Embracing Life's Challenges

In this morning's podcast, I just want to talk about the reality of the continual process of facing challenges in our life. The true problems in life, we need to accept that they're never really gonna be solved completely. They're not meant to be solved. So imagine if, everything were completely perfect in our lives, that we achieved everything we wanted to achieve, and we received everything that we wanted to receive, as in relation to relationships and to material things in the world. I I don't think that that's not how things are meant to be.

We're never meant to be fully satisfied. If we were fully satisfied, what would then happen? We would never work on making any progress. It just seems like it's inherent in each individual that I've ever come across in life that they were always striving. We're always working on things.

We're always trying to develop and become better and better. And there just seems to be some purpose in in this process. You know, a good question that, I came across the other day as we're looking into our future. And, you know, like, for example, where are we gonna be 5 years from now in our lives? And this is the question that is that struck me and I think is powerful for for us to consider.

What will I regret not having done at some future date? As we look at our lives and I'm thinking of Bonnie Ware, individual who worked with those who were dying. And then she wrote a book on that, the 5 regrets of of I think it's called the 5 regrets of the dying. As individuals are reflecting on their life in the last few months of their life, the top regret is not having lived the life that they really wanted to. That should cause us to stop and reflect on where we are.

What is it that we want to do with our lives? And if if again, back to this question, what will I regret not having done at some future date? And we can't let this this overwhelming striving for perfection stop us from acting in some way towards our goal. Sometimes the expectations we set for ourselves are so high that it it and it seems so impossible that we remain kinda stuck and frozen. The fear of not being able to achieve what we want to achieve just makes us not even attempt.

And as we're as and also as this relates to the relationships in which we might find ourselves struggling in. I'm doing some relationship counseling with, well, with a number of couples right now. And I was listening to a presentation by John Gottman, who is one of the world's leading researchers on relationships and how how the positive, relationships or those who seem to do well in relationships, how they manage things. And that he said something really interesting in his presentation, and this goes back to the very first thing I I talked about in this podcast that we always seem to have obstacles. He said that those individuals that they have followed for a number of years who are successful in their relationships never fully solve the issues that they're dealing with.

It's like he's followed some couples for 10 years and 10 years later, they're still kind of dealing with the same issues that they were dealing with. But it's the way they do it determines whether they're gonna be successful or not. And here are 3 things that he said. Three things to ponder about dealing with difficult situations and especially as it relates to relationships. The first thing he said, he calls it love map.

And that means that if you if you really love another person, you'll strive to take an interest in them. Like seriously from your perspective asking questions to them. How are you how well do you really know your partner? Like the following questions. How are you feeling about your job?

How are you feeling about being a mother, a wife? How do you feel about being an employee and just putting off the judgment and criticism and listening listening to to your partner to try to understand them. Ask a number of questions and don't think don't think you really understand unless you you dive deep in and ask questions and strive to listen to them. And that's what he calls a love map. Number 2, showing fondness and and and again, these are the three things that happen in those in relationships that last and make it.

The other is showing a fondness and appreciation or admiration for your partner. In one couple he was dealing with and they they came to a retreat he was putting on and he asked the husband, well, what how do you tell me about the feelings of your wife when you first met her. And he said things like, man, I I was so impressed with her. She was so intelligent. I admire her admired her capacity to work and to focus.

I respected her so much and was was proud of how accomplished she she seemed. And then, Gottman asked the husband a question, have you ever told your wife that? Does your spouse know that? And he asked the spouse the question and she said, I never knew he actually had those feelings towards me. Because he never said anything like that.

So that's showing fondness and appreciation. And then this last one is called tiny moments. Is so profoundly significant. And in all of our interactions with with our partners or those in our circle of relationships, there are tiny bids for attention, and he uses this example. And and see how this applies to your life.

A spouse was looking out the window of their apartment, and she said something. Oh, and and they were actually in Washington at the time, the state of Washington, looking over a river, and there was a beautiful yacht going by. And she said, oh, man. There's a beautiful yacht going by. The husband was sitting over on the couch, you know, cleaning his glasses and and that the husband could respond in a number of different ways.

And this is what he calls turning towards or turning away. So, so if the spouse said, she looks outside and she makes a comment, it's a bid for attention. She makes that comment so that the spouse will turn towards her and show fondness and appreciation like so the most productive way for the spouse to respond would be, oh, let me come and see honey and he'd get up and come over and look and go, wow. Whether he really wanted to look at a yacht or he felt the same way, it was the wife's bid for attention. Hey.

Pay attention to me. I'm looking at something out there. Am I a value to you? And if he would get up and go over and and show some attention and appreciation, the wife feels valued, feels important. Or now consider this, the guy could sit on the couch and just completely stonewall her, not say anything, keep keep cleaning his glasses and not respond to her.

What is the message to his wife? You're not important. That's silly. Who cares about a yacht? That's one way to respond.

Now, what if he said, and he even said something to that effect? You know, come on. Why don't you make dinner? Why aren't you doing something else? Why are you wasting time looking out the window?

These tiny moments from from John Gottman, who is one of the world's leading researchers on relationships. He says, these tiny moments turning towards or turning against are one of the prime predictors of whether a relationship will survive the challenges and obstacles that are just inherent in all relationships in life. The reality is no two people see the same thing the same way. One of the greatest examples of this is is, a number of years ago there was a woman who put a wedding dress online. And the simple question was, is this what do you see in this wedding dress?

And the question is, is it gold and white or blue and black? And I've actually done this this with, some of my family members. I, when I and you you can just Google it. The gold and white dress, the blue or black dress, and it'll come up. It's fascinating to me because I look at it, it's clearly gold and white.

And I was with my son-in-law and I and I was explaining this to him. He says, Really? Let me see that. And then and then I showed him the picture and he says, I see blue and black. And I said, No, it's gold and white.

And he said, No, it's blue and black. And my understanding is about 60% of the people see gold and white, and 40% of the people see blue and black. Therefore, we can never say with certainty that someone sees these things the same way we see. So trying to pay attention to another person's point of view, trying to honor them and see things from their perspective, especially as it relates to relationships, enhances the probability that that you can improve your relationship and that and that, you know, life can be a little easier. It takes us, each one of us, to take a look inside of ourselves and take the focus off of ourselves and put that focus on another person.

Anyway, something to think about. So the 3 three things, love mapping, asking a number of questions, open ended questions, learn everything you can about your partner, Show fondness and appreciation. Does your spouse know the positive things you feel towards towards them? And tiny moments, bids for attention. Paying attention and showing appreciation in those moments.