Mental Health Stigma In The Black Community & A Mom’s Heartbreaking Journey

All right, we're talking with Alma, and she is going to talk to us about mental health in the black community. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself first, though?

Okay. I'm a ordained minister. I'm an author, a motivational speaker, and a three year stroke survivor.

Wow. When did you have your stroke? You said three years ago.

Yes. April 21, 2021.

It's interesting to me that nobody ever forgets that date they had a stroke.

Right.

It's a major day. How are you doing?

I'm doing fine. The physical therapist said that I'm making some more progress in my legs, so I am just trusting the process.

Yeah, that's all you can do. I'm so glad you're doing well. So tell us a little bit about your mission.

My mission is, in 2009, my son passed away. And after his death, I was in a dark place. And even though I was a minister and I was preaching to other people silently, I was suffering inside. Because typically, in the black community as a whole and in the black church, they look down on therapy. They think that if you attend church and they slap some oil on you, that you're going to be okay. And then people that have to take mental health beds, they deem them as crazy or possessed by the devil, and you begin to wonder, I can't tell anybody this. I can't tell anybody that. Thoughts that I'm having, because on April 17 was his first birthday in heaven, and instead of.

I was thinking natural as a mother, and I was like, I wonder if my grandmother is giving my son a birthday party in heaven today. And I decided that nobody could celebrate your child's birthday better than you. So I said, today's the day I'm gonna go and be with my son. And I poured all my high blood pressure pills into my hand, and I was going to take them. I had lifted my hand to my mouth, and I heard a still voice say, if you do it, you won't see him again. So I put down the pills, and that was the day that I decided that I couldn't just survive, but I had to give myself permission to live again and that I had to talk to someone that everyone at church, ministers and priests, are not equipped to handle many of the mental problems that people have, and because they're not equipped, there's some that a therapist that can talk you through your trauma and your triggers, but then most are not. They haven't been educated. They've just been called by God.

But that doesn't settle every solution. There's sometimes not that God needs help, but God gave us therapists and doctors. It's like, it's all right and the african american community for you to be on high blood pressure pills or diabetic pills. But when you talk about, the doctor said, I need depression pills or anxiety anxiety pills, people tell you, not depressed. You're walking around, you're function, and you're not depressed, like, but you don't know how I feel inside. You don't know that I'm suffering in silence. And I decided that it's okay not to be okay and to go and speak to a therapist. And that therapist was able to talk me through my stages of grief, and I was okay.

But after I had my stroke, I was having really high anxieties. I had pictures. I believe I was falling out of bed. Every time they would try to change me, I would yell and scream. That just wasn't me. So once again, I had to ask them at the rehab, I need to talk to someone. And it was decided that I needed to be put on anxiety medication because my anxieties was hindering my healing.

Has that helped?

Yes.

Oh, good. Boy. It sounds like there was a lot of shame and kind of like embarrassment almost by needing help. And you got through that. You must be such a strong woman. Did you tell your church friends that you were seeking help?

Yes. Every time I testified, I said, it's okay not to be okay. And I talked about it on Facebook and let other people know that you don't have to suffer in silence. You see a lot of ministers and pastors committing suicide because they don't feel like they have a way out. They don't feel. They feel vulnerable, like they don't have anyone to talk to, anyone that understands because of the taboo of mental health in our community. But that's why there's so many people walking around the streets that have mental health conditions that they should be on medication, but because of the way that they were raised or the way that people view mental health in the african american community. No one wants to say that I'm on medicine.

No one wants to say that I'm speaking to a therapist or a psychologist. Whatever you needed. But I decided that I needed someone to talk to, and I didn't care what people thought about me. And that's the same reason why people say, well, why are you on podcasts and things, and you're laying in your bed and you can't move your bed ready? Is because I want people to see the real me, the real things that I went through and I bounce back. Like, I compare my life to that clown at the carnival, the clown that you throw the ball at it and you think that you won, you think that you knocked the clown out and you're just getting ready to reach for your grand prize when all of a sudden that clown bounces back up again and they put something in that clown that makes it bounce back. Well, I have something in me that every time I'm knocked down and you think that I'm knocked out, that I bounce back from it, because I feel like the worst thing that I could have went through in life is burying my only child. So everything else there, everything that else that happens, is pale comparison to burying your child. So everything that happens, I bounce back from.

It's just like, I don't. It's like, we can't. We complain about the weather, right? We complain about, oh, it's snow and, oh, it's cold, but it's nothing we can do about it. If it's going to snow, it's going to snow. So the fact that my right side has been affected is weakened. In my left side, I embrace the things that I cannot do and accept the things that I embrace the things I can do and accept the things I can't do. I accentuate the things that I can do. I thank God that I still have my cognitive skills and my language skills, because most people that had a stroke as bad as I did, their cognitive skills and their language skills are affected, but mine wasn't affected.

So I can still encourage people and inspire people just by my life. When you look at the things that I've been through and I survived them, you can, too. That the things that you're going and how you. As how you perceive them, you can either be better or better. You have the choice. You can choose. Even on your darkest day, you can choose to see the light in it.

I love that you can be better or better. I'm going to use that. So tell me, what was the reception like from your church family when you did start talking about that, that they.

Understood because of everything that I went through, that when you look at it, you say, honestly, if I had a. Went through half of what she went through, I would have needed somebody to talk to. And they understood that there was nobody in the church that was equipped to tell me anything because, number one, they were grieving also. You know, he was a member of the church also, so they were grieving. And it's nothing. It's like when you're going through you, you know a lot of things, but you don't want to hear it. Like when people say, oh, he's in a better place. And you're thinking in your mind, well, why don't your child go to the better place and you tell me how good that place is? Or you can have another, you can never replace, even if you have another child, you can never replace what you've lost.

So a lot of times people say things that at the time they're saying it, they're trying to be positive and they're trying to encourage you. But what they're saying you can't accept at the moment because you're going through, you're missing your child, you understand, but you're missed that we're not on this earth to stay forever, but you're missing your child, not seeing your child. Your circle was broken after the funeral, everybody goes home to the same old, same old, but just circle is forever broken.

Yeah. I would imagine that nobody could understand unless they had been a parent who.

Lost a child as well, right?

Yeah. Well, you have a beautiful testimony that you've been able to survive such a struggle. Have you heard back from anyone that you've helped? Because I would imagine you've helped a lot of people.

Yes, I talk to people that I help all the time because, and it's not just with losing a child. You find that you go through the stages of grief with the loss of anything, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a limb. So I encourage people by telling them that I'm here to listen, because when you're going through that, you don't want to hear anything. You just want somebody to listen to you and understand that they've been where you are and then they're on the other side. So if I made it to the other side, you can make it to the other side. That in and I don't. People want to tell you that with time you forget. No, I tell them that you'll never forget that.

On birthdays and other occasions, sometimes you just look at one of their friends and what they're accomplishing and you think about what your child could have accomplished or would have accomplished, and you cry. So it is no set time on grieving. Don't let anyone tell you there's an expiration date because people don't know how to deal with it, so they just don't want to talk about it. But you, it gets easier to deal with. You learn how to live through it, but you don't forget it's been 15 years since my son passed away and his birthday is coming up. His death day was February 13. I remember that day. On that day, I usually cry.

I usually do a tribute to him. But it gets easier to live through. You don't get stagnated in any one stage once you go through the proper stages of grief. And you have to learn that. Know that you fluctuate from denial to bargaining to anger until you finally get to acceptance. And you have to accept your life the way it is now without that person.

Do you feel like speaking out about this has been therapeutic for you as well?

Yes, because in the beginning, when he first passed away, I couldn't even say his name. All pictures that I had of him, I had put them all away because I couldn't even stand to look at his picture.

That's heartbreaking.

But now I look at his picture, I post him on Facebook. I have a picture of his grave site on my Facebook page. So now talking about it has made it easier for me to talk about the memories I have of him.

Right. And you can probably talk about some of the good memories and feel some good things.

Yes. They're all. He was an amazing young man. A matter of fact, there was over 1500 people at his funeral. The church was packed, the parking lot was packed, the basement. You couldn't even get in there to stand. It wasn't even standing, Roman. It wasn't because of me, but it was because of him that people called.

First of all, you know, when you have a young person pass away, you don't have insurance for them. You're not thinking that you have to bury them. You thinking they're going to bury you. Well, my community, my support system, my friends, the community, everyone got together and they raised over $10,000 in two days. No go fund me paid. They just raised people giving their vacation money, money they had saved to buy a house. They were just donating it. The funeral home, after people was calling them and saying what? And what wonderful young man he was.

The funeral home took off every course that they would have made. He only charged us what he had to pay out. So even in. Even in your darkest day, you see the hand of God. Because never before have I seen people raise $10,000 in two days. Tell. I had to tell people to stop giving me money. I don't need any more money.

We have. We haven't. Because I'm like, money can't bring my son back. So I'm not exporting people. I'm excited about what they're doing and what they're sacrificing. So as soon as I got the money that would the funeral home needed, I stopped all donations.

Wow. I gotta say, I got chills. Just thinking about the community coming together like that is incredible. Are you still involved with that church?

Yes, I still teach Bible study at that church. My friends that were in charge of the fundraising and whatever were still very good friends. The local delis got together and did the food for the repairs, so I didn't have to worry about anything. My friends and my family, they went in to identify his body. They went to make sure that everything was all right that day. All I had to do was attend the funeral.

Wow.

That everything leading up to it, the community and my friends and family did.

I'm so glad you had such an outpouring of love. What would you say to someone that's going through something similar and feels like they can't speak about what they're going through or seek help?

That don't let the views you of society stop you from getting the help you need. Be like the woman in the Bible with the issue of blood. That tradition and everything would have stopped her from touching Jesus garment. But she wanted help so bad that she didn't care about tradition. She didn't care about legalism. That's what you have to do when you need help. And don't feel ashamed. It's not taboo to need help.

It's not. Nothing bad on you. Sometimes we just need to talk to somebody and sometimes you need the medication to regulate those emotions.

Yeah, I agree. Well, thank you, you with so much. I really appreciate you coming on today. Is there anything else you want to put out there today for our listeners?

I just want to tell the listeners that no matter what situation or circumstance they find themselves in, what storm that they're going through, no storm lasts forever that the storm is going to end. Nothing that you're going through doesn't have an expiration date. Don't give up, don't give in and don't give out. That hold on to your dreams and your purpose. That I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Because before I had my strength, I have written two books and a number of anthologies. After having my stroke with just one hand and a determination and a motivation to tell my testimony, I wrote two books. One's a Bible study book and one is against having a stroke, surviving a stroke against all odds.

A book and a healing journal that the scriptures that I use along my healing journey to keep me uplifted and to increase my faith. So I know that when you have a purpose and that God has a purpose and a plan for each and every one of us. And sometimes we take twists and we take turns, but we will get to the destination. So anybody who has a dream, I don't care if you want to go back to school. You want to write a book, write a song. And you rock those dreams to sleep thinking that you'll never have them. Well, I double dog dare you to dream again.

Oh, that's beautiful. So where can we find you and your books?

You can find me on Facebook. I'm revamping my website, so I'll be able to sell my books on there. So you can look for that. In about three weeks. My website would be up and running. So it's on Facebook? You can. It's Facebook Galma Thomas and Instagram 830.

Okay, great.

All right, well, thank you so much for taking time to come and just share your story with us today.

Thank you for having me and allowing me to be transparent and share my testimony with you.

Oh, thank you. All right, I hope you have a great weekend.

I hope you do, too. Bye.