Ever wondered why some relationships start with admiration but end in frustration? This episode dives deep into the journey of self-healing through our connections with others. Kim and Jill explore how being drawn to someone’s strengths can reveal hidden aspects of ourselves, and why shifting from external focus to internal growth is key. Discover how judgment, blame, and gossip can block your healing—and learn powerful ways to turn those challenges into opportunities for transformation.

Key takeaways:
- Admiring others often highlights what we want to develop within ourselves.
- Blame and judgment create inner toxicity; true healing starts by looking inward.
- Awareness is the foundation for self-growth—shine a light on your patterns early!

Tune in now for practical wisdom on navigating complex relationships and unlocking personal breakthroughs!

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Hello, lovely listeners, and good morning, Kim. Good morning, Jo. Good morning, everyone. It's Kim and Jill, one harmonical back for another message.

Today we're going to talk about that one person—or you may have many—but that one person that you were attracted to in the past. Maybe they had some really cool talent, some strength, maybe they were able to stand up to people that you weren't able to stand up to. And you were just enthralled with this person and you're like, man, I want to be friends with that person. I want to be like that person. That person has something I don't have—whether it's the looks, whether it's their charisma—but you're drawn to that person and you're like, cool. And that person's like, yeah, I can help you. I can totally help you out. Like, yeah, pull this side of you out. You want to be—you want to be like this? I'll help you out.

And they do that. And all of a sudden you get to the point where you're just like, wait a sec. You start having a little bit of judgment feelings. You start feeling like something's off between you two. Maybe you're like, oh, that person's kind of a V. Oh, I guess I didn't see that before. And then all of a sudden you start hearing—oh, this is when once you start doubting or judging this relationship—how it started; it started off with great intention, like I want to learn to be like that person.

Okay, right there—we did something wrong right there. We chose to be like somebody else instead of being like ourselves. So external focused rather than internal focus.

Yep, yep.

But it might have got you to a spot where you actually were now doing some internal healing and you didn't know it. And we started doing some self-judging, some self-criticism. We wanted to put blame on the other person for something that's not happening within ourselves. All they were doing—they were holding their space. They were holding that intention that you initially signed up for to be around. They held it for you; you get to do with it as you want. You cannot blame them. You cannot judge them at all.

And some people would call—I’ve seen this in the clinic where people come in and are like: oh, I'm with this relationship; it's such a toxic relationship; or this person's narcissistic.

I'm like: but really—are they? Or are you?

Why did you start the relationship? Oh, it started off great.

And then what happened? Well, this and that.

And they put blame on everybody else instead of seeing within themselves.

Where the true healing comes in is going internally and being like: oh, I was drawn to this; I'm trying to clear—what is happening inside is you're clearing up your own garbage, your own fears, your own old belief systems basically are coming up to the surface for you to see—that don’t align anymore with you.

So say you wanted to be a rock star—I think I'm a rock star—so you want to be a rock star so you start hanging out with these rockstar people on the side and all of a sudden you're just like: well they're just... Now they're just not the right person; well it was great for a little while; now they just turned into this and they're being mean to me and they're criticizing me or I'm not getting where I want to be right now; they're not helping me anymore to align with that.

What they're doing is they're helping you to clear out your blocks—to actually be that great rock star—they're going to continue to be who they are; they are strong with who they are and they're holding that strength—but when you start judging things that's on you—or start blaming.

Yep, yep.

Judging—judging or blaming or gossiping—deflecting—there's just loads of words for it—it will all diminish our capacity to self regulate, self heal—any of that—because then we can become very focused on this person that we once were attracted to for whatever reason—and instead of being focused on that and then like you're saying what we can see and now learn and grow internally—instead of doing that process people will distract themselves and blame that person and gossip—and quite honestly bitch about them—you know—and if... What if you start doing that? You're really literally harming yourself—you’re harming your own healing process—you know? It's like—you have to really stop and reflect and choose what you want to create inside of you—you want to create the opportunity to learn, grow—you know—overcome obstacles—take down blocks—whatever it might be—or would you prefer to distract yourself and blame gossip—find people—you know—that you can grow this blame on someone else—and... Whatever—I just—I keep getting this—when you go that route—and we've all done it at times—when you go that route—it’s very... That's what becomes toxic internally—to ourselves—we're creating our own toxic environment—and what's really tricky about it then is that we'll say “that person is toxic.”

Yes.

Yep.

And perhaps they are—but we could have chosen at any point—to either not engage in that toxicity or quell it or minimize it or—you know—and it's not... It's so powerful—our choice—what we decide to engage with—and how—and when—and when it's okay—to actually say “I'm done with this relationship,” “I'm done with that,” or—you can literally say “Okay—I understand—they were helping me see a part of myself—that I could not see—I didn’t know was even deep down buried”—like “this anger,” “this frustration”—they actually helped bring that outside of me.

Okay—maybe they don't need to be around you anymore—but they brought it out so—you have to be grateful—that they've brought something out inside of you—and... You can be with that—and be at peace with that—and saying “thank you,” “thank you for bringing that out”—doesn't mean I need to stay in the relationship—but they did what they were supposed to for you—and the more you acknowledge that—and just thank them for being in your path when they need to be in your path—and letting them go—and then looking at yourself and saying: ooh—I’m grateful—that this came up—to the surface so I can get past my own blocks—I can get past those judgment things—that I'm... That is blocking my own self healing—that was my journey started—to be a rock star—they showed me where some of my weaknesses are—that prevents me from being the rock star I want to be—like awesome! Okay cool! Now what do I need—to do—to keep moving on? What do I need—to keep moving forward?

And at this juncture—it seems—it appears kind of complicated or complex—and it's like—it is when we let these things grow—they are not near as complex or difficult when we tune in and tend to them very early on—it’s like when you tend-to-it very early-on—that-you realize-this-person-you-know-that-you-used-to-admire-is-now-causing-you-difficulties-when-you-tend-to-that-internally-tend-to-that-it's-quite-a-bit-easier-when-you-let-it-go-and-you-can-become-an-ostrich-stick-your-head-in-the-sand-and-pretend-like-that-person-isn't-you-know-whatever-now-you-end-up-getting-into-more-complexity-and-and-like-having-to-back-yourself-you-know-out-of-that-situation-if-you-will-and-it's-just-like-there's-just-more-layers-to-it-so-it's-just-interesting-because-a-lot-of-times-people-ah-it's-so-complex-and-I-was-just-going-to-say-it-like-we-make-it-complex-ourselves-so-if-it's-that-complex-we-made-that-complex-and-that's-our-journey-to-get-out-of-that-complexity-and-maybe-not-replicate-that-again-right

It's really... If I were-to-give-it-all-one-word-to-what-we've-just-discussing-right-now-in-terms-of-self-healing-is-it's-awareness-and-awareness-is-like-shining-a-light-on-it-at-whatever-juncture-you-shine-a-light-on-something-where-you-see-it-is-magnificent-if-you-do-it-early-it's-a-little-simpler

Yes

If-you-do-it-later-it's-a-little-more-complex-but-again-staying-on-a-judging-it-that-doesn't-matter

When-you-shine-the-light-on-it-bring-it-to-your-awareness-that-the-magnificent-self-healing-moment

Absolutely

I love-this

Yep

Awesome

And then all-a-sudden

And that's-all-folks-oh-my-goodness-who-is-that-guy-the-character-cartoon-huh-cartoon

Yes-oh-my-goodness-that's-like-a-bunny-thing

Yeah-or-something

Yeah-thats-all-fun

Okay-oh-thank-you-Jill-thank-you-everyone

Yes-thank-you-Kim-and-thank-you-for-listening-until-next-time