Holiday Stress

Feeling alone this holiday season? You're not alone. In this heartfelt episode, we tackle the emotional rollercoaster many face during Christmas—from family stress to loneliness and the quest for meaningful connections. Our host shares insights on how young single adults often grapple with negative dating experiences yet strive to hold onto hope. Discover practical strategies for embracing solitude through mindfulness and self-compassion, while also learning to focus your mind positively amidst life's chaos.

Key Takeaways:
- Embrace being good company with yourself; practice mindfulness and self-compassion.
- Focus intentionally on positive relationships or tasks to combat loneliness.
- Develop a resilient mindset: can-do attitude, healthy humor, zero victim mentality.

Tune in now for empowering advice that will help you navigate the festive season with strength and purpose!

To address the issue, especially around the holidays, some of the emotions and feelings that come up around Christmas time with families, to address the issue of family stress, and also the feeling that we struggle with of of being alone and some who are alone at Christmas. I work with a lot of young single adults in their mid to late twenties, early thirties who were single, and find it they just have an aching inside of them to find a partner. And many of them have talked to me about this through the years. They wanna hang on to hope, believing that something positive is coming. But when they keep coming across negative dating experiences, then sometimes they find it really, really difficult to continue to move on.

And in those situations, really, all you can do is just be there for them, understand. And at the end of the day so think of this. At the end of the day, we're all alone in our heads. A good and if you think about it, the vast majority of every single day is just alone with ourselves and with our thoughts. Even in a committed relationship, if you were to document the actual time spent communicating, it's very very small during the day.

Even in the house, you're off doing your different things. Most of the time, you're alone in your head. So the work is to be good company with yourself. Learn to be okay with being silent. Learn to be okay just just being in your own skin.

And I know that's extremely difficult for most of us to do, but that's where the work of mindfulness comes in, self compassion. Because inside of us, we we have a a critical judge, a part of our psyche. Some have referred to this as what's called a superego. It's a part of us that no matter what we do, it's not good enough. Right?

Then we have this other part of us that's on the complete opposite end of the spectrum that eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die. Right? Don't judge me. Don't criticize me. I'm doing whatever I wanna do.

And and then we're the ego is in the middle. So we got these three parts of our psyche. And the work of mental health through mindfulness is to be grounded more in what's called the ego, being present here in the now, being okay with ourselves. And many, many times, we do have to wrestle with struggling thoughts, feelings, and emotions, temptations that come upon all of us from time to time. We're all always struggling with that.

You know, there's been since I'm doing this this podcast on the road, I'm I'm, I don't have the the book right in front of me right now, but there is a book that's entitled Willpower is Not Enough. And I remember in that book, there's a study that, people wore, beepers. And throughout the day, the people who are doing the study just would contact them and ask ask the individual, what is it that you're thinking right now? What are you feeling? What are you thinking?

And if I recall correctly, it was about 40 to 50% of every single respondent said that they were struggling with a temptation, a desire. Food, anger, sex. They were wrestling with those emotions on a regular basis. This is just throughout the day because that's what that's what the mind does. It's always moving, wandering mind.

That's why learning to be engaged in a task is finding a purpose. Creating a purpose is so important. There's something in our brains called that some neuroscientists have called the default mode network. And what the research has shown as they take a picture of a person's brain as they're thinking or not not thinking on something specifically with things called PET scans, fMRI, it's fascinating that when we're thinking, totally engaged and focused on something, our brain tends to quiet down. And it and it and there's more peace to it.

And when we're done with a specific task and then our mind starts wandering and starts it's kinda like I don't know. The the the vision just came into my mind of a lighthouse. Right? The lighthouse is it's going around and around and around, and and, the light is is going around in a circle. That's what a wandering mind is like.

And a focused mind is when the lighthouse stops and it focuses on something. And the research shows that a focused mind is a happy mind, and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind. And, actually, the brain becomes way more active. It lights up. It means all sorts of parts in our brains are firing up when we're not focused on something.

And so I go back to this this place of loneliness when we feel we're not connecting with people, or there's family stress in relationships. Our mind is tends to be wandering. So this holiday season, we're in relationships that you're you're not just working with some ideas with you right now. Try to be make an attempt, an intentional attempt to be more focused on something particular that is positive. Let's say, for example, that you you're, going home for Christmas or you're being with a a group of people, family get together, and you don't enjoy the company of some of those that you're around.

It just irritate you. Most everyone that I've talked to and I've talked to on this subject say, yeah. Talked to a young man this last week. He says, we're we're getting together with family. It was for Thanksgiving, actually.

And he says, oh, man. I, you know, I don't like my I don't like my father-in-law. He just irritates me to death, and and then he said the number of reasons why. But he loves his mother-in-law, loves, you know, the other, you know, siblings of his wife in in, in the family. I said, well, focus on them intentionally.

Focus. Don't focus on the negative person. Put some boundaries up. You have to you know that they're there. It's just the same as we're we we all wrestle with triggers, temptations, desires that are not in our best interest to follow through with.

Just we can't get rid of them. But what what you do intentionally, you can control. I'm gonna focus on building my relationship with so and so. I'm gonna focus on this. I'm gonna focus on that.

And for those who are alone, now this might be a stretch. If you're feeling lonely, find something intentionally to put your mind on and reach out to somebody. Go in your mind, past friends, if you use Facebook, or or, you know, call or text. I mean, seriously, that's a stress. You can say things like so it's really interesting.

We have a we have a family relative, or a couple of them actually, on my wife's line. Wonderful young girls. In every holiday, whether it's Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or something, Halloween, they'll always send a text. Always. That's the only time we talk to them.

They'll say, hi. Just thinking of you. Have a happy or a happy Christmas. Happy Halloween. Hope you're doing well.

And then they send a picture or something. Just reach out to somebody. Do something intentionally and and try to focus on on a positive thing, a positive relationship or something that you are trying to do rather than just sitting there in your aloneness. Because being alone, there's something inherently in us that's not comfortable with that. We're not supposed to be alone.

I don't think we're supposed to be alone. Right? That's why nature is is encouraging us to reach out. So just just and and don't be frustrated with yourself if you're lonely. It's a normal normal feeling.

But don't let it consume you. Don't give it too much energy. Take that feeling of of being alone and intentionally strive to do something with it, to to connect with someone and have some compassion on yourself also. Okay? If you're struggling, which most everybody is with what I call triggers, temptations, desires for things that in your best interest would not it it wouldn't be in your best interest to follow-up on doing those things, whether it's drinking, drugging, immorality, inappropriate relationships, and you know what I mean.

But any anything online, whatever it is. If you're struggling with those things, just know you're normal. K? Every human being struggles with those things. Back to back to that study, you know, about 40 to 50% of the time, if people are really honest, these are people they're they're they're approaching them and having their their beepers go off when the study was done, you know, at random times throughout the day.

This is when they're at work. And if you even notice at work, I mean, there's been studies done on that. How much of work time is spent not focused on a particular task? You're daydreaming. You're just looking at the clock.

You're trying to figure out, oh, man, how am I gonna make it another 3 hours here at this job? And then you try to get back on a task perhaps that you that you hate to do. I know. I'm just kinda wandering in this in this podcast, but I'm also also thinking of, you know, a story that I heard yesterday. And and it relates in a way to what I'm talking about, of a person went for a job interview.

And it was the human resources director interviewing this person. And at the end of the interview, the person being interviewed, the guy who was looking for a job, and and they were talking about dealing with fears and stuff like that. And and the inner the interviewee asked the interviewer, say, what would you do? What would you do if you weren't afraid? What would you do if you weren't afraid?

And the human resources director got a tear in her eye, and she said, I would quit this job that I can't stand. That's what I'd do if I wasn't afraid. But I'm afraid I'm not gonna have enough money. I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to take care of my family. I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my insurance.

I'm not and and so that fear was keeping her coming to work at a job she didn't really like. So another thing to focus on, find your purpose. Finding a purpose that you really, really want to sink your teeth into. What do you want to do with your life? And and back to, another thought that I heard earlier this week, you know, by a prolific business person, it says purpose must be deliberately chosen and then acted upon.

And I think some of us have such low self esteem that we don't think we're we can find a purpose or that even if we had a purpose that we can trust that we could make it come about. But this is what I would say to you. Just start. Believe. Dream.

This is your life. Create new relationships. If you're feeling alone through this holiday season, do something about it. Do something about it. Don't just accept it.

Reach out. Reach out. Risk. Back to the, classic statement by Helen Keller. Right?

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. I'm also just a memory of I think the guy's name was Albert Ellis. He was a a psychotherapist. I can't remember exactly what his particular bent was on rational emotive therapy, I think it was. And, anyway, he talked about dealing with these negative voices in our in our heads.

And and so he was a single guy, and he said, I'm gonna see what's gonna happen. I'm gonna go to the park, and I am just going to ask, a number of women. I'm just gonna go to the park, sit on the bench, or sit next to women, and I'm gonna ask them on a date, and just see what happens. And, boy, think about how risky that would be. Right?

This is this is, he did this long before the protection of the Internet where you can throw things. I mean, he was actually going in and sitting down next to, a pretty lady on a bench and just saying, hi. My name's Albert. I'd like nice to meet you. I'd like to take you out for coffee or something like that.

And what he said, he did it, faced his fears, 95 to 98% of the women said no. Thought he was kind of strange. But and but a couple of them actually went out and had coffee with him. And then this is what he said. He said, I I discovered that nobody got angry at me.

Nobody yelled at me. I didn't die. I survived through that. I did one of the most difficult things that that I could ever imagine doing, and I was fine afterwards. And I actually got a couple of dates from it.

So remember and and this is a little more of the statement by Helen Keller where she says, security does not exist in nature nor did the bulk of the children of men ever experience. Avoiding avoiding difficult things is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. So this holiday season, wherever you find yourself, if you're lonely or if you find yourself in situations where you just need to go be with family members you'd prefer not to be with, you be intentional. You take charge of the situation.

You choose what you're gonna focus on in these situations and just see if it makes makes a difference rather than simply responding to the way other people are. Don't give don't give don't give other people power over you. Take your power back. Be strong. And, again, back to the overall mindset that I have subscribed, subscribed to in my life and believe that is helpful.

Can do attitude. I'll figure out a way to do things, develop a healthy sense of humor, learn to quit taking yourself so seriously. And when you've made mistakes, if you've delved into things that temptations, desires, triggers, and you participated in things that are you know, that are not in your best interest, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Pick up.

Move on. K? And then okay. So can do attitude, healthy sense of humor, 0 victim mentality, refuse to be a victim. I'm not a victim.

You're not a victim. The world doesn't owe any of us a living. I've seen so much suffering as as so many sit around waiting for something to come to us, like, without us going out and making things happen. Sometimes things just fall into your lap. Kinda rare.

Just be purposeful. Make things happen. And when bad things happen, k, this is the 4th thing. So number 1, can do attitude, stronger than you think you are. Number 2, healthy sense of humor.

Number 3, 0 victim mentality. Number 4, this is a big one. When bad things happen, when you disappoint yourself, when you do not live up to your standards, get over it. Take off your thin skin, get over it, be as just get up. It doesn't do any good to wallow around in that stuff.

It just doesn't do any good. Just get up. You can do it. Keep moving forward. Whatever it is, you can do it.

Alright. Happy holidays.