comfortable
- Exhale slowly for a count of 5
- Remind yourself:
- Where you are
- What is happening right now
- That you can leave if you truly need to
- Use as needed:
- Before going in
- In the middle of a gathering (step aside if needed)
- Planned Exits and “Bathroom Break” Resets (Derek)
- Create an internal rule: “When in doubt, step away.”
- Use neutral excuses like:
- “I need to use the restroom,” or
- “I need a quick moment, I’ll be right back.”
- In the bathroom or a quiet hallway:
- Sit, breathe, notice your body (feet on the floor, hands on your lap).
- Give yourself 3–5 minutes to let your body settle.
- Then return if it feels safe enough, or use it as a moment to decide if you need to leave.
- Rescue Text Codes & Safe Words (Greg)
- Set up a simple code with a trusted friend or partner before the event:
- An uncommon word or phrase not likely to be said accidentally.
- Example: a random object, inside joke, or unusual phrase.
- Agree on what it means:
- “I need you to call me with a reason to leave.”
- Or “I need you to come find me,” or “We’re leaving now.”
- This reduces the pressure to:
- Stay longer than you can handle
- Explain your stress in the moment
- Comfort & Grounding Items (Greg)
Have a small kit of items that help you feel safer or more present:
- Touch-based:
- Stress ball
- Smooth stone
- Fidget toy
- Small stuffed animal
- Visual:
- Photo of someone who feels safe to you
- Snow globe
- Calm “I spy” bottle
- Sound:
- Noise-canceling headphones or earbuds
- A soothing playlist or white noise
- Scented:
- Essential oil roller (lavender, citrus, etc.)
- A familiar lotion or small scented item
These can be kept in a bag, pocket, or car as quiet support tools.
- Breaking the Ice with Kindness (Liam)
- Instead of starting interactions with tension or avoidance:
- Greet the person warmly:
- “I’m really glad to see you.”
- “It’s good to be here with you.”
- “I love you and I’m glad we’re together today.”
- This:
- Reduces awkwardness
- Makes it less likely that the whole time is dominated by unspoken resentment
- Can shift the tone for the entire group
- Saying No and Leaving Early (Greg)
While not deeply unpacked in the transcript, Greg names:
- It’s okay to say no:
- You’re allowed to decline invitations that feel unsafe or overwhelming.
- Leaving early is allowed:
- You don’t have to “earn” your exit with suffering.
- A planned exit time can reduce anxiety going in.
Core Takeaways
- You are not alone if the holidays are difficult.
Many people feel anxious, sad, overwhelmed, or disconnected this time of year, even if they don’t say it out loud.
- Holiday “rituals” are often built around managing stress, not joy.
Families may unconsciously organize around one person’s emotions, or rely on substances as part of their unofficial holiday script.
- Substances can feel like a shortcut, but often complicate things.
Using before or during gatherings may numb pain in the short term but can worsen conflict, shame, and confusion.
- Simple tools can make a real difference.
Grounding breaths, brief time-outs, rescue codes, comfort items, and starting with kindness can help you get through gatherings more safely.
- Financial limitations do not make you a failure.
Being short on money is common, and you are not letting people down by not buying big gifts. Connection, not cost, is what matters.
- You’re allowed to protect your well-being.
Saying no, stepping away, or leaving early are all valid options. Your mental health matters more than meeting a holiday ideal.
Resources Mentioned
Greg shares a robust list of support options in the show notes, especially for anyone dealing with self-harm thoughts, suicidal thoughts, substance use, grief, or mental health challenges.
Some highlighted resources include:
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.) — call or text 988, 24/7 — https://988lifeline.org
- Crisis Text Line — text HOME to 741741 — https://www.crisistextline.org
- The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ youth) — 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678 — https://www.thetrevorproject.org
- SAMHSA National Helpline (substance use & mental health referrals) — 1-800-662-HELP (4357) — https://www.samhsa.gov
- FindTreatment.gov (treatment locator for substance use & mental health) — https://findtreatment.gov
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) — support groups & resources — https://www.nami.org
- GriefShare — grief support groups and recovery resources — https://www.griefshare.org
- My Grief Angels — directory of grief support by type of loss — https://www.mygriefangels.org
- Well Beings — national mental health resource guide & support groups — https://wellbeings.org
- Partnership to End Addiction — grief & family support for substance loss — https://drugfree.org
- TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) — military survivor resources — https://www.taps.org
- Herren Project — online recovery support — https://herrenproject.org
- Psychology Today therapist directory — https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
- Open Path Collective (low‑cost therapy) — https://openpathcollective.org
- Find a Helpline — Global Support 24/7
Find a Helpline offers immediate, free, and confidential support through over 1,300 helplines in more than 130 countries. Services include suicide prevention, domestic violence help, and support for anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns. An intelligent ranking system connects you with the most relevant helplines for your needs. Available 24/7 in a judgment-free space so you can get help anytime.
If you’re in immediate danger or thinking about harming yourself, call 911 or your local emergency number. You can also call or text: 988 (U.S.).
For listeners outside the U.S., check local health services and crisis lines.
You don’t have to go through this alone. There is help, and there is hope.
Episode Summary in Bullet Points
- Holidays are not universally joyful; they can amplify:
- Anxiety, depression, loneliness
- Money stress and shame
- Family conflict and estrangement
- Substance use and relapse risk
- Feelings of not measuring up to a “perfect holiday” image
- Each host shares real experiences with:
- Crowds and overstimulation (Rich)
- Family rituals centered on one person’s emotional state (Derek)
- Pre-gathering substance use and painful family history (Liam)
- The pressure to be cheerful and “on” (Greg & group)
- Practical tools offered:
- Breathing and grounding exercises
- Planned exits and safe words/rescue texts
- Time-outs in the bathroom or a quiet space
- Comfort/grounding items (sensory, visual, sound, scent)
- Breaking the ice early with warmth and direct expressions of care
- Reducing gift pressure and focusing on presence over presents
- Core message:
- Struggling during the holidays does not mean you are broken or failing.
- It’s okay to need extra help.
- There is support, and there is hope.
If this episode spoke to you, consider sharing it with someone who might also be struggling this season. A simple link and “this made me feel less alone” can be a powerful act of kindness.
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Episode Chapters
The Supporting Kindness Podcast
Episode 13 – Holiday Stress!
Hosts: Greg • Rich • Derek • Liam
Episode Overview
The holidays are often sold as “cozy lights and warm connections,” but for many people, this time of year is complicated, heavy, and sometimes painful. In this episode, Greg and co-hosts Rich, Derek, and Liam talk openly about the hidden side of the holidays: anxiety, family tension, substance use, money stress, loneliness, and the pressure to “be cheerful” when you’re barely holding it together.
They share personal stories, name common holiday triggers, and offer simple, practical tools to help you get through the season with more kindness toward yourself—whether that looks like taking grounding breaths in your car, stepping away to the bathroom to reset, breaking the ice with a family member, or planning an early exit with a safe word.
This is a compassionate, honest conversation for anyone who feels like the holidays are “supposed to” be joyful but often hurt instead.
Main Themes & Key Topics
- The gap between holiday expectations and reality
- How crowds, travel, and routine changes affect anxiety and mood
- Money stress, shame, and “not doing enough”
- Family dynamics, estrangement, and painful history
- Substance use, “pre-gaming,” and relapse triggers
- Loneliness, isolation, and feeling left out
- Simple, actionable coping tools for holiday gatherings
- Boundaries, planned exits, and saying no without guilt
- Grounding items and strategies to stay present and safe
Notable Quotes & Observations by Each Host
Greg – Naming the Hidden Holiday Struggles
Greg opens the episode by validating the quiet pain a lot of people feel this time of year but rarely say out loud.
“For some people, the holiday season is cozy lights, warm connections, and beloved traditions. But for many people, it feels very different. It's a tight chest when you enter a crowded mall… anxiety before a family gathering that has complicated dynamics… or quiet hurried loneliness when everyone else seems to have plans and you do not.”
Key points from Greg:
- Acknowledges multiple layers of holiday stress: crowds, money pressure, travel, family dynamics, loneliness, and mental health struggles like depression, anxiety, self-harm urges, and suicidal thoughts.
- Challenges the myth that “everyone else” is enjoying perfect holidays:
- You might be thinking: “Everyone else can do this, so why can't I?”
- Normalizes struggle:
“If you are struggling, you're not broken and you're definitely not alone.”
Highlights practical tools they’ll cover:
- Breathing exercises
- Planned exits and leaving early
- Safe words with friends or partners
- Comfort items (stress balls, noise-canceling headphones, photos, etc.)
- Saying “no” without guilt
- Key observation: The goal isn’t to make the season seem darker, but to be honest about what many people quietly go through and offer support rather than shame.
Rich – Anxiety, Crowds, Travel, and Turning to Substances
Rich speaks candidly about how the structure of the holidays collides with his anxiety and need for routine.
“For me, it's definitely in crowds, travel disruptions, around routine, and just my need to do grounding exercises to handle that.”
Key points from Rich:
- Crowds and overstimulation:
- New people and crowded environments are particularly hard for him.
- Travel and disrupted routines:
- Long drives, airports, and visiting people interfere with:
- Sleep and schedule
- Diet
- Medication
- Caffeine intake
- Long drives, airports, and visiting people interfere with:
- Those disruptions make the holidays more stressful than they appear from the outside.
- Perceived pressure to act differently:
- He feels there’s a social expectation to “show up” in a certain way during the holidays, even if he’s not sure how universal it is.
- As a parent, he tries not to pass that pressure onto his kids.
- Substances as a “solution” to anxiety:
“I've realized that I even turn to prescription medications… it doesn't matter what it is, I turn to substances to solve my problems.”
- He relates to:
- “Preemptive” use before gatherings
- Using both prescribed medications and other substances as a way to get ready for social situations.
- Practical tool – breathing as a reset:
“All I needed to do was some breathing exercises… a couple deep inhales, count to five, few exhales, and just ground myself.”
- He shares an example of nearly bailing on a holiday gathering, but taking a few moments to:
- Breathe deeply
- Ground himself
- Remind himself where he was and what was happening
- Doing that allowed him to attend and actually enjoy the event.
Derek – Family Rituals, Vices, and Strategic “Bathroom Breaks”
Derek reflects on how holiday rituals in his family were shaped around his mother’s emotional state and how coping patterns formed around that.
“It was all based around how she was, what she was wanting and how she was feeling and what would help her ease the pain or heightened anxiety or stress of the holidays. And then the rest of us would just tend to follow suit.”
Key points from Derek:
- Family focused on managing one person’s emotions:
- The schedule and tone of the holiday were centered on what would “ease” his mother’s stress or pain.
- The result: everyone else fell into line to keep things stable.
- Unconscious coping with substances:
“Unintentionally or unknowingly… this quote-unquote ritual of consuming alcohol as soon as we get somewhere too cozy and hey everyone let's all relax… grab your vice, this will be nice.”
- Substances became a ritual:
- Drink or smoke as soon as you arrive
- Use vices to smooth over tension
- It wasn’t framed as a “coping mechanism” but it functioned that way.
- Substances became a ritual:
- Practical tool – the “bathroom escape”:
- Derek uses a simple, repeatable strategy to ground himself in stressful social settings (not just holidays):
“When in doubt… I have to go use the restroom right now… That code was, I need to not be here for five minutes.”
- How he does it:
- Tells close people he needs the restroom (which is true enough to be accepted).
- Goes to a stall, sits, and:
- Derek uses a simple, repeatable strategy to ground himself in stressful social settings (not just holidays):
- Breathes
- Grounds himself
- Lets his nervous system calm down
- Returns after a few minutes more regulated.
- This works at:
- Family gatherings
- Work events
- Weddings, funerals, and other crowded or emotionally charged spaces.
Liam – Substance Use, Painful History, and Breaking the Ice
Liam shares honestly about using substances to cope with holiday stress and the complex dynamics in families with shared histories of addiction and pain.
“I found holiday stress to cause me to maybe in the past use substances before get-togethers even happened because I thought that would help reduce my stress in dealing with family…”
Key points from Liam:
- Pre-gathering substance use:
- He used substances before events to “prepare” for:
- Family interactions
- Travel stress
- Old hurts resurfacing in conversation
- He used substances before events to “prepare” for:
- In his mind, it “eased” the pain, but often:
“A lot of times that would just make things worse.”
- Painful shared history in families:
“You may be getting together for a specific reason for a certain holiday, but… you're going to be talking about history that probably is painful and can be awkward and embarrassing.”
- The holiday theme is often overshadowed by:
- Old conflicts
- Embarrassing situations
- Longstanding hurt
- The holiday theme is often overshadowed by:
- Substances both cover and expose:
“There were a lot of things covered up by substance use and a lot of things that probably shouldn't have been brought to light because of substance use.”
- Substances:
- Numb pain or keep things “pleasant”
- But also lower inhibitions and bring up things in hurtful or chaotic ways
- Substances:
- Money and gifts in a low-income family:
- Liam’s family struggled financially, but was also loving and understanding.
“We try to at least take that stress part out of the equation… having an understanding that just being together on the holidays is what's supposed to be in the spirit of each holiday.”
- They try to de-emphasize:
- Gift value
- The idea of “enough” presents
- Liam’s family struggled financially, but was also loving and understanding.
- Emphasize:
- Presence over presents
- Togetherness and letting “bygones be bygones”
- Practical tool – breaking the ice and naming love early:
“When I get to a gathering, I like to start out with something like… ‘Hey, it's so great to be with you. I love you. We haven't seen each other in a while.’”
- Why it helps:
- Cuts through:
- Silent treatment
- Power games
- Passive-aggressive tension
- Cuts through:
- Why it helps:
- Signals goodwill and safety:
- You’re not pretending the past doesn’t exist
- But you’re choosing connection for this moment
- Outcome:
- Less tension for the whole group
- More room to actually enjoy each other during the holiday, even if deep issues aren’t fully resolved
Practical Coping Tools Discussed
The episode highlights several concrete strategies that listeners can adapt to their own situations.
- Grounding and Breathing Exercises (Rich)
- Take a short pause before entering a stressful situation:
- Sit in your car or a quiet space.
- Try a simple pattern:
- Inhale slowly through the nose for a count of 5
- Hold briefly if comfortable
- Exhale slowly for a count of 5
- Remind yourself:
- Where you are
- What is happening right now
- That you can leave if you truly need to
- Use as needed:
- Before going in
- In the middle of a gathering (step aside if needed)
- Planned Exits and “Bathroom Break” Resets (Derek)
- Create an internal rule: “When in doubt, step away.”
- Use neutral excuses like:
- “I need to use the restroom,” or
- “I need a quick moment, I’ll be right back.”
- In the bathroom or a quiet hallway:
- Sit, breathe, notice your body (feet on the floor, hands on your lap).
- Give yourself 3–5 minutes to let your body settle.
- Then return if it feels safe enough, or use it as a moment to decide if you need to leave.
- Rescue Text Codes & Safe Words (Greg)
- Set up a simple code with a trusted friend or partner before the event:
- An uncommon word or phrase not likely to be said accidentally.
- Example: a random object, inside joke, or unusual phrase.
- Agree on what it means:
- “I need you to call me with a reason to leave.”
- Or “I need you to come find me,” or “We’re leaving now.”
- This reduces the pressure to:
- Stay longer than you can handle
- Explain your stress in the moment
- Comfort & Grounding Items (Greg)
Have a small kit of items that help you feel safer or more present:
- Touch-based:
- Stress ball
- Smooth stone
- Fidget toy
- Small stuffed animal
- Visual:
- Photo of someone who feels safe to you
- Snow globe
- Calm “I spy” bottle
- Sound:
- Noise-canceling headphones or earbuds
- A soothing playlist or white noise
- Scented:
- Essential oil roller (lavender, citrus, etc.)
- A familiar lotion or small scented item
These can be kept in a bag, pocket, or car as quiet support tools.
- Breaking the Ice with Kindness (Liam)
- Instead of starting interactions with tension or avoidance:
- Greet the person warmly:
- “I’m really glad to see you.”
- “It’s good to be here with you.”
- “I love you and I’m glad we’re together today.”
- This:
- Reduces awkwardness
- Makes it less likely that the whole time is dominated by unspoken resentment
- Can shift the tone for the entire group
- Saying No and Leaving Early (Greg)
While not deeply unpacked in the transcript, Greg names:
- It’s okay to say no:
- You’re allowed to decline invitations that feel unsafe or overwhelming.
- Leaving early is allowed:
- You don’t have to “earn” your exit with suffering.
- A planned exit time can reduce anxiety going in.
Core Takeaways
- You are not alone if the holidays are difficult.
Many people feel anxious, sad, overwhelmed, or disconnected this time of year, even if they don’t say it out loud.
- Holiday “rituals” are often built around managing stress, not joy.
Families may unconsciously organize around one person’s emotions, or rely on substances as part of their unofficial holiday script.
- Substances can feel like a shortcut, but often complicate things.
Using before or during gatherings may numb pain in the short term but can worsen conflict, shame, and confusion.
- Simple tools can make a real difference.
Grounding breaths, brief time-outs, rescue codes, comfort items, and starting with kindness can help you get through gatherings more safely.
- Financial limitations do not make you a failure.
Being short on money is common, and you are not letting people down by not buying big gifts. Connection, not cost, is what matters.
- You’re allowed to protect your well-being.
Saying no, stepping away, or leaving early are all valid options. Your mental health matters more than meeting a holiday ideal.
Resources Mentioned
Greg shares a robust list of support options in the show notes, especially for anyone dealing with self-harm thoughts, suicidal thoughts, substance use, grief, or mental health challenges.
Some highlighted resources include:
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.) — call or text 988, 24/7 — https://988lifeline.org
- Crisis Text Line — text HOME to 741741 — https://www.crisistextline.org
- The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ youth) — 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678 — https://www.thetrevorproject.org
- SAMHSA National Helpline (substance use & mental health referrals) — 1-800-662-HELP (4357) — https://www.samhsa.gov
- FindTreatment.gov (treatment locator for substance use & mental health) — https://findtreatment.gov
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) — support groups & resources — https://www.nami.org
- GriefShare — grief support groups and recovery resources — https://www.griefshare.org
- My Grief Angels — directory of grief support by type of loss — https://www.mygriefangels.org
- Well Beings — national mental health resource guide & support groups — https://wellbeings.org
- Partnership to End Addiction — grief & family support for substance loss — https://drugfree.org
- TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) — military survivor resources — https://www.taps.org
- Herren Project — online recovery support — https://herrenproject.org
- Psychology Today therapist directory — https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
- Open Path Collective (low‑cost therapy) — https://openpathcollective.org
- Find a Helpline — Global Support 24/7
Find a Helpline offers immediate, free, and confidential support through over 1,300 helplines in more than 130 countries. Services include suicide prevention, domestic violence help, and support for anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns. An intelligent ranking system connects you with the most relevant helplines for your needs. Available 24/7 in a judgment-free space so you can get help anytime.
If you’re in immediate danger or thinking about harming yourself, call 911 or your local emergency number. You can also call or text: 988 (U.S.).
For listeners outside the U.S., check local health services and crisis lines.
You don’t have to go through this alone. There is help, and there is hope.
Episode Summary in Bullet Points
- Holidays are not universally joyful; they can amplify:
- Anxiety, depression, loneliness
- Money stress and shame
- Family conflict and estrangement
- Substance use and relapse risk
- Feelings of not measuring up to a “perfect holiday” image
- Each host shares real experiences with:
- Crowds and overstimulation (Rich)
- Family rituals centered on one person’s emotional state (Derek)
- Pre-gathering substance use and painful family history (Liam)
- The pressure to be cheerful and “on” (Greg & group)
- Practical tools offered:
- Breathing and grounding exercises
- Planned exits and safe words/rescue texts
- Time-outs in the bathroom or a quiet space
- Comfort/grounding items (sensory, visual, sound, scent)
- Breaking the ice early with warmth and direct expressions of care
- Reducing gift pressure and focusing on presence over presents
- Core message:
- Struggling during the holidays does not mean you are broken or failing.
- It’s okay to need extra help.
- There is support, and there is hope.
If this episode spoke to you, consider sharing it with someone who might also be struggling this season. A simple link and “this made me feel less alone” can be a powerful act of kindness.
Episode 13 – Holiday Stress!
On this episode of The Supporting Kindness Podcast, Greg, Rich, Derek, and Liam talk honestly about why the holidays can be so hard—anxiety in crowds, travel disruptions, money stress, painful family dynamics, substance use triggers, loneliness, and the pressure to “be cheerful.” Each host shares personal experiences, from using substances to get through family gatherings to creating small rituals like breathing breaks and “bathroom escapes” to calm down.
The episode offers simple, practical tools: grounding and breathing exercises, planned exits and rescue text codes, safe words with a partner, bringing comfort items, and breaking the ice early with warmth and honesty. The core message: if you’re struggling this holiday season, you’re not broken, you’re not alone, and it’s okay to protect your mental health and ask for help.
Greg
00:00 - 00:36
Hello and welcome back to the Supporting Kindness podcast. I'm your host, Greg Shaw, and today we're talking about something that many people feel but don't discuss out loud, and that's how hard the holidays can really be. This is episode 13, Holiday Stress, and I'm joined by my co-hosts, Rich, Liam, and Derek. And you'll hear from each one of them throughout the episode as we share some real experiences, practical tools, and ways to move through the season with a bit more kindness towards ourselves.
Greg
00:37 - 01:04
For some people, the holiday season is cozy lights, warm connections, and beloved traditions. But for many people, it feels very different. It's a tight chest when you enter a crowded mall, a sinking feeling when you check your bank account after gift shopping, anxiety before a family gathering that has complicated dynamics, or quiet hurried loneliness when everyone else seems to have plans and you do not. And then some things that can make the holidays hard are crowds and overstimulation.
Greg
01:05 - 01:24
There's the busy stores, crowded streets, airports and loud parties. They can be overwhelming if you have anxiety, PTSD, sensory issues or you just don't like crowds. Your heart races and your body goes into fight or flight and what's meant to be festive suddenly feels threatening. Travel can disrupt routines.
Greg
01:25 - 01:42
Flights, long drives, delays, strange beds and different schedules can hurt sleep, mood and energy. And for some people, going home brings back old patterns of trauma, and that can be a lot to carry. There's the money and pressure to give. The holidays can be very expensive.
Greg
01:42 - 01:57
Gifts, travel, and food, and parties, they all add up quickly. And if you're short on money, the season can bring shame, anxiety, and feelings that you're letting people down. You might think everyone else can do this, so why can't I? And then there's the social events and expectations.
Greg
01:57 - 02:13
People expect you to be cheerful, thankful and energetic all the time. If you're introverted, grieving, depressed or tired, pretending to be happy can be very exhausting. And that's only on the surface. Beneath it, many people face deeper struggles this time of year.
Greg
02:13 - 02:32
Things like loneliness and isolation. If you're single, restrained from family, newly divorced, grieving, or far away from support networks, then the holidays can make you feel even more alone. Seeing other people's group photos and matching pajamas can increase that sense of being left out. Family dynamics and estrangement.
Greg
02:33 - 02:52
Not every family gathering is safe, and some people are restrained from parents, siblings, or children. and others enter a room with unresolved conflict, judgment, or lasting hurt. The pressure to just get along during the holidays can reopen old wounds or trigger coping habits. And then there's substance use and relapse triggers.
Greg
02:52 - 03:09
Holiday drinking and celebrations can be triggers for people in recovery or trying to cut back. Alcohol and other substances might be used to numb pain, which can quickly lead to relapse. There's self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Loneliness, money problems, family fights, and depression can be a dangerous mix.
Greg
03:09 - 03:59
Even if overall rates of suicide don't rise during the holidays, urges to self-harm and crisis situations can increase. Feelings like you don't fit the happy holiday model picture can make shame and despair worse. Our goal today is not to make the season seem darker, it's to honestly acknowledge that many people what money will go through and remind you that if you are struggling you're not broken and you're definitely not alone. In this episode we'll discuss common holiday triggers, crowds, travel, money, social pressure, look at how depression, anxiety and loneliness can appear this season, Acknowledge hard situations like family estrangement, grief, substance use triggers and share practical coping tools like breathing exercises, planned exits, safe words with friends or a
Greg
03:59 - 04:10
partner. and comfort items to help you feel grounded. We'll also cover how to stay no or even leave early without feeling guilt. If this sounds like you this time of year, I'm glad that you're here.
Greg
04:10 - 04:20
Take what helps, leave the rest. It's okay to need extra help this holiday. Now that we've said that, let's go around the room. Rich, I'll start with you.
Greg
04:20 - 04:35
We know that the holidays can have a lot of good in them, but also a lot of stress underneath the surface. When you think about the season in general, either from your own experience, or what you see in others, where do you notice holiday stress showing up the most?
Rich
04:36 - 05:14
For me, it's definitely in crowds, travel disruptions, around routine, and just my need to do grounding exercises to handle that. I definitely struggle with those two things the most. Um, I struggle being around new people. I struggle being around, um, crowds of people.
Rich
05:15 - 06:13
Um, and then I struggle around the disruption to my regular routine, my regular, um, schedule that travel introduces around the holidays, going to visit people, going to, whether it's going through an airport or taking a long road trip or something like that, those introduce challenges to all sorts of things, diet, medication. caffeine intake that are all difficult. Do you
Greg
06:13 - 06:19
feel that people expect more of us during the holidays or sometimes people are expected to talk differently?
Rich
06:24 - 06:52
I feel that way. I don't know that. I don't know if that 's true. I have tried as a parent to be very forgiving and very understanding of that pressure that people feel and tried not to put that on my kids.
Rich
06:54 - 07:19
But as an individual, because I felt that as an individual, so yes, I do feel that we feel that. Having grown up feeling that, having felt that a lot, I do feel that's a common factor.
Greg
07:21 - 07:27
Thanks, Rich. Derek, how about you? Do you see the same patterns that Rich described, or do you see something different?
Derek
07:30 - 08:17
I can relate to a few. I was just trying to, as I was listening to Rich and his insight, I was just comparing and contrasting a lot of what my family holiday or any sort of annual or any sorts of rites of passage rituals were in my upbringing. And it's not as cut and dry for me, not saying that Rich's was. There's always been a multitude of factors, but it, which was solely based around my smaller family, was one person, namely my mother, well, namely, definitely my mom.
Derek
08:18 - 09:04
It was all based around how she was, what she was wanting and how she was feeling and what would help her ease the pain or heightened anxiety or stress of the holidays. and then the rest of us would just tend to follow suit. So it became more of a ritualistic, oh, this is what we do at this time, and we have to be there, and if there's stress, if there's a disruption in the scheduling, and when we have to be there, then that might heighten something. So unintentionally or unknowingly, that yeah this quote-unquote ritual of consuming alcohol as soon as we get somewhere to cozy and hey everyone let's all relax let's have this let's smoke in front of my mom who I normally don't smoke in front of great all that we're here just
Derek
09:04 - 09:24
grab your vice this will be nice yada yada yada um that was kind of more of the thing and it wasn't necessarily a conscious coping mechanism but it was one just to help us collectively get through this no fuss, no muss type of shtick. Yeah.
Greg
09:25 - 09:30
Thanks, Derek. Liam, where do you see holiday stress pop up the most?
Liam
09:30 - 10:09
Well, thanks, Greg. And great opening statement by you is really on point. And kind of going off what Rich and Derek said, I can really relate. And as far as me, I found holiday stress to cause me to maybe in the past use substances before get-togethers even happened because I thought that would help reduce my stress in dealing with family and all the things like Rich and Derek talked about, travel.
Liam
10:10 - 10:38
all that type of stuff. So I got caught in a horrible pattern of using substances before, you know, family get togethers. And, you know, a lot of times that would just make things worse. Though in my mind, you know, my altered state of mind, it eased my pain because, you know, you're dealing, you're getting together with family members who you have a lot of history with.
Liam
10:38 - 11:26
So, you know, you may be getting together for a specific reason of a certain holiday, but just in conversation, things are going to come up that don't have to do with the holiday necessarily. You're going to be talking about, you know, history that probably is painful and can be awkward and embarrassing. So to add substance abuse on top of that, just adds a whole other element to it, which probably confuses things and, and probably doesn't help. Uh, so I think that, uh, because in my family, there was a lot of, you know, substance use among all family members.
Liam
11:27 - 11:55
Um, and there was a lot of history, uh, painful history between a lot of family members. So, um, you know, There were a lot of things covered up by substance use and a lot of things that probably shouldn't have been brought to light because of substance use. So it can be a very tricky thing around the holidays. But that's been my experience.
Greg
11:57 - 12:00
Thanks, Liam. Rich, anything else come to mind for you?
Rich
12:01 - 12:21
Both Derek and Liam had points that I kind of latched on to. The Derek's grab your vice. This will be nice. Is kind of right out of walking into into my father's house.
Rich
12:23 - 12:39
It it's, you know. Whatever. Whatever settles you. He certainly hoped that that it was alcohol because that was his vice.
Rich
12:41 - 14:03
But it was, you know, whatever your vice was, however you could be settled. I've realized that I turn to even prescription medications I turn to, when I have an anxiety attack, when I have allergy problems, when I have anything, it doesn't matter what it is, I turn to substances to solve my problems. A lot of that is, like what Liam said, using before get togethers. It's that sort of preemptive, you know, both Both of what Derek and Liam said resonated with me.
Rich
14:04 - 15:30
It's that preemptive approach to socializing or preparing to be around people. You get ready, and that includes a little bit of your vice, a little bit of I mentioned grounding exercises earlier. That might be a drink, that might be a joint, that might be, you know, a couple hits off the vape or whatever, you know, however you consume your, vice these days might be taking a couple of anxiety pills that are doctor prescribed, but a result of failed or grounding exercises that work.
Rich
15:30 - 15:43
but also relying on substances during the holidays. I think I do a lot of that. I really do.
Greg
15:47 - 15:49
Thanks, Rich. Derek, anything else come to mind for you?
Derek
15:54 - 16:01
Not at this specific moment. My apologies for that. Usually I'm a long winded. Yeah.
Derek
16:02 - 16:03
Nothing comes to mind at the moment.
Greg
16:03 - 16:04
Not at all. Liam.
Liam
16:07 - 16:38
I would say something else. I think you might've mentioned in the opening about, you know, my family, uh, I think would be considered on the very poor side, uh, monetarily and you know, that can add stress, but. You know, luckily my family is also, you know, pretty loving in ways. Um, so they're also understanding of, you know, people's limitations financially.
Liam
16:38 - 17:11
Um, so we, we try to at least take that stress, uh, part out of the equation. Um, and having understanding that just being together on the holidays is what's supposed to. be in the spirit of each holiday. It's supposed to be just kind of getting together with your loved ones and spending time together and maybe letting bygones be bygones and things like that.
Liam
17:11 - 17:58
So I think, you know, things like, you know, gift giving and receiving can be Overstated sometimes and and I think that adds to the holiday stress like did did I get this person enough? You know, well, what is enough, you know? you know, hopefully your love can can take place of you know, any Glamorous gift or or you know sparkling item you can get that person so You know, that to me is another stressor that maybe you can take out of the equation if you do it right. Absolutely.
Liam
17:58 - 17:59
Yeah.
Greg
17:59 - 18:12
I mean, a simple card or there's no better gift that you could get for me than something that was made by hand, you know, homemade. It shows a lot of thought. We're really good. What about a coping round?
Greg
18:13 - 18:25
What's one practical thing each of you would recommend to someone that's maybe stressed this holiday? If you've already shared a tip, try and give another one. Keep it actionable and short and rich.
Rich
18:30 - 18:46
Um, I like grounding exercises. Um, I like, uh, breathing. Uh, I like calming myself. I know I, uh, did some things this holiday.
Rich
18:47 - 19:32
Uh, and I got, I had some anxiety leading up to it. And, uh, just before. Just before Going in I I just had to sit and Take a couple of not even minutes a couple of seconds to just take a few deep breaths. You know a couple deep inhales Count to five few exhales And just ground myself to a Remind myself where I was what was going on?
Rich
19:34 - 20:37
Be present in the moment Not let anxiety get the best of me and I was able to go and really enjoy My holiday gathering That for a split second I I almost let anxiety get the best of me and almost bailed on. All I needed to do was some breathing exercises, just calm down, think a little bit, breathe a little bit. And I've learned that with holiday travel, with visiting people, that I just need to do basic breathing exercises are my big one that helped me overcome anxious moments during the holidays. So that's what it was for me.
Greg
20:38 - 20:40
That really is a good one. Derek, how about you?
Derek
20:40 - 21:07
Well, Rich brought up a very good point. So jumping off and adding to what Rich just told us, and yeah, Yes, for this instance, holidays and get togethers with family. But for myself in general, whether you're at a wedding, funeral, work amongst friends, yada, yada. When in doubt, I would always.
Derek
21:09 - 21:28
If I had to go use the restroom, I would legitimately say I have to use the restroom, but when with my closers at work or wherever else, I have to go use the restroom right now. So that code was, I need to not be here for five minutes. I'm going to fake go to the restroom. Leave me alone, please.
Derek
21:28 - 21:44
I'll be right back. So I would, I have to go to the restroom right now. So then I would just meander into a restroom and I would go into a stall and sit, let people think I'm doing whatever great. And I would just sit there and breathe and ground myself.
Derek
21:44 - 21:58
And then I'd finish up, so to speak, and then excuse myself back into wherever. the party was or the family or the friends or the work. And I would just get back to it. So, yeah, that's helped me a lot.
Derek
21:58 - 22:07
Doesn't matter where I'm at. Just. They go to the restroom, collect yourself for five minutes and then do your thing. Yeah.
Greg
22:07 - 22:09
Thank you, Darren. Liam, how about yourself?
Liam
22:10 - 22:50
Yeah, I love those points, Derek and Rich made, and I think for me, you know, one One way I can think that, you know, can maybe relieve some stress with your loved ones is I like to break the ice early. Like when I, when I get to a gathering, I like to right off the bat start out with something like if I've had some painful history with somebody start out by saying, hey, it's it's so great to be with you. I love you. We haven't seen each other in a while.
Liam
22:50 - 23:10
So it kind of breaks the ice with the other person. They don't have to, you know, go through this whole, you know, silent treatment or, you know, all these games people play with each other right off the bat. You can kind of kill that notion. And so you can move past that.
Liam
23:11 - 23:35
So there's no, you know, funny business, so to speak, and it really helps. And even if maybe you're not putting your painful past, you know, behind you, at least for that gathering in that moment, you can be together and enjoy each other's company. And it's really better for the whole group as well. So there's not that tension.
Liam
23:35 - 23:45
And you can enjoy the holidays. So Yeah, I love what everybody said, and that's just kind of my two cents on top of it. Thank you,
Greg
23:46 - 24:11
Liam. You know, immediate exit, another good one would be to set up a rescue text code with a word that someone who you trust, you could call them with a reason, you know, to leave and use that code. Safe words of a partner, you could pick a phrase that's easy to remember and not likely to be said by accident. And it could have a clear meaning that's agreed on ahead of time.
Greg
24:12 - 24:44
Use an uncommon word that's not easily, you know. And then comfort items, consider touch items, you know, stress balls, texted items, move stones, fluffy animal. Visual, snow globe, a photo of someone that's safe to you, a calm down or I spy bottle for objects to search for. Something, noise canceling headphones can be great.
Greg
24:46 - 25:03
Something scented, you know, things like that. All those things can help. You know, just something to think about. Before we go, does anyone else have any final advice or a quick resource to recommend listeners for dealing with holiday stress?
Greg
25:07 - 25:31
Okay, well, thank you for spending time with us on the Supporting Kindness podcast. Today, we discussed how the holidays can cause anxiety, depression, loneliness, and stress. Reasons include crowds, travel, money worries, family conflict, substance use triggers, and some risk of self-harm. We also shared some practical tools you can use, simple breath work that Rich talked about.
Greg
25:31 - 26:24
planned exits, ways to say no, safe words, and some comfort items to keep you grounded in the moment. If you're having a hard time this holiday season, you're not failing, you're doing the best you can in a complicated time. We've put some resources in the show notes, including 988 Suicide Helpline, Crisis and Text Line, the Trevor Project for LGBTQ plus youth, SAMHSA National Helpline, FindTreatment.gov, National Alliance on Mental Illness, GriefShare, My Grief Angels, Wellbeings, Partnership to End Addiction, TAMS, which is the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, The Heron Project, Psychology Today for therapist directories, Open Path Collective, which is low-cost therapy, and Find a Helpline, which gives 24-7 global support in your country for your charge.
Greg
26:25 - 26:42
If you're in immediate danger or thinking of harming yourself, call 911 or your local emergency number. You can also call or text 988 if you're in the U.S. Listeners outside the U.S. check your local health services and crisis lines. You don't have to go through this alone. There is help and there is hope.
Greg
26:42 - 26:58
Thanks for listening to the Support and Kindness podcast. If this episode helped you, share it with someone who might need it and consider leaving a rating or review to help others find it. It really helps us. Join us next time for another inspiring conversation and take care.
