Secrets. Sharing Burdens Safely

In this podcast, I wanna talk about how important it is to strive to find individuals in the world, in your circle of relationships that are safe to talk to? Why is it that we keep some of our deepest challenges secret and that we're not willing to openly talk about them? No. It's fear of criticism, fear of judgment, and yet carrying burdens around, the deep emotional burdens, just carrying them around by ourselves is is just so hard and so heavy. I was thumbing through the book, The Body Keeps the Score, of doctor Bessel van der Kolk, and he's talking about a client that, that he was working with who was raped.

And it says I'm just reading the paragraph. During our next meeting, she told me she had also been raped by her lab instructor in college. I asked her whether she had sought help and made a complaint against him. She states, I couldn't make myself cross the road to the clinic, she replied. I was desperate for help, but as I stood there, I felt very deeply that I would only be hurt even more, and that might well have been true.

Of course, I had to hide what happened from my parents and from everyone else. And that's something to be carrying that around with you because and I've I've I've heard this so many times with individuals struggling with things. They they felt that if they opened up and talked about what was going on with them, they'd be hurt even more. I would encourage anyone who might be listening to this podcast who is carrying deep secrets around with them that they get into therapy or they find a clergyman or some form of confession that that you're able to go and unfettered yourself, unburden yourself with carrying this load. I'm working with another individual right now who he has struggled with a sexual addiction.

And as you listen to his story, I mean, his marriage is in in jeopardy right now because he's finally come clean with everything. But he's kinda, like, born again. But now the reality is because of what he's done, the consequences has affected his wife, and she's choosing to stay with him, but yet it's created all sorts of issues in his relationship that I'll that I'll discuss in a little bit. But as I listen to his story, I have compassion for him. Whereas as and and I see why it's so hard to come clean with things because of now the consequences he's dealing with and as I've seen so much in people's lives.

So he describes himself as a wallflower. He was never included in any groups, and he he just kinda made it through high school and, and then went to college, but he, you know, never had any relationships, was super shy. Girls didn't find him attractive and, or he just didn't have enough confidence to develop a relationship. He's not he's not an unattractive individual, but he just had low self esteem and just going through life. And so he got into college and completely lonely, almost in despair, but going through the motions, and then he goes, well, I I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm going to venture out and try some of these dating sites.

And so he got on one of the dating sites, and he started connecting online with individuals. And as and and then he went on a date. And after a couple of dates, you know, and he'd go out and buy dinner and stuff like that. And one of one of the women on the dates said to him, why don't why don't we just have sex instead of you paying for dinner or doing this? Why don't you just give me the money, and we'll do this?

He being completely vulnerable and naive, and he goes, well, I've never had that before and boom. And there and that's when it started. And then from then on, you know, a few times every month for years, and then he got married without disclosing any of this, and yet and and then he found that after a period of time when he'd have a conflict with his wife or didn't feel understood, he'd had developed this addiction, he would find himself secretly going back and having these liaisons again. And, anyway, as we've tried to unravel this whole thing and he's opened up and talked about it, it it's just like and this is and this is something that's so critical to understand about those who struggle with any addiction. He never intentionally said I'm going to go out and do something bad.

I'm gonna go out and hurt somebody. And yet he developed this addiction, and then he got married. And then, yep, he made a commitment, and he absolutely should have been true to that commitment. But because he never resolved some of these issues of when he becomes bored, lonely, angry, stressed, tired, or frustrated with his wife, his addictive brain would just drive him back to these behaviors. And because and this is what he said.

He said, I had learned to perfect secrecy. I could appear one way and yet keep my secret life hidden from other people. And it just makes you really question and wonder how many people are really living life this way, but it always comes to an end. You can't keep doing this forever. It wears on you until finally in his situation, it broke him.

But and when and when he finally came clean, he says, then my life began, that I I no longer wanted to live in this place of secrecy. It was horrific. And we also talked about the women who are doing these things. How is it do you think they can live with themselves? And he felt he he just felt tremendous compassion for them too that they're miserable.

They're struggling. They're trying to find themselves. They're trying to make money. But can you imagine living with yourself if you're doing things like that? Now his issue is and so on both sides of the coin of that, both parties are not finding peace.

They're chasing something that can never bring peace and satisfaction. And so compassion needs to go out to both. Help needs to go out to both to to to reach out and say there's different way to live life. This it it it will never satisfy anything and it will just it it just leads to unhappiness and misery and weakness, sickness. Your immune system starts breaking down because you're constantly you cannot be living in that state without stress hormones flowing through your body on a continual basis, and we're just not built to live that way.

Our immune systems can't function. Eventually, they'll get get overwhelmed, and then you and like I said, you get diseases and stuff like that. Anyway so on the flip side of it, then you have his beaut this client that I'm talking about, his beautiful wife. She's an amazing individual, fairly stable, well educated, has honored her marriage vows, and she loves him. And so she's trying to understand him, and so he says to me so he's been he's been free of all this activity for approximately a year.

And so he comes to me, and he says, well, now and and he's gone through his bouts of he was suicidal and thinking, I know I've hurt my wife so much. I what I've done, I can't believe it. I'm so ashamed of what I've done. And and he's worked through that and no longer wants to kill himself, but, as he's under gained a deeper understanding of addiction and how the addicted part of the brain, that limbic unconscious of the brain drives one to this behavior. Now he says his biggest issue is when he is being completely honest with his wife.

His his wife, if he comes home late from work, she starts questioning him and doesn't believe him. And he says, that's a massive trigger for me. And he says, what do I do with that? And I says, well, this is a part of the consequences of your behavior, and you gotta give your wife some grace. You have to give her some time and patience and understand that that's how her brain works also is that she's been threatened.

Her world has been rocked. And so any time that there's any situation where you come home late or anything that might trigger that, her limbic system is gonna do that to try to keep her alive and protect her. So you have got to be patient with her because she is being extremely patient with you, and you have to understand that and be kind to her and allow her you're right, honey. What do you need from me? I'm if you're if you're 2 hours late coming home, you got caught at work, well, get on the phone and do a FaceTime with her.

This is exactly where I'm at, honey. I totally understand where you're at. This is where I'm at. See show the phone around to, appease your fears or whatever you need to do. But but, again, he wants to shout what he's done from the rooftops.

He wants all family members to know because he doesn't care. He says, I'm I'm, like, born again, and I wanna let people know how this happens in case they're struggling with it. But his wife is saying, no. We're we're not gonna tell anyone. She's not told anyone in her family even though she's super close to her family because she's afraid of judgments, criticisms, and that's true.

So we gotta be very, very mindful and careful of who we tell. That's why people keep secrets. So every individual needs to decide for themselves what they're what they're going to do, finding a safe place to talk about things and to keep things, within the realm of not everyone needs to know your dirty laundry because it will be used against you as time goes on. It can be. And those individuals, when you open up, if if, and that's the challenge, and that's why people keep things secret.

But that's why I'm saying search search for those who might create that sanctity, that safe place, therapy. Therapists are bound by confidentiality, to not repeat certain things. So but but he said just the fact of him having to carry these secrets around with the weight of the secret is just crushing. And having compassion for the human struggle, as I have been in the addiction recovery field for so many years and worked with so many individuals, I rarely I rarely find individuals who get caught in addiction, who are just bad people, who want to harm other people. Now they're out there.

K. I'm talking about and I'm not there are a few people like that out there. That's not who I'm talking about. If you have a desire to be understood, if you have a desire to become clean, if you have a desire to change, then risk. You have to risk putting yourself out there and talking about things and dealing with with some of the consequences of your behavior.

Just be be a grown adult and deal with the consequences and own it. And because it's better that is better in the long run, having integrity and honesty of pulling yourself together than continuing to live with this secret. So ponder that. If if, anyone listening to this podcast is struggling with deep secrets. I know that there are many who have done certain things and much said, I'll take this to my grave, but I don't know.

I don't think you have to. And, and and and that you have to choose for yourself. But if the burden is just weighing you down and keeping you stuck in the addictive cycle, sometimes becoming completely clear and and free and speaking the truth can help you begin the process of recovery and change. There is a better life available for you. It is possible to change and move forward.

You do not need to continue in, with with certain behaviors that in in the end simply will not help you. Like, one of the classic sayings in in addiction, recovery is one time is too many with certain things and a thousand never enough. And you can never get enough of what you truly don't need because what you truly don't need will never satisfy you.