Empathy and Boundaries: Building Stronger Connections

I wanna start this morning's podcast with a reminder of some of the things that I've talked about before as it relates to the mindset of those who seem to be the most successful at navigating through the challenges of life. The stormy seas of life, all of us face obstacles daily, whether it's anxiety, depression, feelings of isolation. And I was reading a study recently that that states that about 25% of Americans have no one, not one person they feel close enough to share a significant problem with. And isolation we're we're not we're not built to be isolated from other people. From my experience of of being a mental health therapist for so many years, what we truly desire as human beings and need is a feeling of deep connection, a feeling of oneness with at least another person, and hopefully more than that, having friends.

Right? Perhaps you've heard of the longevity studies, one of the longest running studies that have have ever been conducted, at Harvard, and basically states this in a nutshell, that those who live the longest and are the healthiest are surrounded by friends, meaning they have deep connections with other people. I and in this study, it also states that isolation, feeling isolated and not connected to other people is more detrimental to our health than, like, smoking cigarettes. Now that's mind boggling. And so so the then we ask the question, well, what do we do if we feel isolated?

And as I've thought about this, I I, you know, I've come to the conclusion, if you want a friend, you've gotta be a friend. You're instead of waiting for someone to come and reach out to you, you be the one to try to reach out to another person and to listen and to hear and understand another person. Be a friend to them so that they can feel heard and understood, and then they perhaps can be a friend to you. Now in this process, we've got to be very mindful and aware of those whom we pick and choose to be our friends, because there is this powerful, thing that happens between people, and it's called influence. So we influence others, others influence us, and so what I'm suggesting is to be very mindful and aware of the friends, those individuals you choose to connect with and want to have a deeper relationship with.

I would encourage you to, at at least, the best that you can, to look at their characteristics, their character traits to see if that will be a positive influence on you. If you are surrounding yourself with negative people, with negative influencers, then they drain energy from you. I I I love a statement. I remember reading from from Emily dick Dickinson who said, I felt it shelter to speak with you. I felt it shelter to speak with you.

Do you have anyone in your life that feels safe that you can talk to, that they're not gonna take the information that you give them about some of the deepest struggles of your soul and use them against you. I think that's what prevents most people from, from reaching out a little bit because they don't they don't have that confidence that they'll keep, you know, what you're talking about between you and truly be there as a friend to help bear your burdens and to lift your spirits, so to speak. But if you're struggling to feel connected to other people, I would suggest that you be the one to try to to reach out and be a friend to others instead of waiting for them to come to you and then kinda watch what happens. And in the process of being with another person, I would suggest and this is something we learn in the counseling field. It's very, very challenging to do.

You might think it's easy to do, but it's extremely challenging. It's something called listening. Listening with out jumping in and giving your solutions that, you know, this is what you should do in order to correct this to correct this problem. We'll do this. You should break up with this person.

You should, you know, and on and on and on according to your opinion. Just listen. Listening and creating a safe environment for someone to explore some of their options is the most powerful thing you can do. And and many of the things that I've heard from from others well, actually, let me back up a little bit. This this past week, I was asked to speak at a young women's conference.

And so there were 4 different sections that I spoke in 40 minutes apiece or about 25, young ladies in each of the, sections. And, anyway and there was question and answer periods that that I said, do you guys have any questions? You know? And and let them know what I did for as a as a career, and I was a mental health therapist. And one of the young young ladies says, is it ever difficult for you working with someone?

And I go, yeah. Pretty much every day. And she goes, well, why why is that? And I go, well, it's because I can't change another person. People come to me with their challenges and problems, and my the only thing I can do is create a safe environment to help them explore possible options for solving their own problems.

I can't solve a problem for them, so I can't take their pain away. I can't fix them. And and sometimes that's challenging because those individuals that that, you you know, been working with, are dealing with some pretty significant issues that have become entrenched. And helping an individual unwind, or untangle themselves from some of the challenges that that have been years in the making is very, very challenging. And so as a therapist, I talked about learning to set boundaries.

It's the same thing in any relationship. So I'd ask you to do the same thing, setting a boundary. So picture in your minds, like, what a boundary is. It means there's there's a division between parts. And when you're too enmeshed with another person, that means you're taking too much on yourself.

And part of of of being a mental health therapist, is like an emergency room doctor. You have to be able to put your professional hat on to listen with empathy and understanding and kindness without allowing some of the very challenging and hard things you hear to impact you so much that you can't do your work. And that's one that's one of the challenging things of of being a good friend or being a therapist is setting clear and strong boundaries. So when you're able to set clear and strong boundaries, then you you're showing some you're able to exude confidence that you can bear another person's suffering without it crushing you. That's what a true friend is.

But take a look at yourself and and make sure that you're healthy. I I do remember a colleague that as we were in the early years of our career, and it it's quite a challenge to become a mental health a licensed mental health therapist. 7 years of college, 6 or 7 years of college, you have to get your master's degree, and then you have to get 3 to 4000 hours, depending on the state in which you're getting licensed in, of supervised training of doing group therapy, individual counseling with a supervisor looking at all of your work, then you have to sit and take national exams, which are very, very challenging. And so the idea of getting through all that and then actually getting your license, that's that's the that's one of the major pillars or or challenges that someone faces in in this particular career. And I remember a colleague who was, you know, a couple years ahead of me.

And so as we were, collecting our hours working at a facility, actually a methadone clinic, which is a very challenging place to work. I remember him finally getting his license. Got all his hours, got all his schooling done, and then he showed me his his card, his license with his name on it. And then he said something stunning to me. He says, you know what?

I'm not doing this for a living. I'm gonna be a commercial painter. And I said, what? And he says, yep. I've I've been trying and trying and trying, and I just can't do it.

I get too involved in other people's problems, and it it it take takes too much of a toll on me. And so he went through his whole process, got his license, and then he chose to do something else. So blessings upon him that he knew that about himself and knew that if he continued in that area, that it wouldn't be good for him. So changing courses is okay. Then you just go you just go back to the drawing board, get up, and keep trying.

So, anyway, so what's the message of this podcast as I've kind of been rambling along here with some thoughts this morning. If you want a friend, be a friend. Set boundaries. Try to figure out what that means for you. You cannot solve another person's problem.

You can only be there to show them that you care about them, you love them, and that and there's some healing that actually takes place as you bear witness to another person's story without it crushing you and without you feeling like you need to solve that person's problems. K. One of the very first things that I that I learned from a a great mentor as I got into the field says people are gonna come to you with very significant and problems. After the therapy session, allow them to take those problems with them. Don't take them home with you.

And as I've learned to do that, it's allowed me to spend the last 30 years doing this work while at the same time giving them as much empathy and love and understanding as possible as I'm striving to help them find their solutions to the problems and challenges they face.